Category Archives: Self-Growth

The truth about what makes parenting so hard

Parenting, Self-Growth

I love sharing the principles of healthy relationships, and understanding these ideas and integrating them in your family life will dramatically cut down on conflicts and difficulties with your children. Parenting can become much easier than you have previously experienced. No question.

BUT.

To say that if you do it right, parenting will never be hard is a lie.

That is because no matter how much you know, there’s one big potential issue in every challenging interaction between you and your child.

YOU.

Right. You, the person who gives significant amounts of life energy to raise tiny self-centered beings into productive and contributing members of society. You, a person with feelings and opinions and a desire to be loved, respected and appreciated.

If you have even one child of any age, you’ve probably already learned that your child’s focus isn’t on letting you know how much they appreciate all your hard work and love.

They may even – gasp! – act in ways that indicate they feel otherwise.

And that is hard. Feeling rejected, unloved or unappreciated by these children you have poured yourself into is hard. Very hard.

But because you’re a parent, you’re supposed to act like an adult. That means finding a way to honor your needs and boundaries at the same time that your child still needs your love and acceptance.

This is hard, hard inner work.

The challenging situations I’ve faced as a parent have always forced me into this work.

The external situation: “How dare you roll your eyes at me, disrespect me, talk to me/about me like that?”

Is it okay for them to say these things, to do these things?

No, it’s not okay. Sometimes it’s extremely not okay. But you can’t make it about them. This isn’t about finding someone to pin the blame for your bad feelings onto.

You know, feelings like, “It’s not me that’s a bad parent, it’s this spoiled, entitled (you pick your personal preferred adjective) kid. I’m fine, he’s the problem.”

To appropriately respond to your child and guide him means that you have to reach deep into yourself, and take responsibility for your own sense of being valuable. And only then, you can give them the guidance and direction that they need.

Avivah

My little act of gratitude and the touching response I received

Self-Growth

A couple of weeks ago, Yirmi had an evaluation for school placement purposes.

A few days later, I had a three hour meeting with staff at his school, who were shocked to hear that we had already not only scheduled the evaluation, but completed it.

Literally, their mouths dropped open. One of them clarified, “I was here 7 or 8 weeks ago and it wasn’t even scheduled yet.”

“Right”, I told her, “I tried to contact the social worker the next week and after two weeks reached her. She scheduled me for an intake appointment right away, and then the evaluation was scheduled within 5 weeks of then.”

They all shook their heads disbelievingly, telling me it usually takes many months to complete this process, and credited the social worker for her assistance in moving this process along.

After I went home, I thought about their reaction and felt it would be appropriate to express my appreciation to the social worker for her help. Just because it’s her job doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t let her know her efforts were appreciated!

I would call her and warmly thank you. No, I would send her an email. No, I could give her a little token of appreciation, like a chocolate bar with a note.

But I didn’t do anything. Because any idea I had felt too insignificant and any idea that was bigger felt too hard. What would I send, and how would I wrap it and I wouldn’t want it to be too fancy but I didn’t want to send something embarrassingly small. And then I’d have  to make a trip to the store for a nice bar of chocolate and a thank you card and cellophane and ribbon to wrap it all up.

Finally, I told myself that it would be better to do something than completely lose the opportunity, since I was clearly on the path to doing nothing.

So I took a plastic plate, put an apple, pear, clementine and a small bag of dates on it (that’s what I had in the house). I wrote a little note: “Dear Social Worker – Thank you for your dedicated help to us, we really appreciated it. Signed, Avivah, mother of Yirmi”.

I put a plastic bag over it, tied the top in a knot and popped in to her office. She was with a client, so I just handed it to her with a smile and said,”Thanks for your help, this is a little something for you.” She gave me a big surprised smile and I left right away, not wanting to interrupt her any more than I had.

A few days later, I got the following email:

Subject line: תודה על הכרת הטוב  (Translation – Thank you for your appreciation)

הי אביבה.

