Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Question about ADHD

    >>It has been discussed with us that our ds9 has symptoms of ADHD.  For example he’ll climb under his desk to listen to the teacher while peeking out of a hole or the like.. also obnoxious behavior to other children I.e. spitting or throwing things.  He does these things at home too, it’s hard for him to walk past a sibling w/o a bump or push of some kind to them.  He’s doing well academically but socially not so good.  My own mother told me that she suspected this in my son since he was much younger but I guess I didn’t want to consider it at that time.  What I’m trying to (ask) is what you would recommend for a child w/ ADHD.  I may have him assessed formally to get a diagnosis but I really do NOT want to medicate.  The school said they know of families who took the “natural” route to help children but it just took a lot more time.  Ritalin apparently gives the child more focus throughout the day.  Any advise you have would be so very appreciated.  I’m so sad for my son and hope we/he can get through this.  Thanks so much.<<

    There are several aspects of ADHD to consider: nutrition, vaccination history, behavioral expectations, and parenting are those which to spring immediately to my mind.  This is a very emotional topic for many people, and I strongly suggest that parents do their own research.  I do not make recommendations one way or another beyond that!

    I believe Ritalin is drastically over-prescribed, and what historically fell into the range of normal behavior on the very energetic side has now been labeled as dysfunctional.  We expect kids from a very young age to sit still for what is unreasonable for their ages and abilities.  Some kids can manage but young boys in particular have a very hard time with these expectations.  Not surprising that young boys are the most heavily medicated for ADHD!

    One book that I would suggest parents interested in doing some research begin with is: ‘Healing the New Childhood Epidemics : autism, ADHD, asthma, and allergies : the groundbreaking program for the 4-A disorders’.   The doctor who wrote it discusses from his professional perspective the relevance of vaccine history and nutrition, which is interesting and relevant to everyone, but particularly to children who have attention deficit disorders.

    The quality of food eaten and the effectiveness of the digestive system is tremendously important for ADHD kids.  Much has been written about this, and it goes way beyond not giving children sugar, chemical additives, or food coloring.  To get you started, here is a link to the first in a series of interviews with Donna Gates (Body Ecology Diet) and Dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride (Gut and Psychology Syndrome).  Though the title of the series is Autism Diet, the brain imbalance for autism and ADHD is very similar though it outwardly manifests differently, and healing the underlying problem is therefore addressed in the same way.  Both address issues that I think parents of the ADHD child will find of interest; it is a six part series and you can continue on your own to research if this aspect interests you.

    Of course the way a parent deals with a child who is very high energy is also very important. Parents need to learn what reasonable expectations for their children are, and how to appropriately navigate challenging situations that arise.  I’ve written about this in various posts, but I strongly feel that someone in the above situation needs personal consultation with someone skilled in mentoring parents so they get the detailed help they need.  Reading suggestions that aren’t targeted to their specific concerns will be somewhat helpful but to really turn things around, you need to take clear and concrete action in the right direction, and be sure that you’re really headed in the right direction!  I have a very strong sense in this particular situation that this is a very critical factor.

    The alternative approach does take longer, but time takes time – the natural process can’t be rushed; it proceeds at an organic pace.  If you do wish to avoid Ritalin, then you’ll need to be willing to experience the discomfort of not immediately being able to resolve the situation, though the commeasurate satisfaction will come from addressing the root issues at the core rather than eliminating the symptoms.

    Good luck!

    Avivah

  • Future planning for finances for young adults

    We’ve been enjoying having ds17 home for the last two weeks, and during that time he’s shared some perspective on things that he has noted are different between our family mindset and what he sees in the many young men he has been meeting.  One comment he made was that our family is goal oriented, and it doesn’t seem to be very common;  he said that very few young men he’s spoken to are making concrete plans for the future.

    In our home, the topic of thinking about and planning for the future is a frequently visited topic.  We have strong family values, so it’s not surprising that marriage and raising a family feature prominently in what our children are expecting/hoping for.  One preparatory aspect of marriage that seems to be routinely glossed over is the reality of finances, and the importance of being prepared to support oneself.  Not being prepared for this aspect of marriage has placed huge pressures on many young couples, pressures that could have been minimized or avoided by planning ahead for the predictable.  (Not only that, it’s put enormous pressures on parents to continue to support their adult children.)

    I feel very, very strongly that it’s the responsibility of a parent to give their children concrete guidance in this area.  As adults, we understand the reality of financial obligations, we know what has been positive or challenging about the choices we’ve made, and we owe it to our children to actively guide them.  And guiding them doesn’t mean cutting out an article about the importance of planning for the future and handing it to your twenty year old to read.  🙄

    Recently I shared with someone an example of a goal my ds17 has set for himself, and she commented about how impressed she was that he had that clarity at his age to make a plan in that way, particularly since the general mindset of his peers is that they will somehow magically not have to worry about finances when they are married.   I told her it didn’t happen by itself – I’ve gone over and over this topic from various angles for the last several years.

    I discuss with my teenage children what their values are regarding marriage, working and child raising are; this affects many, many things.  For example, what age do they think is ideal to get married at?  Why do they believe that?  Based on their answers (they are all inclined towards marriage at a fairly young age), we go on to discuss potential challenges. I ask my son to think about how he’ll be prepared to support himself and his family by the time he is married.  What will he do?  What kind of training/education will be necessary?  Will he have work experience by then?  I’ve kind of drilled it into him by now that he has no business getting married until he can support a wife – not a popular position in some circles, perhaps, but I truly believe he and his future wife will be much better off than letting him take the short term path of what is easier and feels good.

    For my daughters, I encourage them to think about careers that will transfer well to private practice that can be home based if at some point they desire that.  At this point, dd15 would like to be a chiropractor, dd14 a psychologist – of course this may change, and it’s fine if it does.  This means learning about different careers, the academic requirements and prerequisites, and thinking about how that will work with their personalities and interests, as well as their anticipated goals of marriage and family.  Practically speaking, it means that dd14 and I are currently planning a time frame towards her goal – she would like to have her four year degree completed by the time she is 18.  I also recently started talking to ds11 about a specific suggestion that I think would be a good option for him, but a big part of this is to warm him up mentally to the idea that we expect him to prepare for a professional career.  Since I plan to graduate both dd14 and ds11 at age 16, it’s not as early as it seems to be thinking about this – dd has only two more years for full-time homeschooling so it already affects what dd14 is focusing on this year.

