Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • A day of mourning

    Yesterday afternoon I received the horrible news that the 16 year old son of a friend was terribly injured in a car accident.  It was the kind of memory I’ll never forget; it’s etched in my mind’s eye like a videotape playing in slow motion, the moment that I heard that news. 

    The nurses said they couldn’t understand how someone with vital signs so low could stay alive.  He was unconscious from the time the accident occurred, but something deeper in him kept him holding on for a day and a half until his brothers and sisters could all be there to say goodbye.   He died at 1 am, right after they left the room, before they even reached the elevator.

    He was my 15 year old son’s first friend when we moved here 6 years ago, and for the first three years we were here, was his closest friend.  They grew apart when we moved to a different neighborhood, but they continued to have warm feelings towards one another.

    His older sister was our babysitter, very much beloved by all my kids.  His younger sister is a good friend of my 13 year old daughter (the boys introduced them).  His 8 year old brother is a good friend of my 9 year old.  And his mother is a friend of mine.  But it all started with their friendship.

    We’ve celebrated the births and bar/bas mitzvas of each other’s children, hosted each other for holiday meals, and today we were there as they buried their oldest son.  There were hundreds of people who came for the eulogies – this was a shocking communal tragedy (it wasn’t a simple accident) and many people who didn’t know them came to share their pain and pay their respects.  We (me and my 15 yo son and 13 yo daughter) continued on to the cemetary after the service.  It was a very difficult funeral.  Many of the people there were teenagers who were his peer group, and it was emotional and heartrending.  His closest friends were chosen to carry the coffin; a third of them were boys in my carpool.  I can’t tell you how painful it was to watch them placing him in the ground and to see their faces.

     About an hour after we returned from the cemetary, I went to their home to be with his mother.  We sat together for over an hour as we talked.  I have so very many thoughts on many aspects of this tragedy; I’m worn out and raw with emotion. But one thing that was striking to me how much comfort there is to a parent in the small things they did for their child.   The small things that showed how much they cared about him, supported him, and loved him.  For example, they bought him an electric guitar just a few weeks before that he was very excited about.  What a gift that was, that they know they expressed their love for him in a way that he really felt it.

    Hug your children, and make sure they always know how much you love them – even if they get older and go through things that make them harder to love.   

    Avivah

  • Do you have to lower your standards as your family grows?

    “Can you really continue to uphold your standards as your family grows? Or do you find yourself lowering your standards with each baby?”

    It’s an interesting question – I guess it depends how you define your standards. I think in lots of ways my standards and expectations have gone up as I have had more kids, in things that are really important. I’m a much better parent since I’ve gotten over a lot of ambivalence and uncertainty about how to deal with issues that come up and am a much more confident mom. I’ve been able to let go of less important things as I get better at focusing on what is really most important, not defining myself as a good mom because I can check off lots of things on a certain kind of parenting checklist.

    I spend a lot more time really being with my kids and enjoying them than I used to. I don’t use a sling much anymore, something that was very valuable particularly with baby no. 3, mostly because all my kids love holding the baby so much that someone’s arms are always available. I found that I was developing lots of back pain when the baby was in bed with me, and it’s worked out great for us both to have him in a bassinet/crib right next to my bed. I am not into the specifics of trying to practice things according to a particular method of parenting as much as the general approach of creating a nurturing, loving relationship with my children.

    It’s very possible to be a very diligent parent (for some, this would mean cloth diapers, family bed, extended nursing, for others it would be defined totally differently) and not really enjoy your kids, and there is something really wrong when that is the case. I think kids are better off in that case with a mom who loves being with them and shows it than with one who does all the things she thinks she is ‘supposed’ to but doesn’t enjoy her family.

    I’ve gone a little off track with the question, but to summarize, no, I haven’t lowered my standards. I’ve just adjusted my priorities to reflect what is really important! smile.gif

    Avivah

  • New chore chart

    It’s that time of year again, when I pull out some paper and a pen and start making up our schedules for the coming year.  You might think that entering our ninth year of homeschooling, that our schedule is all worked out and doesn’t change much.  But you’d be wrong. 🙂

    Every year I reevaluate.  This includes, what I feel is important for them to learn, what’s been been working for each child and what could use improvement, how to keep the house running as smoothly as possible with as little possible unnecessary stress on my part, etc.  I look at what’s working and put more of that in, look at what wasn’t as effective as I wanted and take that out.