רציתי להגיד לך תודה על הפירות. לא הספקתי להתרגש ביום חמישי, אבל אתמול כאשר אכלתי את התמרים והם היו כל כך רכים, קטנים ומתוקים חשבתי שהם באמת כמו הילדים המיוחדים שלנו.
אז תודה, ריגשת אותי.
Translation: “Hi, Avivah – I wanted to thank you for the fruit. I wasn’t able to respond on Thursday but yesterday when I ate the dates, and they were so soft, small and sweet, I thought that they are truly like our special children.
So thank you, you really touched me.”

gratitude heart

Her note left me with a warm feeling  and gratitude that rather than getting stuck in my head and wanting to express my appreciation perfectly, I did what I could.

As the saying goes, “Done is better than perfect.”

Avivah

PS – Several hours after posting this, I had a meeting with seven different professionals regarding Rafael’s current placement in his daycare inclusion program. Imagine my surprise to see this same social worker sitting in the room when I arrived!  It’s a small world and one never knows when the effects of your positive or negative interactions with others will come back to you.

Isn’t it a pity? The real problem with special needs – video

Parenting, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

I saw this TED talk quite some time ago, and after recently watching it again, felt it was worth sharing with you.

This brief talk sums up some of my thoughts on the realities of being labeled as ‘special’, too often resulting in being pitied, marginalized and excluded.

The environment we raise children in is an extremely powerful influencer of our children’s futures. We are individually and collectively constantly broadcasting meta messages to our children of their inherent worth and potential. This is true of all children, and especially those who are viewed as different (generally assumed to mean ‘less than’).

While seeing the positive possibilities available in special ed frameworks, I nonetheless have very strong reservations about these typically exclusionary environments and the nonverbal messages they convey to the neurotypical as well as differently-abled about the role that each plays vis a vis one another.

As a result, I have chosen to place Yirmi (6) and Rafael (2) in inclusive frameworks that are more supportive of the attitudes I’d like them to be surrounded with.

To share some questions of this speaker:

What if we looked at the disability as neutral and just saw the child and not the label?

What if we built a community where everyone belongs?

What do we gain when we separate kids and what do we lose when we separate them?

How would you want to be treated if you had a disability?

Would you want people to feel sorry for you, to stare at you, to talk down to you?

These are very important questions, ones that I started asking myself only after Yirmi was born and I was slowly internalizing a paradigm that resonated with me.

I want my children – all of them – to feel a sense of community, to feel a sense of belonging and contribution to the society in which they live. For kids with ‘special needs’, this can be hard, because there is so much effort put into segregating them from others ‘for their own good’. Because, you know, they’re ‘special‘.

Special stinks.

I don’t want my kids with T21 to be special.

I want them to be treated like other children.

Yesterday, I mentioned that Yirmi (6) has another evaluation coming up soon and my eleven year old asked me, “Why does Yirmi have so many tests and I never had any?”

Why, indeed???

Yirmi gets a label that says Trisomy 21, and is presumed to be so ‘special’ that he has to prove his worthiness before being given a chance to join a mainstream classroom. Not like other kids, who are presumed to be capable until proven otherwise.

I mean, would Yirmi or Rafael even develop and progress in any area of their lives if they weren’t being assessed every year? Amazing that non-special kids learn to sit up and walk and feed themselves without ongoing evaluations.

I don’t want my boys with T21 shunted to the side because they’re ‘special’, with a focus on how they are different rather than how they are the same. I don’t want them marginalized in the community and placed with those who are assumed to be like them just because they have the same label.

Truly, the differences are so, so small. Kids with disabilities want what we all want, they need what they all want – to be appreciated, to be included, to be valued.

This isn’t exclusively about those with disabilities – it’s really about us. It’s about how we value others, and the kind of world we want to live in.

Do we want to live in a world of kindness and acceptance, a world in which we are willing to make the effort for others to belong? Or do we want to wall ourselves off to be with those we presume to be like ourselves?

We don’t need echo chambers. We all benefit when we broaden our experiences to include those who bring something different to the table.

We need the willingness to live fully, and to love fully. And to include others so they can experience those things as well.

Avivah

Writing less when online communication feel less safe

Self-Growth

I was lying in bed, unable to sleep and I had to finally get up and write here.

