Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Progress on the attic and new learning experiences…

    I’ve been busy this week looking into local high school options for ds13 for the coming year (private schools – the local public schools are some of the worst in the country), wanting to know what the options were without summarily dismissing them in favor of homeschooling. After all of my research, homeschooling has never looked better! It’s taken a good amount of time and emotional energy, but I feel even more committed to educating our children at home after considering all of the input and feedback with an open mind.

    On the home front, after two weeks of dh not really working on our attic, I realized he was very understandably feeling a bit overwhelmed at how much work there was to do, especially in light of how little time he had at home to do it in. I was planning to do a bunch of work, too, but was waiting for him to finish some preliminary things that needed to be done before I could do my part. To take the pressure off of my wonderful husband, I asked my ds13 if he felt comfortable doing some of the work, to which he agreed.

    I really think teenagers need and appreciate meaningful outlets for their energies, and this project has been very satisfying and gratifying for my son. He can really see a visible difference before and after he does work, and he knows what a huge help it is to dh and I that he’s getting so involved. I just wanted ds to hang some drywall, but he went well beyond that. After drywalling the knee wall on one side of the attic, he decided to frame the inner concrete wall himself, which was more complicated than a typical wall framing project because of the slant of the roof on each side. Then he went on to begin hanging dry wall on that same wall, which also was a lot more work because of the drywall needing to be cut at an exact slant to fit the interior roofline. And, it’s right next to the stairs so he had to build a kind of scaffold with dh so he would have a place to get the footing for sufficient leverage to drill. The attic is actually beginning to look like it will be a really nice living space – reality is starting to show glimpses of matching the vision in my mind’s eye. I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel. The plumbing and electric work for the bathroom has been done, so a lot of that work is in place. We need to build a custom shower stall, cover all the walls, lay a tile floor, and put the door in for the bathroom, and then the plumber will be back to put in the fixtures, and the electricians will be back to put in the light and venting fan. Though there’s still lots of work to do, both for the bathroom and the attic itself, it’s exciting to see it all come together.

    Well, after working together with dh most of Friday on the attic, they were both ready for a break, when we discovered the sewer main had backed up and the contents of my garbage disposal from the kitchen sink were coming up in my utility sink in the basement. We quickly called the plumber, who told us to call a sewer service. Unfortunately, it was 5:30 and they were closed, so there was no help on that end. Feeling a very real sense of urgency and not having any professionals available to come out and take care of it, dh ran out to Home Depot (which is beginning to feel like our second home) and rented an electric snake. He did a fantastic job of snaking out the sewer line (there’s a first time for everything – the joys of home ownership!), and took a quick shower while ds put the pipes back together.

    Then in the middle of the night, I woke up to the sounds of crying, and found my two middle sons throwing up. My dds (10 and 12) were taking care of them, and said they hadn’t wanted to wake me up, but fortunately I heard them anyway. There must be a virus going around, since the baby was sick on Thursday and Friday, also the same kinds of symptoms – lethargy and vomiting. The 4 yo seemed to be feeling fine when he woke up, but ds8 still isn’t over it. I hope in the morning when he wakes up it will have worked its way out of his system.

    Our guests today were wonderful, just filled with a positive energy and upbeat attitude that I especially love and appreciate. I had considered canceling when we had the sewer main problem because I wasn’t sure what the state of the house would be like, but I’m so glad I didn’t, especially since we made plans with them over a month ago. They are a couple in their sixties, and we had a marvelous lunch conversation that went on for three hours and spanned a wide variety of topics. The older three kids were all interested in the conversation, and participated as well, and the younger kids flitted from the table to their games during the meal.

    My older two dds started a baking business several weeks ago, and just got a few large orders. It’s really exciting for them, since they didn’t know what kind of response they would get (and there may still be orders that will come in, since customers have until Monday to place their orders). So I’m organizing my time so that the kitchen will be available exclusively for their use for Tues/Weds/Thurs, and then again on Sunday. I feel it’s really a wonderful project that they’ve taken on, and though I won’t do the work for them, and willing to support them in whatever way I can. Basically, this has meant taking them shopping for supplies and to distribute their flyers. I really feel that nothing builds self-confidence like success, and regardless of how much money they make, this has already been a very good experience for them.

    Avivah

  • Temper tantrums

    Tonight I was wondering about what seems to be a commonly held belief, that temper tantrums are an inevitable and integral part of a young child’s life. This isn’t how I view it at all, and isn’t representative of my personal experience as a parent. So I turned to my expert panel for thoughts on this, my kids. 🙂

    At dinner tonight, I asked them how they define temper tantrums, and what they think the cause of them is. They defined tantrums pretty much the way I think most of us would (emotionally and physically escalating to an extreme level to express unhappiness). Their comments on where they think tantrums stem from was quite interesting for me to hear, since this isn’t something we’ve ever discussed.