    Today I finished the yearly chore schedule, set to begin in a few days, in August.  It is written out for through the end of July, and will go on the fridge tomorrow.  I won’t make another chore chart for a year.  What I did last year was break the jobs up into more frequent changes from child to child, because I was concerned that they might feel overwhelmed.  For example, one child would do the dishes for the day.  We do laundry three times a week, and each day, a different child would do that laundry.  We clean the bathrooms three times a week, and each time a different pair of children was responsible for one of the bathrooms, with all the bathrooms rotated so each team cleaned every bathroom once a week.

    Well, I’ve decided that this has required too much of my energy to monitor.  And it’s annoying when someone tells me that so and so didn’t wash all of their dishes and left it for them, and they shouldn’t have to do it.  Or something along those lines.

    So my new plan is this:  jobs will rotate monthly for most of the kids, twice a month for the 6 and 7 year olds.  I seriously considered making each job a year long commitment, but it seemed too long to me, and this feels like the right balance for this year.  I include only the chores that I think need to be regularly done to keep the house running smoothly, but there are jobs like nightly cleanups, which aren’t listed because we all do them together before dinner.

    – bathrooms (clean three – I clean mine) – one child will do this all month, three times a week

    – laundry (wash, hang outside, bring it in when it’s dry) – one child for the month, three times a week

    – dishes – this is a pretty intensive job because we eat three home cooked meals daily and don’t use disposable dishes, so I’m only making it a two week commitment, meaning two kids a month share this job

    So these four jobs are rotated between the oldest four (9.5, 12, 13, 15), scheduled so that each child has one job each month (this doesn’t include cleaning their rooms, which every child is supposed to do each morning).  Obviously some months will be easier for one than another, but that’s okay, since everyone will rotate evenly through all the jobs so they’ll each get their easier months.

    – sweep (living room and kitchen once a day, dining room after each meal) – this is for the 6 and 7 year olds – they will share this job, each doing it for two weeks.

    – clear table after meals – this job goes to the child doing the sweeping for the two week duration.  I saw last year that sometimes the person clearing the table swept the crumbs onto the floor and made more work for the person sweeping, so now one person will do both and we’ll eliminate that potential conflict.

    – Set table – this is a two week job that alternates between the 6 and 7 year olds on the weeks they aren’t doing the sweep/clear table combo.

    Part of assigning chores to kids is teaching them how to do the job right.  I don’t expect them to know how to do their jobs.  My 6 year old is really not good at sweeping.  I think he likes to act like he can’t do it so he won’t have to do it.  Guess what?  I tell him he’s going to learn to do it well because if he can’t do it well, it shows he needs lots of practice.  Said with love, of course.  🙂

    Teaching the jobs can be time intensive at first, but it’s crucial to spend the time upfront clarifying your expectations and showing them how to do it.  On Friday my 9 year old was baking bread, and I thought to myself that people who tell me how ‘lucky’ I am that my kids are so helpful and competent should have seen what my kitchen looked like.  It was a disaster, with flour covering the counters, floors, some of the dishes in the cabinets above, and my son.  Sometimes even I can hardly believe how big a mess a child who doesn’t yet know how to do something can make.  But it’s all part of the learning process, and if you aren’t willing to let them do a job badly, they’ll never learn to do it well.

    So that’s the new chore chart.  Don’t think my kids greeted my comments about the change in how we’ll be doing chores this year with shrieks of delight.  They didn’t, particularly the 7 and 9 year olds.  (The two older girls will be back from camp tomorrow so they don’t yet know the fun that awaits them.  :))  It takes a lot of thought to figure out a system that will be fair and effective, and I’m glad to have this done.  Now I can move on to finishing up their yearly academic schedules, which I’m in the middle of.

    Avivah

  • Allowances and teaching kids money management

    Some people feel that in order to teach children money management, they need to give them money in the form of allowance to manage.  I disagree.

    I think teaching kids money management skills are very important – but I don’t pay my kids for the chores around the house.  I feel very strongly that a family is a team, and a team works together to accomplish their goals.  One of my goals is a reasonably functional home, and I expect every child to do what he’s asked to do without any complaining or negativity.  I’ve never paid them any kind of allowance, and I doubt that I ever will.

    But how do my kids learn to manage money?  They earn it.  You might think that a six or seven year old can’t do much, which is true.  But then again, they don’t need very much!  And when you open your eyes, you’ll see small opportunities for them here and there.

