Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Transitioning from a crib

    Lots of parents wonder about when the right time is to transition their young children from a crib to a toddler/regular bed. I don’t think there is any right age for this, though most people say it was easier for them sooner rather than later. Personally, I think most of our kids have switched from one to another between 18 – 24 months and it worked fine for us.

    The hard things about switching your child to a new sleeping situation are: a) getting them to go to sleep; and b) keeping them in bed.

    A) You can’t make a child go to sleep, and it’s to be expected that they will find a new bed exciting enough to keep them awake – especially if they will now be in the same room as a sibling. I don’t mind if my kids talk after lights out, as long as they keep their voices down. Usually they wind down on their own, so I don’t find that they overstimulate each other so much that it gets problematic. But we also have a winding down routine prior to getting into bed. For us, we do nightly read alouds together (yes, even the older kids!), which everyone listens to and gets them to slow down and sit quietly, which is a natural lead in to sleep. Every family will find the rituals that they enjoy, but whatever it is, when done regularly, the kids will just expect it. So set up a relaxing evening routine – baths, stories, slow music – whatever works well for you.

    If my kids were keeping each other awake and I felt it was a problem, I would just sit in the room with them and immediately put my finger to their lips and make a gentle shushing sound the minute they opened their mouths to speak. When I first sat down with them, I would let them know that it’s time for sleep, and say something like, “I know you love to talk and tomorrow you will have plenty of time for that. I want you to have lots of energy for our fun day tomorrow and if you stay up late talking you’re going to be too tired to enjoy it.” By nighttime, kids really are worn out, and enforced silence for a period of time means that they will have the chance to relax enough to go to sleep.

    B) So how do you get them to stay in bed, once they realize they have the freedom to get out when they want? I remember my second child literally getting out of bed twenty times the first night she was in her new bed. Yes, that was very frustrating for me. I didn’t know how to appropriately handle it and prevent the situation from escalating in the first place. Now that would never happen, because I would stay close by, knowing that she will need help learning the rules of sleeping in a bed. The lights would be out, and as soon as she would move her leg to the side of the bed to start to get up, I would tap it gently and say, “No getting up now, it’s time for sleep.” Again, if you are right there, she is not going to be able to come out even once, let alone twenty times. And she will fall asleep relatively quickly once the stimulus of being able to independently explore her room at night is removed.

    Avivah

  • Reinforcing your requests to your child

    I thought I had posted steps for how to handle reinforcing your requests to your child, but just checked the archives and realized that I’ve written it on parenting boards and in private emails but not here! So I will give an example of my general approach here. (For the person to whom I promised to post about transitioning to a crib: I wrote the post yesterday and my system froze so it was lost – I will rewrite it and post it in the next couple of days. Please forgive the delay.)

    I’ve already said how important it is to be clear about what you want your child to do. This means that you need to be crystal clear in your own mind about what you want – don’t skip this! Once you’ve decided what kind of behavior is acceptable and not acceptable in your home, and your child crosses you, what do you do?

    Let’s take the example of a child hitting a sibling, since it’s so common and makes parents furious! Usually what happens? You don’t do anything until after the child has hit his sibling. Instead of waiting for your child to hit the sibling, and then responding to the incident, you want to preempt the behavior from the beginning. That means you are going to stop him before he hits his baby brother.

    How can you stop him? Make sure he stays in your presence – and I don’t mean only the same room. Glue him to your side if necessary. When you wash dishes or cook, have him busy in the kitchen with you. When he is playing with his cars on the floor, you are sitting close by on the couch. You want to catch him as he is about to do the behavior you have forbidden, and the only way to intercept him is to be there.

