Category: Parenting

Remember I said last night I gave my oldest daughter a haircut?  Well, my son took the ‘after’ picture of her and showed it to me.  And I was taken aback by how much she looks like me.  I mean, I know she looks like me, but I didn’t realize how much she looks like me.  I never noticed it or thought much about it.  But now that her hairstyle is much more similar to mine, it’s really, really obvious. 

So this morning, the 11 year old was holding the baby, and he started to whimper when his 13 year old sis went by.  Usually he only cries when he sees me go by (it must make him realize that I’m not holding him :)).  They thought it was a coincidence – until the next time she walked by when he did the same thing.  And then they tried it again, and the same thing.  The baby thought she was me!  And he sees both of us every day, all day long.  That was a definite first for me, for one of my babies to mistake a siblings for me.  🙂 

And this week, I shared some of my clothes with her.  She’s five inches shorter than me and much thinner, but this was a fitted sweatshirt for me that was baggy on her – she loves it.   (So much that I told her to just keep it.)  And she loves the idea of borrowing my clothes. 🙂  They grow up soooo fast!

Avivah

Last year, my then almost 12 year old daughter got a haircut, donating over 10 inches of her hair to an organization that makes wigs for kids with cancer.  Since then, she’s encouraged her two younger sisters, who also have long hair, to do the same.  And today they finally did!

I usually cut my kids’ hair (saves time and money!), but I don’t know what to do regarding donating hair – they obviously don’t want mothers here and there sending them baggies in the mail with long ponytails in them!  So for this, they go to a professional stylist.   My mother in law offered to take the girls for hair cuts when they donate hair.  Though there are places that give free haircuts to kids who are donating hair, the salon she goes to isn’t one of them.  And since it’s something I think she really enjoys doing, I let her, though I would love to be there with them to watch them get it cut, after years of growing it out.

When my oldest daughter came home from her appointment last year, she was disappointed that the stylist just cut the hair, and didn’t do any extra styling.  After all, once you’re getting it cut, it’s nice to get something a little different!  Since I wasn’t there, I wasn’t able to help her out, but she was determined that her sisters would be able to have what they wanted.  So for the last week and a half, all three girls have been discussing new hairstyles.

I suggested they tell the stylist they wanted something different, and to ask her for ideas.  I also gave them some guidelines for what I thought were suit them.  When they walked in, my 11 year old daughter looked fabulous.  She donated 15 inches and still has hair to her shoulders, in a style that suits her beautifully.

But the seven year old?  I was horrified.  Really.  This little girl with gorgeous long hair came back with choppy bushy hair with long chunks hanging down each side of her face so fifty percent of her face was covered.  She looked like a neglected child who hadn’t brushed her hair in a week.  It is beyond me how a hair stylist could do something like that just because it’s the style.   I feel that part of a stylist’s job is to think about how a style will look on a given person, not just to cut hair.

When their little sister was on the far side of the room, my older two girls quietly asked me if there was any way I could fix it.  But there wasn’t enough left for me enough to work with, though it was nice that they thought I was capable of doing a better job than the stylist. 🙂

It was really hard for me not to cringe when I looked at her, but I didn’t want her to be aware of my ambivalence- she was so filled with the happiness of having donated her hair, showing me the certificate she received and running to show her brothers.  So after commenting with excitement about how different she looked (!!), I asked my oldest daughter to see if the front layers were long enough to pull off her face (since I was nursing the baby).   I was so grateful that they were.  And even more pleased to see that she looked quite adorable with some hair off her face in a clip.

Then my oldest daughter asked me to give her a haircut (since her hair wasn’t yet long enough to donate again, she’d just gone along to watch the others).  She wanted a style I’ve never done before (I usually stick to something pretty basic), something similar to the 11 year old.  After telling her I made no guarantees how it would look, I got started.

Just so you know, I don’t have any training in hair cutting.  I haven’t even read any books on the topic.   I’ve just done it for the kids since they were little, and I figure if they have enough confidence in me to be open to my experimenting, then I should trust myself.   I cut off five inches, layered both sides in the front, and then did a varying layering in the back, with the top layers slightly shorter than the bottom.  (As I did this, I told dd that it seemed backwards to me to cut hair like this, but there’s no accounting for what is stylish.)  I looked at the eleven year old’s hairstyle for a minute or two before I started to figure out a basic approach.

I’m glad to say that my 13 year old LOVES it!  It’s nice when you do something for your kids that is so appreciated.  It did take me longer than usual – it usually takes me about 10 minutes per child (boy or girl), and this took closer to 20.  I had to work a little more cautiously because I was figuring it as I went along.  Is it perfect? Probably not.  But I’ve already told you what the ‘professional’ did.  🙂

Avivah

Today is the last day of my 14 year old son’s six day school break.  It has been soooo nice to have him around all day again.  He just finished a game of Risk with his five year old brother that lasted several hours, because he kept letting his brother get more pieces to keep the game going.  It’s very sweet to see how his little brother idolizes him – he wants to sit next to him, walk with him, whatever – and it’s understandable, since my oldest is really nice to him and does lots of special things with him to make him feel good.

