I wrote the following as part of my recent post on homeschooling, then decided to take it out because it was going off track regarding my main point, which was just talking about how nice it was to speak to minded homeschooling parents, and to express my appreciative feeling that homeschoolers are incredibly nice people.  Instead I put it to the side as a material for a future post, but will share it now before responding to some questions on my last post because I think it’s relevant for readers to realize this was written as part of the original post and before any questions.  (It was an oversight on my part that I removed the following without significantly editing the only paragraph remaining, which would have made my intent more clear.)

(My statements) >>A homeschooling friend in a recent email said that we can’t make it harder for people to homeschool by talking about ideals, but I disagree.  Is there really a value in promoting home education without talking about the values behind the choice?  I guess some people would say that values don’t matter much, that the only difference is the location where the schooling takes place, but I really can’t get on board with that way of thinking.  My way and your way to home educate won’t – and shouldn’t – look alike.  I don’t think there’s one right way to do things, just the way that is right for your family.

But  I don’t believe that making things easy for people is necessarily being kind to them – parents today tend to be disempowered and fearful of their abilities to meet the needs of their child/ren.  That gives rise to the constant comparisons of their children to their schooled peers, focus on if the kids are ‘up to par, and their focus on curriculum as if it’s the curriculum that will give them guaranteed results.

Sure, it’s easy to provide curriculum and lists and classes for these homeschoolers – that’s what they’re asking for because that’s what they think they need, and they’ll be very grateful for it.  But isn’t it just as valuable – more valuable, actually – to take the time to help them think about what their educational philosophy is?  Or to help them develop it?  To talk about a deeper and more meaningful way to approach learning and living than recreating school in your dining room?<<

Okay, end of those thoughts, which I had planned to flesh out in more detail before sharing here as its own post.  Read the past post with these comments added in between the second and third paragraphs if you’re inclined to see how it was originally written.  Now on to some comments from the post.

(Binah said)>> I don’t know if I would call homeschooling a “parallel academic choice”, but I not sure I see much value in promoting homeschooling or a particular way of homeschooling dogmatically. Hate to be so relativistic, but I can only do what works for me, and others should do what works for them. If that involves sending their children to school, signing up for a cyber academy charter school, or using school-in-a-box type curriculum, I don’t see the need to bemoan that state of affairs.<<

Agreed.  I believe that home education is at the core about individualizing the process to meet your needs.  But I want to address what I think is a common response to those expressing their belief that there is a better or worse way to do something, the assumption that they’re judgmental (as seen in the choice of words ‘dogmatically’ and ‘bemoan).

I’ve often noticed that those who have standards that are different than the collective norm are accused of being judgmental, regardless of how cautiously and respectfully they express themselves.  To be accurate, only if the standards are perceived as being higher is it viewed as a problem, because we don’t refer to those who push their values on us who lower the standard as judgmental.  Somehow, that’s okay.

There are a number of precepts and principles that I believe to be worthy of emulation and try to integrate them into my life, as a spouse, parent, friend, and individual.  Even though I’m  frequently not successful in integrating them to the degree I would like, I still find inspiration in having ideals and something more to strive for. If those from whom I learned about these ideas hadn’t written or discussed them, I would unquestionably have set the bar in my life much lower and experienced significantly less happiness as a result.

To refrain from sharing one’s ideas and to remove ideals from discussion is to remove any striving, to prevent people from knowing about other options that they may want to explore.  So many parents begin homeschooling knowing very little about it, basically superimposing a school structure on their home lives.  Wouldn’t it be a kindness to share the exciting possibilities and options with them, to let them know that there might be other ways that would bring more joy and delight into their lives, rather than just smile and nod, and let them think that there’s nothing better out there than what they’re doing – because we don’t want to be seen as judgmental??

We easily forget that often people are making choices without knowing that there are options to what they’ve chosen.  This is true of homeschooling, and of many other areas as well.  An approach to marriage, work, parenting, money management – all of these are often determined by our past experience.  And when our experience is unhealthy or simply limited, we don’t grow beyond that without getting a glimpse that there’s something more, something that could make our life better.