    The idea is not only to physically prevent him from hurting his brother all the time, but to help him learn that you won’t tolerate it and change how he thinks about his actions. In the first case, it will only work when you are there to stop him, and your eventual goal is to help him develop an internal awareness of what is acceptable behavior, not just the short term goal of stopping the hurting. You are waiting for him to reach his hand out to hurt the baby, and when you see him start to stretch his hand out, you will swiftly catch him hand and strongly tell him, “No hurting!” No yelling will be necessary, and you will be feeling calm because you know you are taking steps to address the situation proactively instead of just reacting to what is already done.

    You will need to do this regularly and consistently so that your child gets the clear message that he’s not going to get away with this. His behavior should improve quickly. Remember, though, that you don’t want to be the punitive parent, always looking for your child to do something wrong. What are you going to be doing with your child so close by, for all of that time when he isn’t about to misbehave? You are going to be actively building the relationship. Play, talk, read – this builds the bonds of love between you both, and gives you a solid platform to discipline from. This is really, really important – don’t skip building the relationship and make your child feel you are like a policeman, watching him every second for any tiny misdeed. That would be a total misunderstanding of what I’m suggesting.

    I know that most moms will say that it’s too hard for them to keep their child close by for so long. Here’s something to think about: would you rather spend your time working on prevention or putting out fires? I’m a believer in prevention being worth more than the cure. Wouldn’t you rather not get sick in the first place than need to have any kind of treatment for it, even if the treatment is relatively pleasant?

    By taking this kind of action, you are eliminating the need for extensive discipline further down the road. Whatever action you want to correct, you are basically going to swiftly and firmly let him know isn’t going to go over with you. I don’t want to share too many specifics because I know people get hung up on the exact how (I’m often asked what exact consequence to give), and it’s the process that I want you to understand. (Some general suggestions of things we have done: remove him from the area, take away what he is using wrongly, have him sit/stand for a certain period of time, have him practice the kind of behavior you want to see for several times.) Once you understand the approach, you can tailor the exact response to your personality.

    Avivah

  • Testing limits (continued)

    Sometimes a child will be really well behaved for a period of time, and then starts to misbehave. The parent doesn’t understand what has happened to her perfect child. What has usually happened is the parent is initially consistent in her reponses, and the child acts accordingly. Bit by bit she slacks off in her supervision of the child since she feels he doesn’t need that kind of oversight anymore, and they start to act out more and more, seeing that their mom isn’t doing anything about it. They want to see if you are going to loosen the reigns, or if you are going to stand firm on what you claim are your standards.

    Sometimes moms are too ‘nice’ and their children learn quickly that they can manipulate them and take advantage of them, by acting out to get what they want, knowing mom isn’t going to respond strongly. This is especially common with moms who have ignored small incidents of testing, thinking they are too insignificant to respond to.

    It’s not irrelevant where the behavior is coming from, but it’s a lot less important than most parents think. Many parents analyze themselves and their children, questioning and doubting themselves, worrying that the child is acting like this because of inner turmoil or emotionally challenging times. It’s generally true that parents will see more testing behavior at times like these, since that’s when a parent is preoccupied with other things and therefore inconsistent – before or after a baby is born, when moving, etc. Especially at times like this, children need the stability of you being there, knowing that you aren’t going to blow with the wind. As someone said to me years ago, “A child needs to know when he leans on the wall that it’s not going to fall down.”

    Avivah

  • Four year old testing limits

    There is a point where every child is going to test you, and see if you really mean what you say. This happens with older infants, toddlers, young children – all the way up through the teenage years. How much of an issue this is in your life throughout your years of parenting will depend on how clear and decisive you are in your day to day responses to the way your child behaves. Episodes of testing should only happen rarely, and if it’s happening more often than that, then you haven’t been clear in communicating that you are serious about your expectations to your child.

    Lots of parents insist that they have let their child know very clearly what they want, but the truth is, if your words aren’t followed up by action, it won’t mean much. If you say you’re on a diet, and your kids watch you eating chocolate all day long, they know that your words and actions aren’t lined up. Similarly, when parents tell their kids, “No yelling” but then do nothing about it when the children yell, they’ve shown that what they say isn’t meant to be taken seriously.

