Avivah Werner

Category: Homeschooling

  • Back to quarantine…thinking about homeschooling again

    I got a call earlier this week that one of our school children had to go into quarantine. I was hoping that my five year old could have his birthday party in kindergarten with his nine year old brother in attendance before either of them were quarantined and we almost made it, but the night before the party we got a call that ds9 had been exposed to someone with a positive test result. (For those who are new, our youngest two sons have Trisomy 21/Down syndrome and attend a special needs school; our older son began there in the spring, the younger one began in September.) Ds5 had a great party but his brother wasn’t there.

    The day after the party I preemptively pulled my five year old out. I took him out not because I’m worried about him getting sick, but because I don’t want to wait for him to be put into quarantine. It’s important for children to have a regular and predictable schedule, and I didn’t want my kids to have the stresses of the staff and scheduling changes that they would have in school while this upheaval is going on, and then to have the restrictions of being in quarantine at home.

    That was Monday. On Wednesday, I received a call from the kindergarten teacher that validated the decision to take him out preemptively. In his class, students were exposed to a teacher who tested positive in the afternoon session. (Since my son is the only one who doesn’t attend afternoon sessions I’m wondering who isn’t in quarantine at this point.)

    Due to so many staff members at the school getting positive test results (though they all had to get the poke or have regular testing to continue working there), they are combining classes, cutting the school day to half days and there will be no Friday classes. I’m glad they’re finding a way to make it work, and I’m even more glad that those decisions don’t affect us.

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    So this situation is providing me with an opportunity.

    In recent months I’ve been thinking a lot about homeschooling ds9. When I made the decision to put him in school last year, I felt inadequate in what I was providing for him when he was home, and was sure that the experienced staff could do more for him than me. Though I’m very appreciative of the wonderful staff and all that they do, it’s now clear that I underestimated and undervalued all that I was doing.

    What are some of the ways that I think homeschooling would benefit ds9? It’s pretty much the same as for all of our kids, though the stakes are bigger in his case. It would remove the pressures and limitations of the school environment (eg waking up early before his body is ready, the physical exhaustion from 2.5 hours daily of traveling to and from school, the lower expectations academically and behaviorally) while qualitatively offering him better learning opportunities. Being home would benefit his overall health, with more activity outdoors, better quality foods, and lots more love and emotional support.

    When he’s relaxed and rested, he’s naturally a much more enjoyable child to spend time with. (Like every single person on the planet!) On the days he stays home from school his behavior and the quality of our interactions is so much improved. There’s no question in my mind that the person he will grow up to be will be dramatically impacted for the good if we make the decision to homeschool him.

    That’s where the bigger stakes come in. Kids in special ed don’t get the same experiences interfacing and participating in the typical world as a child in an inclusive framework (be that homeschooling or inclusive education frameworks). I’m concerned that the older he gets, the more limiting the lack of this interaction will be for him. This isn’t a new concern for me; I’ve shared about it before and it’s something I thought deeply about before putting him into the school framework he’s in.

    To be good at something, you need to have experience; the more experience you get, generally the more comfortable you feel and the more skilled you become. How can a child learn to interact effectively and appropriately in a world that he has minimal experience with, when there are different behavioral expectations than what he’s used to?

    If that all makes sense, homeschooling doesn’t seem like a hard decision. What is there to think about?

    My hesitations are regarding my physical ability to homeschool him. Two and a half years after being rear ended and my car being totaled in an accident, my energy remains very impacted and I still need to rest a lot during the day. So my question has been, even if it would be best for him, do I really have the physical and emotional ability to have a younger child who needs a lot of guidance at home? Even with twenty years of homeschooling behind me, this remains a real concern for me.

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    Have you ever made bread every week for an extended period? It was part of your regular schedule so you just did it. But if you stopped for a while, then getting back into doing it again felt hard, right?

    That’s kind of how I’m feeling about homeschooling ds9. Though I was managing okay when he was at home, there were a couple of challenges together with my energy level, that led me to seek out school as the better option. Now that he’s in school, I see that the support for those challenges isn’t what I expected and isn’t resulting in a better outcome than what I had, but getting back into homeschooling is a mental hurdle.

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    I’ve decided to use this quarantine period as an opportunity for me to enjoy being in a homeschooling framework with our nine year old, without any pressure to make an official decision.

    Now, if there was the possibility of homeschooling ds5 along with ds9, homeschooling would be an easy choice. They are close friends and play beautifully together, and with the two of them together, they can constructively occupy themselves so that I don’t need to be the source of entertainment all day long. If you’re wondering what the issue with that is: Two and a half years ago we put in our request to adopt him, but were denied by the bio parents. We waited a couple of years and are now putting in our request again. But for now, technically (not in our hearts) ds5 is a foster child and needs to be in school.

    So far we’ve been really enjoying our time at home together. We’ve been starting our days with an outing when my energy levels are higher, and that’s been great.

    If you’re wondering how could he be wearing shorts and a tshirt in the middle of January – yes, it’s really that warm!
    Ds9, a doting uncle with his 15 month nephew

    Later, when I need to take an extended nap midday, I let them watch educational videos without even a drop of guilt, something that I berated myself for doing last year. I’m much kinder to myself now than I was last year, and it’s amazing how much easier and more enjoyable everything feels without self-judgment!

