Monthly Archives: November 2018

A late night conversation with a dyslexia expert

homeschooling, parenting

Early this week I got a ride from Jerusalem with someone who runs an organization to help children with language based learning disabilities. She had attended the same meeting I did, where we listened to a lawyer describe the recent changes to the inclusion laws and how that will affect children with different needs.

After our official meeting last year with officials at the Ministry of Education, we received a one year authorization to homeschool. Last week three representatives came to our home to speak to me and the kids.

Overall it was okay, but one thing that I was bothered by was a comment to one son. One representative asked him if he reads for fun, and he said not so much. She told him, “You need to work hard.”

I told the Ministry representative, he does work hard. And she said, “Yes, but I mean with reading.” I could have smacked her for saying that to him. She has no concept how hard this child has worked and continues to work every single day.

He’s up doing his academic work every morning well before she ever gets into the office!  After tremendous consistent effort (on his part and my husband’s part) he’s reading in Hebrew and English, more and more fluidly all the time. He’s felt so positively about his accomplishment, and been so excited and motivated about all the things he can learn now that he can read independently! And for someone to just throw judgment and criticism on him just casually like that was really upsetting.

It was interesting to hear how kids with reading challenges are serviced in school from someone who works with this all the time. The dyslexia expert told me that although dyslexia is extremely common (1 in 5 students), these learners are extremely under-served. (Since my son was never diagnosed, I can’t say he has dyslexia, but that’s the assumption I operated under when choosing resources to support him.)

Firstly, the kids in school with language difficulties get hardly any extra support. (All of this is me sharing what she said, not my opinion.) I just learned at this meeting that the most they can get from the government is 2 hours a week, if they can prove they need it. If they do get the additional support, it often does more harm than good, as extra tutoring is provided by those who don’t know how to teach to a child with dyslexia.

Despite the extra time, the child still doesn’t learn and feels even worse about himself, because it confirms that there’s something really wrong with him since even with this extra tutoring he’s not successful. Very often these kids don’t learn to read.

As a result, these kids very often fall between the cracks, despite usually being very bright. They tend to have low self esteem and feel like failures. That’s the typical trajectory.

To me what has been an especially significant accomplishment has not just been watching my son overcome his challenge with reading. That’s been major. But, much, much more significantly to me, he’s had a healthy and positive self image of himself as a bright and capable person throughout it all.

And if you think it’s been easy even as a homeschooler to not be reading until a later age,  it’s not. He could see that other kids could read much earlier and with much less effort than him. And the natural conclusion is to feel, ‘something must be wrong with me’.

We’d talk about everyone having his own timeline to learn things, and how some things are easy for one person and hard for another. Everyone has things that come easily for them and things that are hard for them. (He was able to see examples of that from his own life – there are many things that come easily for him.)

My son being a happy and curious learner isn’t something that people would question as being unusual. But for someone facing his challenges, it is.

Sometimes as a parent, you don’t get the feedback you’d like from the outside, and you have to recognize your own successes and pat yourself on the back for the things no one else knows you did.

There are plenty of days that I think I should do more or be more in some area or the other for my kids. So I really appreciated that night in the car, listening to an overview of what the typical experience is for kids in the school system.

Avivah

Free time?? Staying on top of things takes lots of time!

aliyah, parenting, Trisomy 21

Someone asked my husband what I do with all of my free time now that the youngest two kids aren’t home with me all day. It’s down to just three of our boys homeschooling.

Guess what? I’m still plenty busy. But I definitely have more breathing room, which I’m super grateful for.

I’ve been having regular meetings with teachers and therapists for both Yirmi (6) and Rafael (almost 2). Though it seems the school year has hardly begun, I need to start preparing for Yirmi’s placement for next year. The first step is to get a certain kind of evaluation done, which has to be organized through the Dept. of Social Services. Most kids have this done at an earlier age but since he’s never been in the system until now, we’ve never had him tested.

