Avivah Werner

Category: Self-Growth

  • How to prevent burnout for busy parents

    How to prevent burnout for busy parents

    “My husband and I would like to know: How do you and your husband prevent physical, emotional and mental burnout, when high emotions, lack of sleep and nutrition is neglected due to the high activity?”

    The truth is that you can’t prevent burnout without taking care of yourself.  You just can’t.
    That’s why we get burnt out in the first place, because we’re neglecting critical needs and treating ourselves like rubber balls that can bounce and bounce and bounce and never break.

    green glass ball

    Well, it’s not like that.  Sometimes when you drop a ball you find out it was made of glass, and not taking care of yourself will show you that the ball of self-care is a glass ball covered with a layer or two of rubber – it will bounce a bit and then as the rubber wears away, everything cracks into pieces.

    shattered glass

    Taking care of yourself is a process. Sometimes you do better and sometimes not as well.  There are three things that I’m going to suggest you start with, to keep yourself on an even keel:

    1) Get enough rest.  Everything is harder when you’re tired, and it seems more overwhelming. I’m a much more flexible and kind person when I’m rested – to myself and those around me!

    2) Regular, nourishing meals – What can I say, skipping meals leads to low blood sugar and irritation.  You have to eat! And once you’re eating, include foods that your body recognizes as food – not stuff that’s so processed than even a prehistoric wouldn’t have a long enough memory to remember where it came from!

    3) Make time to do something that you love, something that renews your inner self.  It doesn’t have to be every day, it doesn’t have to take a long time – but make some space for this to happen in your life.

    Now, I know you’re wondering, “but how can I take care of myself when there are so many more important things that need to be done?”

    Nothing is more important than lovingly taking care of yourself.  Really.  Read that again and again, say it out loud until you start to believe it.

    And then make the commitment to yourself to put first things first, recognizing where you belong on your to-do list: at the very top.

    Avivah

  • In My Words – video

    In My Words – video

    This is not your typical video – you may feel impatient or irritable for the first few minutes, wondering what the point of what you’re seeing is.

    Don’t turn it off.  It will become clear very soon and it’s worth the wait.

    At about 3.5 minutes, via a voice synthesizer the person in the video explains her actions and perspective, asking some very profound questions about what communication, intelligence and thought is really all about.

    I found this presentation highly insightful and thought-provoking.

    What do you think?

    Avivah

  • If you want to be happy, this is what you need to invest in!

    If you want to be happy, this is what you need to invest in!

    Sorry I’ve been AWOL for a while!  I’ve been having computer issues that have been dramatically limiting my computer access.  The issue isn’t resolving as quickly as I would like (to put it mildly!) so I’m using it as an opportunity to practice patience and remembering to allow life to happen on G-d’s timeline and let go of my idea of when things have to happen.

    —————————

    If you ask young people what’s most important to them, they’re likely to say ‘making money’ or ‘becoming famous’.  So much of our society is focused on these external goals.  While those goals are of value,  in a 75 year study of over 700 men, researchers wanted to determine- what makes a good life?  Is it the things that we strive for when we’re starting our adult lives?

    The primary message to emerge from this study is that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.  It’s nice to have more relationships and connections, but what matters more than the number of relationships is the quality of those relationships.

    As I watched the video above, I thought about my own life and agreed that this is what has brought me the most happiness.  My husband and I celebrated our 24th anniversary a week ago, tomorrow our youngest will turn 4 and two days later our oldest will turn 23.  So this is annually a period in which I’m conscious of completing one stage and turning the page to a new stage.

    Over this period of time, there have been times of financial stress and of abundance, of physical health and physical challenge, of struggles and of triumphs.  Sometimes external validation has been there and sometimes it hasn’t. But throughout it all, the relationships with my immediate family members has given me a sense of stability and satisfaction.

