Last week I picked up dd6 from kindergarten, accompanied by ds6 and ds7. She happily hugged me, and they all ran to the car.

Predictably, the boys got to the car before her. Predictably, she began screaming because she wanted the middle seat. I empathized with her wanting to get the seat and the frustration of not having what she wanted. She got more upset and refused to get in the car, so I calmly picked her up and put her in the car, where she continued screaming.

As I turned on the ignition, I thought about a topic that often comes to mind – how to deal with children when they become dysregulated. All children become dysregulated at times, but since the twins are very quickly and easily dysregulated, this is something I get to practice a lot.

One Shabbos morning I was at shul and an older woman commented, looking at dd, “What sweetness!” This is someone I had previously discussed the fostering situation with, and I responded, “Yes, there’s a lot of sweetness when all her needs are being met, but when they’re not, it’s not so sweet.”

Five minutes later, dd asked me about having more treats and I told her she had already had her fill. (I talk to the kids beforehand about how much they can have; we always have the same guidelines.) She began crying and jumping up and down in protest. The woman said to me, “Oh, now I see what you mean.” I laughingly (and truthfully) replied, “Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet!”

When I respond to a child who is distressed or dysregulated, I integrate my six foundational principles of Leadership Parenting. I call them the Six Cs: calm, clarity, courage, compassion, connection and correction.

Firstly, slow down inside yourself to feel your calm. You can take a physical or mental deep breath to help with this.

You need to have clarity about what your intentions are in the interaction; when you feel this, it will come across to the child. In this case, I had established the boundaries of how many treats she could have, and I had clarity that this was the boundary I was going to maintain. I could also have chosen to be flexible on this and knowing I was willing to shift my position would have been my clarity.

Once you have clarity about what you want, you need to have courage to see it through. It’s easier in the short run to give in to a child and let them have or do what they want. Being willing to face your child’s displeasure and deal with his resulting acting out requires courage.

Before addressing any issue with a child, it’s important to feel compassionate towards him. If you’re frustrated and irritable, you’re not going to be effective in communicating.

All of this work is done inside of you before you say or do anything with a child. Now that you’re centered in yourself, you step into the active part of the interaction with your child.

When you guide your child, it’s important to first establish a connection. Look your child in the eye (eye level is very helpful for a child who is very out of sorts), and empathize with their frustration or disappointment. “That wafer looks so yummy and you really want to have more.” Wait for a response, and validate that response. “It’s really hard.”

This moves into the final step, correction. “When we come to shul, we have ‘x ‘many treat (establishing or reminding child of boundary). We’re not going to have any more treats now. Would you like to take the wafer home and save it for a different special time?” Or, “Come, hold my hand and we’re going to go outside together.”

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This is a typical scenario. But there are other ways that the steps can play out.

Every week we do an online grocery order and my husband goes on the designated day to pick it up. Sometimes he takes one of the children with him. This week he took two children. A third, upset he wasn’t going to go, spit on my husband and verbally became very expressive about his anger. Dr. Gordon Neufeld would call this being filled with ‘foul frustration’. I was inside the house so my husband carried him in to me and said, “Ds6 needs you.”

Next to where I was sitting were two towers built by one of the other children, one of Duplo and one of magnet tiles. He began taking the tiles off, one by one, and tossing them into the box. I thanked him for putting them away. He looked at me appraisingly, then knocked the entire tower over. He looked at me to see my response. I didn’t say anything, but stayed compassionate in myself for his disappointment. He knocked down the Duplo tower and looked at me daringly. I quietly looked at him.

In this case, without saying a word, I’ve used calm, clarity, courage, compassion and connection. It was clear to me what my boundaries were (clarity), and I was going to see that through (courage). I was calm and compassionate, and he could feel connection with me just from the way I looked at him.

He stood there for another minute and then sat down and began to build with the Duplo. After a minute, he gave me a brick and said, “Cake for you, my sweet mommy.” I thanked him and ‘nibbled’ on it. As he built and built and built, I could feel him getting quiet inside himself, without either of us speaking. He would periodically look up, checking to see that I was looking at him. And that was it. The correction happened as a natural outflow of our interaction.

Helping a child regulate doesn’t always require words. Sometimes words get in the way. It always requires your calm and compassionate presence.

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Soon dd6 came back from the shopping, happily carrying in two small packages of vegetables. Then there was nothing else for her to bring in so she began screaming.
She can switch from happy to upset, and upset to happy, literally on a dime. When she screams, it’s piercing, extended and usually accompanied by jumping up and down or throwing herself on the floor. My teen boys are amazed that a child can scream as much as she does.

