Category Archives: Self-Growth

Recap of Ancient Israel herbalism conference

Healthy Living, home remedies, Self-Growth

Where do I start?!

I enjoyed every single second of this conference, which was wonderful in every way from start to finish.

First of all, the location was amazing. The conference was held in a resort in Poriya, and I don’t think you could find a more physically glorious location. The panoramic view in all directions of the Kineret and surrounding mountains was stunning. The weather was perfect, warm and sunny.

I didn’t think much about who the attendees would be when I registered; I was going for the opportunity to increase my knowledge. I didn’t expect to know anyone there other than two of the organizers, but I was pleasantly surprised! I met an attendee of the 2010 Torah Home Education Conference that I organized in the US (who recently made aliya), someone who contacted me a couple of years ago about potential communities to move to in Israel, someone who contacted me nine years ago for family advice, someone else who contacted me for a session, someone I had known online for 17 years but finally met in person, someone who had spent Shabbos with us in Yavneel…it seemed everywhere I turned I was seeing familiar names.

And it wasn’t just the people who I had some prior connection with who I enjoyed spending time with. There were a lot of really awesome people and I made some new friends. It was wonderful to be with people who shared my belief in the amazing ability of the immune system to heal, and are also interested in learning more ways to strengthen the entire body that are nourishing and non-toxic.

The speakers. Wow. What a lineup of incredibly knowledgeable and experienced practitioners. I attended as many workshops and lectures as I could, but it was impossible to be at three places at once so I can only share about the talks that I attended.

I missed the opening circle on Tuesday afternoon but got there immediately afterward in time for dinner, which was the perfect time to begin to meet other attendees. (All the meals were delicious and abundant, and every meal was a time that I enjoyed getting to know people.)

Afterwards, there was a talk by the three organizers of the conference. Conference founder Rivkah Asoulin, herbalist and fertility consultant, knocked it out of the park with her powerful comments about healing, intuition and bodily integrity, and Gilla Weiss and Chava Dagan were also fantastic as they talked about the role of feminine healing.

I then stayed for hours talking to other attendees, and got home close to midnight. That was really enjoyable but I didn’t get much sleep before the next day’s busy schedule!

I appreciated being able to attend on a day pass, which allowed me to be present for my kids in the morning, and then get there in time for breakfast. After arriving towards the end of breakfast, shortly after the first talk of the day began.

Sara Chana Silverstein, US herbalist, homeopath, lactation consultant and speaker gave an amazing talk about how to do intake of clients, which sounded like a dry topic but I think she must make every topic fascinating. I thought it would have no relevance for me since I’m not a practitioner but it was very interesting.

Nir Avraham, founder of Trifolium, Israel’s first one hundred percent herbal pharmacy, spoke about the healing power of assorted herbs in the mint family. While I was familiar with most of the herbs, I gained technical knowledge that I didn’t have.

Next I attended a two hour talk by Matthew Wood on blood indicators. While that sounds like another dry topic, it was fascinating. Matthew is the author of many books about herbs and has helped tens of thousands of people over his decades of practice. He’s filled with knowledge, experience and great stories, and is a genuinely down to earth person, caring person.

We had lunch, and I then participated in a plant walk led by Peretz and Roni Gan, herbalists, agronomists and founders of Al Alim Center for Herbal Medicine. During a plant walk, local plants are identified and the qualities of each are discussed. I especially these hands-on learning opportunities.

Herbalist and doula Gilla Weiss was an online friend of many years and it was a joy to finally meet in person. As a doula and herbalist, she is extremely knowledgeable and experienced regarding the use of herbs in pregnancy and postpartum, and I participated in her workshop for birth and postpartum herbs. I appreciated the opportunity to walk away with a lovely blend of herbs and while I made mixtures like these for myself in the past, I feel inspired to make more of these blends to share with daughters and daughters-in-law.

Next was dinner, followed by a musical ensemble. Since the night before I didn’t get home until almost midnight since I was enjoy chatting so much, I disciplined myself to leave earlier and got home at 10 pm so I would get enough sleep to more fully enjoy the next day’s session.

The last day began with breakfast, where I sat with a journalist who wrote for a well-known Israel international news site. I told him that seeing his articles in the first months of the ‘pandemic’ were encouraging to me at a time that I wondered if journalism was dead. He flatly replied, “It is.”

We then had a thought-provoking conversation about as a writer, what and how to share, and my conflicts in that regard. He suggested that I write – just for myself – all the things that I want to talk about, and then maybe at one point, maybe in years, I’ll feel ready to pull them all out. He made the decision to quit the news site he was writing for, and to leave behind the stress, high blood pressure and having to fight for every article that he wrote, and instead moved to a different organization. I could have sat there for much, much longer with him and his wife, but the next talk was beginning so we cut it short.

The first talk of the day was a talk by Matthew Wood on plant energetics. It was another interesting and educational talk with lots of great stories and examples.

I next attended a workshop on making herbal creams, with Boaz Tzur, Israeli herbalist and producer of his own line of herbal creams, tinctures and other products. I’ve made salve in the past and making a cream is just one step up from that. Now that I have some direction on how to do this, I’m planning to experiment with making a cream of my own after the wedding and Pesach are over.

