Category Archives: personal development

How my expressive arts class helped me deepen my connection to myself

personal development

I’m not an art person – it’s just not something that I ever explored beyond coloring. No, I’m really not exaggerating when I say that. Crayons, markers and coloring pages are literally the point when my artistic efforts ended.

When I saw a notice about an expressive arts class forming earlier in the year, I thought it sounded interesting. I liked the idea of learning something new. I had no idea that it would become the powerful experience that it’s been.

We’re a small group of six women, with two arts therapists facilitating the group. The two hour session begins with a short relaxation exercise, and then we’re encouraged to seek out the materials that reflect how we’re feeling at that moment. After an hour of creating, each woman writes in her journal, answering the questions provided that are meant to stimulate awareness of the internal process. After that, each woman shares about her work and her answers to the questions with the group.

Since every other woman there has an art background, this was initially an intimidating experience for me. I felt so inadequate – like a preschooler in a college classroom. I had no experience with any of the artistic mediums, and didn’t know how to use the various materials.

When I was seventeen, I learned about perfectionism, realized it was a trait that I had, and recognized that it wasn’t something I wanted to hold onto. For the last thirty years, I’ve consciously been releasing that tendency to want things to be the way that I want them, to let things be enough as they are, and not to compete or compare with others.

This has been a huge part of my personal development and a significant, defining feature of my parenting and what I teach others about parenting. And this tendency was hugely challenged by my participation in this group.

It wasn’t easy for me to sit with myself and quiet the peanut gallery in my own head as I worked – I had such intense feelings of frustration and inadequacy in the beginning. To create and and then have to display my work to others who are much, much more advanced, when I hardly knew how to use the paints or brushes… it was very hard for me to be so bad at something they were all so good at.

But each week something shifted as I painted or drew, as I focused on how I was feeling and my only goal was to capture that. It stopped mattering to me if anyone else thought it looked good or not, and it stopped mattering to me if it looked good or not. Instead, I found that I was enjoying the process of putting my feelings onto the paper in art form as it helped me get in touch with subtle emotions.

This painting reflected the external turbulence of the recent war period, the quiet peacefulness found inside, and Hashem’s constant presence.

For example, when my son was dating, almost all of the suggestions were of young women from very mainstream homes, which in many ways was perfect for him. A quality that our family has, and that I’ve seen in every one of my children’s spouses, is an interest in others, an openmindedness and ability to think for oneself. In the case of the suggestions being made, I had hesitations about agreeing to most of them because I didn’t see this quality. I wasn’t sure if I was imposing my preferences or if it was something important for him, albeit something he wasn’t consciously looking for. In this painting, I explored my feelings about that – every color, every stroke, every shape has meaning and is representative of something significant.

Several times in the early weeks of the group I shared my feelings of inadequacy and self-consciousness with the group leader, and she told me that I had an advantage over the other women, precisely because I had no art background. I couldn’t understand what she meant, and thought she was trying to make me feel good.

Several months in, I head another woman expressing frustration that the limited time allotted didn’t allow her to create something satisfactory. I shared with her my experience of creating just for the pleasure of it, for the expression of it – and her response showed me the challenge for someone who knows so much being able to let go and enjoy the expressive process.

She couldn’t release her expectation of herself and what her art should look like. And I realized that not only could I do that in the art class, but it extended into a different area when faced with something similarly new and intimidating – I just did it, didn’t worry what anyone else was thinking, and enjoyed it.

It’s been really interesting to ask myself, how do I feel today and what medium do I want to use to express that? What colors, what textures, what movement reflects that?

It’s been surprising for me as someone with a high level of self-awareness, that using art as a medium deepened my connection with my own emotions. I can really see how powerful it can be to use art as a therapeutic tool, having experienced some benefits even in a non-therapeutic setting.

Avivah

Intrinsic motivation and my thirteen year old son, the shochet!

homeschooling, parenting, personal development

Quite some time ago, ds13 decided he wanted to learn shechita, and made arrangements independently to study the related halachos (Biblical guidelines and laws) with a local shochet (ritual slaughterer). Once learned, they have to be reviewed thoroughly every thirty days.

Over the past months, he has assisted in processing a number of animals – chickens, ducks, goats, sheep, and even cows. But he had yet to perform the shechita himself.

A month ago, he came home and told me someone was selling a turkey for just 150 shekels, and asked if I was interested in buying it? No, I absolutely did not want a turkey walking around our yard and told him so. “No, not to raise – for me to shecht!” The shochet he learned with him determined that he was ready to do the shechita (kosher slaughtering) himself.

The process went very smoothly – the shochet told me it’s rare for a first shechita to go so well, and that it’s been a pleasure to learn with ds13, due to his diligence and how seriously he’s taken his studies.