By this time it was close to 6 pm. When it’s so late in the day and children are tired, you need to have a lot of patience because they are overextended. This can be a particular challenge because parents are also feeling overextended and tired by this time.

In this case, I brought her close to me and gave her a slow hug. Usually this helps her, but this time she so dysregulated that it hardly registered. If anything, she got more upset. When I hugged her, I felt that her clothing was damp from the splashing outdoors she had done just before they left, and realized she must be cold. I picked her up and took her to her room. I spoke to her minimally because everything was too much for her at that moment, but whatever I said was said in a low and soothing voice. I took off her wet clothes and put her in a snuggly pair of pajamas. This was all accompanied by her piercing screams and flailing around.

Just because you are helping a child and giving them what they need, it doesn’t mean they’re going to instantly calm down or cheer up. Not at all. In this case, dd6 was so overwound that she couldn’t calm down.

She stood in front of me while I finished zipping her up. Since I was sitting on her bed we were eye level, and I said, “Now you’re warm and dry, doesn’t that feel good?” This wasn’t said to elicit a response from her but to help her get recentered. Then I sat with her on my lap for a few minutes. She lay her head against my chest and when I felt her body relaxing, gave her a big hug before we went back to the kitchen to have dinner.

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How do you react when your child is melting down? What is hard for you in the moment that they’re having a hard time?

Avivah

Several weeks ago we had a massive amount of rain in a short time.

When the rain was beginning to come down, the kids wanted to play outside. With the quote “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing” in mind, I offered two of the children matching raincoats and rain pants, and gave the third a good raincoat. There wasn’t any lightning and knowing they had some rain protection, I was glad to let them enjoy what quickly turned into a downpour.

They all happily ran outside and enjoyed playing for a couple of hours, splashing and jumping and running and having a great time. They came in, changed into dry clothes (yes, they still got wet even wearing rain gear), and we had lunch.

The day went on and it poured, and poured, and poured. Our yard is next to agricultural fields that are on an incline, and because it’s chemically poisoned like all fields that grow conventional crops, the dirt is absent any soil health. One result is that it has very little ability to absorb water and with rainfall like this, there was a massive amount of water pouring off the fields.

Through adult eyes, the runoff that entered our yard looked like significant flooding. In the eyes of our children, it was a watery playground! They had SO much fun, lying on their stomachs and trying to swim, zooming through the water on riding toys and scooters, and getting soaked to the skin.

Since this experience, when it starts to rain their first response to rain is to run outside!

My daughter and her family were with us for Shabbos. Once again, there was lots of rain and our walkway flooded, though nothing as much as a few weeks ago. It was still enough for the kids to have a great time running around in the water, balancing on the boards we laid down so people can walk in without getting their shoes soaked, and making up new games to play together. They dubbed the flooded garden bed next to the entrance to our yard ‘the stream’, and went wading in it, bathing their dolls, filling buckets of water and throwing them on each other and finding other activities to do.

It’s invigorating and empowering for children to have opportunities to explore and create new experiences. My daughter commented that I have a lot of patience to allow the kids to play for as long and messily as they did. They’re doing something good for their bodies and minds, bonding with one another and building wonderful memories all at once. Seeing how exhilarating, energizing and engaging this is for them, the changes of clothing, resulting extra laundry and muddy floors are a small tradeoff.

Avivah

I recently went to a school meeting for ds7 and one of the attending therapists commented, “I don’t have to ask whose mother you are because ds7 looks so much like you!”

His teacher, knowing that he’s not my biological child, smiled and asked me in an undertone, “Should I tell them?” I shook my head no.

That’s not the first time that’s happened. When I went to the meeting for all mothers at the beginning of last year for ds7, his teacher was guessing who each mother was as they walked in. I was one of the first mothers to arrive and as I came in to the room, she said, “Let me guess…you’re (ds’s name) mother! He really resembles you.”

In that case, I did laugh and tell her that I’m not his biological parent, which shocked her. (I don’t walk around telling everyone but as his primary teacher, she needed to know.)

When the twins joined the family, my oldest daughter was the first of our married children to meet them. She commented to me that if someone had to guess who dd6’s twin brother was, she thought ds7 looked more like her than ds6, her actual twin. Interesting, right?

