Category Archives: parenting

Mazel tov! And mazel tov again!

parenting

Almost five years ago, our family was blessed with the engagements and the weddings of our two oldest daughters one after another. They were engaged within two weeks of each other, and married within twelve days.

Once again, we’ve been blessed with a double heaping of joy (though in a different form this time)!

I’m delighted to share with you that our youngest daughter Tzipora is engaged to Menachem Miller of Har Nof!

The l’chaim took place in Jerusalem last night; the engagement party will be in Jerusalem next week.

It’s not often when our family gets together that it feels like a small group, but that’s how it felt last night. Part of that is that our daughter is marrying into a similarly sized family to ours, but they are about ten years ahead of us so all of their children are adult size and have a strong physical presence.

The other aspect is that several of our family members were missing. Our oldest daughter and her family weren’t there, because they were in the US for a wedding. One son-in-law can only come to one of the events, and will come next week.

And lastly, our second son (who got married in August 2021) and his wife couldn’t come because….. his wife was in labor!

Less than twelve hours after our daughter became engaged, our newest granddaughter entered the world!

Knowing that a birth was imminent, we chose to stay overnight in Jerusalem rather than travel back to Yavneel as originally intended. This allowed me and four of the sons with me to see our new little beauty when she was just three hours old.

When my son called me to let me know his wife was in labor, I was so deeply grateful and thankful to be showered with so much abundance all at once. I was feeling very full of emotion and commenced driving when we finished talking. As I sat at the traffic circle immediately after finishing our call I waited for drivers to let me merge into the circle, and idly wondered if they thought my intense expression was because they weren’t letting me in!

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There’s always a sudden shift as soon as an engagement is announced, into a lot of action very quickly. Generally, the bulk of the preparations fall on the bride’s side, and I have an enormous amount of work ahead of me.

Usually I enjoy planning and preparing for events, but this time thinking about all that needs to be done feels more daunting than usual. That’s primarily due to the logistics of making arrangements for events in Jerusalem, when I live so far away and getting there is difficult for me, particularly since I have young children for whom I don’t have back-up child care options other than their siblings (who have very limited availability). It’s been almost year since our regular babysitter got married, and I haven’t had any luck finding anyone else to help out.

As a result, I’m considering outsourcing things that I usually enjoy doing myself. Of course that comes with a cost and I tend to balk at paying others to do things I can do just as well if not better, but it’s clear to me that I’m going to need help from somewhere.

Here’s what I do at times like this when feeling tension about all that needs to be done. First, I take time to sit quietly alone, and think through all the things running through my mind without the input from anyone else. It’s always before I have the time to sit with myself that I feel the stress of expectations and action items. I clarify what is most important to do right away, what can be done second, and then consciously put the other things to the side and focus on items one and two, in that order.

Sometimes, my first action is to sleep, since when you’re tired, everything feels much harder. This can feel counterintuitive, since when there’s so much to do, taking a nap or going to bed early feel wrong. But I very much believe in the principle of ‘sharpening the saw’ – you shouldn’t continue to cut down a tree with a dull saw because you are too busy to take the time to sharpen it. By seemingly taking time away from what you need to do to align your energies with the task at hand, you’ll find that everything that needs to be done flows more quickly and more easily.

This has been very helpful many times to me in moving from stressed and pressured, to focused and calm, and that’s exactly what I’m taking time for now.

Avivah

A homeschooling day with six kids, ages 2 – 11

homeschooling, parenting

Continuing from my last post, circa November 2004, responding to a question as to what a typical homeschooling day looks like for us… it seems particularly timely to have found this when I was writing about how our family life has changed over time. It’s poignant for me to reread the details of those days, to look back on a snapshot of our lives.

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Well, I gave my philosophical perspective, but here is a sample of what our days are like. After breakfast, we have our academic time.  (Davening may be before or after breakfast, my kids now daven on their own so it depends on how early they wake up.) 

I learn chumash with each of the older kids separately, and listen to my 5 year old do kriah (Hebrew reading).  While I am busy with one, the others will be busy with math.  We all are in the living room during that time, but if someone has a question, they have to wait until I am finished with the person I am with. 

After everyone finishes, we may sit around and do a read aloud – this week, I started a book about kids who go back in time to the Mayflower.  This part of the day takes about two hours.  Then we have lunch (usually sandwiches), and the rest of the afternoon is spent on other activities.