    When I see positive or negative examples of financial management, I bring them up for discussion.  (I never mention specific names when it comes to negative role models; I only mention scenarios.)   When ds17 told me several young men have gotten engaged during the time he’s been at yeshiva, I asked how old they were, and if any of them had completed college or had another career planned.  No, none of them.  Hmm, I mused out loud, I wonder how they’re planning to support themselves once they’re married? I guess they have parents who will take care of them, or a lot of faith in credit cards.   This kind of conversation is common in our home – I don’t belabor the point but I regularly point out observations and discuss the consequences of making certain choices.  When I find an article that addresses issues I think will be of interest, whether it’s from a position I agree with or not, I’ll read it out loud at dinner and ask them for their thoughts.  (I recently mentioned that I usually stay up late Friday nights talking to my teens – these are topics that we often touch on.)

    Some of the messages I’ve shared are:

    • anyone old enough to get married is old enough to support themselves;
    • there is an easier and more difficult way to do things, and doing things in the right order makes life much, much easier for many years to come – eg, prepare for a career before you have family responsibilities;
    • debt quickly becomes a millstone around your neck; don’t spend money you don’t have and don’t rely on credit cards to buy what you can’t afford;
    • be willing to think for yourself and do what is right for you no matter what everyone else is doing;
    • marriage is something you must be emotionally ready for – it’s not a game, it’s not playing house, and being a certain age doesn’t magically give you the maturity for a healthy and balanced relationship.

    It really helps to have a strong sense of commitment to helping my children be prepared as best as I can for the future, since issues come up and it makes a huge difference in working through them to have a compass point to guide me.  For example, ds17 would really like to attend a particular type of yeshiva – but the places he most wants to attend aren’t college accredited.  I told him that when he’s 21 and has his BA or BS, he can go to whatever yeshiva he wants to pursue the environment that he wants.  Don’t think I’m heartless and don’t understand and value his desire for a certain kind of yeshiva.  I very, very much understand it and I wish he could find it within the criteria that we’ve set up.  But I keep in mind the long term view – what will be more harmful to him later on in life, not being able to support his family (because the yeshivas he wants to go to are against college and working) or having learned for years in a yeshiva that wasn’t as intense as he wanted?  If you’re going to be left wanting more, than wanting more spirituality isn’t a bad place to be.   And if I’m paying the bill, how I could I in good conscience pay for him to be in an environment that I didn’t believe supports his best interests?

    This is really just the tip of the iceberg – it’s a huge discussion since there are so many components to it.  I think it’s arrogant and presumptuous to believe that a person can plan for every eventuality, but I do think that parents have more power to actively guide their children than they generally assume.

    Avivah

  • Ds17 is home!

    Oh, the excitement!  You’d think ds17 has been away for months rather than just four weeks, and that we hadn’t seen him 2.5 weeks ago when we went to the airport together to see dd15 off to Israel.  But when he called this morning to say he was on his way back, I felt so excited, and I heard the same thing in his voice.

    Everyone was thrilled when he got home.  I didn’t expect ds16mo to really remember him, but he reached out to be held by ds17 right away, and then when he was passed to someone else while ds got his suitcase out of the car, kept trying to touch him.  We had a late lunch soon after he got home and then the kids all went out to put the sukkah up together.  I just sat on the patio in the middle of all of the action, enjoying the feeling of having so many of the kids working together and enjoying each other.  It was really, really, nice.

    I’m not quite sure how long he’ll be home, but at least for two weeks.  We’ve changed our routine so it isn’t glaring on a daily basis that dd17 and dd15 aren’t here (which it would be if our routine had stayed the same), but now that he’s back, the empty space that we weren’t really noticing consciously feels full again.  Ahh.  🙂 🙂 🙂

    Avivah

  • A lovely Yom Kippur

    I had such a nice Yom Kippur!

    This morning I read the Book of Jonah with ds8 and the littles – I’ve read it to them three times before this and they really enjoy it.  It’s great since it’s part of the afternoon service but is easy to read/tell as a story.  I have an illustrated children’s version, which has all the text of an adult version but the pictures definitely help them stay interested (though the first couple of times I read it, it was a version that had only one picture, and they requested that I read it a second time immediately after reading it the first time!).  Then we read some of Pirkei Avos (Ethics of our Fathers – also illustrated version), which ds4 chose when I told him he could bring a book for me to read with him. I spent some time reading through the machzor (Yom Kippur prayerbook) in English – very inspiring and beautiful.

    (On a side note, we attended our first co-op classes on Thursday and dd9 and ds11 made maps from biblical times that included Nineveh.  Very interesting to see it on paper and then read about it in the story of Jonah a couple of days later – I love watching things tie together like this in such a seamless and integrated manner!)

    For lunch, ds11 and dd9 led the meal for ds8 and the littles.  Ds11 made kiddush and hamotzi for them all, then the two of them served all the food.  (We prepared regular Shabbos food for them, since for children under bar/bas mitzva, it’s a holiday to be observed with traditional meals even though adults are fasting.)  Ds3 was initially perturbed because I wasn’t sitting with them, and upset that ds11 was filling the roles usually filled by adults, but I sat with them for a bit and explained to him that I wasn’t eating today.  They sang together (I added my voice a bit, too :)), and at the end they put all the food away and cleared the table.

    Dd14 enjoys being in synagogue WAY more than I did at her age – or even when I was older than her….I was one of those who did it because I was supposed to but not infrequently was counting how many pages were left and estimating how much longer services would take.  I’m sure none of you ever felt like that.  🙂  So she went for the Friday night services, then back first thing in the morning until 3:30 pm.  Then she came home, took a short nap and offered to stay home to watch the littles so I could go to mincha (afternoon service).  My dh was the chazzan (cantor) for that service and she’s heard him a number of times, and thought I’d enjoy it.  So I happily agreed, and dh came home for the fairly short break so we could walk back to synagogue together.

    I haven’t been in shul for Rosh Hashana or Yom Kippur for four years, and that year was the first and only time since my first child was born, so it’s not exactly something I get to do regularly!  I told a friend on my way in that I hoped I was mentally up for it, since you have to have the right mindset to appreciate it, but I need not have worried.  It was SO nice being in shul, particularly since there weren’t many people there at that time – I find it easier to focus on my prayers with fewer people around.  It was especially nice hearing my husband’s voice leading the services, and I felt very connected with him as I listened to him.

    My mother’s seat was next to mine, and it was interesting to be together in shul after all these years.  My mother didn’t grow up Orthodox and when I was younger didn’t have a very high comfort level in synagogue – she often was unsure about what page to be on, or when to stand or sit. So I’d clue her in and point to my siddur (prayerbook) if I sensed it might be of help.  But as helpful as that sounds, I had some judgment and negativity toward her for not knowing all that I did (even though it was thanks to her that I had the educational background that she never got, and knew things she never learned). I felt like everyone else’s mother knew what to do and it bothered me that my mother didn’t.

