Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Changes in visitation

    At the committee meeting several months ago, it was decided that the twins will not be having visitation with their mother. It’s unclear what has to change in order for her to visit them again and no one will say how long this is for.

    I was initially dismayed to hear this, not knowing what precipitated the decision. I believe it’s important for the children to see their parents and it’s a serious thing to cut a child off from a parent.

    I was even more dismayed when I learned how problematic the supervised visitation with her has been, because I had no idea that was happening. I didn’t know until after after visitation was revoked, that the social worker who supervises visitation isn’t allowed to tell me anything about what goes on.

    I thought when they told me after each meeting that it was fine, that was actually the case.

    I was getting the kids back immediately after emotionally difficult visits with no warning or explanation of what went on, which is incredibly unfair to the children and to us.

    I’m sorry I can’t give them a more definite idea of how long it will be before they can see her again, because this undefined timeline is very hard for them.

    ——————

    Another decision was that the visitation with their father would be extended from supervised visits of one hour, to two hours.

    Now, a couple of months later, they’ve just authorized him to take the kids without supervision for the two hour visitation.

    I just brought the children home from this first ‘open’ visitation, as it’s called. It was an enjoyable time for them: he took them for pizza, ice cream, then to a store and bought them whatever they requested.

    They had a video call with a lot of family members (grandparents, aunts and cousins) they haven’t been in touch with for almost three and a half years. Their father said they’ll have another video call next time.

    I’m sure everyone was very excited to see the children, and it’s nice for them to know that there are so many people who care about them. But this is very problematic.

    And then, dd8 told me, their father told them that once he learns to take care of them, they’re going to come back to live with him.

    This is the kind of statement that wouldn’t have been allowed during supervised visitation. Several months ago I took dd8 for an urgent therapy appointment on erev Yom Kippur after her mother made a statement like this during the supervised visitation. It was very emotionally destabilizing.

    The supervising social worker at the time claimed it was fine based on what she was taught. Dd’s therapist was disturbed at how damaging what happened was, and was in touch with the therapist who did the training. That trainer said it was handled exactly the opposite of what she taught.

    The good thing that came out of that is that now the social worker has gotten correct guidance and other children won’t have to suffer from the wrong approach being used.

    It’s very confusing for the children to be told that they’re going to live somewhere else, because it takes away the security they currently feel in our home, knowing this is their place. Children don’t have a good sense of time, so while their father is speaking about something that may happen in years, for them that feels like they may be going to live with him any day.

    It turns out that the father was supposed to be given guidance on what was acceptable and what wasn’t. But that fell through the cracks and he was allowed to see the children without any supervision and without any discussion about the appropriate parameters being articulated.

    We’ll now need to deal with the fallout of this meeting, but I hope the boundaries will be clarified before future visits, to minimize the emotional stress on the children.

    Avivah

  • Creating holiday spirit in your home

    The winter holidays have been commercialized so much that for many, the focus is on gifts and any deeper meanings are buried.

    So what is it really supposed to be about?

    Take the time before a holiday begins to think, ‘What do I want this to be about for me and my family?’

    For us, we keep our holidays low key and family focused – our priority is on spending quality time with one another and honoring the meaning behind each holiday.

    For a few weeks before Chanuka, we begin playing holiday music throughout the day, every day. We hang Chanuka themed pictures up on the front door. (I do this for all of the major holidays.)

    Some years we’ve done more in the way of decorations – when my oldest daughter was living at home, she always did a great job with this and until the box the decorations were in was damaged by water, we continued hanging up her creations every year. It gives a nice feeling of holiday anticipation for everyone.

    At this point, all of our children are old enough to light their own menorahs. Next year, everyone will light outside with my husband and the older boys, but this year, the three youngest children lit inside. We had two rounds of singing the blessings and prayers together (one for the group outside, one for the group inside) after the lighting.

    Each of the eight nights, menorah lighting was followed with dancing together while singing more Chanuka songs.

    We make some special Chanuka foods over the week but not every single day. The three youngest boys had Chanuka activities in their school camp and that included Chanuka themed refreshments, and I didn’t want to overdo it by making more of them at home. At home with me, dd8 enjoyed her special time without any siblings around.

    We spent one afternoon preparing foods to take to take to our family Chanuka party in Jerusalem. The next day was the party itself. In attendance were all of our children, their spouses, granchildren, and my mother. It wasn’t an easy trip there and back, (we got home at 3 am) but it was worth it.

    One day I took the three youngest children to Tiberias buy a bike for ds9’s birthday (it was a week before Chanuka), and we participated in a Chanuka event in the area (bouncy houses, crafts, music and face painting). This kids enjoyed it, and while it would be possible to take them to Chanuka events more frequently, I find that less is more. A couple of hours at this one event was just the right amount of time for us all.

    Another day was spent travelling to get our new dog and bring her home.

    On the last night, my teens boys expressed a desire to have an activity night together with my husband and me after the younger kids were in bed. The younger kids are a very strong presence, and it was really nice to do things without them around.

    The five of us spent three hours piecing together a 500 piece puzzle and making doughnuts (filled with homemade vanilla pudding and topped with chocolate glaze).

    What about gifts? It’s so easy for presents to become a focus and an expectation – and a pressure. As I said above, less is more, and each parent has to see what the right balance is. To counter the ‘give me, give me, what did you get me?’ that children can develop when habituated to receiving lots of gifts, I’ve chosen to downplay gift giving at this stage.