Though obviously the twins get their features from their parents, there are enough similarities to our family members that no one who doesn’t know would guess that our foster children weren’t born into the family. I think that ‘matching’ a foster/adoptive family is an extra benefit for a child who isn’t born into a family that helps him feel he belongs. It’s not easy to look visibly different from everyone else in your family, and in fact I’ve learned that this is a painful issue for many in the adoption world.

During Chanuka I took the kids to a local holiday event when a woman came over and asked me if I was a foster parent. I looked at her and her children, and immediately understood she was a foster parent. She told me we have the same social worker and had been keeping her eyes open hoping to meet me. How did she guess who I was?

She obviously put some clues together; she was the person that dd6 was going to be placed with initially so she knew about the twins.

How she definitely didn’t guess who I was, was based on the appearance of our children, whereas with one quick glance at her blond hair and her children of Ethiopian extraction, it was obvious she wasn’t their birth parent.

I don’t see having very different features as a bad thing, but it undisputedly takes away some of a child’s anonymity and privacy. They don’t get to choose who knows that they are in foster care/adopted. Everywhere they go, it’s obvious to everyone who looks at them.

I don’t want that extra attention on me, and I definitely don’t want that extra attention on them. I want them to be able to feel as fully as possible that they have a home and family where they belong, not to have attention drawn to their differences, and not to constantly be questioned as to their relationship to us.

Recently, ds6’s teacher called me to tell me he’s begun to tell his classmates and teachers that we’re his abba and imma (Hebrew for mother and father). Originally when talking to them he referred to us as his Mommy and Daddy; the Hebrew terms were reserved for his bio parents.

He’s also begun to call himself ‘(name) Werner’.

In the first six months whenever the topic of family belonging came up, I told him he’s part of the Werner family and also the ‘(his bio last name)’ family. But now I just let it be. I’ve said it enough and don’t have to continually remind him. He clearly sees himself as a Werner, and I’m glad he feels that he belongs here, because he does.

Obviously ‘matching’ an adoptive or foster family isn’t the most important criteria, but it’s definitely a nice plus!

Avivah

After two weeks of waiting, I finally got feedback on the foster care home visit that recently took place.

The tone of the entire meeting was one of negativity and even hostility towards me. Major positive changes in the children were dismissed with an exclusive focus on external details. I didn’t react to provocatively phrased questions, or to the insinuations that I was lying.

My social worker later told me it was upsetting to be present at the meeting and see how I was treated, but I didn’t take it personally. I trust this person is concerned about the welfare of the children; it’s critical that there to be oversight and supervision for foster children, even if the way it comes across to me is uncomfortable.

Since the meeting took place, I’ve tried not to guess what the reaction or resulting demands on me would be. But I did have some guesses about what kind of things I would hear, based on what elicited the most negativity.

I was so, so wrong.

Nothing that I guessed about was mentioned. Nothing.

During the visit I was asked many detailed questions about different aspects of raising the twins. Here are the criticisms of our foster care arrangements:

-The decor of dd’s room doesn’t feel enough like a girl’s bedroom. Dd’s linen is a floral set with lace edged pillowcases (pale yellow and light blue). When the war began we moved a second bunk bed in since her room is the safe room (in case of missile attacks we would need to have more children sleeping there), and I put matching light blue fitted sheets on each of the other bunks to protect the mattresses. It matches her set and looks nice. But it’s a fact that other than her sheet set the room is gender neutral.

I was told there should be more girls toys displayed. I don’t know if she didn’t notice the two dolls on dd’s bed and admittedly the doll strollers were outside, not in the room. She didn’t like that at the beginning of the meeting that all three children were playing with Duplo (a ‘boy’ toy). I would never have dreamed someone would have looked at that scene of three children playing nicely together in creative ways, and seen the color of the blocks as an issue.

-There isn’t a separate area in dd’s room for her to do projects, or a place on the wall for her projects to be displayed. She doesn’t have a ‘pina shekeita’, a quiet corner of her own.

In our home, bedrooms are mostly for sleeping, and sometimes for playing. But never for crafts. When I take out art supplies for the kids, I put them on the dining room table or outdoor table, and whoever is interested draws or creates there. We display projects on the fridge or sometimes the front door; no one has their own display area. Ironically, dd6 is the only child in the house who has her own room, and while she has a quiet place to play alone, she adamantly doesn’t want to be alone.

The social worker said that if I had a picture of a unicorn and rainbow on the wall the person who complained would have been happier. I laughed and told her dd’s backpack and lunch box are both pink and have unicorns and rainbows on them, she has plenty of pink clothes and feels very happy as the only girl in the family at this time. I don’t think she’s beleaguered by the lack of lavender sheets or pink magnet tiles, but I don’t have a problem with making her room more feminine.