    It’s knowing the power of effectively investing in relationships that motivates my work as a parenting consultant.  As much as good relationships add to the quality of one’s life, constant conflict and stress in relationships downgrades your happiness  – even if in other areas you seem to have it all.  Often people feel hopeless and frustrated about relationships with their spouse and children, but just because that’s how it is now doesn’t mean that’s how it needs to stay.

    We all want happiness but as the speaker above said, relationships can be complicated and messy, it’s hard work and it’s life-long.  However, the benefits of creating those relationships are deeply valuable; they heavily influences physical health, emotional health, cognitive health and life span.

    After all these years of marriage, I continue to look for ways to invest in my marital relationship.  I shared with you about going away together for the weekend recently; we also go out once a week together.  It’s not where we go but just making space away from the house and kids that matters.  But once a week wouldn’t be enough if we didn’t connect during the week!  If a couple of days go by without having significant conversation together (not the day to day business of co-running a home kind of talk), it feels like something important is missing.

    How do you invest in keeping relationships healthy and strong?  If your relationships aren’t supportive of you, what can you do to improve them or find other ways to nurture yourself?

    Avivah

  • What you think about someone affects how you see them

    What you think about someone affects how you see them

    In a recent parenting class, I talked about the power that a parent’s thoughts has on a child.  Without saying a word, the way we think about our children affects how we act toward them and in turn affects how they respond to us.  To paraphrase the quote of Norman Vincent Peale above: “Change your thoughts and you change your child’s world.”

    The way we interpret what we see in our children from a young age gives substantial form to the people they become.  Do you see your child who flits from one activity to another as impulsive or creative?  When he pulls down all the books from the shelf, is he being destructive or curious?  When he would rather do something that interests him than a task you ask him to do, is he lazy or passionate about the things he cares about?

    In the following short video, six different photographers are asked to spend ten minutes getting to know a man in order to do a portrait of him.  Each photographer is given a false story about him.

    The result?  Six portraits that are portray a completely different person.

    I love the quote at the end:  “A photograph is shaped more by the person behind the camera than by what is in front of it.”

    This is so, so true.

    One of the most important jobs we have as parents is to mirror to our child his potential and awesomeness – especially when we aren’t seeing that in the moment!   We have to believe in our children until they’re old enough to believe in themselves.

    In a different class, an attendee told me she felt this idea was in conflict with what I shared about the importance of accepting your child for who he is.  To me there’s no conflict.  You accept your child for who he is right now.  That doesn’t mean accepting a limiting definition of him in the present.  It means you see who he is right now in the most positive light that you can, and you also believe in his potential to grow beyond what you see in this moment.

    Not only does looking for the good in your child impact him positively, it also impacts you positively! As you view your child in a way that gives you hope and joy, you’ll find yourself parenting from a place of increased calm and connection.

    Avivah

  • Nurturing myself by nurturing my marriage – my trip to Tiberias with dh

    Nurturing myself by nurturing my marriage – my trip to Tiberias with dh

    Dh is having a significant birthday in a week, and we decided to celebrate by spending the weekend in Tiberias – without our children!

    The last time we did this was over ten years ago, and it was wonderful, amazing, renewing – something everyone should do when their stage of life allows for it. Couple time is so critical. There’s a reason you married your spouse!

    It’s easy to forget what brought you together when you’re caught up in the busyness of life and you feel like two ships passing in the night or partnering business associates checking in about the tasks of the day.  Creating time to recharge and  reconnect allows you to renew and deepen your appreciation of one another.

    And getting out of the house completely changes the energy.  I enjoy being at home and spending time with dh, but the dishes and laundry and kids are all still there and even when I create physical space to speak with dh without interruption, in my mind it’s hard to put everything to the side.

    lake of galileeOur trip to Tiberias definitely was getting away!  The trip by bus was about 5 hours each direction.  The hotel we stayed at had a stunning view from high above the Sea of Galilee and we both agreed that just being able to sit quietly with the palm trees blowing, the birds chirping and the inspiring view was enough of a reason to have made the trip.  It was literally that centering.

