Category: Parenting

Today my ds had his seventh birthday.  Though we keep birthdays low key, we do mark them with some kind of family celebration.  Last night my ds suggested to me that he should go to sleep early so that I could plan his birthday and start making special treats for him.  Amused, I asked him what he thought I should make, and he said in disbelief, “How should I know?  It’s supposed to be a surprise!”  🙂

Well, it gets harder and harder to surprise anyone when they’re expecting something.  And maybe it doesn’t matter if it’s a surprise or not, as long as the child having the birthday feels nurtured and cared about.  But he was wasn’t expecting what we did for his birthday; here is how we did it.

Dd14 slept over at her grandparents last night, so they baked a cake over there, and then frosted it.  They also picked up chips and fruit.  Early this afternoon, ds went to ds10’s baseball game, and directly from there, my mom took them to watch my ds15’s baseball game.  His game was being held at a regional park with picnic pavilions and a park, so we decided we’d have dinner there after the game for ds’s birthday.

While ds was gone, this gave us a chance to plan the dinner menu and then the kids at home got busy making food without their brother being there to know what they were doing.  They made crustless broccoli cheese quiche, carrot sticks, corn on the cob, and popcorn popped in extra virgin coconut oil, and mixed up some orange juice from concentrate (we hardly ever drink juice) to drink.  (Together with the birthday cake, chips, and apples and peaches, this completed the picnic dinner menu.)  As soon as my husband got home later in the afternoon, we headed over to meet everyone else at the baseball field. 

We got there just as the game ended and took the younger kids to the play area on one side of the park while the older kids set up dinner in a pavilion on the other side.  They managed to get the table set and everything in place just as ds returned with his siblings from the play area. 

We greeted him by singing “Happy Birthday” and having him cut his frosted cake with the personalized birthday message on top.  Then we ate dinner together – my inlaws were there, too.  Everyone really enjoyed the quiche and after dessert, the kids had a great time running around and playing together.  A couple of his siblings gave him gifts.  It was a very relaxing and enjoyable evening – dh told me a couple of times what a nice dinner and outing it was.  I suppose we were at the park for about 2 1/2 hours before we headed back home, though ds7 didn’t come back home with us, since I agreed that in honor of his birthday he could have a sleepover at his grandparents house tonight.  I rarely agree to this during the week because it throws off the schedule the next day, and once I agree to let one person do it, then I have six others clamoring for the same privilege.

I’m grateful that my kids are so happy with simple outings and dinners like these – all of the kids thought it was a very nice birthday dinner.  I realize that it doesn’t sound impressive, but that’s just fine with me, because impressing anyone isn’t any part of my goal!  I try to keep things as simple as possible, and focus on the heart of the celebration, making the child in questions feel special.   I find that keeping things simple allows everyone to enjoy our time together; often when you add more expensive or elaborate plans to the mix, they end up being distracting and taking the focus from the child and putting it onto the activity/food/entertainment.

With this last baby being born in May, he’s added another month to the birthday celebration cycle (ie nine children born in nine different months).  This is a busy birthday season for us (the winter is the slow season – we’re still missing birthdays in Dec., Feb, and March) – just another 2 1/2 weeks until the next birthday….

Avivah

I’m in love!  I can’t believe that it’s taken me until my ninth baby to use a wrap style carrier, but it’s amazing!  I’m so thrilled to have found something so easy to use, comfortable for the baby and easy on the back. 

I first saw someone using a baby wrap when I was pregnant with my fifth child, and though I thought it looked  like a good idea, it didn’t occur to me to pursue getting one for myself.  I had a sling, and that worked well enough for me.  The wrap also looked kind of funky, in my opinion, and seemed complicated.  The sling hasn’t been something I’ve used much for the past few kids, though it was invaluable with my third baby (who is now almost 13).  But for my last two babies, we had so many hands wanting to hold them that I didn’t really feel the need for a baby carrier, so it didn’t matter much that I didn’t have an effective one to use. 

Now that I have this new wrap, I really feel that I missed out on having one with my last babies, because it makes it so much easier to take care of a baby.  I received this wrap (called a Sleepy Wrap) as a gift from an online friend – it’s amazing how we can connect to others through the internet without ever meeting them.  She finished using it for her baby boy and thought I might enjoy it.  She was SO right.  I’ve really wanted to buy a wrap for the past few months, but kept thinking I could make one myself for a lot less than $40.  But I wasn’t feeling very motivated to make one, and I didn’t. 