    A child who is testing you is a child who is asking you to clarify what you really mean when you tell him what you want. Every child needs to see that his parent is going to consistently reinforce the standards he has established in the home. It makes a child feel both powerful (in an unhealthy way – which is scary for him) and unsafe to be the one who decides what he can do. He wants you to be in charge – with love and respect for him, of course – but he doesn’t want to be the boss. He knows he is just a kid (this is especially true of older kids who seem to want to be in charge), and it’s a relief for your children that you are acting like the parent. They need to know that they can trust you to respond reliably and predictably.

    Here are a few basic guidelines:
    – Be clear in letting your kids know what appropriate behavior in your house should look like.
    – Be immediate in your response to something that you find inappropriate.
    – Be consistent – if you respond the same way every time, you are going to drastically reduce the amount of testing in your home. Don’t constantly doubt the way you do things; your ambiguity will come through loud and clear to your children. Think about what is is that you want, and then follow through.

    Are you giving warnings or reminders instead of actively responding to the behavior, hoping that she will do what you say so that you won’t need to deal with it? Sometimes we let things slide, figuring that is isn’t a big enough deal to merit doing anything about it. I see this all the time in public – parents giving their children repeated warnings, and it’s clear to even me, as a casual bystander, that the parent isn’t going to do anything except continue repeating his demand that the child act nicely.

    Anecdotally, a few weeks ago, my kids went somewhere with their grandparents, and when my ten year old came back she told me, “There was a little girl there and her mother told her to stop acting up or they would go home, and then little girl did the same thing, and she actually took her home! I couldn’t believe that someone except you actually disciplines their children!” I asked her why that was such a big deal, and she said, “Because I’m used to seeing kids who don’t listen to their parents.” Even young kids on the outside looking in can see clearly the difference between a parent who means what she says and one who doesn’t.

    I’ll continue with this more tomorrow – I fell asleep early in the evening for a few hours, so I am up later than usual, but now I need to get to bed!

    Avivah

  • Preparing for birthdays

    Food prepared with love has an amazing power to give a special message, to say I love you and I care about you. Home cooking really is better lots better than store bought stuff, and it doesn’t take nearly as long as people think to cook from scratch, especially when you are organized. And you don’t need to cook with lots of sugar and unhealthy fats to make things taste good!

    Today we are getting ready for my mom’s birthday. Our family custom is to make a special meal for the person having a birthday, and this will be her first birthday she is spending with us. Sometimes we make a breakfast, sometimes a dinner, sometimes a cake – it depends on the kind of food that the person we are surprising likes.

    We will be making creamy vegetable soup, biscuits, baked fish, salad, and lemon meringue pie for a family dinner together. She is dieting so we don’t want to make food she wouldn’t want to have. Not that lemon meringue pie is exactly dieter’s fare, but it’s something that she will enjoy enough to make it worth her ‘points’ (she does Weight Watchers). A friend from overseas will be in town for a couple of days, and is making time in his busy schedule to come by, so we should have some yummy leftovers to serve him when he gets here.

    We actually have some other good leftovers from oldest dd’s bas mitzva party on Sunday night. We don’t make yearly parties, and this was a very special event for her – it was a huge success and everyone had a great time. Dd really felt loved and was so happy about how it all went. She spent hours with me in the kitchen preparing for it – we made macaroni and cheese (I have a recipe that her Girl Scout troop raved over several years ago), lasagna, veg. platter with dips, and garlic bread. We made more desserts than we really needed, just to have a nice selection – the visual centerpiece was a chocolate cherry trifle, then pumpkin doodles, peanut butter diamonds (tastes like peanut butter cups), chocolate truffles, and a huge bowl of fresh strawberries. We also had a drink section with flavored seltzers, sparkling juices and a couple of kinds of punch. Actually, everyone helped with getting ready – the cooking, cleaning the room, decorating (she chose a purple and white theme). I love watching my kids work together to do something nice for each other.

