Avivah Werner

Category: Homemaking

  • Making the postpartum period easier

    I hope everyone is enjoying their Lag B’omer!  My husband took the kids to our shul bonfire last night; I stayed home with the youngest, who was sleeping, and finally was able to listen to three of the relaxation cds that I checked out on Friday.  Two of them were good and I’ll happily use them during labor, one I couldn’t listen to for more than a minute without feeling annoyed so that immediately went into the reject pile. 

    Today we went to a state park for a homeschooling get together.  It’s been six years since our last Lag B’omer homeschooling outing, since it kept falling on Sunday or Friday or other times that were inconvenient.  Finally this year the dates worked out, the weather was perfect, and we all had a great time.  It works out especially well since the last Weds. of the month, when we usually meet, will be erev Shavuos, so it’s like meeting now and making up for missing it then.  And a friend brought me two Jewish name books, so I’ve been looking through them this afternoon, looking at different spiritual connections between various names and this time of year.

    >>There is no group here that makes meals or otherwise helps out with the family after birth, and there are no other shomer Shabbos families with a wife in town either, so I do worry about putting all the work on my husband (and it will be around the end of the semester (he is a professor). I have had very easy births so far, but you never know.<<

    Some people are fortunate enough to have mothers who come and take care of everything for a week or even longer after birth, which is wonderful.  But most grandmothers are still working and can’t take the time off, and even if they can, after a week a mother still should be resting and taking it easy. 

    So you have to be your own support, which isn’t really hard to do if you plan ahead and don’t get emotional about the help you should have but don’t.  Seriously, feeling sorry for yourself is just not productive because it doesn’t move you forward, but lots of women get stuck in this head space.   So it’s worth mentioning that it’s good to avoid that. 🙂

    First of all, think about what kind of help you’ll need.  For most people, what comes to mind are the basic running the house kind of work that you’ll want to minimize as you give your body a chance to rest.  That usually means meals, laundry, and childcare. 

    Meals – I’ve been fortunate to have friends send meals for a week after birth, for dinner.  I’ve always felt this was a huge help because it’s one less thing to think about or to do, and the kids always find it to be a treat to enjoy someone else’s cooking!  But even when you’re not in this situation, you can make meals in advance for yourself and stock your freezer.  I did this from my very first pregnancy through no. 6 (I can’t remember exactly).  There are lots of one dish meals that are ideal for this; hearty soups can also be frozen.  If for the month before you give birth you double whatever you’re making for dinner each night and pop the extra into the freezer right away, you’ll fill your freezer with hardly any extra thought or effort.  Even when I just had one newborn and no other children to take care of, it was such a help to pull a pan out of the freezer early in the day, warm it up before dinner, and know that we’d have a nice meal to enjoy without any exertion on my part.  This becomes a lot more important when you have young children, since the more people depend on you to be fed, the more pressure there is when you’re not feeling up to it.  So that’s dinner.

    Going backwards in the day, you’ll need to take care of breakfast and lunch.  I’m a big believer in keeping things simple.  There are times in life to make more complicated meals, and there are times for hard boiled eggs and carrot sticks.  After birth is a time to just be concerned about basic nutrition, not any standard of impressive presentation!  For breakfasts, you can pull things you’ve baked in advance from the freezer, like muffins, quick breads, baked oatmeal, or you can make fast and simple breakfasts like oatmeal, polenta, or eggs.  Granola can be made in a large batch in advance, or you could use store bought cold cereal (because I don’t use cold cereals, it’s not the first thing I think of but it can be a good option) or instant hot cereal packs (like grits or cream of wheat). 

    Lunch – sandwiches, cottage cheese, tuna, veggie sticks.  Again, simple, simple, simple.  Serve whatever it is with a smile and everyone will be happy.  Even as easy as this can be, it takes mental space to think about what to put out.  So I’d suggest before birth making a menu for the first month postpartum, writing down what you’ll have for each meal.  This can be posted on the fridge, and will make it easier for you to make sure everyone is fed, and make it easier for your husband to do the shopping for whatever it is you’ll need.  You can use this same meal schedule for the next month, if you feel that will be helpful to you at that time. 