Next I attended another plant walk, this time with a foraging focus, led by Kate Breslaw. I appreciated hearing a different perspective, and again seeing some of the plants I had first learned about the day before was very helpful. It takes time to learn to recognize plants and I now have two new plants to add my repertoire of wild edibles that I’m comfortable foraging (wild lettuce and cleavers), and a third, lambsquarter, that I’m not sure I’ll easily recognize but will be looking for it. (There were more than just these herbs talked about, but others I was familiar with already.)

Then we had our final meal at the conference, before continuing with the next workshops.

I was conflicted about which workshop to attend, and signed up and then unsigned up for both. The two options I couldn’t decide between was making a botanical beeswax candle, or herbs for veterinary use. I decided to do something fun, since I had so much information I was accruing, but after a few minutes waiting for the candle making to begin, checked in with myself and felt it would be a better fit for me at that moment to attend the pet workshop.

That was a great decision, and I enjoyed every minute of it! This was led by Chava Dagan, with whom I felt an affinity before I had any idea how many interests we share (that I didn’t know about until I looked at her website after the conference). I really enjoyed her presentation style, which was a natural fit for me, and the information about how to use herbs to keep animals healthy was validating and encouraging.

The conference ended with a panel of almost all the herbalists who had spoken, followed by a closing circle.

I got so much value for every single shekel spent, and was so glad that I attended. I don’t know what next year will hold, but if Ancient Roots Israel has another conference, I’ll certainly want to attend.

Now I need to go through all of my notes to process and organize the information, so it doesn’t stay on the written pages! I also want to order a couple more books on herbalism – I only have two – to have some good resource material on hand to easily access.

Avivah

Parenting – get clear on your goals, know who you are and where you want to go

Homeschooling, Parenting, Self-Growth

In the middle of writing my last post, I did a search in my inbox using a keyword that didn’t pull up what I was looking for, but did result in me finding some things I had written about homeschooling in the past that I had long forgotten having written. The following was shared on a Orthodox Jewish homeschooling email list at the end of November 2004. I was active on this listserve for years and loved the far ranging and fascinating conversations we had (no comparison to the brief answers given on a FB group), but it’s been closed for many years now.

However, the questions and responses are just as relevant today as they were then and though specifically addressing homeschooling, are just as applicable to any parent thinking about his approach to parenting.

>>Hi, I just joined the list. I have a 21-month-old boy, who is nowhere near ready for school yet, but I’m thinking about home schooling, yet need to learn more about it. One thing that I want to be able to visualize is the structure (or non-structure) of home schooling–i.e., how is the learning set up. Please enlighten.<<

I think you are incredibly fortunate to have the opportunity to learn about homeschooling before your children are school age.  Homeschooling is a remarkable opportunity, precisely because it is so individual.  One person’s schedule may look totally different from someone else’s, but what counts is how it works for that family.  

I prefer a relaxed approach, and find it very effective for my family and my goals.  What I find stimulating and productive might seem too undefined to some, too busy to others.  A couple of weeks ago I was talking to a homeschooling mom who was proudly telling me her schedule, and I had the strongest feeling of sympathy for her kids, but it seemed to work for their family.  (This might also have been related to her answer to my question about her homeschooling style – “We push through until we get it right.”  My question followed her description of how she forced her kids to play sports even though they came home crying after every session. But I digress.) 

She has four kids, ages 4 – 10, and starts at 9 am every day, and goes until 3:30 or 4 pm every day, with an hour for lunch.  She isn’t Jewish, so she isn’t doing a dual curriculum, so in my opinion, this was overkill.  Gosh, I felt like I had hives listening to her.  But then again, she might have had the same feeling listening to me.

As someone else suggested, read up on homeschooling. Don’t limit yourself to any one approach – read about them all, and you will find yourself developing your own ideas and opinions as to how you want to do things for your family.  Think about what education means to you – is it the same as schooling?  Why or why not?  What do you think is positive about the school experience?  What is negative?  Why?  How do your children learn best?  How do you perform best?  What are your goals – not just regarding academics, which may be one of the less important things in raising children, but in terms of character development, etc.?

Homeschooling and parenting styles overlap so much that it becomes hard to distinguish where one ends and the other begins.  Talk to people, get ideas, but most importantly, give yourself lots of time to think through the issues yourself.  And for now, just continue enjoying your child – it will be years before you will need to do anything in a more structured way than what you are already doing.  

Avivah – mom to (then) six great kids in Baltimore

Training a wild horse and teaching a child boundaries

Parenting, Self-Growth

Today my husband got a call from someone who owns a couple of horses. He and my husband went horseback riding a while ago, and at that time the guy mentioned that his horses don’t get enough exercise.

My husband suggested that our boys might be able to help out some time with the horses. Quite a lot of time went by, and finally today the owner reached out to find out if they were available. They were.

When they got back, I asked what they did. The horses have gotten wild from lack of regular riding and need to be retrained. So the boys can’t ride them right away. They spent their time today standing in the middle of the pen, holding the rope the horse was tied to and having the horse walk in a circle around them. The idea is to teach the horses to go when told to go, and to stop when told to stop. The horses have to learn they can’t do whatever they want, but to do what they’re told. It’s been over a year since the horses have done this, and though they were trained in the past, now need to be reminded of what is expected and then practice those behaviors.

