When I have some time away from my blog and then come back, I always have a sense of “Where do I start with and what should I talk about first?” Today I’ll answer this question that’s been sitting in the queue for a while!
My son’s bar mitzva was beautiful. He had a long and difficult Torah portion to read, and he did beautifully. He also read the Haftorah. The rest of our male family members dominated the prayer service. 🙂 One son got hagba (raising the Torah scroll), another was honored with p’sicha (opening the ark), my husband and sons-in-law received aliyahs, and and my oldest son davened the musaf service. It was very special for me.
And all of our little granddaughters were there, even the newest one who was less than two weeks old. And of course their mothers. 🙂
I’m telling you, it was serious nachas. I kept thanking Hashem for the privilege of raising these children and His kindness and partnership with us throughout the years.
I have a question for you, if you have time, I’d love to get your thoughts on bar mitzvahs and not spending 10k like most of my son’s friends are doing..!
Well, how much you spend depends on where you live, what the standards are and how comfortable you are establishing your own standards!
A friend recently made a bar mitzva and told me I was her inspiration for thinking outside of the box and doing what was right for her family – which included keeping costs proportionate to their income. I love hearing about people finding their own path; it’s not always easy but there’s a lot of freedom in acknowledging your personal preferences and limitations, and making choices accordingly.
I remember speaking to an Ethiopian woman in Karmiel who worked cleaning homes for a living. She told me she spent thirty thousand shekels on her son’s bar mitzva party. When I expressed surprise (shock, actually), she told me this was the norm for all of his friends. A friend here in RBS told me the same figure.
There’s no question that it’s a lot of pressure when all of your child’s have a given standard and you feel you have to live up to it. After all, you don’t want to embarrass your child. So hopefully you’ve chosen a community that has compatible values in terms of how a simcha is celebrated with your own.
When it comes to bar mitzva plans, we take into account the preferences of the bar mitzva boy. I originally had one thing in mind, and my son had a different idea.
I thought since his actual birthday was on Shabbos, we’d have a large lunch meal with all our family and his friends in attendance. When ds20 had this same scenario, we had 90 people for Shabbos lunch and it was really lovely. But when I broached the idea with my son, he told me that he has friends and teachers who don’t live locally, and it was very important to him that he have an event that all of his classmates and teachers could attend. So that was the end of my idea!
The Shabbos of the bar mitzva we had immediate family members for the entire Shabbos. On Shabbos morning we hosted a kiddush (dessert buffet) at shul following his Torah reading.
Most of his friends have their bar mitzva celebrations in a hall. I didn’t want to do that, because then we have to fill the hall and I wasn’t planning to invite my friends. The purpose of this evening was for my son to celebrate with the people he wanted to have there. He made the invitation list, he delivered them all personally to everyone on his list – I gave no suggestions or input to this. (Some of our friends did come, because he wanted them there and invited them!)
We are blessed with a large porch, and thanks to the renovations we did this summer, we have a large open plan dining room/kitchen. While certainly not comparable in size to a hall, I was sure we could fit the 60 – 70 people he wanted to invite for a sit down meal.
Our plans changed just a week before the party. Due to the unseasonable and unpredictable cold and rainy weather we were having. I wasn’t at all confident that the weather would cooperate with our plans. So at the last minute we scrambled to find a new location and had his party at a shul.
This ended up being really nice for a number of reasons and I think it was nicer than it would have been at our home.
I feel a sense of communal responsibility every time we have an event, because community expectations are based on what everyone does. I think it’s a kindness to the community to unapologetically hold the costs and standards down, which are continually ratcheting up. My goal has never been to have the cheapest possible event, but to have a celebration that honors the person being celebrated, and to do it in a tasteful and financially responsible way.
My experience is that people appreciate it, and I don’t think anyone has ever considered any of our celebrations cheap. The principal of my son’s school was there and told us how much he liked how we did it: “Hakol she’tzarich k’mo she’tzarich” – loosely translated to, “Everything that there should be, in the spirit it should have. ”
I saved every receipt so I could share with you exactly what I spent for everything, but if I wait until I sift through and add up every shekel, this post isn’t going to get finished for a very long time! I have all the exact figures except for the bar mitzva meal food expenses written down so I’m going to overestimate on that rather than give numbers that are too low.
Since I think the question that was asked was inquiring about the costs generally associated with the party itself, I’m not including the costs of bar mitzva lessons for nine months (about 3000 shekels), or tefillin (also 3000 – we got a very good price on them). However, I’m mentioning them since they are spiritually and financially significant. They aren’t usually talked about but these are the most important costs, the costs of preparing a young man for a life of mitzvos.
