Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Monday night parenting class option

    I’m so much enjoying the parenting classes that I’m giving with a wonderful group of moms!  Someone today told me I should mention here that tomorrow night I’ll be offering a new Part 1 series of Joy in the Journey (my parenting workshop classes).  This is for those who couldn’t attend on Sundays and want to start at the beginning (which is the best place to start!). 

    The classes are set up as a small group workshop to allow for discussion and personalized feedback. My foundational approach is one based on connection and relationship building with children, synthesized with clear guidelines and structure.  The focus is on learning where to put your efforts as a parent so you can enjoy the process of parenting while developing a beautiful family culture.  This is something I’ve developed and implemented over years of parenting, and can say that it’s not just not nice sounding theory – it really works!

    Part 1 consists of 4 classes and will take place on Monday evenings from 8 – 9:30, beginning on Nov. 22 (tomorrow!!). For mothers of children all ages; $50; email me for the lcation. If you have friends that you feel would benefit, please feel free to share this information with them.  

    Avivah

  • Avivah’s Favorite Things

    Sometimes it feels like expectations others have of me rise faster than my ability to meet them, and I start to feel inwardly tense.  Years ago it would take a couple of weeks of it building up and getting pretty intense before I’d do something about it, but I’ve fortunately learned to recognize this feeling early on.  So tonight I was thinking about how to appropriately rebalance myself, when I read something online – a personalized version of the song from the classic movie A Sound of Music, ‘My Favorite Things’.  Do you know the song?

    The song has a catchy and upbeat tune, and I’ve always liked it.  I was inspired to write up my own version to reflect some of my favorite things, and I found myself smiling and the tension melting away within about five minutes as I scratched out my verses. I did this while listening with the kids to our evening readaloud (we got the book on cassette this time to give my voice a rest and we all listen together) so it’s not Roger and Hammerstein but that’s okay!

    Because it made me smile, I thought I’d share it with you. If you know the song that I’m referring to you can imagine the words below set to music.

    Avivah’s Favorite Things

    • Sweet morning hugs surrounded by littles
    • Snuggles and kisses and lots of giggles
    • Playing and talking and tying heart strings
    • These are a few of my favorite things.
    • Jumping in leaves and playing in snow
    • Warming up with cups of hot cocoa
    • Watching the olders take care of siblings
    • These are a few of my favorite things.
    • Going on trips and learning together
    • Cooking and planting and watching the weather
    • Thanking Hashem for my precious blessings
    • These are a few of my favorite things.
    • Sleeping in tents and hiking on trails
    • Building a patio and banging in nails
    • Around campfires and on Shabbos we sing
    • These are a few of my favorite things.
    • Long conversations with time to listen
    • A beautiful family that makes my eyes glisten
    • All of the love and the closeness it brings
    • These are a few of my favorite things.

    Refrain:

    • When messes pile high
    • And I feel stress rise
    • And I’m feeling sad
    • I simply remember my favorite things
    • And then I don’t feel so bad!

    If you feel inspired to create a stanza or two of your own, I would LOVE it if you shared it below!

    Avivah

  • Family dinner hour

    A couple of weeks ago my ds11 had a friend over for two nights when his parents were away.  During dinner the first night, he opted to read a book on the couch rather than eat with us (which was fine with me, I think he had eaten before coming).  When ds was finally excused to leave the table, I overheard his friend tell him, “That was the longest dinner I ever heard of!”

    I laughed when I heard that, and asked my kids why they supposed ‘dinner hour’ was called that!  It used to be traditional for families to gather every evening to eat together, to share the events of the day, and to reconnect – and an hour was a typical amount of time families spent together.  Last year a social worker I was chatting with told me that the family meal is a ritual that is becoming increasingly rare.