Since these horse aren’t learning these behaviors for the first time, they should be able to progress fairly quickly from one stage to the next. Next time the boys will ride them inside the pen, and then progress from there until they are riding the horses freely.

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You know what’s coming, right? I can’t help but see examples of the parenting process everywhere I look!

When a child isn’t used to having clear expectations and boundaries, he’s going to get wild and misbehave. He’ll be really unpleasant to be around. This behavior isn’t a reflection of the character of a child, but a reflection of the lack of regular ‘training’. I feel very strongly that it’s crucial that children are taught to be respectful. Letting kids do what they want and not taking the time to actively guide them generally comes from a place of not knowing what to do, and for many parents, believing that it’s enough to love them.

Yes, love is the critical component, but we show our love with our actions. True love means actively giving children clear boundaries and teaching them to be responsible and respectful human beings. While some kids figure it out on their own in spite of their upbringing, it doesn’t generally happen by itself.

To begin to teach a child who is out of control about boundaries, you can’t begin with major expectations and demands and expect that you’re going to whip them into shape and have them ready to jump when you speak. You have to walk before you can ride. 🙂

It would have been asking for trouble for my son to hop on top of the horse and try to ride him. The horse wouldn’t have been ready to listen to him. Your child has to be used to listening to you with small things before you can expect him to be responsive to you with big things.

What do you do when a child is out of control, wild and won’t listen?

You begin with a teaching process as to what is expected and what is accepted, while simultaneously building the relationship with positive interactions. You start with small interactions as you keep them ‘on a short rope’, keeping them close to you and immediately redirecting them if they get off track. You give them a chance to be successful with the small things, and as they develop self-discipline and respect for what you tell them, you
gradually lengthen the rope while continuing to build the relationship with positive interactions.

When your child is clear about boundaries and you have a relationship of trust with one another, you can give them a lot of independence. I give my children a lot of space. You don’t need to micromanage their activities, though periodic redirection as needed is appropriate. But just as it would have been dangerous for my sons to get on those horses today when they were untrained and resistant to authority, it’s asking for problems to give a child independence before they’ve developed the ability to manage themselves and be responsive to the guidance of their parents.

Avivah

How to give without becoming resentful

Self-Growth

Over Shavuos I was rereading a book that I find meaningful and inspiring, Emuna with Love and Chicken Soup: Henny Machlis, the Brooklyn-born girl who became a Jerusalem legend. Rebbetzin Machlis was an incredible person with a heart filled with love and concern for others who did hospitality and other acts of kindness on a legendary level. She had clarity about her role and mission, and she accomplished amazing things during her life of just 57 years.

Inspired by my reading, over the holiday we were discussing the idea of doing more open-hearted hosting of guests. I have a need for privacy and personal space that makes it a challenge for me to embrace more than a fraction of Henny’s level of giving, but each person can increase their good deeds in their own way and that’s what I was thinking about. Though I’ve done a lot of hosting over the years (and still regularly have guests), it’s not an area I feel inspired to invest more efforts into.

It’s not hard to give if you receive profuse thanks for your efforts. However, how can you give without feeling resentment when your efforts don’t receive recognition, or are taken for granted? I was thinking a lot about this, because when something is hard for me I need more positive feedback to offset that. Then something happened that helped me find my answer to this.

That same day we had this conversation about hosting, I was asked to visit with a mother of a new baby who wasn’t feeling well. After I left, I thought about how to help this mother, and my first thoughts were to find bigger solutions. But I’m not the source of bigger solutions, so it left me feeling useless.

Then I thought it would be better to think what I could do to help that would fit into my schedule and match my giving capacity at this time. I can’t offer to take care of a bunch of small children at my home, or go there to babysit for an extended period. So what could I do?

I have a 45 minute window for 7:15 – 8 am after my kids go on their van to school, before I get busy with my tasks for the day. So I knocked at their door and told her husband I had 45 minutes to help with post-holiday clean up.

Since they’re a much smaller family than mine, their dishes are a drop in the bucket for me! In the time I had, I was able to wash the dishes, clean the counters and sweep the floor.

On my way out, I noticed the laundry hamper was full and took it home with me. I have a big washing machine and enjoy doing laundry, so that’s easy for me.

The mother was sleeping after being up for hours in the night with her sick baby, so she didn’t see me when I was there. We happened to bump into each other at the health clinic later that morning, and she thanked me for the lovely surprise of waking up to a clean kitchen.

Since I did tasks that were doable for me, I didn’t need the approbation and appreciation I would have needed if I had done something that was a big stretch. I felt good about my actions but there was nothing that I did that felt hard or noble, that I would be constantly telling myself how amazing I am for doing these incredible acts of kindness or feel frustrated that my kindnesses weren’t adequately noticed.

All of my initial thoughts about how to help felt hard for me. My lesson to myself is to do the things that are a fit with who I am and the resources I have available. If it feels like too much, chances are that’s not the right thing for me to do at this time. It’s better to extend one’s self with something smaller and be able to help again in the future, than to burn oneself out and feel frustrated/hostile/resentful by taking on something too big.

