Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Are older parents more confident?

    When it’s been debated if it’s better for women to begin having children when they are younger or older, I’ve often heard that the advantage of younger mothers is more energy, but that older mothers have more wisdom.  Is this true?  Well, in some ways, yes.  An older mother has more life experience, and ideally, by the time she becomes a parent, she has a strong sense of who she is.  However, if an older mother has more perspective and maturity doesn’t mean that they will be more confident in their parenting.  After all, it’s their first time being a mother, and every new stage brings up new issues.  All new mothers are facing the same challenges. 

    I got married young, so I had my first baby when I was young, too!  People are often surprised when they meet me to find out that I have eight kids – or if they know how many kids I have, are surprised to find out how old I am.  (Since I know it’s hard to read something like that without knowing the numbers, I just turned 34 several days ago. :)) Not that I look especially young for my age, just I guess they expect me to look much older.  And they always seem to end their series of exclamations with, “Eight kids!  (shake head) And you still look so happy!” – as if I should look like a miserable hag because I have a large family.

    I’m a pretty confident parent, but my age doesn’t have anything to do with how confident I am or not.  The moms who are older than me who have asked me for feedback, have asked because my kids were older than theirs and I had dealt with things they were just getting to.  Whatever confidence I have in this area is a result of experience, of over fourteen years of being a parent, of thinking through issues, educating myself, and learning, learning, learning.  

     Every child comes with their own personality, and I’ve learned something from them all.  And I keep learning all the time – I think life is a process of striving to always learn more and be more, and parenting is certainly like that.  I don’t claim to have all the answers and I’m always open to finding a better way to approach issues that may arise.  Confidence about who you are (as a parent or anything else) is more a result of being clear in who you are and what your values are, of working towards your goals and seeing them actualized, than of an arbitrary number. 

    Avivah

  • Happy birthday to me!

    Today I slept in late and ds8 came up to wake me up so I would eat breakfast with them.  I noticed a good smell in the air and commented on it to ds, and he said, “It’s just oatmeal.”  Right away I thought something must be going on since it sure didn’t smell like oatmeal to me, and when I got downstairs, I was immediately greeted by all of the kids standing together behind a large ‘Happy birthday’ sign, singing ‘Happy birthday to you.”  It was very sweet.  Then they guided me to the table, and there was a tray with a special breakfast prepared, and very artistically displayed, too! 

    Today was also the last day to renew my driver’s license, and since dh wasn’t home to watch the kids and ds14 was in school, I took them all with me.  Sounds like fun, right, spending the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Administration with a bunch of kids?  Before we left home, I suggested that they bring whatever academic work they were in the middle of  as well as something to read.  After I got there and received my number, I looked around the stuffy, crowded room, and knew I had to find somewhere better to wait.  So we went outside, looking for somewhere we could sit down together.  We were very fortunate to find a picnic table (which turned out to be the outdoor smoking area) where they were able to do their academics, and since it was slightly set back from the parking lot and sidewalk, there was a place for ds19 months to run around.  The kids enjoyed running back to the main building every 15 minutes or so to see what number they were up to.  After about 2 hours and fifteen minutes, I decided to go in and everyone trooped in with me. 

    Bringing lots of children to a child-unfriendly place like the MVA is definitely a good strategy for getting lots of attention.  🙂   The kids were very patient and we were called fairly soon after we came in.  The woman who was helping me had commented favorably on the kids, as did her coworkers.  They were impressed by how well behaved they all were.  But then I was informed that since my social security number was still in my maiden name (just never got around to changing it :)), I couldn’t renew my license and would have to come back another day (they said it was something new instituted about two years ago, which is why I’ve had a license without any problems until now).

    Then the woman took another look at the kids, and told her coworker that she wasn’t willing to tell me to come in after all the kids waited patiently for so long, and they conferred to find a way to do the license today.  Then they called over some more people (I was wondering what the people in the waiting area were thinking as five people simultaneously left their cubicles to come to where I was), and finally a supervisor did an override and told me they would give me the license along with a strong suggestion that I take care of the name change right away.  So it ended up that it was only because the kids were with me that I didn’t need to come back! 

