Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • He’s three today!

    Today my little cutie turned three years old!  He’s been anticipating his birthday very eagerly for a long time – seeing everyone else celebrating birthdays keeps the birthday concept fresh in his mind.  And because this is turning three, we’ve been talking with him about how special that age is, getting to wear a yarmulke, tzitzis, and do lots of mitzvos. 

    After breakfast we took everyone to the duck pond for his birthday trip.  It was a multi purpose trip – it served as a venue to get rid of the last of our chometz, as well as a very nice outing with all of the kids!  We planned to use the leftover challah for the ducks, and took along some pretzels and bow tie cookies for the kids to snack on after feeding the ducks.  But they had so much fun feeding the ducks the bread, that they wanted to continue and gave them all of their snacks, too!  I didn’t mind that one bit!  On the way there, I bought ice cream sandwiches for ds3 to give out to the others in honor of his birthday, so they did have a birthday snack that they all enjoyed.

    While we were there, my kids noticed a mother goose on top of her nest – they were walking by when she started hissing at them, then got up off of it and covered it (so they wouldn’t see the egg, I guess).  They ran to me and told me they wanted to do the mitzva of shiluach haken (sending away the mother bird), but I told them that if they took a big stick and chased the goose away and there was someone watching who didn’t know what they were doing, it would be a huge chillul H-shem (desecration of G-d’s name) and so they couldn’t chance that.  Anyway, I said, there’s no mitzva to do it if you’re not going to eat the egg.  And they promptly corrected me and told me that my dh learned this mitzva with them recently, and explained to me why (very beautiful concept but not going to go into it here).  I told them if they could do it without it looking like they were chasing the bird, it was fine. 

    One child led the father duck away, then the mother followed, and ds15 lifted the egg from the nest.  Then ds14 told him he didn’t fulfill the mitzva because he didn’t lift it high enough, so he went back and lifted it again, higher this time.  The mother and father goose, during this time, were blissfully swimming in the pond, clearly thinking they had faked out the kids by covering the egg.  Though we’re not sure that they did the mitzva properly because they didn’t actually shoo the mother away, but kind of waited for her to lose her sense of being threatened and then led her away, they still all feel good about the opportunity.

    When dh came home from work, we all took turns snipping the birthday boy’s hair, and then dh and ds15 finished the job.  While we were cutting his hair, I had a sudden tug of sadness.  It’s one of those unexpected moments of poignancy that hits out of the blue, as you suddenly feel a sense of time moving on, of having completed one stage and moving on to another.  Dh felt it, too.  As far as the haircut itself, they did a great job on his haircut – he looks really adorable! 

    Afterwards we had a special dinner with a Pesach chocolate chip cake and macaroons.  Then we headed to my inlaws for them to admire his new look, and lastly, dh took him to our rav for a brocha.

    I’m glad that we were able to have a relaxed day like this to ‘celebrate’, albeit in our low keyed way.  If I was in the middle of Pesach preparations, I don’t think I could have as easily spent a day not doing anything in the house at all.  So I’m really glad we got everything basically out of the way – now, on to the cooking!

    Avivah

  • Visiting pediatric ward

    Today I went with my three girls to the pediatrics ward of a local hospital. Both of the older girls did service projects at their bas mitzvas, and together with their friends made items for the hospitalized children.  It’s a little embarrassing that it’s been over six months since the most recent bas mitzva, and 20 months from the one before that, and we’re only getting around to this now!  But the girls kept the things in their room, so I rarely saw them and so actually taking them to donate totally fell off of my radar. 

    I finally made an appointment to go last week, and very uncharacteristically forgot all about it. I was more than a little embarrassed, but made another appointment for today.  I was thinking after our visit today how obviously we were meant to be there on this specific day and for these particular children.  It was really a good experience for everyone.  The girls were able to personally distribute all of the fleece blankets they had made, as well as some of the washcloth bunnies.  They were surprised by how appreciative and happy all of the children, from ages 6 – 19 were about them – they weren’t expecting so much enthusiasm. 

    While we were there, a grandmother of one of the patients who received a blanket came over to thank us with a lot of emotion, telling us that we can’t imagine how much this means to her granddaughter and to her.  A little later, the mother saw us, and also very emotionally told us that last night was her daughter’s first night in the hospital (she had just been diagnosed with diabetes), and at night she was crying and crying because she left her ‘blanky’ at home and couldn’t sleep without it.  She said that we can’t imagine how happy the blanket made her daughter – we let each child choose the one they wanted, and it ‘happened’ to be that one of those we made was her favorite color and had her favorite animal – a monkey – on it.  And the girl told her mother that she wants to go back to her room (we met her in the playroom) to make her bed, and now she’ll be able to sleep tonight with her new blanky.   Her mother and grandmother were just so grateful.

