Avivah wanted you to know that she is doing very well after giving birth to our new baby boy today (Thursday, May 21) at 725pm.  If you live in our neighborhood you are invited to our Shalom Zachor at our home starting 915.

I’m feeling a little discouraged and tired this morning.  Until now, I’ve had a good attitude and mindset about being so far overdue (42 weeks and 6 days, according to the original due date).  I’ve been having contractions every 10 – 20 minutes for the last couple of days, but they haven’t gotten much closer than 10 minutes, and though it’s been a little taxing physically, I’ve been okay with that, too. 

But now I’m feeling less accepting and cheerful.  Today at 3:30 am I woke up with contractions every few minutes apart, about 90 seconds long – finally, real labor!  It was pretty intense but I was so glad to know that I was finally close to having this baby!  The contractions continued at this rate for a couple of hours, and I decided it was definitely time to call my midwife.  

I thought this would be a quick labor and birth, because of all the preparatory work my body’s been doing until now, and that we’d have a new baby to greet the kids with when they woke up in the morning.  Well, I was wrong.  Because after a couple of hours, the contractions starting slowing down and getting further apart.  Finally, at 8:30 am, I told the midwife I didn’t think she should wait around because the contractions were getting further and further apart, and shorter, too. 

I drank a strong raspberry leaf infusion before bed last night – she suggested I continue drinking it today, and suggested I would benefit by steadily continuing to ‘keep at it’, to keep labor going.  I used up the last of my premixed pregnancy tea; I thought I didn’t have any more ingredients for it, but my dd said she was pretty sure we had more red raspberry leaves on the shelf of herbs, and she was right.  So sometime this morning I’ll mix more up (it’s a blend of red raspberry, alfalfa, and peppermint, will try to post the exact ratios when I get the chance).  She also gave me an herbal tincture called LaborEase to take every half hour.  I took some before she left and have been having contractions every five minutes or so, but I don’t really want to take any more right now.  I’m too tired to deal effectively with more contractions at this point.  And I really don’t want to take walks or go up and down my stairs two at a time – I can hardly keep my eyes open!

She had breakfast with our family before heading back home, which was nice, and I joined everyone for breakfast, though I was too tired to eat much.  To say my kids were disappointed to see just me is an understatement – they saw her car outside long before they saw her, and it’s never before happened that she’s come for a birth and not left without a new baby having joined the family. 

Sooo….I think I’m going to go back to bed and get some rest.  I usually find when I’m feeling down that a good nap perks me up and I’m much more positive and cheerful afterwards.  It would be easier to rest if I weren’t having contractions, since I find laying down isn’t a great position to deal with contractions in.  But I could use some positive energy right now and hopefully I’ll be able to get enough of a rest to refresh my spirits!

Avivah 

My midwife came by for a visit yesterday to see how things were going, and as always, we chatted for a while.  She asked me my thoughts on the ‘overdue’ situation, and I told her that I don’t believe in the concept of it being past the right time, assuming all physical signs are good.  The baby will be born when it’s ready, and that time hasn’t yet come.   I told her I know all the natural type things that could be done to ‘make’ it happen sooner, and wasn’t interested in any of them, that I’d like to wait for Hashem’s plan to unfold.  Though I’d like it if sooner rather than later was part of that plan, I’m truly okay with whenever it happens.  (My kids were talking today about how we were prepared for a Pesach baby, and then a Lag B’omer baby, but never did any of them think we’d be considering the possibility of a Shavuos baby! :))

I also raised my concern that although we’ve used the traditional way of figuring out due dates until now, it really isn’t accurate based on a cycle that is longer than 28 days (which mine was).   So she re-established my due date based on this information, and it’s officially now May 14, which means I’m just four days beyond it, instead of 2.5 weeks.  I laughed and told her it didn’t make a bit of difference to me if it was the 2nd or the 14th, it’s just a technical difference that practically speaking doesn’t matter a bit!  It will reassure other people, though.  People seem to think that there’s some terrible danger that awaits anyone still pregnant a day beyond 42 weeks.