    We had also put a lot of thought into what activity they girls would do at the party. We wanted something fun but something that would channel all of their energy into doing something productive. I put out a request for suggestions on a homeschooling board I’m on, and someone emailed me offlist with the idea that we used – washcloth bunnies. They were simple to make, but there were lots of potential ways to decorate them, and the girls loved knowing that they will be donated to a local children’s hospital, for the kids to use as toys and for bathing. I have to make some calls to the hospitals this week to set up a time for the kids and I to go and deliver them in person.

    We have another birthday for ds coming up in a few days, so we won’t have much of a breather before beginning to prepare for him! Isn’t it nice that there are built in times of the year that we can focus on one person exclusively for a day?

    Avivah

  • A Busy and enjoyable day

    I often think at the end of a day what a wonderful feeling it is, knowing that your day has been productive and your time well spent. Today was another great day – not only did we get lots done, but we had fun, too!

    I’ve been working on varying breakfasts more – I’ve gotten into a boring routine of cooked breakfast cereals, which my kids have been finding tiresome. This morning I made raisin oatmeal scones – sounds elegant, doesn’t it? My kids really liked them, and I liked getting something healthy into them.  I made them with whole wheat flour and oatmeal (of course!), but for the first time I soaked the flour overnight to remove the phytic acid, which binds with the nutrients and keeps the body from utilizing them properly. I learned about this from Nourishing Traditions, by Sally Fallon – a great book, filled with recipes and info. Then in the morning I just had to add in the other ingredients, pop them in the oven, and served them fresh and hot. The raisins added sweetness – there was no added sugar. I also made a couple of large pans of banana bread while I had the mixer out, and that will be for tomorrow’s breakfast.

    After breakfast I had a ping pong marathon at the community center with one daughter. I usually reserve the mornings for homeschooling, but she wanted to use her gift coupon (I mentioned them here already) for a session of ping pong with me, and the last two days things kept coming up. My husband was home this morning to hold down the fort with everyone else while I was gone, so we were able to go, and had a great time – we played five games, and she won the last one. She really loved that!

    We got back and I did academic stuff with everyone who still needed help. Afterwards, some of the kids took advantage of the unusually warm day and roller bladed and biked. My oldest son did a major reorganization of the garage – he worked really hard and it looks fabulous now. He had to move at least 50% of the stuff that was in there to a different part, but now the things we don’t use much are to the side and the workbench is in the center, with lots of room to actually use it. One daughter cleaned the oven while another prepared the pizza dough for dinner. I decided to do my own major reorganizing of the kitchen cabinets. I had been planning to replace all of the kitchen cabinets, even though they look fine, because I needed more cabinet space and I can’t buy cabinets to match what we have since they are ten years old. Today I moved a bunch of things around, and have managed to use the space so efficiently that I don’t think we need to replace the cabinets any more (which is really good, since I like my kitchen as it is for the most part)! The space wasn’t efficiently organized, which is important to me, but I used my frustration about the current inefficiency to think about the space differently and find a good solution. We now have a baking center, where the mixer, bowls, flours, sugar, etc. are all in one location, so I won’t have to go back and forth anymore from one end of the kitchen to another. This is so helpful since I do a nice amount of baking. For a while this afternoon, when we were all working in the kitchen, it looked pretty disastrous, since I’ve often found that things look worse before they look better (eg, I emptied the contents of a number of cabinets onto the counter, but was then able to clean the inside of all the cabinets and reorganize). But now it looks great.

    Then I took one daughter to her piano lesson, then took my son to his tutor, and after I picked him up, decided to do some quick shopping after taking care of business at the post office. I enjoyed shopping with him – I love being with all of the kids as a group, but it’s really nice when I get time with each one. We stocked up on a bunch of baking supplies, which are always good to have around here, especially with the bas mitzva for dd coming up. Fortunately while I was doing this, my older girls were on the ball and had the pizza in the oven while I was out (although I hadn’t told them to, since I hadn’t planned on shopping then) so we were able to eat dinner on time.