    Child care – this is the hardest thing to delegate.  If you have the possibility of hiring someone to come in for an hour or two a day, that will give you time to rest.  I remember when I had my third that just being able to take a nap for an hour in the afternoon was a big help – this was the main thing I remember my mother in law doing for me when she came to visit after that birth – watching the kids while I took a nap later in the day.  Often you can find a homeschooled teen who is home during the day, or even a 10 or 12 year old can be a big help in entertaining the kids.  You’ll be home so it’s not like you need a babysitter as much as a mother’s helper, and younger kids are great for that. 

    But often that’s not possible, financially or because you can’t find anyone!  When you’re the one who is supervising the kids, stay seated as much as possible.  A lot of the time we get up and feel like we have to do something but many of those things can just as easily be dealt with from the couch.  🙂  You can have your older kids (even age 4- 5 and up) bring you diapers and the baby or toddler when they need changing.  (My 4.5 year old was already changing her baby brother’s wet diapers by herself by the time he was 6 months old, but that was initiative she took; I wouldn’t have thought of asking her to do it!)    Your kids can help each other instead of turning to you for everything (an older one can play with a younger, bring them a toy, etc), and when you explain that mommy needs to rest they can share in the good feeling that they’re able to help you recuperate.  Kids love to be helpful.

    Laundry – With a washer and dryer, this shouldn’t be a big physical effort.  But the less you do after birth, the faster you’ll recuperate.  If you can, ask your husband to do this when he gets home – popping a load in right before dinner, and then another right after dinner can keep things moving along very nicely.  If he’s not available for this, then at least have someone else bring the dirty laundry to the machine and take the clean laundry to where it needs to go.   You can have your kids put the actual dirty laundry in the machine for you, and then put the clean wet laundry in the dryer, so that you’re not exerting yourself.

    My midwife’s instructions are no driving anywhere for two weeks, not even as a passenger.  It’s not that riding in a car is so strenous that she says this.  I think it’s more that once we get into the car, we have a tendency to think that we can and should be taking care of things.  Don’t be a martyr, and don’t try to prove how capable you are, that you’re back to normal so quickly after having a baby.  The more you rest after birth, the sooner you’ll get back to yourself.  Being pregnant and giving birth takes a lot out of your body, and even if you feel great, your body deserves some healing time.  The postpartum period is the time to nurture yourself as much as you possibly can, to drop down to the most basic standards, and to put yourself first without feeling guilty for it.  Anyway, it’s not like you’re sitting around eating bon bons after giving birth – you’re still working hard, taking care of a newborn with all that entails.  You’ve earned a break after doing all you’ve done for nine months, plus what you’re doing with a new baby, don’t you think?!?  If that doesn’t earn you a break, I don’t know what will!  Emotionally, you’ll also benefit by taking care of yourself, as you’ll be less likely to suffer from postpartum depression. 

    If someone offers to help, take them up on it.  It’s not easy to ask a visitor to wash your sink full of dishes, put a load of laundry in the machine, or take your kids to the park for an hour, but I think most people who care enough to visit you or call to ask about your well being really want to help and would be happy to do something concrete if they can. 

    Avivah

  • It’s a beautiful world!

    Since I was on the phone for hours yesterday making arrangements for the Torah homeschooling conference I’m organizing, I especially wanted to be present for my kids today and NOT be on the phone or computer.  So lest any of you think that a day without me posting means that I had a baby, I wanted to quickly pop in and let you know that I didn’t. 🙂

    But now that I’m here, I’ll share some of what I was thinking about this morning.  Have you ever stopped to think about what a beautiful world we live in?  Not because anything is extra special about today, but just because every day is so beautiful?  That’s what I was thinking about.  We are so lucky to have all that we have.  It’s so easy to be so busy that we are more focused on what we need to accomplish than on being present in the moment and enjoying living life. 

    I feel like this week past my due date has been a wonderful gift, since I’ve used the opportunity to become more mentally relaxed and emotionally present for myself and my family.  I’ve still gotten a lot done, but I haven’t had the sense of pressure that something needs to be done that I sometimes feel.  If I’ve wanted to do it, I’ve done it, without any unnecessary emotion about it.  There are some things that I haven’t felt were important enough to do that I usually do, but that’s been fine, too.  It’s a good headspace to be in – and it’s not because I don’t have anything to do, because I have as much to do as always, and not because my life is stress free, because it’s not (spent yesterday afternoon at the dentist with ds10, seeing about getting his newly chipped tooth repaired – it was broken when a friend accidentally smashed him in the mouth with a water gun and now he’s snaggle toothed :)).  It’s easy to forget how we’re the ones who choose our mood and how our day goes, but the reality is, we’re the only ones who can control our daily experience. 