    Avivah

  • Another new grandson, canning activities, making cheese

    On Wednesday evening, my daughter gave birth to a baby boy!

    I told my neighbor yesterday, and she looked confused. “I know…you went to Jerusalem for the bris.” No, that was two and a half weeks ago – this is a different daughter!

    Who knew when our two daughters got married twelve days apart, that they would later have baby girls 2.5 months apart, and then baby boys 2.5 weeks away?! It’s so special.

    Thank G-d, this is our fourth grandson in the last 12.5 months, making for, as my sister said, “A bumper crop of boys!”

    This was my daughter’s third birth, but first homebirth. It was so nice to see her an hour later in her own space, looking relaxed and happy. As she said, a homebirth is a completely different experience than a hospital birth.

    Now they’re here with us for a few days, and I’m tapping away at the keyboard with this tiny cutie pie on my lap.

    One hour old.
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    After dashing out to meet my new grandson, I came directly back home where several women had already arrived for the canning workshop that I was giving that evening. I offered a canning workshop for women in our community several weeks ago, and then did this second one for women who couldn’t make it to the first one.

    What I covered was waterbath canning, something that can be done very inexpensively with supplies that are probably already in your home or inexpensively purchased. Canning is a good strategy to make the most of great produce sales, to extend the seasonality of your fruits and vegetables so you can enjoy the when they are no longer in season.

    Waterbath canning is good for high acid foods only – that means fruits, fruit juices and pickled items. So while it’s limited, it’s still a great skill to acquire for your frugality and self-sufficiency toolbox.

    It took me some time to figure out how to can things here since the jars and lids are different from the US, where most of my canning experience was. I did a bit of canning when I first moved to Israel using recycled jars, then stopped until this summer. What changed things for me was finding where to buy jars very affordably, and how use them. It was a drive to get to the seller but worth it, since just a day after I bought them, someone in my community who does holiday food distribution called to tell me they had given out all the parcels and were left with some produce. Did I want any? Perfect timing!

    It’s been fun to get back into canning! There’s a limit to how much fresh fruit you’re going to get, even if it’s free, because there’s a limit to how much you want to eat, and there’s a limit to how long it will stay in your fridge before it goes off. In this case, I got a case each of apples and pears, and with the help of my new jars and large stock pot, preserved them so they are now shelf stable.

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    When I went to Jerusalem for the bris a couple of weeks ago, my son-in-law asked me if I wanted zucchini. He knows the quantities of food we go through, and he also knows that I find ways to use whatever comes my way! (Frugality tip – when something is offered and it seems like something that will be helpful, accept it even if you aren’t yet sure what to do with it! You can pass it along to others if you don’t use it.)

    At his yeshiva, many families participate in a vegetable buying order; every week each family gets an identical box of assorted produce. They pick up their orders at a central location, and when someone doesn’t want an item that was in their box, they put it to the side. Anyone who comes to pickup his box can add to the extra produce put to the side or take it. On the Friday that we were there, there was a lot of zucchini, and my son-in-law brought me a case and a half!

    What to do with so much zucchini? I could have chopped them and frozen them, but am trying to get away from using my freezer so heavily. I don’t like to depend exclusively on something that is dependent on electricity. (I remember well being without power for a week in Baltimore when a storm came through, and trying to cook all the chicken in the freezer before it spoiled, as the daylight faded and I had just a candle for light.) I decided dehydrating the zucchini in the oven would be my best option, but all three batches failed – one spoiled (not hot enough), and two got overdone when the heat was too high. Our chickens enjoyed them, at least.

    Since it was clear dehydrating wasn’t working in this case, I thought about what to do with the remaining zucchini. I could can them, but as a low-acid food my only choice was pickling them, and that didn’t sound appealing.

    When I began canning in 2008, I made lots of the recipes in the canning books. They looked good and filled the jars, but they weren’t foods that we ate. I learned my lesson – now I won’t can something unless it’s something I know I’ll use.

    I started cruising for zucchini inspiration and came across a comment about mock pineapple that got my mental wheels turning – I started thinking about zucchini as a potential palette to absorb other flavors. With some more looking, I found recipes for apple pie and lemon pie filling made from zucchini, as well as pineapple zucchini. It sounds strange, I know. I think of it like tofu. It doesn’t taste like much on it’s own but it can turn into whatever you want.

    I made the mock pineapple, and when one of the jars didn’t seal when processing, we put it in the fridge and had some the next day. My boys told me it actually tasted like pineapple and was really good!

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    The mock pineapple was especially yummy with homemade yogurt, made by ds14. We got a call a couple of nights ago (from my other son-in-law) that a large synagogue was giving away tons of milk that was due to expire a day later. We got a bunch and while I was out at choir practice, ds14 was busy making loads of yogurt. Literally – he made an 18 liter bucket full! (You can see it behind him in the picture below.)

