Category Archives: miscellaneous

Getting ready for Thanksgiving

menu plans, miscellaneous

We’ll be going to our monthly homeschool group activity this afternoon and will get home just in time to get ready for dinner, so I wanted to use part of the morning to get a good start on our Thanksgiving preparations this morning.  Our menu so far is:

  • roast turkey
  • cornbread stuffing balls
  • mashed potatoes
  • roasted yams
  • cranberry sauce
  • salad
  • sauteed green beans and matchstick carrots
  • pumpkin pies
  • brownies

So far, we have 5 pans of brownies finished (courtesy of dd10 and ds8, and when I went into the kitchen I discovered that as I was writing this, ds3 took a small pinch out of the top of four of them;)), pumpkin pie filling made for several pies (ds11), flour ground and ready to start the pie crusts, a pot of potatoes boiling (ds8 peeled them all) and two 14-lb turkeys stuffed and basted (I’ll roast them when I get back).  My mom is bringing the stuffing and yams so when we get home we just have to make the crusts and bake the pies, prepare the mashed potatoes, and make the vegetable side dishes.  I’ll do the salad tomorrow so it will be fresh.  Later tonight I’ll also do some preparations for Shabbos so that Friday can be a pleasant day instead of rushing around. 

Every year that we’ve been doing this I’ve had a slightly ambivalent feeling about all of these Thanksgiving preparations, since we do this mostly because it’s important to my in-laws.  (To be clear: I think having an annual day to consciously express gratitude is a beautiful idea, and I’m not in any way opposed to Thanksgiving.   But I grew up having Thanksgiving weekend rather than one day and that would be my preference if it were up to me.) But it’s a lot of work for me and of course there are the usual Shabbos preparations to do for the next day.  The first year or two I grappled with some feelings of resentment that I was doing something I didn’t really want to do for the sake of others and didn’t feel much appreciation, which is obviously not a very positive mindset.  I moved towards accepting it as something nice that I can do for my in-laws, which was much more positive and allowed me to smile at them when serving and cleaning up and really feel the smiles!   However, this year I realized that a higher level would be to embrace it rather than just accept it.  Every opportunity to create family rituals and memories is something to appreciate and use to your advantage as a parent, and realizing that this is something for me and my family as much as for them is very helpful in having an even more cheerful perspective about all of the effort involved.  It’s an opportunity for our children to be with their grandparents creating shared memories, something I never did with my grandparents since they lived so far away.   

Meanwhile, it’s dd15’s birthday in a few days and when we prepared the envelope to send her birthday cards to her, we found that all of the cards that were laboriously created over three weeks ago (so it would get to her in time for her birthday) were accidentally put in recycling.  🙁 🙁  So right now, the older four kids are preparing new cards for her, something totally different than what they did before.  They told me they recorded themselves showing her the original cards on dd’s camera, so maybe we can get a cd made to mail to dd so she’ll see those as well.  I’m so disappointed because everything was done three weeks ago in time for the party we held to record for her, and now after all of our advance planning, she’s not going to get anything in time for her birthday.  And even worse, her dorm closes for Chanuka so everything that is mailed at this point will arrive after Chanuka, so nothing will get to her in time for her birthday. 🙁  Even the present we sent with a classmate’s mother that I was sure would be given to her personally on the second day of Chanuka (a day after her birthday) is in question, since the mother won’t be visiting the school with the dorm being closed.  Dd15 is the one who makes all the birthday cards and cakes for everyone else in our family (even in her dorm now she does a lot of that for other girls!) and it was especially important to me that she know how much we were thinking of her on her birthday.  Ds17 called me to get her address since he wanted to send her a letter for her birthday, so hopefully that will arrive in time.  It just goes to show that the best of plans can be waylaid.

Well, we better eat some lunch so we can get everyone out and ready for our homeschool meeting on time!

Avivah

A general update

miscellaneous

I’ve been trying to limit my time online and get more sleep so I haven’t been posting much  recently.  So I’ll do a miscellaneous ’roundup’ to kind of catch you up on the general goings on.

Yesterday was my birthday, and my family surprised me with special desserts and a special vegetable plate that spelled out Mommy – it was really creative and nice looking!  Through the course of the day they ‘Happy Birthday’ to me three times – and each time took a while since they did the whole version (‘how old are you now?  Not 1, not 2…..)  Dh had everyone think in advance of something nice to say about what they appreciated about me – this is something I usually do with the kids on the spot when we have family birthday parties, and at the last party dh suggested that it might be easier for the kids to come up with something meaningful if given some time to think about it beforehand.  Getting a little older, and hopefully a little better….

The last birthday party was the one we made a couple of weeks ago for dd15 (almost 16).   Even though she’s in Israel until June, we still wanted to celebrate her birthday.  Her birthday is actually after mine but we had her party early so we could video it; she’ll hopefully receive the recording in time to watch it on her computer on her birthday (at the end of the month).  We didn’t bother with a special dinner but did make her a special ice cream cake and everyone sang while it was brought in for her and placed in front of her (the camera screen :)).   Unfortunately the battery went out before we could record everyone saying something they appreciated about her, so I wrote it down and will send it to her with the disc and some family pictures to help her remember what we look like. 🙂 The mother of one of her classmates is going to visit for Chanuka and was able to take a small package for her, so we were able to send her a birthday present that she’ll get about the time of her birthday. 