It was very gratifying for all of us to see the tangible results of his months of study! Ds13 plucked it, cleaned it and kashered it himself, and we saved it to enjoy together with dd24 and her husband when they were here for the weekend.

A couple of days ago someone came by and said there were a couple of ducks he was having shechted, and my thirteen year old could watch if he wanted.

I went over just as they finished up, and found out that my son hadn’t watched but actually performed the shechita on both of them! (Under the supervision of the shochet that he studied with, obviously.) He learned firsthand why ducks are considered one of the more difficult animals to shecht. One of the two was kosher, one wasn’t, and the person who the ducks belonged to insisted ds13 take half of the meat.

It was a mallard duck and small to begin with, so half of it wasn’t a huge meal, but nonetheless, this week we had roast duck on the menu. 🙂

My husband and I have great satisfaction in observing the emergent developmental process – in this case, watching ds13 develop and pursue an interest. No degree of external manipulation or incentivization can get the results that come from intrinsic motivation. (Our foster care social worker, who visits monthly, is very appreciative of ds13 and his activities, though she said she finds it discouraging to see the contrast with her own son, who is lacking any visible signs of emergence. I’ve spoken to her about supporting the natural developmental process, too!)

Some people have said it’s good he has a skill that could potentially be a career – that’s true and it’s always good to have options, but I wouldn’t want him to do this for a living. I value it greatly as a life skill, however.

For me, the biggest value is a person learning to listen to his own inner guidance and move towards that. This is way of thinking that could dramatically enhance the life satisfaction of every one of us, but far too many of us adults, under the guise of being responsible, have lost the ability to recognize and respond to the inner promptings of their souls. And what are we here for, if not to live lives of meaning and satisfaction?

Avivah

My new computer – the gift of contrast

personal development

My regular readers have probably noticed that my posting has dropped off dramatically in the last year and particularly the last few months. For the year that ds8 was home, time and energy became a real challenge. Two months ago he began attending school – it’s been great for him and all the rest of us, too! but the increased time flexibility hasn’t translated into writing more here since I’ve had extended computer challenges.

My husband bought me a new computer when he visited the US over a year ago, and from the start, I wasn’t happy with it. There was a significant lag in response time, and then the power cord input receptor got looser and looser, until when the cord was plugged in it didn’t connect anymore.

Well. There I was with a computer that wasn’t working but that wasn’t worth fixing (so I was told). I thought to make do and use one of the other two computers that my kids use – but there’s a reason they use them. They are older computers that are fine for their needs (mainly looking up information and listening to audiobooks) but for my needs, they’re really not helpful.

To use the better one that had a nonfunctional keyboard meant hooking up my husband’s work keyboard and mouse during the hours my husband wasn’t working and the kids weren’t around – late at night and very early in the morning. Late at night I’m usually too tired to think, and though I’m up early, Rafael wakes up early and climbs into my bed before falling back asleep for a couple more hours, so typing away at the computer in the same room would wake him up.

I was getting increasingly frustrated at how difficult it was to get online with a laptop. When I could finally clear the time, I couldn’t find the kids’ computer, or I found the computer but it had no power and I couldn’t find the power cord. Or I could find the power cord but not the converter for the American plug that would allow me to plug it into the 220 Israeli system. When someone offered to bring something back for me from the US, I jumped at the opportunity to order a computer.

My husband researched a bunch of computers and finally told me he didn’t see one in the price range I set that had the features I wanted. But, after speaking to a computer guy he offered to get our two older computers overhauled, and order the necessary replacement part for my computer. I was hesitant about having my computer repaired because it was unsatisfactory from the beginning, but it didn’t make sense to buy something new when we had something that could be made usable for a much lower sum.

My exasperation was rising every time I tried to get online, and I would periodically express how limiting and disturbing it was for me to feel so constrained. But I had determined that my computer needs didn’t justify the expense of something new so this was only an expression of feeling continually stymied, not a suggestion to pursue a different solution.

My husband assured me the part was on its way, and while waiting for its arrival I tried using the overhauled computers. That had its own frustrations.

We waited and waited and waited for the part, and were relieved when it finally arrived. Until it became clear that it was the wrong part.

My husband told me he would order a different part. This is when I reached my limit for tolerating the situation and trying to work with what was. I had complete clarity that this situation wasn’t tolerable for me any more and I needed to have a well-functioning computer. Right away.

This is when the shift happened – it was only when it was I had clarity that I was unwilling to continue to try to make it work that that we could find the best solution.

As soon as I said that, my husband told me he could buy me an excellent computer locally and have it that day. It was double the sum I had mentally set previously, but after months of frustration, that amount now seemed perfectly reasonable! He dropped me off at a two day women’s retreat right after this conversation, and from there drove straight to the computer store.

When I got home the next night, I was greeted with my new computer, fully set up and ready to be used.