    Making cheese

    Then over the next couple of days, he and ds12 experimented with making soft cheeses, adding flavorings, straining them, weighting them down. They are using only lemon juice and vinegar for a curdling element, no rennet. My favorite so far was made by ds12, with milk, salt, eggs and yogurt. It takes a lot of milk to make cheese, and it’s fun to experiment when all the milk is free! My boys appreciated the opportunity since they’ve been wanting to experiment with cheese making for quite a while. (A while back ds14 did some cheesemaking, but that ended when the budget I allotted was spent.)

    This was my favorite so far, by ds12 – it sliced up really nicely in firm slices. He weighted it down quite a lot to squeeze the liquids out.

    The shalom zachor will be at our home tonight, and today will be a busy day getting ready for that as well as Shabbos. Dd21 and ds15 came home last night so they can be here for the shalom zachor (they were initially planning to only next week for the Thursday bris and then stay for Shabbos), and since my birthday is tomorrow I appreciate them being here even more!

    Avivah

  • New grandson, homeschool alumni panel, changes to our homeschool

    We have been blessed with our third grandson two days ago – first three granddaughters were born within nine months of each other, and now these three little boys born within a year! (We’re waiting for one more addition in the next few weeks.) It’s so nice that as they grow up and we have family get togethers, the cousins will all have each other.

    Two days old

    And so he won’t be left out since I didn’t announce when he was born, here’s me with my beautiful second grandson three months ago.

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    Dd21 and I went to Jerusalem yesterday to see the new baby, and we had the luxury of a long day of driving together that provided the opportunity for hours of shmoozing time. It’s really interesting to watch one’s children become independent, thoughtful adults with well-formed opinions. I reread a couple of John Taylor Gatto’s books recently (Dumbing Us Down and Weapons of Mass Instruction – I highly recommend them both if you want to expand your thinking about education). His writing from twenty and and eleven years ago is remarkably relevant to current events. Dd picked up the book one day when I left it out, and has found his writing insightful and thought-provoking, and we’ve had some really great conversations about the themes he discusses.

    Last year I gave the keynote talk at the online Jewish Homeschooling Summit (our first grandson was born that morning!), and though this year I’m not able to participate, dd21 will be joining the alumni panel tonight. The conference is free, and details of the schedule are here. Recordings are available if you can’t participate live. (Edited to add: though she had a lot to say, she only got one question so you won’t hear much of her very well thought-out and articulated positions on education.)

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    Meanwhile, it looks like we’ll be having some shifts to our homeschooling. Ds15 is seriously considering leaving high school to learn at home. He’s very mature and is taking the time to weigh the decision, evaluating the benefits and disadvantages of each option. The main advantage is the doors that may open later on, for example, to the post high school yeshiva that his older brother attended. The main disadvantage is spending years waiting to do the things you really want to do, which closes other doors. I would love to have him home again but will support whatever choice he makes.

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    We had a visitor this Shabbos and spent hours chatting. This resulted in me agreeing – for the first time ever, despite many requests over the years – to include her thirteen year old son in our homeschooling lives. (He’ll be living with us during the week, going home for Shabbos.) We’ll be doing a week long trial, after we get home from the Shabbos bris of our grandson ***. If it goes well, we’ll extend the trial for another few weeks. My husband was surprised that I agreed, but I think it will be a positive thing for all the boys – hers and mine.

    We’re looking to do a house swap for this Shabbos with someone in the Rechavia neighborhood of Jerusalem with a three bedroom apartment. If you know someone, or are that someone and want to enjoy a Shabbos in the gorgeous north, please be in touch via email. (My name@yahoo.com)

    Avivah

  • Is there anything cuter than baby chicks??

    Every morning, I go out with the leftovers from dinner to feed the chickens – as soon as they see me they run from the far side of the yard for their breakfast! Our chickens have a very nice life free ranging in the yard and they return the favor by scratching around in my garden beds, eating bugs and fertilizing the soil – it’s a mutually beneficial arrangement. Then they turn my scraps into eggs – and now, into baby chicks!

    Yesterday afternoon ds14 came in with great excitement to announce that there were two newly hatched chicks. His hen made her nest at the base of the pandorea vine, and was almost completely surrounded by the leaves. I could hardly make out one chick – he said the other was under its mother.

    This morning, I thought I’d be helpful and put food next to her nest so she doesn’t have to go hungry while sitting on her eggs. But she jumped up with the others to get food, so I peered in. I saw one little chick looking solemnly out at me. I stepped back to look around to see where the other chick was, and saw it had followed its mother. Then that one ventured out to join them, so all three had breakfast with the others.

    Many mornings after putting ds9 and ds4 on their school van mornings I go out and sit in the yard and just sit and watch the chickens. They’re very entertaining, much more than ducks.

    I thought that ducklings were the cutest thing ever, but I think it might actually be baby chicks. I had the strongest desire to just scoop up and stroke the little chick learning to walk on his new legs, but I didn’t. Instead I took a picture for you.