Kiddush – our shul has a very simple standard, which I appreciate, and there are two different options. The simpler kiddush is 2200 shekels and includes brownies, cookies, chocolate rugelach, cinnamon rugelach, potato kugel, pekalach and drinks. The one that is slightly nicer is 2600 shekels, and includes herring and crackers in addition to the other items.
This really isn’t a lot, considering the shul I used to go to has an average cost of 6000 shekels for the kiddush (it’s a completely different standard), and that this is for 200 people. But it was more than I wanted to spend for a simple kiddush. I asked the person who takes care of this to share a list of what items are bought and quantities of each, and told him I’d like to try doing some of my own shopping. Since this isn’t something the shul makes a profit on, he was doubtful that I could do any better price-wise but agreed.
I decided not to get the potato kugel. Yes, that’s standard for the shul but I can do what I want to do, right? (That’s what I reminded myself because I was feeling I had to get exactly what he usually got!) I didn’t feel it added value for me personally. I got about eight kinds of bakery cookies, two kinds of crackers and three kinds of rugelach (miniature rolled yeast cakes), and drinks.
Then I added on some items: herring, chumus, olives, halva, banana chips, and two kinds of gummy candies. I also got 100 bags of bisli snacks for the kids. (I was told they usually get pekalach for the kids so that they don’t grab all the more expensive things. I don’t like to skimp on quantities and I bought plenty of everything so kids could also have as much as they wanted, but I still got the bags of bisli.) I got a ton of stuff.
The shul has policy that everything has to be store bought, or I would have made some fruit and veggie platters and some other things. It was good that I couldn’t do that because it kept me from adding any extra activities to my list at an already very busy time.
Total for kiddush: 1004 shekels. This included everything and I had lots of leftover cookies, rugelach and drinks, that I put out at the bar mitzva the next night. I had leftovers of everything else, too, even the herring, which usually gets totally finished!
As far as the bar mitzva seuda/party, I also had some last minute changes. I planned a very casual menu that included hot dogs, roast, french fries – things I thought this group of guests would enjoy more than the standard chicken/rice/green beans. But alas! When I bought the hot dogs, it was before I knew that the widely accepted kosher certification on this product (Kehillot, for those who are wondering) wasn’t used by the school.
It was the night before the party when I realized my error. I went to a number of stores, but none of them had hot dogs with the kosher supervision I needed. That’s because it was the week before Pesach and only kosher for Passover products were being sold, and this organization that gives the kosher certification (Eida Chareidis) doesn’t authorize things like hot dogs for the holiday.
Okay, so time to change the menu! Then one of my older boys objected when he heard my menu, telling me I wasn’t making enough food. I knew he was wrong but rather than argue, I just made more food. 🙂 It really wasn’t a big deal.
The menu ended up as follows:
- homemade rolls
- chummus
- olives, pickles
- Israeli salad
- brisket
- sliced chicken breast
- rice
- french fries
- green beans with red peppers and onions
- ice cream
- cupcakes, cookies
- (additional cookies and rugelach from kiddush)
Here’s the breakdown of costs for the seuda/party:
- Food and paper goods for the seuda: 1000 – 1200 shekels
- Wait staff – 630 shekels – I wasn’t sure if this was a good use of money but in the end was glad I hired this out since I was able to sit and let them make sure things got served with minimal involvement on my part.
- Music – 250 – my son had a friend he knew from when they were in high school who was very experienced but not yet officially ‘in the business’. He played the keyboard and was excellent; the music added tremendously to the atmosphere and the fun.
- Music equipment rental – 200 – there was someone who had a gemach for this; the price included delivery, set up in the beginning and break down at the end
- Photography – 0 – we hired someone to do a family photo right before the bar mitzva Shabbos but decided not to do photography for the party. We figured friends and family would probably take pictures and didn’t feel we needed more than that.
- Shul rental – this is one of the shuls we pay a monthly membership to; they don’t officially have a hall and getting the space ready for the bar mitzva was a lot of work. They didn’t ask us to pay anything. 200 shekels
Total for meal for 70 people (using higher food estimate): 2480 shekels.
I once again had lots of leftovers but no one minded since it was a few days before Pesach and it’s helpful to have food to eat when you’re scurrying around cleaning and turning your kitchen over.
So there you have it, 3484 shekels for a kiddush for 200 and meal for 70. Again, my focus isn’t on cutting costs to a minimum but I do try to be a good steward of what we have. I was pleased to that our son was very, very happy with his bar mitzva weekend, and I wasn’t stressed by the costs even though it was taking place at what is easily the most expensive week of the Jewish calendar.
So my suggestions are when making a celebration: think about what it means to you, what will feel good for you, what resources do you have to work with? And then, ask yourself what kind of things match that vision? Then execute accordingly.
Avivah