I can’t even express how nice it is to finally be able to do things that were so hard and daunting for such a long time (for those whose comments here weren’t responded to, now you know why).

The seemingly obvious solution to my challenging situation – buying a new computer locally – was available to me from the very first day that I had a computer issue. But since I wasn’t willing to consider buying a new computer at Israeli prices, all the frustrating situations continued to unfold.

So often something feels hard – and it is – but part of what makes it so hard is that we mentally limit what the solutions can be or where they can come from. And if we aren’t open to a solution, we’re not going to get that solution, even if that’s the easiest and best outcome!

What struck me in my situation was the benefit of contrast. Contrast is what we experience when there’s a discrepancy between what we want and what we have. Usually we perceive this as being bad.

The gift of contrast is it helps you clarify what you don’t want, and what you do want. I had tons of contrast for over a year with my computer issues that created ongoing frustration and feelings of limitation, and it was the increasing contrast that made it obvious that my previous attempts at solutions were completely inadequate for my needs.

This is something that we all do in every area of our lives – you can substitute ‘relationship/job/experience’ for ‘computer’ and you’ll see the same thing I described. Trying to make something work that doesn’t work, trying to convince yourself you don’t need more than what you have, that what you have is really enough, that you shouldn’t want more, that you don’t deserve more….it goes deep!

I’ve found it really helpful when I recognize and embrace contrast, to see it as a tool that can help me live my best life by clarifying what I want more or less of, and then taking action accordingly.

Avivah

A harrowing ride home

aliyah, miscellaneous, personal development

It’s been an eventful few days!

On Monday I went to Beit Shemesh with ds13 and ds12 to take care of a bunch of errands. On our final errand, at about 6 pm, the missile warning siren went off. The boys looked at me and one asked, “Could it be a siren for Yom Yerushalayim?” As I heard the pitch begin to go up and down, I realized it was a real alert and we quickly made our way to the underground parking lot and got in our car.

Only a few others made a move to find a safe place – almost everyone around us continued with their shopping. Ds13 afterwards told me how surprising he found it that everyone kept acting normally; I explained that they probably had no idea what to do. What we do in situations like this is look around to assess how others are responding, and then act accordingly. And this is a challenge, when those around you don’t know how to respond.

As soon as we verified that the coast was clear, we zipped out to get home. The traffic was clear and I was relieved to be going north, to safety. We passed several tanks being transported, something we had never seen before, but otherwise everything looked normal.

The north is filled with Arab neighborhoods, and unlike other parts of the country, the main roads travel directly through these neighborhoods, all considered safe. I didn’t know that riots were breaking out in Arab neighborhoods across the country. Once I got an hour from home, traffic suddenly became extraordinarily heavy and I had no idea why. My boys noted the heavy police presence, the horses they told me were used for riots – when we drove around burnt, still smoking items in the road, I wondered if somehow a rocket had hit this area and was relieved to see the infrastructure looked undamaged. My bias was to see the areas I was in as safe and I was looking outside for the threat, and wasn’t putting the pieces together yet.

I was less than twenty minutes from home when I drove into a crowd of about 100 young Arab men blocking the four lanes of the main road (near Shibli), yelling and waving flags twenty minutes from home, sitting on cars in the middle of the street. For the first couple of minutes I was only puzzled- there was a huge truck blocking my view, a police cruiser two cars behind me, and I saw that ahead in the distance cars were slowly driving up the hill. The police had gotten out, said something to the crowd and then walked back to their cruiser to watch, so I assumed things were safe (that’s what I told my kids to reassure them). It was when the truck was allowed to pass that I could see what was just ahead of me – men running back and forth across the road, jumping on the car ahead of me, others beginning to push some large burning object into the road – that I made a quick decision to make a u-turn and get out of there. No other cars followed me. (I was told that rocks were thrown at the drivers soon after.)

It was at this point I realized that the first traffic jam had been due to a riot that had been cleared by the time we drove past. The benefit of hindsight.

I thought I would take the long way around, and followed the alternate route suggested by Waze. This route went directly through two Arab towns, and I again ran into heavy traffic. As we slowed to a stop (this time near Nazareth), we heard firecrackers going off up ahead, and ds13 said, “I don’t feel safe to drive forward.” I was thinking the same thing, and began to make another u-turn, and for the first time saw other drivers doing the same thing.

This was part of our exhausting drive to try to get home, as every possible route became blocked with traffic jams caused by rioting. I felt trapped, like everything around me was closing in on all sides. I was confused about where I was – I have a good sense of direction but I was in areas that were completely unfamiliar to me – and was afraid to follow another Waze route and drive into a riot that I wouldn’t be able to get out of. I wanted to get off the smaller roads I had been diverted to and get onto a main highway, and after looking at the options, made the decision that we would stay on the route that I finally chose no matter what.