    Nowadays it seems that meals have become about quickly refueling than being together. But to me, the need to refuel is an excuse for the family to get together!  Because life is so hectic, it means we have to consciously carve out space for family members to be together in a relaxed and positive environment, and meals are the perfect opportunity!  After all, you have to eat, right? 🙂

    Studies have been done that show that kids from families that eat dinner together a few times a week go on to much higher levels of success in a number of areas of life, and to me that’s just science confirming common sense.  It’s not the eating together itself that builds kids, as much as what happens when you eat together.  It’s the values of parents who put mealtime at the top of the list that matter – because when parents make their families a priority and take time to connect, it shows.

    Meal times are a fantastic time for family members to touch base with one another, to talk about their experiences of the day.  It’s also such a valuable time to share ideas, experiences, and values.  Parents, you have a captive audience, so capitalize on it!  🙂  Seriously, share some interesting stories or ideas, ask the kids what they think about it.  Last night I shared the story I had just read of the world’s most famous neurosurgeon and his academic struggles along the way.  We can all learn so much from people who have pushed past their fears and comfort zones to create a new kind of life for themselves.  That’s a powerful message to share, and you’re providing interesting content while everyone is munching away!  While you don’t have to do that every night (and I certainly don’t), there’s plenty you can do to make mealtimes interesting and enjoyable for everyone.

    At our dinners, I usually ask a question like: “What was the best thing about your day?”  or  “What are you especially grateful for today?”  Everyone gets a turn, and everyone has to be quiet and listen to whoever is speaking, even the littles.  We even ask ds17 months what he liked about his day!  (Usually say something for him since he doesn’t talk yet and he looks at everyone and smiles.)   Ds3 and ds4 both need some help formulating their thoughts sometimes, but it’s okay, because it’s a process.  The idea isn’t that they have to perfectly put their thoughts in order as much as the practice in learning to look for the good and share about it with others.

    So yes, it can take a while to have dinner together; our average time is about 45 minutes to an hour.  For the time you invest, you get so much more back than what you put in!  I strongly recommend that even if it means rearranging your schedules or cutting out extracurricular activities for some family members, that you consider making family mealtimes a priority several times a week (if not more!). 

    Avivah

  • My little laundry helpers

    One night recently, my ds4 was so tired that he fell asleep in the clothes he had been wearing all day.  First thing the next morning, I started the first of the two or three loads of laundry that I usually do daily, but because he was wearing the clothes, they obviously weren’t in the dirty clothes pile. When I came upstairs from putting the only dark load in the washer, I saw him wearing clothes that needed to be washed, and I thought he’d appreciate the grown-up feeling of putting his own clothes in the washer.  So I enthusiastically suggested to him that he take the dirty clothes off, and he could throw them right into the washing machine himself!

    Well, he was excited to do this, and he and ds3 went downstairs together to put the clothes in.  After about five minutes they still hadn’t come back, so I sent someone to check on them.  (Experience has shown that when the two of them are left unsupervised, huge messes happen very fast.)  Dd10 came upstairs looking unhappy, bringing the two of them with her, and (knowing from her face something had happened) when I asked ds4 what they did, he told me he added soap to the washing machine so everything would get clean.  Dd10 then told me they put a LOT of dishsoap in the washer, so I went downstairs to check it out myself.

    Well, they had found several bottles of dish soap on the storage shelf-I don’t know if they were all full when they began, but 2-1o oz bottles were empty on the floor, and one 32 oz bottle was half empty.  When I looked in the washer at the end of the cycle, the clothes were slippery with dishwashing liquid. This wasn’t particularly good timing, since we had to go somewhere that afternoon and the clothes I wanted them to wear an hour later were in that load.

    As I turned on the machine to do another cycle to wash out the soap (I had to do this several times until all of the soap was all washed out – my basement for a couple of days smelled like a soap factory:)), I had visions of the Curious George book, when the mischevious little monkey put so much detergent in the washing machine that the house filled with soapsuds and the firemen had to come and use their hose to get it all out of the house (or something like that – it’s been quite a while since I read that particular book!).  Then dd14 and I were talking and we both simultaneously remembered a similar kind of scene in the original Freaky Friday movie.  It just goes to show that the best book and movie scenes mimic real life!