    The youngest child we gave a fleece blanket to was a 7 year old who has sickle cell anemia and was there for pneumonia.  That mother also thanked us again and again and told us how nice it was for her daughter that we came by, and was so touched at the idea that our girls made these things with the intent to give them away. 

    As a mother, I felt so much empathy for the mothers sitting next to their children, obviously trying to keep a strong face for their sick children.  I spoke with both mothers that I saw, and as soon as I reached out to them, they reached out to hug me, too.  You could just tell that they were so glad to be able to get even a tiny bit of emotional support. 

    As a parent, I think it’s important for our children to have the experience of reaching out to others in various ways, and going somewhere like a hospital and seeing sick children really helps a child appreciate the gift of good health and being able to be in your home with your family.  We spoke with all of the children a bit and even though it was initially a little awkward for my girls, just because it was the first time they did this, they were all really glad they went.  They felt so good about it that they said we should do it again! 

    Avivah

  • When to stop having children?

    Last week, I had an interesting conversation with my older kids (we have lots of interesting conversations, actually!), ages 10, 12.5, 14, and 15.5.  I always have thoughts on something percolating in my brain, so these conversations get started when I share my thoughts or ask them for their opinions.  In this case, I asked them if they thought people should continue having children if the parents were unable to pay full tuition for the children they already had.   Since we homeschool, tuition isn’t an issue I have to deal with, and this was a non-personal starting point for a conversation about the value of having children and the choices we make in providing for them.

    This isn’t something we’ve ever discussed before, and my kids really wanted to hear my take on it.  But I want my kids to learn to think things through for themselves, not to just adopt whatever I say as the right position, so they each had their say before I made any comments.  One child surprised me by saying no, people shouldn’t have any more kids if they can’t pay full tuition, and when I asked her why, she said that they would have so much financial pressure that they wouldn’t be happy to have more children.  And if they weren’t happy, they shouldn’t have more children.  So their happiness was the defining value, not the tuition.  The others argued that school is only one way to educate a child, and isn’t a necessity, educating your children is what parents are responsible to take care of.  So they said if people wanted to have more children, they should look for other ways to educate their children that would meet everyone’s needs, and that tuition alone wasn’t a good yardstick to use to make that decision.

    I then asked what if someone couldn’t afford full tuition for more than one child, should they stop having children at that point?  What if they could afford full tuition, but couldn’t afford for the mother to stay at home with the children when they were young?  What about if the children had to share bedrooms, couldn’t afford sleep away (or even day camp), had to have very simple food, couldn’t afford extra curricular activities, wouldn’t have weddings/college tuitions fully funded by parents?  What about if they had to drive old cars, live in a tiny house in not so great neighborhood, buy used clothes, and never had vacations?  What if they could afford full tuition, overseas vacations, and an otherwise high material standard, but the kids came home to an empty house every day, or spent more time with a nanny or housekeeper than their parents?

    To me, these questions have to be asked to get to the heart of the issue.  We have to ask ourselves these questions to define what our foremost values are, to determine what is worthwhile to spend money on, and where children fit into that picture.  What are the necessities in raising children?  This is so individual, yet there are so many judgements of those who make different choices than we do.  But because the core values behind the decisions are so widely varying, it’s not likely there’s going to be a consensus from the different sides.

    Fortunately, everyone doesn’t have to agree with the choices we make.  It does matter if we’ve taken the time to think about the choices we make. As you know, we so far have eight children (soon to be nine).  Having each and every one of our children is a value for us.  It’s a conscious value, meaning that we don’t go on  having kids because we don’t know how to prevent it, or because we feel social pressure (none of that actually – few of our peers have large families), or because we feel it’s a religious obligation.  It’s because we have so much joy in raising children, in putting our time and efforts into growing people who are making the world a better place and who bring so much light into our lives and the lives of one another, that the material ‘sacrifices’ some might see us as having made pale in comparison.