I was concerned that the committee was once again going to impose something on my that would compromise my family, and this focus is a relief to me. While to me this feels like minutia I understand others have a different perspective on what is important. In any case, it’s all very easily remedied – I’ll spend a couple of hundred shekels on pink curtains and pink sheets, and maybe find a girly looking wall decoration. Voila. A suitable foster home for a little girl.

For someone who has an critical eye to find so little to complain about feels like a major accomplishment, and I’m pleased with the outcome.

Avivah

Last week we had a home visit with our social worker, the head of the foster care agency, and the guardian ad litem (court appointed legal representative for the twins – GAL).

It’s taken me until now to find a way to consistently feel neutral towards the GAL after this visit. I’ve repeatedly told myself she means well, but every time I think that to myself, the phrase ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’ pops into my mind.

Prior to her visit, I took time with myself to think about how I wanted to interact with her. I guessed she would be very detail oriented and more interested in facts than feelings. That proved to be very accurate.

My own intention was to communicate without allowing myself to be put on the defensive and not worry about what she thought of me, and that was also very appropriate.

I’ve written and rewritten this post, trying to describe a little bit of what it was like as cautiously as possible. My husband has said that since my blog can be publicly accessed, he doesn’t think I should say anything. As such, I’ve deleted all descriptions of what happened.

Overall the meeting went extremely well. I presumed good intentions on her part and stayed calm and composed throughout the entire visit. Dd6, ds6 and ds7 were all home and they couldn’t not have been more well-behaved or responded to her questions better than they did.

It’s not easy to do so much for these children, to see so many positive changes, and have everything peremptorily dismissed as not even worthy of comment. Perhaps it’s common for lawyers to speak to people outside of the courtroom as if they are a defendant on the witness stand, asking leading questions and badgering the witness.

The thing that is hardest for me about foster care is seeing that our children are pawns in a system that doesn’t make their well-being the most important concern. I keep reminding myself that Hashem sent this person to us and she’s doing exactly what she’s meant to do.
I have no way to overcome prejudices that someone else holds that have nothing to do with me.

The reason I didn’t want to write about this until now is because I’ve been searching to put this interaction into a positive perspective, to find a way to give the benefit of the doubt. I don’t like thinking negatively about people and I’ve been trying to feel compassion for this individual, but wasn’t succeeding at all.

Yesterday I spoke with the man who founded the speech method that I’ve recently begun studying. He mentioned that one definition of apraxia of speech is that it can’t be treated. What happens when someone develops a method which has helped hundreds of children who supposedly can’t talk, learn to speak?

Do they rush to his door and ask to learn what he did? Do they tell him how amazing it is that he did something they didn’t think is possible?

No. They stick to their conviction that it can’t be done, even in the face of evidence that shows otherwise. He said this is the natural reaction of the established system in every area.

This comment was like a thunderbolt to me. I had been asking Hashem to help me find a way to think positively about this person, and then I heard this. I realized she’s just reacting the way people in an established system react to something outside of their experience.

There was a lot of focus on the negative behaviors that were part of the past file of one of the children. She said she’s never seen negative behaviors like this dissipate so quickly like they did when the children came to us, and that she can’t see how it’s possible.

If the baseline assumption is that this kind of change can’t be possible because she hasn’t seen it before, then there are only two options: 1) to consider that there’s something to learn from this new outcome and explore how it happened – but there was absolutely no interest in what we did and how that might have positively impacted the children.

Option 2: to insist that it’s not possible and solicit confirmation for her initial decision to oppose placement with us as not being in the best interest of the children.

Thinking about this being a normal reaction to something unfamiliar and unexpected makes this so much easier for me to accept. I don’t want to see her as an enemy who is trying to make my life miserable

It’s also helped release the tension I was feeling trying to anticipate what demands she’s going to impose on me when the committee meets for a follow-up. Now I’ve been able to return to my initial feeling that whatever will be, will be, and trust everything will work out as it’s meant to.

Avivah

One of the things that I’ve been taking care of is figuring out ds6’s medical situation.

I’ll recap some of what I’ve shared previously to get current: He’s been taking thyroid medication since he was two. He has nothing on his medical file to indicate any blood work having ever been taken (it should be taken every three months), who gave this recommendation or why. When I had blood work done, the results were normal.