When she emailed to ask if I was interested in the wrap, I couldn’t believe it!  There really was nothing I could think of that I wanted for this baby except for a wrap, and this was just so perfect!  As I sit here at the computer, the baby has been snugly against my chest the whole time, sleeping in the wrap.  Especially with two toddlers, I really appreciate being able to keep the baby close while having the use of both hands. This morning, he woke up at 5 and though I went to bed early, I lost track of time when I got caught up in a new book I’m reading (Atlas Shrugged – fascinating and thought provoking – I read 500 pages since yesterday afternoon, and am almost halfway through it) – it was 2 pm when I realized how late it was and turned the lights out.  Facing the day with three hours of sleep would usually make me feel like crying, but I just got up, stuck the baby in the wrap, read my book while standing for a short while, and he was asleep before long.  Then I sat down in the recliner, leaned back, and with him still in the wrap fell back asleep myself!  Everytime he began to stir, I’d just slightly rock the recliner; I got another couple of hours of sleep like this.

Not only am I enjoying the wrap, but my kids are, too!  We’ve only had it for five days, but so far five kids have tried it – dd8, ds10, dd12, dd14, and ds15.  Ds15 didn’t enjoy it because the baby happened to be hungry when he used it and was crying.  I told him to try it another time after he’s been fed.  The other three all loved it – it was so cute to see dd8 sitting on the couch after our yom tov meal, reading her book with the baby cuddled up to her in the wrap.  Dd12 took the toddlers for a yom tov walk while carrying the baby in the wrap (dd14 told her she was embarrassed to be seen with her and wouldn’t go along with them if she wore the wrap – “only mothers are supposed to wear wraps in public”), and also wore him a bunch in the house. 

Tonight dh and I went to a curriculum fair, and we took only the baby along.  I had him in the wrap the entire time, and it made it so easy to keep him content (he slept soundly the entire time) while shopping and shmoozing with the homeschool moms selling stuff.  (And yes, I got loads of good deals – my dh asked me if he should look for anything in particular.  He was glancing through some brand new curriculum at brand new prices, and I told him, I don’t buy stuff at those prices.  My target price is free or almost free!  We spent $15 and got five boxes filled with books, a bunch of videos made by the Feature Films for Family company (I very much like those because they are clean and have good values – I have a very hard time finding videos that meet my standards but those I’ve so far aquired from the thrift store have been good), and also got some nice odds and ends, like a low power microscope, tupperware picnic container, chemistry set, game of Candyland, and a few homeschooling cassettes.  The kids will have fun unloading everything in the morning, since they were asleep when we got home.)

Something I like about this particular wrap is the stretchiness of the material, which holds the baby close and doesn’t work it’s way loose.  I’m far from an expert on other wraps – this is the only one I’ve ever used, but it works for me and I’m very appreciative to have it!   

Avivah

It’s funny to see how quickly a tiny baby aquires nicknames!  Until we name our kids, I usually call them something like ‘cutie tootie baby’ – not so original, but so what?  As soon as this baby was born, the kids already started calling him ‘chamoodi’.  This was due to something that happened when our last baby was born.  My ds was then 8, and because that baby had so much dark hair (he’s very fair now, with blue eyes – people can’t believe it when we say he was darker than any of the kids at birth), said he looked like a gorilla.  He asked my dh how to say ‘gorilla’ in Hebrew, and my dh, knowing what our son’s intent was in asking, told him ‘chamoodi’ (cutie).  So ds went around calling the baby chamoodi, thinking he was putting one over on all of us by calling the baby a gorilla.  I think he did wonder a little why we didn’t stop him.  The look on his face when he discovered a few days later that he had been calling the baby a cutie and everyone but him realized that was priceless! 

When this baby was a day old, my ds6 told me that he looked like Yoda (from Star Wars).  He didn’t say it in a joking way, or to make fun of the baby, so I asked him what he meant.  He told me that ‘the baby has old eyes’, which was perceptive of him, since newborn do have a look of ancient wisdom in their eyes.  He’s a very different personality from his older ‘gorilla’ naming brother, so it didn’t occur to him to call the baby Yoda. 🙂

But don’t worry, we still have plenty of nicknames already in use!  As soon as the baby was named (Shimshon), that very day we had three different nicknames for him.  Shim, Shimmy, Shimshy – and my ds3 said he wanted to call him ‘Shimmy the youngest’, because of a book we have by that name. I do think that when giving a child a name, you should give them a name that both you and they will be happy to use.  But I’ve nicknamed all of my kids, and as long as the nicknames are nice, then I’m the last to complain!

