Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • How do homeschooling moms get a break?

    ‘As a homeschooler who is around your kids all the time, when and how do you get a break?    What do you do when your kids are driving you crazy?’

    For me this is an issue that has become much less of an issue over the years – maybe partially because I don’t have negative judgement of myself or my kids when some days are harder than others, and partially because we’re used to being around each other and enjoy each other for the most part.  If I see someone is having a hard time (and this includes me), I try to see where it’s coming from, and address the source.  For example, an overtired child will be sent to take a nap, or go to sleep early, and I’ll remind myself that the behavior I’m seeing is because of exhaustion. Sometimes I haven’t been as consistent in the discipline area as I needed to be and I had to tighten up, and sometimes I’ve been too uptight and needed to loosen up.  It just depends on what is going on and addressing the root issue vs. the symptom is what has worked for me. 

    Since I now have older kids around, I can physically take a break if I need to, which  obviously won’t be a helpful suggestion for a mom with much younger kids.:)  But I didn’t have this option for years!  I think that a daily rest time can be helpful, and is something I sometimes did when everyone was younger.  They didn’t have to sleep, but they had to be quiet – reading, listening to a cassette, etc – and they had to stay in their room – for the designated amount of time.  I would coordinate this time for when the toddler or baby was taking a nap.  This gave me a chance to have a breather, and this daily recharging kept me going even during the less pleasant days (and we all have them).  

    When a mom is feeling positive and relaxed, she transmits that and the kids tend to be lots more enjoyable to be around in that case.  It’s usually when we’re tired, tense, burnt out, or overwhelmed in general that our kids seem to be the most challenging, and I’ve come to realize that it’s not coincidental!  They pick up on our signals.

    Also, it was very helpful when I respected my needs as a parent and let my children know what kind of behavior I wanted to see.  When I clarified this and consistently gave this same message, supporting my words with action, things became much more enjoyable as I didn’t feel myself getting tense about lots of annoying things – if it really bugged me, I made it clear the actions were off limits, even if it wouldn’t bother other moms – and for the most part, the kids stopped doing it (after learning that there would be decisive action if they did). 

    Here are some starter questions you can ask yourself if you’re feeling burnt out and like you want a break from your child.  Do you expect too much of your child?  Do you expect too much of yourself?  Is this behavior normal for a child his/her age?  Are you dealing with a lot outside of the homeschooling arena that is affecting your energy?  Everyone will have different answers, but clarifying your answers will help you find the the best solution for you.  

    Avivah

  • Parenting well takes a lot of work

    Today I’m feeling discouraged.  I love helping other moms work through issues I’ve worked through, because I know how hard it can be.  That’s what I try to do here and on some other boards that I sometimes frequent.  But sometimes it seems really hard to effectively communicate and not be misunderstood. Parenting is such a charged issue that it’s hard to say  anything too non-generic without eliciting defensiveness or negativity from someone.   I’ve experienced this myself, and I’ve seen this dynamic a number of times in various venues with others. 

    I’ve never tried to portray myself as perfect, and I’ve never tried to gloss over the challenges of raising kids.  I don’t have perfect kids – there’s no such thing.  Sometimes they misbehave, aren’t respectful, or do the wrong thing.  But having made that disclaimer, all in all they are really great kids. And putting aside false modesty – whenever you see a really nice family, you have to realize that it didn’t happen by default.  (I met a mom with three kids in the library and after noticing the interactions between her kids while I was there, commented favorably to her on her oldest child treated her younger siblings.  She said, ‘Yes, she’s a good kid,” and I told her, “You have to take credit for creating the environment where that developed, because something like that doesn’t happen by itself.”)

    Let me be really clear – parenting is hard work.  I realize that some of my suggestions sound simplistic to some people.  I strongly advocate active and involved parenting, keeping your kids close by, and supervising closely.  Is that the answer to everything?  Of course not.  But it’s amazing what a big difference it makes.  When you combine that with actively and regularly building the relationship, it’s very powerful and effective.