Since the food situation isn’t really great at her school, she requested that we make her some dehydrated food.  (She asked me if it were possible for me to can biscuits for her – had to tell her no to that idea!)  It seems the standard fare served is lots of carbs and not many healthy fats, so the girls never feel full.  But they do have access to hot water.  I made a large pot (10 quarts) of split pea soup, a pot of meat chili, and chicken lentil stew.  I also made her a pot of brown rice.  I dehydrated everything (to do this I made my dehydrator fleishig) – it’s always amazing to see how compact this becomes.  The split pea soup probably came out to about six cups or less – we blended the dehydrated split pea soup so that it was totally powdered; it should rehydrate easily when she adds hot water, and I hope the chili and chicken dish rehydrate well even though they weren’t blended into powder.   

I also sent her some candied ginger (good for nausea, and yummy, too!) and some chia seeds.  Chia seeds expand to several times their size when mixed with a liquid and left to sit for about ten minutes.  I told her she could add 2 – 3 tablespoons to milk and add a little xylitol (she took some along with her after reading a comment someone left here that it was a good lice preventative :), and she told me all her friends like it, too!) and after letting it sit for about ten minutes, it will be like pudding and should be a reasonably filling breakfast.  I had to keep everything under 5 lb so I could only send a small part of what I made (two cups of each of the stews, and no rice), but at the very least she’ll know we thought of her and feel loved – and really, that’s the most important thing. 

I thought it was particularly ironic that the same week that dd15 told me how much she missed our food, dd14 and ds11 told me that they would appreciate if we could make some adaptations to what we eat that will make our meals more appreciated by them.  That’s a nice way of saying they politely complained.  I asked them what they would like to change and how those changes could be implemented.  The main suggestion that I agreed to was to spend less energy on lunch and dinner, keeping them as simple as possible.  That way, the saved energy could be spent on dinner preparations, so that meal would feel more special to them.  I told them I’m happy to make whatever they want but they have to let me know what that is, and the meals have to meet my idea of decent nutrition.  The changes haven’t been major (if we add a large fresh salad to our regular dinner it makes them very happy) but they’ve been pleased with it. 

On the menu planning front, I’ve shifted to simpler meal plans and haven’t been sharing since I’m making less variety than  have in the past, so I didn’t want to bore you.   I’ll try to post about the general guidelines of what we’re doing sometimes soon in a different post, though.  Dd14 has asked that her morning chore be making breakfast, so I give her free reign and she likes having the freedom to do what she wants. She doesn’t always stick with my guidelines but that’s okay. 

Despite being hungry, dd15 is doing great and having a wonderful time.  She fortunately has a blog that we all read for regular updates of what is going on at school. We miss her a lot and I’m appreciative that Skype allows us to see her and for her to see us, particularly the littles, who are growing so fast.    They wouldn’t be able to get much of a sense of connection via the phone but seeing her face appear on the computer screen in front of her definitely helps them feel more connected to her.  Ds4 regularly tells me how much he misses her.  

Ds17 is also doing great and will be coming home for a visit in three weeks.  I was hoping we’d have more time with him but it looks like a week is all the time they’ll be off.  Last night my mom asked about them coming for Friday night dinner that week, but I told her that we’re not having anyone over while he’s here.  I would have been happy to have her when it was just her, but now that she’s remarried, it’s different.  For starters, our family enjoys singing together and we can’t do that when guests are here. 

On the homeschooling front, things have been very busy.  The kids are all busy with lots of good things, but I’m kind of ambivalent about it all – it’s becoming a big effort to carve out time when everyone is home to relax together.  I don’t think I’m going to change the schedule now, as much as I would love to tell everyone that they have to drop all of their out of the house activities!  They’re of enough value that I’ll bear the discomfort of feeling too busy.  But next year I’ll definitely be thinking about all of this before making similar commitments. For those of you with younger children, enjoy this peaceful time!

Avivah

Thoughts on trick-or-treating

miscellaneous, parenting

Yesterday I had some trick or treaters come knocking in the afternoon, the first to ever come in the four plus years I’ve been living in this house.  My block has very few kids so I guess that’s why I suppose we don’t attract many young children trick or treating.  When I lived in a neighborhood where children frequently knocked on Halloween, I tried to have something to give them, but it isn’t something I do anymore since it hasn’t been necessary!   So when my ds11 answered the door yesterday, he had to tell them we didn’t have anything.

Now I have to tell you that I think trick or treating is an obnoxious activity.  It encourages selfishness, greediness, and attitude of entitlement – and I saw all of that in the response I overheard.  The older of the two children (age about 11 – 12) shouted at ds, “Oh, come on!”  As if they deserved something.  I really dislike when people think they deserve something for doing nothing.  You don’t deserve anything unless you do something to earn it; if someone out of their goodwill wants to give someone something, that’s coming from the goodness of their heart, and children need to be taught by their parents before they knock on the very first door that they need to be appreciative for what they get. 

That’s why I don’t really fault the child for his response – it reflected the lack of guidance and parenting from the adults in his life.   Parents are doing their children a huge disservice to let them believe that it’s acceptable to grab what they can for the day and rush to grab from the next person, just because everyone else is doing it.  This attitude of entitlement harms children and leads to the same kind of thinking in adults. 

Children today are so incredibly entitled,  and a big part of that is there are very few adult expectations of them to give or share with others.  Someone I hadn’t yet met stopped me last week at co-op when I was outside with the boys to tell me what wonderful children I have.  I had never met her so it obviously wasn’t about me!  Why was she so effusive about my children?  Because she had subbed for a class that my ds11 was in, and when he saw her carrying in some boxes, he stopped what he was doing to help her bring them in.  And, she emphasized, not one other adult or child even asked if she needed help.  She was very impressed by ds, but why should something like this be so unusual?  It shouldn’t.  But it is because parents are missing the opportunities to teach their children to think about others.