    In case you’re wondering how I reacted to the littles, I very emphatically told them that unless I ask them to put soap in the washer, they shouldn’t do it.  And if they want to put some in, they have to ask me first.  It’s nice to want to help, but children do need to have guidelines as to when and how to be of help!

    Avivah

  • Change in scheduled parenting workshop time

    Just a quick note to let those to whom it may be relevant know that I’ve decided to only give one face-to-face parenting workshop at this time.  Rather than having two different groups for  targeted specific age groups, there will be one group for all parents of children up to 11.  It will be held in Baltimore on Sundays from 10:45 am – 12:15.   I know how hard it is to get out at night, and hopefully this will make it easier for some people.  It will definitely be easier for me! 🙂

    I appreciate the interest in cds/downloads/phone options, but at this time I won’t have them available.  When I do offer them, I’d like them to be of professional quality, and I’m not yet set up for that.  I’ll record the sessions just in case, though!

    Avivah

  • Thoughts on trick-or-treating

    Yesterday I had some trick or treaters come knocking in the afternoon, the first to ever come in the four plus years I’ve been living in this house.  My block has very few kids so I guess that’s why I suppose we don’t attract many young children trick or treating.  When I lived in a neighborhood where children frequently knocked on Halloween, I tried to have something to give them, but it isn’t something I do anymore since it hasn’t been necessary!   So when my ds11 answered the door yesterday, he had to tell them we didn’t have anything.

    Now I have to tell you that I think trick or treating is an obnoxious activity.  It encourages selfishness, greediness, and attitude of entitlement – and I saw all of that in the response I overheard.  The older of the two children (age about 11 – 12) shouted at ds, “Oh, come on!”  As if they deserved something.  I really dislike when people think they deserve something for doing nothing.  You don’t deserve anything unless you do something to earn it; if someone out of their goodwill wants to give someone something, that’s coming from the goodness of their heart, and children need to be taught by their parents before they knock on the very first door that they need to be appreciative for what they get. 

    That’s why I don’t really fault the child for his response – it reflected the lack of guidance and parenting from the adults in his life.   Parents are doing their children a huge disservice to let them believe that it’s acceptable to grab what they can for the day and rush to grab from the next person, just because everyone else is doing it.  This attitude of entitlement harms children and leads to the same kind of thinking in adults. 

    Children today are so incredibly entitled,  and a big part of that is there are very few adult expectations of them to give or share with others.  Someone I hadn’t yet met stopped me last week at co-op when I was outside with the boys to tell me what wonderful children I have.  I had never met her so it obviously wasn’t about me!  Why was she so effusive about my children?  Because she had subbed for a class that my ds11 was in, and when he saw her carrying in some boxes, he stopped what he was doing to help her bring them in.  And, she emphasized, not one other adult or child even asked if she needed help.  She was very impressed by ds, but why should something like this be so unusual?  It shouldn’t.  But it is because parents are missing the opportunities to teach their children to think about others.

    Kids have so few opportunities to give and are basically taking all the time – we don’t teach kids to do for others by telling them it’s okay to focus on what they want and make demands of others.  I know Halloween is only once a year, but the attitude that permeates the day reflects much more than that.  Parents need to look for opportunities to build character, and Halloween could be an incredible day of fun for everyone if children were taught to focus on making those they encountered happy (eg by showing their costumes or being sure to smile sincerely and say a sincere thank you).

    Avivah

  • When kids help and aren’t such a help 🙂

    This morning I started taking dishes out of the drainer, and noticed that a number of them weren’t very clean. Usually I do the dishes, but last night ds8 wanted to surprise me and spent a long time in the kitchen washing a huge sinkful of dishes.

    This was particularly nice since I can really see him maturing into his own person – as the typical youngest child personality (he was the youngest for almost four years before his next three brothers were born), he had a strong tendency to avoid work and tell me he can’t do what he’s asked to do, that it’s too hard.  So the significance of him doing so much work that he wasn’t asked to do, doing it cheerfully, and doing it voluntarily shows he is growing out of that stage.