    Ds14 has had a variety of experiences raising poultry – starting with ducks, then quail, then chickens and lastly geese, and has decided that chickens are the very best. (I agree.) These chickens hatch their own eggs, versus him needing to incubate the eggs for all the other birds. Did you think that all birds hatch their own eggs? Not at all. It’s been bred out of them, I suppose. After all the ups and down and various experiences he’s had, it’s been especially gratifying for him to watch his flock multiply without his intensive involvement.

    As we were watching together, he commented, “It’s so nice for the chickens to have mothers.” As attentive and responsible as he is, it’s a qualitatively different experience being raised by a mother hen, who keeps her chicks warm under her, teaches them to run and forage, shows them how to be safe, and protects them from threats.

    Mother hen with chicks that are less then a day old

    It’s also really nice for him to watch things come full circle. He bought the original chicks in the beginning of the spring when they were two weeks old. A few died in the early days, a couple were sold as they got bigger (not more than one rooster, I insisted!) but mostly he’s watched them grow and it’s really nice now to see them with chicks of their own.

    These tiny guys aren’t the first chicks to hatch this season. Four chickens went broody all at once – one hen made her nest in one area, and three others all sat in nests right next to one another. The first eggs to hatch were from one of the three hens – only two eggs hatched, and those hens sitting right next to the mother were just as proud and protective as if they were their own (none of the other eggs hatched). Those chicks are now about six weeks old, and they still all travel together, as well as another hen who latched on to them as soon as the first chicks hatched. My son says they have four mothers; I think of them as one mother and three very devoted aunts.

    The second hen hatched three eggs, and she runs around on her own with them.

    Mother hen with six weeks old chicks

    It was a surprise when ds found the new nest a week or two ago; it was well hidden and he wasn’t expecting it. There are eight more eggs still in the nest and when dd21 checked them she said they all look viable. We were pleasantly surprised that they were fertile since the rooster was rehomed before Sukkos. I don’t know what we’re going to do with them if they all hatch, but one thing is for certain – they aren’t all going to stay here!

    Avivah

  • Green Pass restrictions, creating the world we want to live in

    Yesterday morning I went to a bris. When the baby cries, the window to heaven is open and it’s an opportune time for prayer. And I prayed for the coming year, that worldwise we experience healing, connection, expansion, safety, and to connect with G-d from a place of abundance (versus suffering).

    Then I came home, and read an article that a friend and blog reader sent me regarding the opening of schools on September 1. At times like this I have to work hard not to feel despair at the Orwellian reality that has descended on this world, on this country, that saying the things that were written in this article are considered acceptable.

    Background: the Green Pass system states the following: those who have gotten the *poke (explantion of why I use this term below), recovered from the virus or get a negative test result can participate in normative life. Anyone else can live on the edges of society, without being able to work, go to school, or whatever else they’re going to include – they started the process by letting those who met the criteria access cultural events, restaurant dining and the like, but are moving on to limiting access to core needs.

    The policies and accompanying coercion are being justified as necessary for the health of society. Is it really about that?

    People who got the poke can get the virus. People who got the virus can get it again. People who never got the virus can get the virus. We all know this.

    If all those people can catch something and potentially spread it to others, why do two of those groups get a Green Pass, and only one group is barred from inclusion? After all, they are all at risk and they can all potentially put others at risk. Why is it safe for someone in the first two categories to mingle, when they are can also be a carrier of the dreaded disease?

    From the article: “[Why should] an unvaccinated student who refuses to be tested should come to school and endanger the other children or the teachers?” he asked. “A sick person should remain at home.”

    Does anyone else see the logic that is missing from this assumption? Someone who doesn’t want a test or a poke is not ipso facto sick. A healthy person is not endangering anyone, regardless of what medical procedures he does or doesn’t do. The prevailing narrative has become, get the poke and you’re at no risk and you present no risk. This is factually incorrect. Someone who got the poke isn’t ipso facto healthy, and still has the potential to pass a virus along.

    From the article: “If a student refuses to be tested, then obviously he has something to hide. He won’t be vaccinated and also won’t be tested? Maybe the parents want to send him to school so that it’ll be easier for them.”

    Every parent sends their child to school because it’s easier for them and they think it’s to the child’s benefit. Obviously, if it wasn’t, they wouldn’t do it. Parents are all sending their kids to school for the same reasons. Why is he sowing suspicion of other parents who have a difference of opinion about the desired course of action? Who does that benefit?

    When this article was sent to me, it was with the comment, “Serious breakthrough for homeschoolers.”

    I don’t see this as a positive breakthrough of anything. This is a breakdown of a democratic society veering right into totalitarianism.

    If someone wants to homeschool, I support that. But to leave parents with no choice but to homeschool, in effect forcing children from school, because they don’t want to comply with very questionable policies that are being passed by a few politicians at 2 am when no one can comment or question them? No. I don’t support that and I certainly don’t celebrate that.

    (And if you think that the Ministry of Education is going to approve all these parents who have been forced out of school for homeschooling, you’re greatly mistaken. It’s acceptable for them to drop the ball for over a year on the education of the students they are responsible for, but they aren’t going to be quick to pass the ball to someone else to play with. Make no mistake, they aren’t trying to expand educational options to benefit students, but to force parents into a corner.)