As far as big things, if a person starts small and works up, over time his capacity for giving grows and later on those big things become doable to him. It’s undeniable that Rebbetzin Machlis continually grew her capacity for giving. Something I really appreciated about her biography is that the focus wasn’t on, ‘look how amazing this person is’, but on how she became the person she became. And that’s actually inspiring, because then there are steps a person can take to become a better person himself.

Avivah

My father-in-law’s passing and musings about memories we leave behind

Parenting, Self-Growth

Thirty years ago, my husband and I dated and then got engaged while we were both studying in Israel. Afterwards we flew back to the US to meet each other’s parents.

It was erev Pesach when he picked me up to take me to meet his parents. I was going to be spending the seder and the subsequent meals of the first two days of the holiday with them. It was a rainy day, and he admits he was a little distracted and didn’t notice the exit we were meant to take until it was almost too late; he exited the highway too quickly, the car spun out of control on the slick road and we crashed into the side of the road. It was at the service station we had been towed to that I first met my father-in-law, when he came to pick us up.

He was kind and gracious, notable since it was his car my husband had been driving, and it was a few hours before Pesach began, a time that is generally very busy. This gentle, kind quality is something that has been consistent throughout the years.

At the beginning of this week my husband got a call that his father was suddenly given a very short time to live, and to get there as soon as possible. He was able to get a flight that night, and was there for three days, waiting for what we all knew was inevitable. He passed this morning.

My husband was the only one of my immediate family to be present at the funeral in person, but the rest of us were present via webcast for the funeral services. It was a gift to be able to participate in that way, to hear what was shared about my father-in-law. All of what was said was consistent with my own experience.

Afterward I spoke with my oldest son, and we talked about how a person’s life is summed up in just a few minutes. What are you remembered for when you’re no longer here? It really comes down to character and relationships. I would hazard a guess that even someone who was professionally very successful would not have this directly referenced as his greatest legacy unless he had no relationships that were of significance.

It’s not comfortable to think about what people will say about you at your funeral (at least for me it’s not), but I think it’s worth asking one’s self what you want them to say.

I’ve been thinking lately about acts of kindness. A couple of weeks ago, the weekly Torah portion included the concept of loving another person as yourself. We shared several stories at our Shabbos table of how people extended themselves for others, and I felt very aware that I have plenty of room to grow in this area.

Also in the last couple of weeks, the indoor mask mandates in Israel have been dropped, and I feel differently when I’m out and about. Warmer, more open, more friendly, more kind. More like the person I used to be. That means that my normative behavior has become more closed and self-focused in the last couple of years when I’m in public.

My newest daughter-in-law has an aunt and uncle in Baltimore (where my in-laws live) who during this week have been a beautiful model of how to reach out to others. They have visited the hospital daily, brought loads of food, sung and prayed with my father-in-law, picked up my husband from the airport, driven for hours to the burial in New Jersey – hardly knowing my in-laws or us. That kind of response comes from people who are so used to doing acts of service for others that they do it as naturally as breathing.

I think that when one is more open-hearted, one naturally notices others and wants to be of assistance. It’s first and foremost a way of thinking, that leads to a way of acting. I feel like a person who has been sleeping and has to shake off the lethargy, and consciously remind myself to do the kind of things I used to do on a regular basis.

While I don’t yet have an answer about what I want people to say about me after I’m gone, I’m clear that I don’t like the self-oriented focus that has slipped in. While in large part this has happened because I’ve perceived others as closing themselves in and not desiring contact with others, with this new awareness, I’m starting to make some very small shifts in the direction I’d prefer to go.

Avivah

Asking myself what feels fun – then joining basket weaving course!

Homemaking, Self-Growth

Frequently when a writer or commentator wants to hold up an example of a useless thing to spend time learning, they mention basket weaving. Or underwater basket weaving.

It’s interesting what we consider valuable and what we consider worthless. Hands-on creation of a useful object is a waste of time, and tapping away at a computer screen living in a digital world is an accepted norm. But putting that aside…..

I mentioned having participated in a basket weaving activity a while ago. I didn’t really enjoy it, primarily because of what I was telling myself. When forming the sides of that basket, it seemed like I needed to be an octopus to keep hold of the different ends. I looked around and all the other women seemed to be managing better than I was. I was feeling increasingly frustrated and inadequate, comparing myself to them. Thoughts began running through my mind: “Why do I put myself in these situations? Why do I have to do new things with new people and look like a complete incompetent?” I was convinced that I wouldn’t be able to complete the basket and would walk away without anything to show for all of my effort.

After a few minutes of this, I got hold of myself and recognized the direction I had gone in. (It takes very, very little time for a mind to spin out into negativity!) I then asked myself, why am I telling myself this? It’s a beautiful day, it’s a lovely group of women and I get to do something I’ve never done before. I reassured myself that the basket would look just fine when I was done, and that my focus should be staying in the moment and enjoying the experience.

So I did.

And the basket, while not an impressive masterpiece by any stretch of the imagination, looked like a basket when it was done.

My first weaving project ever – woven using westontonia and banana leaves

When I saw the ad about the next session before Pesach, I was simultaneously interested and avoidant, not wanting to have a repeat of my initial experience of inadequacy. But I told myself, I’ve already done it once and I’m going to enjoy it. I quickly sent my rsvp.

This was a project that I enjoyed much, much more.