(Binah said)>>Are you concerned with potential future affects on all homeschoolers’ freedoms as cyber schooling and other one-size-fits-all approaches become more popular? I think that is a very valid concern.<<

Yes, I am.  Attendees of some cyber schools don’t realize their programs aren’t homeschooling; they are registered as public school school students learning at home.  This is a legal definition, not my personal opinion.  (This isn’t true of all cyber schools, however.)  Those who are enrolled in cyber schools tend to be comfortable with the school system and its demands, and their values and goals often conflict with many homeschoolers.  (The reasons for that are material for a long discussion.)  Further complicating matters is that many of these cyberschoolers will refer to themselves as homeschoolers, which is inaccurate and misleading, and they don’t even realize that they’re misrepresenting themselves. Home educators have worked hard to establish the legal rights we now have, which could easily be jeopardized by cyberschoolers.  Much has been written about this concern in home education magazines (for those who are interested in learning more, the columns of Larry and Susan Kaseman in Home Education Magazine are worth reading – I believe you can find past columns online).

(Malkie said)>>As for this new trend of people taking the “homeschool” label when their kids just need a year off from school. Obviously I mind people using the term “homeschool” to mean “neglect” (or recently in the news here, abuse). But something else that really troubles me is that those kids then go back into the school world with the label “homeschooler” on them, and are NOTHING like homeschoolers. Half the time they haven’t even detoxed! Especially here in Israel, where there aren’t that many of us, and the first one you meet, or believe you meet, makes a lasting impression. They make things harder for those of us who do put in the effort for our kids, and I resent it.<<

This is unfortunately something I’m all too familiar with, and this was reflected in my comments in the last post.  People tend to think if you’re in an area with a number of other homeschoolers, that’s a clear advantage.  But there are disadvantages, too.  When homeschooling becomes more common, some people use this as an excuse for not educating their children.  In my community, the religious schools (which previously would have thought long and hard before telling a student to leave) now tell problem students and their parents to ‘homeschool’.   But many of these kids and parents have no inclination to homeschool, don’t want to homeschool, and have no plans to change the dynamic they’ve enacted until this point.  This leads to a problem of truancy.  And that leads to a problem that these kids, who call themselves ‘homeschoolers’ but are actually nothing of the sort, negatively impact the positive image that homeschoolers have worked hard to earn.

Fortunately one local program that previously catered to ‘homeschooled’ kids has now decided to officially call itself a school, a move I’m personally very happy with.  Now the kids who go there won’t be considered homeschoolers by the community, which the majority of them never were to start with (the parents and the kids would agree with that).

A person doesn’t become a homeschooler soley by being out of school for a year (this was in part what was referred by the comment in my last post that there are differences between those who are homeschooling and homeschoolers).  I don’t appreciate hearing people claim that homeschooling doesn’t work because they tried it for a short period and were miserable, particularly when it’s clear that important steps weren’t taken or there were outside contributing factors that badly influenced the experience which were independent of/not caused by homeschooling.

That’s not because I demand that everyone love homeschooling – I’ve said again and again that it’s not for everyone (though I do believe that when we individualize our approach for each child, then it can work for each child).  But when someone goes back into the system as if they’re a representative of homeschooling, but they aren’t, then again, homeschoolers as a group/homeschooling as a concept end up unfairly tarnished.

(Binah said)>>Anytime something becomes popularized and mainstream, the newer proponents of that thing, whether that thing is homeschooling or punk rock, may not share the same values and experiences as the older ones. I am not sure this is a process that can be avoided. Is there any value in getting concerned about this normal process? I don’t know. It reminds me a little of my angst as a teenager over some obscure band that became popular, leading me to claim that they had “sold out”.<<

That’s a good point.  But yes, I believe there’s a purpose to holding on to a clear view of what your principles are, regardless of what those around you do or don’t do.  And I think the dumbing down of our society both morally and intellectually has in part been aided by those who don’t want to judge and don’t want to set any standards because it will make people uncomfortable.

Avivah

A few nights ago I told you about the self-defense class for women that I attended with dd13 and dd15.  The martial arts studio that offered the class is owned by a homeschooling family who have been home educating for a long, long time – they decided to do it when their 22 year old son was an infant.  Afterward the three of us hung around and chatted with the husband and wife, and later were joined by their college age daughter and friend.

Recently I’ve been feeling somewhat troubled by the changes I see in the homeschooling world that is paralleled in the Jewish world.  Home education has gone from a choice made mostly by parents who have done a tremendous amount of thinking and considering, who are looking at the individual needs of their children with the focus on how to support individual strengths, who were willing to go against the current because of their strong belief in those principles – to growing numbers of those who look at it as a parallel academic choice, as just another way to do fulfill the scope and sequence.   (Edited to add: that’s to say that there’s been an increase in families who are viewing home education in the latter light; however, the majority are definitely still in the former category.) To me, that’s a real loss of potential joy in learning and in family life that has always been inherent in homeschooling.