    Here’s the paradigm that we’ve all grown up with: if you go along with whatever the government tells you, you’re a good and moral person. If you don’t, you deserve to suffer the full weight of the law. And that makes sense to us, because we see the laws that are passed as something that are necessary for the safety of society, that people who break the law are endangering us.

    Is there ever a point that a citizen can question the actions that a government is taking? Has it ever happened that a government has taken actions and imposed policies that weren’t for the well-being of the population they were responsible for?

    We’re being told these Green Pass policies are for the safety of society, and as is our habit, we agree that going along with the government decisions is good, that it’s all for our benefit. But what if the presumption that we are working from isn’t accurate? What if the Green Pass system isn’t about public safety, but about forcing compliance? They created a carrot to give to those who did what they wanted, which simultaneously created leverage to discriminate against those who didn’t go along with what was originally a voluntary plan. The result is institutionalized medical segregation.

    Is there any point that people can be allowed to have a difference of opinion? Because right now a second class citizenry is rapidly being created, where no benefits will be available to them if they don’t act the way the government demands. We’ve seen how that works. World War II. Communist Russia. China. North Korea. There’s a very long list and it always goes the same way.

    Please, please think about where this is going. No matter how strongly you may fear the virus and support these policies, can you take a step back and consider what is happening to the lives of those who feel differently?

    Stephen Covey writes, before climbing a ladder, make sure it’s leaning on the right wall. What if we’re climbing a ladder of policies and it’s on the wrong wall, taking us all in the wrong direction?

    How successful have all the preventative actions taken been until now, to wipe out the virus?

    What if we had helped people eat better, think more positively, destress, feel safe and loved, decreased the financial pressures they felt? What if we had supported immune systems in the many, many ways possible? (That would have included mainstream Western medical options.) Should we continue with policies that are creating enormous ongoing stress for everyone, depressing the immune systems of us all? Should fear and dissension be spread rather than a spirit of working together, of valuing the differences, of assuming good intentions?

    Could there have been a different way of handling this situation that might have had more positive outcomes?

    The definition of insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results. That’s what is happening. The policies – masking, pokes, lockdowns, arresting those who didn’t comply – didn’t work. Their conclusion? We didn’t do it seriously enough yet, or to enough people.

    A mistaken conclusion is never going to bring you the results you want. Let’s hit the child when he doesn’t do what we want. Oh, he’s crying? Hit him harder, that will teach him a lesson. Mainstream thinking is that upping the ante of consequences will make people do what we want.

    They can oppress more and more people, create more fear and anxiety. Meanwhile, everyone who falls into line can virtue signal about how they are good and the others are bad. The bad people don’t deserve the benefits of the good people. Unlike the Jews in the Holocaust or the blacks in the pre-civil rights era who suffered from something they couldn’t change, in this case, it’s okay to persecute people because it’s all their fault, they brought it on themselves by their noncompliance.

    Blaming the victims is always an effective strategy.

    The above approach was never going to work because that’s not how viruses work. Viruses have a natural life cycle, when they surge and when they seem to be gone. They aren’t. They’re just in the down cycle. They don’t go away, they continually mutate and adapt. They’re here to stay.

    And whether we like it or not, the world we lived in is gone. It’s never coming back. Now it’s up to us to think about the world we want to create, and how to participate in that. Do you want a discriminatory medical apartheid system to be part of that world?

    Avivah

    *I’m using the word ‘poke’ as a replacement to something else that will trigger censorship; all recognized substitutes will similarly trigger. I in no way intend it derisively, it’s simply my attempt to find a way to dialogue about issues of the day.

  • Vision board workshop with my family

    Last night I was planning to do a vision board workshop with the teen girls that I give a Shabbos shiur to, but there was a scheduling conflict so I rescheduled it.

    All my family members happened to be home at 5 pm and it occurred to me, why not do a family workshop right now!

    Everyone was game, and quickly cleared the table and took out art materials. I put out the pile of collected magazines.

    What is a vision board? A vision board is a tool to help a person clarify, visualize and connect emotionally to their desire for the coming year. For this reason I feel it’s especially appropriate to do before Rosh Hashana.

    I started by explaining to my family the purpose. Then, each person was to cut out pictures or words that were emotionally resonant for them. They didn’t have to know why something resonated, but just to recognize that something about it felt good to them.

    After collecting the images, they are pasted onto a paper to create a collage of good feeling images.

    Since each picture is chosen for what it represents to the person himself, no one else can accurately interpret what was chosen without hearing the explanation. Often what it looks like and what is represents to the person are very different. For example, one son chose a picture of pizza with different toppings to represent balance.

    Everyone enjoyed the creative experience, but then we had to stop to go in our different directions (shul, bar mitzva lesson, dinner). I went to a small Elul gathering in the fields that was so lovely. Several times I noticed my family members were trying to reach me, and when I finally called back at 10:45 pm, they told me they were waiting for me to come home so we could part 2 together.

    I was so touched that they initiated this!

    Part 2 is sharing the significance of what they created together with everyone else. This was so incredibly meaningful and powerful.