I’m very fortunate to have a midwife who also trusts the body and birth process, and works to follow a mother’s feelings about this.  She listened to the heartbeat, checking for variations, and it was good – she was able to do this by listening with a fetoscope, no need for electronic monitoring or even a hand held Doppler.  (If you ran up the stairs, your heart would beat faster.  The same thing with a baby – after it moves around, it’s heart rate should go up.)  Then she externally palpated the uterus, and assessed that the volume of amniotic fluid was fine.  This is basically what is checked with a non stress test, but in a more pleasant way.

So while hopefully none of you are feeling alarmed that I keep posting here every day, and still with no news of a baby, there’s the latest update!

Avivah

Actually, I think the title of my post isn’t accurate.  Officially (even according to the medically conservative ACOG), you have to be 42 weeks to be considered overdue, and it will be a couple more days until I’m at that point.  Maybe it would be more accurate to say I’m not overdue and there’s nothing to be worried about!  (It’s not irrelevant to mention that the way we estimate due dates is problematic for many women and their cycles, and therefore very often not accurate.  See this site for more information on a more accurate way to determine your due date – http://transitionsdoula.com/pregnancy/ddcalc)  But it’s amazing how just because we are given an estimated due date that we mentally expect a baby to be born by then and start worrying when it hasn’t!

I explained it to my kids, who are losing hope that this baby will ever be born, like this.  When you have an apple tree, there are some apples that ripen early, most of them ripen around the same time, and some ripen after all the others have fallen off.  Babies are like that, too.  Each one has his own growing pattern.  Some start growing later than others, and some grow faster or slower than others. That’s how it is after they’re born, and all of us know that babies have different growth rates.  Somehow we forget that it’s the same way before they’re born.

Unfortunately, we live in a world where medical induction is so common that we don’t get to see or hear from many people who have gone past 42 weeks.  But it didn’t used to be rare for women to have babies at 43 or even 44 weeks – I even read online about someone who was positive about her dates and gave birth at 46 weeks!  Some of those babies were very big, but others were supposedly late and small, with signs of being early.  Too many babies have been induced or born by cesarean because the care provider was convinced they needed to be born because of the dates themselves, ultrasound estimates of size, etc, only to find that the baby wasn’t as big, or as late, or as ready to be born as expected. (I was once with a first time mother who was pressured into a cesarean because of her extremely big baby, according to the ultrasound.  They told her he was too big to safely be born vaginally.  After the cesarean, the supposedly huge baby the baby was 7.5 pounds, covered in lots of vernix and clearly born before he was ready.  I heard the nurses talking about what an embarrassment it was that the surgery was done unnecessarily, though they promptly stopped discussing it when they saw me close to the nurses station.)

We get fearful that something is wrong when our experience is even slightly outside of the norm because it’s unfamiliar territory, and because the message in the society around us is that different = wrong.  Being past your estimated due date doesn’t mean something has gone wrong, or that something bad is going to happen to you or your baby.  It just means that your baby is growing on its own time table.

It’s hard to be constantly asked about if you’ve had the baby yet, every single day for weeks by every person you meet.  It’s hard to go to sleep every night wondering if tonight will be the night you’ll go into labor and then wake up the next morning still pregnant.  It’s hard to not make plans every night for the next day, because you don’t know if you’ll be able to keep your commitments.  What I personally think is the hardest thing, is hearing other people’s concerns and assumptions that something is wrong (“when are you going to be induced?” – and even natural minded friends suggesting natural induction methods) and staying emotionally disconnected from their message of fear/ distrust of the body and birth process but not from them.

For me I have a subtle sense of irony about still being pregnant.  I wasn’t mentally prepared for this scenario, since my concern was really about avoiding being early!   This is new territory for me, after eight children!  But I really believe in the ability of the body to do what it’s created to do in a healthy way.  And I strongly feel that Hashem (G-d) is giving me a special opportunity during this unexpected space and it’s up to me to use it well.  These last twelve days have been a chance for me to consciously release my ideas and expectations, and be truly open to what He has planned.  Last night as I was lying in bed, I was listening to a musical relaxation cd and thinking continuously of  the following words almost as mantras:  Trust.  Accept.  Release. These were words I thought of because they represented concepts that resonated with me.  To me they meant:  Trust – that Hashem is taking care of everything, and it’s all as it’s supposed to be. Accept – what is and not what you think that should be.  Release – your fears, concerns, and expectations.  These aren’t specific to birth, but to all areas of life.