You think it’s easy to reach a social worker at social services? No, they’re backed up and phones aren’t answered, messages aren’t returned. I was very lucky because after two weeks of trying to get through, someone spoke to the social worker directly about me and got permission to give me her personal phone number.

Once I had that, it took just a few seconds to get through! I had to get together various paperwork and reports for appointment, which was a pleasure – she even told me to bring flyers for my Leadership Parenting workshops so she can give them out to her clients!

While I was sitting with her, my phone rang. The Ministry of Education wanted to arrange a home visit for the next day regarding the kids who are homeschooling. Sure, why not? I have nothing to do with my days but have appointments. And so three representatives spent an hour at my home, asking all about how we homeschool and speaking to our three boys currently homeschooling.

Then the next day I had an appointment with Rafael’s speech therapist, who has asked me to have regular daily sessions in Hebrew with him working on language, and another daily session in English also working on play skills.

Then the day after that I had yet another hearing test for Yirmi. His hearing tests have been inconclusive – they show some kind of hearing loss but we can’t tell if it’s due to fluids or something permanent. That test had to be done in two parts because his patience for participating ran out. That test has confirmed significant hearing loss and now we need to see the ENT again, and from there hopefully we can start the process to get him hearing aids.

Then today I got a call from Rafael’s speech therapist that she just saw his hearing test that I sent her, and though I was told it was fine by the audiologist, she says he is showing some degree of hearing loss as well. Now I need to move forward on more testing for him.

Tomorrow I have blood work scheduled for both of them to have ready for the pediatric endocrinologist next week to check thyroid function. And the next day a school Chanuka party for Yirmi to attend (all parents are invited).

Then there was the meeting in Jerusalem that I attended to learn about the changes to the inclusion law in Israel and how that will affect Yirmi’s school placement. Basically, discrimination has now been legalized. It’s very clear that inclusion in this country is only an option for the children whose parents have a willingness to fight for their child (every parent there who I spoke to, hearing that he will be going into first grade said something along the lines of ‘Get your boxing gloves on!”), combined with ample financial resources and/or the luxury of a parent who isn’t working full-time to facilitate his inclusion.

Very sad that despite it being well known that inclusion benefits not only the child but the other children in a positive way, a country as advanced as Israel is moving towards the Dark Ages.

I’ve spoken to one school about Yirmi and they said they might consider it for the year after next but not the coming school year. The problem is they hear ‘Down syndrome’ and they’re so concerned his needs will be too much for them that they don’t want to meet him to see who he actually is and what he’s capable of (much, much more capable and much less extra effort on their part than they’re thinking).  I’m going to need to have a follow up discussion with that principal.

It’s never boring and I haven’t yet found myself with an abundance of extra time to sit around in a quiet house and nothing to do but meditate. 🙂

Avivah

My weekly food expenses, week of Nov. 19

frugal strategies, homemaking

People often ask about how I keep my food costs down, especially since they know we try to eat healthfully and don’t use the typically less expensive processed foods (pasta, anyone?).

Currently there are nine of us living at home, two adults, two teenagers, and two others who eat as much as teenagers :).  Most weekends we have at least one married couple and once a month my almost 20 year old son is home from yeshiva. We also sometimes have guests but less often than we did before the kids were married – we like to leave time to spend with them.

We have two children who are gluten free so all meals during the week are made accordingly.  Our costs include three meals a day; I send lunch for my husband (my new cost cutting measure since we were both shocked how much he was spending) and my high schooler takes lunch with him.

Right now my weekly budget for food is 1100 shekels and includes toiletries and other miscellaneous things that have nothing to do with food like paying to recharge my sons’ bus cards. I’ve even bought clothes using food  money just because the cash is in my wallet! At the beginning of this month I tightened up on my record keeping so I can have an exact number for how much is spent on food; I know it’s under 1000 but I don’t know how much less. Starting next month I’ll have a better reference point.

My costs aren’t a reflection of only what I buy or where I buy it, but when and how I shop. People think I must shop somewhere different than them, but it’s really my combined strategies that add up to my reduced costs.