Today when I was out, someone told me about a speaker she heard yesterday.   He speaks across the country about drug abuse, and said that the amount of street drugs kids use pale in comparison to prescription drugs for kids, even young kids of 7, 8, 9.  These kids on prescription drugs are very often experiencing the drug highs common to street drugs, but all in legalized and parentally sanctioned manner. 

We’ve probably all heard how important parents are to keeping their kids off illegal drugs.  But what can be done about reducing the use of legal drugs?  Don’t kids really need them to function properly?  Apparently not as much as many would like to think.  The response of this expert was, “Parents need to be present for their kids.”  Meaning, parents need to be tuned into what is going on in their child’s heart and head so that kids aren’t left with too many tough emotions for them to handle on their own.  Why is it that something so obvious as a child’s deep need for his parents’ love and attention needs to be stated repeatedly by an expert to get parents to pay attention?  And even then it’s a tough sell?  Shouldn’t it be obvious that parents matter, that our kids need us in a deep and crucial way?  Guess not.

I’ll agree that sometimes meds are needed.  But definitely not in the huge majority of cases.  But it’s so much easier to deal with something superficially by giving the child a pill to pop than to figure out what’s going on that’s causing the problem.  And then taking the next stap and actually doing something to address the root of the problem.  But I know why most people won’t take that path – because it seems too hard.  But what seems hard and what actually end up most difficult are often very different things.

I’ve said it before, but it’s so important that I think it bears repeating – when you’re willing to do tough things in the short run, the long run will be much easier.  Yes, it’s hard to discipline your child appropriately when you’d rather let him do what he wants, or make time in your busy day to talk to a child who needs you when you’re so tired you’d rather just be left alone.  But the price down the road, of having kids who don’t need us, don’t want to be around us, and don’t care much about themselves or us is so, so, so much higher.  Catastrophically higher. 

So as the radio ads and billboards pronounce, “Parents – the anti drug.”  It couldn’t be truer.

Avivah

>>My situation is this- I yearn for adult conversation
sometimes! We just moved to an area where there are tons of
playgroups and Mom and Me activities and whatnot, but I’m not really
interested in shoving my son (21 months) into all of this. He’s so young, and I just don’t believe that he needs to be around so many other children all of the time. As it is, I meet with a new friend in a park on
Sunday mornings for an hour and a half or so – she has a 21 month old
girl. I really do it more for myself than for ds- as much as I
love being around him, sometimes an entire day will go by and I
realize that I haven’t spoken to a single adult! (Until my husband
comes home, that is) I feel like even the park can be too much for
him when it’s really crowded, as it was yesterday. He gets into
other people’s bags and toys and I hate saying “no!” to him all of
the time, even if it is as gentle as I can be, or if it’s actually
redirecting or whatever. He’s just so young, he doesn’t understand yet.

I hope I’m being cohesive. It’s not that I need or want a break from
my son, but at the same time, I would like some adult conversation
once in a while.<<

Yes, what you said made a lot of sense.  I’ve had the same dilemma myself at times, even now with older kids.  I really find that peer group interaction is mostly unhelpful but that’s the only time I get to see other moms!  So it’s a balance, weighing your needs and your child’s needs, and trying not to compromise either of you.  But sometimes there has to be a compromise, and then how do you decide what to do?

I’ll say for starters that I truly believe that ‘if momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy’.  I’ve seen too many mothers take this concept to an extreme and justify doing whatever they want regardless of the effect on their children because it makes them feel good and that’s what matters.  But that’s not what I mean.  It means that to be the best parent you can be, you have to be filling yourself up on an ongoing basis.  If you deplete yourself, physically, spiritually, or emotionally, you have that much less to give.  And when a mom ends up burnt out and worn out, she’s likely to be resentful and unpleasant to be around. 

So I think it’s good to preempt all that negativity and be honest and non- apologetic for having needs.  What your real needs and how you can meet them?  You’re around a very young child all day, and I think it’s really reasonable and understandable to want to touch base with another adult during the course of a day or week or whatever.  What if you went to the park for an hour each day – would that be enough for you to get out and chat with other moms?  When I had little kids, this really helped me. 

I understand the dynamics you’re describing of the situation that occurs when you do get out.  But let’s put it in perspective:  he has you all day long in an ideal environment.  When you do go out, doesn’t he enjoy himself, too?  Even with you needing to redirect him or stop him from some things?   

You have to do a cost/benefit analysis – does getting out however often justify the situations you have to deal with as a result of going out?  If it does, then do it, and don’t feel guilty for a second. Think how lucky your husband is to have a wife who’s not desperate to speak to him, and how lucky your child is to have a healthy role model for nurturing one’s self. 

One suggestion I have is to be very clear and firm about what you don’t want him to do, like go into other people’s bags.  He’s not too young to understand this (my son is the same age so I know it’s possible!).  Once he gets clear on the parameters, you’ll have to do less redirecting and can enjoy your time out more and so can he.  If you aren’t clear, then everytime you go out for the rest of your life (:)) you’re going to be telling him again and again what not to do.  Not fun for either of you.