I also feel this time space helped my kids become more balanced with the idea of a new baby, instead of the hyper excitement we were experiencing before.  And though they were strongly favoring a baby of one particular gender before, at this point they’ll be so happy with any baby that I don’t think they’ll be disappointed if it’s not what they were initially hoping for.  My husband commented it’s helped him get into a good head space for another baby, whereas a couple of weeks ago things were so busy that he almost didn’t have time to think about it.  It’s giving me lots of snuggling time with different kids, to ‘shore up’ the relationship while things are quiet, before life gets busy and I may not be able to do as much of that as I’d like.  And today I even cleaned the refrigerator!  🙂

Seriously, I’ve been able to release concerns regarding having this baby that were very subtle, but somewhere there in my subconscious nonetheless. I don’t know what I did to let go of them, but I feel differently inside, and know that they’ve lost their power.  (Yes, I know I sound very crunchy and airy fairy, but that’s how I feel.)  Most of all, I’ve been using this time to consciously try and connect with G-d.  I can’t really accurately express the feeling I have inside of being more settled and grounded, more at peace both emotionally and spiritually.

So that’s why as of now, I have no plans to use even natural induction techniques.  I’m not taking homeopathic caullophyllum, castor oil, stimulating pressure points, drinking infusions of raspberry leaf tea, having accupuncture done, or even trying to tell my body to get labor going right now.  Just like we’re going to enjoy the surprise of it’s a boy or girl, we’re going to enjoy the surprise of when our baby is born!

Avivah

>>Avivah, I have a question about having the midwife stay
in the other room. Most of the midwives I’ve talked to
over the years have emphasized that *watching* the mom
labor (hopefully unobtrusively) is an important way that
they gain a sense for how the labor is progressing and
how the mom and baby are doing, without having to do a
lot of exams or monitoring. How do you feel about that?
Do you think you would be able to call the midwife in if
you felt you were having a hard time?

I’m asking, not to judge your approach, but just to
increase my own understanding.<<

It’s a good question, and you don’t sound a bit like you’re being judgemental! 

I didn’t mean to give the impression that the midwife stays out of the room the entire time – she doesn’t.  She comes in periodically and assesses how things are going, but she goes out when she sees things are fine.  If I felt I needed her at any of these times, she would stay with me.  Whenever my husband goes in and out of the room, he keeps her updated, too.  If something suddenly and drastically changed in my labor, she’s very close by, and my husband would get her.  My husband tends to be with me during a lot of labor, though he ends up sitting somewhere to the side, usually.  I like to know he’s there, but not to feel that he’s there.  🙂  That’s how he’s able to call her immediately when I say I want her to come in. 

All of my hospital births were attended by midwives (CNMs) and this is what they did, and both of my home birth midwives have done the same thing.  It really is possible to learn a lot about where a woman is holding just by watching her – I used to pretty accurately be able to guess how many centimeters the women I was providing labor support for were at by paying attention to their labor signposts.  Experienced midwives have been at a lot more births than I have and I’m sure can detect a lot more factors than that.

 I think the above is the typical approach to keeping an eye on a laboring woman, but periodic monitoring doesn’t require a constant presence, and most experienced midwives have learned the art of being unobtrusive even when they are present.

Avivah 

>>Truthfully, I don’t even want a doula. I had my midwives come in at the very end of labor since that was the only time I really felt I needed them. <<

This is exactly how I am.  In the last week, three people have offered to be my doula as a favor – two are massage therapists, one is a very experienced doula with a lot of other skills who is also a good friend.  And I told all of them I wish I could be a person who could have a doula with her since I love the idea of it, but I like to be left alone and do best like that.  When it’s time for the baby to be born, I tell my dh to get the midwife.  For births no. 2, 3, 4, 6, and 7, that meant the midwife came in with just a few minutes before the baby was born.  (This has a tendency to unnerve the midwives, since they see me looking relaxed and quiet throughout labor and come in expecting that labor is finally getting going, not ready for a baby to be crowning.  After no. 4, the midwife, who knew me because we had been at a number of births together, joked that I couldn’t have possibly have given her less notice and in the future she would appreciate even a couple of minutes more. 🙂 )  For the last birth, the pushing took an hour instead of a minute, so in that situation, my midwife needed to be there for longer. 

