I’m back from our week long vacation at the beach!

And honestly, I’m ready to go back.

I know, I’m supposed to feel renewed and refreshed, but what I actually feel is assaulted by all the things I have to deal with. Things I don’t want to deal with. People I don’t want to interact with. Decisions that need to be made but I’m paralyzed by lack of clarity and purposeful direction.

I’m feeling frustrated and resentful and threatened in a similar way by some situations happening simultaneously. Some are bigger political concerns (like the dramatically escalating anti-semitism worldwide and widespread media distortions of truth) and some are closer to home (school related issues interacting with those who have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo and don’t seem to care at all about the children they are making decisions for).

When I take some quiet time to look at what is underneath all of those emotions of mine, there’s a feeling of being disempowered and victimized, a fear of not being heard and not being valued. Fear really is the core emotion that it always come down to for everyone if you keep unpeeling the metaphorical onion.

Now for me,  feeling victimized is a huge red flag  and is a place I need to be very conscious to move away from. It feels very real and it feels overwhelming and it feels TRUE.

All of that has to be replaced with something else for me to have inner peace and serenity. Because no matter what is happening around me, no matter who is doing what they are doing and saying what they are saying, I am not a victim. I am not powerless. I have choices.

I might not like my choices. I may wish that things looked different. But there is always some element that I have the possibility of impacting positively. 

Picture a toddler having a major tantrum on the floor and that’s how I sometimes feel inside, wishing things were the way I want them to be. It’s not fair! Waah, waah, waah!

Wouldn’t it be nice if kicking and screaming and being got me the results I wanted? So much easier than having to take responsibility for my part! Ugh, being an adult sometimes is so not fun.

When the resentment or negativity starts to creep in, I try to remind myself to focus on what my proactive part can be. The more I focus on what I can do, the more empowered I feel and the victim feelings fade.

I also feel strongly that contributing negative energy to a situation not only isn’t helpful, but perpetuates and intensifies the situation. I certainly don’t want to add more fuel to the fire when I’m trying to put my part of the fire out!

In my next post, I’ll share some of the spiritual beliefs I hold onto when feeling disillusioned, overwhelmed or really disturbed about something, whether that something is in the outer world or closer to home.

Avivah