    Having a larger family means our kids share rooms.  We have a modest house in a working class neighborhood.  We drive an eight year old van that comfortably seats us all, go on yearly camping vacations, and don’t consider summer camp a necessity for anyone (though a number of the kids have gone).  Our extra curricular activities are limited, though the kids have been fortunate to have music lessons and sports when desired, and though we do get to have some nice day trips and outings.  We see paid work for teens as a positive value, and encourage good financial management from a young age (all of them from the age of six and up have their own savings accounts).  There is no college fund for any of them – we expect our kids to find ways to fund college, if that’s the route they take (though we’ll pay for any college expenses while they are still in high school, if they choose to do dual enrollment), and have told them that when they get married, it means that they’re taking on adult responsibilities, including paying their own way and providing for themselves.  We are very supportive of teaching our children skills that will help them as they enter adult life, but not very supportive of giving children money just because they want something.

    We see learning to get along with others in your family as a very positive value.  Learning to think about others and look out for younger siblings is a positive value to us.  Learning to delay gratification, share, and make choices because you can’t have it all builds inner character, in our minds.  So are we depriving our children? Should we have stopped long ago so that the older children could have more materially as they are growing up?  We don’t think so.

    On the flip side, we’ve been told how lucky we are that we can afford to have one parent at home full time.  (‘Lucky’ is the subject of another long overdue post….)  Our children enjoy knowing that one of their parents is always available to them, something that many people will say is a luxury.   A family member who once told me that every generation is responsible to make sure the next has it better materially than them clearly would say we’ve failed in our basic parental responsibilities.  Most others have looked at them and commented that they are happy and well adjusted – and told us to have more, that the world needs more children like ours!  For us, we take it one child at a time, being mindful of our emotional and physical ability to meet what we consider to be the crucial needs of each of the children we already have.

    This is a topic that is now being discussed in wider circles, as the mother of the octoplets gains fame.  I don’t support choosing to have a child when there isn’t a stable family structure in place, as I see that as purposely denying a child what should be a basic right.  But it seems that very few people are bothered by this, and that the real concern is financial.

    Most people would probably agree that having more children when you can’t take care of those you have already have is neglectful and not something to be supportive of.  The question is, how do you define taking care of your children, and where do you personally draw the line?

    Avivah

  • Winter vacation ideas

    It seems to have become expected for many families to take a vacation during winter break, and that vacation increasingly has come to mean going away.  I don’t begrudge any hardworking parents or kids for wanting to relax when they finally have some time off as a family, but I have to wonder about the focus placed on getting away.   After all, how much time do most families get to spend at home during the course of the year?  And by that I don’t mean seeing each other in transit, grabbing quick meals and in between rushing from one activity to another.  I mean, how much time do they actually get to spend relaxing together and sharing good times at home?

    When we bought our house, I joked with my family that if the actual hours our house was use was figured in, and tallied with how many people it was used by, it would be hard to find a cheaper house than ours!  We’re very blessed to be able to spend many hours a day together, and I know that we’re unusually lucky in that and don’t take it for granted.  I realize that most people don’t have a schedule like ours.  Which is what makes me think, isn’t winter vacation a good opportunity to spend some time at home together?  It would reduce money stress (too many people are spending money they don’t have for vacations) while giving families a time to reconnect, and isn’t vacation supposed to be about relaxing and connecting with those you love? 

    Maybe staying home – having a ‘staycation’ – isn’t viewed as much of an option because it seems so humdrum.  But being home doesn’t mean doing nothing!  There are so many places to explore in every city, most of which you’ve probably never been to.  When I lived in Seattle, I never visited the Space Needle, even though I lived only a few minutes drive away (and it was right next door to the science center that I regularly took the kids to!).  But every tourist who came to the city headed there right away! 

    To find out about some of your local possibilities, you can contact your chamber of commerce, or start asking friends and neighbors for ideas.  They should be able to give you a long list of options, many of which are low cost.  I’ve lived here for six years, taken the kids on a good number of trips, and still have many, many places that I’ve never gone to that are within a thirty minute drive.  Your attitude also makes a big difference – you shouldn’t oversell something because your kids will get suspicious, but be cheerful and have an attitude that you’re going to have a great time – my husband once commented that I’m good at selling my kids on my ideas.  I never thought of it as selling;  I just figured, if I’m positive about something and share with my kids why I think it will be fun, why shouldn’t they want to participate?  And they do.