    What do you do when your child helps and it’s not up to your standards?  Firstly, remember that: a) the purpose of them helping isn’t to assist you, but to learn the skills they need to do, and b) to encourage them them so they have a positive feeling in the future about similar jobs.  Don’t get frustrated that you’ll have to do the work all over again.  It’s irrelevant.  What matters is the opportunity you’re giving your child to develop a new skill and sense of competence.

    But when the work does have to be done again (as it did today), don’t let them see you doing it.  There was a good bit of grease left on the dishes, so I waited until he was busy somewhere else for a while, and then did all the dishes again.  When he came back into the kitchen, I sincerely thanked him again and told him I hadn’t realized how many dishes he had washed – the drainer was packed!

    It helps to remember also that if they help and you have to do it again, you’re not any worse off than you were before – but if you encourage your child, in the long run you’ll both be lots better off!

    This is how kids learn – they need to be allowed to do something new and not have high expectations held over them that they can’t possibly live up to.  Children quickly learn that they’re better off not trying than doing what they can, if it will provoke criticism and complaints from you.  It’s pretty easy to remember this the first couple of times they do something new; the challenge is in remembering this when they’ve done it enough times that you think they should be proficient by then!  Children will naturally continually seek increased independence and competence when they feel good about their efforts, and our response has to come from a place of appreciation and support of our children.

    Avivah

  • Joy in the Journey parenting workshops

    I’m excited to share that I am offering my new parenting workshop series, Joy in the Journey!  I’m thrilled to offer this course since though there are many, many things I find interesting and enjoy sharing about, parenting is absolutely my passion!  Parenting from the right paradigm is transformative for every member of a family, something I’ve been fortunate to experience personally.  The challenge is to access that paradigm!

    The live (ie in person) workshop will offer a new perspective on parenting, an empowering approach that will help you connect with and enjoy your children.  This is an inside-out approach that differs dramatically from other parenting courses.

    Joy in the Journey: Part 1 will begin the second week of November.  The workshops will be offered as mini-series of four weeks each.  Each series will build on the one before it but they will be structured so that a parent can attend a later series even if she missed an earlier one.

    There are two groups currently being offered (for women only):

    Sundays, Nov. 7 – 10:45 am – 12:15 pm – if your oldest child is between the age of 7 – 11.

    Mondays, Nov. 8, 8 – 9:30 pm – if your oldest child is between 0 – 6.

    (A class for parents of teens will be available at a later as of yet undetermined date, but I don’t have enough time available to offer it concurrently, as much as I would love to. )

    The workshops will be interactive to allow for discussion and questions, and the price for the 4 week series will be $50.  For more information or to register, contact me at avivahwerner at yahoo dot com (replace at and dot with the appropriate symbols).

    This is going to be fun and inspiring, and I can’t wait to get started!

    Avivah

  • Haircuts and the importance of listening

    Yesterday was haircut day here!  Until about a year ago I always did haircuts for all of the kids, but then the boys started getting haircuts done by their older siblings – with the haircutting machines it’s not very complicated.  Then I was only left every couple of months with haircuts for the girls, and when dd15 decided she was ready for a style change, she switched to a professional stylist (I wasn’t insulted!) and I was down to demonstrating my haircutting abilities for just two of the girls.

    Anyway, yesterday I did haircuts for all four boys who are home and have enough hair to cut 🙂  (ds11, ds8, ds4, ds3), and they all look so neat now!  It was the first time in quite a while that I’ve had the chance, and I enjoyed the one on one time with each child – I often marvel at how much we can emotionally nourish a child by really giving them our full, undivided attention for even five minutes.

    As I was doing the haircuts and then showers, I thought about how critical it is that parents try to understand why a child is acting as he does so that they can respond with understanding instead of frustration to issues that will come up a number of times a day that push parental buttons.  By making the effort to see where a child is coming from, it will help a parent stay on an even keel.

