Category Archives: homeschooling

Advising teen children towards long term choices

homeschooling, parenting

Recently I’ve begun researching various colleges for my dd15, and yesterday after taking ds16 to have his wisdom teeth out, I stopped at the community college office to ask some questions.  I’ll have to go back with my kids and get an appointment with an advisor for each of them.

Right now I’m feeling conflicted about some issues on the horizon regarding my kids and college.  Dd15 is strongly leaning towards a profession that would be a very good fit for her and I’m very supportive of it.  It also is academically vigorous and will require 7 – 8 years of college.  There are only about 16 colleges that teach this field in the US – and none of them are anywhere close to the state we live in, which necessitates living away from home and raises the bill by about another $10,000 yearly.  Each year of schooling costs about $25 – 30,000 before living expenses, and there is very little financial aid available except for student loans.  Dd can get started within a year and could theoretically be finished as early as when she’s 22.  In the broad scheme of things, that’s pretty young, and she would have a career that could be balanced with raising a family and do something she enjoys and finds satisfying.

I have several views about life/family that aren’t easily reconciled when looking at this particular career path (similar though different issues with ds16), and I’m grappling with how to best guide my children.   I’m not telling them what to do or how to do it- that isn’t my role – but not to give them some direction when they’re requesting support would be wrong.  I’ve raised my children with the perspectives below, so these are currently views they share (which obviously might change with time).  1) If a couple is old enough to get married, they’re old enough to support themselves.  2) When someone is emotionally mature and ready for marriage  and finds the right person, that’s the time to get married – regardless if numerically that seems young or old to others.  3) Children are a blessing and a newly married couple shouldn’t  purposely put them on hold to complete academic requirements.  4) The responsibility for supporting the family is on the husband, not the wife.  5) Debt can become a huge albatross around the neck that can force people to make choices they don’t want to make.

Add in to this mix the desire of dd15 to spend a year in Israel, the desire of ds16 to spend several years in yeshiva once he’s 18 (ie, both potentially ‘time outs’ on the career path), and the reality that larger families generally require more financial resources.  So guiding them means considering a number of factors with both the long term and short term in mind.

I was telling all this to a good friend last night, and she told me I’m once again going to have to blaze my own trail.  And I told her, I’m tired of blazing my own trail for every single thing – I want to find someone who has similar values who has successfully navigated this, and just do whatever they did.  I don’t want to have to think, research, and reflect so much.  😆 But as I know very well, a meaningful life of joy doesn’t come from following the crowd unless that’s where my heart is.

So here’s where I’m at with all of this: sometimes I get too uptight and have to step back to regain perspective!  I have to remind myself that H-shem created a world where doing His will is the goal, and whatever we’re doing, it’s with the desire to serve Him and to be responsible stewards in this world of the resources we’re entrusted with.  I have to let go of trying to figure all of this out in advance, and do the best I can one day at a time, and trust that the partner that I’ve had raising my children all these years – H-shem – will continue to support us all and help us make the right choices.

Practically speaking I don’t know what that will look like, but I’ll share it with you when we figure it out!

Avivah

Making time for yourself

homeschooling, parenting

Today I set out to do my monthly shopping, which I always enjoy.  But it was a long day and when I got home there was the van to unpack, then a living room filled with boxes of groceries to put away – and the baby was crying while ds2 and ds3 discovered things I bought that they wanted to eat right that minute, pulling them out and asking to eat them (or just opening it and throwing the wrapper/peel on the floor). And it was time for dinner and my mother had gotten there earlier (I forgot to tell her I’d be home late) and wanted to give the kids their presents right then (she had somewhere she needed to be at a certain time so she couldn’t really wait).

The way I do present giving is that each person gets a gift, opens it, and thanks the giver before the next person receives anything.  It makes the entire thing an experience of togetherness instead of each person focusing on what he’s getting/giving.  That wasn’t what was happening!  Instead I had a chaotic, noisy house, was tired, hungry (it was 7 pm and hadn’t eaten since breakfast), tense, and felt like I’d scream if one more person touched me or even came near me. :))   Fortunately, I’ve learned when I feel like this that as long as I remember to take a deep breath and be careful about how I speak and interact with those around me, then it passes.