    One child said that he thinks parents let their kids get whatever they want, and then since the child isn’t used to hearing “no”, he reacts with a tantrum when something doesn’t go his way. Another added that she’s seen children who get into the habit of throwing tantrums to get what they want, because their parents don’t respond strongly the first time there’s a tantrum and don’t give a strong message even after the first time. Another comment was that children aren’t taught when they are young how to act and what is acceptable. They also noticed that some kids will act up in public and thought it might be because parents feel too embarrassed to respond to it the way they would at home.

    Though I don’t think things are as black and white as my kids, I do agree with a lot of what they said. Part of the issue that wasn’t mentioned, in my opinion, is parental ambivalence that is projected to a child. Because so many parents believe that tantrums are a normal way for a young child to react, they don’t consider that there is anything wrong with it. Yes, they may feel annoyed and irritated, but think it’s a child’s natural reaction to have a tantrum in certain situations (eg, exhaustion, sickness, and one I especially frequently hear, when they don’t have words to express themselves). And if it’s a natural reaction, then it isn’t fair of them to expect anything else.

    I think that a parent gets what he expects, in terms of behavior. I have clear expectations of what is allowed in our home, and I expect that our children will respect those standards. (I of course enforce what I expect.) Part of why we’ve never had an issue with tantrums is that I respond to an escalating situation well before it reaches a tantrum stage (eg, I would respond right away to a child saying “no” to my request, or starting to raise his voice or become impatient; those are responses that I feel need correction from the outset).

    Additionally, I don’t think teaching standards begins the first time a child has a tantrum. Teaching my children to respect what I say begins at a young age. For example, our baby (who is almost one) doesn’t wiggle around when I change his diaper, and hasn’t wiggled when changed for at least two months. Why? Not because he was spanked any time he budged! Because I firmly said “no” and gently held him in place when he squirmed. This might have taken 3 – 5 times. So he learned that if he wants to check everything out and move all around, he just has to wait a minute or two until I’m finished changing him. As he gets older, he will learn more and more about how to act in various situations, and will be able to consistently anticipate my response to how he behaves.

    When a child gradually gets used to listening to his parent in a wide array of situations, he learns what his parent will tolerate and what he won’t. Kids know how to push their limits, and will push those limits! They are very, very good at seeing if we really mean what we say, and they can tell that by how we respond to their actions. When your children get a clear and consistent message from you that tantrums aren’t a reasonable recourse to expressing themselves, their frequency will drastically be cut down.

    Avivah

  • Extracurricular activities for kids -how much is too much?

    A couple of days ago, we went to a large local park late in the afternoon with the kids. Dh told the older kids he would play some baseball with them in one of the fields, which they were all looking forward to. The problem was, they kept having to find new fields to play on, as more and more teams came out to practice, and said they had reserved the field. (All lacrosse teams ? I never had even heard of lacrosse when I was a kid. Since when did that become so popular?) It got me thinking about how these kids were reflective of the trend all over the country, with kids being super busy with scheduled activities, versus lots of time for free play.

    When I was a kid and when we went to a park, we ended up playing with other kids there. We had pickup games in our neighborhood when a bunch of kids happened to be outside at the same time, which wasn’t unusual. But nowadays, it’s getting increasingly rare to see kids playing outside; the vast majority of kids have structured activities for after school is over. A kid who wants to have a pickup game with neighbors is a kid who’s going to be waiting a long time!

    We all have a tendency to go along with what everyone else is doing, without really thinking about if it’s a good thing or not. And parents just want to do the best thing for their kids. The message nowadays is, kids need all of this structured activity at a very young age to be competitive as they get older, that an early start is a head start. If you don’t put your three year old in ice skating or ballet, the concern is that they will be hopelessly behind when they get to be 10 and there’s no class that’s suitable for their level. I wonder how much parents have thought about the benefit to kids in this approach. Societally we now see so many kids who end up with frantically overcrowded days, rushing from school to extra curricular activities most days of the week. When so many kids need planners to keep track of their social/extra curricular lives, is that a good thing? Does it encourage emotional balance and family togetherness?

    I don’t think so. In fact, I think it’s harmful and damaging to kids when we take away their childhoods by scheduling their days so full that most adults would be overwhelmed by it. Kids need time to be bored, time to learn how to fill their own time and entertain themselves. They need the time to relax and let go of the tension of the day, and time to get to be comfortable in their own skin without the constant busy-ness to keep them from knowing themselves. Free time is supposed to be an integral part of being a child (at least in first world countries). There used to be a saying, “Early ripe, early rot”. Precocity wasn’t viewed as a good thing. Now parents strive to outdo each other with who is busier than the next person, whose child is in more activities and has a fuller schedule, and whose child is on a more advanced level than another’s. It’s almost a prestige thing, when you hear moms comparing whose child is doing more. But when are we going to recognize the insanity of this approach, and give our children the time they deserve to just be?