I was thinking about an irony I’ve noticed : the more I have to say, the less I write about it. Why is that?   What changed from when I shared so freely on so many topics? Why now, when I have just as much to share, and much more life experience and confidence, do I so often feel reticent and even avoidant?

There are a few factors – but a big one is, it doesn’t always feel like a friendly or safe space anymore.

Several years ago, I began noticing that when I wrote on certain topics, people who had never commented or even visited my blog before would speak up in very strong terms disagreeing with me. They were atypical of my blog readers, and I didn’t understand why they bothered reading my blog or commenting. If you don’t like it, just move along – there are plenty of other places to read things you agree with. If you’re here, you’re going to get my perspective.

I would later learn that what I was experiencing was happening all over the natural health blogosphere and was known as ‘astroturfing’. This is when people are paid to surf the internet looking for certain keywords and ‘seed’ the comment section of a blog with hostile comments in an attempt to discredit the person writing.

Then about three years ago, my kids started shidduchim. I always knew that day would come and wasn’t afraid of anyone reading anything I wrote. After all, I’ve been true to myself and figured anyone who read would know who I am and what I’m about – I’ve never tried to create an image or portray myself or my family differently than we are.

I had assumed that what I wrote would be read in context, but soon experienced how hurtful it could be when strangers would look through years worth of posts and pick out details out of context. It didn’t happen that often but it was enough for me to feel very wary.

Just being a blogger was enough to end one shidduch suggestion! The other side was very interested in my son, until they did research and learned that I have a blog. Don’t you know the Agudah came out against bloggers as anti-religion and mockers of all that is good and holy? When the shadchan told me they said no because ‘you’re a blogger‘, it was like she was saying a bad word.

Even little things could be seen as a big deal. I once mentioned to a shadchan (who has no internet access and has never read my blog ) that I had just been baking bagels with my kids for an activity and she did a double take – ‘Oh, wait, you eat whole wheat? So you’re, like really into health food?’ I heard the mental gears spinning in her head as she reevaluated our past conversation and reassigned me to a different ‘box’.

I thought I would share openly again once my oldest three were out of shidduchim, but that hasn’t happened.  Because once you shut yourself down, it’s not so easy to open up again.

I’ve watched through the lens of social media as people have become more disrespectful, hostile, and even hateful towards those who don’t share their opinions. People seem more and more to be looking for echo chambers rather than to dialogue with others of different perspectives from a place of mutual respect.

It takes courage to share one’s thoughts honestly.  I was unable to sleep as I asked myself, have I written less from a place of fear/ lack of courage(bad), or from a place of honoring my own changing needs (good)?

‘To thine own self be true’ – that always resonates for me. How does that play out day to day?

As with so many things, the answers are subtle. Writing should serve the writer just as much as the readers. My personal feeling is that I need to listen to what feels right for me at that moment. What is one day motivated by one thing can be motivated by something else entirely on a different day.

No answers to share tonight, just some of my swirling thoughts. 🙂

Avivah

How I shut off the inner voice that tells me I’m not enough

Parenting, Self-Growth

Last night a short video came across my Facebook feed of an amazing single mother of 12.

She had her first at 15 – her oldest is about 25, her youngest is 4 – she’s now 42. She’s in great shape, she’s so positive and she EXUDES energy. She has a super popular FB page, she speaks all over Israel inspiring others and she even has time to help others in unfortunate situations.

Her kids rave about how wonderful she is, how loved each one is, she’s so dedicated and so loving and so much fun. ‘After school today, we’ll go have a bonfire!’ Dance party in the living room with everyone! She loves to clean.

And she’s so nice and so honest and really inspiring.

Oh, my gosh, it was so discouraging.

Because after a few minutes of watching, a little voice inside asked, “Why can’t you be a fun mother? Why can’t you be more positive? Why can’t you be more organized? LIKE HER.”

Once that voice gets started, forget it. It just keeps going: ‘All my kids wouldn’t gush about me and say how I’m this incredible being who is just beyond amazing. And how there’s so much love that they never feel shortchanged by anyone else. No, my kids say things like, I’m not paying attention to them and the kitchen is a mess and why can’t I do more than I’m already doing in one area or another?