    I’ve always supported my kids ideas initiative in making money.  When my 7 year old son wanted to sell muffins in front of our house to passerbys, I helped him buy the ingredients (which he reimbursed me for after his sale).  When he was 9 and wanted to rake yards, I loaned him the money for a rake and jumbo garbage bags.  When he was 11 and wanted to mow yards, I took him to buy a used mower and loaned him money again.  This has meant time and energy on my part, but I’ve considered it well spent because it empowers a child, instead of keeping him dependent on my wallet. 

    All of my kids started their own savings accounts when they were young.  They started it with cash that they received as gifts – kids savings accounts have very low initial balance requirements.  The first bank they started with required $25 (so they had to save their money for a while at home), but their current bank requires just $1 to get started.  When we went to the bank make deposit (sometimes just loose change), they counted their own money, and filled in their own deposit slips from the age of 6 or 7.  I would stand next to them at the teller window, but they would give their money to the teller and do the interaction.  The bank tellers always said how glad they were to see such young kids learning to be responsible – one told me he didn’t know how to fill out a deposit slip until he was 18!

    I’ve always encouraged them to save their money, telling them that if they save now, they’ll have it later when they have a bigger and more meaningful goal that will provide them with much more satisfaction.  I don’t define what a meaningful goal is – it’s their choice later on.  When one daughter was 11, she had an opportunity to go on a 3 day dog sledding trip.  It was $600, and we told her that if she was willing to pay for half of the cost, we would pay for the other half.  She excitedly agreed, and still feels that it was worth every penny spent.  It was a once in a lifetime experience that she’ll have special memories from for the rest of her life, that she was able to have because she consistently saved her money and it was there for something she really wanted, when she wanted it.

    Recently, someone gave us some toys (I posted about it) that weren’t suitable for us.  Some of those toys were somewhat haphazardly treated Barbies.  The 6, 7, and 9 year olds organized all the toys that we got, and then brushed the Barbies’ hair and dressed them.  After doing this, they looked quite nice, and I mentioned that we could offer them for sale on Craig’s List, and it would be a good deal for everyone all around – the buyer could get a bunch of dolls in good condition cheaply, my kids could make a little money on them, the original owners got them out of the way, and the landfills would be a little less crowded. 

    I posted for them, about 13 or 14 Barbies with accessories for $20, and after a week and a half, someone emailed about coming to see them.  At breakfast, I asked the kids how they felt it would be fair to give out the money for the Barbies.  They agreed that we should split it 4 ways – equal amounts for the three of them and me (that was their idea, not mine, because they said I did the work of posting it :)).  And that’s what we did.  Do you think they learned something about the value of money?  Do you think they learned to see value in things that others didn’t see?  You bet. 

    The next upcoming opportunity for them will be their entries in the state fair.  When you see the small dollar amounts of the premiums (prize money), you’d think that it could never add up to much, especially since you can’t win first place in everything.  But when you have a number of exhibits, it adds up.  My two older daughters each earned about $100 two years ago in the state fair, and about $50 from the county fair right before it.  I don’t think I’d encourage them to participate soley for the purpose of making money – the fun is in participating and seeing your exhibits displayed.  The prize money is a nice side bonus.  But once they have the money, I’ll again encourage them to put it in a savings account after giving ten percent to charity. 

    So true to my motto of empowering my kids, I’ve registered them for the fair at their request.  I’ll help them find recipes if they want help, buy them the ingredients for the baked goods (we’ll only enter the sections for baking, food preservation, and garden – in the past my girls did much more and it was a huge amount of organizing for me to get them in the right place at the right time for the various exhibit categories).  I’ll help them out in the kitchen with baking if they want, and we’ll have a nice time together doing it.  I’ll drive them to the fair, pick up their entry tags, help them affix them to their entries – but I will not give them money.  And they will have an opportunity to manage their own money.

    I could go into details to tell you how effective this approach has been, since with my older kids it’s very obvious.  They are light years ahead of their peers.  But I won’t.  I’ll just continue to stand by my way of doing things, of helping my children earn their own money and learning to manage it. 

    Avivah

  • Cloth diapering on a budget

    Did you know that disposable diapers will be going up in cost by 6 – 8% in the next month?  I found that out the day after I made a large order of cloth diapers about six weeks ago – it was satisfying to find out after I made the order. 