    Avivah

  • Guilt over anger with child

    “I find myself yelling at my daughter for little things, and then I feel horrible afterwards.”

    Sometimes moms catch themselves reacting in anger to their young child, getting super frustrated with seemingly small things. Then the mom feels guilty because she was overreacting to something so small. Sound familiar?

    There’s definitely something more productive a mom can do than feel guilty and continue to regularly enact the same scenario. Instead of rushing to guilt trip herself for overreacting, a mom needs to instead look at the dynamics of the situation. What is her child doing that she is regularly getting upset about? Are there certain circumstances surrounding incidents that may be a factor? For example, are you tired, hungry, in a rush, or feeling pressured by the presence of certain people? My personal worst trigger is when I feel time pressure, and one day I realized that was the real problem, not my kids or whatever they happened to be doing when I got upset. I would overreact when I felt too rushed (and when combined with exhaustion, things weren’t pretty). So I learned to leave myself bigger chunks of time to get things done, leave earlier than I think I need to in order to get places on time, and try to avoid putting myself in time pressured situations if I can avoid it (planning ahead can eliminate many pressures connected with time based situations).

    It’s also important to realize that our kids our tuned into our emotions, and when we are feeling pressured and tense, their behavior is always going to be worse. When the situation is being initiated by your bad mood/exhaustion/depression, you need to realize that they are just reacting to you. When you change your attitude for the better, their behavior will seem to miraculously improve.

    Once you check for the above, and that’s not the root of the issue, look objectively at your child’s behavior. Lots of times we think that a behavior is minor and tell ourselves it shouldn’t bug us, so we ignore it. The child does it again and again, and each time, it’s bugging us more and more. And eventually, we explode over (seemingly) one little provocation. The mistake here is that you aren’t respecting your feelings about the action in question in the very beginning. That little feeling of irritation is a warning sign for you that something needs to be responded to, not ignored. It’s like your personal geiger counter that senses something that needs correction.

    There are things that you won’t be bothered by that other moms would be, and you wouldn’t put any effort into correction, because it’s not a problem for you. And then there are other things that are important to you that other moms would shrug about, but you will want to insist on them, even if for other people it wouldn’t be a big enough to make an issue of. I’m not talking about giving yourself license to be nitpicky and a perfectionist with your child, which is damaging. Rather, I’m referring to the many times that kids act inappropriately, and we think we are being good mothers by continuing to smile and act like they are acting fine, that if we are bothered, it’s our problem, not theirs. (There are also things that every parent should respond to, even if it doesn’t bother them, because to ignore them gives the wrong message, but that’s a post for another time.)

    I’ve seen this happen many times. An example that comes to mind is a child who repeatedly interrupts her mother’s conversation, climbs all over her, and makes demands, while the mother is obviously feeling stressed and continues to say loving words even while she’s getting increasingly tense. She felt that it was normal behavior for a four year old. I said something to the mother about it, to the effect that she seemed to be feeling really resentful and uptight about her child’s presence. She told me she honestly finds it very hard to be around her child. Instead of responding to the many things her child did that were legitimately cause for irritation, her solution was to let her child do whatever she wanted without providing appropriate limitations on her behavior. In a case like this, both the mother and child would benefit by the mother being honest with herself about what she wanted to see; her child was picking up on her negative emotions in spite of her nice sounding words.

    Behaviors that are problematic should be nipped in the bud. It doesn’t matter how small they are, because if you don’t address them, they are guaranteed to get bigger. That’s the problem with the theory of choosing your battles, and not wanting to make an issue of little things. When we don’t deal with the small things in the beginning, they escalate to become big things. Then we explode over seemingly superficial incidents, and don’t understand where the anger is coming from.

    This is a really important point, because by dealing with this before we are feeling strong negative emotions, we can calmly respond to our child, they can adjust their behavior, and virtually no time needs to be spent in a negative space. Notice, respond, and get back to spending time doing the good stuff with him or her.

    Avivah

  • The Myth of Doing it All

    Very often, people ask me how ‘I do it all’. And I tell them, I don’t do it all, no one does. People make comments to me like, “You’re superwoman” or other nonsense, which I really dislike. Why? Because there is no such thing as superwoman, and any time someone says that, it means they aren’t seeing who you really are. The reason I think that people say things like that is they see something that a person does, and they then superimpose their life onto that person, so they imagine that another mom not only does everything they themselves need to do in their own lives, but all of the other things that they see her accomplishing as well. The danger in seeing things from a distance is it isn’t accurate or realistic.