    I wasn’t sure they would feel comfortable with this aspect, and stressed when I explained the process initially that no one had to share if they didn’t want to. It takes courage to set an intention and it can feel vulnerable to envision something with no idea of how or when it can happen. And it can feel even more unsafe to share about those intentions with others.

    As nice as the creative process was, sharing about it exponentially deepened the experience. It helped each person further clarify for themselves and for the rest of us what they wanted and their feelings about it.

    I was literally in awe of what each person created, to hear the explanation of what each picture and saying chosen meant to him. Even knowing my children as well as I do, I wouldn’t have guessed what many of the pictures represented. So much depth and to hear about what was chosen, what was cut out so it didn’t appear in the vision board…wow.

    A few of us want to continue adding to the vision boards today. One came home from davening and by 7:45 am was already looking through the magazines for more images to add. Everyone in our family who was home made a vision board (two aren’t shown), except for ds4 (though he was actively present, including through session 2, which took place from around 11 pm until midnight).

    It was a great experience and one that I am so grateful we were able to do together!

    Avivah

  • Intrinsic motivation and my thirteen year old son, the shochet!

    Quite some time ago, ds13 decided he wanted to learn shechita, and made arrangements independently to study the related halachos (Biblical guidelines and laws) with a local shochet (ritual slaughterer). Once learned, they have to be reviewed thoroughly every thirty days.

    Over the past months, he has assisted in processing a number of animals – chickens, ducks, goats, sheep, and even cows. But he had yet to perform the shechita himself.

    A month ago, he came home and told me someone was selling a turkey for just 150 shekels, and asked if I was interested in buying it? No, I absolutely did not want a turkey walking around our yard and told him so. “No, not to raise – for me to shecht!” The shochet he learned with him determined that he was ready to do the shechita (kosher slaughtering) himself.

    The process went very smoothly – the shochet told me it’s rare for a first shechita to go so well, and that it’s been a pleasure to learn with ds13, due to his diligence and how seriously he’s taken his studies.

    It was very gratifying for all of us to see the tangible results of his months of study! Ds13 plucked it, cleaned it and kashered it himself, and we saved it to enjoy together with dd24 and her husband when they were here for the weekend.

    A couple of days ago someone came by and said there were a couple of ducks he was having shechted, and my thirteen year old could watch if he wanted.

    I went over just as they finished up, and found out that my son hadn’t watched but actually performed the shechita on both of them! (Under the supervision of the shochet that he studied with, obviously.) He learned firsthand why ducks are considered one of the more difficult animals to shecht. One of the two was kosher, one wasn’t, and the person who the ducks belonged to insisted ds13 take half of the meat.

    It was a mallard duck and small to begin with, so half of it wasn’t a huge meal, but nonetheless, this week we had roast duck on the menu. 🙂

    My husband and I have great satisfaction in observing the emergent developmental process – in this case, watching ds13 develop and pursue an interest. No degree of external manipulation or incentivization can get the results that come from intrinsic motivation. (Our foster care social worker, who visits monthly, is very appreciative of ds13 and his activities, though she said she finds it discouraging to see the contrast with her own son, who is lacking any visible signs of emergence. I’ve spoken to her about supporting the natural developmental process, too!)

    Some people have said it’s good he has a skill that could potentially be a career – that’s true and it’s always good to have options, but I wouldn’t want him to do this for a living. I value it greatly as a life skill, however.

    For me, the biggest value is a person learning to listen to his own inner guidance and move towards that. This is way of thinking that could dramatically enhance the life satisfaction of every one of us, but far too many of us adults, under the guise of being responsible, have lost the ability to recognize and respond to the inner promptings of their souls. And what are we here for, if not to live lives of meaning and satisfaction?

    Avivah

  • Being productive during the lockdown – replacing interior doors

    So here we are, in the middle of yet another lockdown in Israel but this time no end date has been established.

    As soon as the lockdown was announced, I told my husband I really wanted to make some progress on my project list while we’re all home for this extended period (right now ‘we’ means ds14, ds13, ds11, ds8, ds4). The top two items on my list are to replace several damaged interior doors, and to replace the upstairs kitchen. (Our house was a two family home that we converted to one; hence, two kitchens.) Our intention is to convert the second floor apartment into a vacation rental since we don’t use that space other than when the older kids are home (usually a couple of days a month).

    This was the worst of the damaged doors – it didn’t look like this when we bought the house, but it did by the time we got the keys. 🙁

    I considered paying someone to put in new doors, but at 900 shekels for a basic door and wanting to replace ten doors, it was getting expensive quickly! And I’ve found that paying a lot of money to people who are supposedly experts doesn’t necessarily result in getting the quality work that I want. (I’ve had some extremely expensive and frustrating experiences with workmen since moving here.) Avoiding more workmen was pretty motivating for me, just as much as the financial savings.

    Rather than replace all the doors, I decided to just replace the three that are damaged, and then to paint all the interior doors on the second floor white (since the new doors were a different wood shade from the old ones, and anyway I preferred for the doors to be white). The total for the paint, some assorted supplies and the doors was under 600 shekels.