    Today I picked up some relaxation music cds from the library for using in labor.  I wish I could listen to them and decide which is most appropriate labor music, but I’m thinking that any of them will be enjoyable.  Maybe on Lag B’omer I’ll have the chance depending what does or doesn’t develop between then. 🙂  I really enjoy peaceful and relaxing new age type music, though I don’t listen to it often, since my kids have their preferences, too, and while they like this, they wouldn’t choose it.  I’ve enjoyed listening to Yanni since high school, but his music isn’t good for labor – some of the pieces too much tempo and you don’t want music building up when contractions are building up.  I don’t know anything about any of the cds I got today – if it said something about relaxation, serenity, or peacefulness on it, I took it. 🙂

    Then I got to spend some time in the kosher supermarket, a fun place to be on Friday afternoon. 🙂  Seriously, even shopping on erev Shabbos can be enjoyable if you’re not feeling rushed.  And if you’re lucky enough to too run into a friend while shopping like I did, it’s even nicer!  Then someone else I hardly knew came up to me and told me she had been trying to call me about something, so I was able to have a nice chat with her and have one less call to return to boot! 

    While I spent that time out, my kids were countersinking the nail holes in our new door frame (this time it was dd8 and ds10 who were helping out), and then filling the holes with putty so that they can be painted over.  I love how my husband gets the kids involved in working with him; it’s enjoyable for all of them to be working together on something.  My husband did some more finishing touches, so it’s really almost done – maybe he’ll even paint the frame today.  I know he’d like to be finished with it. 

    Right now the house is filled with the yummy smell of cinnamon – we’re trying an experiment for a Shabbos snack.  We sliced up peeled summer squash thinly, sprinkled the slices with cinnamon and sucanat, and put it into the dehydrator.  They aren’t yet finished, but they should be done in time for Shabbos.  I think they’ll be really tasty.

    Anyway, those are some of my thoughts and some of what’s happening around here today.  I hope you all have a wonderful Shabbos!

    Avivah

  • Today’s shopping and outing

    I have had a long and exhausing day, and I am totally wiped out!  (It doesn’t help that I had a terrible night’s sleep last night – which came from trying to go to bed earlier than usual and tossing and turning all night long.)  My day started with a 7 am visit with my midwife.  I really appreciate that she does home visits; it simplifies my life so much.  I asked her about her thoughts on group B strep and will try to share her response when I’m not so tired, but basically she’s not concerned that it’s an issue for me.  She also was able to tell me that the baby is no longer in a posterior position, which is nice to know since though babies come in all different ways, generally a posterior labor tends to be harder and longer.   

    Then I did my monthly shopping – I haven’t been for 7 weeks, and I’m so glad to now be stocked up before giving birth.  My wonderful dh rearranged his work schedule so he could come with me – he knew I was a little apprehensive about being so far from home with the kids so close to my due date, and it gave me a lot of peace of mind that he was there just in case (and you know how once you’re prepared for a situation, then what you were prepared for never ends up happening? :)). This was the first time that my dh has ever gone with us, though I’ve been doing bulk shopping like this for a very long time now, and I appreciated that he got a sense of what’s involved in doing this.   

    I keep passing personal mental milestones – first was getting past the three weeks early mark when the last baby was born, then 2 weeks from another baby, then today was 10 days (yet another baby) – and I’ve gotten through all of the guests that I invited for yom tov and Shabbos and just have to make it to a couple of bar mitzvas (or at least the one tomorrow night), and then I’m home free.  🙂  At this point I actually think I could make it to my due date or even past it, something I could only hope for a few weeks ago!  Tonight someone called about coming for dinner Friday night, and as much as I hated to say no, I really want to be able to relax and not worry about if I go into labor or not.  I’m not in a rush one way or another – as one of my kids who has been very excited about a new baby said to me yesterday, ‘when it was further away it was harder to wait, but now that we’re so close to the due date, you know it will be sometime soon so it doesn’t matter so much if the baby is born this week or next’. 

