Monthly Archives: April 2024

Helping kids regulate emotions -look at them with positive eyes

parenting, personal development

When the twins came eleven months ago, they had absolutely no ability to moderate themselves in any way.

Emotionally, if something upset them there was an immediate outburst. Dd6 went from beaming with happiness to throwing herself on the floor and screaming in an instant; there was no buildup or warning. Ds5 would rage and throw things or hit/kick someone or something. They lashed out or had an emotional outburst about anything that bothered them, which was most of the time. They verbally picked at one another and fought constantly.

The lack of regulation wasn’t only seen when they were upset. When they weren’t supervised, even for a moment or two, their expressions of impulsivity left me wondering, “What in the world were they thinking?”

There were endless instances – literally all day long, and I could never predict what they would do because there was nothing in their brains that told them to pause and consider the consequences. Their behavior was like a very young toddler but they had the physical capacity to get into things that a young child doesn’t have. I’ll give examples but these aren’t necessarily the worst or most difficult, just what comes to mind.

In the beginning I took them on an outing twice a day and would start each day by going somewhere with them. One morning I told them we were going to the park and they jumped with joy. Everyone was dressed, except ds6 didn’t yet have shoes on. Every night I put his shoes in the same place, and knowing he could easily find them, I told him to go put his shoes on. He went into his room, and emerged a few minutes later – without shoes and without a stitch of clothing on his body.

He pooped in the yard daily, no matter how many times I told him to use the bathroom. He even pooped in the pool – we emptied out all the water and I explained we were doing that because when he pooped in it, it made it dirty and we want the pool to be clean for them to swim in. I explained that a number of times that morning (he used to ask the same questions again and again and again). While we were refilling the pool, my husband agreed that they could stand in the pool. As I was sitting there watching them, ds pulled down his pants and began to poop in the pool!

Coloring/smearing poop on walls, making holes in walls/pool/trampoline net, cutting down fruit trees, breaking toys, ripping books, emptying full bottles of shampoo down the drain when they went to the bathroom – we had thousands of shekels of damage. It happened very quickly and within just a minute or two of not watching them. They took out anything from anywhere, no matter how high a shelf it was stored on. I could never guess what would happen next because there was no rhyme or reason that I could see. Whatever impulse came to mind is what they did. It wasn’t purposeful malice – there was simply no ‘stop/pause/consider’ process present in their brains.

While we’ve seen huge improvements in this area, the twins are both still impulsive. Just yesterday I went into their bathroom and saw a bath towel stuffed in the toilet. When I took it out, there was a cereal bowl and a crushed mini aluminum pan underneath. Why? Because someone in that moment felt like doing that.

The evening before, I called them in from play for dinner – “Everyone come inside and sit down at the table!” They came running in, bypassing the living room to go directly to dd’s room, climbed up the bunkbed where I had a short time before put a pile of clean laundry, and approximately ninety seconds after I told them to come in to eat, I went into their room and found them gleefully flinging the clean clothes all over the floor.

I can’t put into words the intensity of living with highly dysregulated children. It was physically and emotionally exhausting, and daily I felt challenged in a way that I hadn’t been stretched before. That’s one part of the unseen backdrop to the last eleven months.

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I’m rereading a great book called Dirt to Soil, by Gabe Brown; it’s a fascinating read about a man who completely shifted his way of thinking about farming from the conventional poison-the-dirt approach to a regenerative approach of healing the planet. He quotes a speaker at a conference who said something like, “If you want small changes, change what you do. If you want big changes, change the way you think.”

This statement deeply resonated with me because this is true of so many things, certainly parenting. When you shift the way you think about your children, you see significant qualitative changes. The way you think about what you see and interpret it is critical. If your bottom line belief is that your child is always doing the best he can and you view their misdeeds with compassion and even curiosity, you’re going to respond very differently than if you view them in a negative way.

I’ve talked before about the importance of moderating your own emotions, but I have to state it again because this is the most important thing you can do as a parent before any other response.

There are many times a child has done something annoying (see above and then imagine that every single day, throughout the day) and my first thought is to correct them. And often I do and that’s appropriate. But sometimes I pause and ask them – not demandingly, but with genuine interest – why did they do that? Sometimes there’s impulsiveness as described above, but sometimes it becomes clear the child has a good intention to do the right thing but the results look like a problem.

For example, I saw a large pile of things on the floor in the hallway – ie a big mess – and there was water all over the floor. I went into dd’s room to see what was happening. She told me she and ds11 were cleaning for Pesach – so they had taken a lot of things out from where they were supposed to be and swept them into a pile outside of her room, and now were washing the floor. If I were to get annoyed, think how badly the child would feel – it’s a terrible feeling to be trying to help and do something good, and then have someone be angry or disappointed with you. I was able to thank them and be appreciative, and then let them know what we do with items like those, and show them how to finish cleaning the floor.