    But that doesn’t mean you need to give up your dream of what you want to accomplish or who you want to be. Not at all. What it does mean is that you need to clarify for yourself what it is that you really want. I accomplish many things in the course of a week that are meaningful to me, which leaves me with a great sense of accomplishment. If I were trying to do what I thought I was “supposed” to do, instead of what really mattered to me, I’d probably feel I was always running behind, feeling I’d never be able to keep up or be good enough.

    You can’t do everything, but you can do all of the things that are important to you, and do them well, if you are honest about what you really want, and then prioritize your time accordingly. For example, my main priorities are homeschooling my children, parenting them well, making my home a nurturing place for us all, having a great relationship with my husband, and running my business. These are all things that I block out time for, because they are priorities to me.

    Here are a couple of examples of how these things play out for me. Homeschooling my children means putting time into my schedule first thing in the day, time to work with them on academics. If I didn’t prioritize this, I could easily end up often not getting around to it, since there are so many other things that need to be done. I don’t take or make phone calls until early afternoon, my time before then is just for my kids. It doesn’t mean that we don’t spend time together during the later part of the day, but we can all relax later in the day, knowing we’ve accomplished our academic goals and they aren’t being compromised by anything else. Later in the day is the time for other activities, errands, work on the house, or trips.

    Making my home a nurturing place means that I take the time to think about what a nurturing home means to me, and then plan the steps to accomplish that. For me, that means that things are basically orderly most of the time, there are tasty meals on a regular schedule, and there is a relaxed atmosphere in the home. So I make sure I have a weekly menu plan, have regular chores assigned to my children, and we work together when it’s time for chores. In this way, everything gets done without it all falling on one person, and there isn’t a feeling of one person having to work while everyone else does what they want. I keep this goal in mind when I spend all day out of the home on a trip, and try to plan accordingly. For example, tomorrow I will be going to a neighboring state for my big shopping day. So today I will think about how to be sure that we have appropriate food to take for lunch, and how to have a hot meal ready (or quickly readied) when I get home. Otherwise, a day like that would be a big stress for us all and affect my primary goals.

    When you think you see someone who is just amazing as to how she does everything, she may in fact be really good about organizing her time. And it would be a good idea to ask her how she does it, and see if the principles she uses are ones you can effectively adapt for yourself. I love hearing the tips effective people use in their lives. But don’t make the mistake of putting her on a pedestal. We can (and should) respect others who are living the kind of lives they want to live, but never let it affect how you view yourself. What other people do doesn’t make you more or less than the person you are. There’s no benefit in comparing yourself to anyone.

    Remember – doing it all is simply a myth.

    Avivah

  • Creating structure in the home

    Tonight I was thinking about a recent conversation I had with a woman who is also a mother of 7 kids. She mentioned that her oldest son, 14 years old, didn’t enjoy being at home. I asked her why, and she said that he feels it’s too loud and chaotic, that there’s always someone yelling or screaming, and that things are always a mess. Then she kind of laughed, assuming that as a mother of a family of the same size and virtually the same age kids I shared her experience, and said, “Well, when he gets older he’ll appreciate it and love it.”

    My response (she is a good friend or I would have kept my thoughts to myself) was that it was possible he would look back at it all with a warm feeling, but it was more likely he would become determined not to duplicate that environment for his children later on, and would probably want a small family. I told her that I thought it was reasonable for him to want some peace and quiet, and that being part of a big family didn’t mean that he should forgo his need for some space. (I also told her that kids shouldn’t be screaming and yelling all the time, but that’s a topic for another post. 🙂

    This person felt that chaos was a natural part of having a large family. She is an extremely loving mother, but organization is a very weak point for her. Does having a family of any size mean chaos is inevitable? Are only born neatniks able to create a pleasant home environment with young children around, who are constantly undoing our work? It’s true that there can be lots of action, especially in a larger family, and often lots of noise, but a parent has to be able to channel it and keep it within a healthy limit for their family. I felt it was crucial for this mother to recognize that she needed to make an effort to learn new skills that would help her make her home a special place for all of her children, including this son. I told her it was very reasonable for her son to want some quiet space and privacy, and I thought it would be an important deposit of love to try to give him that.