I allocate our food budget money once a week; below you’ll see my list of what I bought.

Here’s my shopping list for this week (prices in shekels):

  • chicken breasts, 10 pkg (13.2 kg x 19.90) – 264 approx.
  • chicken quarters,  5 pkg (5.775 kg x 15.90) – 91.82
  • whole chicken, 2 (4.90 kg x 13.90) – 84.11
  • grape juice, 3 – 43
  • butter (2 – 200 gr. pkg) – 15.20
  • milk (2) – 9
  • olives, 4 x 6.49 – 25.60
  • canned mushrooms (3) – 7.80
  • coconut cream (4 x 6.90) – 41.40
  • swiss chard (5), celery (3), parsley (2) , dill (1) , coriander (1)- 33
  • sugar – 4.40
  • chocolate gelt for Chanuka (8 bags) – 20
  • flour (5) – 10
  • diapers (4) – 98
  • tissues, 1 five pack- 6.80

Fruits and vegetables:

  • red potatoes, 11 kg (x 2.90)- 30 shekels
  • bananas, 2.8 kg x 3.90 kg – 11.06
  • red peppers, 5.6 kg x 3.90- 22.18
  • sweet potatoes, 20 kg approx x 2.9 –  58.80
  • ginger – .115 kg x 14.90 – 1.71
  • apples and oranges – (13.38 kg x 2.90) – 38.80

That brings me pretty close to the end of the budget for the week!

You might be looking at this list and wondering what kind of list this is! It looks very incomplete, right?

I buy large amounts of items when they go on sale; if the price is nothing special, I get just what I need for a week or so. Each week always includes the food I’m buying that will be used beyond that week.

Things I didn’t need to buy:

  • eggs
  • cukes, tomatoes, carrots, avocados, onions, lettuce – bought at the end of last week
  • rice, kasha, oatmeal, lentils (brown/orange), white/red/black/black eyed peas, chickpeas
  • tomato paste, canned tomatoes, tuna, canned fruit, applesauce
  • chicken wings, gizzards, ground chicken
  • coconut oil, olive oil
  • spices, lemon juice, vinegar
  • toilet paper, shampoo, disposable napkins/utensils

What I’ll buy between now and the end of the week:

  • Possibly some more cucumber and tomatoes – 20

Some of you may be living locally and wondering about the sale pricing on some of these things. I keep an eye on sale flyers and I get text message updates from another supermarket. This allows me to buy the items that are on sale and buy the rest of what I need from the supermarkets that overall have good prices (but can’t compete on the loss leader pricing).

For example, this week I bought 2 cases of sweet potatoes. In this cool weather, they’ll easily last three weeks. The sweet potatoes were on sale for 2.90 a kg; the usual price is 7.90 or more. This store has sale pricing on select produce two days a week – guess when I shop there? 🙂

Avivah

** I know some of you will want to know about kosher certification. I usually buy the Of Tov brand for chicken, which is not only usually less expensive but is antibiotic free. We’ve asked our rav about hechsherim and I suggest you do the same if you’re wondering about what is advisable to buy. I give no suggestions or recommendations in this area!

 

Why I bought an overpriced, beat up freezer

food preservation, frugal strategies, homemaking

This summer, I saw a used freezer listed for sale. It was priced too high, and when I went to take a look at it saw that it wasn’t cosmetically the best. A shelf was missing from the main freezer, a shelf support was missing on the door, and someone had tried to repaint over the very bottom. And the owner was only willing to go down a hundred shekels on the price.

When I buy used, I like to buy things that are in excellent condition – it doesn’t have to look brand new but I want it to look really good. And I like to buy things that are a good deal. Nothing about this freezer was a match for me.

Except for one important feature… and I bought this beat up old freezer! Why in the world did I do that?

With my oldest daughters married and my older teenagers all not available, I was feeling maxxed out and realized I needed some kind of help. The younger boys were a big help but I didn’t want to ask too much of them, and I couldn’t keep doing everything else myself – the shopping, the cooking, the laundry, the cleaning, the million and one other things that go with being a parent and keeping a house running. And homeschool. And spend relaxed time with my children. And give parenting classes. And see clients privately.

