Monthly Archives: September 2011

Changes, changes, changes….

aliyah, homeschooling

For months I’ve been deliberating (agonizing?) over the educational decisions for our kids, and what has made it so hard was I was trying to assess factors from a distance that I had no familiarity with.  My main concerns about continuing to homeschool were:

a) Would I would have the emotional availability to give my kids what they need to make the transition successfully at this time, at the same time that there is a huge amount for me to do (lots of repeated visits to government offices, setting up a house from scratch, navigate a new city, etc) – this doesn’t include any integration into the society but even continuing our regular homeschooling and being really there for them.

b) Could I as an American effectively integrate my children into Israeli society and culture when I’m not fully comfortable in that society myself, at the same time holding myself apart to a large degree (and though this obviously won’t be the case for most Israeli homeschoolers, just like I’ve never felt it was an issue for us when homeschooling for the last eleven years in the US – for us living where we live, coming with the older children that we have, homeschooling would create a distance between us and many in the community).

There are times, like after a baby, that’s I’ve been one hundred percent fine with a very laid back approach to homeschooling, knowing that things would even out and we would get back on our usual schedule.  But for the past six months, I’ve been really busy with the aliyah process.  I’ve made a huge effort for this not to take away from my time with the kids, but our homeschooling has run on automatic.  Automatic is okay for a short period of time, but it’s not very fulfilling for the kids, because they don’t feel I’m very involved in their learning.

As we start this new stage of life, I don’t feel I have the luxury of taking a few months to put homeschooling on the back burner and ease into life here.  If my kids were younger, it would be a totally different story.  The focus could be fully on the new experience of living in a new country, shopping in new places, learning new money and measurement systems, getting used to speaking and reading a new language.  But that’s not enough for older kids.  When my middles and older kids feel unproductive, they don’t have a positive feeling about homeschooling (even though I can honestly say even when we’re on automatic their learning is still decent).  Right now, I need everyone’s collective positive energy, not them feeling like Mommy’s too busy to make sure they get the education/attention that they want/need.

On the integration front, the two biggest concerns that have weighed on my mind have been how I could help the kids learn Hebrew fluently, and how they could make friends.  There aren’t a lot of kids in my neighborhood – dd15 told me last night that of all the girls in her high school class, only three live in Karmiel (the others come from outside of the city).  I told her at least now she knows it’s not because we’re homeschooling that she isn’t meeting anyone; there just isn’t anyone to meet!  Of course social venues can be developed and nurtured, which I’ve done plenty of over the years, but that takes time and a lot of effort – and I don’t feel like time is on my side in helping the kids get started on the right foot here, and I don’t have the extra energy to put forth that effort right now.

On Friday I was thinking about several recent interactions with some of my kids that I wasn’t happy with; they were very minor but I was pondering about where the negativity was coming from.  I was getting the feeling that they weren’t enjoying being around me – and when I reflected on that, I realized that as much as I know how hard I’m trying to be patient and loving – they aren’t adults.  They aren’t thinking what a good job their mother is doing in handling the pressures and stresses.  Adults would be likely to at least partially understand the enormity of what I’m doing and might even be impressed with how positive and calm we’re being about it all.

But my kids aren’t outsiders who can be impressed from a distance.  They live with me close up, and are feeling their mother is more edgy than usual – and they’re right.  It’s not that I’m much different than usual, but my ratio of interactions  with them has shifted; I’m moving faster and being more directive of them without the usual input of mommy time to balance that out.

Usually my perspective on things like this is to look at my part, how I can improve, be more loving, patient, , etc. But on Friday, I had a moment of clarity in which I honestly said to myself, I simply can’t do more than I’m doing.  I think I’m doing really well. Really.  I’m not screeching and screaming, I’m not getting upset and angry.  But I feel the pressure of all that I’m trying to do and knowing all that is waiting to be done, and feeling like I’m not going to be able to to it the way it needs to be done.  It’s the mental pressure that I constantly feel pounding at me, more than the physical stuff that most people complain about during the aliyah process – and believe me, we’ve had plenty of potential irritants and stressors!

Right now, I have to ask myself, how can I be the mother my kids deserve?  Not how can I homeschool, help them learn Hebrew, be fully present for everyone at their own level emotionally, academically, and socially, my usual questions – but just how can I be the mother they need right now?  Because what they need me to be more than anything is just their mother.  And that’s something I can do, and I can do well.  But I can’t do all those other things well at this time, and trying to do them will compromise my primary goal.