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There were several people who commented on my last post about how inspiring it was.

Then, a blog reader who I recently had the opportunity to meet in person emailed and commented regarding that same post, “Also I loved your post on schools. I see why I was so intimidated to meet you in person. On your blog you have all the answers. (or that is how I read it). Probably because you post stuff that you have processed.”

My partial response was:

“I find it so interesting that you read my blog as coming across as having all the answers. That’s so much not the place that I write from. I try to share my process and my doubts, as well as the resolution when there is one….

The nature of online reading is people tend to put others on pedestals and assume that everything is always organized, always happy, always confident, or whatever. But life isn’t always any one way, it’s shades of grays. “

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When I was younger and would do the ‘compare and despair’ thing, I would get lost in my feelings of inadequacy and sometimes wallow in that negativity. But with maturity and a lot of conscious work in this area, I’ve become able to reel myself in a lot faster.

Yes, I have triggers – like seeing this video late at night when I was really tired. That’s when I’m most susceptible to negative thinking. But I’m grateful I was able to pretty quickly reset from, “she does this = so should I”, to ‘that’s great if she’s always happy and organized and fun. It doesn’t make me less in any way.’ Only I can make myself less.

I have to note that she never said she’s always happy and organized and fun. Yes, that’s what they showed in this ten minute clip, but it was me who went ahead and kept building assumption on top of assumption! Actually, I’m pretty positive she’s be the first to laugh and say my presumptions aren’t true at all.

Can you relate to this at all? Have you ever read or watched something, and then imagined that person was always as wonderful as they came across in the article or video or blog post? Even though you KNOW that people are human??

So what’s the answer?

For me to say, ‘That’s her and it has nothing to do with me,’ is just the first step to slowing down the negative thinking. I also have to remind myself of my own accomplishments.

Not to compare, but to remember that I’m doing fine, working with my own strengths and challenges and limitations.

Avivah

How to be a good mother-in-law – be positive or don’t say anything at all

Parenting, Self-Growth

On Friday morning, I had a long and satisfying talk with a good friend who I get to speak with far too rarely.

We’re in a similar stage of life – she also has three married children – and she shared how hard it is for her to see her married children making choices that are different from those she would make. These weren’t superficial choices, but things that were very close to her heart and her values. She stated very honestly that it makes her feel like she failed as a parent.

That night, we had all of our three of our married couples over. It was especially nice since it was my birthday weekend. True to our family tradition, each person shared something they appreciated about me.

All three in-law children mentioned that they appreciate that I don’t impose my opinions on them and give them space as a couple.  There’s a famous saying: “To be a good mother-in-law, keep your mouth shut and your purse open.”  While I’d replace the second part with ‘give without strings attached’, there’s definitely truth to this saying.

Establish healthy boundaries over the years. Learning to have healthy boundaries isn’t something that begins the day your child get married. As my children grow and mature, bit by bit I give them more independence and less active direction. It’s a gradual process. So it’s not as if I suddenly had to cut the ties and clamp my mouth shut after the wedding ceremony!

Remember how you felt when you were criticized. I’ve had the experience of being criticized for choices I’ve made as a wife/parent. While I now have no doubt it was well-intended, it was very hard for me to hear. It certainly didn’t enhance my positive feelings towards the person expressing his or her dissatisfaction with me.  However, I’m glad I had that experience because it gave me a perspective that is now helpful to me.

Recognize your child is an adult.  I’m very blessed in that we really hit the jackpot with wonderful people marrying into our family. I have tremendous respect for each of my married children and their spouses. Every single one of them are mature and responsible adults and I trust them to make good decisions.

Good choices aren’t about what you would do.  Good decisions aren’t those that are the same as what I would make, but those that are right for them.

My daughter-in-law asked me about a birthing option when she was expecting and knowing my natural-oriented approach said, “I know you think I should xyz.” I told her honestly, “No, I don’t think that. You have to do what’s right for you and no one else can know what that is. The ‘right’ choice is the one that is right for you.”