So I nursed the baby, my mom gave presents and left, we had dinner, we put away a bunch of groceries, the kids went to bed, I cleaned up the kitchen – and with each step, it got easier to unknot the tension I was feeling.  Now I’ve had a hot cup of tea and am enjoying a quiet house, and since what I was really feeling earlier was the need for was some self-time, it seemed like an appropriate time to respond to the question below!

>>Avivah, could you share how you manage to take downtime/selftime/recharging time for yourself?<<

This is such an important question!  Mothers do so much all day long for everyone, and it’s too easy to forget to take time for ourselves.  When we keep giving and giving without taking time to recharge ourselves, we end up resentful, hostile, and burnt out.  Oh, and guilty – guilty for feeling resentful and hostile, guilty for having needs, angry for feeling guilty for having needs….

My reality was living far from family, with no extra money for cleaning/babysitting help, a husband who wasn’t home very often – and having six children under the age of 9 home all day long, every single day.  So if I wanted to have a break, it was up to me to create the space for it to happen. This is crucial – you have to value yourself enough to make the time.  That might mean going to sleep early so you can get up when the house is still quiet, or staying up  late after the house has settled for the night (that’s what I do).  When you have that quiet time, you can use it for whatever you find relaxing and rejuvenating – talking to a friend, a good book and a cup of herbal tea, a relaxing bath, crafting, computer time, etc.

I used to love to go walking with a friend.  This has been different times of the day, depending on my life circumstances.  I started when I had two young children at home and one or two out for a few hours a morning, and I would take a double stroller with the two kids loaded up and go for a walk (and this was before the days of jogging strollers!) mid morning.  I sometimes went walking late at night after the kids were in bed (when I lived in a neighborhood that was safe enough to feel comfortable with that).  This depended on my buddy in large part – I found that my walking partners all ended up becoming friends, because you end up talking quite a bit to each other.  Then I moved to a new neighborhood and didn’t have anyone to walk with, but I started swimming a few times a week (I became friendly with someone on a women’s syncronized swimming team and they let me do laps while they practiced for their state and national competition – they offered this to me since they knew that I needed a womens only swim environment – I left the house at about 5 or 5:30 am and drove 20 miles in each direction to get there!)  This was when I was homeschooling and had five kids.   Later when I was in yet a different city and homeschooling six kids, I again found a walking buddy and at 5 am would head out before the kids were awake and before my husband left for the day.  At one point, I went to a woman’s gym to exercise almost daily, though I didn’t enjoy this nearly as much as a walk outside!  Unfortunately I haven’t been walking for a long time; I don’t have a partner and my efforts to consistently walk by myself didn’t pan out.

When my kids were all younger, it wasn’t enough to get up early or wait until 9 or 10 pm to have some quiet time.  My kids are fantastic, I love being with them – but there are a lot of demands on a mother and it can be very draining to go and go and go all day long.  I recognized that I needed to create a mini break in the middle of the day for myself.  I did that by putting my toddlers in for a nap once the baby was down for a nap.  Then, I’d tell the older three kids (this was when I had only six kids, so the older kids were about 6,8,9 when I started this) they needed to have quiet time in their rooms for an hour.  They didn’t have to nap, but they had to stay in their beds and they had to be quiet.  They could take a book or game with them, but they could not get out of bed and they couldn’t talk.  That was a huge help since I had an hour mid day to  physically and psychologically recharge myself, and enabled me to thrive through years with no outside help at all in any area, while continuing to enjoy my family.

Nowadays I have other ways to meet my needs.  Some people have asked me how I find time to write on my blog. The answer is that writing here is something I do because I enjoy it.  Once in a while I start to feel like I have to do it, and that’s usually when you might notice a two day hiatus while I recenter myself.  Recharging yourself shouldn’t be something that feels like a chore, or something else on your ‘to do’ list!

Another thing is to give yourself a break emotionally.  Tonight, why was I getting so uptight?  Where was all the pressure coming from?  From everyone else?  Not really.  Mostly it was inside my head.  It was what I was telling myself that was the true problem – usually I can have that exact same situation going on and I can stay cheerful and relaxed.   We have to learn to let go and relax our standards sometimes.  There are things you can do at some periods of your life that will leave you chronically run down and overextended at other stages.  And we have to learn to accept ourselves as we are, not only when we’re at our best, but when we’re at out worst.