    Some people think that my suggestions are too hard and unrealistic.   That’s okay.  As the saying goes, ‘Take what you like and leave the rest.”   I can only share my experience and what’s worked for me.  My intent is never to hurt or slight anyone, or to judge anyone who does things differently than I do.  What works for me isn’t necessarily going to be the best approach for everyone.  But I really hope that anyone who’s been reading my blog for a while knows my intent is to share and be helpful.  I’ve finally come to the realization that I can’t keep people from reading into what I say/write intentions that I don’t have, no matter how careful I try to be. 

    Please feel free to ask for clarifications if something I say doesn’t make sense, or to disagree (that’s what the ‘comments’ are for). 

    Avivah

  • Is boarding school the answer?

    Recently I was out shopping and ran into a woman who called me three years ago asking about homeschooling, and has spoken to me a couple more times since then about the increasing difficulty with her son and asked for advice to handle him.  Though I spent a lot of time with her to understand the situtation and gave some clear suggestions regarding her son, she said my suggestions were too hard.  I pointed out a year ago that living with a volatile adolescent who was almost entirely out of control wasn’t easy, either, and would get much worse if it weren’t dealt with.  “Yes, but…..”

    This is the challenge of parenting – sometimes doing what we need to do is really hard.  We’re tired, worn out, and emotionally spent at the end of a day.  It’s hard to be proactive and implement new ways of doing things.  I think this is at the heart of why there are so many books about ‘how to parent’.  Many parents are looking for quick and easy tips, for quick fixes to big problems that don’t entail making any real changes to how they already are doing things.  And I don’t blame them – I myself would love a magic pill or to just use the right phrases and voila – perfect children!  But that’s not the reality of parenting.

    Back to the woman in the store.  I asked her how things were going with her almost 13 year old son (she called me initially when he was 10).  She said, “Better.”  Really, I asked, glad to hear it but surprised (surprised because I didn’t think she was going to make any changes in her approach to her son).  “Yes, he’s getting older, and soon he’ll be old enough to go to yeshiva out of town (boarding school) for high school, so he won’t be at home anymore.”  Oh.  I ask her if she thinks that sending him away for school is going to address his issues, and she says unconvincingly, “Maybe – sometimes it helps kids.”

    Sometimes, I think to myself, but not this time, when nothing that’s led to the situation developing has changed.  If the parents can’t positively influence him at home and encourage the behavior they want to see, how likely is it that in the 24/7 atmosphere of peer presence that he’s going to rise to actualize his higher self?  We all know how good an influence peers are on susceptible kids, don’t we?   (Yes, I’m being a bit sarcastic.)  This boy also has lots of friction in his interactions with his parents, as well as watching ongoing conflict between his parents.  How would going to a school far away change that?  I would be willing to bet money that this boy will probably be asked to leave at least the first school they send him to, and that the parents response is going to be to explain it away because it wasn’t the right kind of place.  And then their energies will go into finding a different school.  Sheesh.

    Avivah

  • Mom asking for help with anger

    A mom asked how to handle her anger when her 3 year old didn’t listen to what she said.  She said that she felt her problem was her anger, not the child’s behavior (though the 3yo was disobedient, threw tantrums, and ignored her mother whenever she told her to do something). 

    My response: Please, please look at the post I just wrote about sibling issues – you will see a loving, firm approach that will keep you from getting angry and ensure your daughter clearly gets a sense of her boundaries.  In my experience, I have seen that this is probably the most common issue for moms, not knowing how to effectively discipline, and then feeling guilty because they feel angry/hateful towards their child.  But it’s very exciting when you see what a major change it makes in the home environment to get this aspect of things under control; you’re happier, your child is happier, and you can enjoy each other lots more.

    I feel very passionately about this because I really struggled with this issue earlier on in my parenting. I’ve been very fortunate to learn better ways to deal with things, but have continued to see the same mistakes I was making be made all the time – and the same ineffective suggestions continue to be made to parents in how to deal with it.  I also see many people with older kids who have gotten out of control. Effective discipline is crucial to the short and long term relationship between the parent and child.  It’s interesting but sad to note that many of these parents were so concerned about gentle parenting that they didn’t want to even say ‘no’ to their children now have hostile and strained relations with their resistant teenagers.  It’s hard to enjoy being around undisciplined children, even (especially?) if they are your own.

