I was lying in bed, unable to sleep and I had to finally get up and write here.
I was thinking about an irony I’ve noticed : the more I have to say, the less I write about it. Why is that? What changed from when I shared so freely on so many topics? Why now, when I have just as much to share, and much more life experience and confidence, do I so often feel reticent and even avoidant?
There are a few factors – but a big one is, it doesn’t always feel like a friendly or safe space anymore.
Several years ago, I began noticing that when I wrote on certain topics, people who had never commented or even visited my blog before would speak up in very strong terms disagreeing with me. They were atypical of my blog readers, and I didn’t understand why they bothered reading my blog or commenting. If you don’t like it, just move along – there are plenty of other places to read things you agree with. If you’re here, you’re going to get my perspective.
I would later learn that what I was experiencing was happening all over the natural health blogosphere and was known as ‘astroturfing’. This is when people are paid to surf the internet looking for certain keywords and ‘seed’ the comment section of a blog with hostile comments in an attempt to discredit the person writing.
Then about three years ago, my kids started shidduchim. I always knew that day would come and wasn’t afraid of anyone reading anything I wrote. After all, I’ve been true to myself and figured anyone who read would know who I am and what I’m about – I’ve never tried to create an image or portray myself or my family differently than we are.
I had assumed that what I wrote would be read in context, but soon experienced how hurtful it could be when strangers would look through years worth of posts and pick out details out of context. It didn’t happen that often but it was enough for me to feel very wary.
Just being a blogger was enough to end one shidduch suggestion! The other side was very interested in my son, until they did research and learned that I have a blog. Don’t you know the Agudah came out against bloggers as anti-religion and mockers of all that is good and holy? When the shadchan told me they said no because ‘you’re a blogger‘, it was like she was saying a bad word.
Even little things could be seen as a big deal. I once mentioned to a shadchan (who has no internet access and has never read my blog ) that I had just been baking bagels with my kids for an activity and she did a double take – ‘Oh, wait, you eat whole wheat? So you’re, like really into health food?’ I heard the mental gears spinning in her head as she reevaluated our past conversation and reassigned me to a different ‘box’.
I thought I would share openly again once my oldest three were out of shidduchim, but that hasn’t happened. Because once you shut yourself down, it’s not so easy to open up again.
I’ve watched through the lens of social media as people have become more disrespectful, hostile, and even hateful towards those who don’t share their opinions. People seem more and more to be looking for echo chambers rather than to dialogue with others of different perspectives from a place of mutual respect.
It takes courage to share one’s thoughts honestly. I was unable to sleep as I asked myself, have I written less from a place of fear/ lack of courage(bad), or from a place of honoring my own changing needs (good)?
‘To thine own self be true’ – that always resonates for me. How does that play out day to day?
As with so many things, the answers are subtle. Writing should serve the writer just as much as the readers. My personal feeling is that I need to listen to what feels right for me at that moment. What is one day motivated by one thing can be motivated by something else entirely on a different day.
No answers to share tonight, just some of my swirling thoughts. 🙂
Avivah
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