Ds6 exhibits a lot of aggressive behavior when I pick him up from kindergarten; I’ve learned he needs time to decompress before he can interact appropriately with anyone. Sure enough, a short time after arriving home dd6 started screaming because he spoke to her in an unpleasant way. I looked at him and thought with compassion about how hard it is for him to be surrounded all day by kids who struggle with emotional regulation.

He was sitting on the couch looking defiant so I went to sit next to him. He glanced at me warily, knowing he just said something inappropriate. I looked at him kindly, put my arm around him and gave him a big side hug without saying anything else. His hostility instantly melted; he immediately looked at dd and said sincerely, “I’m sorry”. I wasn’t trying to get him to apologize. I wasn’t trying to get any result, other than for him to know he was seen and loved as he was in that moment.

That’s not my response in the majority of situations. Usually I would take his hand and look into his eyes and say, something like, “How do you think it makes dd feel when you speak to her in that way? Is there a different way you could tell her how you feel? What could you do now to make the situation right?” I use the incidents as an opportunity to replay the situation and model how to appropriately communicate.

When I’m feeling irritated and annoyed, nothing positive or helpful is going to come out of my mouth; at the best it will be neutral and that’s what I strive for in moments that I’m feeling out of sorts – and that’s an accomplishment when so many negative things could be said in a moment of frustration. However, I know that when I think about my child kindly, it instantly changes what I see and what I say to a higher level interaction, so I’m constantly striving to increase my compassionate view of our children.

Avivah

The chicks are hatching!

gardening, homemaking

I got home with dd 6from her therapy appointment on Friday and was greeted by the first chicks to have hatched – twenty cute little balls of cuteness.

My son decided in the summer that he wanted to sell his flock because he’s too busy to continue being involved in chicken care. I’ve gotten used to having chickens around and really like them, so we decided to buy his flock. Though we agreed that I would take over all the care and hatching of the chickens, that didn’t happen as intended – I do most of the chicken care but he and my fourteen year old have dealt with all of the incubation tasks.

Being transferred from the incubator to their new coop

My son built this incubator a couple of years ago using a small fridge someone gave away as the housing, then wired in all the electric elements that he purchased separately. It has the capacity to incubate a large number of eggs at a time and has served us well.

Here’s a rare look inside our incubator – my son doesn’t like to leave the door open more than an instant because he wants the temperature to stay constant so the eggs hatch and then once there are chicks, he doesn’t want them to get cold. So I usually only see the chicks once they’re out of the incubator.

Below you can see the different levels. The empty shells are from the chicks that hatched out; once they hatch he transfers them to the bottom floor so there’s no risk of them injuring a foot by getting it caught in the netting of the higher shelves. They stay there in the incubator for a day after hatching before being transferred to the outdoor cage that he built that has a heat lamp. When they’re old enough, they’ll be transferred to the coop with the adult chickens.

Here’s a chick starting to break through his shell
The newly hatched chicks still in the incubator, staying warm next to the heat light

It’s a lot of chicks but experience has shown that a large hatch rate doesn’t always equal a large survival rate. Last year seventy chicks were lifted out of their covered brooder pens in our yard by foxes over a two night period; we didn’t know that that was even a possibility and it wasn’t until neighbors who also lost chicks checked their security cameras and saw the foxes making repeated trips into their yard on the same night that we understood how our chicks disappeared. Then there’s the unavoidable chick who isn’t strong enough to survive. We’ve learned from experience and hopefully most of these will survive.

Avivah

Foster care – a really good meeting with dd6’s therapist

parenting

Sometimes I wonder how foster parents can work outside of the home. I have so many meetings that I simply wouldn’t be able to do all that is necessary if I weren’t home full-time. When I exclaimed over last week’s five meetings and this week’s four meetings to my husband, he asked me if it was more than I bargained for when we took the twins.

I thought as a foster parent for over six years when they came that I knew what was involved, but their situation is much more demanding than I anticipated. He asked me if I ever regretted agreeing for them to come to us. I told him that the hard parts are balanced out by the children’s progress being much better and faster than I expected. While I believe in the amazing power of connection in healing, I didn’t dream that we would see the gains we’ve seen in the time frame they’ve been with us. No, I don’t regret having them come even though their situation makes demands of me in ways I didn’t expect.

Two of last week’s meetings were with therapists for each of the twins.

