Today is the fifth day of the 31 for 21 effort to raise awareness for Trisomy 21.
A couple of days ago I took my girls to a mother daughter event, with music playing while everyone danced together. I was filled with such a feeling of joy to see my girls so much part of everything.
The happiness I felt then was matched last night by how sad I was at the simchas beis hashoeva sponsored by the local Talmud Torah school (cheder). This is where my ds13 goes to school and where my other boys are currently registered in gan. This is also where ds6 was until a month ago when the school year started.
Really, all the elements were there for it to be a fantastic evening. Great music, energetic dancing, and plenty of room where it was held outdoors for everyone to be comfortable. There was just one problem – my boys were miserable. (Ds13 is in the US and ds5 fell asleep right before we left, so dd17 offered to stay home with them.) Ds10 and ds6 wandered around trying to find a way to join in and feeling they didn’t belong. Finally they just sat down at the side.
I had been watching from where I was at for a while, trying to see where they were. When I finally saw them, I went over to see how they were doing. One turned to me with tears in his eyes and told me he didn’t know anyone, and the other sadly said he wanted to go home. So we left.
Ds6 is a very friendly boy who knew all of these boys from kindergarten and was considered one of them until a month ago, and felt so rejected. When I commented to him that he knows so many people, he looked at me dejectedly and said, “I hardly have any friends any more. None of them know who I am anymore.” He said they don’t talk to him when he speaks to them now. Ds10 hasn’t been able to get to know any of the boys because he’s not in school with them.
In the entire crowd there, we were the only ones who send our boys to a different school, even though it’s just a five minute walk from this school. We’re part of this community but it seems my boys are essentially not. This was the potential issue I grappled with for the last year when trying to decide about ds6’s school placement, wondering if this would be something to worry about. Finally I decided that he knows all these boys and they like him, and he can continue to be friends with them outside of school hours. But I was wrong.
Unfortunately, ds6 has already had another very unpleasant experience when we went to shul less than a week ago. Some older boys (already knowing the answer) asked him if he has a male or female teacher. When he answered that his teacher is a woman (ironically, the woman who was making the kiddush at shul that everyone was there to celebrate with), they started making fun of him. And then some boys his age started making fun of him because of this as well. He came home and spent a half hour curled on the floor of his room crying instead of of being at the meal. I see him being pushed to the outside of the social circle and it doesn’t make it any easier that I know it’s not about him but about the social reality of how tightly defined communities are.
I guess I’m too sensitive and so are my kids, and maybe they’ll just have to learn to toughen up. This is a new reality for us. Maybe this happens to everyone and kids just have to learn to deal with feeling rejected. But it’s hard to see and I blame myself for making a choice based on my ideals instead of going along and doing what everyone else does.
Avivah
Given the dreadful behaviour of the other boys (who are rejecting your son), I know I would definitely want to keep him away from them, if it were my son. If those are the middot they are learning, I’d be glad he’s not spending time with them! It takes more work to find “better” friends, but I think it’s worth it in the end!
Another possible solution is for you to contact the parents of some of these kids, and arrange (supervised) playdates for your son with some of these boys (when they’re not all in a gang) and an adult should step in at the first sign of bullying-type behaviour and deflect and redirect and help the boys to interact in a more positive manner.
I’m definitely not in favour of letting young kids suffer and have to figure it all out on their own – they don’t have the social skills for that yet.
It is certainly hard to parent our kids through these tough times…
Warmly,
Louise
Rejection like this can appear only temporarily and can also appear in all kinds of communities. It takes time to integrate and a lot of thick skin being an outsider (to any community, be it school, work, club, shul, etc.) Only time will tell.
ironic that this lack of achdus or jewish unity should manifest specifically on this holiday when we take the four species in our hands to symbolize the different kinds of jews and how the whole is greater than the sum of the parts….
Avivah,
It hurts to see our kids dealing with other people behaving badly. And their hurt is very justified.
If this is the way that these boys behave, you do not want your boys spending a whole school day with them! I hope the middos of the boys at your son’s school are better than this.
Hugs
Nechama
Interesting that the first three comments all came from homeschoolers! We’re so idealistic! These boys are just like the boys at any other place, welcoming to those in their crowd and excluding or ignoring those they see as not in their crowd.
Louise, kids run around pretty freely without adult supervision at these kind of events. I keep a closer eye on my kids than anyone that I know, but I can’t see what happens on the mens’ side. Parents here don’t seem to be inclined to step in and redirect; the only parents I’ve seen so far do that have been Americans. (It’s very possible that other parents do it but I haven’t yet seen it.) I think it’s mostly an issue that parents don’t see it rather than that they ignore it.
I suppose this just means that you have to take the initiative to organize “anti bullying” lessons, talk to the heads of the schools, organize the parents and educate them, etc. And yes, I’m a home-school mom, too. Love you. Hugs.