To confirm that the medication was appropriate for him, the endocrinologist wanted me to get a thyroid scan and uptake done at a hospital. This would verify what his thyroid function was. I submitted the paperwork to the hospital and was told they would call me to make the appointment. My first appointment was scheduled for September but the hospital called the number and address on record and it was the bio mom who was sent the verification and details. While I was waiting weeks and wondering when I was going to get an appointment, I had already missed the appointment for lack of knowing about it.

This week we finally got the scan done. This test entails having a liquid radiotracer injected into the arm, then staying perfectly still while lying on a machine (that looks like this), which slides him into a circular area. Then the top of the machine comes down on top to within a few inches of the face. I was thinking this was an intimidating test for even an adult, let alone a young child. I stood behind him to the side, and held his head for each of the four scans and sang to him while the pictures were taken. He had to stay perfectly still, not even a slight movement in any way was allowed. He was encouraged to move in between while the machine repositioned for the next scan. He was just amazing. Dd6 would have been hysterical if she had to be in this machine for even a half a minute.

I made an appointment immediately with our doctor for follow-up. She said everything looks good – his thyroid is working perfectly. Why has he been taking unnecessary medication for years? We’ll never know how it got onto his record but nothing about it makes sense. We’ll do one more blood test at the beginning of next week, then one more visit back with her to confirm all the tests are pointing to the same conclusion. Our next step was going to be to proceed to bone scans that were the next step to see why he’s small for his age, but she said that’s no longer necessary.

I asked her what will we be considering next as an explanation for why he’s so small for his age. She said that in his case it’s likely trauma that caused him to not develop at a typical rate.

Saying this, she said she wanted to check what his growth looked like since his last visit four months ago. She then measured his height and weight. “Four centimeters!” she proclaimed. “You’re doing great work. That’s stupendous!”

“What does that mean, that it’s stupendous? In what way, compared to what?”, I wanted to know.

She took out a growth curve chart and showed me: the growth for a typical child this age is 6.5 centimeters a year. She explained that a centimeter of growth a month is something you rarely see except during puberty. She said that this clearly indicates he is healing from the trauma that kept him from growing.

She gave me a very warm smile and said, “What you’re doing for him is amazing.”

Isn’t that crazy?! In the best way possible, of course!

I expect when I talk to a therapist, she’s going to see that he’s doing really well. But I didn’t walk into the endocrinologist’s office thinking I was going to hear about the quality of our parenting.

The follow-up report on the adjustment of the twins to our home has already been written and submitted, so our social worker won’t be able to add this. But whether it’s shared with the court or not, I am elated to see physical changes of this sort.

Avivah

I’m getting a lot of opportunities in a one week period to discuss how the twins were when they first arrived at our home 7.5 months ago, and it’s providing me with a lot of reflection.

First I had an hour long conversation with our social worker, who is preparing a report for the follow-up from the first committee meeting that took place the month after they were placed with us.

Last week I had a meeting with dd6’s kindergarten teacher, private teacher, and the head of special ed in the area. Though there are a couple of areas that they brought up that could use improvement, overall she is doing really well.

I’ll be meeting in the morning with my husband for the intake for the therapist for ds6, who will be starting movement therapy with him at his kindergarten once a week.

In a couple of days, our social worker will be coming for a visit with the guardian ad litem (kids’ court representative), who has been a proverbial thorn from before the placement took place. (I know she’s operating from what she feels to be in the best interest of the children, which she has until now has been convinced is not with us, because we’re charedi and because of where we live. This is why she opposed their placement here and advocated for them to instead be placed in separate adoptive homes.)

My social worker has been pushing her very much to meet us, because she thinks if she would know who we actually are, she would be able to move past the stigmas she’s operating under. I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. Since she’s a lawyer, I have a feeling we’ll be talking more about more nuts and bolts like wanting to see the beds the kids sleep in than their emotional state, but we’ll also be talking with her about how they were when they came and how they are now.

Yesterday my husband and I had an intake meeting with the child therapist for dd6. I got a really good feeling from her the moment we stepped into her therapy room – it was cozy, super child friendly, homey and authentic. A very good vibe, and I really enjoyed meeting her. (I have a lot of meetings for the twins because I have to, but my husband also said this was one that he also enjoyed.) She’s been doing this therapeutic work with children for 20 something years, is a parent of six, one of whom was adopted from foster care and one who is currently a foster child but in the process of being adopted. It’s a very nice and unexpected bonus that she has personal experience and perspective as a foster parent. Not only that, her foster child has the same guardian ad litem as the twins, so she understands the personality we’re dealing with.