    Today out of habit I put my finger on my place in the siddur (prayerbook) in case she looked over, when suddenly I realized – I don’t need to do that anymore! I’m no longer a kid who thinks her mother’s imperfections are some kind of reflection on me.  I had a nice sense of inner peace to stand/sit next to her and not care if she stood or sat at the right time, and was truly able to accept and appreciate her for who she is.  And then I suddenly realized, she doesn’t need my help anymore!  I was concerned when I stood during parts that most people sit that she’d unnecessarily follow my cue and stand when she didn’t need to, but I needn’t have been even slightly concerned – she’s comfortable in synagogue now and knows what to do and when to do it.

    Dd14 wanted to return for the evening services, so I went out to say goodbye to dh before I left.  He came into the lobby and I told him how much I enjoyed it and wished I could stay for the rest of the time.  He encouraged me to do that, but I felt I had given my word that I’d be back and didn’t want to be unreliable.  But I did give in to his urging to stay to hear the rabbi’s talk, and it was amazing how he spoke about exactly what I’ve been thinking about lately!

    To sum up, he said that G-d is incredible in His mercy, compassion, and love for us, and it’s unquestionable that He’s forgiven us for our wrongs.  The real question is, can we forgive ourselves for our imperfections and mistakes?  And he quoted a couple of phrases about freedom, and said that true freedom comes from forgiving ourselves.  Really beautiful.

    Unfortunately, someone said something to me during the speech that I was bothered by.  As hard as I tried to refocus my thoughts on what the rabbi was saying, I wasn’t able to absorb much since I was distracted by a gnawing sense of irritation.  Isn’t it at times when you feel the best that your biggest challenges come?  So I was sent a very immediate test to my elevated frame of mind, and it was honestly challenging for me to appreciate it as the growth opportunity it was.  Fortunately I had the entire walk home to reframe it and give the person the benefit of the doubt.

    When I got home dd9, ds11, and dd14 went back to synagogue, while I played a couple of games with ds8.  I’ve been focusing on consciously spending more time with him, and he really, really loves it.  Ds4 and ds3 sat next to us and played with felt sets, which kept them happily occupied for awhile.  It was a quiet and peaceful evening playing with all of them, and then dh and the kids came home and we broke our fast together.

    I hope you had a positive day, as well!

    Avivah

  • A scary mishap and a powerful reminder

    This afternoon the littles were getting a little antsy – they were so busy entertaining each other in their beds that they couldn’t fall asleep for their nap, and they had lots of outside kind of energy to burn.  Ds3 ran outside, followed right away by ds4; ds3 jumped on his little bike with training wheels and ds4 was busy with a pogo stick.  I had just told dd9 that I would make her a French braid when ds ran outside, so I told her to come with me so I could braid her hair while I watched them from the walkway outside.

    Ds4 was having fun with the push car and pogo stick, which I was keeping an eye on since it looked like it might not be too safe.  Ds3 started whimpering a little on his bike, but I glanced at him to check that he was okay, and he was just sitting on his bike, looking fine.  Then ds4 went over to him with the pogo stick and right after that the tone of ds3’s crying changed, the kind of change that makes you look up fast.  He was repeatedly moving his hands by his neck and I thought ds4 might have accidentally jammed the pogo stick into him, but it was the way he looked that alarmed me.  His face was turning purple and he was crying hard but not much sound was coming out.

    His tzitzis (four corner fringed garment worn under shirt by Orthodox Jewish males) had gotten caught in the chain of the bike, and the strings were wrapped so tightly that he couldn’t move forward or backward, and the garment was tugging against his throat – it literally was choking him.  I quickly pulled it a finger’s distance from his neck so he could breathe while I worked the entire thing off him, then held him for a while until he calmed down.

    My ds11 came home just after this happened, when ds3 was still crying.  When he was told what happened, he soberly said, “It’s a good thing you always make sure someone is outside with them.”  He’s right.  I have six boys and this is my fifth to wear tzitzis every day from the time they are three years old, and never in fourteen years have we had anything like this happen.  Oh, sure, the strings might get caught and tear a little on occasion, but nothing that would have led me to think of this as a concern to preempt.

    The reason I’m sharing this is threefold: a) to be aware that something like this can happen and to be sure your little boys are well-tucked in when playing, particularly with something like a bike (or take them off when they ride).  b) The  second reason is because it’s a powerful reminder to me: things can and do happen quickly with little kids, things that you can’t always predict or preempt.  Being close by can make all the difference in averting tragedy.

    And finally, to remember that we have a Partner in keeping our children safe – it’s not all dependent on us staying constantly on alert.  Even though I was so close by, if he had been riding in the opposite direction away from me or further down the block, I couldn’t have responded so fast, and it’s scary to think about how easily that could have happened right with me there watching and not realizing he needed help.  It would be arrogant to think that we can protect our children from every possible situation.  A parent can be incredibly responsible and something can happen in the two minutes she’s in the bathroom.  But having said that, it helps to set the odds in our favor by guarding our children to the best of our ability like the precious treasures they are.

    Yom Kippur is just a hours away, a time when the decrees for every one of us for the coming year are sealed.  May you all be signed and sealed for a year filled with blessing and abundance in every area, a year of joy and growth, and a year filled with increasing appreciation of the protection and care that we merit every day.

    Avivah

  • Finding inspiration for the holidays

    >>i know it is a crazy busy time, but i was wondering if you could address how to make the holidays more inspiring. i used to listen to Torah lectures on tape while i was cooking/baking/cleaning, but the kids found them really boring. My husband has tried giving the girls assignments and they have come up with some really powerful Torah insights, but i could tell they were feeling like it was drudgery rather than inspiration. i am so busy with the physical needs of every holiday (shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, menus, etc etc) that i feel like the holidays have become about the trappings rather than the meanings. so, knowing your family, and knowing that your kids are genuinely inspired by what they do (at least the ones we know)- how do you set the stage for that??? any insights would be hugely appreciated! thanks so much!!!<<

    Tonight, two different people asked me about how my Rosh Hashana was. The first asked if I had any special moments of inspiration, and the second asked how my davening (praying) was.  My answers were: a) I didn’t have any special moments of inspiration, and b) I didn’t do much praying.

    On this Rosh Hashana, I can’t say I was reaching great spiritual heights in the way that it’s generally defined.  I was doing what I feel is what I’m meant to do at this stage in my life: to be there for my children, to keep my home running, and to keep the purpose of the day in mind as much as possible.  Although I do have a teenage daughter still at home, I feel this is her time in life to be in synagogue, so I don’t ask her to babysit so I can go to services.  I took the littles for the shofar blowing on both days and was happy to have been able to have done that.