So because this has been on my mind lately, it was especially enjoyable spending so much time speaking to long-term homeschoolers who know exactly what trends I’m referring to, and find it equally of concern.   So refreshing to speak to people who intuitively ‘get it’.  We all started off talking together, and then we started having more than one conversation so the girls spoke to the wife and later on her 18 year old daughter while I spoke to the father.  Finally after an hour we said goodbye – we could have kept talking lots longer.

When we got back in the car, the girls both strongly commented at how nice homeschoolers are.  They really enjoyed the conversation with the mother and the college daughter, and commented on how unusual it is for them to be treated with that kind of respect or enjoyment by people older than them, but how common it is with people who have been homeschooling a long time.   One went on to say, “There’s a difference between homeschoolers and people who homeschool.  When people are homeschooling for a short time, they tend to be more similar to people who send their kids to school.”  That was quite an interesting observation, and fairly accurate, too.  (Edited to add that I’ll clarify what was meant in a different post since after reading this I realized it could seem to be a criticism of those homeschooling a short amount of time.)

In our discussion of homeschoolers, we were noting some subtle qualities found in those who have been homeschooling a long time that are really nice to experience.   In general, homeschoolers tend to be accepting, interact with people of all ages comfortably, and are respectful of the differences. This is noticeable in social groupings with homeschoolers, where the differences in how the kids interact is so visibly different from the typical playground interactions that it’s quickly notable.

Something else that’s unique is how homeschooled kids enjoy one another regardless of age – I recently took four of my kids to a homeschoolers pick up sports session, where ds4 was able to play softball with ds7 and dd9 (they were on different teams, though).  It’s so nice to see how there were kids ages 4 – 10 on these teams all having fun together (we also see this at our local homeschool gatherings –  a mother new to homeschooling recently commented that she couldn’t believe that so many kids could be playing together without adult supervision, and no fighting, no yelling, no bullying!).

There are many positive qualities I’ve noticed in homeschoolers: their willingness to think about difficult issues and really act on their concerns rather than follow the crowd, the commitment to their childrens’ well-being, their intelligent and thoughtful approach to life in general.  But in short, they’re really nice people to spend time with, and it seems the longer they homeschool, the nicer they get!

Avivah

Tonight I took my dd13 and dd15 to a women’s self-defense class.  I had never attended anything like this but was recently talking to someone very active in planning/publicizing these kind of events who told me she’d give me a heads up when one for women only came up in the summer.

But before she did, I learned about the class I attended tonight.  It was $25 a person but the fee was waived for homeschoolers who learned about it on a particular list serve.  I found this class to be very valuable – personal safety is the kind of thing a parent needs to talk to their children about, particularly older daughters.  But it’s sometimes hard to strike the balance between providing helpful information and scaring them into believing that behind every car lurks someone waiting to attack.

The class was interesting and well-done.  I unfortunately got there late (took three different wrong turns) so I missed the first 20 minutes, but the first hour was talking about developing situational awareness and general strategies. Then we paired up (my girls were together) and practiced some simple but very effective moves to break away if grabbed, enabling one to escape. After practicing with partners, we had a chance to practice particular moves on ‘Bob’ the human dummy – hard slaps, elbow jabs – the kind of things you don’t want to do to your partner!  And there was a knee move practiced on a heavyweight punching bag.

I asked the girls afterwards how they liked it. They both thought it was interesting and useful; the only thing one dd found frightening was when a myth was debunked about people hiding in wait under cars in a parking garage (they don’t). That idea made her nervous.  Overall I felt the entire evening was empowering, giving women simple tools to protect themselves if necessary – there’s something reassuring about knowing what to do, even though by virtue of practicing situational awareness you’re significantly less at risk.

Communities across the country sponsor these kind of events regularly, and I’d strongly encourage all women to take the time to attend one.