    I first tried cloth diapering about 6 years ago, from a position of wanting to save money.  I bought the Walmart kind of prefold diapers (not knowing that there are huge differences in the quality that affect how effective they are, and these are the worst).  And they were terrible.  I gave up after several months because my baby at that time always seemed to be wet.  I tried to cloth diaper my next child as a toddler, to make him aware of his wetting and motivate him to toilet train.  It didn’t help because he didn’t care.  Next child – I once again tried with with my toddler last year, after making my own flannel contours.  It was a good try, but my older kids hated changing cloth diapers and I gave up once again.

    So what happened between then and now?  About a year ago, I was in the thrift store and found about 20 brand new cloth fitted diapers, and since they were .45 each, I couldn’t not buy them.  🙂  (They would have been $15 if I bought them from the original source.)  Fitteds are one piece diapers that fasten like the typical disposable diapers, but don’t have a waterproof lining (you can put a waterproof cover on top or just leave it off).  I had never used anything like that, because I was doing the most affordable cloth diapering I could, and never even considered anything that pricey. 

    Even after buying the entire lot for the less than one brand new would have cost, I didn’t use them with right away for the baby when he was born.  I felt too busy with all the stuff that comes along with having a newborn, and the memories of all my unsuccessful cloth diapering attempts were fresh in my mind and outweighed my enthusiasm for it.  But after about 4 months, I remembered about them and pulled them out of the closet. 

    Wow, a change it was!  First of all, they were so convenient!  This made a major difference in a house like ours, where all the kids age 7 and down change diapers.  Using fitteds is just like using disposables, in terms of putting them on. No folding necessary.  So I used them on a regular basis, my main complaint being leaking, because I didn’t realize that a cover was necessary for them.  If I had known that, I would have saved myself some aggravation.  But all in all, it was a positive experience, and it’s no one’s fault but mine that I was ignorant.

    By the end of June, those diapers were getting too small for the baby.  I was enjoying finally successfully using cloth diapers, and didn’t want to go back to disposables.  So off I went to research the options.  Oh, my gosh, do you know how overwhelming the sheer amount of information on cloth diapering is??  There are so many choices, each with their own strengths and weaknesses, that my head was spinning.   I wanted something affordable, and I wanted something convenient.  And it didn’t seem that the two were possible. 

    But I persisted in my research, and finally hit pay dirt.  Or at least that’s what it felt like to me.  At clothdiaper.com, I found that they were selling fitteds at almost 50% of the cost of other diaper sites.  The reviews I read said that they were strong and wore like iron, something important to me since I want them to last once I’m buying them!  Not only were they much less expensive than anywhere else, there was a discount for buying 12 or more, and then a larger discount for buying 24 or more.  I decided to buy 24 of the size large, and they came to just $7 apiece.  That honestly was a bit of a splurge for me, but it’s been worth it.  Because they are adjustable thanks to the snap tape, I can use them for my 10 month old or two year old.  I really appreciate things like that which simplify my life.

    Then I bought 4 dozen Indian prefolds that were seconds, so they were much cheaper than the brand new price.  Prefolds are flat diapers that have to be folded inside a waterproof cover.  They were $12.96 a dozen instead of $24 a dozen new; this price included the $2 per dozen discount when buying over 4 dozen.  I figured it would be good to have more than just 24 diapers for two children, and also the price was so good that I felt I would kick myself if I didn’t buy them when they were available.  (Unfortunately, they’re out of stock now, but keep your eyes open on their site for when they have them come around again – I noticed a couple of nights ago that they now have a couple of other sizes selling as seconds that they didn’t have when I made my order.)  When the order arrived, I saw what made them seconds – almost all of them had small smudges of dirt, as if it had been dropped on the floor.  Since the diapers have to be washed and dried a few times before using them anyway to prep them, the little marks didn’t make a bit of difference to me, and they came out of the washer spotless.

    Then I bought some waterproof covers from another site.  I’ve purchased diaper covers in the past directly from the makers of Prorap, and they have seconds available for $4.75 each. I haven’t been able to tell the difference between the seconds and regulars, and the price is significantly less than buying them retail anywhere else (usually about $9).  I’ve been happy with the quality, so if you like functional and don’t care about it being plain white, this works great.  I recommend the Classic style, not the Basic.  The Classic feels more like cloth, the Basic is kind of like institutional vinyl.  I prefer diapers and covers that snap rather than velcro, so when I spoke to them, I asked if they had any covers with snaps that were seconds.   I got the last two.  🙂  The rest were all velcro, which is fine, too. http://www.prodiaper.net/ – You have to call and ask for the seconds; you wouldn’t know they exist from looking at the site.