Trivet made using olive branch for a frame, and date stalks

While we were working on our trivets, someone mentioned that there’s a local teacher who formally teaches basket weaving using traditional methods. I got her number when things quieted down after the holiday.

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I’ve been interested in learning basket weaving for a long time.

As a frugal person, sometimes I’ll say no to things that seem unnecessary or don’t add value. Whether basket weaving has intrinsic value to anyone else or not, I’ve been becoming increasingly conscious of making decisions not from a logical/intellectual space, but by asking myself, what do I want? What feels good to me? The more I ask those questions and act in alignment with the answer, the better things seem to go.

When I called the instructor to inquire about her classes, I was delighted to learn that a new eight week series was beginning just a few days later! Despite it taking place in the busy late afternoon/evening hours, I was determined to make the child care arrangements work so that I could participate.

I’ve done two sessions so far, each three hours long, and am enjoying it so much.

The sessions takes place in a tent outdoors, lined with beautiful handmade projects the instructor sells.


All of the weaving in these sessions is done using date stalks. When I finished my first basket, the instructor suggested I could hang it up and use it to keep small items in. No, I rushed to tell her, I was happy to have the experience learning how to weave and wouldn’t be displaying it.

Well. Here it is on my bedroom wall now. 🙂

I haven’t yet trimmed the ends of this, but for now am enjoying the natural look of it.

In the second session, we made small baskets. I made two – they are a good size to keep use on the desk and I’m going to use these as well.

One of my baskets in process.

There are four of us in the workshop; two beginners and two who did the first eight sessions, and are continuing with more complex projects.

In the background, a more advanced student working on her basket.

The instructor does her own weaving projects alongside of us.

The basket the instructor began during this session.

There’s a meditative quality to basket weaving, and the more you do the more relaxing it is. Right now I’m just learning the basic process and the end result is usable but far from perfect. I’m really okay with that. I’m more interested in learning and am so, so much enjoying it. Coming out with a concrete project is a nice bonus but the creative process alone is worth it for me. I’m already thinking I’d like to continue when these eight weeks are finished!

Avivah

Has my tone been fearful in recent posts?

Self-Growth

Some time ago, a long time reader sent a private message to me and commented that she felt that my posts have recently have a tone of fear that she didn’t see in the past.

I was bothered by this comment, very bothered. I especially value the feedback of those reading here for a long time and take it seriously, and have taken a long break from blogging while I contemplated the various aspects of this comment, the possible intentions, my intentions, etc.

Blogging is a challenging thing. A blogger chooses to open up and share about his thoughts, his life, his interpretations of events….and obviously it’s not possible for everyone reading to accurately sense the emotion that is behind the writing. And even if they could, everyone isn’t going to agree with all that they read.

That’s fine. As nice as it is to get positive feedback and to know that I’m writing in a way that resonates with others, it’s unrealistic to expect that others will always like and agree with everything I say.

I’ve mentioned in the past that it’s become emotionally constraining for me to communicate in the technologically censored world we have shifted to in the last two years. So many things can no longer be said, or no longer feel safe to say, that I tend to close up and don’t write about many, many things on my mind.

I was fortunate to encounter the internet in its earlier days, when it was a much more open place than it is now, and in hindsight I can see how unique a time it was. For me, the loss of that space and the freedom to connect with others in a deeply authentic way is something I mourn. Mainstream media has always been censored to some degree, and perhaps it’s to be expected that the censorship has caught up on the internet. Whether I should be bothered by it or not, the reality is it’s a very, very different climate than what existed when I began blogging almost 16 years ago. I can say with absolute certainty that I would never have begun blogging at this time in history.

How to continue to communicate amidst this shift has been an internal struggle; it’s a hard thing for someone who perceives transparency and truth as paramount values, to stay silent about important issues.

When so little is being said in the mainstream media about a topic, I’m aware that I may be seen as creating an issue that doesn’t exist by mentioning it. I’m not a gloom and doomer; I don’t enjoy talking about negative things and that’s not where I want to focus my energies. I prefer to focus on the good things in the world, which is part of my decades long gratitude practice.

However, I also don’t want to practice toxic positivity. There’s a spiritual principle that by putting our attention on something, we can cause it to increase or be drawn to us, and naturally one doesn’t want to draw negativity to one’s self. To many that means not acknowledging when negative things are happening, instead trying to ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist.

For me, that doesn’t work. What does work is to acknowledge the situation that is triggering fear, recognizing what aspect makes me fearful, then taking steps so that I don’t feel fearful. The steps can be spiritual or physical, and for me usually are both.

If I write about those topics here, it’s usually after doing this work inside myself. For example, I didn’t write about food shortages until I felt inner calm about it. When I did bring up that topic, it was with the intention to encourage others to take a concrete and positive action and thereby create a buffer for themselves.

Am I creating fear by mentioning a topic of concern? Possibly. Who wants to hear someone say that the world isn’t rainbows and unicorns? Honestly, I shy away from bad news and prefer not to hear it, so I understand anyone else who does the same. However, it was because I felt so concerned over a year ago that I began to look more deeply into economics and other related topics. I choose to look current world events in the eyes because I prefer not to cower under my emotional covers by pretending the bogeyman isn’t there. And talking about the reality that I see doesn’t mean that I’m fearful.