    We haven’t made pizza for dinner for ages – I used to make tofu pizza, but then stopped using tofu when I learned about the hazards of soy. For many years I avoided dairy almost entirely, using it just once in a while. About a year ago we changed that, and for tonight’s pizza we used cheddar cheese. A couple of nights ago I discussed the new menu plan I was preparing with the kids, and we decided to have a weekly pizza night. Tonight was the first time – they loved it!!! We made 4- 9×13 pans, and it was just the six older kids eating it – and they still all wanted more!

    I also spent some time researching the craft activity for my daughter’s upcoming bas mitzva. We really wanted it to be something that could be donated to charity, and got some good suggestions from a homeschooling email list I am on. One of the suggestions in particular appealed to my daughter, so tomorrow we will go shopping for all of the supplies.

    After dinner, my almost 8 yo son asked if he could go with me to my Toastmaster’s meeting. Toastmasters is a public speaking organization, and I go twice a month. This son had accompanied me for the first time several weeks ago, and apparently enjoyed it because he really wanted to go again! So then we got to enjoy the night out together. He voted along with all of the adults for the best prepared speech, impromptu speech, and evaluator.

    When I got home, he headed straight for bed, while I took the opportunity to chat with my mil, who had come over while I was out and stayed talking with my mom. We haven’t had a chance to talk in a while, so it was probably 11 or 11:30 before we finally said goodbye. As soon as I post this, I will be very ready for some sleep!

    I’ve often found it’s not the days we go out on trips that fill me with a sense of peace at the end of the day, but rather the days that we stay home, enjoying one another and making our home a place we feel good to be.

    Avivah

  • Great gift idea – coupons!

    I thought some of you might find it interesting to hear what a poular gift in our home is for our kids. Coupons!

    When I was a kid, I remember giving my mom coupons for services or a certain amount of kisses and hugs, redeemable by me. She always loved them, but never redeemed them! Much more recently, I thought about how to give our kids coupons, something that they would love and something they would use. Here’s what I do:

    I spend some time thinking about the kind of thing each child enjoys doing, in order to make each coupon something that will really be appreciated. I make about 10 – 12 coupons for each child, and compile them into a coupon book. Most of the coupons are for small things that I know they will appreciate, with one bigger coupon for the older kids. Some of the small coupons are for things like: 1/2 staying up late after bedtime (or an hour, for older kids), picking a favorite video, playing a game with me or dh, reading an extra story, a trip to the dollar store (to pick up one item for the youngers, two for the olders), a trip for pizza or doughnuts and cocoa (we eat a pretty healthy diet, so something like this is a rare treat :)) with one parent. I find that the idea of a special outing with just one child and one parent is really appreciated by the kids. The one on one time makes whatever outing that much more special. One child may love swimming, so a coupon for her would be a swimming trip to the local pool with mommy. Another child will enjoy raquetball or a catch with daddy, or a mother-daughter workout at the gym, so that’s what they get. For the older kids, the coupons included a concert ticket to a favorite singer (accompanied by dad), a series of weight training classes given at our community center that enables kids under 16 to have access to the workout area without a parent’s supervision, and a session at a local pottery studio (which includes buying a ceramic piece and then several hours of studio time).

    Then I type up each list in a nice font (a different font for each child), with it written twice on each line. I photocopy the list onto a sheet of colored paper (bright, so it doesn’t easily get lost!), then cut the list into long strips and staple all the strips together at the end. When a child wants to redeem a coupon, he rips off the half of the coupon on the right, leaving him with a copy of what it was he did. That way, even once the coupon has been used, they still have a printed stub as a reminder of what they received.