    When we got home the kids right away went to do some arts and crafts for, I thought, the puppet show they’ve been preparing. When dinnertime came, I was surprised to see a pile of beautiful cards next to my plate, with sweet messages on each.  Here’s what my 8yos wrote:

    “Dear Mommy,

     Happy birthday.  I think you are the best mother in the world so I made a poem about it. 

    ‘Most mothers are mean

    and really junky

    but our mother is nice

    and really fun and funky.’ ” His first poem.  🙂

    Dh got home late and was disappointed to find that dinner was ready – he was planning to make a special birthday dinner and had come home late because he stopped at a store to buy the ingredients.   But I think that the thought is what counts! 

    Despite the photo for my license being worse than any picture I’ve ever had taken in my life, it’s been a lovely day!    Who would have thought that a day spent at the MVA could be so pleasant? 

    Avivah

  • Choosing appropriate punishments

    (continued from yesterday’s post) 

    “How do you choose the appropriate punishment?”

    I used to tie myself into mental knots trying to figure out just the right punishment.  Too often, I couldn’t think of the right response and I would delay responding (or not respond at all because of my unsureness) or would overreact out of my lack of confidence in my approach.  Now I don’t.  I’ve found the approach of using logical (not natural) consequences is pretty straightforward and doesn’t require too much creativity, usually.  For example, above, I tell the whining child no more talking.  The child who repeatedly leaves his things out wouldn’t be allowed to use those items for a certain amount of time, someone who kicked would have his shoes taken off, etc.  But if I can’t think of something logical fast enough, then I’ll choose something else whether the child can see a direct connection or not. Most commonly it would be, ‘come stay next to me for a while since it looks like it will help you if you have me nearby to remind you about how to __________ (restrain yourself, use nice words, whatever your issue is).”   It’s a nice way to say it but my kids know it means they’ve lost the privilege of playing out of my sight by their actions.

    Something else I do often is have the child practice the appropriate behavior several times, to help them integrate it. If a child jumps on the couch, I would have him sit down and get up a number of times (not just once).  If a child told me ‘no’, I would tell them we’re going to replay the scene, and this time they would respond by pleasantly saying, Yes, mommy” (or something like that).  I would then repeat my request, and the child would respond (usually the first time they say the words with a bad attitude).  Then I would repeat my request, and remind them about the tone and the words.   Then I would do that several times. It’s not to make them crazy, it’s not to punish them – it’s to teach them proper behavior, and actively guide them in practicing it several times.

    When a parent’s focus is on punishment, there’s a punitive and negative mindset.  I try to focus on discipline as correction for the sake of the child’s long term good.  By reframing how I look at the situation, even if it’s just changing the words that I speak or think, it helps me keep a positive perspective.

    Avivah

  • Dealing with defiance

    >Today my oldest (4 1/2) started whining and acting not nicely. I told her she needed to go to her room and when she was ready, she could come out. She said, “no”.   I didn’t react well as I felt like she was being defiant to my face.  And, I felt like I didn’t have anything to punish her with.  I seriously did not know how to react properly. I reacted poorly and escalated the whole thing more than it needed to be – not b/c what she had initially done but b/c she continued to be defiant and wouldn’t listen. How do you choose the appropriate punishment?  How do you stay calm in situations like this one? I feel horrible for the way I acted/over re-acted and for the way the whole thing spiraled out of control. <<

    Let’s start at the beginning, to when your daughter first started whining. At that point, I would have directly addressed the whining, since that’s the first thing she did that was upsetting to you – I would not send her to the room.   (I’m not a proponent of sending kids to their room since it doesn’t address the heart of the issue, which is their inner attitude.)  I would tell her as soon as she started whining that if there’s something that she wants to say, she can, but it needs to be with a pleasant voice. Then I would have her practice using a pleasant voice to say whatever she was trying to say.   If she whines in the future, do the same thing: immediately have her use her pleasant voice. If she refuses to speak nicely and escalates the situation, then tell her since she’s having a hard time speaking nicely, she can stay quiet until she can speak nicely.   And if she persisted in escalating the situation, I would tell her that since it’s hard for her to remember not to whine, she needs to put her hand over her mouth to help her remember.