This describes our most ‘school-like’ days.  It is pretty dry and doesn’t even begin to capture the richness of our days.  It doesn’t run like this on the days that we are out with various activities in the morning (eg September was busy with sailing classes, Oct. had gym classes), and never typical for Fridays or Sundays. 

Twice a week, a couple of my kids help out at a sheep farm for the morning.  We attend a book discussion for kids once a month, the girls have Girl Scout meetings twice a month, they all have 4H at least once a month.  A couple of my kids participate in specific 4H projects, sheep and beekeeping, which have them out of the house more often. 

My girls have sewing lessons every week, knitting club every other week.  We go to the libraries regularly, nature centers, friends, and then there are the one time trips. Last week a couple of kids were busy digging a fire pit in the backyard of someone’s home for the colonial feast that is being planned this Sunday, they all attended a program on Woodland Indians (in which they not only listened to a presentation, but ground corn with a mortar and pestle, dressed in authentic Indian clothing, went in a wichot (wigwam), shot arrows, and much more), and my son read a biography of Daniel Boone (history/social studies). 

Yesterday one daughter was out with a couple of friends painting a backdrop for the puppet show they are planning for Chanukah, and have been working on weekly (writing/halacha/holidays/arts and crafts).  Two other kids were out at a different friend’s home (socialization – just joking, everybody!!).  My oldest son has been very busy for the last couple of weeks building a tree house (math/measurements), sewing cushions for the bench inside (real life skills), planning a treehouse club for his siblings, which includes various prizes and incentives.

They have all been busy getting ready for Chanukah by making presents for family members and friends and listening to Chanukah songs on cassette (Jewish holidays).  We have a trip to North Carolina in a few days, where we will attend the local science museum (science), and on the way home will probably stop by the Science Museum of Virginia.  (Last year when we went to Colonial Williamsburg, I stopped on the way in Richmond at the SMV to break up the trip. It was a good plan so we will try it again.) 

We attended a concert at the Meyerhoff Symphony hall a few nights ago (music), have a play scheduled for the beginning of Dec (literature and the arts), and a ballet for the middle of Dec (music, the arts and social studies). 

I read regularly out loud in the evenings to everyone (though my selection doesn’t always manage to hold everyone’s attention equally :)), and usually choose Newberry honor or medal books, classic type material (literature, grammar).  My kids read a lot independently (spelling, reading comprehension), and also enjoy listening to audio books (auditory processing skills).  The younger ones listen to their own selections of books with cassettes – my 4 yo recognizes her favorites at the library and ‘follows’ along with her finger in the text as she listens.  Even my 2 yo sits and listens with them. 

They enjoy board games and card games (my 4yo is fantastic at Uno – I don’t know how she got so good at strategy, but I have to work to beat her – the last game I put down my last card right before she put down her last card, and I only was able to win that time because I happened to see her cards since she isn’t careful about how she holds them!). 

We have brain teaser kind of stuff around, which they pick up and play with as they like.  They listen to the radio when I have it on and have picked up a lot of information, as well as critical thinking skills.  We have great conversations on many different topics.

Now the question is, what was the schooling part of the day?  There is lots of learning going on all the time, but it doesn’t resemble many classrooms because we don’t do much worksheet kind of stuff.  Being relaxed doesn’t mean doing nothing – for us, it means being busy with things we enjoy and learning lots along the way.

This probably didn’t help you much, though, right?  Because you may be thinking you don’t enjoy this kind of activity or your kids are too young or you are too tired or there isn’t enough scheduled…….. That’s why it all comes down to developing your own philosophy and finding what works for your family. 🙂

Avivah

Parenting – get clear on your goals, know who you are and where you want to go

homeschooling, parenting, personal development

In the middle of writing my last post, I did a search in my inbox using a keyword that didn’t pull up what I was looking for, but did result in me finding some things I had written about homeschooling in the past that I had long forgotten having written. The following was shared on a Orthodox Jewish homeschooling email list at the end of November 2004. I was active on this listserve for years and loved the far ranging and fascinating conversations we had (no comparison to the brief answers given on a FB group), but it’s been closed for many years now.

However, the questions and responses are just as relevant today as they were then and though specifically addressing homeschooling, are just as applicable to any parent thinking about his approach to parenting.