    If you’re on a tight budget, I’d go with just the prefolds and wraps, and for under $100 you’d have a good sized stash to see you through.  If you have a little more financial wiggle room, I really like the fitteds for simplicity.  They also are less bulky than the prefolds. 

    I didn’t post about this right after making the order, or even receiving it, because I wanted to use them and see how it worked out for us before sharing with you.  We’ve all been very happy with these, and agree it was money well spent.  I hope that if you’re interested in cloth diapering, I’ve saved you at least several hours (I spent DAYS) of research on how to keep the costs down! 

    Avivah

  • Kids helping each other and being responsive to mom’s requests

    Yesterday we drove up to NY to visit my three kids who are in camp in the area for the month.  It was such a long, long day (over five hours of driving each way – left at 6:30 amd and got home at midnight), but so nice to see them!!  I really love our kids and it was so, so nice to spend the day with them.   And it was really nice to see how much they love us and their siblings, too. 

    Two other moms came along with us to camp, and on the way home, one of the moms asked me two questions: how do you get your kids to take care of each other, and how do you get them to do what you ask without complaining?  I get asked questions like this not infrequently, but because I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to get more compliments, I don’t usually follow up with the questions I always want to ask.  Which is, what do you see specifically that makes you ask that, and is it something that’s unusual that made you comment on it?  (I once asked a close friend ‘what do you mean?’ when she commented on the kids’ character, and she said, “Oh, come on, you know your kids are special.”  It wasn’t very helpful feedback, but I realized that I needed to be more clear about what I was asking, too!)  As obvious as it is to the person asking what they’re seeing, I usually have to guess what they saw that prompted their comments. 

    Since I have a lot of respect for the woman who asked me this – she’s is the mother of six, her youngest being almost the age of my oldest, and who gave a lot of time and attention to her kids when raising them – I really was interested in her thoughts.  But she asked in the van when the other mom was there, and I didn’t feel comfortable discussing it too much right then.   A little later, we all got out at the rest stop and I told her that I wasn’t looking for pats on the back, but on honest feedback and asked her my two questions. 

    She said that she noticed that the kids all look out for each other and naturally do things to help each other.  As she was saying this she noticed my dd7 helping ds2 wash his hands in the bathroom, so she said, “Like that!”   Since I never sat down and planned a method to get my kids to be like that, I could only say that I communicate to my kids that we’re a team and that means working together.  They genuinely love and like each other so I guess it’s natural that they help each other whenever the opportunity comes up.  I suppose my biggest part in this is that I created an atmosphere where they all spend hours a day together and have requirements about what kind of interactions are acceptable and what aren’t. 

    Then she went back to her other question, and said, “When you asked your son to feed the baby in the car when we were driving, he did it willingly.  But if I asked my children to do something like that, they would have complained and told me to ask someone else!  Don’t your kids ever refuse to do what you ask?”  The truth is, yes, sometimes they don’t want to do what I ask them to do.  I wouldn’t want anyone to think that we have a mantle of saintliness that’s spread over us all.  🙂 

    I have one child in particular who is at this stage – maybe 30 – 50% of the time when I ask him to do something, his first reaction is, ‘could you ask so and so to do it?’  Every child has areas that are more challenging for him, and for this child, he really likes fun. Not work.  So this is harder for him that for some others, and it’s something that I work on with him, to help him internalize what an appropriate response is.  (I sometimes do that by replaying the scene.  Me, pleasantly: “I’m going to ask you again, and this time you’re going to respond appropriately, with a pleasant attitude and ‘yes, Mommy’, ‘sure, Mommy’, ‘I’ll be happy to’, or something else that shows me you’re happy to work together to do what needs to be done. ”  Child: says response properly and we go on with things, or says it grumpily, in which case we do it again, until child does it with the right attitude.) 