    While this is happening, though, it’s important that you stay warm and loving.  Keep her close to you during this entire time; don’t think that because she’s not whining that she should go play on her own.  Take some time to connect on a heart level with her, to keep the bonds between you strong. This is a big part of why I feel I can be pretty strong (people looking in on the outside who didn’t see the big picture might think it was overly strict) when I need to and my kids don’t usually perceive it as punitive – because I’ve made an effort to keep our relationships strong and they know they’re loved.

    Responding right away to the first thing that she did that needed correction would have avoided the entire scenario above, and the it wouldn’t have turned into a power struggle.   I say that because lots of times parents overreact to situations because they feel helpless, so then they get more upset than they would if they felt they knew how to handle the situation. By interacting with her from a position of confidence and inner strength, you’ll feel loving and calm when you discipline her. To be continued tomorrow…. 🙂

    Avivah

    PS – thank you, R, for your patience in waiting for this response!  🙂

  • Swaddling babies

    This post is one I’ve been wanting to write for over four weeks now! 

    Before my 18 month old was born, a friend lent me a book, The Happiest Baby on the Block, that detailed the benefits of swaddling.  I liked what he had to say about a baby feeling more cozy and secure when swaddled, but when the baby was born, I just couldn’t seem to successfully swaddle him and keep him swaddled – an arm always seemed to be poking up a minute after I wrapped him. So after trying a number of times and not having any success, I gave it up.

    Fast forward 17 months.  The day after this baby was born, a friend gave me a swaddling blanket, and it has been fantastic!  I really marvel at what a difference it makes when the baby is swaddled and when he isn’t.  He sleeps much longer, and cries much less.  Three nights ago, the swaddler went into the wash.  I was waiting for it to be washed, and didn’t use it for the first night.  The baby was awake at least six times that night.  The next night, I still didn’t see the swaddler in the clean clothes basket, so again, I couldn’t use it.  The same thing – he slept fitfully and woke up a number of times.  Yesterday afternoon, I mentioned to one of my girls that I really needed the swaddler, and she told me it had been put away in his drawer with his clean clothes two days before!  Anyway, last night was sooo wonderful – he slept all night with just one early morning feeding.  This isn’t the first time that we’ve seen a noticeable difference when he’s swaddled properly. 

    We’ve swaddled him at times during the day when he was crying, and he stopped right away.  I told my husband that seeing the difference makes me wonder what our other babies would have been like if swaddled, since I would classify this baby (when swaddled :)) as calm and easy going.  I’ve had my share of very challenging babies!

     So is the magic in the special blanket?  No, I don’t think so.  But I do think that it makes it much easier to do, especially since most baby blankets aren’t the right size or material to use as swaddlers.  My 7 yod prefers to swaddle him with a regular baby blanket, and she’s much better at wrapping him than I am!  But for me, the swaddler has been a lifesaver.

    Avivah

  • Deck building

    So often I think about posting but life is so busy that I just don’t get around to it!! This is the busiest time of year for me, and this year is busier than usual with our newest arrival taking up time and attention.  🙂

    Today was my official due date – it’s so nice that the baby has been a member of the family almost three weeks already, instead of waiting and wondering when he would be born.   Since I didn’t have to spend energy on wondering and waiting, I was able to move on to something else that I had been thinking about for quite a while. :)))

    I’ve been wanting to build a deck for the past year, and had planned it for a summer project with my kids.  I thought it would be especially nice since we would have a sturdy surface to put up the new easily assembled kind of blow up pool and the kids could enjoy water play in the hot weather.  But when the oldest two kids suddenly ended up going to sleep away camp for a month, I shelved the plans for this year – it seemed like too much to take on in the eighth month of pregnancy, in the heat of the summer, without two of the most capable workers. 

    My husband has been against this idea since I first brought it up, and didn’t get more receptive to it as time went on.  🙂  He felt that I have so much to do that he didn’t want to see me take on another big project.  I explained to him a couple of months ago that I like having something to do, but he was happy when I realized that the deck was too big a project for me at that time and stopped thinking about it.