If I’m sharing something that feels alarming to you, please share in the comments what it is and why. I’ll be glad to share how I found my own inner quiet if I also felt those concerns (chances are high that I did!). And if you’d rather not read that topic, that’s also fine.

Although for the most part I don’t feel fearful and actually am quite positive overall, I can see that my efforts to write in a more roundabout way than in the past on potentially sensitive topics could come across as fearful, because it’s not my usual tone. I think what may have come across wasn’t fear of the topic itself, but hesitancy about how to share about it in this climate that is coming through.

Please continue to share your sincere feedback with me. It’s not always comfortable but that’s how we all grow.

Avivah

Thanking teachers from childhood

Self-Growth

A week and a half ago, I was listening to an interview with Rebbetzin Slovie Wolff, daughter of Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis. For years I’ve been fascinated and inspired by Rebbetzin Jungreis, and I was especially interested in the interview with her daughter, herself a teacher of Torah with a focus on parenting.

In the interview, one thing mentioned was the importance of seeing the beauty and potential in each child. The interviewer commented that it made him think about teachers, and asked if this is something they should be doing since children spend so much time in school. They talked about how challenging this is to do, and Mrs. Wolff suggested that if he had a positive memory of a teacher, that he reach out to his teacher and let him know about it.

I paused the interview right there to think about my school experience. Other than one teacher, I didn’t have negative memories of any of them. They were generally all good, well-intended people.

On the other hand, I had few specific positive memories of any teacher in interactions with me. I didn’t have a personal relationship of depth with any one teacher. (I wonder how many people do!) However, two teachers that I have a warm feeling about came to mind.

Right that moment, I emailed the school office to request contact information for these two teachers. Being that both of them stopped teaching there thirty five years ago, they had to do some research (which I am so appreciative for their willingness to do!) and a few days later, I received contact information for one of them.

I sent an email to this teacher, expressing my appreciation for her. I received a beautiful email in return, letting me know that this is why she’s continued to teach, with the hope of making some small difference in the life of her students.

The second teacher I have gratitude to, wasn’t for anything he ever said to me. It was for one comment he made to my mother at parent teacher conferences, that showed he recognized my ability even though I wasn’t showing it as a student. Hearing that meant so much to me and still does, so many years later. Isn’t it amazing how something so small can be so significant to someone else? I hope that I’ll be able to get his contact information.

I had an an elementary teacher who I’ve thought about contacting a number of times over the years. I think she would get great nachas from knowing how I turned out, as would have my high school principal. He died with my good intentions still inside my head, but she is still alive. I did an online search and was surprised to find her phone number and address very quickly. She must be in her eighties by now, and I’ve been thinking about how to contact her.

I mentioned it to one son, who called when I was in the middle of researching this, and he suggested that I send a family photo from our most recent wedding along with my letter. While think she would appreciate the photo, I don’t want to delay my letter to get around to that. I hope to send the letter in the next week or so, and feel so grateful to still have this opportunity.

Expressing gratitude to those who have done something for us is so important. While I try to thank others in my day to day life, I’ve never reached out to my teachers from the past until now, and I’m so glad that I did.

Avivah

Is preparing for hard times a lack of faith?

Parenting, Self-Growth

I received a thoughtful response to my post yesterday about food shortages and my suggestion to US readers to buy some extra food.

>> The attitude you are approaching is the American prepping attitude. I am familiar with it as I spend a lot of time on online homesteading communities. It is a worldview born in the backwoods of America where this idea of each-man-for-himself independence makes sense (sort of).<<

I have been using the frugal strategies that I have shared for many years, long before there was a term calling ‘prepping’ or ‘preppers’. I don’t identify as such, nor do I identify as a homesteader, though for many years I’ve noticed many homesteaders have similar attitudes to myself in some areas.

>>It is questionable whether it belongs in a tiny urbanized country like Israel and, more specifically, in Jewish communities.<<

I question the assertion that a worldview of being responsible for one’s self rather than relying on others to take care of you is specifically American. I would say that historically this was the norm across all societies when people had the ability to do so. Food was preserved during the autumn (during times of abundance) to put away for the winter (a time of scarcity). Often people tried to put food up for two years, knowing that a crop could fail and they would be left without food if they only prepared for one.

This is the same thinking as having a savings account. When you have a good income, you put some aside, knowing that at a later time there could be extra expenses that come along, sickness, or job loss. It’s about being prudent with your resources at times of plenty, knowing that life shifts and unexpected things happen. Do people in urbanized areas not believe in financial investments or savings, do they not buy car or life insurance?

>>In the Jewish community, we are all one. It’s not every man for himself. If my fellow Jew is suffering, I am suffering. I am not interested in grabbing for myself or making sure that me and mine are OK, while my neighbors and wider society go up in flames.<<

It’s not only in the Jewish community that we are all one. All of humanity is one. What is good for one can’t be at the expense of what is good for others. This is inherent to my worldview.

There are three levels of functioning: dependence, independence, and interdependence, with interdependence being the highest level. A person can’t developmentally skip from one level to another. We all start off life dependent, and as we grow, hopefully become more responsible for ourselves. From that position of being independent, we can move into family and community relationships of interdependence.