    But we also enjoyed the  food (that we didn’t have to prepare and clean up from) and the restful hotel environment, which is so different from home.  Conversations that weren’t interrupted ten times with various children going in and out, time to nap and read and talk about what we were reading and just be present in the moment-  it was wonderful.

    We both agreed that this is something that we would like to begin to make a yearly event instead of waiting for a special occasion!

    If you’re wondering who was holding down the fort, it was dd19, ds17, dd15 and ds13. They celebrated ds7’s birthday while we were gone and the kids all told us they had a great Shabbos with dd19 and ds17 in charge.

    Years ago I resisted going away, feeling I couldn’t leave young children without me.  And in fact, I don’t take these trips away when I have very young children.  But we mothers can always find something to feel guilty about!  When we leave the house for our ‘couple time’ (and this includes our weekly date nights), I also leave behind any guilt!  Really, what is better for children than growing up in a home where their parents consciously take time to nurture their relationship?

    Avivah

  • Staying centered in the midst of my pre-Pesach baking fiasco

    Staying centered in the midst of my pre-Pesach baking fiasco

    My goal for the late afternoon today was to get a significant chunk of the Pesach cooking and baking done.  But sometimes, you can do your best and things just don’t seem to cooperate!

    I started with a new marble cake recipe.  I cooked up a chocolate syrup to use for the marbling, made the entire cake and put it in the oven.  I thought it looked like a small recipe.  Maybe it would rise once it was baking? I wondered.  Well, on to the brownies.

    As I made the brownies, I noticed the package of potato starch was still closed. I looked around, knowing I had just used it for the marble cake. Oh, no, it seems I must have forgotten that. That’s why the recipe looked so small.  I pulled the pan out of the oven (fortunately I hadn’t yet started to bake it), mixed in the potato starch and then my marble cake became a pale chocolate cake.  But it will still taste good, right?

    I finished mixing the brownies and after pouring it into the baking pan, asked ds17 to taste it just to make sure it was okay and jokingly said, “Just to make sure I didn’t forget the sugar or something!”  He tasted it and said, “It needs more sugar”.  No, that’s not what he was supposed to say!

    I looked at the recipe, and then saw that when I copied it, I didn’t write in the sugar!  Instead of writing 1 3/4 c. cup sugar, 3/4 c. potato starch, I wrote – 1 3/4 c. potato starch.  Yes, I followed the recipe perfectly but the recipe was imperfectly written so it didn’t matter!

    I was able to add the missing sugar but had already added more than double the amount of potato starch.  That didn’t bode well for a good consistency, but hopefully it would still taste good.

    Next I put a large pan of coconut macaroons in the oven – it was a new recipe that I slightly adapted, much easier than ones that I’ve made in the past and they have a really nice taste and moistness.  I’ll try to post it for you before Pesach begins.

    Then the power blew.  Months ago when time this happened it was because there was a malfunction with the stove thermostat.  But we had the malfunctioning part replaced so why was it happening now?  Then the power went back on and the stove did, too, so I was reassured that there was nothing to worry about.

    I took out the perfectly browned macaroons and put in a large pan of Pesach granola. Right after that we started bedikas chametz (search for leavened bread), which is done the night before Pesach.  Ds6, ds8 and ds10 had a great time hiding the well-wrapped pieces of chametz with the supervision of an older sibling – this time ds22.

    Dh is great at making mitzvos enjoyable for the kids and he really gets them into it.  They were laughing and giving him clues (“warmer, warmer, no colder – very cold”) when he got close to where they hid the pieces for him to find.  I went to stir the granola so it wouldn’t burn but it didn’t seem to be cooking very quickly.  After another couple of times when I checked it, I started to think it wasn’t cooking at all.  And then I noticed that the oven was just warm and the delicious smells that had been emanating from my oven were no longer present.