I shared this with someone who then objected, but don’t you have an objective position on one option being better than the other? Yes, I do, when it’s a theoretical discussion. When it comes to making a personal choice, it’s up to each person to do his research and then make his decision. And my role is to honor that.

(There is a limit to honoring the differences. When we discussed this at the table, I said that while I wouldn’t want to interfere with their parenting, I would definitely speak up if I saw something really concerned me. The question then would be how and when to share those concerns.)

Detach your sense of worth from your child’s choices – It’s important to not derive your sense of success as a parent from the choices your children make – ie, they do what I do, so I did a good job; they make different choices so I failed. This is where developing an independent sense of self-worth is critical – I can’t be dependent for how I feel about myself today based on what my children do or don’t do. 

(Or even if my children like me or not. That’s the subject for another post!)

Don’t volunteer your opinion. If someone wants my opinion, they can ask me. But the older I get, the less quick I am to offer my opinion even when asked.  I feel very, very strongly that what I do is right for me, based on my needs, my assessment of the situation, my goals. And therefore when asked I tend to stress that this is what I do.

When it comes to older children (not just those who are married), the less you give your opinion, the better. Believe me, they already know what your position is on just about everything by then without you saying it again!

 

Avivah

Aliza Bloch and the power of a vision

Self-Growth

Here in Israel we’ve just wrapped up the voting across the country for various local positions.

I’m not going to go into the politics of the elections – that’s not relevant to most of you. But what is of interest is to see an inspiring model of a person who actualized a vision that seemed like a fantasy, something that could never happen.

Dr. Aliza Bloch wanted to become the mayor of Beit Shemesh and change how things were being run.

When she announced her candidacy five months ago, the announcement was met with great skepticism and disinterest. No one wanted to challenge the incumbent since after the last election, it was accepted as fact that a non-charedi candidate couldn’t win. By sheer number of votes, the charedi voters of the city would determine the outcome and obviously they would vote.

Aliza Bloch wasn’t charedi. Not only that, she was a woman – and there’s never been a female mayor of this city in all of its decades. She didn’t have a chance. And that was why there was so much skepticism and apathy regarding her candidacy.

But Dr. Bloch believed differently. She spent hours almost every day for five months knocking door to door, meeting people one at a time, meeting with small groups in neighborhood after neighborhood, listening to concerns, formulating a plan and sharing her vision.

Not only that, she began the work of planning for the actions she would take once she was elected, reaching out to businesses, planning initiatives to bring income into the city – preparing to implement her vision when she was elected.

Laughable, isn’t it? To prepare for the impossible that everyone else can clearly see can’t happen?

Except that as people got to know her, they began to believe her vision. Her personal vision became a vision shared by thousands of people.

Two days ago, our city held elections. It was a race that was neck and neck, and when all the votes were counted that evening, the votes were in: the incumbent mayor won by 101 votes (out of over 40,000).

So it was over. She lost. So much for her vision.

Except then  it was announced that the votes of several groups hadn’t yet been counted – and when those were all accounted for a day and a half later, Aliza Bloch was 533 votes ahead.

At 3 am this morning it was finally official – Dr. Aliza Bloch was announced as the new mayor of Beit Shemesh.

For me, watching this campaign has been a living example of what it looks like have a mental picture of what you want to achieve, and then consistently work towards that goal, stick toward your goal and never stop believing in your vision.

Avivah

When G-d wants something to happen….it does

Self-Growth

Yesterday morning I was crossing the parking lot at the hardware store when a pickup truck suddenly began rapidly backing up. I was looking in the other direction to check if any cars were coming from the anticipated direction when the the worker right behind me who was carrying part of my order to my car yelled out in alarm. I stopped just in time to avoid being hit – the item in my left hand that was swinging forward hit the truck and the rest of me was less than a step away.

I’m very, very careful about pedestrian safety, especially after several years ago being hit by a car that had stopped to let me and my son cross at the crosswalk, then drove into us when we were halfway across. But being careful wasn’t enough. Not at that crosswalk and not at the parking lot yesterday. My efforts and caution couldn’t keep me safe. It was clearly only because Hashem didn’t want me to be hit by a car that I wasn’t.