Avivah

Kids using the internet

homeschooling, parenting

>>Do you allow your kids to research topics of interest on the internet?<<

This isn’t a black and white answer.  In general I’m not a fan of the computer or internet for kids, even though it’s an amazing resource.  My main concern is that it can be a huge time waster and addictive.  There’s a huge amount of material to sift through, and it can take a long time to get to the ‘meat’ of an area of interest.

A couple of weeks ago dd9 and a friend were working on preparing a presentation for their geography club, so I sat with them at the computer to help them find their information.  When they get older, I do allow them to use the internet on their own – that’s for kids about 12 or older. We only have one computer and when combined with the number of people who want to use computer, and the limitation that they can only use it when their chores and academic work are completed, they naturally can’t/don’t spend huge amounts of time online.

Each of the older three kids have their own interests.  Ds16 is probably the one who needs to use it the most for research- he has a particular area of interest that he’s constantly learning more about, and though he’s read books on the topic, he enjoys the online resources he’s found.

My second concern about the internet is the huge amount of offensive material that could be accessed.  I’m not concerned about the kids seeking out unwholesome materials as much as realizing that they could accidentally click on a link or mistype something that could take them somewhere unsavory.  We keep the computer in an area of the house where people are always around.  My husband and I have recently discussed getting a filter, too. Until fairly recently, like about a year ago, our kids weren’t using the internet much so it didn’t seem necessary.  But now it seems prudent.

We also until recently had an older computer that had some kind of problem that kept us from being able to see youtube videos or other high definition graphics – I considered this an advantage. 🙂  Even though there are loads of educational things on youtube (this is how I learned how to preserve tomato seeds for planting), there are lots of others that aren’t okay and when you view the main screen, there are often objectionable pictures or titles that you can’t help but view.

So while I’m not against it, I’m careful to limit it.

Avivah

Older boys and homeschooling

homeschooling,

>>your 16 yr old son…. how does he learn gemara and other things 16 yr old yeshiva boys should be learning?<<

He learns them pretty much same way any other boy does; the main difference is his location.

>>is it really in the best interest of a yeshiva age boy to be home all day instead of in yeshiva?<<

Historically, I think the answer is that yes, boys were taught by their fathers or in small groups by a hired teacher for short periods of time each day.  Large yeshivas are a fairly new development in the way things have been done for generations.

But regardless of history, I can only determine what’s in the best interest of my child at this time.  Every person has to make a well-thought out decision for themselves. There is no perfect solution – the yeshivas have challenges but also there are advantages.  Homeschooling has  advantages and challenges.  That’s why it’s so important to think about this, to make a thorough cost benefit analysis of the situation.  Doing that requires a parent to really think about what the true strengths and weaknesses of each situation are.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking that following the well-trodden path means that there are no problems and that you’re guaranteed a certain result – you couldn’t be further from the truth.

Having said that, I think what’s far more important than where they learn, is how they learn, why they learn, and what they do with it. I’m interested in my child’s character development and intellectual development, both of which I believe are better served by homeschooling.   I’m not impressed by bench warming.  I want my children to develop a relationship with H-shem (G-d) and find a Torah life full of meaning and joy, not to be religious robots who do it because everyone else does.  The reasons I choose to homeschool are at the root of my approach.

I think that speaking to high school aged boys and girls will be very enlightening for most parents as to what is actually going on in our schools.  What the adults think is happening and what the students experience are often two entirely different things.  (If you can’t speak to high schoolers, at least speak to their parents.  They’ll also have experience to share.)  My approach isn’t to slam the schools but rather to focus on the positives of my experience,  so I won’t detail things that concern me about school.

I’ll generalize and say that good middos aren’t generally developed by throwing together a bunch of immature pubescent boys for many hours a day with minimal adult guidance.  The hours are very long, and it’s a small percentage of boys who are really shteiging all day long.  A disproportionate number of kids are burnt out and going through the motions.  And mainly what’s necessary to get by in school is to look the part, act the part – not to be the part.