    I’m not saying mine is the only approach that works well, and if someone finds something else that works for them, then that’s great. I haven’t, and I’d read just about every book out there at some point! But I do have enough years of parenting behind me (my oldest is 14) to really see the fruits of using an approach like this. I spend all day, every day with my kids (we homeschool) and love it. I rarely get angry (annoyed, yes, but angry, no) and it’s not because I’m super patient, because I’m not at all. I’ve just taught my kids that when I say something, I mean it, and I’ve invested the time and effort into really building relationships with them.

    It’s reasonable to get angry when what is important to you is regularly being trampled on. I really don’t think the answer to being a calmer parent is to try to understand your child more. Yes, it’s really important to be respectful of her and to think about her feelings, but at the same time, justifying her bad behavior isn’t helping either of you.  You should to respect your own boundaries and emotional needs as much as you respect your child’s!

    Avivah

  • 4 yo being too rough with baby

    A mom of a 4.5 year old and infant asked how to handle the following situation: the 4 yo was repeatedly roughly stroking the baby’s face and body, regardless of being redirected or having it explained to him why he shouldn’t do it.  My response is below:

    Having had a 4.5 year old son as well as a 9 month old, I can relate to this issue as well.

    My first thought is that he knows exactly what he is doing, and it’s not to show affection. He wants to do something hurtful but not look like he is being hurtful. So he’s doing something that looks nice just a little too much. 4 year olds understand a lot more than most parents give them credit for, and the need to be gentle with someone much younger than them is well within their understanding and abilities. The way he is doing it shows he is being purposeful.

    Practically speaking, as soon as you see his hand reaching out to do something, catch his hand in yours (before he can hurt her) and in a firm voice, say “No!” Obviously, this means you need to stay very close by when the two of them are in the same area (which is pretty important for many reasons for any kids this age :)). Intercept him every time. Let him know that you will not tolerate any hurting in your home. Then show him how to show the baby he loves her when he tells you he is doing it because he loves her.

    By dealing with it like this, you will be able to deal with him from a position of calm and firmness, not anger, because you are preempting the situation instead of responding after the fact. He will learn very quickly that it’s not going to get him anywhere to try to hurt her. It sounds like you are already giving him lots of attention in a nice relaxed atmosphere. If that’s the case, it’s not because he’s not getting attention that he’s upset, but just because she is getting attention that bothers him. I think he’s old enough to talk with about this, that sometimes he will get attention, and sometimes she will get attention, and her getting attention doesn’t make him any less. When a child is filled up inside, he doesn’t feel threatened by someone else having something nice, and it seems there’s some insecurity going on inside of him. If you can identify where that is coming from, by addressing that you will get to the root of the issue.

    I don’t think you need to worry that it’s because of his sister that he’s getting a negative reaction from you – it’s a result of his actions. I think that dealing with this right away is the most loving thing you can do for him and the entire family – it just keeps getting worse if it’s not dealt with. Someone called me last week for help with her ten year old, who is out of control now because she never taught him to control himself when he was young, and excused his behavior as normal, something he would grow out of, and felt bad that he must be missing something inside to make him act like that. The measures she needs to take now to teach him to have consideration for someone other than himself are really hard and could have been dealt with so easily when he was young.

    Be consistent and don’t give up; change won’t be immediate, but it will definitely happen, and you will enjoy being with him lots more until then!

    Avivah

  • Toddler coloring on walls and furniture

    >> How do you keep young children who have access to crayons and markers from decorating your house?<<

    Keep the coloring supplies where he can’t reach them so that you need to give them to him when he wants them, and supervise him carefully when he uses them.  Immediately intercept him and matter of factly remove whatever he’s using as soon as you see him about to use the crayons or markers inappropriately.  He’ll realize very quickly without you saying much that if he wants to use them, they will have to be used in the right way. 

    Isn’t it nice to have an issue that’s so easy to resolve?