    Well.  My oven wasn’t working and I still had the bulk of my cooking to do!  Ds17 said, ‘Isn’t this a big problem for you right now?  Why aren’t you worried?”  I told him not to think that my lack of emotional reaction was because I wasn’t going to do something about it.  I would, when we finished bedikas chametz, but we could take care of it without getting uptight about it.

    Even if you put effort into personal development, it’s hard to be aware of how you’ve grown since real change takes place slowly and over a long period of time.  When ds made this comment, my lack of anxiety about the broken stove in the middle of my baking marathon juxtaposed with the comparison to how I would have reacted to this years ago.  That flash of clarity as to how far I’ve come was really a gift to me.

    We finished bedikas chametz and dh called the electrician who had come in the past.  It’s so nice when you have someone competent and reliable and responsible who you already have a relationship with and trust, who can help you out in a situation like this!

    I was anticipating the oven being speedily repaired – maybe he would even come within an hour or so!

    Um, not quite. Actually, he notified us that he isn’t working anymore before Pesach.  No, not for anyone.  No, not even for us.  🙂  And he’s not working until after Pesach.  Dh asked him if he knew electricians who would be working.  No, he didn’t.  That definitely changes my plans for Pesach baking!

    It was right after this I received my delivery of 20 dozen eggs.   Usually I use half of that for a week but because of my plans to do a lot of Pesach baking, I didn’t want to run short.  But by the time they arrived, I already had to adjust my plans for what I would be making.  Good thing my family likes eggs!

    I was so grateful to have made what I did before my oven broke:

    • The marble-cake- turned- chocolate cake turned out great.
    • Rather than being dry and overly dense due to my mistake with the potato starch, the brownies were gooey – probably because the heating element blew before they were completely finished baking.  I think once they cool off and set they’ll be perfect but if they’re still loose, we’ll freeze them and serve them as a frozen dessert.
    • The macaroons baked completely and well.
    • The granola was easily completed by toasting it in a frying pan.

    Since I’m now ovenless, I’m going to be doing the rest of my Pesach cooking on my stovetop this year.  This week I invested in several new pots which I bought for a marvelously discounted price, to supplement the two Pesach pots that I had.  I already felt very abundant about this addition to my Pesach kitchen, but how amazingly timely and helpful it is that with the help of these pots I’ll now be able to more easily compensate for the lack of an oven!

    thats-ok

    Often life doesn’t go according to my plan (and I bet often it doesn’t go according to yours, either!), but when I adjust myself to life instead of fighting it or fuming about why things don’t go my way, life is so much more enjoyable.

    Happy Pesach to you all!

    Avivah

     

     

  • Writing with your right brain – connecting to your intuitive wisdom

    Writing with your right brain – connecting to your intuitive wisdom

    Almost two years ago I was badly burned in a kitchen accident, and while I was hospitalized had plenty of time to reflect about what had happened and what I was meant to learn from it.

    Today, I was looking back through my journal from that time and reread some passages that were particularly powerful.  To get clarity when I was grappling to find a positive message for what I went through, I used an approach that I had never used before when journaling – writing questions with my dominant hand and writing responses with my non-dominant hand.

    Most of us primarily process using our intellect.  And that’s great, but sometimes when we need to access our intuitive wisdom, it’s so deeply buried or out of use that there’s a echoing silence instead of the voice our souls speaking to us.  Sometimes there’s the confusion of different messages vying for your attention and it’s hard to know what to listen to.

    left brain right brainA way to bypass the intellectual and perfectionist left brain and get in touch with your intuition (which I call the voice of the soul) is to write using your non-dominant hand, which connects to your right brain.  The right brain is intuitive and creative.

    This is what I did in the hospital.  When I used the alternate hand writing, I was deeply touched by the messages of self-love and concern for self-care that emerged, messages that helped me to keep the first things first and recognize what the first things were.