At this point I put on a relaxing meditation to listen to, and this was the best possible thing I could had done. It totally shifted our energies, and helped us feel safe and protected in an alarming situation. As we were in yet another traffic jam, fireworks began going off a short distance to our right (fireworks are shot off at celebrations and riots). This time, ds13 smiled and said, “Nice, we can enjoy the show while we wait!” He felt so much more relaxed that he began giving friendly waves to other drivers sitting in traffic with us. (If you’re wondering, ds12 had fallen asleep in the back seat; I needed ds13 to help navigate – even though we had Waze I wanted him to confirm that I was turning on the right place – I didn’t want to make a mistake that could take us into a dangerous situation – so he didn’t close his eyes until were were finally on a bigger highway.) We only talked about how everything was working out for us.

We got home at 11:30 pm, five and a half hours after leaving Beit Shemesh (usually a two hour drive). When I lay down, my entire body was buzzing with tension and exhaustion.

The next morning I didn’t see anything about rioting in the north being reported, and was uncomfortable sending Yirmi to school. (He began the week before Pesach and loves it!). I was debating until literally made the decision a minute before his bus arrived, and decided since they travel on main highways and anyway, no one would be rioting in the morning that it would be fine. I then took Rafael for his interview at the school, and he did great. I was able to see Yirmi in his classroom and meet his teachers, which was really nice. (Due to covid, we were limited when we visited the school back in November for his intake interview.) Yirmi only stays until 1 pm every day, due to the availability of the van that takes him home, and that day we took him home with us, which was really nice. He’s asked me a number of times to pick him up from school but it’s a one hour drive in each direction so it’s not something I’m usually able to do.

Meanwhile, ds15 was at his high school in Kiryat Ono and was woken at 3 am to a missile alert. They all filed to the protected area, and classes continued for the next day and a half as usual. They heard a number of alerts that they were in the protected area for, and at other times saw missiles high above headed for locations farther away. They were all sent home on Wednesday, around 1:45, and I’m happy to have him back at home. He’s hoping that things will clear up in time for him to return to yeshiva for Shavuos (Sunday), but I think the likelihood of that happening isn’t high.

Avivah

We’re from the government and we’re here to help!

personal development

Edited to add: As some readers noticed, three days after posting this, my site was disabled due to exactly the kind of censorship that I referenced as a concern. For the first time in almost fifteen years, my ‘content’ was deemed problematic on my own paid site and access to it was blocked, even to me. For several days it wasn’t clear if it would be possible to get my website back. You can imagine that it was a relief when I was able to get it restored!

How I’ve missed sharing with you these last weeks! As a departure from my usual range of topics over almost fifteen years of blogging, I’m sharing some personal reflections on current events.

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I watch current events unfold and histories of the past are my guide to what is happening and what we can expect to happen. Privately I predicted almost everything that has happened in the last year (though I anticipated it would be ebola that would suddenly be the big scare and create a push for worldwide adult vaccination, which was the published goal for 2020 of the World Health Organization).

I’m not a psychic, just someone who watches the pattern of the news and carefully reads between the lines of the mainstream news. You can see what the next step will be if you read carefully. Most articles sound more like they are written by a public relations firm pushing an agenda than objective and balanced reporting, but this is the news I read and this is where you can best see what is really unfolding, because these articles are intended to prime you for what to expect. They haven’t failed me yet.

I watch democracy in Israel eroding, as the media continually churns fear and uncertainty, with the only possible solution given being an injection that on the FDA website is described as unapproved (see the bottom of page one in the fact sheet). It was surely just a mistake, or a translation error, that caused every medical organization and news outlet in Israel to claim that it was FDA approved. And surely just an oversight that the widely translated fact sheet that is supposed to accompany the injections wasn’t translated into Hebrew. Oops.

But what difference does that make, because obviously no one has had any negative side effects and the dangers of covid are so much higher than anything else. Frightening, indeed, how the yearly death rate has remained stable before and during covid. A raging pandemic that we should thank our lucky stars to have survived. What? A survival rate of almost 100 percent for the average person? Nonsense! Where do you get your statistics?!? You don’t care about anyone but yourself. You’re a murderer.

The Green Passport has been rolled out, and when introduced we were told it would be an advantage for those who take it, but not a punishment for those who don’t. After all, that would be a violation of human rights and we wouldn’t do that. Well, the next steps to ‘open the economy’ were introduced Sunday, and allow only those with proof of the injection or proof of antibodies to participate in normative life. I hope those with natural antibodies will be allowed their status for a long time to come. Sometimes I wonder where the line is between staying positive and being delusional.