These issues are recognized by educators as growing in severity all the time, and they’re searching for answers.  So far the answers I’ve seen seem to have a common theme – try to make the school environment more home like (ie, more warmth, personal attention, discussion about issues of concern). The yeshivas will do whatever they think is best, and so will I.  I have a responsibility to my children to focus my energy to actively raise them as I think H-shem wants me to.   And for us that means homeschooling.

Avivah

Save the date – Torah Home Education Conference

homeschooling,

I’m posting this now to give those of you who need to make flights time to make reservations. 🙂   Last year the feedback on the conference was very positive and enthusiastic, and this year it’s going to be bigger and better!

The Second Annual Torah Home Education Conference will be held in Baltimore, MD  on June 13, 2010.

We have loads of great workshops and speakers planned and it will be a day packed with information, encouragement, and support.  Come and meet homeschoolers from across the country, learn, and be inspired!

The conference will be held on the second floor of the Park Heights JCC from 9 am – 5 pm, located at 5700 Park Heights Ave, Baltimore, MD 21215.  There is ample parking on site.  Lunch can be purchased at the Eden Cafe, a dairy restaurant on the first floor of the JCC.  Special hotel pricing is available to conference attendees.  A variety of Jewishly oriented curriculum will be available to view.

The advance registration price for the entire day will be $25 per person, $40 per couple for registration completed by May 1, 2010.  After that, the regular price of $50 per person, $90 per couple will apply. Payment can be made by check, Paypal, or cash.

Specifics of the workshop schedule will be posted closer to the date of the conference at http://jewishhomeschooling.wordpress.com/. Please help get the word out and pass this along to those you feel will be interested, other homeschooling lists geared toward Torah homeschooling, etc – thanks!

Last year I really enjoyed getting to meet some of you at the conference; I hope this year I get to know more of you!

Avivah

How can you stand to be around your kids all day?

homeschooling, parenting

>>you get so much credit for not losing your mind being home every single day with 8 kids. really.<<

Quick correction – there are actually nine kids. 😆

At the camp my dd13 was working at this summer, there were two adult women and another teen assistant in addition to her.  She came home one day, once again telling me how amazed these two women were about me.  I asked her how they could be impressed by me when they don’t know me from a hole in the wall?  She said “They can’t understand how you can have all of us around all day – they said they would go crazy.”   Now you see how easy it is to show you’re made of the stuff of angels – be able to tolerate your kids without checking in at the loony bin and that’s all the proof anyone will need. 🙂

“How can she stand to be around her kids the whole day?  I mean, I like my kids but I don’t like them that much.”  My dd has heard me say I think it’s unfortunate that this is such a common sentiment, but this is the first time she’s heard it herself, and this is exactly what she was asked.  The women told my dd that Shabbos and Sundays are the hardest days of the week for them, because their kids are home (one was, ironically, a preschool teacher).  One went on to tell dd:

“My kids get bored all the time.”    My dd13 responded, “That’s because they go to school so they’re used to being entertained.”  “Really??”  This took the woman aback – she clearly had never considered this.    After they asked her these questions and more, they continued discussing their perplexity with one another about me.   “It must be the kind of personality that she has.”  “Maybe all of her kids were just born good.”  They were ‘mystified’, to quote dd.

My dd was laughing when she told us about this since she knows quite well that I’m a regular mom and that she and her siblings weren’t all ‘born good’.  She said it seemed like they knew what they were offering as reasons couldn’t be the answer but they couldn’t think what else it could be.

So are you wondering what the answer is??  🙂  I can reassure you that I wasn’t born with a special personality that equipped me to enjoy my kids any more than anyone else!  By nature I’m not an especially patient person nor was I one of those women who just loved being around kids before having my own.  Those qualities have been developed over time.  See, you don’t need to be naturally saintly to enjoy having your kids around!

The secret to enjoying spending time with your kids, is to spend more time with them and make it enjoyable!  When you spend relaxed time with your children, you enjoy them and are pleasant to them. They then respond to your pleasantness by behaving better and wanting to please you, to which you positively respond by wanting to spend more time with them…..  It creates a positive spiral between you and your children, and this positive spiral is what makes it enjoyable for parents and children to spend lots of time together.  Everyone likes being around people who love and respect them, right?