    For years I’ve tried to get inspired about this time of year and then felt guilty that I wasn’t on a spiritual high, that my faults were so huge and my desire to improve couldn’t possibly overcome that.  Accepting that I was doing the best that I could seemed like a cop-out.  But now I look at inner growth differently.  Guilt over my inadequacies doesn’t work to inspire me – it just leaves me feeling like there’s no point in trying to be better because I’ll never be good enough.

    Growth for me is learning to let go of those well-intended expectations, and accept and love who I am, as I am right now.  I personally find it helpful to think about G-d as a parent who loves and cares about me, who wants to give me good things and knows I’m doing the best I can do – not to intimidate myself with thoughts of all the bad that might happen if I don’t get myself inspired.

    I’ve had a challenging few weeks leading up to Rosh Hashana, time that was physically and emotionally taxing.  It was a time that I felt consciously aware that I was being stretched to be more, while making a conscious effort to stay cheerful in the face of pressures that in the past I would have been emotionally reactive to.  I felt it was a gift from G-d – both the challenge of this time as well as the help in growing from the challenges.  This stage has been personally inspiring for me, and whether it happened in synagogue on Rosh Hashana itself or not, or tidily lends itself to answering questions about my holiday experience, doesn’t really matter.

    As far as how my children find inspiration, I honestly wonder about it myself!  Here’s something interesting dd14 did with the younger kids for Rosh Hashana – when making shaping the challah dough, they talked about the symbolism of round challahs.  Then they decorated each of the eight round challahs with a different design to correspond to their idea.  It was very interesting at the beginning of each meal to look at the challah and try to guess what the significance of the designs were – for example, one had a sun, a moon, and stars – after we tried to figure out the connection, they explained what their intent had been.

    Practically speaking, I think it’s the sometimes the little things that happen in the environment that lead to a heightened sense of the specialness of the time of year.  I bought several new cds that I’ve been playing as much as possible – they are from Rutman Music.  One is tunes of the High Holidays, the other is a double cd set of the prayer service for the High Holidays.   The prices were great and there are wonderful full-length demos of the tunes that you can listen to on your computer.  Since I enjoy music, this was helpful to me in getting into the spirit and also is wonderful to have on in the background to enhance the atmosphere in the house .

    Another getting into the spirit item was a gift we received from a friend- a set of homemade soap with a special Rosh Hashana theme of apples and honey.  Little things can really make a difference, particularly when they are visual and tactile – these were beautiful to look at and smell, and useful to boot!

    Before each holiday, I make an effort to get reading material for the littles that is connected to it.  Often this is fiction related to the time of the year, not necessarily ‘learning’ kind of books.  That helps them get into the spirit of things.

    And lastly, I find that I can enjoy the physical preparations as part of the holiday (rather than as an impediment to spirituality) when I leave enough time to do what needs to be done without rushing. I don’t feel apologetic for having the kids involved with cooking or cleaning – the physical preparations are an inherent part of this busy holiday season, and while I don’t consider it a substitute for any other kinds of preparation, I consider the holidays our primary homeschooling focus for this month!

    Avivah

  • Feelings about kids leaving home

    So now that ds17 is at yeshiva and ds15 is in Israel, how am I feeling?

    It’s a time of a lot of transition for everyone.  I think we’re going to be seeing a lot of shifts happening this year in our family; even things like sleeping arrangements (for four kids!) have changed in the last three days!  Much more significant will be the different social shifts within the family, the way the middles view themselves as they move into the roles of the oldest, and how we all use our time together and as individuals.

    I really, really enjoy my older kids, not only as my children, but as friends.  They are very enjoyable to spend time with and talk to.  I particularly love our Friday nights together – we all  enjoy singing together and that’s something that is very special to me during both Shabbos meals when we don’t have guests (guests never get to experience the best stuff!).  Dd15 and I both sing on the exact same key – this is sometimes something we end up laughing about, when we both abruptly stop at the same time if a key is too high or low for us.  Ds17 has a very pleasant voice and carries a tune well, and has some tunes that he taught us that have become part of our usual repetoire.  Even when everyone else is tired and ready to end the meal, the three of us could go on singing for quite a while!

    After our Friday night meal, dh and dd14 go to sleep right afterward, the middles fall asleep on the couch or read (the littles usually fall asleep in the middle of the meal), and ds17, dd15 and I very often end up shmoozing about all kinds of things – life issues, thoughts and feelings – it’s a time that I treasure and I think they appreciate it as well.  There’s something about the late hour, the feeling of closeness following the Shabbos meal, the privacy since everyone isn’t there, and that none of us have anywhere else we need to be that engenders the perfect environment for meaningful discussions and honest sharing.   That’s something that I’ll really miss.

    And of course, physically I won’t have their help.  So I’m already shifting to how I ran the house a few years ago, when all of the kids were younger and I needed to be more actively involved in a hands-on way with everything.  That’s going to be a change, too.  When we sit down for dinner, it seems like we’re missing people, when we go out I keep having to check that everyone is there since it feels like I’m missing someone, and without the oldest two kids at home, it feels like suddenly the house is filled with little kids.

    The reality of any transition, no matter how wonderful, is that there’s always something you lose with whatever you gain.   As such, I do have some sadness as the stage of having all of my children at home has come to an end after all of these years.   However, the overwhelming emotion I’m feeling is extreme gratitude to have raised such amazing children, and appreciation for the new opportunities that are opening up for me with my other kids who are still home.

    They are both so, so happy where they are right now.  Ds17 loves everything about his yeshiva – he’s really, really ready for all aspects of it – social, intellectual, academic.  It’s going to be an incredible time for him.  And dd15 – oh, my goodness!  Her reason for choosing this particular program was she wanted to travel to Israel, to learn the language, to meet new people and have new experiences – and she’s already experiencing all of that!  In addition to the girls in her program who come from all over the US and even the world – she has a roommate from Canada and one from Germany, and I believe there is also a girl from Spain and one from Australia – she is also meeting the Israeli girls in the regular program there.  Where else would she get to meet so many people from all these different backgrounds and interact with them on a regular basis?  I can’t even express how she’s overflowing with excitement and happiness and so much loving all the new people and experiences.  I spent a lot of time weighing this option and went ahead despite some hesitations based on my confidence in dd, and it was really, really a good choice.