>>Hi, I just joined the list. I have a 21-month-old boy, who is nowhere near ready for school yet, but I’m thinking about home schooling, yet need to learn more about it. One thing that I want to be able to visualize is the structure (or non-structure) of home schooling–i.e., how is the learning set up. Please enlighten.<<

I think you are incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to learn about homeschooling before your children are school age.  Homeschooling is a remarkable opportunity, precisely because it is so individual.  One person’s schedule may look totally different from someone else’s, but what counts is how it works for that family.  

I prefer a relaxed approach, and find it very effective for my family and my goals.  What I find stimulating and productive might seem too undefined to some, too busy to others.  A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a homeschooling mom who was proudly telling me her schedule, and I had the strongest feeling of sympathy for her kids, but it seemed to work for their family.  (This might also have been related to her answer to my question about her homeschooling style – “We push through until we get it right.”  My question followed her description of how she forced her kids to play sports even though they came home crying after every session. But I digress.) 

She has four kids, ages 4 – 10, and starts at 9 am every day, and goes until 3:30 or 4 pm every day, with an hour for lunch.  She isn’t Jewish, so she isn’t doing a dual curriculum, so in my opinion, this was overkill.  Gosh, I felt like I had hives listening to her.  But then again, she might have had the same feeling listening to me.

As someone else suggested, read up on homeschooling. Don’t limit yourself to any one approach – read about them all, and you will find yourself developing your own ideas and opinions as to how you want to do things for your family.  Think about what education means to you – is it the same as schooling?  Why or why not?  What do you think is positive about the school experience?  What is negative?  Why?  How do your children learn best?  How do you perform best?  What are your goals – not just regarding academics, which may be one of the less important things in raising children, but in terms of character development, etc.?

Homeschooling and parenting styles overlap so much that it becomes hard to distinguish where one ends and the other begins.  Talk to people, get ideas, but most importantly, give yourself lots of time to think through the issues yourself.  And for now, just continue enjoying your child – it will be years before you will need to do anything in a more structured way than what you are already doing.  

Avivah – mom to (then) six great kids in Baltimore

Why a family dynamic is constantly evolving

aliyah, homeschooling, parenting

My husband looked at a family picture of when we had just six children that was temporarily moved to his desk, and commented, “The older half of our family!”

This past Friday night at the Shabbos table, I looked around at everyone there and thought about how our family has completely changed through the years – not one person sitting there was alive at the time that the above mentioned photo was taken.

A friend who grew up as almost the youngest of a large family told me that her experience growing up in her family was very different from her older siblings. Now I’m seeing for myself how true that is.

Younger and older children in a family will always have a different experience growing up in the same home, with the same parents, because things change over time.

Getting older and more mellow – My husband and I have been parenting for almost thirty years together. We have gotten a lot of experience and consequently are fairly secure as parents, and feel relaxed in our parenting at this stage. We aren’t constantly questioning ourselves and wondering how to deal with different things that come up. We genuinely trust that our kids are awesome people who are going to grow into amazing adults. We know it. We don’t have to work hard to remind ourselves of that, to affirm it, or to agonize over the challenges they experience. We know who we are, what our approach to parenting is, and our relationship with one another is steady and consistent. This is a product of time.

Living in a different country – Not every family will experience the major moves that we did, but moving to a different country has made a huge difference in what our children experience. Growing up in the US provided different opportunities and challenges than living here in Israel. The children who are now teens in our home moved here as young children eleven years ago. They speak an additional language, they interact with different people, and they have different interests.

I could give lots of examples of this! Here’s just one: my two oldest boys were excellent baseball players, the top in their leagues. During baseball season, our family spent hours every week attending their games. This activity has been completely absent from our lives from the time we moved to Israel. While their younger brothers have the potential to be just as athletic, there isn’t a framework for that here.

It’s been interesting for me to notice my homeschooling style evolve, and that has been specifically related to living in Yavneel. Until moving here less than three years ago, I’d self-identified as a ‘relaxed homeschooler’. That meant that we had regular daily academic activities of reading, writing and math, integrated read-alouds of historical fictions, lots of trips and outside activities. This was consistent of our family homeschooling style for almost twenty years, wherever we lived (except the trips – after we moved to Israel we did very few trips).