    Replacing doors isn’t something we’ve ever done before, but all of the renovations we’ve done have at some point been something that we’ve never done before. Most new projects intimidate me when I first think of them. I start off thinking of hiring someone, then I go online and watch how to videos. When I get a sense of what the work involved entails, I share my conviction that this is something we can do with my family. My announcements about my latest DIY ideas aren’t always (um, ever, to be honest) greeted with shrieks of delight, but I appreciate the willingness they’ve shown to work together in spite of their preference to spend their time doing something else.

    Replacing doors here isn’t so simple since unlike in the US, there isn’t one standardized interior door size. Therefore it took me a while to find the matching size doors that were hinged in the direction I wanted, that were the quality that I wanted at a price that was reasonable. But I found them! As of last night all of doors have been hung and we’re really pleased with them. Now we need to finish installing the molding around the door frames, then put on another coat of paint. No one likes painting so I agreed that would be my job. 🙂 I hope to finish the doors by the end of this week.

    If you’re wondering when I can do that kind of work, it’s a good question and one that I wasn’t finding an answer to for a long time. Sometimes I’ve felt frustrated about the things I want to do but don’t, because long involved projects with messy components/power tools don’t mesh well with children who need more than minimal supervision.

    Last week, I decided to paint while my husband put the younger boys to bed. Though that meant starting after 8:30 pm and usually I’m really wiped out by then, I had an afternoon nap, and it was so gratifying to be able to do something concrete and make progress on something I wanted to get done, rather than delegate and do the oversight. (I’m actually a pretty good contractor.) I had a couple of quiet hours to work by myself and it was really relaxing.

    I think with a couple more nights of work this week , I should be able to have them all finished up soon!

    Avivah

  • Our beginning efforts raising ducks and quail

    About ten weeks ago, we became the owners of three Pekin ducks, two females and one male!

    Watching the ducks inside their coop after they arrived.
    My entire yard was filled with 3 – 5 foot weeds when we moved here, and I thought the ducks would assist me in getting rid of them. I was wrong, but there are other benefits!

    We had visions of fresh eggs and baby chicks, and were delighted that despite being told it would likely take 2 – 4 weeks for them to settle in and start laying again, one of them began laying on the third day. It was so exciting to see that first egg there!

    The first egg!

    Despite being very happy in their new surroundings, one of the females died just nine days later. She had come to us with a cut next to her eye that we understood from the seller was mostly healed, but it became infected and though we put antibiotic cream on it, it was too little, too late.

    My son told me he didn’t think she was feeling well – less than a half hour later I found her laying beak down in the coop, dead.

    I knew raising animals would mean encountering the life and death cycle close up, but I wasn’t expecting it so soon.

    ************************

    Prior to this, we had begun to gather the eggs and set them aside, hoping we could incubate them. We were fortunate to have a neighbor who raises birds who had some room left in his incubator, and agreed to add our seven eggs to his batch. Duck eggs have a four week incubation period and we waited eagerly for the hatch.

    The person who had the incubator told the boys after a couple of weeks that it looked like only five of our eggs would hatch. That sounded like a good number, though!

    However, we had a massive unseasonal heatwave, and there was an incubator failure as a result. Out of all of those eggs, just one adorable little duckling hatched.

    Ds14 with Pineapple, a few hours old

    She was dubbed Pineapple, and spent her first day being held non-stop, her first night sleeping snuggled on ds14, and spent the next day once again mostly being held – she was very content.

    The second night we put her in her box lined with straw inside the bedroom, not knowing that even though it was so warm she still needed a heat lamp. (When we hatched ducklings in the US we didn’t use a heat lamp and they all survived, both times – and the weather was much cooler than here.)

    They found her dead in the morning. It was very, very sad.

    *************************

    While we were waiting for the duck eggs to hatch, my twelve year old son began asking me if he could buy quail to raise. The seller of the ducks had some other fowl, among them quail, and when we were there for the ducks we chatted about them. This son had been with me and the conversation he listened to ignited an interest.

    I told him he had to build a coop for them before we could get any. He had already built the coop for the ducks with ds14, and so he began collecting scrap wood and materials.

    Once the coop was built, off we went last week to buy some quail. He had money for two females and a male, but the seller told him he needed a higher ratio of females to males. When the seller heard about our duck’s untimely demise, he said he would give us the quail that my son was interested in as compensation. My son was very excited about to get five females and one male!

    The quail have been doing really well. They’re fun to watch, and surprised us by starting to lay eggs just a week after we got them, when they were only six weeks old. Ds12 started collecting eggs to incubate.

    (After he did this, he made the eggs available for us to eat – the last couple of Shabbosim, he boiled a bunch of them and we enjoyed the tiny delicacies for shalosh seudos.)

    He began learning about heat lamps and buying materials to build his own warmer for when his eggs hatched.

    Before long, the first egg hatched! So exciting! But the tiny chick had a leg injury and couldn’t stand or sit upright.

    Ds12 was very anxious about this, and began building a special seat that would keep the chick upright and allow him to eat and drink without needing to move. He put the chick in the special warmer that night to make sure it would stay warm.

    In the morning, it was dead.