    A friend recently warned me, in a kind of flat tone, that once they leave, it’s never the same again.  I thought it was a negative way to spin it – we can’t keep holding on to our kids so that we stay in our comfort zone as parents.    Of course they have to experience new things, and of course things will change as they grow.  As parents we grow through all of this, too!  By gradually letting go of our children at each stage of increased independence, I believe it makes each coming stage of adulthood easier.

    There’s a saying that there are two critical things we give our children: roots and wings.  As a mother, I’m grateful that we’ve been able to give them really strong roots, and now it’s beautiful to watch them stretch their wings and soar.

    Avivah

  • Dd’s departure to overseas program

    Well, dd15 is now in Israel.

    Yesterday was a somewhat grueling day.  I’d been pretty sick the day before – I’m not going to waste time on details but I was feeling really, really horrible.  The thought even flitted through my mind not to go with the rest of the family to the airport – I was physically in a lot of pain and didn’t know how I’d manage sitting for hours in a car (the airport is in NY) when even lying down was difficult.  But there are times that you go beyond your physical capacity, and I think having children regularly pushes you beyond these capacities!  🙂  It honestly wasn’t an easy day for me but it was very important for me to be present.

    We left about 9:30 in the morning, but after stopping at a friend’s house so dd could say goodbye, and then to pick up some school supplies, it wasn’t until 10:30 that we were on the highway.  Dh and I switched off driving, which gave both of us a chance to rest and helped distract me from how terrible I felt.  We drove to pick up ds17 from yeshiva and got there at the end of the afternoon break, which was great timing.

    As we drove up, one of the kids exclaimed in excitement, “This is the picture from the website!”  It felt more amazing to them since they had seen pictures online and now were able to be there in person.  We went into the office to wait for ds and everybody gave him a big hug when he came in, which is typical for our family; if someone is gone for even a day they get big hugs when they come back!   The secretary was lovely and told us how nice our family was and offered the kids peppermints, which they were happy to accept.  Ds took the boys and dh to his dorm to show them around; I would have loved to have seen his room and if it was during the learning session I would have felt comfortable to go in but during breaks you have guys walking in and out of showers, stuff like that, so not a place for females.

    It was so perfect that his yeshiva is only 15 minutes from the airport, so after our short visit at his campus we turned back around and got dd15 to the airport at the designated check-in time.  After checking in, we went to a different terminal for the planned reception.  It was a long trek from one terminal to another and kind of challenging for me so what usually would have been a normal walk felt like a marathon.

    We finally got to the other terminal and it was so nice that they had arranged for real food and vegetable platters to be served in addition to some cookies.  Dh had packed for our trip and  the food that was brought wasn’t quite what I would have chosen, and I was concerned that hunger was going to become a real issue by the afternoon.  This allayed that concern.

    The speaker for the reception started right on time, which was a pleasant surprise, and the entire thing was quite short.  It was scheduled for 1 1/2 hours, but after 30 minutes they announced that the organizer was leading the group back to the terminal.  When they made this announcement, my dh had taken the younger half of the family to the bathroom and I didn’t see any reason to rush everyone when: a) I could find my way back to the original terminal just fine, someone leading the group there in the first place would have been more helpful!; b) I had no interest in being with a large group of people in a small area where there would be no room to sit and nothing to do.  I wanted a little time and space with dd before she left and it seemed the room we were in was a much better place for that.  And it was.

    I hoped we’d have time to be together a little, but between dh going to mincha, dd davening mincha (praying afternoon service), various kids going to the bathroom and needing to be taken to the water fountain, it wasn’t exactly focused family bonding time since someone was doing something the entire time!   To have proactively pulled everyone together would have required a lot of effort and energy that I generally can command but had to accept at this time that as much as I wanted to do it, I couldn’t.

    Before the group left the area, I checked with both representatives separately, told them that we weren’t accompanying them right then but would meet the group for boarding, and asked when we should be there for boarding.  6:30 pm they both said.  That confirmed what the schedule which had been emailed several times had said, so we left the reception terminal 40 minutes before boarding time to give ourselves plenty of time to get there.  I like to be places on time and don’t like cutting things short, and particularly for dd’s sake, wanted to get there earlier than the scheduled time so she wouldn’t feel anxious about not being with everyone.

    However, this wasn’t helpful since dd ended up feeling like we were late even though we got there early!  The representatives apparently made the decision to board the group an hour early after getting the group back to the terminal.  I can understand why.  What do you do with a large group of people when there’s nothing for them to do, and not more than 10 seats in the entire area, than expedite your schedule?  I didn’t mind the change in plans.  What I minded was that it bothered dd, who started thinking we did something wrong and were very late on schedule, and started feeling very pressured.

    The airline representative didn’t make it any better – have you noticed the people lowest on the totem pole often inflate their own importance by acting like they have more power than they do?    I know this and having traveled internationally a number of times, I also am quite familiar with flight protocols, boarding times, etc.  When the rep told us with disdain that dd should have boarded an hour earlier with her group, I knew this was more about power than about anything else.  But dd didn’t.  Grrrr.  I almost wanted to smack this woman because dd started crying at this point.  As a parent you want to do what you can to make things easier for your child, and it’s frustrating when your efforts seem to backfire.  Dd isn’t emotionally overreactive as a rule, but this was an understandable exception.

    Everyone got teary eyed when dd hugged them goodbye, except me since I went with her up until the security line.  Officially only passengers are supposed to go in this line, but until they checked her boarding pass I wanted to be with her.  Before we got in line I introduced myself to a family who had a daughter going to the same program who had gotten to the terminal within the listed time for the scheduled reception but after the early departure of the group.  So I told the mother to send her daughter over to mine after they said their goodbyes so they could board together.

    While we were in line, I explained all that was left in the boarding process was to walk through the security line that was directly in front of us, then to make an immediate left (I was able to clearly p0int this out since it was only about 15 yards away) and walk to the gate labeled 6.  But she was already feeling nervous and uncertain about not having gone through with the group, and I’m glad she was able to go through it with someone else, because being with someone else really does drastically lower anxiety in a situation like this.  I hugged her goodbye and thankfully didn’t start crying even though I’d been warning my family that I’d be crying buckets so to come prepared with lots of tissues for me.  🙂  (Afterward dh told me that when I accompanied dd a little further past the point where everyone else waited, he said to the kids, “Hey, it’s no fair, we’re going to miss seeing Mommy get all emotional!”)  I say thankfully because there was enough emotion for dd without me adding more, not because I’m advocating denying one’s emotions!