Kids have so few opportunities to give and are basically taking all the time – we don’t teach kids to do for others by telling them it’s okay to focus on what they want and make demands of others.  I know Halloween is only once a year, but the attitude that permeates the day reflects much more than that.  Parents need to look for opportunities to build character, and Halloween could be an incredible day of fun for everyone if children were taught to focus on making those they encountered happy (eg by showing their costumes or being sure to smile sincerely and say a sincere thank you).

Avivah

More on teens and planning for the future

miscellaneous, parenting

With so many interesting comments from my recent post on teens and financial planning, I needed another post to respond to them!

>>A degree is no guarantee that you are going to make a good living. Do you know how many teaching jobs in the frum world I was turned down for because 1. I had a degree 2. they felt bad paying a married woman with a degree so little!<<

I don’t believe that there are any guarantees in life, but I do think that we can make good choices that would set us up in the best possible way.  I don’t believe a degree by itself is of much value.   Some degrees are much more valuable than others.  Whatever path one pursues, it’s critical that it be part of a conscious plan.  I wouldn’t support just any career that a child wants to pursue.  For example, teaching is a low pay profession, so I’d have to do some research to appropriately redirect a child with strengths in that area to a field where he/she could use those strengths and be appropriately renumerated.  There are some fields that are flooded by capable and well-trained individuals, and there are fields that could easily be outsourced to cheaper labor in India or China – these are additional concerns to the financial reward issue that we keep in mind when we discuss careers.

>>The reason why we landed in debt is not because of lack of education but the literal forcing down his throat about budgeting and therefore he just wanted to break free and not be so frugal.<<

It’s not uncommon for people to go from one extreme to another.  As a frugal parent, I’ve felt it important that frugality not be seen as an exercise in deprivation but rather as a way to achieve one’s goals while living within the constraints of your current reality.  A good education or vocational training can’t overcome a lack of discipline with regards to spending.

>>Most of the young men getting married are marrying girls who will work . They do get some parental help too. I happen to not go for full parental support but to help the young couple.<<

I know this is true but this isn’t the kind of ‘planning’ that I support, and therefore in my opinion, marrying someone capable of bringing in a good income doesn’t obviate the need to develop one’s own skills and abilities.  (By the way, this is true for girls or boys – I don’t support girls not developing their abilities because they hope to get married young and not need to work.)  Nor do I support those who plan to marry women who have parents who are willing to generously support the young couple.  There is a tremendous character development and maturation opportunity that is totally missed when young men voluntarily choose not to take responsibility for a primary part of their lives.

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve made it very clear to my children that if they’re old enough to get married, they’re old enough to support themselves. Someone recently asked me if this was because I don’t have the resources to offer my married children significant financial help.  My answer was no, it’s not contingent on how much money I do or don’t have, and that I’ve told the kids that even when we’re blessed with much more money than we have today, this is our position.  I don’t want to handicap my children by bypassing the need for them to take responsibility for their own lives, and needing to handle finances is a major maturing factor.

>>My father has a BA and made a “good living” but we never had anything!My mother had to keep a super tight budget and work full time since we were little.<<

It’s not how much you make, but how much you keep that matters!  This is where financial management skills are important.

>>College/vocational training doesn’t have to be right out of highschool. There is no harm in going to college later should they need it.<<

Theoretically I don’t disagree.  But once children enter the picture, it gets more complicated.  My goal is to help my children develop a conscious plan for the future.  I know they want to get married fairly young and start families fairly soon after that.  If they are all committed to actively parenting their children and then decide they’d like to go to college while raising their children, where does it leave them?  Conflicted and overextended.  There will be bumps in the road for every person, but I’d like to help them avoid those that can easily be avoided with a little forethought.

>>I think it’s very brave of you to be sending your teens to a college campus but I don’t think that at their age I could have withstood all the pressures of it, especially while doing it alone, at such a young age.<<

To clarify, my kids will attend commuter colleges, not living in dorms. There is a very big difference in the campus atmosphere when there are no dorms or campus ‘life’ and everyone is just going for their classes and then heading back home.  As of now I’m planning for dd14 to start college classes next year with dd15 (they’ll both obviously be a year older then), and have them in the same classes (because of her age, dd14 will only be able to take a maximum of 2 per semester).

I’ve striven to raise my children to know who they are and be able to hold their own in different situations, and that includes the secular college environment.  But I wouldn’t put them in situations I don’t have confidence that they could handle.  The current experience of both dd15 and ds17 are bearing out our confidence in them as they handle challenging social situations while far away from home, skills that will continue to come in handy as they encounter more and more of the adult world.

>>You could get a profession by taking a good vocational course. College isn’t everything. Also needs to have a good head on his shoulders. You can have the best college degree and then blow your money or not be able to hold down a job.<<

I used to think that vocational schools offered good alternatives to college, until a year or two ago when I checked out several vocational programs.  After all, why should someone spend all those years getting a college degree when in a year or two he can do a vocational program and come out being able to make a lot more money than most college graduates.  Right?