    Now I know that some of you who aren’t naturally organized are starting to feel defensive about all of this. I don’t doubt that you are loving mothers and I’m not implying that they are going to suffer long term damage if you don’t get your home together. Don’t think that I live in a house that is pristine and sparkling at any given moment – actually, if I ever achieve pristine and sparkling, it lasts about two minutes. I’m not talking about becoming insistent that your home looks like children don’t live there. I don’t think that’s healthy or realistic. But it is beneficial to everyone to have a basic structure to your lives – regular mealtimes, bedtimes, and a home that is functionally neat (how you define that is up to you!). It is so much more pleasant for all of us to live in a home that is cared for. Most people enjoy the security of a predictable and reliable daily routine – eg, meals at basically the same time each day. Having a routine makes a lot of daily decision making unnecessary, or at the very least, not urgent. Piles of things everywhere you look, and clutter and mess all around lead most people to feel stressed and like they want to escape.

    But what do you do if you just aren’t a naturally organized person? Don’t feel this means that you are doomed, and you don’t need to bother trying to improve in this area. I think lots of us like to excuse ourselves for not making the effort to improve by telling ourselves, “I can’t, this is just the way I am.” Recognize that a person can learn new strategies if they are motivated to invest the time and effort. I have a very close friend who was a disaster organizationally, when she was first married; she was a free spirit by nature. Someone entering her home now would never guess that she struggled with this for years, since it always looks lovely when you drop in, and the home environment is calm and loving. I recently asked her what her incentive was to overcome the way she had been doing things all her life, because obviously, change that goes against how you’ve grown up is really hard. She told me that her husband was so unhappy with the mess that she committed to learning how to keep her home neat, because she wanted him to be happy in his home. Because she loved her husband so deeply, his happiness was a huge incentive to her.

    The first step to making a change is recognizing that what we are doing isn’t working, and being honest with ourselves about it, however hard it is to do. Don’t give away your power by telling yourself there’s nothing you can do that will make a difference. That will hold you back and keep you where you are right now. There are lots of strategies out there for developing home maintenance skills; many books on home organization have been written by reformed slobs who feel a sense of mission to help others who have struggled the way they did. Next time you are at the library, check out some books on the topic – I find that I often learn new and better ways to do things. Each thing may only be a small detail or tiny improvement (or it might not!), but every little step enhances the home environment, as well as our internal environment.

    Avivah

  • Young children and outside activities

    It’s interesting to look at what is the typical schedule of a young child now, and what it was twenty years ago. Now, it’s very, very common for even 2 – 4 year olds to have structured activities outside of the home, such as ballet, soccer, gymnastics, music. Many parents feel they are giving their kids a head start on their future, helping them to be competitive when they are older by starting younger. Others feel that the social aspect is what they are most interested in.

    For now, I’m just going to address the social aspect. How much do children need outside activities, or even play dates, to develop social skills? My position has shifted over time on this question. When my kids were very young, I didn’t even question the necessity of young kids spending lots of time in the company of their peers. That’s what everyone did, and I never thought to ask myself what kind of interactions young children were having, or what they were learning from one another.

    When I started homeschooling, I started thinking a lot more about what the benefit to kids is from their playmates, since my kids weren’t having the typical school experience. I didn’t want to deprive them – so would it be necessary for me to duplicate the social group opportunities found in school for my kids so that they would develop appropriately? Where do good social skills come from? Once I started thinking about that question, I realized how ridiculous it was to assume it came from being around lots of kids – obviously if that was the answer, every child in school would have fantastic social skills and loads of friends (which clearly isn’t the case).

    Generally group dynamics tend to be based on the pecking order, with kids competing to be the most popular, cool, etc, and minimizing others to raise their own standing. Parents and educators know that it’s what kids learn as part of a group that end up being the things you have to deal with and correct at home! If good social skills aren’t being learned from the group, how are they developed?

    Well, how do we learn anything? We need to know the basic principles involved in being successful and have lots of opportunities to watch someone successful use those skills. The ideal is to do something on our own, while having someone who is skilled in that area close by to guide us, and show us the tips along the way. Think of the apprentice/mentor model, which is amazingly effective.

    Now think about how a child can use the apprentice/mentor model to learn social skills. He needs to learn what good behavior/good social skills are, and see healthy social skills being practiced in a wide range of settings, while simultaneously being able to practice his fledgling skills with someone experienced close by to guide him. This means that the ideal place for a child to learn to interact with others is at home, not with a bunch of equally unskilled children.

    A child spending lots of time with his parents gets to see them model getting along with others in wide variety of situations. He gets to see mom on the phone, in the store, chatting with the supermarket checker and other customers, handling a difficult situation with a plumber, responding to telemarketers, relaxing with her friends, and of course, interacting with other family members. She shows him by her example what healthy social skills look like. Throughout the time a child is growing up, he is absorbing all of this, and trying it out for himself. The mom who is close by can immediately correct a child who isn’t acting in the right way, or positively reinforce the actions that she wants to see more of.

