>>One comment in particular is bothering me . I had asked if our son would be welcomed back at a later point should we feel he would be best served in a school. He (principal) said he didn’t have a problem but it was overwhelmingly likely it wouldn’t work as he didn’t think our son would be up to the level of the class. I had mentioned my intention to keep up to the school and align myself with its’ curriculum and while he offered that I could speak to the first grade Rebbe to see what he is doing, the Menahel said it’s more than just curriculum that our son would need to know. He said they stressed skills (which I plan to stress as well) and that the Rebbe was speaking to them throughout the day about yiddishkeit and there was a certain geshmak that is given over in the classroom.  I’m both concerned and confused. On the one hand, it worries me that my son might not be “up to the others” and be unable to be placed back into the school should we choose to. On the other hand, I’m confused as to what could be taught and to what degree that my son could be so behind that he would be unlikely to play “catch-up”. <<

 For the record, this statement was being expressed regarding a six year old.  I find it a bit laughable to talk about how much first graders learn that can’t be learned anywhere else. 

I think it’s important to understand that the principal needs to believe what he’s saying.  After all, school based education is his business and he should believe in the value of the services he’s offering.  What if the principal told you that your child’s emotional needs would be better met at home, that you as a loving and motivated mother can certainly match what the school is doing, and the best learning environment is one where a child is supported and guided according to his individual needs? Wouldn’t there be an issue of cognitive dissonance? 

We all need to accept that regardless of where and how we choose to educate our children, they are going to have gaps.  There’s absolutely no way to be sure a child has learned everything he will need to know in his future life.  That can be uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t make us feel that we’re failing our children.  What’s nice about homeschooling is that you have control over what you think is most important and can be sure that’s something you teach.

Practically speaking, all kids of any age really need to know is how to read (English and Hebrew), write (English and Hebrew), and do math.  If they have those skills, learning other things will be easy.  First graders are at the beginning of all of those skills.  As far as the intangibles, which is what I think he was probably referring to, the power of the home is immeasurable.  Think of what the Shabbos table alone can offer kids, and then realize how many more opportunities you’ll have all week long!  There are supplemental materials that I’ve found valuable for my kids, most notably parsha and Jewish story cassettes.  This would be very helpful in supplementing the ‘geshak’ factor, if that’s a concern.  Even if it isn’t, all my kids have loved these and learned lots from them – they put them on during their free time and could literally listen for hours. 

I think educators often overestimate their schools and underestimate the abilities of a student to meet standards that might be different than what he’s accustomed to.  And they definitely, definitely underestimate homeschoolers!  (The advantage of this is that they’ll be really, really suprised when they see how great your kids are and how well they do, and that’s fun to see!)  But honestly, I really wouldn’t worry about this.  If you believe your child will benefit from homeschooling, focus on that.  That is the present reality to be concerned with; do your best to make your homeschooling journey an enjoyable one for you both – the best way to ruin it for everyone is to keep one eye on what the schools are doing and constantly worry that you’re not doing enough.  Either you’ll have a challenge getting your son into this school when you’re ready to reenroll him or you won’t.  If you do, there are lots of other schools, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it. 

Meanwhile, just enjoy homeschooling one day at a time!  You’re going to do great and one day in the future you’ll be able to reassure other parents who are in this position with your personal experience!

Avivah 

>>Do people accuse your family of shirking their “communal responsibilities” by not supporting the schools?<<

No, this isn’t something we’ve personally been accused of when homeschooling (though we were once accused of this when we sent our kids to a different school than some in the community wanted us to), but I’ve heard the ‘al tifrosh min hatzibor’ argument put forth as if that phrase alone was enough reason to make anyone back down in shame.  If I did have this discussion, I’d be quick to point out the false assertion that the schools alone comprise the community.  There are many ways to be involved in the community other than the schools.  Many people say a lot of things like this because they’ve never thought too deeply about what they’re saying.  Would they tell that to someone who has never had children, or whose children are grown, or who is deeply involved in other aspects of klal work? 