I find the assumption that those who are being responsible for themselves are being selfish or lacking in faith to be a false and unfair construct. Yes, there are people who are selfish in this world. How that develops is the topic for another post. But generally, when we have more, when we feel internally abundant, we are more willing to share with others. We don’t teach a toddler to share by insisting he share before he feels a sense of ownership of an item. He has to be given the space to own it, to feel the fullness of having it, and from that place will naturally want to share with others.

As parents and as members of society, we give from a place of overflow. We don’t serve anyone by continuing to give when we are depleted. A mother who doesn’t take time for herself will become burnt out and resentful. A community member who has hardly any resources for himself will be preoccupied with meeting his own needs, and not only unable to help others, but the communal resources available will be directed to him.

To suggest someone do without because it’s not fair that others don’t have as much as him, isn’t helping others. We benefit as a society when as many people as possible become abundant (externally and internally), and use their personal resources wisely. To expect others to replenish us when we have the possibility of helping ourselves is choosing to be dependent. You help no one by teetering on the edge of barely taking care of your personal needs.

(Sometimes we can’t be independent; self-reliance in all areas is an impossibility. When we need it, it’s important to be willing to ask for the help we need and graciously accept it when offered. That’s where interdependence comes in.)

Back to the importance of being in a place of overflow. A few days ago, I was in the supermarket and due to a policy issue, an older couple’s check wasn’t accepted. I was at the customer service desk when this was happened, and because I had enough money in my account, was able to offer to pay for their groceries. Without the personal reserve, I could have given them a warm and sympathetic smile but the generosity in my heart wouldn’t have physical expression.

My fourteen year old son just asked me about joining a first aid course. I asked why, and he said he’s not interested in working on an ambulance, but he does want to have the ability to help others if someone gets hurt when he’s there. I didn’t tell him, no, that would be selfish for you to learn something that everyone else doesn’t know. I am delighted for him to have knowledge that can be shared with others at a time of need.

I want to be generous, and so do many others. I’ve read of so many people who are planting much bigger gardens than they need – so they can share; of stocking up on food – so they can share; people making plans to look out for more vulnerable neighbors who won’t have enough – because they care. Not because they are trying to grab all the available resources for themselves before anyone else does.

There are different ways to give, and different ways to be generous. Not just with your physical resources, but with your skills and knowledge. I have awareness of some things that are happening that many others don’t. I wrote my post from a place in my heart of giving, wanting to share what I know with the intention to help as many others as I can. For me, it would be selfish to stay silent when I can say something that could help others.

If people take steps to buffer themselves bit by bit, they will be much less anxious and afraid when encountering escalating food prices or empty shelves. Everyone who is independent is then in a position to be interdependent with others, and strengthens society.

>>If Hashem has social and economic upheaval in store for us,  I accept HIs plan and remind myself it is good. He has put us through tough times before and we have stood strong through our faith and through helping others and remembering always that He is One and we, His Children, are one.<<

I completely agree. And I also believe that we if we see a storm coming, we can go to the hardware store and buy sheets of plywood to cover our glass windows so they don’t break when the hurricane hits. We don’t stand outside unprotected saying, G-d will help me. We take whatever action we can, knowing that in the end, it is G-d who will protect us.

So this comes down to a personal question of where is the line for hishtadlus/personal effort, and faith. That line is different for every person, and the higher your level of faith is, the less preparation you need to do. A person needs to be very honest about what their spiritual level is; many people give lip service to faith when they just don’t want to be bothered to take any steps to help themselves.

Looking ahead and taking steps to mitigate a problematic issue isn’t having a lack of faith. Eizehu chacham? Haroeh es hanolad. (Who is the wise man? He who anticipates what is to come.)

I’ll go so far as to suggest that the person who chooses to take no action to shield his family from challenges, saying instead ‘It will work out,’ and leaves it to the efforts of others to make sure his needs are met, is the one who is being selfish. Community leaders work selflessly to find solutions for those struggling in their communities. I’ve occasionally behind the scenes seen the weight of the burdens these people are carrying. With so many people who have no way to create any buffer needing assistance, why voluntarily add to the communal burden?

>>When you read stories of those hard times and their luminous heroes, they are always the people who gave selflessly to others, not the ones who saved their own necks.<<

Survival and selflessness aren’t mutually exclusive. I just finished a biography of a Jewish family who believed the warnings that most others found impossible to believe in 1940s Hungary. They took action by obtaining false identity papers that enabled them to hide as Aryans, and survived when many others didn’t. When the war ended, they immediately became known as people that others turned to for assistance.

Our heroes show us much to admire and strive for. But who said everyone has to be a hero? We don’t have to be heroes, and we don’t have to feel guilty or inadequate that our goals aren’t those of heroic individuals.

>>If tough times are ahead, let’s “prep” by strengthening our emunah and our middos of chessed and ahavas yisroel. Rather than stockpiling more than ever, let’s GIVE away more than ever, showing Hashem that we know that only He can protect us. <<

There’s so much more to say on this topic; it’s something I’ve thought about quite a lot. I’m the first to admit that I have a long way to go in my spiritual evolution. But I think we can agree that strengthening one’s faith and connection to G-d is the most important action anyone can take, at any time.