    It is amazing how much the kids love these. They look forward to seeing what not only each of them gets, but what all of their siblings get. It’s a unassuming looking gift, but they each love getting so many ‘presents’ all at once, and love being able to control when they use the coupons.

    Get creative, and you’ll find you can think of some pretty fun stuff for your kids, too!

    Avivah

  • Joy in the holiday season

    I love this time of year- the music, the sense of family, and the building of memories. I also see a lot of tension in families as they try to find the get all of the presents bought and wrapped in time, create and build on past family traditions, and manage the zillion details that come up. What can we do to feel joy in the season, and not be overwhelmed by all the stuff that needs to be done?

    I think it’s really important to have realistic expectations of yourself and your family. It’s nice to picture everyone gathered together, smiles on all faces, but overtired kids (and adults!) is normal, so is the less than perfect behavior can come along with overstimulation. Do what you can to take the pressure off of yourself and your family, by realizing that it’s just fine to be imperfect! Even better, think about what leads to those stressful situations, and do what you can to eliminate them – eg, make sure the kids eat on their schedule – don’t make them wait for the adult meal, everyone can rest in the afternoon if you know it will be a late night.

    Practically speaking, don’t wait until the last minute to take care of all the details you need to tend to. That is a recipe for major stress! Take care of as many things as you can ahead of time. Making a detailed list can be very helpful; a simple checklist can work just as well. Do not wait until the last minute to do your shopping – you will be battling the crowds of people who also all waited until the last minute, have longer lines, more tension and pressure, and generally just lose the joy of what it is you are doing. Ideally, the best time to buy gifts is months in advance – I like to buy things that I think my family will enjoy and stockpile them throughout the year. I do the vast majority of my shopping off season, when the stores are empty, the prices are low, and I am feeling relaxed about what I’m doing. (Thegift of doing things in advance is that it is accompanied by a sense of inner peace.)

    Lots of the food preparation can also be done ahead of time. Right around Thanksgiving is the best time to buy baking ingredients at sale prices. Bake with your kids, and pop it all into the freezer – you will enjoy not only getting the things done that you want to get done, but have the double bonus of spending fun time with your kids.

    Don’t forget, this time of year is called the holiday season for a reason. It’s not about one week or even one day – make the entire month a process leading up to the holiday itself, by sharing holiday books and stories, baking, and special activities.

    Avivah

  • The danger of having too much

    Lots of people say that kids today are spoiled, unappreciative, and overly materialistic, and wonder how to help them develop a sense of gratitude for what they have. My response to this has been pretty simple, but very effective. Give them less, and they will appreciate everything more!

    It sounds like I am joking or being stingy, but I’m not. I’m not advocating depriving our children of necessities, or even of luxuries. But I am suggesting strongly that they be consciously limited. It is a reality that the more a person has, the harder it is to appreciate it all. There reaches a point of diminishing returns, where it takes more and more to make you as happy as you were in the past when you got something much smaller.

    So many people insist that if they just had x more dollars, then they would be content. But what actually happens in the vast majority of cases? Once they achieve their first goal, they simply raise the bar and then declare that they will truly be happy once they have x more dollars! Kids aren’t any different! When kids are given every thing they express the slightest interest in, and then some, they become jaded, unable to enjoy what they have. Many parents try harder and harder to find something their kids will really love, thinking they just need to find the right present and the kids will be thrilled. But the excitement is usually short lived and then the gift is just one more thing in their piles of stuff that they don’t pay attention to.

    Kids need help becoming consciously aware of all that they have. They don’t know any other life but that which you have provided for them. I often talk with my children about how lucky we are to have a home, a vehicle, etc. Being preachy when talking about these things doesn’t work, but just naturally sharing your gratitude and happiness about your life does. When I pay bills, I tell them how happy it makes me that we have money to pay those bills, and I share with them the joy we have in being able to use what we have to help others less fortunate than ourselves. There have been times when things were financially really tight, but we still made it a priority to give 10% of our income to charity, no matter what. Giving to others helps you remember that no matter what you don’t have, or wish you have, there are so many others who have much less than you do. Even very young children can take pleasure in sharing what they have with others.