>>How do you keep your family plugged in and connected (to the frum community) when you have stepped outside of it in certain ways? <<

Most people feel like school is the only way to be connected to the community because their lives are so dominated by school that they aren’t aware of how many other paths are available.  It won’t surprise you that I feel there are other better, or at the very least, equally valid, ways to be connected.   You can support your community with your active involvement, passive presence, and finances.  All are necessary and many overlap.  Here are some things that come to mind:

Shul (synagogue) – though I don’t go to shul (unless it’s to meet my husband after davening), my older kids do.  The boys go daily, the girls on Shabbos.  In addition to services, there are also social events hosted by shuls where attendance is important. 

Shiurim – for adults and older children. Our older kids have all attended shiurim in the community; ds went to a daily morning amud shiur for adult men in the beginning of this year (until the days got short and it was so dark in the morning that he started going to a later minyan because it didn’t feel safe to him walking alone), both girls have attended a weekly Pirkei Avos shiur given by our shul rav for the last couple of years for teen girls.  There are Shabbos groups for younger  kids and teen minyanim but I don’t support these; however, it is one way for your kids to feel involved. 

Financially – donations to organizations in your community; there are many needs in our community except for the schools. Do you pay shul dues?  Do you ever shop in stores/use services owned by others in the community?

Volunteering – I think this is the best way for kids to feel like they can help their communities.  Our kids routinely help out in different ways at our shul, and periodically help other organizations.  For example, my ds leins every Shabbos mincha for our shul, several of the other kids frequently help set up and clean up after shul shalosh seudos as well as at other events. 

Hosting guests – Shabbos meals, sleeping arrangements, etc – what would a community be like if there was no hospitality?

Aside from these obvious ways are many more subtle ways to be an asset to your community – like giving helpful advice or support to someone while shmoozing in the supermarket. A community is made up of many individuals and the little things they do; every positive thing you do contributes even if it’s unseen and seemingly unappreciated. 

What I’m about to say is something I feel very strongly about, and have found to play out in my own life.  Steven Covey writes about the circle of influence and circle of concern.  The circle of influence is what you actually can take action to improve (your behavior, your job, your family). The circle of concern are things that you care about but can’t do much about (like world politics, the devaluation of our currency, and the price of tea in China).  The problem is most of us don’t make distinctions between the two and waste our precious time and life energy invested in the wrong areas.  By focusing on your circle of influence – this begins with yourself and your family – your circle of influence will gradually become wider and expand to begin affecting your circle of concern.  But if you focus first on the circle of concern, your personal power will become diminished and you won’t even be of much help to your immediate family.  What this means is that neither you or your community will benefit if you help your community (circle of concern) before your family (circle of influence).  So even if it seems like someone is being selfish because they’re focusing all of their attention on their family, in the end they will have been of much greater service than someone making the opposite choice. 

>>once you step a little toe outside of the line, you already alienate yourself- to a certain extent- from the community. <<

There’s a difference between you actively distancing yourself from the community and others alienating you because you’re not ‘toeing the line’.  At least for your own sake, be clear who is doing what. 

>>i find it so hard to keep my kids respecting daas torah and frum people when those are the very people who say we are crazy for homeschooling- they have told my childrens’ friends that we must have problems and this filters back to my children.  it’s pretty demoralizing and it is starting to make my kids really resent our neighbors and our community. because they have nothing to balance that out, they are starting to conclude that the frummer you are, the more narrow minded you are, and it is really really becoming a problem. so, do you encounter that at all? <<

I’d seriously consider moving if faced with this dilemma.  I think your kids are religiously in danger and there’s a very real concern you’re all going to end up cynical, frustrated, and resentful when everyone around you is criticizing you for what you feel is a positive choice for your family.  If you’re already at fault just by virtue of doing something different, and people won’t consider who you are and how you live before jumping to rash judgements, it will be hard not to feel defensive about your choices unless you can cultivate an attitude of finding the humor and letting what others say roll down your back.  That’s not so easy to do.

If moving isn’t an option (and I realize that usually it isn’t), you’ll need to define for yourself and your kids what the Torah values that you believe in are and how that may differ from what others are doing. What actually is the Torah position and what is following the crowd?  For example, one Torah value is giving charity.  Here in our city, we have a community initiative to encourage people to give a high percentage of their charity dollars to the schools.  However, the way giving manifests itself for some people isn’t the only way to give charity.  Because my kids understand that the Torah value is tzedaka, they realize that everyone should choose what causes in the community they want to support, and we aren’t obligated to support this initiative even if many others do. 