    But generally they are pretty receptive to what I ask and there’s not much discussion or negotiation regarding the task at hand.  Here’s my feeling about this.  First of all, I try to be reasonable and fair about what I request of them.  Though they do a lot to help out, I don’t make my kids my slaves and give them jobs all day long.  I try to keep in mind how much I’ve asked of that child that day/week before asking for something else.  I have two categories that my requests fall into – those that I would appreciate if they could do it but they can say if it’s something they’d rather not do, and things that they have to do whether they want to or not, and tell them when it’s something they can refuse with no bad feelings. 

     Usually we work together to clean up, or cook, or whatever, so usually I’m not asking one child to do something while everyone else gets to play around.  So what they’re being asked is to do part of a project.  I don’t usually assign just one child to do a job.  If, for example, it’s time to set the table, I’ll break it up for two or three kids to do so that they share the work. 

    Also, when they ask me for help, I try to help them accomplish what they want when they need my assistance. And I try to be as responsive and pleasant when they ask for my help as I expect them to be when I ask for theirs. 

    The other mom summed what I said up by saying that it comes down to expectations, and I expect them to do what I ask.  And she’s right.  But I don’t expect that in a vaccuum, and I’ve shared what I’ve tried to do to create the kind of atmosphere where helping someone else or doing what a parent says is natural. 

    Avivah

  • The things two year olds say!

    This morning my mom popped in before work, and my 2 year old showed her his new rocking chair (see my post from a couple of days ago) – “it’s my rocking chair from the garbage”.  It’s good my mom understands what that means, because it doesn’t sound too good, does it?!

    After she left, he asked me to put his sandals on so he could go out.  I told him we weren’t going out now.  A few minutes later, someone asked where he was, and ran outside to check for him.  He had put on his sandals, opened the back door (that I thought was too heavy for him – got to keep it locked now that I know he can pull it open), and was going into the alley behind the house.  When he saw my daughter coming to get him, he told her, “I’m looking for garbage”.  LOL – it was very cute. 

    He already learned that good things come from people giving them away, but I think I’m going to have to teach him to express it a little differently, though, lest he say something like that in company that takes him literally!

    Avivah

  • Today’s lucky finds

    Don’t you love when you get things you need, when you need them, and they are free?!?

    Today my 7 and 9 year old asked if they could ride their bikes together, and since they had finished doing everything they were supposed to do, I didn’t see why not.  They came home flushed with excitement, and told me how they saw a sign that said FREE and beneath it was a portacrib, infant car seat, toddler rocking chair, and a couple of other things.  They raced home with their bikes, and without mentioning anything to me, ran back to the stuff, and brought it all inside to me. 

    They were so excited and happy to have been the ones to find things that were so nice and useful for us!  The portacrib is beautiful – everything looks new, actually.  You can’t tell that any of the items were used at all, except that they aren’t wrapped in the initial packaging. 

    We have a portacrib that the baby sleeps in during the day, but at night he sleeps on in my room, which is two flights above the main floor where we spend the day (we wouldn’t be able to hear him when he wakes up from a nap in the day, which is why he has two sleeping places).  But I was recently thinking that we’re going to need to get a second portacrib for the night since he’s really outgrown the bassinet that he’s been in until now.  Now we have it!

    My toddler loves the mini rocking chair – he keeps pushing anyone who tries to sit in it without asking him out and reminds them that it’s his.  He’s really good about sharing whatever he has if people ask, though, so I don’t mind. 

    I sure do appreciate whoever it was who wanted to share what they had with others!   My kids have become experienced at finding treasures.  Our house has an alley it backs up to, shared with the neighbors on another street who also back up to it.  Several times people have put things out next to the trash, but not in it, obviously there so that someone could notice it and take it, and my kids have brought it home.  (We do the same thing when we have things to give away.)  I’ve had to restrain them sometimes, though, since they get so caught up in the thrill of the hunt that they’ve occasionally brought things home that are just more clutter to deal with.  But generally they have a really good sense of what I’ll okay and what I won’t. 

    My husband and I have remarked to one another about how easy it is to live off the ‘fat of the land’ in America.  Seriously, in this country we have so much that lots of things in excellent condition are given or thrown away just because someone doesn’t want it anymore and can’t be bothered to take it to somewhere that accepts donations.  Just because it happens so often doesn’t mean it isn’t a huge blessing, and I regularly share with my children the feeling I have about how fortunate we are, so that we don’t take all that we have, or all that we’ve received for free, for granted. 

    Avivah

  • Making your own baby food

    Several months ago, I was in the infant section of Target with my then 12 year old daughter, when a harried looking young mother stopped me and asked hopefully, “Do you have a baby or know anything about babies?”  I told her that I did have a baby (didn’t mention that I’d had eight, though!). 