So….

Our homeschooling plans are changing – again.  I enrolled dd10 in the local school yesterday.  Ds5 will be starting gan chova (kindergarten) tomorrow moring.  Ds12 has an interview with the principal of the school tomorrow morning, and I assume he’ll begin the day after that, on Weds.  Ds9, ds4 (today was his birthday!), and ds2 will continue to be at home (at least that’s today’s decision, lol!).

As far as how I made the decisions I did regarding this, dh and I thought a lot about each child and his/her personality and learning style, the teacher they would have, English speaking classmates, and what would help them best adjust to living in Israel.  For some kids this was going to school, for others it was learning at home.  As far as how I’m feeling about this… I have very, very mixed emotions.  To be detailed another time. 🙂

Avivah

Got lots of food shopping done and some nice people

aliyah

There are so many times throughout the day that I want to share things with you all here – my gratitude for being here, a description of Karmiel and interaction with people here, what our apartment is like and where it’s located, how the kids are making friends, the price of food and local shopping, getting furniture, and so much more, but unfortunately I have time limitations!  Eventually I’ll hopefully get to it all.  🙂

But I’ll share something about my day today – not something unique or unusual, just part of a regular day in Israel.

In the morning I took ds3 with me to the high school to pay for the girls high school tuition (it was nice because he got to see them since they happened to be on a break, and dd15 walked him through the school), then headed home before going out to get fruits and veggies.  Then headed home again for a short time before going out to another store for more groceries, which took a long time due to some shopping confusion and a receipt that needed to be straightened out (got store credit in the end- remember, pay attention to your receipts to be sure you’re being charged correctly!), as well as meeting someone there (who invited us for Shabbos lunch) and shmoozing for a long time.

When I finally headed out to the bus stop to the next store, it was almost 8 pm and I wasn’t sure how frequently the buses were running. So I asked the man on the bench next to me if he knew when the next bus was expected.  He told me a few buses passed there and it should be just a few minutes, then asked me if I was new in Karmiel.  I told him we moved here exactly two weeks ago from the US, and he asked me where I was from.  Rather than answer, I asked him why he was asking, if he knew anyone there.  He said he had lived in NY for six years, and when I commented that his English must be pretty good, he said his vocabulary is mostly real estate related (we were speaking in Hebrew).

I asked him why he came back, and he explained to me that he went there to join his older brother, who started the business which was very successful; then the brother became religious, got married and moved back to Israel so he stayed on by himself.  I was curious what made him come back if it was a thriving business, so he told me it was a long and sad story, but basically he got involved with drugs and lost everything.

I asked him how he got clean, and he told me he went to a rehab.  He asked me if I ever heard of NA (Narcotics Anonymous), that it was supposed to be good but never tried it.  I told him it’s an incredible program that changes peoples’ lives; life can be hard and a person who physically detoxes but doesn’t learn to think about life differently will be very likely to go back to using.  I explained the focus is on a Higher Power, not from a religious perspective but a spiritual perspective; that a person needs to turn to help from that Power rather than depending on himself.

Then he asked if we were olim (new immigrants) and if the government bought us an apartment!  I told him the government doesn’t buy olim new apartments, though last week I met an Arab family from Lebanon when I was looking at the bunk bed they were selling (I was surprised when they opened the door since I thought I was going to the home of a Jewish family, but they welcomed me in and dh and I sat in their living room watching the news in Arabic while we waited) who told me they were selling the apartment they were living in – and they got it totally free from the Israeli government.  The father’s Hebrew wasn’t very fluent and though I tried to clarify why he got a free apartment (and car), it was something about the Lebanese terrorist organization Hizbollah blowing up his home and taking his truck and car because he worked in Israel; this terrorist group keeps lists of people who work in Israel and then their lives are in danger.  I wasn’t clear on the dateline, since he told me something about 1982, something about 2000, and that he had to keep it for three years without selling it, and it’s now been three years, so that was kind of confusing, but as I said, there was a bit of a language barrier since I don’t speak Arabic (just a very few words that I learned years ago when I was a doula for some Arab women in the Israeli hospital where I trained, but ‘girl’, ‘boy’, and ‘push’ don’t do much in regular conversation :)).  He told me he’s going to use the money to buy a bigger house.  If he goes to a local Arab village to live, he can buy himself a very, very nice home with the proceeds of a local apartment!