We constantly discuss hashkafa (Jewish philosophy and outlook) with our kids.  We talk about the prevailing view, why people believe that, how different issues have evolved over the years (for example, women working to support kollel husbands, the yeshiva system, rebbeim as more important that parents, the working and learning balance, sending kids away to yeshiva at a young age, etc), and our position on an issue and why we came to that position.  Dh is particularly good at showing the kids sources in seforim for our choices.  So the kids don’t feel like we’re not frum because we homeschool, or have our babies born at  home, or anything else that might not by typical, and if someone said something about it, our kids would dismiss them as being uneducated or close minded. 

We talk about these things frequently, not in a lecturing way but in a shmoozy conversational way.  The kids bring up something someone said, or something that bothers them, and we discuss it.  Your kids need to know that you have a conscious and thoughtful approach to your yiddishkeit; if they see that, what others say might annoy them but won’t be a danger of being turned off to a Torah lifestyle. 

I also think it’s important for you to help your kids find someone they can respect and look up to who is supportive of your family.  It doesn’t have to be the rav of the community; even a family that your kids consider a good family is enough.  It’s hard to feel you’re the only ones making this choice and the world is against you; when you know there are others who are supportive of you, even if the numbers aren’t big, it makes a difference.   

Avivah

On Friday we had a family trip to the county fair.  The county fair is a 4H fair, meaning only kids who belong to 4H can exhibit there.  It’s free and pretty low key, but nice for a outing.  This is the first year we’ve attended without having any of the kids involved (they’re not currently members). 

4H is a youth group that is geared towards agriculture/homemaking kind of skills and activities.  For the last three years, my kids haven’t been in 4H, but for the four years before that were very heavily involved.  Being a 4H member entails monthly meetings ten months a year, but can be much more.  At the main meetings, each year 2 or 3 of our kids had leadership roles – for example, as secretary or treasurer of the group.  In addition to the regular club, my two older girls joined the sheep club and chicken club, each of which met one evening a month.  They also joined a bee keeping club and made beeswax candles and lip gloss, in addition to learning all about bees – another monthly meeting!  Ds joined a rocketry club, and was also involved in the sheep club the first year.  Occasionally there were other trips that they went on – one that stands out in my mind is the trip to a small airport where we got to see small private aircraft and all the kids got a turn to go in a two seater plane. 

They volunteered at a local farm for most of their years in 4H, going three mornings a week our last year in 4H, and at least once a week before that.  At the farm they learned to care for sheep and chickens, as well as the horse that was there.  They went to livestock and hay auctions, and helped build a chicken coop and fencing for the farm.

They got increasingly involved in the county fair every summer.  There are numerous categories that kids can enter – crafts and homemaking skills of all sorts (for example: art, photography, educational exhibits, cooking, baking, flowers, vegetables, preserved goods, sewing – with subcategories in each), in addition to livestock entries.  The kids entered many kinds of baked goods, sewed clothing, and entered lots of other things – they have loads of ribbons that they won over the years.  They bought their own chickens (which they kept at the farm) and showed their chickens at the fair; they leased sheep from the same farm and were able to show sheep.  Yesterday when we were looking at the sheep, I remembered how ds12 showed her first sheep when she was 8, and it was huge – literally almost as big as her – she was scared she wouldn’t be able to control it but she did great.  When she came into the show ring with the sheep, people started commenting on the little girl with the big sheep! 

In addition to showing sheep, they also entered a competition called Shepherd’s Lead – that was a three part competition.  In preparation they had to sew a wool outfit, train a sheep on a halter, and write up a three part description – a paragraph about themselves, a paragraph about the sheep, and a paragraph about their outfit. Then for the competition itself, each would wear the outfit she made, and lead her sheep around the ring on a halter while the description she wrote was read aloud over a microphone.  They competed in age groups, so the girls were in different groups.  It was hours of work to prepare for a showing that took only a few minutes, but a great learning experience!