Avivah

Back to quarantine…thinking about homeschooling again

Homeschooling, Parenting, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

I got a call earlier this week that one of our school children had to go into quarantine. I was hoping that my five year old could have his birthday party in kindergarten with his nine year old brother in attendance before either of them were quarantined and we almost made it, but the night before the party we got a call that ds9 had been exposed to someone with a positive test result. (For those who are new, our youngest two sons have Trisomy 21/Down syndrome and attend a special needs school; our older son began there in the spring, the younger one began in September.) Ds5 had a great party but his brother wasn’t there.

The day after the party I preemptively pulled my five year old out. I took him out not because I’m worried about him getting sick, but because I don’t want to wait for him to be put into quarantine. It’s important for children to have a regular and predictable schedule, and I didn’t want my kids to have the stresses of the staff and scheduling changes that they would have in school while this upheaval is going on, and then to have the restrictions of being in quarantine at home.

That was Monday. On Wednesday, I received a call from the kindergarten teacher that validated the decision to take him out preemptively. In his class, students were exposed to a teacher who tested positive in the afternoon session. (Since my son is the only one who doesn’t attend afternoon sessions I’m wondering who isn’t in quarantine at this point.)

Due to so many staff members at the school getting positive test results (though they all had to get the poke or have regular testing to continue working there), they are combining classes, cutting the school day to half days and there will be no Friday classes. I’m glad they’re finding a way to make it work, and I’m even more glad that those decisions don’t affect us.

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So this situation is providing me with an opportunity.

In recent months I’ve been thinking a lot about homeschooling ds9. When I made the decision to put him in school last year, I felt inadequate in what I was providing for him when he was home, and was sure that the experienced staff could do more for him than me. Though I’m very appreciative of the wonderful staff and all that they do, it’s now clear that I underestimated and undervalued all that I was doing.

What are some of the ways that I think homeschooling would benefit ds9? It’s pretty much the same as for all of our kids, though the stakes are bigger in his case. It would remove the pressures and limitations of the school environment (eg waking up early before his body is ready, the physical exhaustion from 2.5 hours daily of traveling to and from school, the lower expectations academically and behaviorally) while qualitatively offering him better learning opportunities. Being home would benefit his overall health, with more activity outdoors, better quality foods, and lots more love and emotional support.

When he’s relaxed and rested, he’s naturally a much more enjoyable child to spend time with. (Like every single person on the planet!) On the days he stays home from school his behavior and the quality of our interactions is so much improved. There’s no question in my mind that the person he will grow up to be will be dramatically impacted for the good if we make the decision to homeschool him.

That’s where the bigger stakes come in. Kids in special ed don’t get the same experiences interfacing and participating in the typical world as a child in an inclusive framework (be that homeschooling or inclusive education frameworks). I’m concerned that the older he gets, the more limiting the lack of this interaction will be for him. This isn’t a new concern for me; I’ve shared about it before and it’s something I thought deeply about before putting him into the school framework he’s in.

To be good at something, you need to have experience; the more experience you get, generally the more comfortable you feel and the more skilled you become. How can a child learn to interact effectively and appropriately in a world that he has minimal experience with, when there are different behavioral expectations than what he’s used to?

If that all makes sense, homeschooling doesn’t seem like a hard decision. What is there to think about?

My hesitations are regarding my physical ability to homeschool him. Two and a half years after being rear ended and my car being totaled in an accident, my energy remains very impacted and I still need to rest a lot during the day. So my question has been, even if it would be best for him, do I really have the physical and emotional ability to have a younger child who needs a lot of guidance at home? Even with twenty years of homeschooling behind me, this remains a real concern for me.

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Have you ever made bread every week for an extended period? It was part of your regular schedule so you just did it. But if you stopped for a while, then getting back into doing it again felt hard, right?

That’s kind of how I’m feeling about homeschooling ds9. Though I was managing okay when he was at home, there were a couple of challenges together with my energy level, that led me to seek out school as the better option. Now that he’s in school, I see that the support for those challenges isn’t what I expected and isn’t resulting in a better outcome than what I had, but getting back into homeschooling is a mental hurdle.

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I’ve decided to use this quarantine period as an opportunity for me to enjoy being in a homeschooling framework with our nine year old, without any pressure to make an official decision.

Now, if there was the possibility of homeschooling ds5 along with ds9, homeschooling would be an easy choice. They are close friends and play beautifully together, and with the two of them together, they can constructively occupy themselves so that I don’t need to be the source of entertainment all day long. If you’re wondering what the issue with that is: Two and a half years ago we put in our request to adopt him, but were denied by the bio parents. We waited a couple of years and are now putting in our request again. But for now, technically (not in our hearts) ds5 is a foster child and needs to be in school.

So far we’ve been really enjoying our time at home together. We’ve been starting our days with an outing when my energy levels are higher, and that’s been great.

If you’re wondering how could he be wearing shorts and a tshirt in the middle of January – yes, it’s really that warm!
Ds9, a doting uncle with his 15 month nephew

Later, when I need to take an extended nap midday, I let them watch educational videos without even a drop of guilt, something that I berated myself for doing last year. I’m much kinder to myself now than I was last year, and it’s amazing how much easier and more enjoyable everything feels without self-judgment!

Avivah