    Example: when ds3 kept squirming as I tried to cut the hair by his neck, of course I would have liked to have finished the haircut right then and there!  That would have seemingly been the efficient thing to do.  However, efficiency and effectiveness aren’t the same thing, and with personal interactions, effectiveness is the important value.   I realized ds3 was feeling ticklish and the sensation of the electric haircutting machine near his neck felt strange to him.  Paying attention to him meant not insisting on finishing right then (I’ll use scissors in a couple of days to even up the back).  And when he was ready to get out of the shower less than sixty seconds after he got in, and his hair hadn’t yet been washed, I understood that taking a shower may not be a big deal for us but to a little person used to taking baths, it can be an intimidating experience.  (Ds3 told me earnestly when he got out “That was a scary shower!”)

    When my kids were much younger, I wouldn’t have been able to easily step away from my own idea of how things should have progressed, and would have insisted on finishing the haircut or shower regardless.  I would have seen it as a situation in which I needed to show my child he had to listen to me, so that I wouldn’t turn into a doormat.  And as normal as that is, I would have been totally wrong – it would have been manipulative and disrespectful.

    It is so, so easy to get involved in taking care of all that needs to be done, and forget to respect the child involved.  I’ve seen this even with sentiments that seem to be noble – parents want to give their child a particular kind of experience that they perceive to be valuable, and get so caught up in it that they continue to insist on it even when the child is miserable.  Sometimes there’s a fear of not being able to accomplish what we need to do, that we don’t have time to slow down and pay attention to what is going on with each child; we have things that have got to get done!

    But it’s a false efficiency – so many times power struggles, tantrums, and negative interactions can be avoided completely by taking the time to connect with your child when interacting with him, and to pay attention to the feedback that he is giving you.  This isn’t the same as a parent negating his own needs and letting a child dictate what the outcome of a situation should be regardless of parental preference.  True parenting power is when a parent interacts with a child from a position of true strength, not by imposing his will, but being willing to be flexible and find ways to resolve the situation so that all parties are satisfied and left feeling loved and respected.

    Avivah

  • More on teens and planning for the future

    With so many interesting comments from my recent post on teens and financial planning, I needed another post to respond to them!

    >>A degree is no guarantee that you are going to make a good living. Do you know how many teaching jobs in the frum world I was turned down for because 1. I had a degree 2. they felt bad paying a married woman with a degree so little!<<

    I don’t believe that there are any guarantees in life, but I do think that we can make good choices that would set us up in the best possible way.  I don’t believe a degree by itself is of much value.   Some degrees are much more valuable than others.  Whatever path one pursues, it’s critical that it be part of a conscious plan.  I wouldn’t support just any career that a child wants to pursue.  For example, teaching is a low pay profession, so I’d have to do some research to appropriately redirect a child with strengths in that area to a field where he/she could use those strengths and be appropriately renumerated.  There are some fields that are flooded by capable and well-trained individuals, and there are fields that could easily be outsourced to cheaper labor in India or China – these are additional concerns to the financial reward issue that we keep in mind when we discuss careers.

    >>The reason why we landed in debt is not because of lack of education but the literal forcing down his throat about budgeting and therefore he just wanted to break free and not be so frugal.<<

    It’s not uncommon for people to go from one extreme to another.  As a frugal parent, I’ve felt it important that frugality not be seen as an exercise in deprivation but rather as a way to achieve one’s goals while living within the constraints of your current reality.  A good education or vocational training can’t overcome a lack of discipline with regards to spending.

    >>Most of the young men getting married are marrying girls who will work . They do get some parental help too. I happen to not go for full parental support but to help the young couple.<<

    I know this is true but this isn’t the kind of ‘planning’ that I support, and therefore in my opinion, marrying someone capable of bringing in a good income doesn’t obviate the need to develop one’s own skills and abilities.  (By the way, this is true for girls or boys – I don’t support girls not developing their abilities because they hope to get married young and not need to work.)  Nor do I support those who plan to marry women who have parents who are willing to generously support the young couple.  There is a tremendous character development and maturation opportunity that is totally missed when young men voluntarily choose not to take responsibility for a primary part of their lives.