It’s not hard for me to be around my kids because I like them.   I don’t mean that I love them – all parents love their children.  I mean that I really like them.  (Having well disciplined children makes this much easier- your positive view of them isn’t constantly being overshadowed by their bad behavior.)  And as kids get older, they just get better and better.  I’ve said it a couple of times before, but teenagers are awesome!  They have the maturity and critical thinking skills to have really stimulating conversations and fun interactions.  It’s kind of like getting to be around your friends all day.  The myth of impossible teenagers is really a shame, since everyone buys into it and it becomes a self perpetuating reality, and parents end up missing the enjoyment of an amazing stage in their childrens’ lives.

Even though this concept is so simple, it’s foreign to our culture.  Parenting is supposed to be hard, filled with struggle and aggravation.  Motherhood and martyrdom seem to go hand in had.  When someone tells me how wonderful I am for spending so much time with my kids, I know they just don’t understand.  Raising children is work; it takes lots of time, energy, and effort.  But I’m not suffering or gritting my teeth every day – I’m so grateful and feel so blessed; I often feel that it’s not fair my husband has to go to work all day and doesn’t get to spend the kind of time I do with the kids.  It’s true that it took work to get to this point, but the hardest thing was probably to let go of my ideas that being around my kids was something to be endured.

Avivah

Chore chart 2009-10

homemaking, homeschooling

Here’s this year’s chore chart!  There aren’t many chores on my chart – I try to keep it to the basics.  This year’s chart is similar to last year, but with a couple of notable changes.

  • Laundry – done for a month at a time – A
  • Bathrooms – done for a month at a time – B
  • Breakfast preparation and wash dishes after Shabbos – done for 2 weeks C/D
  • Dinner preparation – done for 2 weeks at a time – D/C

I put an initial next to each chore to represent a child.  These four chores are rotated between the oldest four kids, currently ages 10, 13, 15, and 16.  It’s set up so each child has one chore for a month, and they complete each rotation every three months.  The breakfast and dinner preparation rotates after two weeks, so that the kids who are doing these jobs reverse with one another mid month.

We go through the complete cycle three times a year, meaning that each child has laundry and bathrooms three times, and meal prep for each of the two meals six times.

I used to say the bathrooms had to be done every 2 – 3 days, but now it’s daily since I saw that it was getting stretched to every 4 or even 5 days when someone missed their chore.  It’s quick when done daily and the bathrooms don’t have a chance to get very messy, even if the person in charge misses a day.  I now recommend to the person in charge of laundry that they do at least 1 – 2 loads daily, but it’s up to them.  As long as everyone has clean clothes when they need them, they can do what they want.

  • clear table after every meal – E
  • sweep floor after every meal, thorough sweep of entire main floor once daily – F

These two chores are rotated between ds7 and dd9.  (In addition I sweep the kitchen a couple of times a day, because with all of the food prep once a day isn’t enough.)  They rotate every two weeks.  They also are each responsible to take down the laundry from their rooms and one other location in the house, and between them take down everything.  Again, this used to be done every 2 – 3 days and now I ask them to do it daily.

This year, I’m on duty for dishes and lunch preparation.  The kids were all very happy when I offered them this option, since they dislike dishes.  Dishes are honestly a challenge since there are three meals being prepared a day, along with three large loads of dishes/pots.  It’s easy for them to get discouraged since the sink isn’t empty for long before it’s getting filled up again, but I don’t mind it.  I get my break once a week, since on Motzei Shabbos one of the kids do the dishes, and this lets them remember how lucky they are it’s only once a week. :))  When I do dishes, I also wipe down the stove and counters every night.

That’s it for the scheduled stuff.  We do quick daily clean ups, and big clean ups for Shabbos, but we do it as a team and there aren’t fixed jobs.  At those times, when I see something that needs to be done, I ask someone to do it.  Sometimes, like yesterday, I’ll set the timer for 5 or 15 minutes, and tell everyone to do pick something to do in a given area, anything they want, and do it before it goes off.  Seven people (kids ages 7 and up and me) can get a lot done in fifteen minutes, by working together! Yesterday in the living room we got walls washed, blinds wiped down, bookshelves straightened up, all the surfaces cleared, and the floor swept in the living room. It’s fun to do together, and there’s no pressure – I don’t question the job someone picks, expect them to work at a certain pace, or check how they’ve done it.

