>>Can you share what you tell yourself that differentiates between you being tense or calm?<<

This is a great question! What I’ve learned is that the situation that you’re faced with really isn’t what makes the difference.  It’s the messages we tell ourselves that make the difference.

Here are things that will make me tense:

• “I can’t take it.”
• “It’s too much for me.”
• “No one is listening to me.”
• “No one appreciates me/no one cares.”
• “It’s not fair.”
• I do all this work and no one says ‘thank you’.

You get the idea, right?  Lots of negativity and globalizing.  Thinking how awful and unbearable something is, is a guarantee to get upset, resentful, and hostile. Poor, poor me.  There are ways to see the negative and to either reframe it entirely or to put into a more helpful perspective.   I like reframing but when there’s a big change from one thought to another, often there’s resistance to accepting the new positive thought, and it evokes another more hostile thought.

I find it helpful to mentally work things down.  It’s very hard to go from feeling very reactive and angry/hurt to feeling filled with love and joy – there are steps you need to take in the middle to get from the first floor to the ninetieth – you can’t just make a huge leap! That means reaching from a negative thought for one that feels a little less negative, and then another that is less negative, and so on – this takes just a minute or two, once you’re used to it.

Here’s a theoretical example of what I mean:

1. ‘My husband sees all the work I’m doing and never helps; he’s selfish and doesn’t care about me.’  (very reactive and hostile, judgmental)
2. He does occasionally take out the garbage if I ask him. (begrudging but recognizing that global statement that he ‘never’ helps is inaccurate)
3. Actually, he does other things, too. (feeling a little more positive)
4. He works hard all day to provide for our family, so I can be home with our kids/so we have what we need.  (see how husband is helping with his efforts out of the house)
5. He loves me but doesn’t offer to help since isn’t sure what will be most helpful. (feeling understanding)
6. He’s helped out plenty of times without me asking. (feeling more loved)
7. He does that because he loves me.
8. He’s a great guy and I’m lucky to have such a terrific husband.

And then it’s not hard to say to yourself, ‘ I can show my appreciation and ask for what I need directly without making him feel attacked and unappreciated. ‘

So when faced with things I don’t like, I try to get perspective and that always means looking for the positive and the good, and making the effort to feel more joyful even when it’s not my initial response.

Avivah