    Avivah

  • Chiropractics, muscle pain, and parenting

    Yesterday dh’s back was feeling sore from having been in one position for too long, and since his regular chiropractor couldn’t see him until Monday, he got an appointment with a chiropractor we know in the neighborhood.  After his appointment, he was describing to me the differences between the approach of the two chiropractors.  His regular chiropractor said that when there’s pain in the muscles, it’s because there’s something underneath it which is the problem, and the muscles are protecting the joints below.  So  he deals with the underlying joints and once the deeper physical issue is resolved, the muscle pain will clear up on its own.

    This is exactly how I feel about parenting.  There are often the external symptoms that something is wrong in the relationship – the child is disrespectful, won’t listen, doesn’t help, etc.  Most parents, when asking for help, want specific suggestions how to improve a particular issue.  But my approach is to look at what is at the heart of the matter, what is really causing the problem.  If we try to fix just the symptom, the problem will recur because the underlying cause of the symptom is still there. 

    What it always seems to boil down to is: relationship and connectedness.  I know this seems simplistic, but my experience is that when I deal with my child’s deepest need (which is for attachment) by spending time with them and actively building our relationship, the topical problems often just melt away on their own.  The child doesn’t need to misbehave anymore because the underlying need has been met.  

    (That doesn’t mean that just love alone is the answer.  Part of loving our children is having the courage to appropriately guide them.  But disciplining children before addressing the heart doesn’t work.)

    Avivah 

  • Are older parents more confident?

    When it’s been debated if it’s better for women to begin having children when they are younger or older, I’ve often heard that the advantage of younger mothers is more energy, but that older mothers have more wisdom.  Is this true?  Well, in some ways, yes.  An older mother has more life experience, and ideally, by the time she becomes a parent, she has a strong sense of who she is.  However, if an older mother has more perspective and maturity doesn’t mean that they will be more confident in their parenting.  After all, it’s their first time being a mother, and every new stage brings up new issues.  All new mothers are facing the same challenges. 

    I got married young, so I had my first baby when I was young, too!  People are often surprised when they meet me to find out that I have eight kids – or if they know how many kids I have, are surprised to find out how old I am.  (Since I know it’s hard to read something like that without knowing the numbers, I just turned 34 several days ago. :)) Not that I look especially young for my age, just I guess they expect me to look much older.  And they always seem to end their series of exclamations with, “Eight kids!  (shake head) And you still look so happy!” – as if I should look like a miserable hag because I have a large family.

    I’m a pretty confident parent, but my age doesn’t have anything to do with how confident I am or not.  The moms who are older than me who have asked me for feedback, have asked because my kids were older than theirs and I had dealt with things they were just getting to.  Whatever confidence I have in this area is a result of experience, of over fourteen years of being a parent, of thinking through issues, educating myself, and learning, learning, learning.  

     Every child comes with their own personality, and I’ve learned something from them all.  And I keep learning all the time – I think life is a process of striving to always learn more and be more, and parenting is certainly like that.  I don’t claim to have all the answers and I’m always open to finding a better way to approach issues that may arise.  Confidence about who you are (as a parent or anything else) is more a result of being clear in who you are and what your values are, of working towards your goals and seeing them actualized, than of an arbitrary number. 

    Avivah

  • Happy birthday to me!

    Today I slept in late and ds8 came up to wake me up so I would eat breakfast with them.  I noticed a good smell in the air and commented on it to ds, and he said, “It’s just oatmeal.”  Right away I thought something must be going on since it sure didn’t smell like oatmeal to me, and when I got downstairs, I was immediately greeted by all of the kids standing together behind a large ‘Happy birthday’ sign, singing ‘Happy birthday to you.”  It was very sweet.  Then they guided me to the table, and there was a tray with a special breakfast prepared, and very artistically displayed, too! 

    Today was also the last day to renew my driver’s license, and since dh wasn’t home to watch the kids and ds14 was in school, I took them all with me.  Sounds like fun, right, spending the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Administration with a bunch of kids?  Before we left home, I suggested that they bring whatever academic work they were in the middle of  as well as something to read.  After I got there and received my number, I looked around the stuffy, crowded room, and knew I had to find somewhere better to wait.  So we went outside, looking for somewhere we could sit down together.  We were very fortunate to find a picnic table (which turned out to be the outdoor smoking area) where they were able to do their academics, and since it was slightly set back from the parking lot and sidewalk, there was a place for ds19 months to run around.  The kids enjoyed running back to the main building every 15 minutes or so to see what number they were up to.  After about 2 hours and fifteen minutes, I decided to go in and everyone trooped in with me. 