Dd6 has weekly play therapy sessions; two weeks just her with her therapist, the next week I join her, the following week my husband joins her, then we both meet with the therapist the week after.

Her therapist doesn’t usually write reports but is making an exception for us due to the need for documentation that we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing. Before going over the report, she told us that while she doesn’t in any way condone the skepticism and hostility of the guardian ad litem, she understands the challenge the GAL is having in processing who we are and what we’ve done for the kids.

She said that in over twenty years she’s never met parents like us in her professional or social spheres. She detailed many things she’s seen us do and how we do them, and said she keeps asking herself how we can be real, how is it possible for parents to do all that we do.

Her feedback for my husband was that he does well with dd and while she can give him some tips, it’s not necessary. He’s glad for the opportunity to get some guidance because there are behaviors that are typical for foster children that are hard to navigate that make it unpleasant to be around them. The therapist said he doesn’t need lessons from her, that I understand how to interact with them, but there’s something nice about a neutral person being the presenter of information. (Prior to this meeting, when my husband came home from his first session with dd he commented it was striking to him that the therapist sounds just like me when she speaks to dd. Since this meeting, he’s consciously paying attention to the way I communicate with them.)

I found it fascinating to hear the interpretation of dd’s play as it relates to her inner world. She explained that children don’t talk about their feelings; what they do is transfer their feelings onto the items or toys they interact with and it’s by observing what they say and how they play that their inner feelings are revealed.

For example, for several weeks dd took paintbrushes from one container and transferred some of them to another container, each time explaining that the brushes are moving to a new house and are happy in their new house because it’s good for them there. The therapist explained this is an expression of dd’s feelings of being happy about moving to our home.

She also noted that when dd played with a mother hamster and her baby, she put them each in different containers, stating that it’s good for the parent and children to be in different houses (alluding to her bio parents).

I didn’t have this awareness before of what play can reveal and am now listening with a more attuned ear to the things that the children say when they play.

In her report she stated that overall dd’s emotional health is good. She is impressed with how far dd has come in such a short time (she said she wants to learn from me what I did), and attributes it to her having received therapeutic parenting around the clock from the beginning.

She also commented that dd6 feels very secure and trusting of me, and this is remarkable after such a short time (eleven months feels like a long time to me but the therapist said this is a very short time to see these results).

Something else she talked about is how highly effective an emotional regulator I am for dd. Sometimes I feel self-conscious that to a casual onlooker I might seem controlling or nitpicky with dd (and ds6 as well), when in fact she needs a lot of external help regulating herself. It’s a reassurance to know someone is seeing what I’m doing and recognizing how powerful and important it is, rather than thinking I’m too strict. I’m very consistent and clear with dd about boundaries of all sorts, all the time.

It’s nice to hear expert feedback like this. Someone recently asked me about foster care and I stressed that while your average child can tolerate sloppy parenting, foster children can’t. They need skilled and specific parenting that takes into account their trauma background. It’s not enough to be a nice and well-intended person. That person kind of dismissed my comments and I realize that what I do to untrained eyes doesn’t look much different than being a nice parent. This therapist was able to recognize many purposeful things that I do with dd that are helping to facilitate her emotional healing, and it was validating to have that recognized.

I’m hesitant to write the above since it might seem that I’m tooting my own horn, and for that reason didn’t share the full report as it regards to me. I’m extremely grateful and gratified that dd is doing so well and it’s wonderful to be able to to be part of the process. But what I’m doing isn’t magic that only the lucky few have access to. There are ways of effectively interacting with children that can be learned.

Avivah

Renovations for our goats

homemaking

Though there are a number of things on the list of projects I would like to have done, we’re prioritizing our goats right now.

We bought a new pen for them and were scheduled to pick it up from the seller the night of October 7. In light of the horrific attack on Israelis early that morning, the seller left for reserve duty that day, as did hundreds of thousands of others, and obviously our pen wasn’t a priority.

After several months he came home from the army long enough for us to arrange to pick it up. When we bought it, it was because I wanted to have a pen with a strong waterproof roof before the rainy weather began, but it was apparent we weren’t going to get the new pen before that happened. So my son built them a very solid roof over their old pen. Impressively solid, so much so that when my husband asked if we still wanted the pen when the seller finally returned, I hesitated since we no longer needed something with a good roof.

We decided to get the new pen anyway. Once it was home, it was time to dissemble the old pen.