They were involved at the club level at the fair, too.  The fairgrounds are decorated with gardens, each designed and planted by a different 4H group – the kids were involved in that.  They participated in making the yearly club booth and banner displays, volunteered at the ice cream booth (part of the proceeds went to the club), and led groups as fair tour guides.  In the last couple of years they participated, they stayed overnight at the fairgrounds in a travel trailer with the club leader, and were busy all day long – it’s a very different experience being involved from the inside and as a visitor. 

And after a very intense week of county fair preparation, it wouldn’t be long before it was time to get ready for the state fair!  They didn’t show animals then, just entered their projects/crafts, but that was enough!  Three years ago life got very busy when ds3 was a few months old – we made a bar mitzva, bought a house, and bought a business within a few weeks. And that coincided with the county fair; by the time the state fair was over, I was seriously maxxed out.  Having kids displaying or showing at the fair involves a significant amount of parental involvement, and I made the decision not to re-enroll the kids in 4H for that year, in addition to cutting back on almost all of our other group activities and commitments.

It was a good decision, but as we were visiting the fair, the kids got a hankering to join 4H again.  Unfortunately, the club we were involved in is no longer an option for us to join, so I told them I’ll look into other clubs.  While at the fair I met a mother whose daughter joined the same time we did, 7 years ago.  Our daughters were friendly and did many 4H activities together.  She told me that the enrollment in 4H has dropped drastically in the three years that we’ve been out and several clubs have folded for lack of attendance – it was sad to hear, but reflected in the size of the fair.  There were literally 50% of the entries that there were when our kids were involved, meaning the fair was half the size it was then. 

As far as the fair itself, we enjoyed it!  We browsed all the craft and animal exhibits, but I think everyone’s favorite thing was watching the people throwing the ball at someone in a cage of water and trying to dunk her!  A couple of the kids wanted to try it, so I gave them each a dollar and they got three tries.  Ds10 hit the target and dunked her, which led to people all around him cheering.  Dd8 didn’t hit it at all.  Since ds7 didn’t want to do it, I told him to give his money to ds10, and then gave another dollar to dd8.  The guy manning the booth was very nice – he let dd have ten tries until she hit the target and dunked the lady.  The younger kids all got free balloon animals, which they appreciated and then we headed for home.

The kids want to go to the state fair, but that’s much more commercialized and it’s not my scene.  I told them if their grandparents want to take them that will be okay with me (I’m not putting ideas into the kids’ heads – grandparents already mentioned they want to do that). 

Avivah

We’ve had a busy day today! Until now we’ve been so busy with work on the patio that we haven’t really done any trips or outings for Camp Wernerific. But today we did. We started off by going to the free movies – every summer theaters around the nation offer free showings a couple of days a week of two movies, one rated G and one rated PG.  The showings are in the mornings and filled with young children – none of the typical movie going atmosphere.  I’m not into movie watching – except for this, our kids have never gone to the theaters and I don’t plan to change that.  We don’t even watch videos at home very often – it’s hard for me to find videos that fit my criteria for our monthly video night, which is why it turns into having a family video night every two months or so instead.  Anyway, today we  saw Horton Hears a Who. We got there about ten minutes after it started, so we had to find seats in the dark, but everyone managed. It’s rated G but I didn’t really care for it; it’s like a lot of cartoony movies, overdone and kind of pointless.  I didn’t end up seeing the last 40 minutes of it, though, because ds22 months didn’t want to stay in, so I took him from ds16 and went out with him and the baby. We went into the empty theater right next door, which was very relaxing. I fed the baby while ds explored.  Then he wanted to go out, so we went into a couple of other empty theaters until everyone came out of the movie they were watching.  We’ll probably go to one other movie this summer – there’s one on the schedule that I’m particularly interested in because I think would be valuable – but we’ve never attended more than two in a summer.

Then we went to the a lovely park which is just a few minutes away from the theater. It’s perfect because there’s a very nice playground for the younger kids and also a large field where ds16 and ds10 could bat to each other. The weather was perfect for an outdoor day – sunny with a pleasant breeze, in the 80s. We had a snack-like picnic lunch there (apples, carrots, Wasa crackers, and granola bars) and after a couple of hours decided it was time to go.  