Later that day when I heard the horrible, tragic news of the murder of Ari Fuld in Efrat, I had a similar jolt. Ari was an extremely passionate and well-known advocate for Israel, a paramedic, army reservist, karate instructor, a person filled with kindness and concern for others who was constantly finding ways to support those in need. A person almost larger than life in his accomplishments and his efforts to protect the Jewish people. The last person who ‘should’ have been killed by an attack like this. (He was stabbed in the back when shopping and unbelievably chased his attacker and shot him before collapsing, preventing him from attacking anyone else.)

It’s only because Hashem decreed this would happen – on Rosh Hashana just a week ago -that it could happen.

This year I’ve felt somewhat removed from the Rosh Hashana/Yom Kippur spirit; a time of reflection, prayer and humility. Until yesterday. Yesterday was a very sobering day.

It’s a gift to leave our homes in the morning and for all of our family members to return safely and unharmed later in the day. Yesterday, I returned to my family just as I had left. Ari Fuld didn’t.

As Yom Kippur approaches, may we all merit to be signed and sealed for the good for the coming year.

Avivah

Embracing transitions- renovations, slowing down, starting school

Homeschooling, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

Have you been wondering where I’ve disappeared to?? This has been my longest absence from blogging in twelve years!

It’s been a busy summer and while there were lots of good things, it was unusually challenging. Our DIY renovation added a huge amount of work and upheaval – every single item from every single room in our home except one was moved and the new spaces for some of those things still aren’t ready for them.

It’s been a big transition for us all.

I enjoy doing hands on activities, but while doing the actual renovation work I still needed to cook, clean, do laundry (without a sink for two weeks, without a washer for two separate weeks), buy groceries, etc – while also needing to oversee the project, constantly buy more supplies (the workers in several building supply stores all know me by now!) and teach the younger boys how to do the various renovations tasks…

I also still have these lovely children to be a mother to and that doesn’t mean constantly asking them to do yet another task or trying to meet their needs as fast as I can so I can get on to a job that is waiting to be done. My biggest effort in the midst of everything going on and all the emotions being expressed,was to still be a decent person to live with. That’s a big job when there is so much stress being experienced by so many people!

As far as how things are progressing – the bulk of the main work is finished and the new kitchen is fully functional. Yay! (When the sinks were finally in I felt like I was living in luxury!) Yes, I owe you all a picture!

There are still a number of small details before it will be completely finished. As much as I really, really want it all done, I made the decision to set further work aside until after Rosh Hashana. It was frustrating trying to get any work done with our youngest two boys around and when I tried I often had the feeling of two steps forward, one (and sometimes two!) steps back!

In addition to working with young children around (have you ever tiled a floor while living in a home and keeping your children off those tiles for 48 hours while the glue and then the grout sets?), things kept happening that diverted my energy or physically made it impossible to move forward with the intended renovation work, day after day: several of the boys were knocked out by a stomach virus, a very sick baby for three weeks, falling on a nail and not being able to move one hand for a week, badly smashing a finger in sliding door, spending thirteen hours in Jerusalem at the emergency room with a child who got plaster in his eye (and having the car overheat on the way there and then got a flat tire on the way home)….

There were so many unusual things happening one on top of another, that it became clear to me that Hashem (or maybe my unconscious) was giving me a message: slow down or I’d be forced to slow down.

Though I wanted everything DONE – what I really, really needed was to put my endless list of things to do aside and give myself a mental break by not thinking about all that still needed to be done.

Even with all of the challenges, I’m so happy to have tackled this project! By taking some time off from the work I’m able to breathe and look at what a huge accomplishment this has been instead of getting caught up in all the little details remaining.

I’m really pleased with how the new kitchen is shaping up and how much more spacious our main area is. One huge benefit that I didn’t anticipate is that I can now be working in the kitchen and still be involved in whatever the kids are doing.

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Last week Rafael (20 months) started at day care; it’s a wonderful program with full inclusion and he will have his own assistant for two hours each morning to help him participate fully in the activities. He will also be getting therapies there and the therapists will give instructions to his personal assistant, who will integrate their suggestions into her time with him as he does the group activities.