    Remember, the outings don’t have to be mind-blowingly exciting.  I think that trips that are too impressive actually set our kids us to have unrealisticly high expectations for the future, and diminish their ability to enjoy simple outings.  (That’s one problem I have with Disneyland.)  And places you’ve been to before, like the zoo, aquarium, science center, etc, are fun to go to again – having been there before doesn’t preclude them from being good options.  You don’t need to schedule a day full of activities – even one outing a day is plenty, and will leave you with ample time to wake up late, move a little slower than usual, and make everyone feel there’s something fun to look forward to (this is the approach I take to planning summer days at home with everyone).  And if you choose a novel way to get there, even going somewhere old is a new experience – my husband wants to get day passes for the train and take the kids from place to place downtown one day, which would be fun (but when he broached the idea to me this summer, the reality of taking an infant and toddler along with their stroller and carrying the food and water we would all need for the day made me suggest we put it off for another point).

    Meals – make mealtimes special.  Make something different that you know your kids will love.  For lots of moms, there’s no time for anything more elaborate than a bowl of cold cereal and milk in the morning before school and work, which is fine – now’s your chance to shake things up a little with a bigger and nicer breakfast.  That might be pancakes and french toast, shakes, omelettes, muffins – there are loads of possibilities (some of the recipes here on my blog might be helpful).  Don’t think this means you need to spend your days in the kitchen during vacation – get your kids involved side by side with you.  Cooking and baking, especially treats, can be so much fun for kids! 

    Then there are the entertainment possibilities that you can do at home.  Maybe you can buy a new game (or pull out one that you’ve bought and never used), do some crafts, or plan a large scale family activity.  Would it be fun to make baskets?  But some kits.  Painting, clay modelling, sewing, quilting?  Start thinking and get your juices going.  Visit a local craft store for ideas.  Activities can be as simple as a big family jigsaw puzzle, or bigger, like painting a room or doing some home renovations.  Don’t say, ‘Well, that’s not fun.”  Remember what I said about attitude?  It’s the attitude combined with doing something with your child/ren that makes it fun.  We did a huge amount of work in our house with our kids (knocking down walls, putting up walls, adding a bathroom, replacing the kitchen, painting, etc), and it was a positive experience for everyone.  They learned so much and felt great about being able to do something meaningful and real.  Kids don’t expect to be entertained (unless you’ve gotten them used to expecting that, and you can get them unused to that, too!), but they do want to have something to do.  If you assume it’s drudgery, it’s virtually certain they’ll see it like that, too.  If you think it’s a great family activity, your enthusiasm can pull them in. 

    Think about what’s fun about going away.  Is it the hotel experience?  Maybe you can replicate that in your own house.  Room service, a printed schedule of events for the day, even putting some special mini soaps and lotions in the bathroom can add to the ambience.  Maybe you can plan a theme for your vacation at home.  I’ve shared here about our indoor campout – this meant we did some of the things inside that we would have done outside if we were camping – setting up a tent in the living room and all sleeping there for the night together, eating dinner by candle light (since our most recent Daddy Fun Day, my 2.5 year old asks every night if we can use the oil lamp at dinner – and probably 50% of the time now, we agree!), having foods that are typical camping foods for us (hot dogs, hamburgers, roasted marshmallows).  That’s an example of a theme.  You can get your kids involved in brainstorming if this is something that interests you – getting them involved also means they’ll be a lot more positive about whatever you do, since they’ve had a say in planning it.  Get a good book for an evening or afternoon read aloud, or check your library for a nice family video that you can enjoy together.  If it ties into your theme, all the better.

    It’s great for everyone to have time to sleep in, hang out, and relax.  But don’t rely on that alone to create a nice atmosphere.  Most kids who have been used to rigid school scheduling start getting antsy without knowing what’s coming in the day.  So making a plan and letting them know what the basic plan is, in my opinion, is very helpful in keeping everyone relaxed.  

    If you have ideas of things that have worked well for you, please share here for others so others can benefit!

    Avivah

  • Dealing with sibling rivalry

    >>Here is my question for you if you have time to answer it:  How do you handle sibling rivalry?  Your kids sound so amazing, like they always get along and are all best friends.  Do you ever have issues with fighting?<<

    For some reason, it seems alot of people assume this about my kids, but I don’t know why – I’ve even had people tell me that they don’t look as if they ever fight, that they’re ‘such angels I can’t imagine it’.  LOL.  Kids are kids, and though the kids do get along well for the majority of the time and I love it that they are good friends, it’s inevitable that there are going to sometimes be personality conflicts and disagreements. 