Avivah

>>How do you get your kids to bed without screaming?  My 3 and 5 year olds give me lots of excuses for getting out of bed, and the only thing that finally gets them to stay in bed is when I yell at them.  I feel horrible about this but I just don’t know what else to do.  And what makes it even worse is that it isn’t even effective long term – the next night the same thing happens. << 

Putting kids to bed can be a pleasure or a nightmare.  For the most part I’ve enjoyed bedtimes, but can remember when my kids were very little and wouldn’t stay in, no matter what I did, I thought.  I was wrong – there was plenty I could have done, but I didn’t know how to effectively go about it.  The great part about dealing with this while your kids are so young is that they can change their habits fairly quickly when they see that you mean business.

First of all, have a pleasant winding down bedtime routine.  For us this has almost always meant dinner, and then reading out loud together to everyone once they’re in pajamas.  The day is long and hectic, and they need time to emotionally transition to the slower pace of the nighttime.  It’s very hard to fall asleep when you feel revved up!  After reading, we usually sing Shema together, give hugs and kisses, and then they get in bed.  It sounds like this is the point where you’re having trouble.  You’re spent the time and energy getting them in bed and are pretty much emotionally finished, ready to have some quiet time to yourself.  So their tiny voices requesting a drink, the bathroom, the need to show you something, are far from appreciated right now!  Right?

Kids can sense parental ambivalence, and they can tell when you mean business.  They aren’t listening to you because you’re projecting ambivalence about what you really want.  You may think that if you’re screaming, you can’t possibly be ambivalent.  Right – that’s why they finally listen when you scream – it’s not the screaming but the clear message you’re giving that they’re responding to.  But think about this some more: what do you do before you start screaming?  Are you giving your kids a clear and unambiguous message right away when they start with the very first excuse to get out of bed?  Why not?  What’s going on in your head when the nighttime routine starts to unravel?  Kids crave clarity and boundaries, and you need to communicate what the boundaries for bedtime are with firmness, from a place of inner calm.    It seems to me that you’re taught your kids that until you yell, they can ignore what you say. 

If a child of mine wants a drink, I don’t mind if they get themselves water and get back into bed. But after that, that’s it.  If they ask to get out of bed, I say, “No, it’s time for sleeping now.  You can do xyz in the morning.”  If they ask again, it’s the broken record – I say the same thing in the same matter of fact, no nonsense voice.  Because they know I mean this, that usually ends it (though every so often we go through this again with the next child who needs to learn this lesson for himself, most recently ds3).  But they didn’t always know that I meant it.  What did I do to show them I meant what I said?

Important – whatever specific action you take, remember, you need to be firm but calm.   You shouldn’t be reacting to the situation, but responding.  There’s a big difference.  When we’re reacting, it’s coming from a place of irritation and anger.  A lot of times, our anger is actually coming from our frustration and feeling helpless about how to deal with a situation, and our thoughts about the situation, not from what the child is actually doing. So the first thing is to address what’s going on with you and respond from a place of inner calm.  I found it helpful to remember that I was doing it for the child’s benefit, that they needed to get a good night’s sleep, and I was acting from a place of love and kindness by helping them learn to stay in bed.  And it really helped me to feel calm once I felt I had a way to effectively handle the situation, rather than feeling like they were in control of the situation instead of me – that addressed the feeling of powerlessness that I was really bothered by. 

Here’s what worked for me.  I put them all in bed, and then sat outside their door with a book to read to myself so I wouldn’t get bored.  (For very little kids, you can even sit at the foot of their bed.  But don’t look at them, smile, or make conversation – unless you don’t mind them finding strategies to keep you interacting with them.)  They popped out of bed – surprise!  There I was.  I got up immediately, and without any anger or talking, matter of factly put them right back in bed.  If they protested (and you know they did!), I said calmly, “Now it’s time for bed.”  If they got up again – I was there right away before they hardly had time to climb out.  If they asked me something, I said, “No talking now, it’s bedtime.”  They got the message very quickly that there was no emotional or physical gain by repeatedly getting up or trying to get me to respond.  They didn’t get attention, positive or negative, and they didn’t get whatever physical things they might have wanted (like a snack).  In the daytime they got lots of attention and my receptive ear.  How long do you think young children will keep this up if they consistently are getting the same response?