    Bringing lots of children to a child-unfriendly place like the MVA is definitely a good strategy for getting lots of attention.  🙂   The kids were very patient and we were called fairly soon after we came in.  The woman who was helping me had commented favorably on the kids, as did her coworkers.  They were impressed by how well behaved they all were.  But then I was informed that since my social security number was still in my maiden name (just never got around to changing it :)), I couldn’t renew my license and would have to come back another day (they said it was something new instituted about two years ago, which is why I’ve had a license without any problems until now).

    Then the woman took another look at the kids, and told her coworker that she wasn’t willing to tell me to come in after all the kids waited patiently for so long, and they conferred to find a way to do the license today.  Then they called over some more people (I was wondering what the people in the waiting area were thinking as five people simultaneously left their cubicles to come to where I was), and finally a supervisor did an override and told me they would give me the license along with a strong suggestion that I take care of the name change right away.  So it ended up that it was only because the kids were with me that I didn’t need to come back! 

    When we got home the kids right away went to do some arts and crafts for, I thought, the puppet show they’ve been preparing. When dinnertime came, I was surprised to see a pile of beautiful cards next to my plate, with sweet messages on each.  Here’s what my 8yos wrote:

    “Dear Mommy,

     Happy birthday.  I think you are the best mother in the world so I made a poem about it. 

    ‘Most mothers are mean

    and really junky

    but our mother is nice

    and really fun and funky.’ ” His first poem.  🙂

    Dh got home late and was disappointed to find that dinner was ready – he was planning to make a special birthday dinner and had come home late because he stopped at a store to buy the ingredients.   But I think that the thought is what counts! 

    Despite the photo for my license being worse than any picture I’ve ever had taken in my life, it’s been a lovely day!    Who would have thought that a day spent at the MVA could be so pleasant? 

    Avivah

  • Choosing appropriate punishments

    (continued from yesterday’s post) 

    “How do you choose the appropriate punishment?”

    I used to tie myself into mental knots trying to figure out just the right punishment.  Too often, I couldn’t think of the right response and I would delay responding (or not respond at all because of my unsureness) or would overreact out of my lack of confidence in my approach.  Now I don’t.  I’ve found the approach of using logical (not natural) consequences is pretty straightforward and doesn’t require too much creativity, usually.  For example, above, I tell the whining child no more talking.  The child who repeatedly leaves his things out wouldn’t be allowed to use those items for a certain amount of time, someone who kicked would have his shoes taken off, etc.  But if I can’t think of something logical fast enough, then I’ll choose something else whether the child can see a direct connection or not. Most commonly it would be, ‘come stay next to me for a while since it looks like it will help you if you have me nearby to remind you about how to __________ (restrain yourself, use nice words, whatever your issue is).”   It’s a nice way to say it but my kids know it means they’ve lost the privilege of playing out of my sight by their actions.

    Something else I do often is have the child practice the appropriate behavior several times, to help them integrate it. If a child jumps on the couch, I would have him sit down and get up a number of times (not just once).  If a child told me ‘no’, I would tell them we’re going to replay the scene, and this time they would respond by pleasantly saying, Yes, mommy” (or something like that).  I would then repeat my request, and the child would respond (usually the first time they say the words with a bad attitude).  Then I would repeat my request, and remind them about the tone and the words.   Then I would do that several times. It’s not to make them crazy, it’s not to punish them – it’s to teach them proper behavior, and actively guide them in practicing it several times.

    When a parent’s focus is on punishment, there’s a punitive and negative mindset.  I try to focus on discipline as correction for the sake of the child’s long term good.  By reframing how I look at the situation, even if it’s just changing the words that I speak or think, it helps me keep a positive perspective.

    Avivah