    A child in a group is getting feedback about how to act from others his age. Yes, there are some kids who are amazingly well balanced, but I wouldn’t put odds on those kids being the ones who are going to guide your child to becoming a healthy adult. And the social messages they are getting from the rest of them? No, thanks. I would much rather be the one guiding my child, wouldn’t you?

    I don’t believe a young child (6 and under) needs any outside social activities or even playdates, if his mother is home with him and interacts with him during the day, and especially if he has another sibling. We have been fed the idea that kids need to be around other very young children from the time they are babies. It’s become the norm since so many moms are at work and need daycare, and the philosophy to support it came along afterwards – ie, “Don’t worry about being away from your kids all day, because they are better off in their playgroup/nursery instead of being with mom.” Very simply, it eased parental guilt. The first problem is, studies don’t support this contention, and the second problem is that lots of moms who are at home have bought the myth.

    What kids do need (and this has been repeatedly established) is to be with their families; it is the custom made environment to help your child grow in every way. It doesn’t matter if the sibling is two years younger – he is learning important social skills by interacting with him. One young mother told me recently that she feels bad for her 3 year old son, having to play with his 2 year old brother, because they are such different personalities. She was wondering if she should move to a different neighborhood where there were more young children close by so that her oldest child would have his emotional needs met. I told her, his emotional needs are being met! He is better off in every way by being in a healthy home environment than by spending his days in nursery or preschool. It’s true, siblings many times wouldn’t choose each other as friends. But they are going to spend many years of their lives together, and all of those years will be so much better if they are taught how to be friends. That begins by giving them lots of opportunities to interact with each other, staying close by to moderate their behavior. (It isn’t fair for an older child to repeatedly have his tower torn down, his picture ripped up, or his hair be pulled – that’s why you need to be there, to stop behavior like that from the younger or older child, and keep their time together on an even keel.)

    The statistical likelihood of their nursery school playmate becoming a major part of his future is very, very tiny. The skills he learns even in guided play with a friend (which is a rare situation, unless you set it up yourself) are those even more effectively taught at home. I don’t know about you, but I feel that my time and energies are limited, and I want to invest my time as effectively as I can. That means using it in a way that brings me the highest returns – and teaching siblings to be kind to one another, interact respectfully, and get along in spite of their differences definitely brings high returns.

    I strongly suggest that if you do want to have play dates, a) you limit their frequency, b) have your kids’ friends over to your home, and c) keep them in your eyesight or earshot at all times. I don’t allow my young children to have friends over and to play in a different room with a door closed, or on a different floor of the house. It’s not a lack of trust; it’s simply the understanding that it puts them in a situation that they don’t yet have the inner reserves to handle well. And I’m not referring to more extreme examples, like kids acting out sexual behavior (which is becoming very, very common, even among young kids). I’m talking about a child impatiently raising her voice to her friend, threatening not to be her friend if she doesn’t do what she wants, or even taking every toy off the shelf and leaving the room they are playing in a disaster zone.

    When a child gets away with this kind of behavior at select times, like when she has a playdate, goes to a group activity, or goes to someone else’s home, it will influence them at other times, even when you are supervising closely. Be careful about providing lots of social opportunities that will undermine your goals as a parent. Most parents do it because they really believe it’s in the child’s best interest. I couldn’t disagree more.

    Avivah

  • Child upping the ante

    What do you do when you implement the steps I suggest when responding to bad behavior, and your child escalates the situation by refusing to do what you said? Many parents at this point might back down, thinking that it’s better to pick your battles and win the war. I couldn’t disagree more. By winning the small battles, you don’t end up with a war! (If the words battle and war bother you, substitute something else in your mind as you read!)

    Especially in the beginning, when you start having new expectations of your child, she is going to test you. In all likelihood, she is going to push back when you tell her to do something. When you make your next move, she will push back harder, upping the ante. Don’t let this scare you. Once this happens, moms start to doubt themselves, thinking, “Well, I really just wanted her to sit down/speak quietly/whatever. I’m not going to make a mountain out of a molehill. I’ll just let it go since it’s not worth the battle.” And then moms do something to try to gracefully exit the situation, so it won’t seem like she gave in. This is a huge mistake!!

    This is exactly the time you must be willing to follow through, no matter what the child does in response. If you don’t, she’s learned that if she pushes hard enough, you’ll back down. Even if you think you gracefully exited, your child is very clear that you gave in. Don’t get caught up in thinking that you are being unloving and rejecting, because this is what will keep you from doing what you need to do. It’s important to look past this two minute interaction to the bigger picture, and think about what is for her long term benefit. Do you think that your child is better off having to navigate through the waters of life without any guide to point the way? I think it’s unfair to expect a young child with no life experience to make the rules in the house – and there are always rules in a house. If a parent hasn’t set them, the child has.