    We had a really nice day – lots of food shopping, which isn’t majorly exciting, but my kids are pretty unspoiled and I generally get them some kind of treat while they’re out (today I said they could each spend .50 on whatever they wanted – big spender, aren’t I?  lol – but it goes far enough in discount grocery stores for them to enjoy it).  On the way home we stopped at a living history museum.  We didn’t spend long there because it was so close to closing time, but it was enough time for everyone to run around for a while, feed some horses, climb around the playground – maybe an hour or so.  My two littlest ones stayed with their grandparents, which was a nice break for the rest of us (my 19 month old literally doesn’t stop moving from one thing to another all day long, and constantly needs to be watched – he takes a tremendous amount of energy to keep up with).  But absence makes the heart grow fonder, and after a few hours away, they were both cuter to us all then ever! 

    Tomorrow we’ll hopefully get the bulk foods put away in their places and then we’ll be set.  My kids are hoping that I’ll take them to a park, and if they can get their academic work done and finish up with the unpacking before the day gets too late, then I’ll be happy to do that!

    Avivah

  • Organizing the garage

    Friday ended up being a day with a lot accomplished, but none of it what I was originally planning!  I wanted to get a bunch of gardening related stuff done, but realized my dh was feeling a bit swamped by all the home repair type projects waiting for his attention.  So I thought that I’d try to give him a bit of a boost by applying myself and the kids to his list. 

    I did get ds10 to mow the yard, which was the only thing on my list done.  But the garage is such a disorganized disaster that getting it out of there was a big deal.  (Organizing the garage was on dh’s list.)  Ds15 took a lot of initiative in getting it into shape – there was a huge pile on the yard where he pulled everything out so that there was room to move and rearrange things.  Then he did something I suggested almost three years ago when we moved in – he built supports that use the space above.  Now all the sukka boards and schach are up there, and that freed up lots of space below.  I enjoy finding ways to use ‘dead’ space effectively!

    I was shocked at what a disaster the garage was – it’s not my jurisdiction, and I very rarely go in.  I send kids to get things from there or put things in, but it’s been over six months since I set foot in it myself.  It was definitely a good thing that I didn’t know how bad it was.  So hopefully now finding tools and supplies will be much easier than it has been for quite a while.  Just in time for the summer, which is when you need things from the garage the most!

    I spent a couple of hours out there organizing, but when dh came out to the garage and joined ds15 and his younger siblings who were enjoying helping out (ds10, dd8, ds6), I headed inside for a nap.  I was pretty wiped out.  My dh’s sister came to visit an hour before Shabbos with her two daughters, which wasn’t exactly the most convenient time, but I slept through their visit.  (Being in the middle of the ninth month is a good excuse because no one can be insulted by that. :))  Everyone else made themselves available to chat with them, though, except for ds15, who was hard at work until the last minute.

    It was so nice to be able to get this done and I was very appreciative to my dd14 and dd12 for handling everything related to Shabbos preparations.  Most of the food was in the freezer, which simplified things, but you know how there’s always plenty to do except for that! 

    Avivah

  • Turning over from Pesach

    Well, the Pesach things are packed and the boxes are waiting to be put into the garage (need daylight for that!), and the kitchen is basically back to normal.  Actually, I think it always looks better than normal right after we turn over, since every surface is so clean and clear!

    I was visiting a friend at the end of yom tov, and we got to see their family kick into high gear as soon as yom tov ended.  I enjoyed seeing her husband and his three visiting adult brothers go into action – wow!  They really were some team.  They said they grew up doing it, so now it’s automatic for them.  I told my kids to watch them and get some inspiration since they made it look fun, but as my kids watched how fast everything was getting done, a couple of them said it was kind of discouraging because it wouldn’t be like that in our house.  I commented to my friend about this, and she said they do something special at the end of it all that everyone looks forward to.  We do that when we turn the kitchen over for Pesach, but not when we turn it back over for chometz, and I thought that was a great idea.

    My kids did a great job working together – everyone over the age of 6 stayed up (the 6 and 8 year olds by request, the ten year old because I told him he had to :)) to help.  My main job was reading to the three year old and putting him to sleep, then supervising everyone and making notes to include on the boxes for next year.  (I did more later on when the kids had finished their work.)  My dh was able to help out for a while before he had to go to sleep – he has to leave for work very early in the morning, and wouldn’t have gotten a decent amount of sleep even if he hadn’t helped out, so I really appreciate him taking time he didn’t have to pitch in.  Right before he went to sleep, he got a call from my friend, informing him that she ordered pizza for us and the pizzas were on the way!