Fortunately, no one is being forced to participate in Israel’s noble country-wide experimentation that is selflessly being undertaken for the sake of humanity worldwide. There is absolutely no motive at all other than the good of the people. After all, that’s what governments always worry about – the good of the people. And because they are so worried about your well-being, they have released your personal injection status to the local government authorities, so you can be inspired to comply by your local officials. I think that warrants the elimination of medical confidentiality.

And if you feel like you’d like to wait and see what the long term results will be, since there are no long term studies of safety, or if you have the ridiculous and naive idea that you can boost your personal immunity by taking zinc/vitamin d/vitamin c/hydroxicloriquine/quercetin/ivermectin, know that there is no proof that any of those things ever helped anyone. The doctors who had impressive results with their hundreds of patients are frauds – they are manipulating you so that they can sell you vitamins! All they care about is money. Unlike the makers of the injections, for whom the financial gains are completely irrelevant.

We are so blessed to have no government coercion whatsoever. Oh, you may find it hard to live when you can’t attend school/ training programs, work/stores/social events/public places or even your own child’s wedding in a hall. But that’s really your choice. You can still buy food and medicine, and honestly, what else matters? Lockdowns that have limited the movement and lifestyle of millions of people for extended periods have shown there is no danger of any sort of imposing that continued lifestyle on anyone who won’t comply with government directives. While all legal/medical/ethical issues are ignored and steamrolled, the government simply continues passing more guidelines – all to keep us safe.

Ah, to breathe freely and happily (well, we don’t really need to breathe that much, fortunately, since we’ve all enthusiastically donned our masks), knowing that the caring politicians only have our best interests at heart! What comfort it brings me, so much so that it’s irrelevant that we are looking more like an totalitarian country than a democracy. We even now have ‘freedom’ ankle bracelets previously used for prisoners on parole that are now tracking the movements of those entering the country. Yes, a progressive and encouraging replacement of the military guard placed around the corona hotels! Freedom, indeed.

But we all know that only whacked-out conspiracy theorists have any doubts or hesitation about any aspects of the decisions that are being made. No, it doesn’t bother us that the government discussions regarding the laws rapidly being passed that have stripped us of our rights and dramatically increased the surveillance of every individual that was previously only used with the most dangerous terrorists, have been done in absolute secrecy, with the transcripts sealed from the Israeli public for thirty years. Surely that must increase your trust in your elected officials. It certainly relieves any concerns I might have had. And surely in thirty years when we see what was said and done and why, none of us will question even in the slightest the integrity and altruistic intentions of those noble politicians. Funny that they don’t trust us with that information right now. I guess they’re worried we might misunderstand what we read.

No, don’t worry about the noose growing tighter around the neck of the Israeli population who has been reluctant to participate in the country-wide medical experiment. I certainly don’t worry about it. And I feel no sadness for those who will never again be allowed to travel out of the country to see their loved ones without complying with the new directives. They deserve it, for being so selfish and spreading disease without compunction. Oh, you say people who aren’t sick can’t spread disease? We’ll take away your social media platforms, break your zoom links to your conferences, disable your videos and recordings for endangering people with your fake news.

It’s been said that the most frightening words in the world are, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help.” For me, this issue isn’t about whether someone gets an injection or not. My concern is whether it’s healthy for the government to be so heavily involved and controlling of the details of the lives of citizens.

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BH, all is well in my world. Truly. After so many months of silencing myself, I’m sharing some of my conflicted feelings regarding living in challenging times. I realize that the majority of the population believes the heavy governmental involvement to be appropriate in the circumstances as they’ve been presented to us.

I send each and every one of you blessings for health, stability, and security in every area of your lives. My constant effort is to remember that that G-d is running the show and my task is to stay connected and spiritually aligned.

Avivah

How I created and resolved my biggest issue

parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21

For months I’ve felt increasingly pressured about having my eight year old home. In November I finally shared some of that here, and a month later I posted about finding a school for him.

I turned to the local municipality to arrange transportation for him, and feeling the intense need for him to be at school, was initially very frustrated at their laissez faire approach to getting this done. It’s been over two months and no progress has been made, so he is still home.

Now here is the very interesting thing. About two weeks after we found a school for him, I suddenly noticed that it didn’t feel hard to have him at home anymore. Not only that, but I’ve been really enjoying him!

This initially mystified me. I had been working on my mindset with regards to this issue; I wrote lists of things I appreciated about him, I did meditation and visualizations to keep my focus on all the wonderful things about him – and suddenly, with no conscious effort, I appreciate him being at home!

So what changed?? I did a lot of thinking about this, to figure out how and why this shift happened, and I think my experience will be helpful for others.

When I posted in November, I shared about one issue that was challenging for me. But there were others that I told myself I needed to deal with, but felt overwhelmed and alone to deal with them all.