New pen walls leaning to the side awaiting assembly while ds16 and ds14 begin taking apart the old pen
Doing work together is much more fun than working alone

The new pen would have been extremely quick and easy to put together if Iwe had assembled as it was intended; the four metal walls all linked into one another and it would have been a thirty minute project. However, thinking about it creatively, I realized we could double the space the goats had available if we configured the wall panels differently. It was a really good idea though it also was a lot more work, and now requires a new roof since the old one doesn’t fit anymore.

The new pen – awaiting a new roof and new hay feeder (hay is currently covered with tarp to the left for now)

I’m very happy with the new pen. The walls are less visually obstructive than the old pen and though the pen is much larger, it feels like it takes up less space. Because it’s larger, we put in two benches that allow us to sit and interact with the goats much more than before. Goats are friendly and enjoy when we spend time with them.

We were talking a couple of days ago about some potential renovation projects (a roof for the goat pen is at the top of the list) and one of my teens told me he doesn’t want to build anything else until we have a new impact driver/ power screwdriver. I didn’t realize the one we had was lost until he told me that, and agreed it’s a critical tool to have on hand. The right tool makes every job much easier.

As a frugal person, I try to stay away from low quality items. When I buy tools or anything else (furniture, appliances, cars), I look for good quality that will last, and though I try to find it at a good price, am willing to pay for quality. I bought a Bosch rechargeable drill and screwdriver set; my husband made a face when he heard I spent 1400 shekels on it (that was after the discount) but assuming it’s taken better care of than the last set I bought, it will last a long time and serve us well for a lot of projects to come.

When I got back from the hardware store I decided to be the first to use our new drill set. My children of all ages think I don’t know how to build or fix very much, but it’s not exactly true. I’m knowledgeable and I know how to do the tasks and instruct my family members, but other than a few exceptions, I don’t usually do the renovation work myself.

(If you’re thinking that doesn’t make sense, let me clarify how that’s possible. Before we do any renovation project, I research what is involved, watch videos on how to do it, make a list of supplies we need along with what the items are called in Hebrew. I buy all the supplies so everything is ready when it’s time to start working. I sum up all of the instructions for my husband and sons, then they do the work. But despite generally serving as the general contractor and delegating instead of getting my hands ‘dirty’, I also enjoy these activities.)

Back to the goats and upgrading their living arrangements. Our three goats are pregnant and a goat’s milk supply drops as their due date approaches. Though I forgot to note the date they were bred, last week my son showed me the small quantity of milk he got after milking and said it looked like colostrum so we’re not going to milk again until the babies are a month old. It would be very fun if they gave birth during Pesach when our married kids and grandchildren will be here, but I think it’s more likely to be four to five weeks from now (by mid May) when we have new baby goats!

It’s recommended that each goat has her own stall for when she gives birth. That’s what I decided to build.

I picket the goats in a grassy area four or five days of the week now that there are so many luscious weeds for them to enjoy. They love it and I enjoy sitting with them outside and watching how happy they are. While I’m there, I let them graze freely because they all stay close to me. When I have to go into the house, I picket two of the three; the third one is the lead goat and stays with the others without needing a leash. While they were grazing I worked on their stalls.

Mocha and Bambi
Mocha kicking up her heels
The area in the foreground is clear is thanks to our goats grazing; all of this will soon turn into brown prickly weeds so the more they eat, the better

Building with pallets is harder than with new lumber because there are so many variations in size but I had pallets stacked in the yard from when the boys took down the old pen so that’s what I used. What I made isn’t fancy but it will do the trick!

A stall for each goat

Within a short time, all of our chickens were making themselves comfortable in the new stalls.

Herbert, our alpha rooster relaxes with three hens

Whenever I see the chickens scratching around in the goat pen, I marvel at how the animals work together to improve the environment for everyone – when flies lay their eggs in the goat pen, the chickens come along and eat the larvae, which is high protein food for them and turns into high quality eggs for us. As the chickens clean the pen, they turn over the soil and create beautiful compost; I periodically heap this compost onto our garden beds. Underneath the ground where we can’t see what’s happening, the microbiome is teeming with beneficial bacteria that strengthen the overall environment. It’s a beautiful synergistic cycle that benefits the goats, chickens, people and world at large.

Speaking of chickens, we have eggs in the incubator and are expecting a huge batch to hatch before Shabbos. We have friends who agreed to sell us some turkey eggs, and we’re going to incubate some of them next.

The spring is a busy time!

Avivah

Confronting my son’s bullies

parenting

I shared in my last post the steps I took before Shabbos to set up a supportive framework to help address the bullying issue. The final step was his big brothers.