    She wanted help selecting the right baby food, and I had to regretfully tell her that I wasn’t the right person to do that, as I made baby food for our babies.  And it wasn’t much of a process, since I just mashed up the suitable veggies that we were eating and gave it to the baby. 

    She couldn’t believe it – “You mean you can do that?!?  Just mash up some of your own food and give it to him??”  And then she gave me sample foods she made and I told her which would be appropriate to give her baby.  But I think the idea was too novel or too threatening for her, since when I walked by a half hour later on my way to check out, she was still there, looking at the labels on jars of baby food. 

    My daughter was surprised and amused that a grown woman would be so astonished by something as simple as giving your baby food that you make.  As obvious at it seems to many of us, for those who believe that the experts know best, it makes sense that a parent would trust the food manufacturer’s ability to make the food that would nurture their baby more than themselves.  Definitely misplaced trust, but still, it’s understandable.

    I’m remembering this story today, since this week, we started giving our current baby solids.  Most of my kids started eating when they were about six months old, but this baby hasn’t shown any interest until very recently (he’ll be eight months in a few days). 

    I start off with something like baked yams or butternut squash.  That has a soft consistency and pleasant flavor, so it’s always seemed to me to be a natural first food – you don’t have to do anything more but spoon it into their tiny mouths!  As they get older, I introduce more foods, and purposely don’t mash it perfectly – it’s good for them to get used to eating food with texture. Sometimes babies who are used to pureed foods balk when there are little lumps since they aren’t used to anything but a very smooth feeling in their mouths. 

    Today I whizzed up some cooked carrots in the blender with a very small amount of cooked brown rice – it’s so quick and simple to do this – (maybe three minutes total?), and it easily made over three cups that I put into the fridge for Donny (that’s the baby).  I usually don’t use a blender; I hardly remember doing it in the past.  But rice is tough to chew when you’re toothless. 🙂  Actually, I reminded myself afterwards that I shouldn’t have used the rice for him yet.  It’s good to limit grains for infants, even of low allergenic/easy to digest grains like rice and millet, until they’re at least a year old.  Babies aren’t able to effectively break down grains. 

    You can also add some good quality fat to their veggies, which helps the vitamins be assimilated.  I use coconut oil, butter, or rendered animal fat.  Delish!

    Making your own baby food means that you know what goes into the food, where it came from, and how it was prepared.  You don’t add lots of artificial ingredients to make it stable for store shelves, or kill all of the beneficial vitamins in the processing.  It’s quick, it’s easy, and it saves you the time and in driving to and from the store to pick up those ridiculous little jars of baby food.

    Avivah

  • Using threats to motivate children – part 3

    When I started thinking about the issue of threats, the final question that was rattling around in my mind was, ‘What do I do if I phrase things positively, and they still don’t do what I want them to?” 

    The problem I was mentally running into is one that some of you may also have, remembering that love and strength go hand in hand.  Love isn’t weakness and doesn’t mean wimpy.  We aren’t give up our parental power just because we don’t use threats. 

    What’s the purpose in changing the way we communicate with our children?  We don’t speak with love and respect just to get our kids to do what we want, as a nice way to manipulate them.  We speak to them in that way because that’s what they deserve, and it helps them grow into emotionally healthy people. 

    Does that mean we’re doomed to have kids who won’t respond to what they’re told to do?  Of course not!  Wouldn’t you feel more motivated to do something when asked by someone who you knew respected you and believed in y0u?  The goal of communication is to build the relationship.  We want to build the relationship so that our kids want to do what we want.

    But that’s takes time, and even if they love us to pieces doesn’t mean that they’re willing to override what’s more comfortable for them at that moment, right?  So back to the original question, what do you do when they don’t listen?

    The same thing you would do otherwise.  You step in and help them do what you’re telling them.  The child is throwing something and continues, you remove the ball.  They need to clean the room, you work with them.  You tell them to stop slamming the door and they slam it again, you have them practice closing and opening it ten times nicely.  You take concrete action to show that you mean what you say and that you back your words with action.  That action isn’t punitive, it isn’t threatening.  It shouldn’t be done in an angry or frustrated way.  You are being matter of fact, firm, and friendly, and showing your child that you will take the necessary steps to teach them to do what they should.

    Avivah