Not quite.  Let’s say someone wants to be an electrician or plumber – if he wants to be paid well, he needs to be at the master level to run his own business, which entails about seven years of school and apprenticeship.  And then the salary still isn’t fantastic – it’s highly dependent on him being able to start his own business.  Many people have the work skills but running your own business is another skill set altogether.  The programs tend to be very expensive, and I don’t remember if any of them offered federal financial aid that is generally available to qualified students at a college.  And the peer group is ….. not of the highest quality.  So we figured, once you have to spend all that time and money on your education, you might as well go to college.  Also, we didn’t feel that any of these professions matched the self-image ds17 had of himself and his future.  So even though he’s very good with his hands, can figure things out just by looking at them, and enjoys that kind of work, we (together with him) decided against vocational training for him.  But it can definitely be a great option when it matches someone’s interests and strengths.

I realize there are other vocational courses that are shorter term and don’t require this investment of time, but they don’t generally facilitate the earning capacity that I believe to be realistic in supporting a large family.

>>I think that if a man has a good work ethic and knows how to manage his money then everything could be fine.<<

These are very important, but without having marketable skills, it will be very challenging to find employment or to start one’s own business.

There were a lot more comments that were specific to the Orthodox world that I’ve often discussed in detail in person but feel that my blog isn’t the right place to do that, since many of my readers won’t understand what is being discussed.  (For example, why the girls schools are doing a much better job than the boys schools, where that’s coming from, and why I feel it’s problematic.)  Hopefully I responded in the past post to comments so you won’t feel that I ignored you, but if I didn’t, it was due to this constraint.

Avivah

My first doctor visit in a loooong time

miscellaneous

Some of you who have been reading here a long time might remember that in the past I periodically experienced difficulty with breathing, and that a couple of years ago I dealt with the issue effectively using herbs.  That ended my problem with cold air during the winter, but then a year ago when camping I suddenly was unable to breathe.  (That’s part of why we didn’t go camping this year; dh was worried about a repeat.)  Since then, I’ve had something similar but not as drastic happen twice, and we’ve realized it’s triggered by exposure to mold and dust spores that are stirred up when I do major cleaning and reorganizing in the basement or attic.

Since the last time there was a problem was the day before dd15 went to Israel about five weeks ago, I was careful for a while to stay out of the basement. But then I saw nothing was happening when I was down there even for extended periods of time, and forgot that the issue wasn’t being in the basement, but being there was detailed cleaning was being done.  So on Sunday I did some organizing, not real cleaning, but dd14 was doing the cleaning with me right there.  Since Sunday afternoon, I’ve been having increasing difficulty breathing.  I wasn’t really paying much attention to how I was feeling which is why I didn’t do anything like take vitamin c or herbs to head things off.  I thought it would pass out of my system in a couple of days and really didn’t expect it to get worse.  But it did.

This morning, I got into the car to take the littles to my inlaws, and then proceed to our weekly history class an hour away.  I wasn’t feeling great (this is a gross understatement :)) but I told myself that driving hardly took any effort and I’d have the older kids take the littles out at my inlaws house so that I wouldn’t have to do anything that would be an effort. But walking down the stairs from my room and to the car had winded me so much that I couldn’t get a breath.  I started wondering if I was being responsible to try to leave the house.  Dd14 saw me struggling to breathe and asked me if we should stay home. I told her it would be fine, it would just take me a few minutes to catch my breath.

After a couple of minutes, it became clear to me how serious the situation was.  I really needed help – and I didn’t have the physical capacity to get myself to the emergency room.  My inlaws are only ten minutes by car, but it felt much, much longer and the physical effort to drive was enormous; I kept telling myself I could make it.  While we were driving, I told my dd14 that when we got there, to get an inhaler from my father-in-law, and if he didn’t have one, to call Hatzala.  But not in that many words.  It was, (gasp), “Get (gasp) inhaler (gasp) or Hatzala.” (Hatzala is a private volunteer ambulance service in my community – they are super fast and competent.)

They called Hatzala but then my father-in-law came out with an inhaler, and after three puffs, I could breathe again.  I’ve never used anything like that before and couldn’t believe something so minor could help so fast, but I was so incredibly grateful that it did.  I didn’t think I would die or anything like that but I didn’t see how I could continue working so hard for every tiny bit of air.  I asked my father-in-law to cancel Hatzala because I didn’t want them to come for nothing, but they said it couldn’t be cancelled.  At that point I was able to breathe enough to walk so I went inside the house to wait for them.

The ambulance and three volunteers were there within five minutes, and I felt so embarrassed to make them come for nothing.  I told them I was fine and I was really sorry to have bothered them, but they told me they could still hear me wheezing from across the room and I didn’t sound fine at all.  They told me I needed to go to the hospital immediately but I really didn’t understand why, so I told them I thought that was overkill since I was basically okay.  But I agreed to go into the ambulance for further treatment.

While I was in the ambulance, they were talking to each other about the plan of action, obviously intending for me to hear them (and ambulance isn’t exactly spacious and people speaking in normal tones can easily be heard, lol).  “If we could make her realize she needs to go to a hospital, we would take her there immediately.”  So I pulled the inhaler thing out of my mouth and said to them, “I told you I would go to a doctor today to get this checked out, and if you really feel it needs to be a doctor at a hospital, that’s fine.  But don’t be patronizing since it isn’t appropriate.”  Then I explained that I wasn’t trying to be difficult, but I really didn’t understand the urgency and could they explain why they felt it was so pressing for me to go to the emergency room even after they gave me so much Albuterol.    So they did.

They explained to me that even after all of the treatment my oxygen saturation was very low and every part of my respiratory system was still blocked up, that there wasn’t one part that was clear.   They were afraid there would be a rebound effect and in a few hours all my symptoms would come right back unless I got further help.  So off we went to the emergency room.