This week Yirmi started school! I’m not one for taking first day of school pictures but fortunately for me, the mother of another little boy in his class took this one for us!

Ds6 feeling shy and proud!
Ds6 feeling shy and proud

His teachers have all told me how impressed they are by him and what a pleasure he is to have in the class. And he loves it! It took a lot of persistence and advocacy to get him into this program (gan safa) which was sometimes emotionally wearing, but after the first ten minutes of being there with him, I felt so grateful that I stuck with the process. I think he’s going to gain tremendously!

I sent Yirmi to a Hebrew speaking camp for a month this summer to help prepare him for school. His English comprehension is excellent but his Hebrew is minimal. I told his teacher that he doesn’t understand Hebrew yet, but yesterday she told me he seems to understand a lot of what is being said to him and responds accordingly.  I attribute this to him paying attention to tone and body language – but maybe his camp experience helped prepare him more than I thought!

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So who does that leave homeschooling? As I enter my nineteenth year of homeschooling, we now have just three boys homeschooling (9, 11, 12).  I’ve had very little kids at home for throughout all these years and suddenly I don’t.

I expected to feel some ambivalence and sadness at this transition point, but that’s not the case at all. I have so many things I’m constantly dealing with and I’m grateful to be able to slow down and move away from the very intensive schedule that I’ve had for so long. I’m ready to embrace and enjoy this new stage and give myself a pat on the back for all my efforts with each of them until now. Though I’ve often wished I could do much, much more than I do, I’m willing to let that go and instead focus on what I have done!

My intention for the coming year is to be able to focus my time and attention on the boys at home in a way I haven’t been able to do when constantly stopping and starting to take care of younger children.

But my even bigger priority is to arve out some renewal time for myself!

Avivah

 

My significant life changing purchase – a car!

Homemaking, Homeschooling, Intentional Spending, Parenting, Self-Growth

Thank you all for your good wishes on our new granddaughter! She was named yesterday and I’m looking forward to taking the younger boys to meet her later this week.

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In other significant for us news, we have become car owners!

When we moved to Israel almost seven years ago, we decided not to buy a vehicle because buying, maintaining and fueling a car here is so much more expensive than in the US. Public transportation is very good and a car seemed like an unnecessary luxury, particularly when we came here without a job and wanted to stretch our savings as long as possible.

It was a good decision then that really made sense,  and for the ensuing six years it continued to be a good choice. We felt comfortable not having a car, there was no sense of deprivation or doing without – in fact, it was a relief to me not to have to deal with a car.

However, this last year and particularly the last few months (since both of my older daughters got married) have become increasingly challenging for me. Since my five year old doesn’t consistently walk moderate distances when he’s tired and as of last July I refused to put him in a stroller, traveling by bus with him is something that I try to minimize. Without older children who can keep an eye on the younger ones when I go out, just getting the weekly grocery shopping done has become a pressure and that’s where my ‘free’ time goes.

I was increasingly feeling maxxed out with the little time for myself needing to be almost painfully carved out, and the time strain that was being created was significant. A couple of months ago, someone asked why this was an issue for me, since after all, I’ve been homeschooling for 18 years and was used to my kids being around. I told her, “I used to have a car and I could take the kids with me if I needed to go out; I wasn’t stuck and unable to go anywhere.” However, I didn’t consider the significance of my answer to her until last week.

That was when I recalled our brief conversation and it suddenly became obvious to me that this major issue that has significantly impacted the quality of my life would be shifted if I had a car.  Previously, I kept thinking that the issue would be resolved as my son became more mobile; car ownership was so off my mental map that it simply didn’t occur to me to revisit the initial decision we made when we moved here.

Well.

That conversation was suddenly catapulted to the front of my consciousness when I saw a car listed for sale on my local neighborhood list that seemed like it would be a good fit for us. I spent a couple of hours considering if it was ridiculously self-indulgent of me to have a car before calling my husband to let him know I thought we should seriously consider purchasing a car. My husband readily agreed since he had already mentioned several times in the past that at some point he wanted to get a car but I was the naysayer. (When we ran the numbers to check the anticipated expenses, his only question was, “Why didn’t we do this a long time ago?”)