    What does this have to do with anything right now?  Well, yesterday afternoon I had this sudden idea that we could build the deck (freestanding platform style) before my husband came home today at 4 pm.  I knew he would be happy to have it done, and if he didn’t know we were doing it, he wouldn’t worry that I was doing too much so soon after birth.  I discussed the possibility with the kids, who were very enthusiastic, but told them my concerns about the very tight time frame we would be working under.  When I first thought about building it, I planned to allot a week to get it done – and now I was giving us a day!  I talked to them about what would have to be done in what order, and the importance of being focused on our tasks.  They realized that I wouldn’t be able to physically help them with the building (it being so soon after birth), and the actual work would all be up to them – I would just direct them.  Since I had read books about deck building several months ago, I knew what we needed to do and we didn’t need to spend much time thinking about it or researching – we just had to work out the size and layout we wanted.

    The kids really wanted to do it so that we could use it for Sukkos (last year we were on the dirt and when it rained, it became mud; not so pleasant) and eagerly agreed to take on the challenge, and boy, they are an amazing team!  It was very sweet to see all six of them (oldest ds wasn’t home at first) all working together – hammering, unscrewing, etc- even my 17 month old was in on the action – he found a large bolt and used it as a hammer to bang on the wood alongside his older siblings.  When ds14 got home, he jumped right in to help.

    We decided on a deck that would be 16.5 feet by almost 13 feet, eight inches off of the ground.  (Because it is freestanding, we didn’t have to worry about digging foundations or applying for permits, both potentially a big concern.)  Since we were using lumber for the frame that we collected a few months ago from a deck someone was dismantling, it took significantly more time to assemble than it would have if we had just purchased exactly the lumber we needed from the store.  But the boards were already in the yard, and it was a good feeling to finally put them to use. 

    We didn’t actually manage to finish everything before my husband got home, but we did have the entire frame finished by then, and I came home from the lumber yard with the final load of wood to cover the frame with right after dh got home.  He literally was speechless – he couldn’t believe that we thought of the idea and gotten so much done in the day that he was gone.  The kids at first couldn’t tell how he felt about it, because he just kept saying how shocked he was – so finally ds8 asked if he was happy about it.  And dh told him he just couldn’t believe it, that he thought it was amazing.

    Tomorrow morning the kids plan to finish attaching the surface boards – most of them are down, but all of them aren’t yet screwed into place.  Since I have alot of other things I need to do tomorrow (being erev Sukkos), they decided they want to wake up early so they can finish it by 11 am or so before they need to get to their other tasks.  It has been exciting for them to watch the deck take form and know that they have really made this crazy idea happen in time to use for our sukka this year. 

    I strongly believe in giving kids opportunities to stretch themselves.  As parents, we can’t give our children confidence or self esteem, but we can give them experiences that have the potential to build an inner confidence.  When kids successfully accomplish something that feels significant to them,  they feel more confident and that confidence will carry over into many other areas of life.

    Avivah

  • Labor Day activities

    We had a nice full day yesterday.  We started off by starting to finish off organizing all the boxes of clothes, but then needed to leave to a community fix up day.  We were there for several hours (not dh and ds14), and got a lot done.  Well, I didn’t do much except watch ds17 months while the kids worked.  I feel that volunteering is an important thing for the kids to participate in, to see how they can help others with their time and energy.  They are able to realize that they can help make a difference even if they are kids!  Not that many people showed up, maybe because it was Labor Day.  One of the organizers came over to ask if he could give the older girls a brand new stereo he had forgotten was there in the storage area they were clearing out, so I said it was fine.  I didn’t realize that he really meant a stereo system!  (Apparently he bought a load of 50 at an auction, sold a bunch, bartered a bunch more for a vehicle, and forgot that he had stored three more away.)  It is really nice, but really big!  So they ended up setting it up in the basement instead of their room, where everyone can enjoy it.