Now our boys have opportunities to follow and develop their interests in a way they never could before, and my style has evolved to almost completely unschooling. While they periodically pull out a math workbook at my bequest, that’s no longer an important factor for me. I trust not only their own inner desire to learn, but I trust the external framework provides the possibility of them being able to independently pursue their interests. For example, I mentioned my boys helping someone out with his horse a couple of weeks ago. Well, one son has continued working with the horses daily. Where will it go? I don’t know. But there’s the opportunity to do learn and experience much more.

My thirteen year old began traveling locally by bus last year when he took a year long sailing course at the Kineret. He’s now expanding his comfort zone and learning to use public transportation to get to RBS, so he can stay in relationship with friends made when we lived there. When someone can get to where he wants to go independent of being driven by a parent, it opens up possibilities. This is something I’m comfortable with in Israel that I would not have allowed in Baltimore due to safety concerns.

How your family is ‘built’ – Of our oldest five children, three were girls. For years people thought of us as a girl-family, because the presence of our daughters was so significant. When our next six boys joined the family, their presence obviously made a big impact as we had a very busy home with lots of young children. But our older girls remained highly involved and visible in our family life. When our oldest two daughters got married within twelve days of one another five years ago and they weren’t a daily presence anymore, things changed a lot.

It’s been years since anyone has thought of us as a girl-family! Right now the younger boys are 20, 16, 15, 13, 10 and almost 6. We have a lot of male teen energy. I was watching my fifteen and sixteen year old sons wrestling tonight, and remembering how for years I never allowed wrestling in our home. Now I see it as appropriate and healthy.

Parents don’t independently create a family atmosphere and impose that on their children. Children are partners in creating the family with their own personalities and interests, too. For years, we enjoyed singing at the Shabbos table. Then we had a few years when our two middle children were the oldest at home on Shabbos, but they didn’t enjoy singing at that stage (now they do) and we naturally sang together less as a family. Our Shabbos meals became much shorter and more discussion-heavy.

Life continued to evolve and our three teens who are usually home now enjoy singing chazzanus (cantorial music) together when they are getting ready for Shabbos. It’s not my personal style but they enjoy it and it’s a nice thing to hear them enjoying together. Our sixteen year old went to the Friday night tisch of a chassidish rabbi, and heard a beautiful complex tune which he took time to learn well. He taught that song, and another equally complicated song, to the rest of us. Those songs are new to us, but are now becoming staples at our Shabbos table, and we once again have lots of singing at the Shabbos table.

Not only that, our family itself has expanded, with the addition of four spouses and seven grandchildren (so far). Each of these people have added to our family dynamic, too!

So life is continually evolving, even at my stage when it would seem that we’ve been doing this so long and you might expect that it’s the same old, same old!

Avivah

A deeply enjoyable trip to Kangaroo Park

homeschooling, parenting

My daughter-in-law consistently plans nice trips for their family every vacation. This summer, they came to visit us after a day trip to Kangaroo Park, a 45 minute drive from us. She told me she was able to buy tickets for a discounted price using a pass that her work offers everyone there, and told me she’s allowed to buy tickets for extended family members if we were interested.

Since the older boys plan their own trips, and the younger boys are happy to stay local, we really haven’t done many official outings for a long while. Getting tickets at less than half price was a great opportunity, and this is a wonderful place to visit, so I asked my dil1 (my first daughter-in-law) to buy tickets on our behalf. She did, and told me they need to be used by the end of 2022.

Yesterday ds10 needed to stay home for a blood test and the weather was beautiful, so it was the perfect time to use our tickets! The park was very quiet – one of my favorite things about doing trips as a homeschooling family over the years is that we can go off-season when it’s quiet and relaxing. I don’t enjoy crowds at all.

The only negative is that ds13 couldn’t join us, because he had planned his first solo trip by bus to Beit Shemesh for that day. He was away for a couple of days and it was very empowering for him to successfully travel alone to a different part of the country. He enjoys staying in touch with friends there and now he won’t be dependent on me driving him to see them. That’s freeing for me, too! I was so glad that ds15 could come with us.

Right after we got there, they announced that the large parrot aviary was open for fifteen minutes, so we went there. It was interesting but the parrots were shrieking in alarm because they had been given a new plant that they didn’t recognize, and it was very loud.