    Believe it or not, I welcome battles, and I encourage you to consider adopting a similar attitude towards them. Why do I think it is such a good thing, instead of being afraid of them, or dreading the confrontation? Because I know they are an opportunity to re-clarify the expectations in our home, and that is exactly what is necessary if a child is questioning them. However, you won’t get this opportunity very often – because once a child knows you mean business, their desire to test you drops dramatically. A willingness to ‘battle’ by a loving and caring mom who values peace and harmony in the home shows her child you think this is so important that you will go the distance.

    I remember the first time I was willing to escalate with a child, one who was already almost my size (and I’m 5’9”!). He knew from experience that most of the time he would go along with me, and I wouldn’t make a big deal about the times he didn’t want to, because honestly, I didn’t know how to get a kid that old/big to do what I wanted if he didn’t feel like it. And I felt it wasn’t reasonable to expect him to always be respectful and listen, because after all, no one’s kids do, especially not preadolescents! After giving it a lot of thought over a period of time, I decided that it would be beneficial for the entire family if that changed, and below is the first major clash that followed my decision (I’m giving this for the sake of example, just to show how tough you need to be when you are first establishing new rules. This isn’t a step by step example of what to say or do.)

    This situation played out over a period of two hours (a younger child wouldn’t in all likelihood require this amount of time): ds was tapping a pencil and I asked him to stop. He refused. I told him to give me the pencil. He tossed it on the table in my direction. I told him that I had asked him to give it to me, not throw it. He gave it to me with an attitude. (Here is where most moms would stop – he stopped tapping and gave me the pencil, and they would feel it was out of their hands to do anything about the attitude. Some moms would go on to feel guilty that she put him in this situation, blame herself for what happened, and think what a good kid he was usually so she could feel good about letting it go. But the underlying attitude was the real source of the problem and would continue to be a problem, which is why I continued our interaction.) I told him that an attitude like that was not acceptable, and he would sit in the chair next to me while I worked in the kitchen until I said he could go, and I would only be able to tell him he could go when he demonstrated a cheerful and respectful attitude. He got up and tried to leave. I said he needed to sit down until I told him he could get up. He said he was going to bed. I told him that in our house, the rule is that children listen to and are respectful of parents, and as a child living in our home, he would need to act in accordance with that. His bed belonged to us, his sheets belonged to us, his pillow and blanket belonged to us, and even the floor in his room belonged to us – and he wouldn’t go to bed right then. He said he would leave the house (obviously thinking I wouldn’t call his bluff because it was so extreme). I said if he felt he couldn’t abide by our house rules, then that would be a good idea, and I would welcome him in when he showed that he understood our expectations and was willing to act in accordance with them. He stomped outside –and I knew he had no desire to be outside, and would try to get in through another door and sneak into his room to get around what I said. So I locked the door and waited – there was a window in the door, and I was working in that room where he could see me the entire time he was outside.

    All of this time, I was very calm and loving in the way I dealt with him. It’s really important that this is clear, because you must not have a screaming match, or let yourself get flustered. He got increasingly upset, but I didn’t raise my voice or respond accordingly, and continued to have positive feelings about him throughout it all. How was I able to stay calm and feel loving in such an inflammatory situation? I kept reminding myself that I wasn’t doing this for myself or my ego. It wasn’t about a power trip, it wasn’t about needing my child to jump to attention any time I cleared my throat. I was doing something difficult for me because I loved him enough to stretch myself for his benefit.

    After an hour outside (he sat on the porch furniture – don’t picture a kid left to wander the streets), he came to the door, and when I opened it, his attitude was entirely different. He apologized sheepishly but sincerely for his disrespect. But what was really amazing was the difference in him the next day. He was so loving, helpful, and responsive to everything I said, and much happier. I had known it would be good for him, but even I was surprised at how peaceful he seemed inside, at how he seemed grateful that he lost the battle and could now relax and just be the child. His behavior got dramatically better after that, and he has maintained it for the most part.

    So don’t worry so much about ‘choosing your battles’. (Of course, you must be reasonable in your expectations, as I’ve said before – that’s a prerequisite to good parenting. Don’t be a perfectionist and make your child crazy turning everything into an issue.) By responding strongly on a very few occasions in this way (winning the battles), and just continuing to be consistent in your expectations, you will have created an environment where you spend your time with your kids enjoying them, and them enjoying you, instead of getting wrapped up in regular power struggles. You won’t have to worry about winning the war, because there isn’t a need for a war – the kids already know you’re in charge.