    Straight from there I took ds to a dentist appt – his dentist was very generous in offering to stay late so he could see ds, since he knew that I made the appt seven weeks ago but then got the school calendar and found out they would be having school at the time of the scheduled appt.  The entire building where the dentist was located was locked, but we found an unlocked stairwell and went up.  There was just one problem – I couldn’t remember what floor the dentist was on, so at each floor, we walked around to see if he was there, then went back up the next flight of stairs.  He was on the fifth floor – I was finding it kind of amusing picturing myself going up all these stairs (while having lots of strong Braxton Hicks), as fast as I could (which isn’t very fast at this point 🙂 because I didn’t want to be late. 

    Right after the dentist, ds and I went to the memorial service for a friend’s 20 year old daughter, who was tragically killed in a car accident.  She was a very special young lady, who left an unusually large amount of good memories behind for someone that age (or even someone 20 years older). 

     Once I got home, I wanted to get back to the job of organizing all those clothes boxes we started on earlier, but got sidetracked when we went to set up the new stereo in the basement.  When I got down there, I saw it needed some major reorganizing, so we got to work to get that done.  I was pretty wiped out by dinner time!

    I was joking to ds14 that it would be a good day to give birth, due to the name of the day, but that didn’t happen.  🙂   I actually expected that it would, due to some signs and strong feelings about it, but those feelings shifted to anxiety when I found out my midwife was an hour and a half away and wouldn’t be back until 8 am.  And since dh had to leave for work at 6 am, it didn’t seem like a good time. 🙂  People don’t realize what a major part emotions play in giving birth or going into labor.  A woman who feels emotionally ready will let go and labor can progress, but many times labor will stall or stop entirely when something happens to interrupt her feeling of security.

     As for those boxes of clothes – that became today’s job!  We have a few boxes left that were in the room where our toddler was sleeping that we didn’t yet get to, but otherwise, all the others in the house have been moved to the attic.  So hopefully I can get it all finished up today.  Though there’s always more to get done, this is a big project that I will be glad to know is finished, and will give everyone more space in their rooms, while making it easier for everyone to find/put away clothes that they are growing into or out of.

     Avivah

  • Love is the key

    A couple of months ago, within a couple of days I had three separate conversations with three different moms in which I was asked for suggestions on how to deal with parenting challenges they were having. The ages ranged from toddlers through adolescence, but my parenting philosophy is the same for everyone, it’s just the specifics that change.

    Afterwards I was concerned that these parents might take my suggestions and apply them without the inner love towards their child that makes the crucial difference in how the rules are perceived. Parenting isn’t black and white, though when listening to specific parenting suggestions, it’s easy to think it’s just a matter of following a formula and then you’ll get results. But it’s not – it’s a matter of the heart. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of just following the instructions on how to raise your child, but when we do, we risk damaging our relationships as we place rules above people’s feelings and needs. I was afraid these parents were going to take a hard line approach with their children as a result of our conversations (I stressed with them the importance of clarifying limits and expectations) but that shouldn’t include a hard line attitude (though I repeatedly stressed this, I didn’t feel that it was absorbed the way the action suggestions were).

    There are steps that I suggest parents take to get back on track with their children, to turn things around in the right direction (and they are the things that I would do, too), but I don’t want to leave anyone with the impression that it’s all orders and strictness around here. It’s not, and I wouldn’t want it to be for anyone else either. When the boundaries are clarified with love, it leaves most of the time together with our children available for enjoyable and loving interactions.

    I’ve fallen into the trap of leaning too heavily on my authority and not having enough understanding of the individual child while insisting things be done a certain way, and it’s damaging in the long and short term to interact with our children like this. Actually, what prompted this post now is that a couple of weeks ago I realized that I was doing that with a particular child. I noticed lessening receptiveness to what I said and increasing friction in our interactions. After a few days, I realized this negativity was becoming somewhat regular, and it made me sit back and think about where it was coming from and why it was happening. Though it was unpleasant to realize, I had to honestly admit to myself that I was being too demanding in certain situations with this child.

    I then made the conscious effort to get myself back into a good space, speaking from love and not speaking at all unless there was love in my heart, and almost immediately, the friction faded away. Parenting is more than barking orders and expecting immediate compliance from our children. Parenting isn’t mainly about the rules, it’s about the spirit and attitude that we apply them with, as well as the relationships we build with our children when we interact with them.