Avivah

I’ve been pretty busy this past week and to top it off, got a bad cold that left me spending most of two days in bed.  Because my ears were affected, my balance was thrown off and I literally felt like my head was spinning – not conducive to doing much but sitting still!  It makes one appreciate the importance of healthy ears.  However, I had a deadline for an article I needed to write, and write it I did.  When I pressed ‘send’ to send it to the editor, I hoped to myself that I wasn’t embarrassing myself since I my head was swimming – that’s not just a saying – while I was sitting still, it was like inside my head everything was going around and around. And sure enough, the next day I reread it and I was disturbed to find several grammatical errors, so I fixed them and sent them back to the editor.  But she said me a message saying the article was great, which was nice; she had already edited it and approved it, and I didn’t feel the need to explain the reason for not having caught the errors myself.   🙂

Anyway, that’s why I haven’t been posting as much recently.  Some updates: on Friday dd15 received her notice that she was accepted to the program she’s considering for next year, which was exciting.  (I couldn’t imagine them not accepting her but you never know until it’s official.)   Now we’re looking into yeshivos for ds16 and have tentative plans to go with him in a week and a half to Conneticut to check out one that looks particularly suitable for him.   I warned him that if dh and I can’t do it, he’s taking a train and I’ve enlisted the support of a young man we know who has been at this institution for four years to pick him up from the train and introduce him around.  I’m honestly not feeling driven to go there with him – it would be nice, but it’s a very long trip at a very busy time of year for ‘nice’, and this is post high school, after all.  Ds has a very good feeling about it and unless we learn something new that changes things, he’s already feeling that’s where he’d like to be for next year.

Last night I went to sleep feeling quite anxious about our still unhatched ducklings. They’re supposed to hatch in 28 days, and we were at day 30 with only one showing any signs of pipping.  And I was afraid that one wasn’t going to make it since he pipped on Thursday and by late Saturday night wasn’t noticeably closer to getting out.  So I searched the internet to try to find out if this was anywhere in the realm of normal (couldn’t find anyone that had a duckling that took that long) and if it was still possible for him and the rest to hatch despite the delays.  I think  that we didn’t have enough humidity in the incubator and the shells weren’t soft enough for them to get out of.  I was almost dreading waking up and finding it dead, since the kids were so excited and I knew they wouldn’t take it well to find the duckling they’d been watching struggle to get out for over two days died.  I sprinkled the eggs with warm water (including the one that was already partially hatched) and sprinkled more water in the incubator, hoping it would become humid enough for their needs.

Well, by the time dd13 was up just four hours later (I got to sleep very late and she gets up very early), not only had the one we’d been watching hatched, but so had another!  And within another half an hour of that, a third one hatched.  (Named: Peeps, Darth Vader, and… I can’t remember and the kids are sleeping so I can’t ask for a reminder, maybe Quackers.)  You don’t know how relieved I was for the sake of the ducklings and the kids!  So far one more pipped but we think it died.  The kids think that tonight more might hatch, and I hope they’re right.  We incubated 15 duck eggs and 12 were viable according to our candling, and it’s not a great feeling to have such a poor hatch rate.

This week marks one year since I was overdue by three weeks before finally having our delightfully yummy baby, and as I was noting the long delays with this hatching, I was thinking about it all comes down to the same thing – understanding the natural process and trusting it. The problem is that I don’t understand the natural process for hatching eggs well enough to trust it or myself.

Though I said we’d be limiting our contact with the ducklings for the first three days, that was hopeless.  My kids are fascinated with these adorable and fun little birds and can’t get enough of them, and all their friends who visited today also enjoyed them.  Tonight after all the littles and middles were asleep, dd15 and ds16 put the ducklings in a shallow pan of water and were having fun watching them.  It’s the kind of thing you can just sit and watch for a long time.  Then they blowdried them; I wish we could find the camera – watching the littlest one stand on dd’s palm while she blowdried him was too cute!

I’m trying to identify what breeds we have – we bought the eggs from someone who has a number of different kind of ducks and they’re a mixture.  So far I’ve figured out one of the three, I think – it’s a Rouen.  What I’d like most if we keep them for egg laying are Khaki Campbells or Indian Runners.  One might be a Campbell, but I can’t tell.  And I can’t tell which are male or female, anyway!

We’re going to try again with chicken eggs.  My wonderful dh was trying to help me put away groceries after my last shopping trip, and had no way of knowing that I had put the fertile chicken eggs we planned to hatch in a particular box.  So when he put them away, it was together with all of the other eggs.  The kids picked one box that they thought might have been from the farm where we get fertile eggs, but there was no outwardly distinguishing markings and though we put them in the incubator, I wasn’t confident at all that they were the right eggs, and there’s no visible action going on with them.  But who knows – maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow to a dozen little chicks in addition to some more ducklings!

Avivah