You would think that having been a doula myself, that I would be the first to want someone to be with me.  I think having a good doula can be an amazingly huge help to the majority of women.  But I think that women are individuals first and foremost, and everyone needs to be in the situation that they feel most comfortable in.  Some women are very educated about and emotionally prepared for birth, and prefer to have more space to themselves, and really do best like that.  Something I love about my current midwife is she has the ability to totally efface herself – she doesn’t feel like she has to do something just because she’s there.  She is in tune with what a person needs and is comfortable waiting for the woman to be ready for her help, at whatever stage that might be.  She can sit quietly in another room and wait or she can actively be supporting the woman by rubbing her back or whatever.  That might not sound like a big deal, but in labor, many people feel like they need to actively do something to show their support for the laboring woman. 

As with so many things, you have to know yourself and what your needs are, and communicate that to those who want to support you.  I think the majority of women benefit from having a doula with them; I’m just too independent to be one of them!

Avivah

>>What do you do with your kids when you’re in labor if you’re having a homebirth?<<

I’ve gotten this question a number of times – I think the concern is firstly about where the kids actually are present, and secondly about how a laboring woman has privacy if her kids are at home the same time.  Since our kids are homeschooled, it’s inevitable that everyone, or most everyone, is going to be home when I have a baby.  I’ve had four homebirths so far, and each of them was in a different home, so I’ll share the physical set up of each, and then address generally my approach to labor.

Homebirth #1 – bedrooms and one bathroom was on one side of the apartment, the living room, dining room, and another bathroom were on the other side.  I stayed in my room and had one bathroom to myself, my kids were on the other side of the apartment, with a kitchen separating the two sides.  This was my very long labor and the midwife’s assistant took the kids outside and played with them at some point in the afternoon – she didn’t have anything else to do.  But otherwise dh was with them, except for when he popped in to be with me.

Homebirth #2 – bedrooms and single bathroom were upstairs, everything else was downstairs.  I was upstairs, the kids were downstairs (until they saw the midwife come and then they ran up the stairs to follow her) – the midwife was only there for 10 minutes before the baby was born, so there wasn’t much of an issue anyway!

Homebirth #3 – my bedroom and bathroom were on one side of apartment, the other bedrooms and bathroom were on the other side.  My oldest son was gone that morning, my two older dds were also gone that morning (their grandparents brought them back an hour before the baby was born, though), so I only had my 7, 5, and almost 4 yo children at home.  At one point the 7 yob took the other two out to play with them, when he realized I was in labor.  Very sweet of him.

Homebirth #4 – in the house we’re currently in.  Our bedroom and bathroom are on a separate floor from the kids.  This was the only time out of any of my births that the baby was born at night.  I loved this, but my kids really didn’t.  They don’t like waking up and missing the excitement, the anticipation of knowing the midwife is there and wondering when the baby will be born and what it will be, seeing the baby already dressed – this was a major complaint they had about last time.

When I’m in labor, I prefer to mostly be left alone.  I think that privacy is extremely important to a laboring woman; a woman needs to feel able to totally focus on her labor.  My kids don’t come into (or near) my room at any point during labor, and certainly not during the birth.  (I’ve considered letting my older teen daughters be present for the birth since I think it would be a really good experience for them; I would love for them to experience first hand the beauty and serenity of a birth that is allowed to follow it’s own course with no unnecessary intervention. But I’m unfortunately a private person and not comfortable with that.)  When they were younger, my dh took care of them, but now I have older kids and all of my kids age 6 and up are capable of taking care of themselves and helping out with the younger toddlers. 

A number of women have asked me, “But don’t they HEAR you?”  In my case, there’s really nothing to hear, even if they stick their ear next to the door.  I’ve found conscious relaxation in labor very helpful, and that’s what I do (this is most similar to what is taught in the Bradley method).  I read a bit about hypnobirthing during this pregnancy and it sounds alot like what I do, but I can’t say for sure since I don’t know enough about it.  Someone watching me wouldn’t even know I’m having contractions, except that I breathe more deeply then.  I usually prefer sitting on the comfy glider in my room with my eyes closed and focusing on positive imagery and keeping my entire body relaxed, though physiologically it’s not the best position.  Last time I felt the need to lean forward during transition, so I chose positions that facilitated that instead of the glider.  I also like having relaxing music on in the background, but it’s best to have music that doesn’t have a pattern building up or down – I had a very nice cassette which was made for labor (unfortunately doesn’t work now :() that had beautiful rain falling type music, sounds of a stream, etc.  Any cassettes intended for relaxation are usually perfect for labor.