    As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve made it very clear to my children that if they’re old enough to get married, they’re old enough to support themselves. Someone recently asked me if this was because I don’t have the resources to offer my married children significant financial help.  My answer was no, it’s not contingent on how much money I do or don’t have, and that I’ve told the kids that even when we’re blessed with much more money than we have today, this is our position.  I don’t want to handicap my children by bypassing the need for them to take responsibility for their own lives, and needing to handle finances is a major maturing factor.

    >>My father has a BA and made a “good living” but we never had anything!My mother had to keep a super tight budget and work full time since we were little.<<

    It’s not how much you make, but how much you keep that matters!  This is where financial management skills are important.

    >>College/vocational training doesn’t have to be right out of highschool. There is no harm in going to college later should they need it.<<

    Theoretically I don’t disagree.  But once children enter the picture, it gets more complicated.  My goal is to help my children develop a conscious plan for the future.  I know they want to get married fairly young and start families fairly soon after that.  If they are all committed to actively parenting their children and then decide they’d like to go to college while raising their children, where does it leave them?  Conflicted and overextended.  There will be bumps in the road for every person, but I’d like to help them avoid those that can easily be avoided with a little forethought.

    >>I think it’s very brave of you to be sending your teens to a college campus but I don’t think that at their age I could have withstood all the pressures of it, especially while doing it alone, at such a young age.<<

    To clarify, my kids will attend commuter colleges, not living in dorms. There is a very big difference in the campus atmosphere when there are no dorms or campus ‘life’ and everyone is just going for their classes and then heading back home.  As of now I’m planning for dd14 to start college classes next year with dd15 (they’ll both obviously be a year older then), and have them in the same classes (because of her age, dd14 will only be able to take a maximum of 2 per semester).

    I’ve striven to raise my children to know who they are and be able to hold their own in different situations, and that includes the secular college environment.  But I wouldn’t put them in situations I don’t have confidence that they could handle.  The current experience of both dd15 and ds17 are bearing out our confidence in them as they handle challenging social situations while far away from home, skills that will continue to come in handy as they encounter more and more of the adult world.

    >>You could get a profession by taking a good vocational course. College isn’t everything. Also needs to have a good head on his shoulders. You can have the best college degree and then blow your money or not be able to hold down a job.<<

    I used to think that vocational schools offered good alternatives to college, until a year or two ago when I checked out several vocational programs.  After all, why should someone spend all those years getting a college degree when in a year or two he can do a vocational program and come out being able to make a lot more money than most college graduates.  Right?

    Not quite.  Let’s say someone wants to be an electrician or plumber – if he wants to be paid well, he needs to be at the master level to run his own business, which entails about seven years of school and apprenticeship.  And then the salary still isn’t fantastic – it’s highly dependent on him being able to start his own business.  Many people have the work skills but running your own business is another skill set altogether.  The programs tend to be very expensive, and I don’t remember if any of them offered federal financial aid that is generally available to qualified students at a college.  And the peer group is ….. not of the highest quality.  So we figured, once you have to spend all that time and money on your education, you might as well go to college.  Also, we didn’t feel that any of these professions matched the self-image ds17 had of himself and his future.  So even though he’s very good with his hands, can figure things out just by looking at them, and enjoys that kind of work, we (together with him) decided against vocational training for him.  But it can definitely be a great option when it matches someone’s interests and strengths.

    I realize there are other vocational courses that are shorter term and don’t require this investment of time, but they don’t generally facilitate the earning capacity that I believe to be realistic in supporting a large family.

    >>I think that if a man has a good work ethic and knows how to manage his money then everything could be fine.<<

    These are very important, but without having marketable skills, it will be very challenging to find employment or to start one’s own business.

    There were a lot more comments that were specific to the Orthodox world that I’ve often discussed in detail in person but feel that my blog isn’t the right place to do that, since many of my readers won’t understand what is being discussed.  (For example, why the girls schools are doing a much better job than the boys schools, where that’s coming from, and why I feel it’s problematic.)  Hopefully I responded in the past post to comments so you won’t feel that I ignored you, but if I didn’t, it was due to this constraint.

    Avivah