Too much.

Either I was going to have to pay someone to cook or clean for me (which in 26 years I had never done), or I was going to have to find some other kind of help.

This was my solution. This 14 year old massive American freezer that wouldn’t win any contests for looks.

freezer overview

The winning feature? Its size.

They don’t make freezers this big here; this was  brought over on a lift when someone moved here. I knew the additional space would allow me to cut down on how often I shopped and maximize good deals when I found them. I’d be able to cook in advance and save time on busy evenings. That would mean fewer things taking up my time and energy.

I paid 600 shekels and while it wasn’t technically worth more than 500 max, it was worth every shekel to me!

I’ve already saved tons of money by stocking up on chicken when the prices are low. And I’ve saved travel time and shopping time and gas costs in being able to shop less often. But more than the money savings – and that’s a significant reason to have a freezer – this has made my life so much easier!

It’s kind of like having a personal assistant. Kind of. Because while I still have to do the work, I can maximize my efforts by preparing two times the recipe, serving one and freezing one for a different night.

I can’t tell you how much I love this!

Here’s the picture tour. 🙂

 

freezer top

Top shelf: frozen meals (each labeled on top – the labels on the side tend to fall off).

Second shelf down: on the left, frozen chicken breasts and whole chicken. Bought on sale, of course. About 25 kg at this moment.

On the right side are lunches for my husband to take to work – he takes one out every evening before going to bed and it’s defrosted when he leaves early in the morning.

 

freezer middle

Here’s my solution to the missing shelf. I didn’t want to waste all that space and it was way too high a space to stack things.

I got these stackable plastic crates for free from two different supermarkets – crates of vegetables are packed in these and then thrown away. It would be nice if they fit perfectly and used every bit of space but it’s pretty darn good! This is all chicken wings; I bought 30 kg when they were on sale for 4.90 a couple of weeks ago.

freezer bottom

On the shelf under the chicken wings are frozen vegetables and fish.

The bottom is a pull out drawer and it filled with bags of cooked and shredded or sliced chicken gizzards to the left, and bags of frozen mashed bananas on the right.

(And on the very bottom you see the scuffy paint job. At some point when it’s empty, I’m going to clean it all out, scrape out the old paint and silicone it. I think that would look much better. But even though it’s ugly it’s still very usable so there’s no urgency to do this any time soon.)

In the door I have bags of cooked beans and other odds and ends. I have a couple of ideas of how to build a substitute door support for the top door shelf, but I haven’t needed the space yet so again, not pressing.

And now that I’ve reworked the space in our new kitchen area, we have room for a fridge and the freezer side by side, so it’s super convenient and easy to access.

I’m telling you, the simple things in life can make such a huge difference!

Avivah

 

How to be a good mother-in-law – be positive or don’t say anything at all

parenting, personal development

On Friday morning, I had a long and satisfying talk with a good friend who I get to speak with far too rarely.

We’re in a similar stage of life – she also has three married children – and she shared how hard it is for her to see her married children making choices that are different from those she would make. These weren’t superficial choices, but things that were very close to her heart and her values. She stated very honestly that it makes her feel like she failed as a parent.

That night, we had all of our three of our married couples over. It was especially nice since it was my birthday weekend. True to our family tradition, each person shared something they appreciated about me.

All three in-law children mentioned that they appreciate that I don’t impose my opinions on them and give them space as a couple.  There’s a famous saying: “To be a good mother-in-law, keep your mouth shut and your purse open.”  While I’d replace the second part with ‘give without strings attached’, there’s definitely truth to this saying.

Establish healthy boundaries over the years. Learning to have healthy boundaries isn’t something that begins the day your child get married. As my children grow and mature, bit by bit I give them more independence and less active direction. It’s a gradual process. So it’s not as if I suddenly had to cut the ties and clamp my mouth shut after the wedding ceremony!