    As soon as they entered the security line the other mother called the representative in charge and told her where our girls were at, and the rep said she’d be watching for them on the other side.  I wish I could have told dd this so she would have known that people were looking out for her since I think she would have felt reassured – there was only a walk of a couple of minutes from where I could see her go to where someone else would be waiting.   I  waited there for a while until dd got through security (it took a half hour since the other girl was delayed – her mother was guessing it was her bangles she couldn’t remove), after which they immediately turned a corner so I couldn’t see her anymore.

    I was a little disappointed not to be able to see any of the other parents, who I anticipated being able to chat with after the boarding.  Some I had met several months ago in NYC for the day long screening and it would have been nice to have touched base again.   Another set of parents I saw in the airport briefly who used to live in my area but moved to AL – they have a son going to the boys’ program so I had no idea they were going and it would have been nice to catch up with them.  And the lovely long term email pal who is the one who turned me on to this program – thanks, E! – I would have loved to have talked once the girls had boarded and all of us parents were feeling more relaxed.  But everything works out as it’s meant to be.

    We finally left and drove ds17 back to yeshiva, arriving in time for his evening learning session – he only missed the afternoon session. He and dd are very close and it was important to have him there with the rest of us to see her off, but I was glad we were able to minimize the interruptions to his schedule. A couple of people made comments that implied how difficult it would be to take everyone for such a long day of driving (particularly for the littles), but to us it wasn’t even a consideration to leave anyone behind.  It’s just how our family does things.

    After dropping ds off, we then headed back home, arriving at 12:30 am.  Thankfully everyone transferred to their beds pretty smoothly and I woke up knowing that dd was already in Israel!  Isn’t incredible that we live in times when major travel can be completed so quickly and easily?!

    Dd15 called dh at work to tell him the cell phone and special card for Israel calls we bought weren’t compatible and since she was borrowing a phone, literally didn’t talk for more than a minute.  So that was the extent of the call.  Very disappointing since all day long everyone was waiting for her call with every ring of the phone!  Fortunately she emailed me later in the day to say that she wrote a post on her blog that we could read – I don’t generally read her blog since it’s a vehicle for communicating with her friends and I feel it would be a violation of her privacy.  (For her year in Israel we’ll be reading regularly.)  I read her post out loud to the kids during dinner, since that was when I saw her message come through.  (I almost started crying the first two times I started trying to read it out loud, though.)

    She sounds really happy and really tired.  Really, really tired.  Seriously, all of these kids must be going on fumes because it sounded like most of them didn’t sleep during the flight and probably didn’t sleep much the night before they left, either!  Hopefully we’ll get to talk to her tomorrow, but for now I’m just happy to know that she’s arrived safely and things are going well so far.  Dd is a great girl with a wonderful energy and attitude toward people and life, and I’m optimistic that this year will be an incredible experience for her.

    As far as how I feel about having the oldest two gone, that’s another topic…..

    Avivah

  • Wedding, upsherin, yeshiva update

    Today has been such a wonderful day!  I’m going to sum up today in just one post, so it’s going to be long – consider yourself forewarned! 🙂

    We started the day by getting ready for my mother’s wedding.  Originally it was scheduled for mid October, but at the beginning of August they moved the date to today so that my dd15 would be able to be there before leaving to study abroad for the year.  My mother realized how important it was to dd15 to be there, and felt that it was important that all of our kids be there.  It meant a lot of extra time pressure for them and because it overlapped with this very busy time for our family, I really wasn’t able to be of much help in planning.  Fortunately, there were a number of wonderful friends who were there for them and were just incredible in the level of help and support they offered.  I actually think it was good that I couldn’t be involved since it gave my mother a chance to see how many people really cared about her.

    Figuring out what everyone should wear was the biggest challenge the night before, since I didn’t have time to do any wedding shopping, so I relied on ‘shopping’ in my attic, which served me well for the boys.  The girls went out to a thrift store late Friday afternoon and found a couple of items – they decided they all wanted to wear black and white so they’d match.  Even though I would have preferred more color for the little boys, I went ahead and dressed them all in black pants, white shirts, and dark vests.  They looked very cute, and it was definitely easy to color coordinate them.  🙂

    Anyway, my mom spent Shabbos with us and asked if I’d take her to the wedding, which I was very happy to do.  Initially I thought I’d go myself, take her to the synagogue where the ceremony was being held, and then go back for the kids.  But in the end we all piled into the car to get her.  As soon as she opened the door to the van, everyone broke out into singing for her.  We got there early for photos, and I got to meet her fiance’s family members; they were a little apprehensive about the unfamiliarity of an Orthodox wedding ceremony, but were lovely people.

    It was a beautiful wedding – everyone remarked on it.  I keep thinking about it, trying to put my finger on what was so special about it.  Everything was done nicely, but it was a simple event, not in a fancy hall or with extravagant catering or a huge crowd of people.  The chupah was held on the front lawn of the synagogue, under a chupa loaned and set up by a friend.  (Afterward I asked the man it belonged to how many weddings it had been used for, and he led me underneath and showed me an embroidered square with the name, date, and location for each couple that had so far used it – it was about eight so far.

    The food set up and clean up, and much more than just that, was orchestrated by a wonderful family who both my mother and her new husband are close with.  There was a nice but not huge group of people attending – about 100 for the meal and more for the chupah and dancing, but I’m not sure how much more.   But everything about it was just so nice.  I think a big part it was was the obvious happiness of the couple, and the palpable support of family and friends.  It’s really only people who can create the environment, not the location or price of the food.

    A few people asked me how it felt to be ‘marrying off’ my mother.  (Our kids all walked down the aisle, and I was the one by her side where traditionally a mother would be.)  My answer is that it didn’t feel strange at all – I’m so happy for my mother to have found such a wonderful person to spend the rest of her life with.   My mother has often marveled at my relationship with my husband over these last eighteen years.  Several times she’s asked me how I did it, and my first answer is always that I married a wonderful person, and that’s the most important thing.  She told me recently she finally understood what I meant;  she was able to now see that marriage doesn’t have to be constant hard work and realize how much easier marriage could be when you marry someone who you have a strong and meaningful emotional connection with.

    We look at it as our family growing – the kids have a new grandfather, and his mother we’ve dubbed ‘Grandma (firstname); his brother and sister are now aunts and uncles.  He doesn’t have any children from his previous marriage and has inherited a large and very active family – us!  Fortunately his family seems to like us (my kids overheard his mother talking about them to and she kept saying how wonderful they were, so it seems they’re happy wit the family he’s marrying into!)