Then the bus came so this man and I ended our conversation, and I went to another store to get more vegetables!  I knew our family ate a huge quantity of food, but until I moved here, I really didn’t realize how much.  When you have a car, you don’t think about the quantities as much since you just plop it in the car, but when you’re taking it home on the bus, there’s a much higher level of awareness!  For the first week and a half, we were literally going to the store once or twice a day, and the fridge and cupboard was usually empty.  I’m really not used to that at all.  I have been doing a LOT of shlepping and a few times detailed all that was involved to my family so they could appreciate my heroic efforts to keep them all fed!

Bit by bit I’ll get stocked up and not feel like we’re living on the edge of starvation 🙂 (just joking, in case that’s not obvious!); this week is already much better than last week.  I had already gotten so much shopping done today I thought I’d just get a small amount of a few things at this other store to top everything off, but a small amount for us is six large heavy grocery bags and having taken this amount of groceries home on the bus several times, I knew what was involved and wasn’t thrilled about doing it all again!

While I was waiting for the bus, a woman stopped at the bus stop and offered me a ride.  She said she had just finished shopping at the same store I had been at, her car’s empty and it’s a shame not to share it with someone if we’re going in the same direction!  I often tell the kids (and myself) that my needs are always met, and this is one more example of that – it wasn’t even a need, really, more like a want that was filled.

We had a nice talk during our ride; she’s been living here twenty years and shared with me some of the ways Karmiel has changed during that time.  Since her oldest is the same age as mine, we ended up discussing maternal concerns of a son going into the army, particularly because he wants to be in a combat unit (which my son has adamantly told me he really doesn’t want to do – not the army, but the combat unit).  She said my ds might not have a choice about what part of the army he serves in, but he still has some time until we have to deal with that, so we’ll see what ends up happening at that point.   She insisted on dropping me off in front of my apartment building, though I told her it was fine to drop me at the corner of a main street close by and I could walk from there.

I appreciate all the opportunities I have in Karmiel to interact with people as people, despite living in a country where religious differences often loom very large.  Though it was a physically draining day, it was filled with interesting interactions from start to finish (I left out the group of Arab teenagers that I chastised for pushing an old man aside to get onto a bus)!

Oh, and one more thing – later in the evening there was a knock at the door, and I opened it to find two children of a neighbor there with three grocery bags at their feet.  They said someone had passed on groceries to their family, but they had so much that their mother thought that we could use it – wasn’t that thoughtful?  She was right, we will definitely be able to put them to use!  I really appreciate how it’s easier to help people here and to receive help from others.  In the US, there’s more of an emphasis on being independent; here in Israel, there’s not a fear that if you help someone in whatever way that you’re giving them the impression that they are needy, or that if you accept help you’re incapable of providing for yourself.

Avivah

First day of high school

aliyah, homeschooling

Today our family began a new stage in life – with the entrance of dd15 and dd16 to the local girls’ high school, our three oldest children are out of the house and this will be a big shift for us to get used to.

Registering the girls has been pretty quick – I called the principal on Sunday, told her we had two girls interested in going to the high school, and she told me no one does the registration now.  I explained to her that we had moved from the US just a week and a half before, and that I had tried to reach her several times in June to take care of this as much as possible in advance but never was called back (she told me she doesn’t pick up the messages on her voicemail).

Anyway, she told me to send the girls to the orientation being held the next afternoon for all the girls in the high school.  I told her that the girls really weren’t comfortable with that before knowing if they were accepted or not, but she said they should come and she might have a few minutes to speak to them while they were there.  So off they went, and came back four hours later.

What in the world can take so long?  There was a speech by the rabbi of the city, followed by a low grade film for three hours.  The girls said the quality was so poor that it was painful to watch, but the topper was that as everyone exited, they were told they had to pay 40 shekels for the privilege of watching it!  At least our girls didn’t have to pay since they weren’t yet accepted.  🙂  Then they bought their uniforms, which weren’t as bad as they expected; I think they look rather nice, although it’s not the personalized look that each of them usually have.

