>> How do you keep young children who have access to crayons and markers from decorating your house?<<

Keep the coloring supplies where he can’t reach them so that you need to give them to him when he wants them, and supervise him carefully when he uses them.  Immediately intercept him and matter of factly remove whatever he’s using as soon as you see him about to use the crayons or markers inappropriately.  He’ll realize very quickly without you saying much that if he wants to use them, they will have to be used in the right way. 

Isn’t it nice to have an issue that’s so easy to resolve?

Avivah

Yesterday dh’s back was feeling sore from having been in one position for too long, and since his regular chiropractor couldn’t see him until Monday, he got an appointment with a chiropractor we know in the neighborhood.  After his appointment, he was describing to me the differences between the approach of the two chiropractors.  His regular chiropractor said that when there’s pain in the muscles, it’s because there’s something underneath it which is the problem, and the muscles are protecting the joints below.  So  he deals with the underlying joints and once the deeper physical issue is resolved, the muscle pain will clear up on its own.

This is exactly how I feel about parenting.  There are often the external symptoms that something is wrong in the relationship – the child is disrespectful, won’t listen, doesn’t help, etc.  Most parents, when asking for help, want specific suggestions how to improve a particular issue.  But my approach is to look at what is at the heart of the matter, what is really causing the problem.  If we try to fix just the symptom, the problem will recur because the underlying cause of the symptom is still there. 

What it always seems to boil down to is: relationship and connectedness.  I know this seems simplistic, but my experience is that when I deal with my child’s deepest need (which is for attachment) by spending time with them and actively building our relationship, the topical problems often just melt away on their own.  The child doesn’t need to misbehave anymore because the underlying need has been met.  

(That doesn’t mean that just love alone is the answer.  Part of loving our children is having the courage to appropriately guide them.  But disciplining children before addressing the heart doesn’t work.)

Avivah 

When it’s been debated if it’s better for women to begin having children when they are younger or older, I’ve often heard that the advantage of younger mothers is more energy, but that older mothers have more wisdom.  Is this true?  Well, in some ways, yes.  An older mother has more life experience, and ideally, by the time she becomes a parent, she has a strong sense of who she is.  However, if an older mother has more perspective and maturity doesn’t mean that they will be more confident in their parenting.  After all, it’s their first time being a mother, and every new stage brings up new issues.  All new mothers are facing the same challenges. 

I got married young, so I had my first baby when I was young, too!  People are often surprised when they meet me to find out that I have eight kids – or if they know how many kids I have, are surprised to find out how old I am.  (Since I know it’s hard to read something like that without knowing the numbers, I just turned 34 several days ago. :)) Not that I look especially young for my age, just I guess they expect me to look much older.  And they always seem to end their series of exclamations with, “Eight kids!  (shake head) And you still look so happy!” – as if I should look like a miserable hag because I have a large family.

I’m a pretty confident parent, but my age doesn’t have anything to do with how confident I am or not.  The moms who are older than me who have asked me for feedback, have asked because my kids were older than theirs and I had dealt with things they were just getting to.  Whatever confidence I have in this area is a result of experience, of over fourteen years of being a parent, of thinking through issues, educating myself, and learning, learning, learning.  

 Every child comes with their own personality, and I’ve learned something from them all.  And I keep learning all the time – I think life is a process of striving to always learn more and be more, and parenting is certainly like that.  I don’t claim to have all the answers and I’m always open to finding a better way to approach issues that may arise.  Confidence about who you are (as a parent or anything else) is more a result of being clear in who you are and what your values are, of working towards your goals and seeing them actualized, than of an arbitrary number. 

Avivah

Today I slept in late and ds8 came up to wake me up so I would eat breakfast with them.  I noticed a good smell in the air and commented on it to ds, and he said, “It’s just oatmeal.”  Right away I thought something must be going on since it sure didn’t smell like oatmeal to me, and when I got downstairs, I was immediately greeted by all of the kids standing together behind a large ‘Happy birthday’ sign, singing ‘Happy birthday to you.”  It was very sweet.  Then they guided me to the table, and there was a tray with a special breakfast prepared, and very artistically displayed, too! 

Today was also the last day to renew my driver’s license, and since dh wasn’t home to watch the kids and ds14 was in school, I took them all with me.  Sounds like fun, right, spending the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Administration with a bunch of kids?  Before we left home, I suggested that they bring whatever academic work they were in the middle of  as well as something to read.  After I got there and received my number, I looked around the stuffy, crowded room, and knew I had to find somewhere better to wait.  So we went outside, looking for somewhere we could sit down together.  We were very fortunate to find a picnic table (which turned out to be the outdoor smoking area) where they were able to do their academics, and since it was slightly set back from the parking lot and sidewalk, there was a place for ds19 months to run around.  The kids enjoyed running back to the main building every 15 minutes or so to see what number they were up to.  After about 2 hours and fifteen minutes, I decided to go in and everyone trooped in with me. 