    The next day the second egg hatched. This one was totally healthy and looked great. Ds was so much more relaxed and enjoyed this baby chick. He taught it to eat and drink, held it throughout the day and put it in the warmer at night.

    Warmer, set up and wired by ds12

    He told me this quail was going to make it because it was doing so well.

    A day or two later, his older brother peeked in the warmer and noticed it wasn’t looking good. Ds12 rushed to take it out, and stroked it repeatedly, dipping its beak in water and food.

    Ds holding the baby quail next to the adult female hoping it would give it security and connection.

    It was looking stronger – and then moments later died in his hand.

    He was devastated and began sobbing.

    There have definitely been some lessons along the way, and I’m not going to wax poetic about them. It’s been hard.

    As a parent, my role has been to support his interest, then hold space for the feelings of overwhelm, discouragement and sadness that have come up. After the second chick died in his hands, he told me, crying, that he wasn’t going to raise any more birds if they were all going to die.

    I didn’t tell him it would all be okay or attempt to convince him of why it wasn’t a big deal. It was a very big deal for him. As a parent, it’s hard to see your child’s pain and you want to take it away. It comes from such a good place in us! But it invalidates a child’s experience to do that. Believe me, I so much wanted to reassure and soothe him.

    Then the next two quail eggs hatched. Again, one had a leg injury and one was healthy. After the first quail chick died, I read about how to help a baby quail do physical therapy and told ds about it, so he went out to find a cup that would be the right size for this. Even though the cup he bought wasn’t quite the right size, the chick is walking around much better.

    And this time, the two little chicks have not only warmth, light, food, water and conscientious care, but they have each other, and that makes a huge difference. (He thinks the second chick died of loneliness.) They are now six days old and both are doing well. Whew!

    (Edited to add: a few days after I wrote this, he left the chicks in the care of his brother for two days when he went to Jerusalem to do bar mitzva shopping. On the first afternoon he was gone, one of the chicks died. When he got home he bought a week old chicken chick to keep his quail chick company so he wouldn’t be lonely.

    A few days later, our dog got into the warmer – my son had closed the door to the room they were in but it hadn’t clicked shut. He found the chicken chick injured on the floor and the quail chick gone. We searched everywhere, and then I found it dead on the floor in a different room. I went to get my husband to give some emotional support to my son, who was very emotional. When I got upstairs again, my son told me in relief that the chick was alive but must have fainted from fright. The saga continues….)

    ******************

    Last week we got two more female ducks. I did this to improve the plight of the lone remaining female duck, who has the unenviable role of being the sole object of the male’s amorous attention. I’ve been looking to buy mature female Pekins, but without success. I spoke to someone who raises Pekins who suggested getting female muscovies to solve the problem, which are easy to find and a lot cheaper.

    The very next day my boys went to pick out a couple from someone local who sells them. So easy. And kind of ironic, since I was adamant I didn’t want muscovies! They have different benefits than the Pekins, which after a couple of months of having ducks, now seem more significant. (A big one: muscovies incubate their own eggs.)

    Ds11 has been telling me that he wants to raise some kind of animal (he asked about having a goat, to which I said absolutely not! – but hey, it’s good he felt he could ask!). Since via the unexpected refund for the first duck I ended up funding the quail for ds12, I offered these to ds11. He was quite pleased.

    As for why I got ducks to start with, I’ll have to write another post about that. But a nice perk is starting my day sitting outside, watching them. So relaxing!

    Avivah

  • Living your dream – take small steps in the direction of your vision

    Living your dream – take small steps in the direction of your vision

    This morning my husband and I took our kids to the Kineret (Sea of Galilee) for an early morning outing. It was so lovely. The sky, the air, the beautiful cranes swooping all around…glorious.

    At one point, I looked at my husband, who smiled at me and said: “We’re living the dream.” I nodded back, with a deep feeling of appreciation.

    What was he talking about?

    Over the years we’ve talked about our vision for our lives a lot. Our personal ideal includes my husband working from home and being able to take the boys to synagogue with him, learning with them first thing in the day, and being able to have time for family outings. For years I’ve taken the kids on trips but my husband has usually been away at work. We’ve dreamed of much more integrated family time.

    And now it’s happening.

    Since moving three months ago, my husband now works from home three days a week, and works in Jerusalem the other two days. That means he’s home five days a week.

    We’ve had corona restrictions in place that limited his ability to take the boys to shul (synagogue) until fairly recently. And now that piece, starting the day praying and learning together – something we’ve wanted for years! – is beginning to happen.

    At dinner last night, I suggested we plan small outings that we can put into our regular schedule. We are blessed to live a very short drive from the Kineret (thank You, Hashem!!!), so we talked about going for just an hour. That would make it something we could easily integrate on a regular basis.

    Two thumbs up – having fun!

    This was our first time out as a family, and it showed us that it’s completely doable. My husband was able to start working by 10 am, and worked later in the day to offset the late start. We hope to do this once a week now!

    Ds11

    Sometimes we make our dreams and visions so big and complicated that they can’t happen. My experience is that by moving towards what I want and taking small steps in that direction, life keeps getting better and better.

    Avivah