I’ve taken kids to the emergency room three times in this city.  And it hasn’t been a positive experience since it involved lots of waiting until the child got help.  Now I was headed to that same emergency room that I already had a very negative impression of.  Combined with the fact that I haven’t needed to see a traditional medical doctor (except for normal pregnancy stuff) for over 18 years, I was feeling a bit apprehensive.   But once I decided to go, I chose to let go of all of that and just experience whatever would happen without any mental noise about it.

Because they put me on oxygen in the ambulance, I had to be taken into the hospital on a stretcher before being transferred to a wheelchair.  I didn’t bother protesting at that point, even though I felt guilty that someone healthy was getting priority at the emergency room.  I figured I might as well enjoy the experience so I could tell my kids all about it!  (When they took me off the oxygen, I asked if I could keep the mask so I could show it to the kids.)

Then they got me into a room and an attractive hospital gown :lol:, and hooked me up all over to wires.  (I later saved the five adhesive meditrace things that were stuck in different spots on  my upper body that five of the wires were attached to to show the kids, too.)  Everyone was really, really nice – the doctor, the nurse, and the aid.  And of course the ambulance volunteers.  They left once I was in my room.  I spent a few hours there getting treated and monitored and getting a chest xray and then getting more treatment.  It gave me lots of time to think positive thoughts.

Finally several hours later the doctor came in and told me I could be released, and then we went back and forth about if I needed steroids.  He was really, really nice.  He said I was right in the in between zone of getting or not getting them because of my specifics, and that a comment I made caused him think he should give me some.  So I asked him since it was my one comment had that effect, could I could possibly encourage him to change his mind in the other direction.  🙂  He jokingly said, “Sure, you can push me around however you want!”  And he agreed that I didn’t have to take them.

So now I have a prescription for an inhaler, which I hope to never need, but will be good to have on hand just in case.  I’m very grateful to the wonderful medical personnel who helped me today, and plan to send them all thank you cards tomorrow (I took note of everyone’s name badge :)).  At the same time, it’s clear to me that the approach is management of the problem, not looking at why I started being triggered by environmental allergens or how to address the underlying problem.  That’s okay with me.  It’s good to be clear on what to expect from who – I had a great experience today in the emergent care department because it was very clear what I would get and why, rather than being frustrated that they weren’t able to offer me something else.  I’m very aware that whatever was wrong that caused all of this is still there – the symptoms are gone but the core problem still exists.

My wonderful husband took the day off of work tomorrow so that I can rest up – I’ve been pretty tired since I couldn’t get much sleep the last couple of nights due to difficulty breathing.  I told him it really wasn’t necessary since I’m okay, but I so much appreciate that he cares about me so much.  And it really will be nice to have a chance to rest while he takes care of the kids and the house for the day!

Avivah

Finding inspiration for the holidays

miscellaneous, parenting

>>i know it is a crazy busy time, but i was wondering if you could address how to make the holidays more inspiring. i used to listen to Torah lectures on tape while i was cooking/baking/cleaning, but the kids found them really boring. My husband has tried giving the girls assignments and they have come up with some really powerful Torah insights, but i could tell they were feeling like it was drudgery rather than inspiration. i am so busy with the physical needs of every holiday (shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry, menus, etc etc) that i feel like the holidays have become about the trappings rather than the meanings. so, knowing your family, and knowing that your kids are genuinely inspired by what they do (at least the ones we know)- how do you set the stage for that??? any insights would be hugely appreciated! thanks so much!!!<<

Tonight, two different people asked me about how my Rosh Hashana was. The first asked if I had any special moments of inspiration, and the second asked how my davening (praying) was.  My answers were: a) I didn’t have any special moments of inspiration, and b) I didn’t do much praying.

On this Rosh Hashana, I can’t say I was reaching great spiritual heights in the way that it’s generally defined.  I was doing what I feel is what I’m meant to do at this stage in my life: to be there for my children, to keep my home running, and to keep the purpose of the day in mind as much as possible.  Although I do have a teenage daughter still at home, I feel this is her time in life to be in synagogue, so I don’t ask her to babysit so I can go to services.  I took the littles for the shofar blowing on both days and was happy to have been able to have done that.

For years I’ve tried to get inspired about this time of year and then felt guilty that I wasn’t on a spiritual high, that my faults were so huge and my desire to improve couldn’t possibly overcome that.  Accepting that I was doing the best that I could seemed like a cop-out.  But now I look at inner growth differently.  Guilt over my inadequacies doesn’t work to inspire me – it just leaves me feeling like there’s no point in trying to be better because I’ll never be good enough.

Growth for me is learning to let go of those well-intended expectations, and accept and love who I am, as I am right now.  I personally find it helpful to think about G-d as a parent who loves and cares about me, who wants to give me good things and knows I’m doing the best I can do – not to intimidate myself with thoughts of all the bad that might happen if I don’t get myself inspired.

I’ve had a challenging few weeks leading up to Rosh Hashana, time that was physically and emotionally taxing.  It was a time that I felt consciously aware that I was being stretched to be more, while making a conscious effort to stay cheerful in the face of pressures that in the past I would have been emotionally reactive to.  I felt it was a gift from G-d – both the challenge of this time as well as the help in growing from the challenges.  This stage has been personally inspiring for me, and whether it happened in synagogue on Rosh Hashana itself or not, or tidily lends itself to answering questions about my holiday experience, doesn’t really matter.