    After rereading these notes today, I decided to use the process again to get clarity on some of the thoughts that have been swirling around in my mind the last couple of days that are related to my teaching and consulting.  Why should I wait for a major trauma to unlock the wisdom and clarity right inside of me?

    My question today was, what should I be focusing on right now?

    The answers I’ve gotten using non-dominant hand writing haven’t been the answers I’ve expected or gone in the direction I would have anticipated!  It’s fascinating to see answers emerge that get to the heart of an issue while sometimes seeming not to directly address the issue at all.

    Here’s an answer to the question above: “Focus on what brings you joy.  Remember that self-care takes time and energy, and leave time for that.  You will always be dutiful but do what makes your soul feel alive.  Friends are important.  Nature and sunlight and greenery are important.  Sleep.  Remember you are enough as you are and give yourself time to relax and have margin without feeling guilty….”

    This was amazingly centering for me.  I went on to write other questions that were more targeted to some specific things I was thinking about.  It was really interesting to notice my entire mental state shifting when writing.  It takes a long time for me to write using my non-dominant hand and all of my energy is focused on that.  It’s hard for me to explain the state I shifted into when using this process – I was in a completely different zone.  By the time I finished, I was exhausted but had a deep feeling of clarity and calm and knowingness.

    To do this, it’s pretty easy to get started.  The main thing is not to think when you write with your non-dominant hand – write whatever comes into your mind and let whatever comes out, come out.

    If you’ve used this technique, I’d love to hear what your experience was like!

    Avivah

  • How to make time in your life for what matters most

    time-awareness

    “I always feel that I don’t have time to sit and do anything, but I suspect that my phone is the mysterious time gobbler. Perhaps if I had a good book of these (adult coloring books) I’d even put down my phone for it. I’m certain it would be healthier than following the “news”. My daughter has 3-4 she got as gifts and I actual feel wistful when I look at them.”

    I really understand the hidden time suck that can pull our time and attention away from things we care about most!

    For a long time when people would make recommendations of things they thought I’d enjoy – books, activities, etc – I’d often think to myself, ‘it sounds nice but I just don’t have the time’.

    Of course, if I would tell the person this, they would usually agree that I really was busy.  No one is going to tell someone with ten children that she’s not really that busy!  And to be fair to myself, my life is full of good things.  But it doesn’t mean that there isn’t room for something else.

    I passionately believe in the ability of a person to choose and proactively create the life he wants to have.  Yet when I used ‘busyness’ as an excuse,  I was denying my own power of choice about how my time was being spent.

    Everyone is given the same 24 hours every day.  No one has more time than anyone else. At some point, I began to ask myself, am I really as busy as I think I am?  Where is my time going and am I happy about where I’m investing my life energy?

    Asking myself this question wasn’t easy, because it meant being willing to hear the answers.  I had to acknowledge to myself that I spent too much time online and stop justifying to myself that this was appropriate downtime at the end of a full and busy day.   Even though much of my ‘relaxation’ was productive (blogging, researching), too much of it wasn’t.  For example, I didn’t need to read news articles about how the world is falling apart.  It gave me a false sense of connection or influence, a sense that somehow I was doing something by reading the article and feeling outraged.

    Once I did this exercise in honesty, I decided it was time to shift this pattern and use that time in a way that was more in line with my goals.

    But it’s not so simple to change a long standing habit.  Not at all.  Especially when that habit provided me with my only quiet time during the day without children around.

    I began increasing my boundaries around my computer time by thinking of it as an act of self-love.  Had I tried to shame myself into change by lambasting myself for being lazy or undisciplined, it never would have worked!  At some point I made my computer my ally instead of my temptation by setting it to shut down by 10:30 or 11 pm.  That took away some of the struggle to discipline myself to be time-conscious when I was so tired.

    Bit by bit, I made time for other things in my life by using this same process – honestly assessing how much time was being spent on various activities, was it time well spent, and considering how I could use the time differently in a way I would feel good about.