The docent told me that in another fifteen minutes, she’d be doing a presentation at the small parrot aviary. That was a highlight for us. Usually each participant is given one skewer with a piece of apple to feed the parrots, but we were the only ones there at first (and even afterwards just one other family of three came in), so we were given two skewers each – and then we got a second round with another eight skewers. Each skewer represented an opportunity to have an interaction feeding a parrot, either on a wooden perch or with one of us serving as the human perch. It was really nice.

There are 52 kangaroos in a large grassy enclosure, all of whom are very gentle and used to people. There’s an option to buy pellets to feed them, which was fun but more of our time was simply stroking them and being alongside them.

We took our time there, and sat down next to a group of kangaroos for a long while. It was so pleasant.

This is a mother kangaroo with a joey in her pouch. It was fascinating to me to learn about the birth and development of a joey inside the pouch. He is born tiny, the size of half a peanut, then climbs into the pouch where he literally gestates for months until he’s ready to climb out.

I noticed an adolescent male kangaroo engaging in behavior that the docent said the alpha male wouldn’t allow if saw it. I asked the docent what would happen if the alpha male was there. He told me he wouldn’t have to do very much to show his displeasure, since he has such a dominant presence that the teen kangaroo would quickly stop doing what he was doing if the alpha expressed displeasure.

Even though we have goats of our own, the boys still enjoyed these pygmy goats.

Ds5 saw this water and quickly peeled off his socks and shoes, rolled up his pants and sat down to enjoy swishing his legs in the water.

Ds10 and ds5 were having a great time for a long while running up and down a ramp that led to a second floor structure. At one point ds5 ran down the ramp and didn’t go back up. After waiting several minutes for him, I took a quick look around. I found him sitting across from the pond, watching the black swans swimming. Just being in the moment.

Nowadays our attention spans are much shorter and we expect to be quickly entertained wherever we go, but when in a natural setting like this, gratification isn’t instant and you need to take more time to absorb the experience and let it settle into you. That’s something I really, really appreciated about going when there was hardly anyone there – we could take our time, go at our own pace without distractions and experience the park in the moment.

This space for inner quiet is something that I deeply appreciate, and I’m so glad we had an opportunity for a trip that was a lot of fun, while also giving us together time, and personal inner quiet time.

Avivah

Training a wild horse and teaching a child boundaries

parenting, personal development

Today my husband got a call from someone who owns a couple of horses. He and my husband went horseback riding a while ago, and at that time the guy mentioned that his horses don’t get enough exercise.

My husband suggested that our boys might be able to help out some time with the horses. Quite a lot of time went by, and finally today the owner reached out to find out if they were available. They were.

When they got back, I asked what they did. The horses have gotten wild from lack of regular riding and need to be retrained. So the boys can’t ride them right away. They spent their time today standing in the middle of the pen, holding the rope the horse was tied to and having the horse walk in a circle around them. The idea is to teach the horses to go when told to go, and to stop when told to stop. The horses have to learn they can’t do whatever they want, but to do what they’re told. It’s been over a year since the horses have done this, and though they were trained in the past, now need to be reminded of what is expected and then practice those behaviors.

Since these horse aren’t learning these behaviors for the first time, they should be able to progress fairly quickly from one stage to the next. Next time the boys will ride them inside the pen, and then progress from there until they are riding the horses freely.

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You know what’s coming, right? I can’t help but see examples of the parenting process everywhere I look!

When a child isn’t used to having clear expectations and boundaries, he’s going to get wild and misbehave. He’ll be really unpleasant to be around. This behavior isn’t a reflection of the character of a child, but a reflection of the lack of regular ‘training’. I feel very strongly that it’s crucial that children are taught to be respectful. Letting kids do what they want and not taking the time to actively guide them generally comes from a place of not knowing what to do, and for many parents, believing that it’s enough to love them.

Yes, love is the critical component, but we show our love with our actions. True love means actively giving children clear boundaries and teaching them to be responsible and respectful human beings. While some kids figure it out on their own in spite of their upbringing, it doesn’t generally happen by itself.

To begin to teach a child who is out of control about boundaries, you can’t begin with major expectations and demands and expect that you’re going to whip them into shape and have them ready to jump when you speak. You have to walk before you can ride. 🙂

It would have been asking for trouble for my son to hop on top of the horse and try to ride him. The horse wouldn’t have been ready to listen to him. Your child has to be used to listening to you with small things before you can expect him to be responsive to you with big things.