Here’s an incomplete list of some of the things I told myself I should be doing:

  • Digestive issues – These began when we moved here and began letting him have gluten on Shabbos. Even after we removed the gluten again, the issues remained. What to do? a) Figure out how to heal his digestive system while dealing with ongoing digestive issues. b) Do daily or at least weekly laser therapy sessions. What do you mean, you don’t have energy to do this? Okay, it’s true there’s a lot of laundry and cleanup that the issues entail throughout the day, but what kind of mother can’t get herself to do something this important for her child? You need to solve the problem at the root.
  • Speech – Yirmi’s speech content is really good, his articulation is not so good. What do do? a) put him on Gemiini daily for online speech therapy (which means customizing videos to match what he needs); b) set up speech therapy in our new location, entailing lots of paperwork and logistics, then weekly travel to a city nearby. Oh, that feels overwhelming? You feel maxxed out and can’t do it? So now your child has to suffer because you feel tired. You know that the window for doing this is closing and he’s going to suffer for the rest of his life because you didn’t invest in helping him speak clearly when he was young.
  • Reading – He loves to be read to but I haven’t taught him to read in either language. Yes, he knows the alphabet in Hebrew and English but he could be reading in both languages if he had a mother who was more competent.
  • Hearing aids – after many months of a process that was protracted and expensive, we got hearing aids for him. But he pulls them out as soon as I turn my back. Since we have an issue of him leaving the home without telling us, I knew within an hour they would be lost somewhere outside, never to be found again. Solution: sit down with him daily first thing in the morning, keeping him entertained so he wouldn’t pull them out. Why is it so hard to spend two hours nonstop keeping him distracted? Just do it first thing in the day. Make it a priority. Then he’ll get used to them and you can increase the time gradually. You know how important hearing is to speech; of course he isn’t speaking clearly if he can’t hear clearly.
  • Thyroid issues – He gained a lot of weight after we moved here. Figure out why, get his thyroid tested again. Find an alternative doctor who understands the thyroid. Change his diet.
  • And of course, the eloping issue. Watch him every single minute of the day because he needs to be safe.

So now you’ve gotten a peek into my mind, some of the thoughts that were running through my head within a few minutes of waking up and continued throughout the day. Sometimes I just didn’t want to get up and face the day. It felt so hard and heavy, and no matter how much I would do, I had a constant knowing that there was so much that was important for him that needed to be done and I wasn’t doing it.

I would tell myself that I was doing what I could and it had to be enough, I would try to reduce the urgency. But thinking about all of this (and more) was always very close.

I thought it was dealing with the daily issues that was the pressure, that was hard (and it would have looked like it from the outside, too). But I was wrong.

It was my thoughts about how inadequate I was that was draining me and made everything feel overwhelming.

Why did those thoughts suddenly stop being an issue? Firstly, the feedback from the school staff. All I saw was what I wasn’t doing. But they didn’t see all that. They don’t expect parents to do the things that I expect of myself, and they were very understanding about why he isn’t wearing hearing aids, for example. No shaming at all. It was obvious to them that it was a very challenging issue, without me having to explain with more than two sentences.

Not only weren’t they shaming me, they were impressed with Yirmi’s focus, thinking skills, desire to learn, and intelligence. They told me more than once how it was obvious I had invested so much in both boys (since ds4 was there for the interview, too).

A friend who has an older child with T21 told me, ‘No one does what you do for your kids, no one I know expects of their child what you expect of yours.’ I’ve always shrugged off comments like this, because I’m sure people think that I do more than I do. It was really helpful to look at myself through someone else’s eyes and say, maybe they’re right. That replaced the voice saying ‘everyone can see you’re failing’. Not doing enough wasn’t wasn’t reality (though there remain many things that it would be nice if I did); it was my own made up story.

The second thing that changed was I stopped feeling pressured to take care of these issues, knowing that very soon I’d have people to work together with on them, or even a staff that would completely address them (eg speech therapy, supervision wearing the hearing aids). The weight of having to be everything, to know everything, to do everything was so, so heavy. It was a weight that I couldn’t lift and didn’t want to lift. But when I didn’t do it all, there was all that intense guilt and inadequacy.

Three – I dramatically cut my Facebook time around the end of November, and then deleted my account in the middle of January. And now I’m not seeing messages in my T21 groups from all those amazing mothers who are doing the things I’m not doing.

Without the negative messages replaying on a loop constantly, it’s not hard having Yirmi home anymore. In fact, I’m deeply enjoying him, knowing he is completely okay just as he is right now, that I don’t have to do any more than I am, and he doesn’t have to do any more than he is. And that feels amazing. (And I’m sure it feels good to him, too.)

It’s fortunate that I feel no urgency about sending him to school, since the pace the municipality is working – or not working – I don’t know when transportation to his school will be provided. Instead of feeling like I just can’t cope another day, I must have some help…it’s dramatically shifted for me and is all really okay.