Regarding the lack of noise/minimal noise, I don’t think I’m unusual.  Women who are prepared, who work with their bodies, and who are supported don’t make the kind of noises that are routinely heard in hospitals.  Interestingly but not surprisingly, the noise heard in labor wards isn’t usually coming from prepared unmedicated mothers.  Women who are taking Demerol are at a particular disadvantage, because they don’t feel the contraction building up and don’t have any time to prepare themselves, and when they are hit with the most intense part of a contraction, it’s very hard on them.  They’re the ones I used to hear the worst screaming from.  Also heard from those waiting for an epidural to be administered, whose epidural didn’t take, or those whose epidurals only took on one side of their bodies.  Women who are prepared have physical and emotional strategies to handle contractions, and when they do make noise, they are usually low pitched umm or hmm sounds, sometimes groans, not the high pitched screaming that leaves anyone who hears it sure that giving birth to a baby is the most agonizing experience in the world.  I asked my midwife her experience with this, and she agreed that there’s not usually a lot of noise at homebirths. 

The kids come in as soon as possible afterwards.  With baby no. 5 they came in after I was cleaned up from the hemorrage, probably after a half hour.  After no. 6 and 7 they came in when the baby was ten minutes old, as soon as the placenta was out but still connected to the baby.  So they got to see the umbilical cord cut (with 6 and 7), see the baby still covered with vernix, watch the baby have it’s first exam, and just generally experience the excitement of a brand new human being who has just come into the world.  It’s a very special experience for everyone in the family.  We let each of them hold the baby right away, with the youngest getting the first turn (this is probably the only time the youngest goes first – most things in our home go from oldest to youngest).  With baby no. 8 they were asleep since it was 1:40 am and I wasn’t interested in waking them up, so they missed all the action.  (I’ve promised them this time that I’ll wake them up right away, since they were so disappointed last time – only the kids ages 6 and up, though; the toddlers can wait until the morning.) 

As far as me, it just takes a couple of minutes to clean up.  Last time the placenta was partially abrupted and there was more blood than usual, so I took a quick shower right afterwards because I wanted to feel really clean.  I’m almost always fully dressed from the time I get up in the morning and wear a shaitel throughout the day, and I don’t dress any differently just because I’m in labor, so I don’t look any different after giving birth. (Last time it was the nighttime and it didn’t make sense to me to purposely stay in clothes and a shaitel at a time I would usually be changing to a snood and nightgown.) 

People seem to think that the room must be filled with blood and bodily fluids, but that’s really not the case.  Whatever amounts (usually small) of fluids there are are contained on a chux pad, which is quickly rolled up and put into a garbage bag right away.  Even with the hemorrage and abrupted placenta, both situations in which there’s a lot more blood than usual, clean up still wasn’t a big deal.  I’ve found that home births are much neater than hospital births because your attendants respect that they’re in your home and want the atmosphere to be pleasant and orderly, so they take more care than in the hospital setting.  (I still remember a birth I attended at a newly decorated maternity wing of a major hospital, a hospital everyone was flocking to because of the renovations.  I couldn’t believe that the fluids during that birth were literally left to run all over the floor instead of being caught by a basin or contained on a chux pad – it could have so easily been avoided and was very unpleasant to see.  I suppose since the attendants weren’t the ones doing the cleaning up and it wasn’t their husband who had to walk over a mini stream running through the room, they didn’t care – and it was certainly a stark contrast to the beautiful furnishings.) 

Okay, I hope I answered all the aspects of that question!  If I missed something, just ask.

Avivah

This morning, I woke up to the phone ringing.  It was my mother calling, wanting to know if I had the baby yet or not.  Fortunately, my dd answered the phone because I don’t appreciate calls like this.  I explained to my mother on Friday when she called to check that as my mother, she’ll be the first to know and there’s no benefit to calling to find out.  If I haven’t called, either: 1) I didn’t have the baby and I don’t have any news to share, or 2) I did have the baby, and haven’t called yet because it’s too soon, so her call would be intrusive.  I don’t think she clearly understood my point though, since she called again today – I had to remind myself that she’s doing it to show me that she cares about me, not to be nosy.