    Avivah

  • Time outs

    Time outs are a popular way of handling misbehavior – the child does something wrong, so he is sent to his room. One popular guideline for how long to keep him in his room is one minute for every year of his age; is, a four year old would stay in his room four minutes, etc.

    What’s my position? We don’t do time outs – in my opinion, they are pointless since they don’t teach a child anything. I think they are popular because it makes parents feel they are responding in a concrete way, and most parents feel helpless to deal with misbehavior, so they grab onto this concept. But how many kids care about being in time out? Especially since time out is a puny amount of time in most cases. Why should they care? – it’s more rewarding to do what they want and get to stay in their rooms for four or five minutes. It simply doesn’t help a child understand clearly that his behavior is wrong. Not only that, it often breeds a feeling of resentment in the child as they wait in their room, feeling misunderstood and mistreated by their parents. So not only does a child not feel repentant, he often comes back into the room with his position more firmly established in his own mind.

    We used to do them and now I am strongly against them. (Interestingly, when we were talking about this a while back, my oldest ds said his perception when he was younger was that we always were angry and punishing him by putting him in his room for something. What made this so interesting is that I was sooo gentle and loving; like the poster parent for how to effectively use this technique. And now, my expectations of my kids are much higher, but my kids perceive me as being much more relaxed…)

    I do not bribe my kids. Never. I don’t threaten. If I say something needs to happen, it needs to happen. I don’t repeatedly warn them – “if you do this, I will do x; did you hear me? I will do x”.  If it’s something that I have addressed before, I don’t find it necessary to warn them each time what the consequences will be, because they have seen from the past what I will do. I try (I’m not a hundred percent in this, but I try!) to be reasonable in my expectations and consistent in my follow through – my kids know when I say something I mean it. I will take immediate action to show I mean it – and I stay calm and unflustered because I don’t wait until I’m frustrated about being ignored to start dealing with it.

    I can’t say I never raise my voice, but I don’t do it often. My kids don’t need to wait for me to get irritated, angry, or yell for them to know that it’s time to respond. Kids MUST learn to respect a mother’s authority, and it’s much easier to teach while they are young. Bribes, timeouts, reverse psych, threats, and similar strategies don’t address the deeper issue, that the child doesn’t think he needs to respect what his parent says, and can get around it. The parent plays the game on the child’s turf and thereby turns over their parental power to the child.

    Avivah

  • Consequences

    Many moms have a hard time thinking of the right consequence for misbehavior, and I also had a hard time with this for for a long time. Finally I changed the way I looked at it and thought about my goal. My goal is to teach my kids to act appropriately and to control themselves, not to worry so much about my exact response. I used to spend too much time trying to make the punishment fit the crime, so to speak. So now I don’t think about matching consequences to behavior; I think about what will help me teach them to do the right thing the next time the situation comes up. It might sound like it’s just semantics, but it’s actually a subtle but important shift in perspective.

    Something that I do alot is have the child repeat the behavior I want to see a number of times. I do it a number of times because one time doesn’t make an impression in the brain, but several times does. And it makes a conscious impression on them. Also, they change their own mood when they do this, because after a few minutes of this, they are all smiling and feeling cheerful since they start to feel silly. Eg: child slams door – go open and close door gently ten times; child raises voice – they need to repeat what they wanted to say in a respectful tone several times; child jumps on couch – they practice standing up and sitting down a number of times. I like this because I can clearly tell them it’s not about punishing them, it’s about helping them learn the right kind of behavior, and it resonates with them that it’s really what I am doing. They also don’t like having to do things so many times, so it’s a natural deterrent. For a child who hits sibling, I have a slightly different approach; I want them to actively do something to make the situation better – sometimes they have to play whatever the child they hurt wants to do for the period of time I set (usually 30 min, though a couple of times for my oldest I have made it one hour). Within a short time of playing together, both parties are feeling good about each other again.

    In all of these situations, I also take responsibility for not being close enough by to cut it short before it escalated. I don’t expect any parent to be around for every minute and catch every possible situation, but I know that when I stay close by, not much happens because I nip it in the bud. Also, older kids can be given a lot more leeway (assuming that you can trust them to act appropriately with one another when you’re not around) than a young child. The younger a child is, the closer to me I try to keep them. The younger kids aren’t usually allowed to play in a room out of my sight, because I know that young children need the constant guidance and instruction on how to act. When they don’t have your guidance, that’s when problems occur!

    edit – I realized after posting that what is older for one family isn’t the same for another, and this could lead to some confusion. When I said older kids get more leeway, I mean ages ten and above, maybe 8 for a super well behaved child, can be given more space. A four year old really needs to be in the same room as you all the time.

    Avivah