    Wasn’t that amazingly sweet of her to think of us!  I’m sure she was thinking it would be something nice for my kids at the end of the night, and it was.  There was some time between when I told my kids about the call and when the pizza arrived (apparently there was a very long line at the pizza store), and boy, did that give them all a second wind to keep going!  They really enjoyed it, and though the night ended very late for everyone (they went to sleep about a half hour ago, and it’s 2 am now), it ended with a good feeling from everyone.

    I’m so glad that we have a decent amount of food in the freezer to make tomorrow a more relaxed day, especially since we have guests coming for Shabbos lunch.  It could too easily feel like non stop cooking and preparing if we didn’t have so much done.  I also have a bunch of things I want to accomplish outside of the kitchen (mostly related to preparing the garden and cleaning up the yard) but I have to see how everyone is doing in the morning, since I don’t want anyone to feel overloaded.  I’ve told them all to sleep in as late as they want, but my ds10 and ds15 are unlikely to, as they go to minyan together every morning, and haven’t missed a morning in six months, regardless of what kind of weather they’ve had to walk in!  So the two of them will end up needing naps when they get home, I think!

    Wishing everyone a day of serenity and positivity!

    Avivah

  • Why do you have guests?

    I hope that you all had a wonderful Shabbos!  Here it was beautifully sunny and warm, and just waking up to sun shining in the window is enough to get my day off to a great start. 🙂

    Today we did something we haven’t done for quite some time – we had two families for Shabbos lunch.  We’ve had periods of having a table full of unrelated guests, which has its own appeal, but we’ve decided in the past that it’s not the way we most enjoy hosting.  At this point in our lives, we prefer to have just one family at a time or one to three singles, so we have time to better get to know them.  But both of these families are small, knew each other, and this was the only week before Pesach that worked out for each of them.  So because at the point I invited them I wasn’t inviting anyone past this Shabbos (from here on I’m going on a week by week basis, in case I give birth early again), I thought it would be good to have them both rather than not be able to have one of them for a number of weeks.  

    It was a mistake.  It was a nice meal – a very nice meal, actually – but doing this was a good reminder of why I prefer to have one family at a time.  My ds10 really liked it, and said how interesting the meal was (“there wasn’t one minute with no one talking!”), but I found the non stop conversations and cross conversations unrelaxing.  Today, I didn’t have the usual warm feeling I usually have when we say good bye to our guests, even though nothing could have gone more smoothly.  It’s strange to spend three hours with people and not feel much more connected to them when they leave than when they came, but that’s how it was.  They were all great people, but the conversation jumped so fast from one thing to another that there wasn’t really time to discuss anything  – a couple of comments on one thing, and boom – off someone went on a different tangent.  I like stimulating discussion, but at this speed, nothing got to the point of being stimulating! 

    I think a lot of this depends on who you are and who your guests are, and there are plenty of families we could have had together and not been left with this feeling.  Today it was almost like a competition to try to get a word in!  I was thinking that though I very much enjoy having company, I don’t enjoy ‘entertaining’, which is what lunch today was about; I find it draining, shallow, and superficial.  (To clarify, I’m not referring to having the needy over; rather to people we invite to better get to know them.)  To me, it’s the connecting and fellowship with others that makes it worth my time and effort to open my home.  Without that, I feel like I’ve just been a vehicle for people to enjoy a free meal. 

    We tend to assume that everyone invites guests for the same reason, for the mitzva.  But it’s really not true.  Inside, we all have different motivations and goals, and like with everything, the more we’re in touch with what our needs and abilities are, the more productively we can use our energies.  This has been a good opportunity for me to mentally clarify my goals in hosting guests, and clarity will serve me well in the future when I invite people over!

    Avivah 

  • Quick and easy banana ice cream

    Today we were given a case of peeled frozen bananas from someone who needed the space in their freezer.  With my handy dandy dehydrator, I can now deal pretty efficiently with what in the past would have been way too much produce for me to deal with, short of feeding it to my kids nonstop!