It’s in the mind that most of our problems are created and solved.

Avivah

Why I’m leaving Facebook

personal development

About six weeks ago, I took Facebook off my phone, inspired by a documentary I didn’t yet watch – The Social Dilemma – and a couple of others that I did watch when I was searching for the first. I looked at my online usage and asked myself how much value it was adding to my life.

Very little.

In fact, I can definitively point to when I joined Facebook several years ago as the time that I ‘lost my voice’. I’ve always been a strong proponent of standing up for your beliefs and being willing to say what needs to be said, with your name attached.

And then I joined Facebook, with the intention of increase the outreach of my blog and my services as a parenting consultant.

Almost immediately I felt different. Everyone was sharing their opinions, almost always in a very short and superficial way. And there was so much criticism and harshness and judgment. Despite years of blogging publicly, my desire to communicate online shrank dramatically.

Whenever I had a technical issue that limited my computer usage, I noticed within a day or two that I felt significantly more relaxed and present. And each time the issue would be resolved, I felt almost disappointed to go back to my regular online use. I’ve shared about that experience here.

Back to six weeks ago. I use my laptop very irregularly these days, and knew that when I had time on the laptop, it would be very limited and it would be much easier to moderate the time spent on Facebook than on my phone. So it was off my phone and that translated to very minimal social media usage.

It has been so good. I periodically jump on, check in on my gardening group, say congratulations to a person or two, and get off. It’s great.

I’ve watched Facebook becoming increasingly regulatory of the content allowed. My own personal development path has led me to work very, very much on releasing control and shifting to building relationship and trusting the good intention of others. I strongly disagree with attempting to control others on every level: as a parent, in marriage, in communities, and on a national and international political level. The social media attempts to control conversations is inherently disrespectful and dysfunctional.

Image by Hermann Traub from Pixabay

Additionally, I’ve read a lot of history, particularly about Soviet Russia and World War II/ Nazi Germany. Censorship of this sort hasn’t been part of the good side of history (to put it mildly) and is deeply concerning.

When I made the decision to dramatically shift away from Facebook (and again now when making the decision to completely jump ship) it initially felt intimidating to step away from because when you’re online, it feels like a part of your real world.

But you know what?

It’s really not. Your online world is very much not real life, and when you get away from it a bit, that becomes so clear.

There are undoubtedly some helpful aspects – several of my groups have been a wonderful source of information. But it’s been very freeing to be so independent of the views and emotions of others, not to see the latest news or the attacks on our fellow humans…the world feels so much more hopeful and beautiful.

Each of us has the same twenty four hours in a day. How do you want to spend them? What makes your life feel meaningful and productive? What makes you feel most content inside yourself?

I want to live consciously and that means choosing what comes into my life consciously. I want to live in alignment with my beliefs, not to short-sell myself for the paltry conveniences offered in exchange for my time and life energy. So I’m choosing to delete my social media accounts – since Facebook has purchased WhatsApp, I’ll be closing my account on both platforms.

Of course, I’ll still be here!

Avivah

This Shabbos – our corona bar mitzva!

homemaking, parenting, personal development

When it was announced months ago that celebrations would be curtailed because of corona, I told my kids it was good that my son’s bar mitzva wasn’t until September. Because hopefully things would be back to normal by then.

Well, they aren’t back to normal and tomorrow night (Thursday) is the bar mitzva! Thankfully we are a nice sized group consisting of our single and married children as well as my mother (20 including our three granddaughters), and we will have the bar mitzva seuda together.

I really don’t know what to expect as far as participation of others outside our immediate family for the dessert reception afterwards or the kiddush on Shabbos morning following davening (both to be held outdoors in our garden). It’s going to be interesting to see how things unfold!

*********************

I was feeling very pressured yesterday morning about all that needed to cooked/baked/cleaned as nothing was done and I had two days left to do it all. Two days with most of the older kids not home to help, and two young children at home who need a lot of active supervision. Two days when my husband would be traveling to Jerusalem for work, so no car to take care of any errands or shopping and obviously he won’t be around to help out.

To add to that, my fridge hasn’t been working properly, and since it’s under warranty, the technician was supposed to come this week. He didn’t come and when I called to reschedule, he won’t be coming until next week. The Shabbos setting hardly cools the fridge and the food spoils by the end of Shabbos, and isn’t working optimally during the week. So that was a deterrent as far as cooking in advance.

I sat down to make a list of menus for the bar mitzva meal, the dessert reception, the three Shabbos meals and the Shabbos morning kiddush. And I saw a message from my oldest daughter.

She informed me that she and her sister were in touch and would be bringing the following baked goods, and then listed the items. And she went shopping to buy some things I needed today. And my amazing daughter in law called to ask how she could help, and bought all the paper goods and is bringing another dessert with her.