     We’ve been able to keep this pretty mild for the most part, and I think that keeping this particular aspect of child raising under control is a huge part of why I enjoy having a big family and would love more kids.  Dealing with constant sibling squabbles is draining and wears you down emotionally, and having more kids only exacerbates whatever the current situation is by adding more voices to the fray.  If more kids meant more screaming, fighting, and constant stress, I don’t think I’d so positively anticipate (or even want!) each new arrival.

    I don’t have a perfect answer to this because I still have my moments of irritation and so do the kids, but I’ll share what we do (and maybe that’s enough, to know that you can get good results without being perfect!).  First of all, I definitely encourage my kids to be friends.  I stress relationships within the family and minimize relationships outside of the family that would compete (that’s another huge topic).  It’s generally harder to be friends with your siblings than with people outside of the family, because you don’t get to choose them.  So they need time daily to learn to get along with one another; if they spend most of each day in some kind of school setting, followed by playdates, they won’t have the opportunities to get past being constantly annoyed with or provoked by their siblings.  But just being around each other all the time isn’t going to automatically make them friends.

    Regarding dealing with rivalry itself:  From the time they’re born, I assume that they love each other and want to get along, and respond to anything that some people would call ‘rivalry’ or jealousy with an attitude that it’s not intended as such.  And it’s not a big deal.  It’s too easy to start looking for signs that a young child feels threatened, jealous, hateful, etc of a new baby or younger sibling, and to focus on that causes it to escalate.  When I hear mothers verbalize the negative feelings they think they very young child is feeling (‘oh, you’re jealous of little Mikey because Mommy holds him all the time’), I cringe because I think it’s building up the negative way of looking at it.  We don’t need to make our kids’ negativity bigger than it is, and we can reframe it for them in a positive way.  (I’d rather say something like, ‘Aren’t you lucky that you’re so big and we can do this together; little Mikey is too tiny to have this special fun with us.’)

    As they get older, when they disagree I step in to moderate the situation and guide them to appropriately resolving it, using words and not hitting.  Sometimes this has meant very long sessions of having kids sit down and really listen to one another (when they’re older) and phrase what they want to say respectfully and appropriately, which can sometimes take a lot of time when they’re feeling hostile.  If one person wrongs another, I usually insist that an apology is made (I don’t accept a sullen ‘sorry’), followed by an act to show they’re sorry.  I think action is important in creating an impression on the brain, and training a child how to handle these situations.  When they’re little, like with my toddler, there’s very little discussion – I’ll say something like ‘we don’t hit, we don’t say things like that’ and tell him to go and hug the person (which honestly isn’t always wanted but is something the other child has to tolerate for the sake of the 2 yo learning proper behavior).  When they’re in the 6 – 10 year old range, they generally have to play a game with each other or do something else together.   With the oldest kids, it’s mostly verbal disagreement and resolution.  

    As far as fighting goes, I decided to have a low tolerance level for it.  In general, my approach is to respond quickly to provocative situations before they escalate.  I don’t like being a referee, and I don’t think there’s much to gain from trying to reason with kids that are already emotionally stressed out.  They just can’t hear you at that point.  And whatever you do, someone ends up feeling victimized.   So it’s really important to step in early.  I don’t believe in letting kids ‘work it out’.  If they haven’t been taught the tools to work it out, that generally results in whoever is stronger or more powerful winning. 

    But that doesn’t mean that I’m constantly getting involved in every little thing.  As they get older, they become more and more able to resolve their issues appropriately without my intervention or assistance.   I’d step in immediately for children under 6 or 7.  For kids a little older, I’d be aware and listening actively to what was going on, but not necessarily saying anything unless it was necessary.  Once they’re about 11 or 12, I’ve seen from experience which kids are challenged in what ways, and trust them to resolve most things on their own unless I know it’s a situation they are still finding frustrating.  In that case, I listen and step in when I think it’s helpful (ie, when I see that their communication with one another is becoming negative or unproductive).   

    I hope this is helpful.  I’ve written in generalities, so feel free to ask something more specific if I haven’t addressed your particular concern. 

    Avivah

  • How to find good books for read alouds

    >>I need more read aloud ideas.  Where do you go for titles?<<

    I find books that are collections of reviews of good books useful – the two that come to mind most immediately are Jim Trelease’s Read Aloud Handbook, and Honey for a Child’s Heart, by Gladys Hunt.  I don’t own either of them, though, so every couple of years I check one out and get some new ideas.  I also own a book called Books Children Love, by S. Wilson, which is also good.  Honey for a Child’s Heart was especially valuable in choosing good quality books for my younger kids. There are a lot of kids books out there that just aren’t so good, and it’s annoying to read them repeatedly when you can hardly stand to read it the first time!