What do you do when a child is out of control, wild and won’t listen?

You begin with a teaching process as to what is expected and what is accepted, while simultaneously building the relationship with positive interactions. You start with small interactions as you keep them ‘on a short rope’, keeping them close to you and immediately redirecting them if they get off track. You give them a chance to be successful with the small things, and as they develop self-discipline and respect for what you tell them, you
gradually lengthen the rope while continuing to build the relationship with positive interactions.

When your child is clear about boundaries and you have a relationship of trust with one another, you can give them a lot of independence. I give my children a lot of space. You don’t need to micromanage their activities, though periodic redirection as needed is appropriate. But just as it would have been dangerous for my sons to get on those horses today when they were untrained and resistant to authority, it’s asking for problems to give a child independence before they’ve developed the ability to manage themselves and be responsive to the guidance of their parents.

Avivah

Being a goat whisperer, a leader for your children… and it’s all kind of the same

parenting

My husband was sharing with me some extremely positive feedback on one of our son’s from a teacher, and commented that our ‘don’t push or pull, but encourage’ approach seems to have been very effective.

His choice of words reminded me of an experience I had earlier that same day.

I had an opportunity to take our three goats to a grassy area to graze and help clear the land. I asked my son to help me lead them to the car, holding on to the collar of each, because I was afraid if I let go of them they’d run away. We loaded them in, got to the field and unloaded them, and then holding the collar, I began to walk with the first goat to the grassy area.

She balked. She didn’t want to go any further, which was interesting to me since she’s the only one with any experience walking on a leash next to me.

I couldn’t physically push her to go where I wanted, and I didn’t want to push her.

I assumed she must be feeling uncertain and anxious in the new location, and chose to let go of her collar rather than force her to walk along next to me. I kept walking. I glanced back after a moment and saw her following close behind. Another minute later, I glanced back again and happily trotting in a line behind me were all three goats. So much for my concern that they’d quickly run away and scatter when they had the opportunity to be in a wide open area.

I took them to the grassy spot and they started munching away. I was planning to tie their leashes to stakes and leave them there for a few hours to enjoy the juicy green goodness, but while I was there, let them walk around freely.

Since it was sunny and I had forgotten to bring a sun hat, I went to sit under a shade tree where I could supervise them.

A minute or two later, they had all followed me to where I was sitting, even though it wasn’t a desirable grazing area. They stayed in one spot as long as I was there, and as soon as I left, they followed. This happened every time I walked further away from what they felt close enough proximity to them was. I felt a bit like a goat whisperer. 🙂

I’m the primary caretaker for the goats, and when we were out in the fields it was very clear that I’m the one they feel safe with and connected to, and I’m the leader they want to follow. This surprised me because I had expected the dominant goat to be the leader for them.

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It’s been so interesting for me to experience how principles of respectful relationship are just as relevant with animals as with people.

The principle I was experiencing was that people – and animals – desire to be with and follow those to whom they feel connected.

Lead with love, build your emotional connection with your child, give him room to make his own choices rather than tightly control his actions – and chances are very high that you will be the leader he wants to follow.

Avivah

The shul is not a playground – increasing supervision of children at synagogue

parenting

For many, many years, my policy regarding synagogue attendance has been as follows:

The shul/synagogue is a place for prayer, not a playground. To instill this message, we don’t allow our children to accompany their father to shul until they are old enough to sit next to him and daven for the entire service. We start with short services and gradually allow them to go for the longer ones.

For years, I met my husband at the end of the Shabbos day davening with all of the kids who were too young to go to shul (ie almost all of them). They could go in to shul at the very end (obviously only if they stood quietly), then enjoy the socialization after it ended – but they absolutely could not be running around and playing during davening time. Obviously not inside the shul, but not outside either.

I had zero tolerance for my kids running around at shul, and was very clear with our children: If you’re old enough to be at shul, you’re old enough to be davening, and if you don’t want to daven, you shouldn’t be at shul. That wasn’t just talk – that was consistently reinforced by action on my part. It’s worked quite well for our children to realize that going to shul is a privilege, and that prayer is something to value.

At some point in the last year and a half, we slowly shifted away from this without realizing it. My ten year old loves going to shul, and initially sat next to my husband most of the time. But gradually he noticed other kids playing outside and began to spend more and more time playing outside, too.