I’m glad for dd6 that she’ll have a weekly opportunity to meet with this therapist. She seems fantastic! We spent the full hour going over dd’s history, and a little bit about our overall approach (there wasn’t enough time to go into detail about all the things we did and why). Usually she told me she has the session for the child together with the parent so she can give the parent guidance about how to support the child, but said in my case it won’t be necessary. She said we’ve done an amazing job and she doesn’t see why dd6 needs to come for therapy after all the work I’ve done with her. I explained that the court has determined it’s a prerequisite, and though I don’t think dd6 needs it, it can only benefit her.

She found it remarkable that in less than eight months dd and ds now have a good relationship, based on their history. When I corrected her and shared that four months after they came when they started school, I remember their teachers commenting on their beautiful relationship (“Oh, you can tell they’re twins by how close they are!” If only they knew…), she was shocked.

We’ve seen so many positive changes in the time that they’re with us, that describing them as they were and as they are now is describing very different behavior. I understand why it’s hard for someone with a legal background (guardian ad litem) to believe. Those with a psychology background understand why and how they could have grown so much but the speed is pretty remarkable to everyone, including me.

I attribute their tremendous emotional (and for ds – cognitive) growth in large part to them having spent three of the first four months of their placement with us at home full-time. Then after only a couple of week of school, there were over a month of holidays and then vacation due to the war, so it’s just in the last couple of months that they’ve been in kindergarten regularly. That has provided me with a lot of time with them, and them with me. (Obviously I’m not the only one in the house with them, but I’m the main caretaker.) It’s built a foundation of emotional security and trust for them that we couldn’t have built if they had been out of the house most of the day, for most of these months.

I’ve written before regarding my caution about parents depending on a weekly therapy to create a meaningful difference in a child. I was then writing about therapies like PT, OT, and speech. But I think the same thing is true with emotional therapy – once a week is great, but what happens the rest of the week? If you’re not actively following through on whatever the therapist is working on, the benefit is going to be much less than it could be.

While we aren’t officially labeled as a therapeutic foster home, in practice the kids have benefited from all day long ‘therapy’. Cognitive, sensory, language, constantly talking about emotions, how to deal with them, demonstrating, practicing – again and again and again.

We also have a number of physical aspects of our home – particularly our animals and outdoor space – that have been beneficial for them. When ds came, he spent long periods of time daily hugging and stroking our dog (suffocatingly so; our dog is very tolerant though I could tell he didn’t enjoy it). At least a few times a day he would say, “Right, Sheleg loves me and I love him?” I don’t know at what point I noticed that he didn’t do that anymore, but it was a very long time ago. Ds found a way to soothe himself in a healthy way and calm his anxieties that he could control from the very first day he was here, and gradually let go of that focus on our dog when he didn’t need it anymore.

As far as the outdoor space, it’s impossible for me to summarize the many benefits of hours of daily outdoor play for a child’s development. Books have been written about it.

Please don’t read this as me being self-congratulatory, because that’s not my intention. When we were told about the twins, it was a pretty intimidating description. My husband and I looked at each other and both of us wondered if this was going to be too much for us.

It has been a lot of work. While adding two young children clearly adds more physical work, the significant work was needing to stretch my patience and actively practice a higher level of self-awareness when interacting with them. Sometimes I felt very annoyed by things they did. I’ve worked hard to be kind and compassionate even when that wasn’t my natural reaction to what was happening in front of me. Prior to them coming I had a pretty high level of patience with my children and took most things in stride without being too bothered. I found myself tested in new ways when the twins came.

I struggled to find the balance between establishing and maintaining the super clear boundaries they needed, and feeling like a corrections officer. Different languages bring out different qualities in people, and when I speak Hebrew I feel like a tougher version of myself. Here I was speaking Hebrew with these children while needing to be extremely black and white about boundaries, and I often didn’t feel like my more relaxed self.

Changes happen slowly when you’re in the middle of things, and it was only recently that I realized it had been a long time since I felt very bothered by something they had done.

It’s very moving to see how well the twins have adjusted and are developing. It’s especially nice when people outside of our family validate that. While it hasn’t always been easy, I’m really glad they’re part of our family.

Avivah

I had a busy and wonderful Chanuka, and before jumping into sharing about other things going on, I want to share about the idea of less being more and how that applies to children. It’s a useful concept and though the winter holidays are a particularly appropriate time to integrate these ideas, you’ll find other opportunities throughout the year to apply this.

There is so much we want to give and do for our children, and typically Chanuka is a time of gifts and family activities. We buy gifts we’re excited to give them, and plan trips that we’re enthusiastic about. Often we’re bursting to give it all to them as soon as the holiday begins, because we can’t wait for them to have whatever it is we bought.