I waited for the principal’s call the next day, since we had agreed she would call me to set up an official interview for the girls, but late in the afternoon, I called her since it was getting late.  She told me she was waiting for me to call!  So we arranged for us all to come in the next morning, just a day before school began, for the girls to be tested.

The principal told me several times that the girls, as English speakers and as homeschoolers (who clearly couldn’t have learned anything in all of their years at home), would be put a grade lower than where they belonged.  I told her during our initial phone call that I didn’t agree, and the during our face to face meeting reiterated this at more length with her.  I basically told her that I wouldn’t agree to placing them below their age level, and she told me it’s not my choice to make – the committee has to meet to discuss what to do with them.  I realized that while this is true, it’s also true that there’s an image to uphold of them running the show and I wasn’t interested in turning it into a power struggle, so I left it with her that she’d call to let me know about their placement (remember that this is a day before school starts!).

After I spoke with the principal, I spoke at length with the yoetzet/high school advisor, who was lovely and we enjoyed our talk very much.  She told me if there’s ever anything she can help us with, to let her know, and I felt she really meant it.  Then I went on to take care of the official registration, and after filling out all the forms, told the secretary I wasn’t going to pay yet.  I explained that it would be a waste of her time and mine if I was notified they were placed not according to what I felt their best interests were, and then I had to come back and get a refund, and that I’d pay once I got confirmation on their proper placement.

I finally left the school without the girls – they found most of the tests very easy, but the math is taught here very differently, and even though they’re both good math students, didn’t understand many of the questions.  I was told that their placement would hinge in large part on their math scores, which wasn’t very reassuring, but I told them not to worry about it.

Apparently the committee met and despite the poor showing in math – which I had told the administration I was concerned about before they even finished their testing – they were approved to go into their proper grades.  I found this out at 8 pm that night, and they were supposed to be in school at 8:15 the next morning!  I was told today by a new friend in the community that her husband was called to find out what is this homeschooling business, and is it legitimate – it’s much less common here than in the US.  There’s an advantage and disadvantage to that; the advantage is that all that people know about it is what they know about you, and if they think your family is okay, then they’ll tend to think of homeschooling in a better light.

Dd16 and dd15 right before leaving for their first day of high school

I’ve been asked a number of times about why we’re sending the girls to high school at this point.  I’ll start with dd15, who has been planning this from the time we decided to move.  She’s been homeschooled since she was four, and felt very ready for the challenge of integrating into the school system.  She wants to make friends locally and learn the language very well, and felt this would be the best way to do that.

After the orientation, I asked dd15 if she was really ready for this, because I thought the way it was run was a good indication of what she can expect from the coming year.  She told me that she knows some of it will be annoying, but she’s clear about why she wants to be there, and feels this is the price she’s willing to pay.

As far as dd16, her last year of school totally turned her off the concept of school.  So when I suggested to her several months ago that attending school here might be the best option – basically as a way to socially integrate into the community while being immersed in a Hebrew speaking environment – she adamantly refused. We looked and looked into different options, but nothing seemed right – her age and lack of Hebrew fluency were issues for all the possibilities we were considering.  The best option was to send her to ulpan, a Hebrew language program, five hours a day, five days a week, for five months – to get her Hebrew up to the level that she can be successful at a college level.

Dd16 told me on Sunday that she wants to go to school.  Why?  To make friends and learn the language.  Of course, this is why I told her it would be good, so I wasn’t opposed to the idea. 😛 She’s realized from being here in Karmiel through the summer that there’s no teenage social life, no way to meet people unless you’re in school.  She and dd15 have already gotten friendly with the only other three English speaking high school age girls from their school, and they felt they’d be limited to that without attending school – really, I’ve hardly seen any teenage girls around at all and I think they’re right. Today when the girls came back from school, they told me many of the girls in the school – which is small to start with, under 100 girls – don’t even live here!

Something I really appreciate is that the school day is so much shorter here than in the US, so the girls will be home by about 2 pm every day, which leaves time for other things than school.  The first day went well, though there’s the awkward feeling of not being able to talk to the people around you, and it will take time until they get comfortable in that regard.  But all in all, the school seems nice, the administration was pleasant to deal with – I felt they were all in all respectful of me even though they’ve never come across anyone whose homeschooled their children – and I’m looking forward to an overall positive year for the girls.

Avivah