Avivah,
You might be better off to move the children back to the other school where their friends they made last year go to.
You haven’t been in Karmiel that long for your children to form lasting relationships with children that they do not go to school with.
Even nice kids when they are in a group will sometimes go along with the group and bully. Call it peer pressure if you want, and even the nicest kids can be cruel under certain situations. Nobody is perfect, however bullying must be stopped.
If it were my children, I would rather they go to the school that they made friends last year, even if the other school is better because your children are making friends for the first time in Karmiel.
You are a great mother and teacher and can help your children if the school from last year isn’t as good, however you can’t be their friends in their age group, and being in Karmiel for only over a year, it is important that they keep the friends they made last year. Quality friendships are as important as a good school, and your children from your past blogs seemed to like the friends they made during the last year.
If it was up to me, I would move them back to the school from last year as soon as possible, even if you could do it during the middle of the school year.
Shalom Avivah,
Bob
I haven’t had this experience yet with my kids, but i do worry about what it will be like if it happens (my kids are not in the jewish school that all the other kids are in in our community and while they have a great experience in shul, i’m worried that as they get older the school kids will avoid or ignore or bully my kids since they’re not in the school.)
unfortunately though i personally have experienced this sense of rejection growing up. and i was involved in everything- school, extra-curricular activities, sports, etc. the worst part is it came from adults! my volleyball coaches gave me a hard time every single day of volleyball practice that i was never going to get better if i didn’t play club, and made me feel like an outsider with all the other players who were in club. but my friends on the team never made me feel bad that i didn’t play club…
when i went to a chabad day camp i always got comments from the rabbis and counselors of the camp that i should go to the school there. i loved camp and actually became frum because of it, but the constant “oh you should go to the school” comments were getting out of hand. when i told them i cant go to the school, (my mom wouldn’t let me), i received criticism and a feeling of rejection. it was like a “dont waste your time with her, she’s not going to go to our school anyway” type of rejection. there was no compassion, just a coldness.
ironically enough i still feel this coldness from the rabbis. “it’s our way or the highway.” i’m older and more mature now, back then i felt it as a rejection and now i view it as an insecurity. this is the only way of life they know, going to a jewish school= living a torah way of life (and of course, supporting the school ;)) i think this is just a reality, we cant change those bullying kids or adults, but we can change how we view them. i felt rejected and my feelings were tremendously hurt, and now i have healed and just feel sorry for them. sorry that they live in a box, and that they cant see that each individual person has a different road map and how they travel it should be viewed with compassion and inspiration, not negativity and rejection.
people like us will always be different; the pioneering, idealistic, hopeful generation. you and your kids are lamplighters. we are not supposed to fit in, but shine the light and reality of goodness so others can see it. it takes strong people to do this, but i’m sure your kids can handle this role with amazing parents like you and your husband. 🙂
ps- avivah have you ever heard of the indigo personality? i’m curious as to your take on it.
warmest regards,
estee
Estee, thanks for sharing your experience.
What makes you ask about the indigo personality? I once saw a video about indigo children, but I don’t know if that’s the same thing. I’ll have to do some reading on this when I have a chance.
I couldn’t leave a message for Estee, but I am an Indigo adult. She can contact me if she has any questions. I have a lot of experience 🙂
Karen
a therapist (www.healyourcore.com) recently told me that i’m an indigo and that my husband and children are indigos. i just wanted to learn more about it (she gave me a book to read but i’m struggling to fully understand it). avivah- i just wanted your Torah and mothering perspective on it 🙂
Hi karen- yes i have lots of questions about the indigo adult and child. would greatly appreciate any website or book recommendations.
Estee, please contact me directly at karen.beleck@yahoo.com and we’ll exchange info. I’m happy to help. It’s a journey! Indigo is great, once you know who you are and what you are.
I really can’t find reasons to dan l’caf schut here. Mammash its not about the kids but institutional politics – which is very dangerous. Its just pashut gaavah. The haredi Torah world in Israel appears to have taken a very wrong turn – “my way or the highway achdut'” is just wrong and immoral.
The saddest part is that the schools inculcate this gaavah into the children.
The fish are going blind. HaShem should bring light into this darkness.
BTW, our family just spent Shabbat and the Hag in Yavniel with our dearest friends. The community and achdut there are amazing. It was really refreshing to be around a loving place, where Jews of all stripes are welcome and were davening in the same shul; lots of warmth and good energy. (And what I’m used to coming from holy Milwaukee, WI).
During the hakofot sheinit, the community Rav, R. Frankel, haredi to hiloni (amazing how many non-religious locals showed up, and showed kovod l’Torah), and reminded us all that the bottom line is that we are one people. If every leading Rabbi would talk publicly this way Moshiach would be here today.
Aliza, who do you know in Yavniel? I think I know all of the English speakers there (there aren’t that many!); one of them commented on this very post!