I’m not usually at shul, so it was only recently when I became saw how much time wasn’t being spent inside. Though I feel very strongly that the shul isn’t a place for children to run around without supervision while their fathers are praying, that was exactly our situation! (I must add that my husband frequently checks on our son, and my older sons also keep an eye out for him. But as much as they did, he still needs more than that.)

So he’s gotten used to a certain degree of unsupervised time. It’s so tempting to let a situation that has developed continue to slide, to turn a blind eye and convince yourself that it’s really not a big deal. But a seemingly unrelated situation inspired me to take some actions on this front.

A little dog came to visit us during Sukkos. It was cute and absolutely adored my dog, following him everywhere and doing everything he did. (That means he spent a lot of time sitting right next to me or following me since our dog likes to stay close to me.) This new dog truly thought this was his home and we were his new family, as evidenced by his strong guarding behavior of our home and our dog after less than a day.

I was relieved when we found the owner after three days, but the dog kept coming back to us. I began to feel trapped and resentful of this animal that insisted on making our home his own, and the owner who was happy to let him hang out with us rather than make any effort to keep him at home.

I took a mental step back when I felt my energy getting negative, and recognized it was time for me to take matters into my own hands instead of waiting for the owner to deal with it. I determined that this dog would no longer get the gratification of interacting with my dog, and as soon as he came, I would put him on a leash outside my gate. Then the owner, who kept saying she was unwilling to tie her dog up or restrain him in any way, would be notified each time that he was waiting to be picked up.

I felt very calm and relaxed once I decided upon a plan of action, and I consistently carried through. The first day, he came in the morning and evening. I immediately picked him up and tied him up outside; then I notified his owner. The next day, he came two times again. I did the same thing. The third day he came once. Each time his owner took her sweet time getting here – she lives less than a five minute drive from me but it generally took 2 – 3 hours each time to get him. After the third day, he didn’t show up anymore.

I don’t know if the dog got the message he was no longer going to be able to interact with my dog, or his owner realized it wasn’t going to be fun for her to get called every time he came and have to pick him up, so she decided to supervise/restrain him more rather than letting him run free. But either way, it worked and it reminded me of the power of clear, decisive boundaries that are enforced with calm and kindness.

It inspired me to take similarly focused actions with my ten year old. His boundaries at shul have gotten too loosely defined and it’s time to redefine them for him. That requires me to clarify for myself what boundaries I’m comfortable with, and then to communicate and reinforce them consistently to him.

The power of clarity is that it makes it possible to summon the energy to take actions you previously felt too unfocused and consequently worn out to do anything about.

In the last few days I’ve made the decision to go to shul in order to supervise much more closely when he’s there. The second part of the plan is to preempt his shul attendance by making it more fun and engaging to be home than at shul. That’s much easier said than done! Thinking about it feels daunting in terms of the physical and emotional energy it requires. But being clear on how important this is for him is very helpful.

I’m hopeful that when he realizes that he’s not getting the gratification that he’s used to, and experiences the consistency of my response, that he will soon get used to and accept the new boundaries.

Avivah

Celebrating our youngest daughter, the value of birthday circles

parenting

What a busy and enjoyable holiday season it’s been!

Our youngest daughter was born during Sukkos. This year on the day of her birthday, my second daughter (who was visiting with her family for the week) spontaneously suggested we make a special party for her sister, knowing it would mean a lot to her. I told her I thought it was a good idea but I was maxxed out with the nonstop cooking for all the holiday meals and wouldn’t have time to make something on short notice.

My daughter whipped up a three layer cake with filling and frosting, while my oldest daughter and sixteen year old son composed a grammen (rhyming poem recited aloud to a specific tune). That night after dinner, our birthday girl was surprised when my son performed the grammen, followed by birthday cake.

My older daughter also prepared a skit for that evening, but the skit participants didn’t feel they had enough time to prepare. We had chosen to make the party the night of her birthday, rather than waiting until the next night when all of our married children would be there with their families. We thought she would appreciate the quieter and more intimate setting, which she did.

However, with the change in plans with the skit, we decided to push the skit and birthday circle off to the next night, when all of our children would be there.

The next night, we began by repeating the grammen, since a number of people weren’t present the night before. Then the skit was performed, which was very funny; I was almost crying with laughter!