As far as how my children find inspiration, I honestly wonder about it myself!  Here’s something interesting dd14 did with the younger kids for Rosh Hashana – when making shaping the challah dough, they talked about the symbolism of round challahs.  Then they decorated each of the eight round challahs with a different design to correspond to their idea.  It was very interesting at the beginning of each meal to look at the challah and try to guess what the significance of the designs were – for example, one had a sun, a moon, and stars – after we tried to figure out the connection, they explained what their intent had been.

Practically speaking, I think it’s the sometimes the little things that happen in the environment that lead to a heightened sense of the specialness of the time of year.  I bought several new cds that I’ve been playing as much as possible – they are from Rutman Music.  One is tunes of the High Holidays, the other is a double cd set of the prayer service for the High Holidays.   The prices were great and there are wonderful full-length demos of the tunes that you can listen to on your computer.  Since I enjoy music, this was helpful to me in getting into the spirit and also is wonderful to have on in the background to enhance the atmosphere in the house .

Another getting into the spirit item was a gift we received from a friend- a set of homemade soap with a special Rosh Hashana theme of apples and honey.  Little things can really make a difference, particularly when they are visual and tactile – these were beautiful to look at and smell, and useful to boot!

Before each holiday, I make an effort to get reading material for the littles that is connected to it.  Often this is fiction related to the time of the year, not necessarily ‘learning’ kind of books.  That helps them get into the spirit of things.

And lastly, I find that I can enjoy the physical preparations as part of the holiday (rather than as an impediment to spirituality) when I leave enough time to do what needs to be done without rushing. I don’t feel apologetic for having the kids involved with cooking or cleaning – the physical preparations are an inherent part of this busy holiday season, and while I don’t consider it a substitute for any other kinds of preparation, I consider the holidays our primary homeschooling focus for this month!

Avivah

You thought I was what?

miscellaneous

Last night I received an email from someone inquiring about my interest in participating in her blog that discusses religion.  My instinct was not to – I’m quite happy with my religion and the meaning it brings me, and have no desire to debate, convince or even be contrasted with others responding about their religions.

Since I try to respect those making requests of me, I make an effort to check out their position before responding in a knee jerk manner.  When looking at the blog of the woman I received the request from, I found a list of upcoming topics and posters.  I  found it interesting and educational to note the wide variety of participants and their respective religions (I hadn’t heard of a womanist before).

Here’s the listing of the religions represented: Muslim, Catholic, Objectivist, Agnostic, Womanist, Pagan, Jewish, Druid, Atheist, Christian, and scheduled (tentatively, I assume) for October there I was……………………….

Buddhist.  😆

I couldn’t help but wonder what led to that categorization.

Avivah

Share your feedback about blog!

miscellaneous

Recently I’ve chosen to post more superficially and less frequently than I have in the past – I have so many things I’d like to share about, things that are more consequential than what I’ve been sharing about lately. I’ve missed posting about what is on my heart and mind, but I’ve had a lot of ambivalence about blogging recently. My concession is to post about things that don’t require as much mental energy from me.

I started this blog back in Aug. 2006 as a way to help young mothers who didn’t have any one in real life to turn to with parenting issues. I’ve been blessed with a lot of joy in arena of family life and wanted to help others experience it, too. Unlike most people who start a blog, I didn’t tell anyone I was blogging until two and a half years after I started, when friends said I should make my thoughts and experiences available to others, and I told them I already was, right here on the blog! It’s amazing to me how many of you have somehow found this blog despite my low key approach; the growth seems to be mostly through word of mouth and I appreciate that so many of you have shared my blog with friends.

I’ve expanded from the original topic of parenting – in response to new things I learned about and implemented as well as questions, I gradually shared more about frugality, homemaking, homeschooling, nutrition, preserving and growing our own food, and other topics. I’ve enjoyed having a way to share what we were doing and offering information that was of practical help, inspiration, or interest to others.

What has motivated me to use my limited time to write here for four years was the joy I got out of being able to share with all of you. People used to ask me what I did for ‘self time’, and I told them that’s what my blog was. Those of you who have taken time from your busy lives to share your feedback have been a big part of why I’ve posted as much as I have – no one wants to feel they’re writing to an empty audience! I’ve been touched by those of you who have told me the ways this blog has changed your perspective or life for the better, and this has been my main encouragement in continuing. But bit by bit the joy of blogging has been draining out and without that, I’ve been less motivated to share.

Why am I feeling like this? One big reason is I’m increasingly concerned that if something is inelegantly written or poorly expressed, something I write will be taken out of context or misunderstood. It takes a lot of time and energy to write for publication because ideas have to be so clearly fleshed out. My most recent published article took over three hours to write – a typical blog post takes less about an hour. The difference in time is clarifying and reclarifying the way something is expressed to avoid misunderstanding. But I’m already spending a significant amount of time blogging and clearly it would be a poor use of time to spend triple that to ensure every post is the quality of a published article! However, I’m reluctant to share about topics that are the most meaningful to me since I don’t want to be misunderstood and can’t spend hours composing every sentence for the small minority of readers who may take offense.

There are some other reasons, but the biggest one is that at this point I’m doing some serious reevaluating of where my life energies are being spent. I have to determine where my energy is best spent, and as enjoyable as blogging has for the most part been, I’m really questioning if this blog is of sufficient value that it continues to justify my time. Hundreds of you are reading here every day, and knowing the size of my readership are has always been very encouraging. But at this point I’d appreciate more direct feedback.