    My ds15 is the one who usually makes the fruit leather, so I asked him before I accepted the bananas if I should say yes or not.  I didn’t want him to feel overwhelmed by the sudden onslaught of ripe bananas needing to be processed, especially this week, since I want to get the kitchen cleaned and all cooking that isn’t necessary out of the way.  He willingly agreed, so off we went to pick them up. 

    He’s found that the most efficient way to make fruit leather is to throw the fruit into the food processor or blender.  So he started blending the first batch, and then added a little bit of fruit juice concentrate.  Before he even tasted it, he told me it looked like ice cream – it was light and fluffy.  He let everyone taste it, and the response of two of my kids showed me that: a) it was really good and b) they needed to take an immediate nap (because they liked it so much they started complaining and being sad when they had to wait for more.) 

    The first batch was finished off within minutes of him making it – it never made it anywhere near the dehydrator trays.  🙂  And we decided to keep the bananas in the freezer to use for shakes and ice cream instead of dehydrating it.  It’s a quick and healthy treat that everyone enjoyed and I know that they’ll continue to enjoy.  And it’s always good to have yet another way to deal with ripe bananas.

    So here’s the very unofficial recipe – take a bunch of frozen bananas (they have to be frozen – fresh bananas will have a different consistency), and blend them up.  Add concentrate – he estimated that the ratio of bananas to concentrate was 10:1 (about ten bananas and half a can of concentrate).  But the easiest thing is probably to taste it and add a little more or a little less, according to your preferences.  Serve immediately.  (If you make this in advance and freeze it, let me know how it works to do that.)

    Avivah

  • Feeling pressured? Go slower.

    I was thinking today what a beautiful time of year this is.  Don’t you think so?  But it seems that because Pesach is around the corner, it’s easy to forget what a special time it is.  It’s so easy to focus on all the cleaning, endless lists of details, with a resulting feeling of time pressure.  That’s really a shame because it’s nice when everyone feels positive anticipation regarding Pesach instead of dread about all that has to be done.  As I’ve said already, it helps me to make a schedule that is relaxed.  But even a relaxed schedule can be a source of pressure if you feel you’re not keeping up with what you want to do. 

    Yesterday I became aware that though my basement was cleaned for Pesach, it needed to be re-organized in order to look as though it had been cleaned.  My kids are great cleaners, but I’m the organizer.  And if I want it done, I have to do it myself or be there to direct them where to put what.  I can’t really expect them to intuit what I want put where – if all the games are on the shelf, they don’t care if all the same size boxes are stacked on top of one another or if they’re haphazardly stacked with small and larger boxes mixed up.  Anyway – my plan for today was to start the main floor, and the basement is very clearly not the main floor!  I had about five minutes where I was deciding if I should feel bothered that it wasn’t done and go ahead with my schedule or just let go of my expectation for the day and make the basement more orderly.  I find when I’m feeling pressure, the best thing to do is go slower.  When I go faster, it makes me feel more tense or pressured, but slowing down my external activity allows my mind to slow down and think productively. 

    So I chose to start doing whatever I could, and to do it as long as I felt I could.  It was so relaxing, once I let go of accepting having a different plan for the day.  I enjoy putting things in order and knowing that things are all in their place.  Since most of the kids were busy with various activities outside of the house, there were only four kids home with me, and I put the youngest in for a nap because he wasn’t enhancing my sense of inner quiet.  🙂  (A young child in nonstop motion who climbs into and pulls out everything all day long can do that, you know!)   I can’t say there’s much I did today that needed to be done for Pesach – I’m the first to say that you have to differentiate between spring cleaning and Pesach cleaning – but I found it productive and enjoyable.  It could have gone faster but I was enjoying the mellow pace, and actually, I’m not physically at the point in pregnancy where I can go very fast and not pay the price. 