Remember how you felt when you were criticized. I’ve had the experience of being criticized for choices I’ve made as a wife/parent. While I now have no doubt it was well-intended, it was very hard for me to hear. It certainly didn’t enhance my positive feelings towards the person expressing his or her dissatisfaction with me.  However, I’m glad I had that experience because it gave me a perspective that is now helpful to me.

Recognize your child is an adult.  I’m very blessed in that we really hit the jackpot with wonderful people marrying into our family. I have tremendous respect for each of my married children and their spouses. Every single one of them are mature and responsible adults and I trust them to make good decisions.

Good choices aren’t about what you would do.  Good decisions aren’t those that are the same as what I would make, but those that are right for them.

My daughter-in-law asked me about a birthing option when she was expecting and knowing my natural-oriented approach said, “I know you think I should xyz.” I told her honestly, “No, I don’t think that. You have to do what’s right for you and no one else can know what that is. The ‘right’ choice is the one that is right for you.”

I shared this with someone who then objected, but don’t you have an objective position on one option being better than the other? Yes, I do, when it’s a theoretical discussion. When it comes to making a personal choice, it’s up to each person to do his research and then make his decision. And my role is to honor that.

(There is a limit to honoring the differences. When we discussed this at the table, I said that while I wouldn’t want to interfere with their parenting, I would definitely speak up if I saw something really concerned me. The question then would be how and when to share those concerns.)

Detach your sense of worth from your child’s choices – It’s important to not derive your sense of success as a parent from the choices your children make – ie, they do what I do, so I did a good job; they make different choices so I failed. This is where developing an independent sense of self-worth is critical – I can’t be dependent for how I feel about myself today based on what my children do or don’t do. 

(Or even if my children like me or not. That’s the subject for another post!)

Don’t volunteer your opinion. If someone wants my opinion, they can ask me. But the older I get, the less quick I am to offer my opinion even when asked.  I feel very, very strongly that what I do is right for me, based on my needs, my assessment of the situation, my goals. And therefore when asked I tend to stress that this is what I do.

When it comes to older children (not just those who are married), the less you give your opinion, the better. Believe me, they already know what your position is on just about everything by then without you saying it again!

 

Avivah

Cutting food costs to build savings, weekly menu plan

frugal strategies, menu plans

In the next 3.5 years, we’ll be making three bar mitzvas (the first of which is five months away).

Not only that, in the next 1.5 – 2 years, two of our children are likely to start dating for the purpose of marriage, which means funding two more weddings.

Those are all substantial expenses.  You can make frugal bar mitzvas and be cost conscious about weddings but frugal still isn’t free. Not at all.

During a recent conversation with my husband, we both agreed we’d like to be more intentional about our spending in order to increase our savings towards these big expenses.

Did you know that food is the second biggest expense for most people, after their mortgage/rent payments?  That’s why it makes sense to look at your spending on food if you want to create some financial leeway.

No, being more frugal with shopping and cooking alone won’t create tens of thousands of shekels of savings in two years but nonetheless, there’s a lot more saving potential in the small things than you might think!

So with that in mind, I’m setting a goal for myself to cut our food costs and channel the savings into, well, savings!

I find menu planning in the winter so much easier than in the summer, since thick stews and filling soups are appreciated by everyone!

Here’s the menu plan for this week:

Sunday: l – pitas with butter; dinner –  crustless turkey pot pie and kasha

Monday: l – bean burgers; d – salmon chowder

Tuesday: l – white bean shakshuka; d – ground beef sauce with spinach and baked potatoes

Wednesday: d – winter lentil soup

Thursday: d – chicken chili with white beans

You’ll notice that I haven’t planned out every meal – that’s because I sometimes use leftovers from dinner for lunch.  When I purposely cook double, I put it in the freezer for a meal a week or two later.

*********************

Last week ds11 and I went to pick up our order for 20 kg of coconut oil at the baking supply store I periodically order from.

