Monthly Archives: April 2019

Kids need less supervision and more independence

parenting,

At dinner one night, my almost 13 year old said that a friend of his was using a knife, and the father got angry at him and told him he’d punish him if he caught him using it again.

(I suspect this friend probably wasn’t docilely slicing cucumbers for dinner. Whatever the case was, my son was surprised.)

He then indignantly continued, “My little brother turned on the fire and cooked his own food when he was four (he was five, actually) and saws away on boxes with knives and you don’t say anything, and my friend isn’t even allowed to use a knife?!?”

I laughed and said if people heard him they might accuse me of being irresponsible.

He responded, “No, it’s good you let us do things.”

Then another son commented about an instance I once referenced from The Continuum Concept, by Jean Liedloff. I read this book many years ago and don’t remember most of what I read, but one thing was so powerful and thought-provoking that it stayed with me all this time.

Jean visited a native village, and noticed that machetes were left laying around and little babies were allowed to play with them. Astonishingly (to our Westernized eyes, anyway) no one ever got hurt, other than an infant of Westernized (anxious) parents.

There were also pits that the babies crawled around, sometimes seeming oblivious to them and sitting with their backs right next to the edge. But she recognized that they had the awareness of themselves in space and these infants never fell in.

How could that be? How could parents be so extremely relaxed and oblivious to serious dangers their children were facing? Why didn’t they put away the machetes until the kids were old enough to be taught to use them safely, and fill in or cover up the pits?

Were those situations inherently dangerous, or was it the parents attitude toward them that created the danger? It gave me a lot to think about.

Kids need space to try new things, to stretch their wings, to learn new skills and to make mistakes. And there’s precious little space for kids to do that nowadays. Even if parents want to give their kids more freedom and independence, they have to be concerned that strangers will call the police or social services for letting their children walk somewhere alone, play in the park alone or the like.

So even those parents who theoretically are willing to let their children explore and expand their limits are often too fearful of the consequences to allow it.

kids exploring

A couple of weeks ago I took a couple of my sons with me on a womens’ hike. (Once a year there’s a family hike, and last year my boys accompanied me. The leader then generously told me my boys were welcome to come anytime!)

So there we were, hiking away, when we came across an interesting ancient structure and well. Naturally, the boys wanted to get closer and check them out.

Several adults kept telling my boys to be careful, not to climb there, not to go there, because it’s dangerous. “Stand back, don’t get so close, go down, you could fall, you could get hurt!” I assured more than one woman that not only was I watching them but that they were safety conscious and wouldn’t do anything risky.

It seems that we adults can’t resist projecting our own fears onto kids. We think of every single possibility of something that could go wrong (and we’ve all seen enough articles and news reports of pretty much every horrible possibility), and then we think we have to warn our kids as if it’s all a likelihood for them that moment.

Can you see how adult fear diminishes the opportunities for a child to develop faith in his own ability?

As problematic as screen time is, it has created a solution for how to keep the children ‘safely’ occupied, while at the same time it’s created a generation of physically inactive, socially uncomfortable and emotionally insecure children.

At the end of the hike, we came upon a large  well.

The water was probably about ten feet across, our boys know how to swim, and there was a welded iron ladder leading down into the water by which a person could climb in and out. There were no currents, no waves, no sharks, and I was standing close by – it was actually kind of similar to a small swimming pool. When they asked me if they could go in, what do you think I said?

I told them absolutely not. Not because it was dangerous, because it wasn’t. But because others would think it was and would be horrified if I allowed that.

As we walked away from that well, I thought regretfully about the many generations of children across the ages who were allowed to do so much more than our kids can. The idea that kids at the ages of my boys (almost ten and 11.5) needed constant monitoring and admonitions to stay safe would have been ludicrous.

I would like to think that if I hadn’t been concerned about the reactions of others that I would have allowed our boys to go in the water.

Even if I had, it wouldn’t be because I’m so chilled. I’m not. People think I’m more relaxed than I am by the things I allow, but like most of us, I’m a product of our environment.

What helps me set aside my own worries is reminding myself how important it is for kids to have opportunities for expansion, exploration and development, and remembering those little babies who grew up being trusted and responding accordingly.

Avivah

Bar mitzva preps, Pesach preps, and doing renovation stuff

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You know back in the summer, when I told you our family had undertaken a big renovation project that involved knocking down two walls and switching the locations of a bedroom and kitchen?

There’s a reason I never showed you the final pictures. Because I never completely finished this project.

It was a very ambitious project and it became incredibly draining and overwhelming when I ended up with much less help than I anticipated. My backup plan had been to hire a handyman who was doing other work for us to finish whatever wasn’t done within three weeks, which I told him from the start and he agreed to. I knew starting out that I absolutely did not want a project that dragged on and on.

So starting off, I thought I had all the bases covered – a good schedule for work to be done and a good exit plan.

However, that didn’t work out either – we just couldn’t get the guy to come more than once every week or two for a very short period, even with repeated reminders and advance scheduling. He’s busy, and honestly, it’s not any more fun for him than for me to do all the smaller finishing stuff.

So it became obvious that the project would need to be completed by me. The details of what needed to be done seemed never ending, and it was mentally wearing to always have more to do.

Most of it was done. But not the final touches that make a project look done.

I was so utterly maxxed out by this project that I took a huge break from giving workshops, dramatically cut down on private sessions with clients, and from anything extra, actually. I was the definition of overextended and burnt out.

I went waaaay past my limitations for an extended period in a way that I hadn’t done for years.

As a result, I needed to consciously fill myself up after that extreme period of depletion. In large part that meant has been leaving a lot of margin in my schedule so that every moment wasn’t filled with potential activities and tasks. In trying to do this, I recognized how very full my regular life is without any extra projects!