I strongly suggest holding back on your excitement and dialing it down, since all of the stuff, experiences and emotions can easily become overwhelming for young child. If we’re not careful, a child will get and experience so much that he won’t be able to process and appreciate most of it. Then you’ll have what looks like a spoiled, whiny child asking, “What else did you get me?” instead of enjoying what he was already given.

I consciously stretch out the Chanuka activities, foods and gifts so that our children can enjoy and appreciate all of it. I’m a strong believer that less is more, and jokingly have said on a number of occasions that I’m a fan of deprivation. Though parents give and give and give with the intent to make a child happy, often it does just the opposite.

Recognizing what you’re given and appreciating it is critical to being a happy and content person. Kids don’t feel appreciative when they are saturated with stuff. How we give doesn’t just affect if we get an excited “Thank you!”, but if our children are happier people in the long run.

Here’s how we structured our Chanuka activities this year:

In our family, we begin Chanuka with my husband and the older boys lighting their menorahs outside. After the blessings, we all sing together, swaying in unison side by side with our arms around the shoulder or waist of the person next to us. Then we go inside, and the younger children light their own menorahs. After they finish, we all sing more and dance together in a circle. That’s our foundational activity that is consistent for every single night of Chanuka.

First night – When Chanuka arrives, there’s a lot of anticipation that has built up. The kids have learned about it, talked about it and have their own ideas about what will happen.

This is so much newness to experience, that on that first night I don’t add anything else. No presents, no additional activities – I want to fix the specialness of the menorah lighting and being together in their minds without any other distractions.

Second night – this year the second night was Friday night. Since there’s so much to do in a short time to get the Shabbos candles and Chanuka menorahs lit on time, that’s all we did.

Third night – after candle lighting, we gave the youngest three children a gift of matching Chanuka pajamas. This doesn’t sound exciting? It doesn’t have to be exciting for kids to love it! They all wanted to dress in their pajamas right then – which they did – and pranced around showing everyone what they were wearing. Once Chanuka ended, every single one of them has continued to wear them every night.

Fourth night – before candlelighting, I took the kids to a Chanuka activity with bouncy slides, art activities and face painting.

Fifth night – I took the kids to a Chanukah play followed by a public menorah lighting where doughnuts were distributed. Then we went home for our family lighting.

The next morning, I took the kids to a huge outdoor park we had never been to in a city thirty minutes away. The zipline was a huge favorite.

Sixth night – the feature this night was a special Chanuka dinner with homemade latkes, applesauce, tuna quiche and doughnuts.

The next morning I took the younger four children with their scooters to a park at a kibbutz.

Seventh night – family lighting, family dinner with all the teenage boys at home with us, followed by game night for the older kids.

The next morning, I took the four younger children horseback riding (ds17 accompanied them one by one) and then to a trip to a local park.

Eighth night – chocolate coins for everyone, gifts for the youngest four children. We kept these low key and activity based – a bouncy ball kit for ds11, and stencil books for the youngest three, all activities we did together with them the next morning, which was the last day of Chanuka.

About gifts – I personally don’t wait until Chanuka to give gifts, so don’t think that this is the big present they wait for all year! Not at all. For example, last week we bought a balance bike for ds7, which we gave him for his birthday. But if it wasn’t his birthday now, he would have gotten it anyway. I don’t have to get my children presents when it’s their birthdays, and they don’t have to wait for presents for their birthdays.

This approach of low key giving and putting more focus on family time and experiences has served us well. Our children are appreciative of what they get; recently two of our teenagers even told me how lucky they feel to have such a good life.

Avivah

Can you believe seven months have passed since the twins joined our family?

Overall they are doing well. I’ve seen a lot of positive changes, and I also continue to see areas that will take more time and input to shift. Overall they are sweet children who need a lot – a lot – of time, connection and supervision. Sometimes I feel like they take up all the emotional air in the home and am specifically concerned about ds7 getting his needs met, since he is so easygoing and non-demanding. I try to pay extra attention to him and do things with him that they don’t get to do.

It was very positive and important for them and for us that they were home with us for three of the first four months. We saw a lot of emotional development; dd6 was about a three year old level and is now close to her actual age. Ds6 was at the level of a very young toddler when he came; possibly an eighteen month old but not more than a two year old. Now he’s more like a four year old. (These are just my own personal assessments, not anything official.) During that time we were able to learn their typical behaviors and see who they really were without the external stressors of school.