    I also look at online book recommendations, at the Sonlight catalog, the Robinson book recommendations, and the Newberry Honor and Newberry Medal lists.  The classics can be good, too, though you have to be careful that they’re age appropriate.  Because the language of the classics tends to be written in a literary style that is unfamiliar, kids can easily get turned off if introduced to them too soon.  I try to look for books that are engaging, well written, and fun to listen to together.

    I’ve thought that it would be fun to make a list of all the books we’ve read aloud over the years to share with you (just chapter books, not picture books), but the idea overwhelms me and I don’t know how I could possibly remember all of them!

    Avivah

  • Making time for yourself

    >>“If you’re home with your kids all day, every day, how do you have time for yourself?”<<

    First of all, I have to say that I truly enjoy spending time with my kids – they’re great company! Enjoying your kids is critical, but you need to learn how to carve out time for yourself and your needs, so that you don’t get burnt out. You must recognize your own needs as valid and find ways to meet them.

    Homeschooling doesn’t mean being on active duty all day long. There are lulls and quiet periods. There is early morning or later in the evening time, and if you have a husband who can make himself available, then he can be home while you get out.

    How you meet your needs depends on what you enjoy. I didn’t have money for a babysitter when my kids were all little, I didn’t have a husband who had a schedule that made it possible to watch the kids, I didn’t have any friends or family members who could give me a break, but I still found ways to have time for myself. It can be something as simple as some quiet time to read a book, take a relaxing bath, call a friend, or have a cup of tea. The key is to take the time and take it regularly.

    Here’s something I did when I had six kids ages 9 and under, and had all the limitations I just shared with you. I found that a short break in the middle of the day kept me going and I didn’t get worn down. I instituted a daily rest time for every child. I would put the infant and toddler in for a nap, then everyone else had to stay in their beds for an hour. They didn’t have to fall asleep, but they had to stay there quietly. They could read, quietly play a game or do a puzzle (they chose it before rest time), but there was no talking or getting out of bed allowed until rest time was over. This gave me regular daily time to know I would have for myself without having lots of little people around. I don’t remember how long I kept that up – but it was a huge help, and something I would do even now if I felt I needed it.

    Be very careful that you don’t end up using your free time to clean up. I do sometimes stay up in the evenings when the kids are asleep and do some straightening up, but not for long.  I would resent spending my precious quiet time cleaning up the messes of the day. No matter how much you love your kids and spending time with them, you need to have some space for yourself or you’ll end up claustophobic and wanting to put them in school so you get a break.

    Don’t give that quiet time up for something that can be done in the daytime when the kids are awake, with them. It’s that space that makes us able to give all day long, and enjoy it. Lose the space, and you lose the enjoyment.

    Avivah

  • Daddy fun day

    My husband usually works on Sunday, and this week took a rare day off for no reason but to spend time together as a family.  I didn’t have enough advance notice to plan any nice Sunday outings, which I was disappointed I couldn’t do.  But last night, my 12 and almost 10 year olds sat down with my dh and together they planned the schedule for today.  Since it’s my husband’s day off, it seemed appropriate for him to decide how he wanted to spend it, since the rest of us get to make this choice every day.

    They started off with davening, learning, and breakfast.  They decided they’d like to include saying a chapter of tehillim (Psalms) at each meal for the soldiers in Israel, so one child said it several words at a time, and everyone repeated after them.  They also are doing some additional learning for the soldiers at each meal, as a war needs spiritual as well as physical support.  Then the kids said they wanted to make the house spotless so they’d feel relaxed!  That was just fine with me!  Then, they planned to watch a video from the library.  We usually watch a family video about once a month, but usually do it when my husband isn’t home.  Because he has so little time with everyone, he doesn’t like to spend it watching a video, so today was unusual in that he had the time to relax with everyone and was willing to use some of his time for a video with the kids.