    We left the house at 9:45 am, the wedding started at 11 am, and though it was officially scheduled for two hours, we didn’t get home until about 3:30.  Since I had the upsherin (birthday party for three year old boy) scheduled for 5 pm, it didn’t leave me much time to get ready. I asked dd15 to quickly whip up a cake, chose to forgo shopping for fruit and vegetable platters, and used apple and orange juice left from the wedding for beverages.  I had purchased a good bit of snack foods during my monthly shopping trip a couple of weeks ago.  After less than half hour getting the house and food on track, as well as putting the littles in for a nap, I left the girls to put together some snack trays while I went down the block to the engagement party of a neighbor’s son (who was in my carpool just three years ago!).   (Dd15 came with me but only stayed long enough to verbalize her congratulations.)  I stayed there for about a half hour, then came back about 35 minutes before the upsherin.

    Ds3 was so exhausted that he had fallen asleep on the couch immediately after we came home from the wedding, and I was concerned that he’d be so groggy that he’d be out of sorts when he woke up.  But fortunately he woke up fairly smoothly after the house started filling up – the excitement of all the people definitely helped!  Since it was at the house and I have so much going on now that I didn’t want to create a huge pressure for myself, we didn’t invite a large crowd.  We invited grandparents, and three families, two of which were large.  But we had almost 40 people there (including my family, of course!) even though we kept it small.  This is the first time that we’ve had an upsherin with anyone from outside of the family present.  And it was really nice.  Ds did great sitting calmly while about 35 people cut snips of his long blond hair.  It was a lovely party which we all enjoyed.

    Ds17 managed to get a ride from NY at 4 am from a friend of my mother’s – it was a last minute arrangement which I was so grateful for.  The day he went to NY for yeshiva, there was a major fire that affected the train routes, and when he got to his transfer point, he was stranded for a couple of hours until he ended up getting a cab with a couple of other people to the final train stop.  We found out late Friday afternoon that the damage still hadn’t been repaired and therefore the train that connects him to Manhattan still wasn’t running.  We really weren’t sure how to get him home in time for the wedding.  Because he’s so new there, he’s not yet familiar with subways and buses, and the times were so tight (he needed to arrive here by 10 am, meaning he needed to leave Manhattan before 7 am, and it takes 90 minutes to get into Manhattan from where he is) that there was no margin for error.  I mentioned my dilemma to my mom on Shabbos, and she told me she had a friend coming from the general area for the wedding.  She wasn’t sure how far away it was, or what their schedule was, but immediately after Shabbos she made a couple of calls and her friend agreed to pick ds up from his dorm (at 4 am).

    This was a major blessing, since he got here 8 am, went straight to synagogue for morning services, and was back exactly in time to leave with us to pick up my mother.  And this wonderful couple offered to take him back tonight, and that’s what they did – and thanks to their offer, he was able to take substantially more than he could have taken on the bus in one suitcase.  That was great since he only took enough clothing for the first few days, and now was able to take some bulky things he was missing, like a blanket (he only took sheets).

    I really didn’t have time to have a meaningful conversation with ds17 at all today (or any of the other kids, for that matter), since we were busy with one thing after another.  I told him I’m looking forward to hearing lots about everything when he comes home for Sukkos – but fortunately when we spoke on the phone several times in the last week, his overwhelming feedback is that he’s extremely happy in yeshiva.  He told me during one of those conversations that everyone is very positive about homeschooling; the peer feedback is that they think he was lucky, that it’s great/cool.  People have repeatedly been surprised at how young he is and that he’s so mature – he was chatting with a 20 year old at breakfast, and at the end the young man said, “I can’t believe I’ve just had an intelligent conversation over breakfast!”  He mentioned today that he already has a reputation, so I asked him, “As the boy who homeschooled?”  He said, “No, as a ‘shtarke bochur’ (used to describe someone who is serious about his studies) – that’s how his rebbi introduced him to his wife, and how his learning partner introduced him to someone else.  🙂    It’s such a delight to hear in his voice how happy he is about literally everything.  (I was chatting with dh about this, and I told him, “That’s our secret – deprive them of things everyone else forces down their throat – eg, yeshiva, and then they feel so lucky when we finally let them have it!”)

    I finished the day by taking dd15 to an appointment to try to clear up some things before she leaves in a couple of days.  We got home quite late at night, but are all glad we can look back on today as a wonderfully full and special day.

    Avivah

  • Encouraging love of learning in disenchanted teen

    >>I read with great interest your posting about your son learning mishnayos, well done! You said kids just want to do the right thing etc and it’s better if they are not pushed, but this is not always the case. I didn’t want to post this in the comments, but I have a 14 year old son who has absolutley no interest in learning (he also wants a smaller yarmulke, never wants to wear his tzizis out, doesn’t want to wear a hat, wants to go to a less frum school etc etc – in general wants to push the boundaries on yiddishkeit). Whenver my husband tries to learn so gemorrah with him, my son puts up a great big fuss, and it’s really not pleasant. I am wondering if your husband himself learns after davening, I bet his does. Someone posted that it’s really to do with modelling, kids model the behaviour of their parents.

    Now what do you do if your husband has no interest in learning? I would love my son to learn and it really hurts me that he doesn’t, he even spends much of Shabbos afternoon lying on his bed reading (usually non Jewish books). He has so much time to learn, but he doesn’t. (ALthough he does go to a shiur – not text based – after mincha, so maybe I shouldn’t complain). But he does not ever revise his gemorrah.

    The thing is that he never sees his father sitting down to learn, and also his father never ever ever ever in all the years once asked him to learn without me first asking his father to learn wtih our son! This pains me deeply (that my husband, and now my son have no interest in learning), and has pained me for many many years (over 10). I have never told anyone this, as I don’t want to put my husband down to other people. I have had many phone calls over the years from my sons’ teachers telling me how he shows little interest in learning, but what on earth am I supposed to do about it? (I feel like telling them, well it’s not surprising as he never sees his father learn either!).  I have been told not to push my son, so we don’t, but I don’t really see how this will help the  situation. We dno’t push him and he doesn’t learn! Gemorrah is not a subject you can just drop, he will need to go to yeshiva in a few years and learn gemorrah all day, and I wonder how this will work. What do I do?<<

    When I read your question, my sense was that there are a few issues behind the expressed concern about Torah learning.  When concerns are religiously based, we tend to not question what our deepest beliefs behind those concerns are, and assume that we have the right intentions in mind.  But although I believe there is real pain about your son’s lack of interest in Judaism and Torah learning, I have a sense that there’s a lot more going on than that.

    My feeling is that the primary issues you’re facing are:  a) your relationship with your son isn’t good; b) your husband’s relationship with your son isn’t good; c) your marriage isn’t good; d) you’re very unhappy in general.  Please forgive me in advance for making assumptions that may not be accurate.