(Suddenly a recent event with the rabbi of our synagogue popped into mind. He started this synagogue almost a quarter of a century ago, and fairly recently decided to leave to go to another synagogue. Why would he leave something he had put so much of his heart and soul into establishing? Because he was putting in so much time and effort with so little feedback, and it was discouraging to the extreme to feel he was working on his own. People were happy to take what was offered but took what was offered for granted, and weren’t willing to engage in more participatory roles of giving. In the end, when the congregation realized what they’d be losing, there was an outpouring of support and commitments to be more involved, and the rabbi decided to stay. We tend to underestimate the importance of appreciation.)

If you’ve been reading here on a regular basis, I’d love to hear why you keep coming back. What have you gained? What do you most appreciate about this blog, and why?

In the next couple of weeks I plan to meet with advisers to get their advice and feedback on life direction/time investment. I’ll be keeping all feedback in mind as I determine what to do or not do. For those who are willing to share their thoughts here regarding the blog, I’d very much appreciate hearing them! (I’d rather that thoughts were shared in the comments section, but for those who prefer to contact me directly, you can email me at avivahwerner at yahoo dot com.)

Avivah

New ducklings and duck update

gardening, miscellaneous

A week ago I got a call from the post office that I had a special package waiting to be picked up – our new order of baby ducklings!

The lady at the post office was a little freaked out by it, and refused to let me open it in front of her (which you’re supposed to do so someone official will vouch that they’ve all survived transit).  It was so cute to hear the little cheeping coming from the box and open it and see them all eight of them healthy as could be (this was the minimum number I could order – usually the minimum is ten but I was able to get just 8 since it’s so warm now).  I ordered from Holderreads in OR since I heard very good things about the quality and health of their birds.  I was lucky to have called in time to place an order for the very last batch of ducklings available this year.

If you’ve been reading here a while and know that we incubated duck eggs a while back and hatched out three ducklings, you may be wondering what happened to those ducks!  As of now, those three ducks are reaching their adult size (they’re 6.5 weeks old now and are adult sized at 8 weeks).  I’m planning to take them to their new home in two or three weeks on a 27 acre farm where they will be able to free range with the other chickens, ducks, and geese that have a home there.  We wanted to wait to see the final development of feathers and growth, which is why we haven’t given them away yet – and after the entire incubation process and seeing them freshly hatched and every day since, you start to feel attached so we’re not rushing to give them away.

Ducks make such nice pets!  I know it might sound funny, but they’re fun to watch, easy to take care of, and they are relaxing to have around.  I enjoy sitting outside and watching them.  We kept them in a straw lined box the first few weeks during the day and night, then transferred them outside for the day and then finally outside for the night as well.  We didn’t do this until the yard was fenced, but now they free range (though they still love when we give them the duck feed once a day) throughout the day.  They also eat pesky bugs and slugs that you don’t want in your yard.

They do quack a lot at about 6 or 7 am, which is the main problem we have (since I don’t want my neighbors to be disturbed).  I thought it was because they got thirsty and needed to have their water refilled, but then we realized it wasn’t the water they were missing, but us!  Even though they have each other, they get lonely for us after a night with no company.  So I’m trying to preempt the noise by having someone go out early in the day to see them.  Otherwise they’re not especially loud.

As far as their droppings (in case you’re wondering about that!), it’s really not a big deal since they are waterfowl and their wastes are pretty liquidy.  So it’s quickly absorbed in the ground and we don’t have lots of smells or piles of fly attracting stuff around.  I think the main reason this isn’t a problem is because they have the entire yard – if they were confined to a small pen, it would be different.  When they were younger and in the box with straw every night (like the new ducklings are now), we’d use the ‘fertilized’ straw to mulch around the garden plants that weren’t yet fruiting.

If we like these ducks so much, why are we giving them away and why did I buy more?  It’s because I’d like to use the eggs from the ducks eventually – I’m not keeping them around just for the fun of it. I don’t know what kind of ducks I have, since I got the eggs via a friend of the person who raises ducks, and I don’t know what breeds she has.  I only know that she has a number of breeds and that the eggs could have been crosses of any of them.

I specifically want Welsh Harlequin ducks, since they are fantastic layers (comparable laying rate to the best chickens), very pretty, and have a number of other advantages.  (Here’s a site I found yesterday with more details, which sums up a lot of the benefits of Welsh Harlequins.) They’re not very common, and I couldn’t find anyone within a two hour radius who was selling any, so at the beginning of June I turned to Holderreads, a high quality hatchery, to aquire them.  Initially I was planning on Khaki Campbells, which are also top egg layers (along with Runner ducks, which my kids don’t like the look of) but then learned about the Welsh Harlequins, which are bred from the Khakis for their coloring distinctions and have all the same advantages but look nicer (in my opinion) and are calmer.  If I knew any of what we had were Khaki females, I would keep them.  But I don’t know anyone to ask about it, and I can’t figure it out on my own – the internet pictures aren’t enough and because they could be crosses of any number of breeds, it makes it impossible for someone inexperienced like me to work it out.  So buying ducks of the breed I wanted is what I decided to do.

I was planning to post pics of the new ducklings and older ducks, but my brand new camera that I never used has disappeared without a trace.  Sigh.  Such is the reality of life in a big family.  So I have to wait for dd to be around to use her camera.  So for now, here’s a link to the site where I bought our ducklings; you can see what the ducklings look like at the very bottom of the page. They are extremely cute!  When I have the use of a camera I’ll add some pics. (Edited to add pic below.)
Photobucket

I’m not planning to keep more than four of the eight ducklings, though if I had room and the zoning allowed it, I’d keep more.  Someone is interested in buying two and wants to come by tomorrow for them.  Due to an eye injury yesterday of one of the new ducklings, I’m not sure what I’ll do with the remaining two that I planned to sell.  I won’t sell one with an injury but I can’t sell them individually, since they’d be lonely without a companion.  I could always give them to the same farm where the older ducks are going, but I’d really like to offset the purchase cost by selling some.  I’ll have to see!