Finally, we had our traditional birthday circle, in which each person present shares something they appreciate about the birthday celebrant. My daughter had told me she doesn’t appreciate the joking that sometimes accompanies the circle, so I made an announcement to please not make any comments about anything someone else says and everyone respected that. She afterwards told us how meaningful and special it was for her.

About birthday circles – as nice as it is to hear people saying good things about you, it can also feel uncomfortable. I think it’s very important to learn to accept positive feedback, to recognize that you’re appreciated, to allow yourself to feel loved and valued, and to sit with the discomfort of listening to all the feedback in the presence of others, without making any comments to minimize what was said, or deflecting the praise.

For those giving the positive feedback, it’s important to practice seeing the good in others. To learn to express that in an honest and straightforward way is also an unfamiliar skill for many people; there’s a societal discomfort in straightforwardly letting people know that we like them or how they do things.

Having a yearly opportunity to honor each sibling gives everyone opportunities to practice these skills. We instituted birthday circles when our younger boys were very young, at least twelve years ago. Their early shares were very simple and sometimes silly. As time has gone on, they have evolved into being able to express meaningful and thoughtful feedback for someone else. The older siblings have commented on the quality of their younger brother’s feedback, saying that they didn’t have such well-thought out comments at that age. But they also hadn’t grown up with it for years like their younger siblings!

I don’t remember exactly when we began this custom and I don’t remember why, but I’m so glad it’s become part of our family culture. When you do something sporadically, it takes a lot of effort to remember to do it and then draft the cooperation of all participants. Since birthday circles are well-entrenched in our family routines, it takes minimal effort; everyone knows what to expect and what their part is. And of course, every person appreciates the opportunity to be the recipient of appreciation each year.

I encourage you to consider introducing a family tradition that will give family members a regular opportunity to express their appreciation for one another. It’s such a nice thing to be part of.

Avivah

Sending food, sending love

canning, food preservation, parenting

In my last post, I shared about processing jars of home cooked stews and meats for my boys in a dorm. It’s shelf-stable and they just have to heat it up. In response, someone commented:

>>The soup/stew solution seems like a really good start, but hard on you.<<

I appreciated the intent to offer suggestions that would make it easier for me and put the ball in their court.

My kids are very capable – very. Though I understate my kids’ abilities and capacities when writing about them, I can safely say you won’t find many boys their ages as capable as they are. They can certainly shop and cook for themselves; they don’t need me to help them find a solution for this. Since they don’t have cooking facilities, their solutions are unlikely to be as good as mine, but they aren’t spoiled and have a make-do-with-a-good-attitude ethic.

But you know what? I want to do this for them. In so many ways, doing this for them says, ‘I love you’. Every time they heat up a jar of food I prepared for them, whether they think of it consciously or not, they’re imbibing some of my love, knowing that I went out of my way because I love them, and connecting to that love.

I’m not interested in skimping on that. I’m not so busy with more important things in my life that this is a pressure for me, or one more thing to do on my overly full to-do list. I do have a list that doesn’t seem to get much smaller regardless of what I do, but being present for my children and having a relationship with them is high on my list – even if they’re far away and it’s a non-verbal food interaction. Not only is making this food not hard on me, I welcome the opportunity to show them how much they matter to me.

There are different ways to show love, and people perceive love that is given to them in different ways. For my older son, I know this is meaningful for him. Someone else might say, ‘Meh, nice but it really doesn’t matter much to me.’

I’m so, so aware of how quickly time goes by, how short the time with our children is. The process of growing up is gradual, a constant spreading of one’s wings and becoming more independent. Independence doesn’t happen suddenly when they go away to school or get married. The relationship with a child changes as they go through increasing levels of independence, and by necessity your active role in their lives shifts.

We tend to associate food with times we spent with love ones, with warm memories, with feelings of being cared about and taken care of. Good food, served with love, has the ability to reach a person in ways that other things don’t.

I can give my boys money to buy food if they need to, and I’m glad to do it. But feeling loved through the money for food is more distant than feeling loved by eating the food itself.

Preparing food so my boys can have a home cooked meal whenever they’re hungry is something I can do for my older son this year. This is when he needs it and especially appreciates it. Next year he’ll be in yeshiva gedolah, where the food is usually much better, so this probably won’t be needed.

I’m embracing the opportunity that I have now to send my sons love from a distance. It only looks like jars of food sitting on their shelves. But now you know what it really is.

Avivah