    Remember: we can’t insist on our children showing respect for us and forget that we need to show them respect, too.

  • Teaching independence and older kids

    Hooray – my kitchen sink is finally fixed!!! It’s been a problem for a week now, something was wrong with the garbage disposale and dh wasn’t home long enough to fix it before the weekend. Yesterday morning he took the entire thing apart, but didn’t have time to put it together before he had to go to work. Do you know how fun washing dishes in a plastic box only about 1.5 times bigger than a shoebox is (because that was all I had to use in place of a dishpan)? It was really a huge effort to get the dishes done, since it meant going back and forth every few minutes to dump out the dirty water, rinsing the washed dishes, then back to dump the water again. It really makes me think about how easy we have it nowadays, and appreciate a tiny bit how much harder our ancestors had to work than we do.

    To continue with the examples I promised yesterday on older kids, here you are!

    I began teaching my kids to cook (at the stove) when they were 5 – 7. A friend once told me she didn’t feel it was safe for her daughter to learn to cook (at the time she was 8 yrs. old and it came up because she cooked with my girls when she came to visit, and was so excited and kept saying she couldn’t believe she was really cooking something). I suggested that instead of just refusing to allow her daughter access to the kitchen because of her concerns, she address the issue directly and show her daughter how to be safe when cooking (for example, her daughter had long hair, so she could have shown her how to pull her hair up so it wouldn’t be a fire hazaard, and initially stayed with her while she cooked).

    My oldest son (he’ll be 14 tomorrow :)) has independently done a huge amount of work to finish our attic. His ability to do this didn’t happen overnight and didn’t magically appear out of nowhere. I initially worked with him and showed him how to hang drywall, dh showed him how to use power tools. As he got more and more comfortable with the skills necessary, I gave him more leeway. Now he goes up to the attic when he has time and desire and does whatever he does, and I just go admire all of his work at the end of the day. This could never happen if I didn’t help him learn to be capable and safe early on in the process, and trust he was inherently competent.

    Kids have an innate need to explore their environment and it’s stifling and unhealthy to make things forbidden. Sometimes as parents it’s easier (in the short term) to just say ‘no’ instead of taking the time to teach them to do what they want to do safely. But in the long run, it’s detrimental and just makes life harder for both the child and parents.

    Avivah

  • Stair climbing and teaching independence

    Someone commented about the danger involved in allowing a baby to be in a home with stairs and no safety gate, which I didn’t agree with. Here’s my position:

    I don’t think it’s a dangerous situation for a baby to be in a home with stairs, just dangerous to be in a home with stairs without being allowed to learn to safely climb them. I’ve lived in houses with stairs for my last three babies, never used a safety gate, and haven’t found this to be a concern. The way I deal with it may not be typical, but it works well for us and we’ve never had a baby fall down the stairs.

    As soon as a baby shows signs of readiness to climb the stairs, I let him, staying close by (right behind him) in case he slips. As he gets more experienced, I give him more and more leeway (eg, staying within a step or two but not immediately behind him), until I’m confident that he can safely climb by himself. This doesn’t take a very long time, but does require the willingness to invest the time to help your baby become safely independent. My baby is now 15 months, and regularly climbed to the next floor without anyone around by the age of 12 months (probably earlier, I just can’t remember those kind of specifics).

    This is reflective of my general approach to parenting, which is to help my kids navigate new situations by staying close in the beginning while allowing them to explore, and decreasing my presence/ help until they are ready to be independent. This applies as much to babies (eg, teaching them not to swallow small items by giving them the opportunity to learn to discriminate) as it does to older children (there are lots of life lessons then!).

    I try not to say no just because I can picture something going wrong. Instead, I think about how to make the situation emotionally comfortable for me without stifling the child’s need to explore his environment. This process doesn’t stop, it’s ongoing as kids get older. My kids have a pretty good level of competence in many areas because I’ve given them room to develop competence, but that has never meant taking a hands off attitude and letting whatever happens, happen.

    (I’ll continue in my next post with some examples of how this has played out with older kids.)

    Avivah