Since we were so close by, I wanted to go look at the heritage breed chickens I remembered seeing three years ago at the nearby nature center in the outdoor coop.  (I’ve been reading up on chickens in the last couple of days.)  We drove to the center (just two minutes away), and as we started walking up the path to the center, we saw a deer just off to the side. It continued eating as we watched it, and it was interesting to be able to observe it so clearly.  Then we looked for the chickens, but at first only saw two turkeys. It seems that a fox got into the coop at some point and had a nice chicken lunch, so there are now only two chickens there.  The kids learned how to identify males and females while we were there. 

After we looked at the turkeys and chickens, we noticed someone watering a garden nearby, so I went over to ask her about it. It’s a new exhibit called A Walk Through History that isn’t quite finished, with several different gardens each planted with native plants representing a different time period in this state. She gave us a tour and told us about the plants, a lot of which were medicinal.  I wasn’t familiar with a lot of them but was pleasantly surprised that I recognized some of them, as well as knowing how to use them. I have to learn more about native plants for my garden and she made a good suggestion for a website to explore.  So much to learn, so little time….. 🙂 

While I was speaking to her, some of the kids were picking berries off the path we had walked down on (they were wineberries, which they learned to identify during last summer’s Junior Rangers program), and then they found a teeny tiny frog in the pond right next to the garden. It was so small that it was about half the size of the tip of your pinky. She also pointed out a 3 Sisters garden (corn, beans, squash), but I didn’t feel like going over to observe it since they got it started late and I’m already familiar with the concept.  

Then ds4 needed the bathroom so ds16 took him into the nature center, and I figured once the two of them were there we might as well all join them.   On our way up the path, we found two dead shrews – I’ve never seen a shrew before. It’s about the size of a mouse but has a shorter tail and a longish snout. Very interesting.  The kids are in the middle of reading the Redwall series which is about mice and other small woodland creatures, and based on that immediately were able to identify the shrew.

While we were in the nature center, the kids observed all the animals there, live and stuffed.  The volunteers are very good about telling you about the animals you see without waiting to be asked.  From one we learned about terrapins and another was holding a snake and told us about it (though none of the kids took her up on her offer to stroke it).  Ds3 is the perfect age to introduce all of this to, since he understands so much but is wide eyed and excited about all of it.  Ds22 months is happy just to be able to run around.  I haven’t been to this nature center for several years, and want to plan a trip for local homeschoolers there this fall.  I organized a couple of group trips there three years ago that were fantastic.  What I especially appreciate about trips like this is how seamlessly learning is integrated into a fun family outing.  No one thinks about doing ‘school’, but they’re all learning naturally and easily.  And that’s when learning is most effective, because it’s the most fun! 

It was a really nice relaxed day, and everyone was so tired that they fell asleep in the car on the drive home.  I got my nap when I got home.  Tomorrow I hope I’ll be able to order several tons of sand and then we can go on to the next step in the patio – but I will have to spend some time in the morning calling around to places to find out who can deliver. We’ve hauled 14,000 pounds of bricks and 10,000 pounds of gravel ourselves in the last week and a half, and I’m quite happy to have a truck bring us the sand.  🙂

Avivah

Someone asked me to write about how I handled homeschooling with a newborn in the immediate postpartum period.  At this stage in our lives, homeschooling postpartum is pretty much the same as any other time. 

When the kids were younger, I’d designate time after birth as ‘vacation’.  That was more to reduce everyone’s expectations than for anything else.  Now I don’t take a break; my kids continued pretty much with their regular schedule right away.  The baby was born Thursday night, and our official homeschooling days are Mon – Thurs, between breakfast and lunch.  By Monday morning I was back to being downstairs where I could supervise them.  Before you start mistakenly crediting me with being supermom, I’ll explain how I structure our academic time.  (This is basically the gist of the talk I gave at the conference on teaching the multi-age family.)