    It’s not easy to do this. As I’ve changed my use of time to reflect my higher values, it’s increased my sense of well-being and balance.  And perhaps ironically, I’ve been able to be of more service to others because I made taking care of myself more of a priority.

    Avivah

  • Increasing the relaxation and fun in my life – coloring for adults

    In the last year I’ve been consciously increasing my level of self-care.  Putting yourself first is something that intellectually I’ve believed in but not put enough focus on in the busyness of day to day living and taking care of all of those around me.

    As a result of my increased focus on self-care, my life feels more sane and balanced.  This is despite my week being more full than ever teaching parenting classes and working with private clients, in addition to homeschooling five children and my other responsibilities.

    I continue to look for ways to increase my self-nurturing, and when someone mentioned the idea of coloring books for adults, I was intrigued.  Coloring has been found to help people unwind, destress and get into a meditative state that accesses the right side of the brain.  I frequently attach my shaded doodles to whatever scrap of paper happens to be in front of me when I’m on the phone so coloring in detailed artistic scenes sounded enjoyable to me.

    It’s interesting to me that coloring for adults has become so popular and yet for children there are many voices who maintain that coloring blocks creativity!  While telling a child what and how to color can be constraining, letting him color as he wants isn’t the same thing.  I see it as a nice way to be quietly mindful and focused on what is in front of you without having your mind racing with thoughts about other things you need to do.  Most kids can benefit from some time to calm down and do a focused activity just as much as adults.

    My kids have been watching me color three different pages of mandalas and it’s piquing their interest to do something similar.  This morning ds8 told me it looked fun and when I asked if it looked like something he would enjoy, he nodded with an eager smile.  I’ll keep my eyes open for something detailed but simpler than what they have for adults.

    I purchased a basic set of colored pencils but these didn’t give a strong enough color for me to feel satisfied with the result.  Then I got a set of markers and colored pens, and so far like the colored pens best.  The markers would be great if the tip was finer.  Ideally I’d like a wide range of colors to use but only the artist quality colored pencil sets had that, and I’m not yet ready to invest $100 on them!

    This is an inexpensive activity that can take as much or as little time as you have, and I’m enjoying it.  It’s gratifying that instead of my scratching covering little scraps of paper, I end up with lovely pictures instead.

    The only downside I can think of is if you feel pressured to finish a picture in one setting and then push yourself to spend more time than you have available to complete it.  But that’s the same issue that comes up with many other hobbies and activities.

    Avivah

  • Shifting Parenting Paradigms workshop in Ramat Beit Shemesh

    Shifting Parenting Paradigms workshop in Ramat Beit Shemesh

    paradigm_shift1[1]When I began actively rescripting my thinking and actions at the age of 17, what was most helpful to  me was to participate in an interactive weekly support group that was a combination of learning new information, listening to the experience of others and sharing my experience.  This was crucial support for the most important aspect of learning to live successfully with others –  learning to manage yourself and your emotions.

    “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at CHANGE.” Wayne Dyer

    I see many women who – once they’ve learned a given approach – intellectually know what they want to do and how they want to do it.  The academic aspect of sharing a different parenting paradigm can be covered in a given amount of hours. But parenting isn’t an academic process!

    In the past I’ve given classes for a set number of sessions but would like to do something different now to create a framework for ongoing learning and mentoring.

    mountain-climb-helpThis new group will allow for ample discussion and interaction.  I’ll be speaking about shifting your parenting paradigm, sharing helpful insights and practical tools, and talking about lots of different things that relate to you being a happier, more empowered parent.

    We’ll be meeting from 8:30 – 9:30 pm on Sunday evenings at 4 Nachal Sorek, apartment 8, RBS-A, starting this Sunday, Jan. 10.    The first class will be free and give you a sense of my approach and direction.  After that there will be a fee of 100 shekels a month, with a one month commitment.

    If you have more questions, feel free to email me at avivahwerner@yahoo.com.

    Avivah