    Yes, I said in the past that children want to do the right thing, and want to be close to their parents.  That goes along with the following caveat – when children are treated with acceptance and appreciation for who they are, they want to do the right thing.  When they feel a strong and positive bond to their parents, they will strive to emulate their parents. When they feel the heavy weight of expectations they can’t meet or don’t want to meet, it’s a different scenario altogether.

    What happens if a child doesn’t feel accepted for who he is?  What if he senses that the approval he receives is dependent on him acting in a certain way, or doing certain things? Yes, we should have standards for our children and hold them to those standards.  A child can see his parents are displeased with bad behavior and appreciate good behavior.  But he should know that he is loved for who he is at the core, even if he doesn’t always live up to our standards.  This isn’t easy to do as a parent, particularly for some children, who due to behavior or personality, are harder to love and accept as they are.

    Your son is making it clear that he doesn’t find the way Judaism is practiced in your home meaningful or positive.  This isn’t about gemara – this is about a general dissatisfaction and perhaps cynicism about the value of the life you’re telling him to lead.  He’s not finding inspiration by watching how this plays out in the lives of the adults around him.  Your husband isn’t the only influence on your son.  There are people who are married to spouses who aren’t religious at all who have been successful in giving over a love for Judaism and learning!

    Don’t make yourself a victim or tell yourself you have no power.  You’re placing a lot of blame on your husband for things that you have plenty of room to affect for the better.   Stop blaming him and start owning your part – this is a hard thing to do, because you are getting some kind of payback for thinking the way you’re currently thinking that you’ll have to give up.  What are those paybacks?  You’re the one who knows yourself, and you’re the only one who can answer it.  I’m guessing that one very big thing is that you don’t have to be accountable.  No matter what happens to your son, you can say it’s because he didn’t have a father who learned with him, or whatever else.

    But maybe you’re wondering, where do you have power?  The mother is the main one who creates the home environment.  No matter who your husband is or isn’t, you can become an emotionally safe and loving person for your son, so that in your presence your son feels secure and accepted to be the person he is, with all of his flaws, fears, and ambivalence.

    Support actions that you like and focus on that, and you’ll get more of it.  Focus on all the things your son doesn’t do, and he’ll get the feeling that he’s never good enough and no matter what he does, he can’t make you happy.  I’ll turn the examples you gave upside down: instead of ‘he doesn’t want to wear a hat’, think with appreciation that he wears a yarmulke; instead of ‘he doesn’t want to wear his tzitzis out’, think how wonderful it is that he wears tzitzis even at times when it is uncomfortable or inconvenient; instead of focusing on the secular literature he reads, think how glad you are that you know where he is and what he’s doing, that he chooses decent quality books to read (if that’s true), that he’s not hanging out on street corners with unsavory friends engaging in dangerous or immoral behavior.  You can see where I’m going with this, right? 🙂  Whatever negative you feel, turn it upside down and try to find the positive in it.

    What if you take your son to the Jewish library (if you have one) prior to Shabbos, and tell him you know how much he loves to read, and you’d like to help him find things he can enjoy that are in the spirit of Shabbos?  Show him that you understand he’s bored when there’s nothing to do, and are willing to exert yourself to help him find things.  What about taking him to the public library? There are things like inspiring biographies of famous people, motivational books written specifically for teens – maybe it doesn’t match your ideal of Shabbos reading, but it can still be a positive way for your son to use his time.  What about making time to play a board game or card game with him on Shabbos (eg Rumikub)?

    Start consciously noticing all the good things your son does every single day – make it a goal to list ten different things a day.  It will be hard at first because you’ll be looking for big things, and you’re going to have to start noticing the small things that you take for granted, or things that don’t seem noteworthy at all.  Don’t tell your son you’re doing this; your attitude towards him will shift and he’ll feel it.

    You can be enthusiastic and supportive of whatever learning he does – perhaps let him know you’re so proud that he chooses to go to a Torah lecture on Shabbos afternoon during his free time.  Who cares if it’s text based or not? Maybe you can bake something special for him to have when he gets back from his lecture.  Take five minutes when he comes home to sit down with him while he has a refreshing drink or a treat, and ask him what he learned.  You can share your thoughts, too.  Keep it light and positive, with the focus on the good person he is.  This goes very far in creating a positive feeling towards learning.

    I’m going to try to clarify what is meant by the recommendation not ‘to push’.  That means, let go of your emotional expectations and the negative energy that you’re projecting along with it.  It doesn’t mean you stop trying to be a good role model – be a person who has joy in her Jewish life, a person who learns on her own or values those who learn.  Model for your son what a life of meaning in Judaism is to you.  It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as it’s really what matters to you.  Kids can sniff out hypocrisy and preaching from miles away, so don’t start faking it.  Think about why you do what you do, what it is you do that gives meaning to your life.  I share these things with my kids in conversation on a regular basis.

    It seems there is a lot of resentment and anger towards your husband.  You’re not expressing it directly, and it’s understandable to have so much frustration when you feel your child’s other parent isn’t working with you to create the home you want.  But realize that as admirable as your goals for Torah learning of your son and husband are, they are rooted in ego.  We develop ideas of what the people in our lives should be, and how they should act so that it reflects well on us – and then we get upset when they don’t meet our expectations.  Let go of the expectation – it’s not serving you well and you’re causing yourself to suffer.

    Finally, accept that maybe your son isn’t a person who will flourish in the arena of academic study, regardless of how loving and accepting you are.  Every person has unique strengths, interests, and abilities – in the Orthodox community there’s a Lake Wobegone attitude that all boys can be great learners and spend their teen years and up in intensive daily study for hours at a time learning in an intellectual and abstract way.  May I introduce the possibility of realism to this scenario? 😆

    Don’t worry about what will happen in a few years, or assume that if your son doesn’t have interest in gemara now that he’s doomed.  Nonsense.  If later on he feels it’s important to him, he’ll exert himself to make up lost ground.  But not every young man will feel gemara is primary to him, and not every young man should be directed to full time yeshiva studies post high school – and that’s okay!  I know it’s almost sacrilegious to suggest that, but there are many ways to know G-d and live a meaningful religious life.  And there are many other parts of Torah except the Talmud:  Chumash (Bible), Navi (Prophets), halacha (Jewish law), mussar (study of character development) – there is so much a person can learn.

    You didn’t ask about suggestions for your marriage, but everything I’ve said about accepting and encouraging your son could be applied to your husband, too.

    I realize that all of this requires a change in mindset, and changing mindsets and the habits that go along with them is challenging.  It will take time, and it will take conscious effort.  But I guarantee that you, your husband, and your son will all be significantly happier if you do!

    Avivah