It’s a funny thing – until a month ago when I finally asked her if she cared at all about me being pregnant, she hardly mentioned it, and my mother in law hasn’t mentioned anything – literally not a word since we told her and even when we told her – and suddenly I get calls from them.  And fortunately again, my dd answered the call this morning from my mil, because I am feeling hurt about being totally ignored for months and suddenly because the baby is set to arrive, I’m worth noticing.  It reminds me of the feeling in the hospital, that you’re the body that delivers the baby, but not worth much notice as your own self. 🙁  Yes, we all have our issues. 🙂

Lest you think that I’m oversensitive about friends checking in, I don’t mind at all when anyone but our parents call to see where I’m holding.  In fact, I think it’s sweet that people are thinking about me and care, and know that they have no way of finding out in a timely way unless they call us.  Our parents will be notified right away, but for everyone else there naturally is a longer amount of time they have to wait until the news gets around.  When I answer the phone, I just laugh and tell people, “I’m still pregnant!” 

Because almost all of our children were early, I’ve rarely had this experience of being checked up on, and to avoid it from the get go, I used to tell people my due date was a week or two after the actual due date.  But when I was pregnant with my oldest, I was ten days overdue (one other child was born the day after his due date).  My mother woke up to fireworks in the very early hours of the morning (it was the 4th of July), and thought it must mean I was having a baby.  She called me (I was living overseas at the time) at a time when I would have been at work, and when I didn’t answer, panicked and called a friend to find out what was happening.  The friend didn’t know anything, but called the hospital where she knew I was registered, and the nurse tersely picked up the phone, said, “Congratulations, Avivah X had a boy” and hung up.  So the friend called my mother back and told her the message.  I must have literally just delivered, because as soon as possible afterwards, we called our parents to share our surprise.  My mother pretended to be surprised, and asked what we had (as if she didn’t already know!).  There was something disappointing about her response that felt flat to me at the time, but until I found out about what had happened behind the scenes, I didn’t understand why that was.  She just couldn’t fake being totally surprised and excited about her first grandchild, and I’ve always felt it was a loss, that she and this friend took things into their own hands instead of waiting for us to share the news when we were ready to. (I was only at the hospital for 2 hours before I gave birth and we called within a short time of the birth, so it wouldn’t have been a long wait!).

My other memory regarding this wasn’t a child who was late, but actually a little early, maybe 2 or 3 days.  It was my fifth birth, and by far my most difficult labor.  A difficult labor would be putting in mildly, actually.  My inlaws called that morning, and my dh told them I was in labor (which he really shouldn’t have, because I don’t like these details being shared unless I want to).  They called later in the day to find out what was happening because we hadn’t yet called.  It was a very long and intense labor, with ten hours of transition (contractions every 1 – 2 minutes, lasting 60 – 90 seconds each) following eight hours of active labor (I only consider it active labor when contractions are at least 5 minutes apart) because the baby was asynclitic and ‘stuck’ in the birth canal.  As a result, I had a pretty serious hemorrage afterwards (because the uterus was overstimulated by contractions for so long that it couldn’t contract effectively after birth).  My midwife handled things very efficiently and I was fine, though I lost consciousness when they were dealing with the hemorrage (my midwife later said I probably blacked out from the pain more than actual blood loss, because the body shuts down when it experiences more than it can take).  My husband was outside of the room when all of this happened and didn’t know what was taking place inside – the midwife called him in a half hour or so later, when the bleeding was stopped and everything was cleaned up.  He had just come into the room to see how I was – he hadn’t yet spoken to me – when the phone rang.  It was his parents, wanting to get the news.  I still remember hearing him answer them in a cheery voice, that we had a baby girl and “Avivah is doing fine”.  And I was there, feeling like I had walked through the valley of death (the pictures after this birth are probably the only time in my life I’ve looked pale) and it felt all wrong, hearing it like that – yes, I was alive, but I didn’t feel like saying everything was fine was quite accurate, you know?  It was like all that I went through didn’t matter to anyone but me. 

So that’s my history with this issue and our parents, and why calls from them checking in seem invasive.  But for the rest of you, don’t worry – keep calling or checking in here, and it’s just fine!  :))

Avivah