(By the way, I did basically the same thing when my kids got older and I found that they were talking and talking and talking after they were in bed, and it was escalating to being loud and rowdy.)

So to recap: 1) intercept them immediately (ie, don’t wait for them to walk around five minutes before responding – I’ve found the immediacy is an important factor since it needs to be very clear to them what you’re responding to); 2) respond calmly and firmly.  And 3) repeat as necessary.  🙂

Good luck!

Avivah

My ds15 and ds10 are both good baseball players – very good.  And for years, I attended every game, sitting in the field with all of the other kids for hours every Sunday while first the younger one played in his league, and then the older one played in his league. But then my husband’s work schedule shifted and he needed to take our only vehicle to work on Sundays, so last year I wasn’t able to attend most of the games.

Fortunately, only my ds10 (then 9) was playing last year; my oldest son had aged out of his league and was coaching his brother’s team, and they went together to the games.  This year, they are again both playing baseball, but now in two separately administered leagues which means two different locations.  I’m so grateful to my in-laws for taking ds15 to his games, and my mom for taking ds9 to his games, because otherwise they’d really miss out. 

As much as I appreciate that they get to their games without my involvement being necessary, I’ve kind of missed being actively involved in supporting them with my presence.  They come home and tell me about how the games were, but it’s not the same as you being there to see it for yourself.  Several times this season I’ve planned to go to their mid week games, and they’ve been rained out every time.  But on Friday I finally got my chance.

Friday isn’t a day that they usually have a game, but this was the All Star game for ds15.  What that means is all six teams in the league send their 4 best players to play a game together. They determine who to send by having all of the players on each team vote.  Ds was one of those voted in for his team, and since this is an extra game, they needed to schedule it at a time the field was available – 5 pm on Friday afternoon (they ended at 7 to accomodate those who were shomer Shabbos).

Now you might think this wasn’t the most convenient time – and it wasn’t – but I was really glad I’d finally be able to be there!  Not only was I able to go, but I took most of the other kids (dh took ds6 and 10 swimming), too.  I enjoyed being able to watch him in person, and share in his sense of achievement and pleasure in the game.   I was able to watch him pitch during a high pressure situation and feel totally relaxed and confident in him, even as some of his pitches weren’t landing where he wanted them.  While he was playing, I was able to appreciate not only the pressure he was under, but how well he handled the pressure, something I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been there.  When I saw him at bat, I saw for myself why he was considered the best hitter in the league.  And as I was watching, I kept thinking about this is why it’s so important it is to be involved with something your child cares about, and how grateful I was that I could be there for my ds. 

He knew why the legitimate reasons I hadn’t been able to come until now and didn’t have any complaints about it.  But when I told him I’d be coming to this game, it meant alot to him – he didn’t expect me to allow him to play late on erev Shabbos, let alone come along myself.  He knew it wasn’t convenient for me, and I was able to show him, without saying a word about it, that sharing in something important to him was important to me, too.  

You know, we all do things for our kids every day, but when kids assume something is a given in their lives, it’s not much of a deposit in the relationship bank for them.  They expect to be fed, for example, so giving them dinner every night isn’t a big deal for them emotionally, though it would be for a child who was neglected and not fed regular meals.  It’s generally when you do something that they feel is extra that you have the chance to show how much you care, and this was a significant deposit for ds.  When I told my son how much I enjoyed watching him play, he earnestly thanked me for coming and told me how much he appreciated that I was there. 

When your children have a passion or interest, follow up on it.  And though you need to give them space for it to be ‘theirs’ (not like one of those parents who cares more than the child does about the activity), be actively interested and show that you care.  No matter how old they are and how independent they may seem, our interest in them shows them that we love them. 

Avivah

Last week, I had an interesting conversation with my older kids (we have lots of interesting conversations, actually!), ages 10, 12.5, 14, and 15.5.  I always have thoughts on something percolating in my brain, so these conversations get started when I share my thoughts or ask them for their opinions.  In this case, I asked them if they thought people should continue having children if the parents were unable to pay full tuition for the children they already had.   Since we homeschool, tuition isn’t an issue I have to deal with, and this was a non-personal starting point for a conversation about the value of having children and the choices we make in providing for them.