    After that they scheduled a break, and three kids took a fifteen minute jog with him.  They then planned to have lunch, and decided they wanted to have fruit, nuts, and popcorn for lunch.  And then another video in the afternoon, while they ate lunch.  (I never allowed anyone to eat in that area of the house before, but my dh didn’t realize that – I wouldn’t have allowed it if it was up to me, but I wasn’t going to rain on their parade after their plans were made, either.)  I didn’t really want to watch two videos in a day and would have preferred to take everyone to an art museum that has special activities on Sundays for kids (which I can never do since dh takes our only vehicle to work), but this was the schedule they made and they were all happy with it.  🙂 

    Then a special ‘camping out’ dinner and nighttime together – this included a camping menu of hot dogs and hamburgers with buns for dinner, something we don’t usually eat except for when we go camping.  We ate dinner by the light of an oil lamp, and then for dessert the kids roasted marshmallows over the gas flame of the stove.  About three years ago, we had a indoor camp out with the kids that they loved, and we set up our eight person tent inside the living room for everyone to sleep in that night.  They wanted to partially recreate that tonight.  We felt the tent would be a too tight to comfortably fit in where we’re living now, so instead everyone is camping out on the living room floor together – a few of the kids brought their mattresses down, and now the floor is solidly covered with bodies.  🙂

    After dinner I went out, and they planned another activity together.  The kids still aren’t asleep, and it’s after 10:30, so it’s fair to say that they didn’t wind down as they usually did!  But they all had a lot of fun.  All in all, it was a relaxing day for everyone to spend together, and everyone enjoyed having their daddy home all day with them! 

    My  husband said that something he’s very aware of is enjoying our children right now, at the stage they’re at.  Too many fathers get caught up in the busyness of making a living, and it’s not until they have grandchildren that they enjoy the fun of young children.  Childhood is so short, and you’re building relationships and making memories all the time, so make them good ones!

    Avivah

  • Reading out loud to kids

    I so much enjoy reading to my kids.  There’s a wonderful feeling of connection and closeness, it’s an effective way to learn things together in a natural and fun way, and it’s something you can do with kids of all ages!

    Here’s what my reading schedule for the day is like:

    In the mid morning, when my older kids are busy with their academic work, I read a couple of books that my 2.5 year old chooses with him. Then my 6 yo comes along and I read a book, or a chapter of a book, also of his choice, to him (we just finished a Thornton Burgess chapter book).  This isn’t intended to be academic; it’s just a nice way to spend some time with them. 

    A little later, my 8 and 9 year olds finish what they’re working on, and I read to them from a chapter book.  We started the Little House on the Prairie series in the summer, and are halfway through.  We generally read a couple of chapters each day, but it depends on the length of the chapters and how much time I have.  Yesterday we finished the fourth book, and we have five books to go.  Sometimes the morning gets busy and there’s not time for our reading before lunch, so we do it after lunch.  Sometimes we skip a day, but not usually.  They look forward to this so much, and my 6 year old also joins our snuggling on the couch for this.  I read this series aloud about seven years ago when my oldest three were all about this age, and I’m enjoying reading it together with my middle three.  (I do this reading when the baby is sleeping, but the toddler usually is awake, often sitting on my lap for it.)

    Then after dinner, we have our family read aloud.  This is something I’ve done for years (last year we had a break because my ds15 was in school and wasn’t home in time, so we were more sporadic to accomodate him and didn’t read as regularly as we usually have), and I’ve found it very valuable.  The hardest part of this is finding a book that will interest everyone, since the 6 yo should be able to understand it, but the 15 year old doesn’t want to listen to a little kids book.  We read The Hobbit last year, which was an excellent book, but my then 5 year old didn’t know what was happening at all (at that point I wasn’t trying to find something suitable for him – he had a nighttime read aloud right before this one geared towards him), and my oldest didn’t care for fantasy (I didn’t know that until after we were reading it, or I would have looked for something else) and had a hard time following all the details.  I’m so grateful to have found our current choice – my kids all agree it’s a real winner.  If I’m feeling tired or not in the mood to read that night, their eagerness motivates me to sit down anyway.  Then when I finish, they all beg me to read more.  I’m particularly glad to have found a book that my oldest son enjoys; his tastes are more specific than the others. 

    The book we’re reading is called Watership Down.  Apparently it’s commonly read in high school English courses, and most of the negative reviews I saw on Amazon were from high school students who were forced to read it and were bored by it.  I try to choose books that are good quality literature, with complex sentence structure, good use of grammar, and ideas to think about.  But I also want books that are fun and engaging, not something the kids are listening to but bewildered half the time as to the meaning.  This book fits all my criteria, though when I saw the book and leafed through it, there wasn’t anything to encourage me.  The cover is beyond boring looking, and the story didn’t initially grab me.  I was concerned the kids wouldn’t have the patience to wait for the story to pick up, but surprisingly, they were engaged by the first night.  My husband was also surprised, since his initial reaction was similar to mine.  But there’s a quality to the story I can’t describe that really got the kids hooked.