The kids are responsible for cleaning their rooms daily, but their idea of cleaning and mine aren’t always the same.  🙂  Still, something gets done!

There are a number of other miscellaneous chores that I do a little bit at a time.  Not quite daily, but it probably averages to every day and a half.  You know, all those jobs that seem too small to schedule but if not done leave your home looking only half clean?  That includes the regular schedule of re-organizing various areas of the house, like the linen closet, basement, storage room, etc.  The natural state of things is to come undone, not stay done.  🙂

Five of the older children also have a daily job with the littles.  Dd9 puts ds2 in for a nap, ds10 puts ds3 in for a nap. Sometimes this includes reading them a book, usually not.  Dd15 puts  ds2 to bed at night, ds16 puts in ds3 at night.  Dd13 gets up very early (she likes to finish all of her work for the day before breakfast) so she dresses the two of them and luckily for them, she enjoys taking them out for a morning walk; that’s why she’s not on the naptime/bedtime schedule.  (I wouldn’t ask her to dress them or take them for a walk, only to give them a drink or fruit to hold them over until breakfast.)  Putting a child in to bed is a very fast job; I made it official this year so I don’t have to worry who I asked to do what – I try to keep things fair and this ensures I’m not asking the same person every day to do all of the work.

I find that this keeps things running smoothly, without any one person feeling overwhelmed by his jobs or the expectations of him.

Avivah

Waiting for interest the early years

homeschooling, parenting,

>>After listening to your lecture, I have some questions, especially about the early years of “schooling.” You seemed pretty “un-schooly” at first, and I’m wondering how this works for Judaism-related things. Like for instance, wearing a kippah, or washing for bread, or wearing tsit-tsit, etc. Did you just wait for interest, or how did it work? <<

Yes, I do take a very relaxed approach in the early years!  But it doesn’t mean that things aren’t taught or done as much as we integrate them into daily living instead of creating artificial lessons.  There’s a general tendency that isn’t positive to push our very young (and even not so young) children into formal learning despite the well known fact that formal learning isn’t generally the most effective method.  Too many parents imitate the weaknesses of daycare/school programs (usually because they don’t have other models of how learning happens), rather than building on the strengths of a warm, family centered setting.  We prefer games, activities, outings, reading books, listening to cassettes, etc, knowing that learning is then fun and natural. 

When it comes to mitzva observance, there’s the passive aspect of being a role model of the habits you want your children to learn. That’s crucial – it would be unreasonable to expect our kids to take mitzvos seriously if we don’t.  But I don’t rely on role modeling alone to teach our children to keep the mitzvos.  It’s like kids don’t learn to clean their rooms by watching you clean (and if this isn’t obvious to you yet, speak to mothers of older children and listen to them bemoan how their kids just watch them work and never help) – they need to actually get hands on practice to internalize whatever they’re seeing.   

The second aspect is actively teaching them the things you want them to know.  I don’t wait for interest, but generally littles want to be like you and do what you do, so the interest is pretty much there without you having to do too much.  A young child will naturally imitate a lot of things – our littles learn very young to answer ‘amen’, sit quietly for kiddush, hold up their hands to a havdala candle, just by watching all of us.  When they start washing for bread, we teach them the bracha (blessing) to say, usually starting at about 18 – 24 months.  The same with other foods – we start with the first three words and last three words of a bracha. The boys get tzitzis and kippas when they are three – this is something they look forward to for months and is a source of a lot of excitement.  With older siblings, this has become even more exciting for the littles – not only are there more people who build up what they have to look forward to, but there are more big people they look up to and want to be like.