    It may be counter intuitive to slow down when you have more to do than you feel you can do, but I’ve always found it helpful to me.  Somehow, everything that needs to get done, gets done.  Maybe not everything you want to have done happens, but everything that needs to get done, does.  Going slower when everything inside of you is going into overdrive allows you to re-center yourself and refocus on what is most important.  I tend to do things quickly and I know from first hand experience that it’s not hard to shift from productively busy to frenetic and stressed if you aren’t careful.   Deliberate action really helps me to be deliberate in my thinking.  And it’s that inner calm that helps me keep in mind what my goal for Pesach is.  That goal isn’t a sparkling house, though it’s a nice thing to have and I like when that happens, too!  My true goal is for all of us to enjoy this time of year, to look forward to Pesach, and to have time for spiritual preparation as well as physical preparation.  I like to go into the seder well rested and calm, and I want everyone in my family to feel that, too.  That can’t happen if I get caught up in obsessing over all that needs to be done, and how much faster or better someone else is doing it. 

    So the next time you start to feel anxious or pressured, try this.  Take a deep breath (or three), and then slow down. 

    Avivah

  • Raspberry bushes and other purchases

    It’s funny, I can go a long time and not buy anything extraneous, and then in one day buy a number of items.  This afternoon, my ds10 and dd8 accompanied me to make some Craig’s List purchases.  (I try not to do errands in the morning, because that’s our homeschooling time and it throws off our routine when I go out before their work is done.)   Usually it’s hard to coordinate private sellers efficiently, but today it worked out beautifully. 

    We started off by heading off to buy some raspberry and blackberry plants – a man who has a large garden dug up a bunch of the roots since his plants had spread so much and were getting overcrowded.  He told us that usually he throws them away, but this year it occurred to him that someone on CL might be interested.  He was very surprised at the response, which was much higher than he anticipated.  He had a beautiful garden – huge, well organized, the kind of place where you take one look and it’s clear he really knows what he’s doing.  I seriously would have wanted to take a picture of it home with me to study all the things he did.  We were all very impressed. 🙂  We bought five raspberry plants and five blackberry plants.  He threw in an extra raspberry and two extra blackberry, so for $20 we got quite a bargain!  (Each of the blackberry plants I ordered online a couple of weeks ago were $10.)  He asked the kids why they weren’t in school and I told him that they’re homeschooled, and this is part of their education.  And I mean it!

    Then we headed to the next private seller, and bought 2 garden shovels (we have only one shovel and that’s simply not adequate for a family our size!), one snow shovel (ds10 broke ours when he was shovelling for others this winter, and wanted to buy one for himself), and a couple of large empty propane canisters (for camping). 

    Directly from there, we went to yet another seller, the most trusting I’ve ever dealt with on CL.  He was selling two hardly used propane camping stoves (two burners each, $30 for both), and told me he’d leave them on his front porch and I could leave the money under the mat when I picked them up.  The kids wanted to get them from the porch, so I handed one the envelope with money and asked them to knock just in case someone was home.  It turned out his wife was there, and I was glad to be able to directly pay them instead of leaving it in an unsecured place.  I wouldn’t have wanted anything to happen to the envelope I left and then it would seem like I hadn’t left the money as agreed.  These camp stoves will be handy for our yearly family camping trip (that won’t take place until late May or early June), since every year until now we’ve borrowed one from someone.  Last year the stove we borrowed didn’t function properly, and it was a good thing that we’re a family who is able to improvise, because not being able to cook can throw a major crimp into a three day trip!  It will be nice to have our own, since it will be one less thing to organize before the trip (I think we’ll be able to hook up the big canisters I just bought up to this instead of buying several small ones, which should be a savings in fuel, too).

    All of these purchases added up to just $66, and though I realize it’s not the kind of thing most people are buying less than two weeks before Pesach with their miscellaneous funds, I’m pleased with them all and consider it time and money well spent.  🙂   Getting bargains means buying when things are available, not when it’s most convenient for you.  All of these errands went very quickly even though they were in totally different directions.  I enjoy taking a child or two with me when I do errands, because it’s an opportunity to spend one-on-one (or one-on-two) time together.  Being with them, the time went by so quickly!   

    Then I stopped at Whole Foods to speak to a manager about the possibility of them ordering coconut or palm oil in bulk for me.  I would have called but it was on my way home, and I thought it would be more clear what I wanted if I could show them which brand, size, etc.  This quick question took an hour to have answered, and I still didn’t get the details I wanted.  I don’t think I’ll pursue it further – she said I could get a 10% discount if I buy a case of small containers, but I don’t want small containers.  (Ds saw the 14 ounce container of coconut oil for $9, and exclaimed, “Whoa!  That’s how much we use in one day!”  And when we’re baking, he’s right.)  If I’m only going to get 10% off, I might as well stick to buying from the health food store close to me, which has 10% off once a week of all purchases, regardless of how much or how little you buy.  Fortunately, they had kosher organic corn chips out for sampling that the kids enjoyed, and on the way out they got to sample some fresh pineapple chunks.  Amazing how an unexpected little treat like that can redeem a lot of wasted time for kids!