Good luck! 

Avivah
 

I recently took my 11 yo dd to the doctor for a well child visit, necessary because I needed to have the doctor fill out paperwork for summer camp.  (Last year I decided at the very last minute to send the two oldest and it was very hectic – this year I’m getting everything done well in advance.)   Generally I only take the kids to the doctor if something is wrong, and even that is very infrequent. 

Things have changed a lot from when I was a kid and went to the doctor.  The doctor would ask me how I felt, look into my eyes and ears, listen to my heart, and take my pulse.  After being weighed and measured for height, that was it.  Now all of that is part of a well child visit, but there’s lots more.  Lots of questions for the child – it was like an interview.  If I had known to expect all of that, I would have told dd about it so it wouldn’t have caught her unaware.  She wasn’t expecting to sit there for so long, answering questions like – do you smoke?  Do you buckle your seatbelt?  Do you eat healthy foods?  What are healthy foods?  Do you listen to your mother?  What subjects do you learn?  What extracurricular activities are you involved in? Do you play with matches?  Do you play with water?  What would you do if a stranger approached you?  Do you have guns in your home?  And on, and on, and on.  These are all things that I’ve taught them about, so there wasn’t any information that I hadn’t discussed with them.  But I don’t think it’s a doctor’s place to ask all of these questions – it smacks of Big Brother and governmental intrusion to me. 

Obviously the board of pediatrics has determined that parents aren’t doing a good enough job of teaching their children about healthy living, so now it’s their job to do it.  As a parent, I resent this attitude.  If I want to know about gun safety, I’ll take my kids to the experts.  If I want to know about nutrition, I’ll go to those who have training.  I found it especially ironic that a doctor who knows much less than my daughter about nutrition was telling her what to eat.  I’m not minimizing doctors – our pediatrician is wonderful. But nutritional training for doctors is a very tiny part of their training, and most doctors aren’t paragons of health.  I’ve often found it ironic how many nurses and doctors are visibly unhealthy, but they continue to tell everyone else how to stay healthy.

And what is equally frustrating is that if you question the necessity of this protocol, it makes them suspicious that you are a neglectful parent.  After all, why should a responsible and caring parent mind if a doctor takes the time to ‘educate’ their child about important issues?  But it’s not education, it’s more like screening parents through the answers their children give.  It makes me wonder how often doctors feel the need to notify child protective services when the answers aren’t to their liking. 

Dd found it a waste of time, and so did I (I found it downright annoying and frustrating, since the doc and I got into a discussion about the supposed benefits of specific vaccines, a topic I try to avoid unless directly asked about it), but the paperwork is signed and that’s what we needed – a simple statement that she was healthy enough to participate in camp activities. 

Avivah

Recently, I was noticing that the baby has been fussy, and I felt it was directly tied to his pacifier use.  To share with you my position on pacifiers, here it is!  We use the pacifier from about 1 month until 5- 6 months, usually, when they begin solids.  Or at least three babies used them for about that long.  One used it for 12 weeks, another four months, and the longest was for 9 months.  The only one who didn’t have a pacifier was my oldest, because I was adamantly against them.  He ended up sucking his thumb for years.  Now you know why I changed my position on pacifiers for the next babies.  🙂

Anyway, back to the fussiness.  The reason for using a pacifier is to help a baby, but at a certain point, I’ve found it becomes self-defeating.  When a baby gets used to having it in their mouth so often that they cry when it’s not in, then in my opinion, it’s time to break the habit because they’re more unhappy than they should be, and so is the parent.  The pacifier isn’t helping much in that situation.  And because we have some people in the house, and particularly visitors, who feel a need to push the pacifier in every time the baby makes a sound, he’s gotten more used to it than I would have liked.  So last week I pulled the plug.  When we drop the pacifier, we go cold turkey, and since we do it at such a young age, it usually only takes three days until they’ve totally forgotten that they ever had it. 

So I resigned myself to three days of crankiness.  It was a pleasant surprise when he started sleeping longer in the daytime and nighttime (probably because he didn’t wake up when he realized the pacifier had fallen out :)).  And he got so much cuter!  Really – when he was happier, he was really happy.  You know those huge smiles and beaming faces that make you feel like he really knows who you are and loves you?  I just love it!  And when he wasn’t happy, we were able to pretty quickly figure out what was causing instead of pushing a plug in (for example, if he was tired, put him to sleep).  Not being able to use the pacifier forced us to be more in tune with what he really needed.

But – I have to be honest and say that this past week has been a tough one.  In the back of my mind I was kind of wondering why he wasn’t as happy as he was the first few days off the pacifier.  That is, until yesterday one of my kids looked at the baby and saw the tiniest bit of a tooth coming through his gum.  If you’ve had a teething baby, you know that they aren’t much fun.  Lots of crying, and there isn’t much that seems to help for long.  Around here, I’ve been doing lots of baby holding and not much else except for basically keeping my house functioning.  Which I shouldn’t minimize, because that’s a really big job that I don’t give myself enough appreciation for.  But that’s another topic….

Avivah