This isn’t something we’ve ever discussed before, and my kids really wanted to hear my take on it.  But I want my kids to learn to think things through for themselves, not to just adopt whatever I say as the right position, so they each had their say before I made any comments.  One child surprised me by saying no, people shouldn’t have any more kids if they can’t pay full tuition, and when I asked her why, she said that they would have so much financial pressure that they wouldn’t be happy to have more children.  And if they weren’t happy, they shouldn’t have more children.  So their happiness was the defining value, not the tuition.  The others argued that school is only one way to educate a child, and isn’t a necessity, educating your children is what parents are responsible to take care of.  So they said if people wanted to have more children, they should look for other ways to educate their children that would meet everyone’s needs, and that tuition alone wasn’t a good yardstick to use to make that decision.

I then asked what if someone couldn’t afford full tuition for more than one child, should they stop having children at that point?  What if they could afford full tuition, but couldn’t afford for the mother to stay at home with the children when they were young?  What about if the children had to share bedrooms, couldn’t afford sleep away (or even day camp), had to have very simple food, couldn’t afford extra curricular activities, wouldn’t have weddings/college tuitions fully funded by parents?  What about if they had to drive old cars, live in a tiny house in not so great neighborhood, buy used clothes, and never had vacations?  What if they could afford full tuition, overseas vacations, and an otherwise high material standard, but the kids came home to an empty house every day, or spent more time with a nanny or housekeeper than their parents?

To me, these questions have to be asked to get to the heart of the issue.  We have to ask ourselves these questions to define what our foremost values are, to determine what is worthwhile to spend money on, and where children fit into that picture.  What are the necessities in raising children?  This is so individual, yet there are so many judgements of those who make different choices than we do.  But because the core values behind the decisions are so widely varying, it’s not likely there’s going to be a consensus from the different sides.

Fortunately, everyone doesn’t have to agree with the choices we make.  It does matter if we’ve taken the time to think about the choices we make. As you know, we so far have eight children (soon to be nine).  Having each and every one of our children is a value for us.  It’s a conscious value, meaning that we don’t go on  having kids because we don’t know how to prevent it, or because we feel social pressure (none of that actually – few of our peers have large families), or because we feel it’s a religious obligation.  It’s because we have so much joy in raising children, in putting our time and efforts into growing people who are making the world a better place and who bring so much light into our lives and the lives of one another, that the material ‘sacrifices’ some might see us as having made pale in comparison.

Having a larger family means our kids share rooms.  We have a modest house in a working class neighborhood.  We drive an eight year old van that comfortably seats us all, go on yearly camping vacations, and don’t consider summer camp a necessity for anyone (though a number of the kids have gone).  Our extra curricular activities are limited, though the kids have been fortunate to have music lessons and sports when desired, and though we do get to have some nice day trips and outings.  We see paid work for teens as a positive value, and encourage good financial management from a young age (all of them from the age of six and up have their own savings accounts).  There is no college fund for any of them – we expect our kids to find ways to fund college, if that’s the route they take (though we’ll pay for any college expenses while they are still in high school, if they choose to do dual enrollment), and have told them that when they get married, it means that they’re taking on adult responsibilities, including paying their own way and providing for themselves.  We are very supportive of teaching our children skills that will help them as they enter adult life, but not very supportive of giving children money just because they want something.

We see learning to get along with others in your family as a very positive value.  Learning to think about others and look out for younger siblings is a positive value to us.  Learning to delay gratification, share, and make choices because you can’t have it all builds inner character, in our minds.  So are we depriving our children? Should we have stopped long ago so that the older children could have more materially as they are growing up?  We don’t think so.

On the flip side, we’ve been told how lucky we are that we can afford to have one parent at home full time.  (‘Lucky’ is the subject of another long overdue post….)  Our children enjoy knowing that one of their parents is always available to them, something that many people will say is a luxury.   A family member who once told me that every generation is responsible to make sure the next has it better materially than them clearly would say we’ve failed in our basic parental responsibilities.  Most others have looked at them and commented that they are happy and well adjusted – and told us to have more, that the world needs more children like ours!  For us, we take it one child at a time, being mindful of our emotional and physical ability to meet what we consider to be the crucial needs of each of the children we already have.

This is a topic that is now being discussed in wider circles, as the mother of the octoplets gains fame.  I don’t support choosing to have a child when there isn’t a stable family structure in place, as I see that as purposely denying a child what should be a basic right.  But it seems that very few people are bothered by this, and that the real concern is financial.

Most people would probably agree that having more children when you can’t take care of those you have already have is neglectful and not something to be supportive of.  The question is, how do you define taking care of your children, and where do you personally draw the line?

Avivah