On Friday night, my twenty five year old son went into that shul with ds7 and ds11, and asked a kid if he was X. “No,” the boy exclaimed, and then asked, “Are you his father?
The principal already dealt with him. Are you here to hit him because of what he did? “

My son responded using the same language the boy used, “No, but I’m here to tell him he’s going to get hit if he hits this boy (ds11) again.”

“That boy has older brothers,” the boy told him.

“He (our eleven year old) also has older brothers,” my son said.

“But his older brothers are gangsters!” warned the boy. (Probably true.)

“His older brothers are even bigger gangsters!” my son said. (Definitely very far from it.)

That was Friday night. The next morning, my twenty five year old, eighteen year old, sixteen year old and fourteen year old went into that shul together to find the bullies. As soon as they walked in, all the younger boys in the shul started asking them if they were there to deal with X (last name of two of the boys who attacked my son).

My sons learned that the teenage brother of those kids was there, told him his brothers had attacked their younger brother and his younger brothers needed to apologize to our son.

“They aren’t here. But tell me where you live and they’ll come to your house to apologize,” he answered. Yeah, right.

The younger boys present in shul hastened to show them which boys were the ones they wanted – right in the same room. I was a little surprised when I heard about this afterwards that there’s so little loyalty to their friends.

One of my teens was itching to take these violent kids into the field and beat them for the things they’ve done to younger kids in our shul, not only his sibling. He’s watched things happen for the last four years that are reflective of deep systemic issues and he’s burning at the injustice.

These boys are really problematic kids and a strong physical response probably would have been best, though I warned all of my boys not to lay a hand on any of them, no matter how provocative they were. (That son told me afterward that as angry he was, he realized he wouldn’t be able to hurt a younger child who wasn’t actively at that moment doing something wrong.)

There are some in that community with a criminal history or mental health issues and my sons were aware they have to be careful not to paint a target on the back of our family and trigger older siblings/parents who could retaliate with a level of violence that goes beyond normal disagreements. Whatever they did, it had to be something that no one could find fault with.

They had a verbal exchange with the boys who hurt my son, who vigorously denied any wrongdoing. My son doing the talking persisted and told them they know they’re the ones behind the attacks. The older one protested (with a wounded angelic expression), “No, I never hurt anyone. Tell me the name of even one person that I hurt,” he challenged.

“XX,” my son told him. The boys were clearly taken aback that we knew the names of other kids they had attacked. When they refused to apologize, my boys went over the older sibling again.

They told them his younger brothers were right there (obviously he knew that and was lying previously), and said they needed to apologize right then. They did, though my eleven year old was so frightened to see his attackers speaking to him that he hid behind his older brother’s back when they apologized. They thought that was funny and were smirking until one of my teens asked them in a hostile tone if they thought that was amusing. It wiped the smile off very quickly.

A couple of adults came over to see why my sons were there, since their presence was unusual. One was a neighbor, and when he heard that a group of boys had jumped my son and attacked him, he told us that if anything ever happens again to our son, to tell his son (who is part of this peer group) that he needs to tell us who was involved (rather than stay silent and protect his friends).

Overall we were satisfied with the outcome. It wasn’t dramatic, but we did what we could and hopefully it will be helpful in preventing more children from being hurt.

On Sunday I was driving my (almost) eighteen year old to the bus stop to go back to yeshiva. We stopped to let someone cross at the crosswalk, who nodded his head in a friendly way to my son. My son ignored him. The young man did it again, more deliberately, and my son still didn’t move even a muscle in his face as he looked back at him. I asked why he wasn’t acknowledging him and he told me it was the older brother of the kids who hurt my son.

I told him even if he is convinced the older brother is a two faced liar and he can’t stand to look at him, it might be beneficial to be civil so they see us as people they don’t want to harass, rather than be seen as the enemy. We’re walking a fine line right now between trying to get the wrongs addressed and staying on good terms with the adults in that community.

Does this story end here?

My married daughter on Shabbos morning was walking to my house when she passed a younger boy walking in the opposite direction. She also saw kids who were hiding across the street start to come out towards him (presumably to attack him). She turned around to watch him so the bullies would know he wasn’t alone; simultaneously, four men came out of their shul towards the boys. She couldn’t tell if it was a coincidence of not, but I would like to think they all came out because members of their community are now (after the behind the scenes conversations and police involvement) cognizant of the need to keep an eye on what these kids are doing.

Is this something that will be sustainable long term? No. They need security cameras and a police presence for an extended period so that it’s clear to all that the protection of the children is a priority and is being taken seriously.

If at the very least these bullies understand they shouldn’t touch my son, there’s been some gain but I can’t know that yet. That would be a significant gain. At the same time, I want all the kids in the community to be safe, not just my own child.

Avivah