Once I allowed myself to recognize how much having a car would shift this major energy block in my life, things moved very quickly. We bought a car the very next day.

I can say without exaggeration that after using it for just a few hours this afternoon and evening (and knowing this is something I can regularly do) my life has changed. No hyperbole.

This afternoon I was able to pop my tired five year old into the car and take him with me and ds9 on an errand. This errand is something I’ve wanted to do for almost three months but logistically it was too hard to do without a car.

So we zipped over to get it taken care of – in ten minutes it was done. The boys enjoyed watching the workmen cut down the mirror and reframe it, an experience they wouldn’t have had before since I would have left them at home. I’ve always loved having the kids be part of those daily experiences – each on its own is nothing major but they add up to enriching and expansive experiences.

Since we had plenty of time before swimming lessons began, we went to go the local community center to get ds5 a bus card with his photo on it. This errand has been on my list for months. He’s almost six and I wanted to get him one since he turned five. Now he has one!

We then noticed some activities taking place in the community center, which I learned were for families who have children with special needs. Maybe I never knew about this, maybe I was told about this and mentally dismissed it as completely irrelevant for us because getting out was just too hard.

In any case, today we joined them. It was so nice to watch ds5 play (he knew another child there from his Pesach camp), to chat with another mom, and to feel so relaxed. Relaxing and going out with my five year old haven’t been synonymous for me for quite some time.

From there we went to swimming lessons, and the biggest, most significant thing happened when the lessons were over.

We were home in five minutes.

Five minutes.

Instead of 45 minutes.

Instead of coaxing him to walk a little more. Instead of tugging at his hand and picking him up and then insisting that I can’t carry him and he’s going to have to walk, yada, yada, yada while he sits down and from sheer exhaustion refuses to move. Then finally getting to the bus stop, getting on the bus, and after getting off coaxing him again to walk the distance from the bus stop to our home. All over again.

We were home and I was still smiling and ds5 was still smiling and ds9 (who has lessons at the same time and is part of this weekly round trip experience) was still smiling. I had energy to give everyone dinner.  My husband probably did a double take when he walked in and wondered if it was really Sunday since I smiled and had a conversation with him with no mention of being so tired that I was about to collapse. Instead I enthusiastically told him how amazingly enjoyable ds5 is to spend time with when I don’t have to marshal all my resources to physically get him where he needs to go.

At 8:30 in the evening, rather than being comatose on the couch, I took ds12 to his swimming lessons (for the first time this season), and enjoyed watching him for 45 minutes before driving home together. (Today I learned that my two sons in group lessons are the best swimmers in their groups. They wouldn’t have told me because they don’t know that when they’re swimming and can’t hear what’s being said, the instructor tells the other students to watch what they’re doing. I wouldn’t have known that if I hadn’t been there in person to see it.) It was really nice having this opportunity to spend time with ds12 and make a deposit in my relationship with him.

And here I am writing this now. It is almost 11:30 at night and I’m still able to think and reflect. The clarity of how deeply exhausting this aspect of my life has become after just one afternoon of not having to go through it is almost stunning to me.

Today I got things done quickly and easily. And that was nice. But what was even nicer was feeling doors swinging open. Doors of increased outings with my kids, increased time freedom and flexibility, increased community involvement and social connection, increased being present for others and myself.  And none of it feels hard. 

Letting go of hard required me to first be really honest about how constraining things had become. When things shift gradually over time, there’s not a sudden negative situation to deal with – and that makes it harder to recognize because one gets used to it bit by bit.  I started to recognize how many ‘nos’ I was saying to myself – and was willing to be open to a solution from a different angle.

It’s interesting that when ds19 called and I told him we had just bought a car a few hours before, he wasn’t surprised. Since I had never entertained the idea myself until a day prior, obviously I hadn’t discussed the possibility with our children and I asked him why he told me the purchase was predictable. He said that in the last year when I’ve periodically rented a car, it was obvious to him how much more relaxed and happy I was.

What was obvious to him took a lot of soul searching for me!

Avivah