Bringing lots of children to a child-unfriendly place like the MVA is definitely a good strategy for getting lots of attention.  🙂   The kids were very patient and we were called fairly soon after we came in.  The woman who was helping me had commented favorably on the kids, as did her coworkers.  They were impressed by how well behaved they all were.  But then I was informed that since my social security number was still in my maiden name (just never got around to changing it :)), I couldn’t renew my license and would have to come back another day (they said it was something new instituted about two years ago, which is why I’ve had a license without any problems until now).

Then the woman took another look at the kids, and told her coworker that she wasn’t willing to tell me to come in after all the kids waited patiently for so long, and they conferred to find a way to do the license today.  Then they called over some more people (I was wondering what the people in the waiting area were thinking as five people simultaneously left their cubicles to come to where I was), and finally a supervisor did an override and told me they would give me the license along with a strong suggestion that I take care of the name change right away.  So it ended up that it was only because the kids were with me that I didn’t need to come back! 

When we got home the kids right away went to do some arts and crafts for, I thought, the puppet show they’ve been preparing. When dinnertime came, I was surprised to see a pile of beautiful cards next to my plate, with sweet messages on each.  Here’s what my 8yos wrote:

“Dear Mommy,

 Happy birthday.  I think you are the best mother in the world so I made a poem about it. 

‘Most mothers are mean

and really junky

but our mother is nice

and really fun and funky.’ ” His first poem.  🙂

Dh got home late and was disappointed to find that dinner was ready – he was planning to make a special birthday dinner and had come home late because he stopped at a store to buy the ingredients.   But I think that the thought is what counts! 

Despite the photo for my license being worse than any picture I’ve ever had taken in my life, it’s been a lovely day!    Who would have thought that a day spent at the MVA could be so pleasant? 

Avivah

(continued from yesterday’s post) 

>Today my oldest (4 1/2) started whining and acting not nicely. I told her she needed to go to her room and when she was ready, she could come out. She said, “no”.   I didn’t react well as I felt like she was being defiant to my face.  And, I felt like I didn’t have anything to punish her with.  I seriously did not know how to react properly. I reacted poorly and escalated the whole thing more than it needed to be – not b/c what she had initially done but b/c she continued to be defiant and wouldn’t listen. How do you choose the appropriate punishment?  How do you stay calm in situations like this one? I feel horrible for the way I acted/over re-acted and for the way the whole thing spiraled out of control. <<

Let’s start at the beginning, to when your daughter first started whining. At that point, I would have directly addressed the whining, since that’s the first thing she did that was upsetting to you – I would not send her to the room.   (I’m not a proponent of sending kids to their room since it doesn’t address the heart of the issue, which is their inner attitude.)  I would tell her as soon as she started whining that if there’s something that she wants to say, she can, but it needs to be with a pleasant voice. Then I would have her practice using a pleasant voice to say whatever she was trying to say.   If she whines in the future, do the same thing: immediately have her use her pleasant voice. If she refuses to speak nicely and escalates the situation, then tell her since she’s having a hard time speaking nicely, she can stay quiet until she can speak nicely.   And if she persisted in escalating the situation, I would tell her that since it’s hard for her to remember not to whine, she needs to put her hand over her mouth to help her remember.

While this is happening, though, it’s important that you stay warm and loving.  Keep her close to you during this entire time; don’t think that because she’s not whining that she should go play on her own.  Take some time to connect on a heart level with her, to keep the bonds between you strong. This is a big part of why I feel I can be pretty strong (people looking in on the outside who didn’t see the big picture might think it was overly strict) when I need to and my kids don’t usually perceive it as punitive – because I’ve made an effort to keep our relationships strong and they know they’re loved.

Responding right away to the first thing that she did that needed correction would have avoided the entire scenario above, and the it wouldn’t have turned into a power struggle.   I say that because lots of times parents overreact to situations because they feel helpless, so then they get more upset than they would if they felt they knew how to handle the situation. By interacting with her from a position of confidence and inner strength, you’ll feel loving and calm when you discipline her. To be continued tomorrow…. 🙂

Avivah

PS – thank you, R, for your patience in waiting for this response!  🙂