    The holidays are around the corner, and lots of parents are trying to find just the right gift for their child. Enjoy your shopping, and enjoy getting your child something that they will enjoy! But remember that when it comes to material goods, sometimes less is more, and that there is always someone who is not as fortunate as you whose life you can enrich. The memory of the joy you bring to someone else is something that will stay with you and your children long after the nicest gift is just a distant memory.

    Avivah

  • Playing with our Kids

    On Friday, our family went to the local gym together – my husband headed to the racquetball courts for a quick game with our oldest son, and I met him a little later in the game room for pool and ping pong with the other kids. The great thing about the game room is since we go at off hours, we have the room to ourselves, which otherwise would be filled with teenagers. There is one pool table and one ping pong table, so we alternate who plays which game. I don’t personally care for pool, and leave it for my kids to play each other, or to play with my husband. I enjoy ping pong or racquetball more, and can play it with the older kids, who are getting to be decent players, or with the younger kids, who are lucky to hit the ball at all; forget about playing with any kind of rules!

    Some people are naturally good at playing with their children, but I’m not one of them. I take my kids on fun trips and do nice activities with them, but I am usually in a supervisory position, not interacting in a parallel position to them. We read together and have great discussions, but that isn’t play either. Some time ago, I heard a mother of a large family said that she consciously made time to play with the kids – not to take them to the park, not to watch them play, not to buy them games (all of which are good, and things that I did, but not what she meant) – but to get down on the floor and play with them. At first I mentally rejected the idea, since it wasn’t something that felt natural to me. As I thought about it more, I realized that I was staying in my comfort zone as a parent by not being willing to do something a little different, something that I could clearly see being positive. Knowing that growth in all areas comes from overcoming my internal weaknesses and doing what I find difficult, I started to make the conscious effort to play with my kids.

    I started with card games, like Uno and Skip Bo, that are easy to learn and quick to play. Then I went on to board games. I have definite preferences and my kids know that there are some games I’m much more likely to agree to play with them – basically, I prefer to play games that I like! Rumikub is a good one, so are Othello and Battleship. We also like Set and Quiddler (both card games). The kids play Monopoly and Life often, but both games take too long to play for me to sit down to the entire game. I avoid games like Stratego – it’s a great game, but it requires intense periods of concentration to formulate strategy, and I can’t play well while keeping an eye and ear on everything else going on in the house. Some games, like Scotland Yard and Clue, are fun to play with the entire family. I also have accumulated the kiddie versions of a number of games – Mastermind Jr., Boggle Jr., Rumikub Jr. – so that the younger kids can enjoy games that are age appropriate for them. I’ve found, however, that the kiddie versions tend to be very dull (and it’s hard for me to play something that is an endurance test), and that the kids quickly learn to play the older version by watching their siblings. I have always enjoyed puzzles, so that was something that was very easy to do with them, and it’s a wonderful feeling to have everyone working together one big puzzle at one time!

    Then I really expanded my comfort zone, by racing with them one day when we went to the park. They loved it! They particularly loved it since they were used to me sitting by the side, watching them play, maybe pushing a swing or two. In the summer, I took them to the pool, and gave the younger kids bouncy rides in the shallow water while the older kids swam on their own. It was energizing to do something so physical with the kids – when I finished, I felt more alive and in shape than I did before I began.

    Playing with our kids adds a wonderful dimension to our relationship with them. I spend all day, every day with the kids, but when we take the time to play together, it adds more depth to our relationships. It’s time that is spent together just purely enjoying one another. It is so easy to make excuses for why we can’t do it – we’re tired, we don’t enjoy it, we just want time for ourselves. Taking the time to play doesn’t need to take long, and doesn’t have to every day – but take the time to do it! You and your kids will be glad you did.

    Avivah