I heard about a different wholesale store and since it was just 20 km away from the baking supply store (well at least on the map – naturally it took longer than I anticipated), decided to check it out after picking up the coconut oil.  It was reminiscent of the bulk shopping trips I used to make in the US, though smaller in scale, and I appreciate now having a car makes this a doable outing.

This store sells only bulk quantities and though the price difference on some items was unimpressive, on others it was significant. It was an exhausting shopping trip and while at first I wasn’t sure I would go back because it was so frustrating that they didn’t have prices or the minimum necessary purchase listed on lots of items nor could anyone working there other than a cashier help. But next time I’ll go early in the day when I’m better rested and I’ll know what to expect.

I’ve been trying out new recipes lately to integrate more beans into our family meals. So far all the new experiments have been very well received.

I’ve shared before about how helpful it is for me to soak and then cook large quantities of beans at one time, then to freeze them into portion sizes for easy use when I want to use them to cook with. It bears repeating since it’s a huge time and money saver!  (I’ll try to write about how this can be a starting place for a snowball savings.)

Dd22 opened up my freezer when she visited, and when seeing my bags of cooked beans and mashed bananas lining the freezer door commented that my freezer looks like hers, but in larger quantities! She’s grown up with these strategies so I suppose they’re second nature.

Another thing I regularly do is purchase a large quantity of gizzards. They are inexpensive pound for pound since there are no bones, very nutritious and very versatile. I usually cook up about 8 kilos of turkey gizzards, and a similar quantity of chicken gizzards.

Once they’re cooked, I slice the turkey gizzards and shred the chicken gizzards (using a food processor – I used to do it by hand and it took way too long!), then freeze meal sized portions. It’s so easy to pull it out for meals – I use shredded chicken in place of ground beef, and the sliced turkey in place of other dishes that call for a larger cut. For 208 shekels, I have between 16 – 20 family meals of cooked chicken ready to be used.

Avivah

 

Aliza Bloch and the power of a vision

personal development

Here in Israel we’ve just wrapped up the voting across the country for various local positions.

I’m not going to go into the politics of the elections – that’s not relevant to most of you. But what is of interest is to see an inspiring model of a person who actualized a vision that seemed like a fantasy, something that could never happen.

Dr. Aliza Bloch wanted to become the mayor of Beit Shemesh and change how things were being run.

When she announced her candidacy five months ago, the announcement was met with great skepticism and disinterest. No one wanted to challenge the incumbent since after the last election, it was accepted as fact that a non-charedi candidate couldn’t win. By sheer number of votes, the charedi voters of the city would determine the outcome and obviously they would vote.

Aliza Bloch wasn’t charedi. Not only that, she was a woman – and there’s never been a female mayor of this city in all of its decades. She didn’t have a chance. And that was why there was so much skepticism and apathy regarding her candidacy.

But Dr. Bloch believed differently. She spent hours almost every day for five months knocking door to door, meeting people one at a time, meeting with small groups in neighborhood after neighborhood, listening to concerns, formulating a plan and sharing her vision.

Not only that, she began the work of planning for the actions she would take once she was elected, reaching out to businesses, planning initiatives to bring income into the city – preparing to implement her vision when she was elected.

Laughable, isn’t it? To prepare for the impossible that everyone else can clearly see can’t happen?

Except that as people got to know her, they began to believe her vision. Her personal vision became a vision shared by thousands of people.

Two days ago, our city held elections. It was a race that was neck and neck, and when all the votes were counted that evening, the votes were in: the incumbent mayor won by 101 votes (out of over 40,000).

So it was over. She lost. So much for her vision.

Except then  it was announced that the votes of several groups hadn’t yet been counted – and when those were all accounted for a day and a half later, Aliza Bloch was 533 votes ahead.

At 3 am this morning it was finally official – Dr. Aliza Bloch was announced as the new mayor of Beit Shemesh.

For me, watching this campaign has been a living example of what it looks like have a mental picture of what you want to achieve, and then consistently work towards that goal, stick toward your goal and never stop believing in your vision.

Avivah