    It’s been raining all day, but I was still hoping there would be a chance to get the berry bushes planted.  Ds10 wanted to do it, but it ended up being a lot more work than either he or I expected.  I haven’t had a chance to prepare the soil in that area – I wasn’t expecting to plant anything there for another three weeks – and it’s very hard and compacted.  Just in the nick of time, yesterday I gave away the basketball hoop that’s been in that space, so at least the space was available!  But the soil was like a rock.

    Ds was out there in the rain for a long time, digging and digging.  I told him he didn’t have to do it, but he said he started and he wanted to finish the job.  He has a lot of determination and persistence; a cold and rainy day is far from an appealing time for garden work.  He got five of the raspberry plants in (forgot about the one extra we were given when he was figuring the spacing; we’ll figure out what to do with that another time). 

    It’s currently ds10’s turn for dishes – we alternate between the oldest four kids every two weeks.  It’s a very intense job, which is why it’s two weeks instead of four.  He got a rash a couple of days ago on his arms, and yesterday night told me that washing dishes is exacerbating it.  I suggested he trade jobs with one of his siblings, to give the rash a time to heal, but he hadn’t yet found any of them who wanted to trade.  When he came in from digging, wet and muddy, I sent him straight upstairs for a hot bath, and did the dishes myself while he was soaking.  I told him afterwards I consider it a fair trade for all of his work, and asked him what he thought – I’ll do dishes for all of today in exchange for the bushes he dug this afternoon.  And if he wants to plant the five blackberry plants tomorrow, I’ll do the dishes for him again tomorrow (erev Shabbos and motzei Shabbos are the least favorite dishwashing times, for obvious reasons).  He was very happy with this idea – and only half jokingly asked if I had any more bushes he could plant for me a different day!

    Avivah

  • Running a business with small children

    >>I’ve decided to start a small business, selling ….  I know you have a small business as well, and I was wondering if you could write about homeschooling and children and owning a small business? 🙂  I’d appreciate any insight –  I’m kind of scared of doing this with a toddler and a baby. <<

    I don’t know what your specific question about running a business and having young children is, but I’ll share my general thoughts with you.  First of all, make sure it’s something that you love.  Even a small business can take up a lot more time and energy than you would ever expect, and it can easily drain you.  If you love it, you’ll still have the motivation to continue when you’re feeling worn out. 

    Don’t overextend yourself.  Know yourself and your limitations.  When I started thinking about a home biz, I had six kids, and the youngest was over 3.  Things were running in a very smooth groove, and I felt very up to taking on a bigger project, though I didn’t actually start my business until six months later, when my seventh was a month old.  Having the head space for something is what makes the big difference between feeling motivated or feeling overwhelmed.  At this point, I don’t want any extra things that I’m not passionate about taking up my time.  So I wouldn’t have started the biz at this point in my life, because getting started is pretty intense and takes a lot of energy.  So that’s just to say that something can be great at one stage of life and not so great at another stage. 

    Practically speaking, I clearly delineated time that I would and wouldn’t spend on the business.  Initially it was between 4 – 6 pm (not two full hours, just some point in between that time slot), when I was working together with the kids on it.  Other things I did in the evenings after they went to sleep (and I stayed up way too late way too often).  I chose an online business because I didn’t want the pressure of answering phones and needing to be available during the day hours when my priority was to be with my children. 

    Do you feel you’re at the stage that you have enough quiet time for yourself that you can spare some of it for working on a business?  Would working on the business be stimulating for you, something you would look forward to spending time on, or one more thing to feel pressured by?   Keep your initial outlay small enough that if you change your mind at some point, you don’t feel like you have to continue because of the money you’re already put into it.  You don’t want to buy yourself an obligation by starting a business. 

    If this is an idea that you’re excited about, and you can visualize how to fit it into your life in a way structure that will give you a meaningful outlet for your time and energy, without adding excessive stress or tension to your life, then go for it! 

    Avivah