>>In terms of how you teach- how do you do it? Do you have text books and the kids teach themselves if they’re old enough and come to you for help? Do you teach a lesson a day? Do you have a set aside time for schoolwork?  Do you make assignments for your kids to do? Reports? Essays? Tests?<<

I don’t see my role as a teacher of academics, but rather as a facilitator for the learning in our home, to guide each of our children according to their needs and abilities.  I believe that independent learning skills are very important, and for the last three years have consciously taught the kids how to learn independently, each at their own level.  I’ve thought about what I feel the basics I want them to have are, and have summed them up as reading and writing in English and Hebrew, and math.  Reading is obviously done independently, except for my dd8 and ds7, who both sometimes read Hebrew out loud to me from their readers.  Ds7 sometimes reads his English books to me, too.  That was more in the beginning of the year than now; as their skills get stronger, they naturally need me less and less.  For writing, until age ten they do copywork; I’ve explained what that is already.  The older three use different writing programs (ds likes Writing Strands, but the girls really dislike it), and sometimes ask to do independent writing instead. 

For math, I use Singapore for the elementary age kids, which uses what is called a concrete pictorial approach that is very user friendly.  It’s meant to be taught to a child, but I’ve found the kids are able to use it for the most part without my help.  Right now dd8 and ds10 are using this, and come to me once in a while for help when they don’t understand something.  For the older three, they are all now using Videotext Algebra.  It covers pre-algebra, algebra 1, and algebra 2, so it’s like a 2 – 3 year math program.  It’s a very solid program – I started off a couple of years ago with ds using Teaching Textbooks, but I initially liked but then felt it wasn’t vigorous enough and switched to this.  It’s a video based math program; the lesson is on screen, and they can rewind parts where they have questions and watch it again and again until it makes sense to them. They can also ask a sibling who is further along for help, all except for dd14, since she’s the furthest.  (Ds15 really would be the furthest along, but the detour in school last year caused him to lose time and I asked him to start at the beginning of algebra 1 again this year so that he could systematically learn algebra without gaps using this program instead of the other two he used.)  This is wonderful because it’s very empowering for them to know they can learn higher level math without their mother’s help; it builds their confidence in their own learning skills. 

Everyone does their work at the same time, though the older kids obviously take much longer because they have more work.  Ds7 doesn’t yet have much official work, just some writing and reading with me, so he finished fast.  While they are all working, I start the day by sitting with my ds3 and ds22 months and read something with them, or sometimes play something with them.  I find it much better to right away give them my time and attention than keep them waiting for it for hours. 

As soon as ds7 finishes, I read out loud to him (now we’re half way through Dr. Dolittle).  This is honestly a bit distracting to the older kids because they find it so interesting that they end up listening while I read, too, but they don’t mind.  (They do their ‘seat work’ in the dining room, but we have an open layout on our main floor, so the couch in the living room where we read is just a few steps from the dining room where they’re working.)  Usually I wait for dd8 to finish before I read with him, or tell her to take a break from her work and to finish up after our reading time.  I take advantage of when things are quiet with the youngers, and that’s the main factor that determines what point in the morning we do our reading together.  Then I read dd8’s read aloud with her.  When there’s a break in between, I sit either at the table with the kids, doing my planning or writing type work, or do what basic computer stuff, like quick emails or online bill paying.  I don’t like to do things like writing here at that time, researching, or anything that takes a solid amount of time and mental focus, because my time until lunch is for the kids, and if the kids were to ask me something in the middle of being very focused on my computer work, I might get annoyed or brush them off.  That wouldn’t be fair to them.  But if they need any help, they need to ask me before lunch; I’m not responsive to any requests for academic help after that time. 

I don’t use tests; that seems to me pointless since I can assess what they’re doing and what they know pretty easily by virtue of being there while they work every morning and talking with them about what they’re learning.  Their writing assignments sometimes include essays; I’ve never assigned a report.  A report would naturally be done if someone had valuable information to share with others; to have them prepare something for no purpose but me to mark it is to undermine what a report is about. 

Of course, there is a lot of learning that goes on outside of the above.  My ds15 and ds10 learn mishnayos together every morning.  Ds15 spends another three hours every afternoon learning at a local shul.  Dd12 and dd14 both have Torah topics that they independently have chosen to pursue and do that in the evenings after dinner.  Then there are the many, many things that are integrated into our daily lives, and these things are probably the most meaningful kind of learning that there is.

So now that you understand how I structure our academic time, you can also understand how I can continue our same routine right after birth. 🙂

Avivah