I’m not of the mindset that I have to wait for interest or desire by my children.  If they have  an interest or desire to learn about something or explore an issue, I’ll try my best to support them.  I do, however, believe it’s valuable to get your kids on board with the ‘program’, so they they support the direction you’re leading them in.  This is one of my strengths as a parent – my husband once told me I’m a good salesman when it comes to getting my kids to go along with my ideas, and though I never thought of it in those terms, he’s right.  I don’t coerce them or try to convince them that my way is right.  When they are little, there’s not much value in discussion – parents make the mistake of trying to get their little children to give them approval or permission for what they’re doing.  It might sound laughable or extreme but if you think about it, you’ll realize that it’s not uncommon. That’s an unfair burden to place on young shoulders. We’re the ones with life experience and the concurrent wisdom that comes with experience, and it’s our job to shoulder that responsibility.  I make the rules, but I  try to make the rules reasonable and fair – firm guidelines don’t need to be harsh to be effective.  

As they get older, I often share my thoughts and why I want to do whatever it is, or why I believe whatever the issue at hand is.  When they are on the younger side, this is about smaller issues.  As they get older, the issues I discuss with them become more serious and important. I usually ask for their thoughts and opinions, and whether they disagree or agree with me, ask them to explain how they came to the conclusion that they did. This works because I discuss things with them from a position of respect.  I honestly don’t mind if they disagree with me and enjoy hearing their perspectives.

This approach has worked well for me – our kids are generally supportive of what we do and how we do it, and it eliminates many of the tensions that so many parents experience between themselves and their children, which make raising children of all ages much easier and more enjoyable!

Avivah

Feeling overwhelmed

homeschooling, parenting,

>>Right now my oldest son is 5 daughter 3 and son  about 15 months.  I am finding it very hard to cope.  I am not especially organized by nature but I was not a terrible slob either.  Now I feel so overwhelmed by the constant mess and piles everywhere and boxes of unsorted stuff, and the constant needing to feed and dress them and everything.  I am also in my first trimester. 

I am very far from my ideal.  I want to be organized.  I want to have a place for everything and be on top of housework, with getting the kids involved in a loving, supportive way.  I want to get out of this depresssing mess.  I am finding it very hard to be home with them all.  I am so unhappy being a mother.    Right now I like the concept of homeschooling more than the reality of being home with my kids.   it gets very hard.  When they start fighting, when the one year old is climbing on the table or pulling things down from teh table and  always this internal critic that it’s my fault for not better handling it for being proactive etc .  Of course there must be solutions and I want to change and I don’t want to be so stressed and miserable. I don’t know where to start.  <<

I’ve had times I’ve felt like this, too!  Being a mother is a hard job, and it’s very common to feel like we’re just not making the grade – I’m pretty confident that most people reading this have felt this way at times.  The very first place to start is to stop beating yourself up for not being perfect.  This is really the most important thing you can do; accept that you have limitations and love yourself as you are.  That’s lots easier to say than to do, isn’t it?

We mothers tend to expect way too much of ourselves, and give ourselves very little recognition for all that we do.  You don’t hear much talk or validation of the huge amount of work mothers need to do day in and day out just to keep things functional.  Functional, not sparkling or perfect.  Just making sure everyone is fed and has clean clothes to wear is a lot of work.  We want to raise our children with joy and love, but sometimes the things we feel need to get done get in the way of that.  

 There’s also the physical reality that being pregnant takes a lot of energy.   The first trimester is especially tiring, and my memory of that stage this most recent time around is spending most of the day in the reliner in my living room. 🙂   But whether pregnant or not, when we build up in our minds how well everyone else is managing and how we can’t compare, we end up feeling inadequate and dissatisfied with ourselves.  

Sometimes we think that the only way we’ll improve is by looking at all of our imperfections, but it’s not true.  It’s demotivating to think of ourselves as failures and that no matter what we do, we’ll still keep falling short.  It’s much more effective to recognize what we do well and build on it.  Self-love builds us up, self-criticism breaks us down.

You might be hoping for organizational tips to help you get things in order (and I’ve shared different tips in the homemaking category that you can look at if you want), but I have a very strong sense that you’re at least average in how you’re managing your home.  So the real issue isn’t what you’re actually doing but how you feel about what you’re doing. 

