I was at the park last week and met a mother with her toddler son. We chatted a bit and when she was ready to go, she told her son it was time to leave and he should come with her.
I watched her repeatedly over the course of a half hour try to coax him to come by saying they had a lot of errands to do so he needed to be able to walk there. Finally I asked her why she didn’t just pick him up and leave. She told me she was tired and didn’t want to hold him. I asked her if a stroller would make things easier for her, and she said she it was inconvenient to bring it. I carefully commented that for a tired toddler at the end of his day to walk the distance she had described to me was quite ambitious- my 4.5 year old would have a problem with it when he was tired!
She told me her husband doesn’t want her son to use the stroller anymore and insists that he walk wherever they need to go. They won’t pick him up when he’s unwilling to walk because they’re concerned it will teach him that he can determine what they should do rather than the parents doing it, and they don’t want him to become demanding and manipulative.
It was at this point that I asked her how old her son was since he seemed quite young to me. She said he started walking two months before and now at 16 months was a very good walker.
I try not to push my opinions on people and avoid giving advice unless its asked for or I sense it would be appreciated. I mentioned to her that at this age he’s still a baby and he didn’t seem to be disobeying but looked tired after a long day (it was around 5 pm). When I saw she was set on the idea that they can’t give in to him, I didn’t say anything else but smiled and wished her a nice evening when they finally left.
Does it seem to anyone else that the age our children are allowed to be children is shrinking?
This mother was afraid of her child being dependent and to counter her fear of his dependence she insisted he act independently. But our children are supposed to be dependent on us! They need to know we’re here for them, that we’re responsive to them and we can abundantly take care of them. It’s critical that they know we want to take care of them and we’re here for them and that we have the resources to meet their needs.
This is something that is so topsy turvy in our world – there’s too much focus on kids becoming independent. Kids need to be dependent, it’s an inherent part of their make-up and their dependence on their parents is healthy and important. If they don’t attach to a parent they’ll attach to someone else (usually their peers) but you can’t bypass this dependence.
It’s easier to make the call of when to encourage dependence when we know what the difference is between a child’s wants and needs. It gets confusing when we don’t know which is which, so we sometimes give them too much of what they don’t need and too little of what they do. It’s a learning process that we all go through and it’s an ongoing effort to stay balanced since the factors are always changing.
Regardless of who we or they are, our kids need lots of warmth, love, support and encouragement. We don’t have to be afraid that by providing them with their needs that they’ll morph into spoiled brats overnight. They won’t.
Avivah
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