They were all very concerned about how much needs to be done and that I have minimal assistance to do it all. I very, very much appreciated knowing that others are thinking of me and understand the logistical challenge.

Just like that, I went from feeling alone and overwhelmed, to feeling loved and supported.

Then this morning I got up at 4:30 and got two hours of focused preparations underway before anyone was up, and amazingly continued getting things taken care of while they were awake. (I made a huge pot of matbucha, three 9 x 13 pans of potato kugel, three pans of noodle kugel, two pans of apple crumble, one pan of chocolate cake, two pans of baked apples, roast, beet salad, roasted radishes, cleaned and reorganized both fridges to make room for all the food I’ll be making, and did lots of laundry and dishes. And made breakfast and dinner and raked up lots of small pebbles and rocks into piles in my garden so they can get toted out. And was pleasant with my children throughout the day – I count the last item as really important because when there’s a happy event, it’s important to me not to spoil it with tension about what has to be done).

And then my eleven year old took my eight year old to the park while I took a nap midday.

And my mother read them books.

And then a lovely young lady came to help with the younger boys (starting this week I arranged for her to come daily for an hour in the later afternoon) but since they weren’t available, she mixed up a cake batter alongside me in the kitchen.

And then someone called to offer to do any shopping I need tomorrow, and to pick up my two younger kids and watch them so I can get things done. And called back to ask if I prefer she send a salad for the bar mitzva meal or for Shabbos.

And then my daughter called back to say that she’s bringing even more desserts with her, and what else can she make?

It can feel a little lonely making a celebration in a new place, during this time of dramatically reduced communal social interactions. But all of these pinpoints of love and offers of help meant so much to me.

Avivah

Why I’m not talking about Covid-19

personal development,

Do you read my blog and wonder why I’m not talking about the elephant in the room – the virus that has taken over the news, personal conversations and social media feeds?

It’s not because I don’t have opinions. Very simply, it’s because I choose to focus on things that make me feel good.

In the last few months, every time I write a post I wonder very briefly if I seem oblivious to the goings-on in the world.

But I know what makes me feel good and it’s not the current world events, so I go on to write about my garden, or my ducks or something else that brings me joy in some way or other.

I try to do this throughout my day – to choose thoughts that are positive and uplifting. I’m a product of the broader culture in which looking for the good is naive and looking at what is wrong is being ‘realistic’. But many years of writing gratitude lists, sharing gratitude as a family nightly around the dinner table and looking for the good have made an impact on me. I’ve become less oriented towards complaining and focusing on all that is wrong.

I know that what I focus on will increase, and I find it valuable to consciously consider what I want to increase in my life.

This is a spiritual exercise every day, and in recent months it’s gotten quite a workout. Everywhere I go, everyone I interact with – it seems there’s just one topic that people want to discuss. And I’m not interested. I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it

I want to be happy. I want to find joy in my daily life. I want to feel safe in the world.

Is that walking through the world with blinders on? No. I see what is happening. I’m very, very aware.

And it’s because I’m aware that I choose to focus on things that feel good.

Avivah

Living your dream – take small steps in the direction of your vision

homeschooling, parenting, personal development

This morning my husband and I took our kids to the Kineret (Sea of Galilee) for an early morning outing. It was so lovely. The sky, the air, the beautiful cranes swooping all around…glorious.

At one point, I looked at my husband, who smiled at me and said: “We’re living the dream.” I nodded back, with a deep feeling of appreciation.

What was he talking about?

Over the years we’ve talked about our vision for our lives a lot. Our personal ideal includes my husband working from home and being able to take the boys to synagogue with him, learning with them first thing in the day, and being able to have time for family outings. For years I’ve taken the kids on trips but my husband has usually been away at work. We’ve dreamed of much more integrated family time.

And now it’s happening.

Since moving three months ago, my husband now works from home three days a week, and works in Jerusalem the other two days. That means he’s home five days a week.

We’ve had corona restrictions in place that limited his ability to take the boys to shul (synagogue) until fairly recently. And now that piece, starting the day praying and learning together – something we’ve wanted for years! – is beginning to happen.

At dinner last night, I suggested we plan small outings that we can put into our regular schedule. We are blessed to live a very short drive from the Kineret (thank You, Hashem!!!), so we talked about going for just an hour. That would make it something we could easily integrate on a regular basis.

Two thumbs up – having fun!

This was our first time out as a family, and it showed us that it’s completely doable. My husband was able to start working by 10 am, and worked later in the day to offset the late start. We hope to do this once a week now!

Ds11

Sometimes we make our dreams and visions so big and complicated that they can’t happen. My experience is that by moving towards what I want and taking small steps in that direction, life keeps getting better and better.

Avivah