    I didn’t see this on any recommended lists of books, but someone on a discussion board somewhere mentioned reading it aloud to her kids (they went to school so she read to them when they got home).  Each day friends would come to play, but they told their friends they didn’t want to play because they were listening to this great story.  And the friends would join them.  By the time they finished the book, there were about twenty kids listening in!  So that seemed to me to be a pretty good recommendation, and after I researched it for the literary quality, I was ready to give it a shot.

    The only problem with this book is that it will end.  We’re about 240 pages in, and I guess we have over 150 pages left, but every night I wonder what book I’ll find next that will work so well for everyone!  I usually start researching the next book while we’re reading the current one, so that I have it checked out of the library in time to begin as soon as the last book ends.  I need to start looking for books soon, and if you have any recommendations, please share them with me!

    Another nice plus of reading before bed is that it makes the bedtime transition very smooth.  The kids naturally quiet down from the busyness of the day, and once we finish reading, the youngest three or four troop up to bed without any complaints.  I credit our family read aloud habit for our smooth and easy bedtimes over the years! 

    There are lots of other benefits, and books have been written about those benefits.  But some of the benefits, in addition to those I shared above – it’s great for vocabulary development, greatly improves listening and comprehension skills, and helps children develop their imaginations.  And it’s so fun!

    Avivah

  • Developing belief in yourself

    I often speak to/correspond with parents who are considering homeschooling, and I’ve found that the main thing that they express are their worries about doing something so different from the mainstream.  There are worries about short term academic achievement, social skill development, emotional development.  Practical worries, like how to get their kids to listen to them, how to juggle all the demands of homeschooling and running a home, which curriculum to buy and at what point.  And then there are the long term worries, about how they’ll transition to school at a later date, get married, function in society, or have long term scars as a result of the choice their parents made to homeschool.  (There are lots more specifics, but you get the idea!)

    It’s interesting that very few parents agonize over these questions before sending their child to school, or even consider them at all.  By virtue of everyone else doing it, there’s a certain comfort and assurance that it’s going to all work out just fine.  But these are questions inherent to the process of raising your children, regardless of what venue you choose. Every parent needs to think about their child’s emotional, social, and academic needs, and assess if they are best served in the environment they’re choosing to place them in.  Educating your child in whatever manner should involve thought and consideration.

    I was thinking tonight that it would be nice if there was a magic pill to give these parents, to help them put their concerns into perspective – I often feel that they’re hoping talking to me will be the magic pill.  I’ve regularly been asked how I had the confidence to homeschool my kids, how I dealt with that nagging doubt that is constantly at the back of a parent’s mind whenever they make a choice that differs from the mainstream.  When I think of my own experience, it reminds me once again that there is no magic pill, and that a magic pill would only keep us from developing confidence in ourselves.  Confidence is built on a foundation of grappling with our fears and doubts and resolving them. 

    As for me, I really believed in the principles of educating one’s children as individuals, according to their needs and internal timelines.  Whenever I would worry that someone wasn’t progressing fast enough, or I wasn’t doing enough, I’d go back to my core principles and think about them.  This meant a lot of thinking over the years!  But it was through this process of thinking and thinking and thinking (and talking to my husband about it), constantly evaluating my experience along with the feedback of others, that my belief in what I was doing for my family was constantly strengthened.

    And I think that’s what every parent benefits from – not just talking to someone who seems to have it all together, who’s worked out their issues in this area and is happy with their results. That can be helpful, but true strength isn’t borrowed from others.  That inner confidence can only come from deep inside you.  And as I told someone tonight, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.  You have to believe in your principles even before you get the results, but increasingly with time, your results will begin to show up for you.  Once you start to see those positive results, that will continue to give support to all that you’re doing.  The longer you stick with your principles, the better your results will be and the more you have to reassure yourself with. 

    It’s like gardening – you plant the seed in good soil, water and fertilize it regularly, and you have to trust that something is happening and it will bloom when it’s meant to.  You can’t be constantly digging up the seed to see what’s happening to it.  Just because you don’t see growth doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  Growth in our children (as well as ourselves) is organic, and takes time.  We have to learn to trust the process, and trust is something that we’re lacking nowadays.  We grow up trusting the authorities, the professionals, those with letters after their names, but to believe in ourselves?  It’s something we need to learn to do.  And it takes time.  But it’s so worthwhile!

    Avivah