Avivah

2010 Torah Home Education Conference recap

homeschooling, miscellaneous

Things have been pretty busy this week but after spending months on planning and organizing the Torah Home Education conference, I wanted to at least share about how it went!

First of all was the shalosh seudos, which a number of families who came for Shabbos from out of state as well as those in Baltimore attended. I don’t know how many families or individuals came (maybe 60?), but it was so nice to see all the kids as well as their parents getting to know each other. I went over to the older and younger girls groups to introduce myself and make sure everyone else knew one another, and there were at least ten in each group (older – approx 13 – 16; younger – approx 7 – 10). That was a nice opportunity to meet some attendees with nowhere else to be and nothing competing for time and attention.

The conference was the next day, and started with a bang with Rabbi Daniel Lapin, bestselling author, radio talk show host, and nationally sought after speaker.  Following that were two simultaneous workshops; one was given by long time home educating parent Susan Lapin from WA, discussing the long term view, how her children, and areas that were successful and not as successful. The other was given by Chana Lazaroff, also a long term homeschooler  who has two sons with Down’s Syndrome, talking about special needs children across the spectrum and how to educate them according to their unique learning styles.

These workshops were followed by the second general session of the day, given by Rabbi Yosef Bentzion Bamberger, an experienced mechanech with over 30 years in the field who is a new home educating parent. He spoke about the challenges in the yeshivos and shared about his feeling that home education was a very valuable way to educate one’s child/ren.

Then there was a 90 minute lunch break during which some people left to check on kids or take care of other things, while most stayed on site to have lunch together and chat. I was glad to see the more in depth conversations people were able to have at this time, since social connection is a big part of the benefit of attending the conference.

After lunch, we reconvened for another set of simultaneous workshops – I spoke about specific ways to keep the costs of home education low, in addition to some philosophical points regarding the ability of parents to learn with their own children, rather than feel disempowered and as if they have to hire out learning to paid tutors/services. Yehudis Eagle (listmember from Baltimore) gave a talk about prayer and how to approach it as a home educator, which I enjoyed hearing afterwards (since I have the benefit of being able to listen to recordings right away :)). I particularly enjoyed hearing her speak about being inspired in tefilla/prayer by my now 11 year old son (he wasn’t named during the talk which I’m sure is what he would have preferred :)); hearing someone else’s perspective about your children helps you appreciate them even more.

Then we had another set of workshops: Malky Adler from Detroit spoke about dealing with feelings of separateness and isolation that occur when home educating without a local support network, which I think is an issue that is relevant even to those in a community where there are a decent number of other home educating families. Russell Hendel spoke about teaching Rashi, an approach he has put years of time and effort into developing.

Finally to close the conference, Rabbi Simcha Feuerman from NY spoke about home education and the Oral Tradition. Then I added an additional feature for those in MD – a workshop on the state laws and legal compliance given by veteran homeschooler Celia Greenberg, who used to run an umbrella program that many Orthodox area homeschoolers were registered through. About 40 minutes after officially calling the conference to a close, we had to leave since the building was closing! All in all the feedback to me was overwhelmingly positive, BH. A number of people told me they walked away feeling proud to be homeschoolers; one person told me that last year she was embarrassed at the thought of associating with homeschoolers, thinking they would be strange and weird. This year, she said, she feels proud to be one of the elite! Big change, isn’t it?! Others have told me they were considering home education but were very unsure and felt alone, but now they realize there are others doing it and so many resources that they feel much more confident about the option. Since a major goal in founding this conference was to put home education on the map of the frum community and put a proactive positive face on the presentation of homeschooling (since the general position is that people feel forced into a defensive posture on the topic), I’m delighted to hear that this goal is being achieved. The other goal was to build a stronger sense of community among home educating families, something I also think was achieved as kids of all ages and their parents from around the country got to know one another face to face. The internet is wonderful but there’s no substitute for personal, real-life connections.

All in all the feedback to me was overwhelmingly positive, BH.  A number of people told me they walked away feeling proud to be homeschoolers; one person told me that last year she was embarrassed at the thought of associating with homeschoolers, thinking they would be strange and weird.  This year, she said, she feels proud to be one of the elite!  Big change, isn’t it?!  Others have told me they were considering home education but were very unsure and felt alone, but now they realize there are others doing it and so many resources that they feel much more confident about the option.  Since a major goal in founding this conference was to put home education on the map of the Orthodox community and present a from a position of proactive positivity, rather than the typical defensive posture most people feel cornered into, I’m delighted to hear that this goal is being achieved.

The other goal was to build a stronger sense of community among Orthodox home educating families, something I also think was achieved as kids of all ages and their parents from around the country got to know one another face to face.  The internet is wonderful but there’s no substitute for personal, real-life connections.

I’ve been asked when cds of the talks will be available; the first set has been purchased but only because someone was in a rush to NJ and wanted to take them to a meeting of parents there discussing home education.  At the beginning of this week (Monday) I plan to officially make the talks available for those who couldn’t attend, or those who did but want to hear the messages and information again!

Avivah

PS – I’ll try to post some conference pics soon.