That means that meaningful improvement is going to come from you changing your way of thinking about yourself, not from running faster, trying harder, or working longer.  Look at yourself in the mirror when you get up and then later before you go to bed, and say, “I love and approve of myself.”  Fifteen times in the morning, fifteen times in the evening.  If you’re uncomfortable with the mirror, then say it to yourself in your mind – at least a hundred times a day.  There’s a lot of negative programming we need to overcome and the only way to do it is to recognize it for what it is, and reprogram ourselves with thoughts that better serve us. 

Practically speaking, when feeling overwhelmed by all the work around us, I’ve found I do best when I just do something.  Every box you organize will make a dent in what needs to be done and give you a sense of accomplishment (though you’ll need to remember to give yourself credit for it instead of thinking that it’s inadequate because there’s so much more to do).  I have to periodically remind myself that the reality of life with small children means constant messes and ongoing organizational work no matter how organized you are. 

The stage of having several small children is in my opinion the hardest in many ways.  I found things started getting significantly easier for me when my oldest was 5.5.  I had a long space between a couple of my kids and it was much, much easier to manage six kids with the youngest being close to four than when most of them were under four!  Kids grow up, we improve our skills, and things really do get easier.

Avivah

Distinguishing between limudei kodesh and chol

homeschooling, ,

>> do you distinguish between limudei kodesh and limudei chol? I haven’t listened to your husband’s talk yet, so if he addresses it, you don’t have to answer this one.<<

This question came from someone who listened to a recording of the talk I gave at the homeschool conference in June.  In that, I explained my approach of how to teach children of varying ages different subjects.  I specifically didn’t speak much about the limudei kodesh, since my husband was giving a talk about that and I didn’t want it to be redundant for those attending both talks.  But because he spoke more about the holistic approach to Judaics, I really could have talked about how I handle the specific skill building without preempting him – I didn’t know how he’d handle the topic, though, so I erred on the side of caution.

If I’m understanding the intent of the question correctly (and I’m not sure that I am), I don’t very much distinguish between Judaic and secular learning in terms of how I approach it.  I use pretty much the same approach for all that we learn – I strive for an integrated and meaningful way of learning for whatever we do.  The kids learn Hebrew writing just as they do English writing- beginning with a basic workbook to learn letter forms, and then continuing with copywork.  Unlike with English, we do teach Hebrew reading.  We keep it relaxed, using one of three Hebrew primers.   That’s pretty much it for the basic skills necessary before they can use the independent learning approach that I explained in my workshop and have also addressed here on the blog. 

Once the kids have independent learning skills, they go on to do chumash on their own, building their tranlation skills over time and eventually going on to the commentaries.  As they get older, they develop interests and follow through with that – for example, this morning ds10 told me he wants to do more halacha on his own this year.  There are other examples of that, but the point is that children naturally find their interests that relate to Jewish living just as they find interests that relate to other areas.  When a child wants to pursue something, his learning will be much more valuable than if we push it on them because it’s part of a ‘curriculum’.

I see learning as natural and integral to living, and that’s especially true of Jewish learning.  After all, if we’re living a Jewish life based on the Torah, aren’t our days filled with relevant applications?  My husband is great about using the meals to enhance the Jewish content of our learning.  He learns halacha (points of Jewish law) at every meal with the kids, and we do a lot of discussion about holidays, philosophy, etc.   We say tehillim (Psalms) at the end of our dinner meals (not every single night but on a fairly regular basis), and one of the kids leads the tehillim.  This is a natural way that they practice their reading skills and I can assess them without doing anything formal while participating in something our family finds meaningful.

If I downplay the discussions we have on a wide variety of topics, it would really be missing an integral way that we cover a lot of topics.  That’s constant and ongoing.  For example, today we discussed the Jewish view of modesty and makeup usage, using quotes from Chazal (Jewish sages) and the gemara (Talmud).  We also discussed entitlement and financial responsibility (this is a topic I return to again and again), specifically today as how it relates to adult married children and the Torah view.  This is spontaneous and unplanned – if I read an article or post that I think has points to consider, I often read out loud to the kids, and we discuss them.  The older kids particularly enjoy this and so do I – it gives us a chance to talk out ideas and perspectives.

I hope I answered the question, but as always, if something isn’t clear, anyone is welcome to ask!

Avivah