As soon as they began going to school, I saw both of them showing significant negative changes in their behavior. Dd6 would scream within minutes of picking her up from kindergarten and continued throughout the afternoon until she went to sleep. She was hitting her siblings constantly, jumping up and down while screaming and screeching about everything that wasn’t the way she wanted it (which was almost everything).

Not only was she emotionally extremely reactive, but she was screaming at me – something she had never done. I saw she had no inner brakes, no emotionally capacity to hold the attachment when she was away so many hours. Once she was dysregulated to this degree, there was no way to calm her down; she rejected any kind of touch or loving gesture. I was so glad that we knew how sweet and loving she could be because she really became intolerable for everyone to be around.

Ds6 also had behavior changes, but it showed up differently. Though they both have ADD/ADHD diagnoses (almost all foster/adoptees have this at this age), as soon as he went back to school I saw it very clearly. He literally was vibrating when I picked him up from school. He made lots of sounds with his mouth and his body was wired; he had so much pent up energy. He was unfocused and seemingly didn’t hear instructions or respond to it. He kicked and hit even his teenage siblings over no provocation.

Since all of this behavior change happened as soon as they went to school, it was clear to me that the school day was too long for them. When I kept them home, I didn’t see any of this. There could be tiredness or unhappiness, but that was easily addressed. Our social worker said they would get used to the school day and it would get better, but I didn’t agree. I thought that the demands of the school day were overwhelming their capacity to cope.

I spoke to our parenting counselor about my hesitation about sending them for the extended afternoon program (school ends at 2 but the extended program continues until 3:45). I had agreed to take the twins with the understanding they would be home from school around 5 pm and that I would have time to spend with ds11 and ds7 every day when the twins weren’t here – that was a critical consideration.

My dilemma was that if I didn’t send them for the extended program, I had no time with just the two boys. Even with twins in the extended program, I hardly had time with the boys because they would eat lunch when they got home, and then I had to leave for pickup soon after that. If I did send them for the extended program, they became increasingly unpleasant and difficult to be with, and that’s harder for everyone in the house.

The parenting counselor said there’s no right answer about that, and that her concern is that I’m supporting their needs in so many ways (she called me ‘a full therapeutic staff’) that she doesn’t want to see me burn out.

I experimented with taking them to school later and picking them up earlier to see what their inner set points for being away from home were. At the end of October I decided I would do the earlier pickup from school. However, I then learned that lunch is served only for the children who stay for the afternoon program. Having to cook lunch for them was an additional demand at a time that I had a lot of demands on me (by this time my mom was staying with us).

Additionally, when I picked up dd6 early, she threw herself crying and screaming on the floor of her kindergarten and became almost hysterical because she didn’t get to eat there. Food or perceived lack of it is very emotional for her and that was the point that made me decide to leave her at the afternoon program – so she could eat the food with her peers. I couldn’t go out for two different pickup times, so ds stayed longer as well.

Right now we’re still in process. It’s almost easier for me to have them at home than to send them to school because the after school behaviors take so much emotional energy to manage, and it’s never ideal to guide or direct children when you don’t have a working positive attachment with them. They love staying home with me and almost every day ask to stay home, which is interesting because in their past foster home, going to school was their highlight and what they never wanted to miss. (Threatening them that they wouldn’t be able to go to school was the best behavioral incentive she had.)

What has been very helpful for them is keeping them home one day a week (usually not on the same day but together with ds11 or ds7). The positive effects last beyond the day that they stay home. I’ve experimented with different pickup and drop off times to find the point that they can tolerate without disintegrating, and have been taking them to school later in the morning to shorten the time they’re away.

Dd6 has begun telling her teachers she doesn’t want to stay in the afternoon, that she wants to go home. This is a shift for her, because in the beginning she wanted to do what all the other girls were doing and stay for the full time. After Chanuka I intend to begin picking them up as soon as they finish eating, so they’ll only be staying a half hour or so longer. Every way that we can shorten the day for them makes a difference.

It’s also critical to brace myself emotionally before they come home so that I’m prepared for their behavior. When I’m expecting them to act in a pleasant manner, it’s never helpful because then I feel frustrated by the discrepancy between my expectations and the reality.

As Chanuka begins, I’ve already told their teachers they won’t be coming for the Chanuka camp next week, and they won’t be coming today even though officially school is still in session. Ds11 and ds7 will also be home. It’s a different kind of busy on the days they stay home; it takes much more time but everyone’s emotions are on a much more even keel.

Avivah