After a very long break, I finally have some mental head space to get this finished now! It’s also vacation for my twenty year old son, who is always willing to help out as much as he can when he’s home. So things are starting to get done.

Last week I had new counters and sinks installed. This week I the faucets installed and last night I began tiling the backslash in the kitchen. A glass cabinet door cracked and I hope this morning they’ll be ready to be picked up from the glass repair place and then reinstalled. (I took them there three weeks ago!)

(Maybe one day I’ll write a post about the countertops we built and installed that ended up not being frugal at all. That’s what we had until now.)

Someone came by last night and I apologized for the mess in the kitchen. He said that’s what everyone’s kitchen looks like now! I think mine is more than usual, with the wall in the process of being tiled, dishes that couldn’t be washed (since the tile glue has to set and can’t be gotten wet) piled in the sink, the counter covered with pieces of newspaper for protection, a container of contact cement on the floor, pieces of cut laminate on another counter, tiles and the tile cutter piled on the floor…

Not to mention the mess of cleaning for Pesach – we’re at that stage when each room is getting cleaner but all the stuff people don’t want or need is getting moved out and some of that is in the living room. I don’t like visual clutter and there’s  lot of it right now.

BUT——–

It’s getting done! And for the first time in a long, long time, I have some energy for this project and am enjoying doing it.

 

In response to a reader question about bar mitzva costs, I’ll be sharing that with you in the coming week after we wrap up the celebrations here.

For now, we’re looking forward to hosting our entire immediate family for this Shabbos. My son will be reading the Torah on Shabbos morning at KSY, followd by a kiddush – for those in the area, please consider yourself invited – I would love to see you there!

Avivah

Criticizing what I see in other people’s home?

parenting

I have another post ready to share with you about something a child said that was appreciative of me, but after receiving the following private message via Facebook, felt it would be appropriate for me to first respond to that in the event that others share the same feelings.

I asked the person for permission to quote her concerns anonymously but she didn’t agree. So I’ll sum up:

A mother was extremely upset that I might have been referencing an interaction that took place at her home  in my last post (when my son said he appreciates that I smile at them a lot and that not everyone does that).

She said whether it was her or not, I should give the mother the benefit of the doubt, that I sounded very judgmental and that all siblings in a family don’t get along every moment of the day.

She added that as a parenting coach, it’s inappropriate for me to blog about what I or my children see in other people’s homes.

I completely understand the fear someone would feel that I was writing about them in a negative way here. I would similarly feel very sensitive if I suspected someone wrote a post that in a oblique way was referencing me as a lousy mother. That would feel like a huge violation.

(I assume my son’s comment was based on seeing different families in different settings – he didn’t reference anyone or anything specific.)

In the past I’ve occasionally received comments from clients saying they noticed I referenced what they told me in a session – I would NEVER write about what a client tells me in confidence.  What they are seeing is that the issues they share with me are common enough that others are telling me similar things in casual conversation!

One time, three different people read the same post and told me they thought I was writing it based on a conversation with them – and it wasn’t any of them! Someone had given me a ride somewhere and we had a five minute chat as we drove; her comments were the basis of that post.

As parents, most of us are challenged by similar situations and it’s those situations that I write about. My intent is to share my personal experiences and reflections, ideas that have worked for me in how to think or respond more effectively to challenging situations. This isn’t a blog about anyone except for me.

This week I shared about my child’s comment to me about ME. His positive appreciation of something that I do doesn’t mean either of us are negatively judging others, simply noticing there are different ways of doing things!

My kids don’t talk about what they see in the homes of other people – I don’t encourage talking about others and I try not to do it myself. There are many fascinating things to discuss and other peoples’ business isn’t my preferred dinner topic conversation.

My kids have a strong ability to see the good in others and accept them as they are. I have conscious tried to convey to them the importance of giving others the benefit of the doubt, and regularly talk about different possibilities to explain annoying behavior we experience.

For example, if someone is nasty at the store, I’ll tell the child with me that she probably is having a hard day, maybe she has a headache or is feeling sick, that we don’t know what her life is like and she’s doing the best she can right now. I say these kind of things often to them (and myself!).

I really believe that every one of us is doing the best that he can at that moment. Sometimes that best looks better than other times, but sometimes people’s ability to respond positively or constructively is hampered by the challenges they’re going through.

My post was sharing one comment of appreciation – my son notices that I smile often and frequently say positive things to my children. He didn’t say another mother he saw somewhere was a shrieking witch.

I can’t control anyone else’s response to what I write, but my intent when I write is never to criticize anyone.

Avivah

The power of smiling at your children

parenting

In the last few days, several children have told me things they appreciate about our family and at the risk of sounding self-inflating, I’m going to share them over the next few posts.

————————

Recently ds11 came home and told me, “I never knew what a nice family we had!”

Knowing that didn’t come out of the blue, I asked him what he meant.

He told me, “Well, I thought we had a nice family but you know, sometimes brothers are annoying. But I see that really everyone in our family is very nice and treats each other nicely.

And whenever we come home, you always smile at us and say nice things like ‘I’m so happy to see you!’ Not everyone does that.”

(My kids are very careful about not speaking negatively about others, so they won’t directly say if they see something at the home of someone else or anywhere else that they don’t like. And as interesting as I would find specific feedback, I don’t encourage that kind of discussion.)

Believe me, I’ve had years of complaints and suggestions about how I could do things better! It’s nice when they start to have a more appreciative eye.

I was struck by how much a smile meant to my son.  Smiling at your child doesn’t seem like such a big deal, does it? It really isn’t a major action to take, but it has the power to make a person feel warm and loved inside. And the absence of that smile was striking enough for my son to think about how much he appreciated the family he has.

Avivah