    As a result, despite having purchased a number of family games in the three weeks prior to Chanuka, I decided not to give them on Chanuka but to spread them out over coming weeks. (If the boys hadn’t been in camp, we would have had time to play them together each day as was my original intent. )

    The only gifts we gave were fleecy winter pajamas for the youngest children on the first night. It was cute how excited they got about them simply because they were presented as a gift.

    It doesn’t take a lot of money or even a lot of time to create a warm atmosphere that your family looks forward to in years to come, and looks back on fondly. It does take some effort to clarify for yourself what you want your holiday to look like, and then take the actions that support your goal.

    Avivah

  • Why we got a new dog for the family

    I was telling my married son about a comment a teacher recently made to me at a PTA meeting, that I’m a person who likes to be busy, and how I emphatically denied that to her. He laughed and said, “What are you talking about? Of course that’s true! Every time I speak to you, there’s another project or activity you’re involved in.”

    I used to burn the candle at both ends when I was younger, so my current pace feels deliberate and slow. But I suppose others look at me and don’t think the same thing.

    Well, here’s my newest project:

    Fifteen minutes before my last dog was hit by a car, my husband presciently asked me something we had never discussed: “Do you think after Sheleg dies we’ll get another dog?”

    “Definitely not”, I assuredly pronounced. My husband commented, “Well, I don’t know. I think we could have another dog, maybe a small one.”

    I began thinking about if we would want another dog a few weeks later. I thought and thought and thought, thinking about why we would want a dog and what qualities it needed to be a good fit in our home.

    Then a month ago I began keeping my eye open for dogs being given away. There are so many dogs that need homes, and if possible, it’s best to adopt rather than buy.

    However, I spend a lot of energy in my day to day life dealing with children who have experienced trauma before coming to us, and I didn’t think I had emotional space to also deal with a traumatized dog.

    I looked for dogs being given away from private homes, with the thought that they’d have less trauma than a dog abandoned, abused and living in a shelter. Personality is the most important thing for me – I need a very calm dog that likes people, and is very safe around young children. Many dogs with a hard background are fearful and reactive, and that would be difficult for me to work with in our home.

    I wanted a dog that was already neutered or spayed, since according to Jewish law that’s not a surgery I can have done for them.

    I preferred a younger dog that could get used to us from the beginning.

    And lastly was the appearance. I don’t care about designer dogs, but I do care about having a dog that looks friendly so that people aren’t afraid when they see us on a walk (I live in an area where many people are very nervous about dogs).

    When I saw the above picture of a young dog that was already spayed, was friendly and was being given away by a private individual, I called.

    I didn’t immediately realize that the dog was actually in a shelter and I was speaking with the volunteer who privately posted her picture. If I had known, I would have right away said I wasn’t interested.

    I made an appointment to see her but after learning she was at a shelter, I felt like I was getting into something I knew I didn’t want to do, and was close to positive I wouldn’t take her. When I walked into the shelter and heard the cacaphonous barking of all the dogs richocheting all around me, and saw almost all of the dogs frantically leaping against their gates from their desire to interact with a person, I was sensorily overstimulated and even more sure that I didn’t want to proceed.

    However, I was already there and together with the vet, took her to the dog run next door. After ten minutes he left me alone with her. I observed her for quite a while, noticing how quickly she calmed down and how easygoing she seemed. I put on a leash and took her for several rounds of walking, each time showing her how to walk next to me. She learned fast.

    After an hour, contrary to all of my expectations and intentions, I thought that actually, she was a really good fit for our family.

    I returned to adopt her several days later, and Nala has been with us for several days now.

    ———————–

    My older kids have all asked me why I wanted to get a dog. They know that I agreed to the last dog because my preteen son, who really didn’t want to leave RBS when we planned to move to Yavneel, asked me if he could get a dog if we moved here.

    But now, no one is asking for a dog. And I live in a community in which dog ownership is unusual, to say the least. So why?

    The easy answer is that I have four children with special needs and having a dog will be therapeutic for them. And that’s completely true.

    But the real answer is deeper than that.

    As a child born in the seventies, I grew up with lots of time outdoors, interacting with people and the environment.

    The reality for kids today is so, so different from how I grew up. Most of their time is spent indoors and on devices.

    Times may have changed, but I’m doing my best to help my kids live like kids in the past. I want them to feel the sun on their faces and play outdoors for hours every day. I want authentic, real life experiences to be an integral part of their lives.

    It’s for this reason that I still have goats, even though it’s not frugal at all to have them – because I want my children to have the experiences associated with them.

    There are many lessons you can learn from having a pet, but more important to me than the lessons are the interactions that children have with a dog. At a time when a toy puppy that walks, runs and climbs is being advertised as the best holiday present for a child (“so real that even a vet can’t tell the difference”), I want my children to experience an animal that runs to and with them, that responds to them with genuine emotion.

    Yes, having a dog is an investment of time, effort and responsibility. But the interactions do something wonderful for the dog, and they do something wonderful for the children.

    And it’s not just for children. It’s good for adults, too.

    Nala is a different dog than Sheleg was. But as she’s laying curled on the floor resting next to my chair as I write, it feels very familiar, and very nice.

    Avivah

  • Teaching kids to get along

    One of my older sons mentioned that when visiting homes of friends for Shabbos, he’s noticed that a lot of the older siblings don’t like their younger siblings. That’s not the case in our home: when the older boys come home, the younger siblings run to welcome them like returning heroes.

    Seriously. I was outside in the parking lot with the kids one morning when my husband came home. The kids ran to greet him with their usual enthusiasm. My neighbor asked, “How long has he been gone?” I told her, he just went to shul. She laughed, since she thought from their greeting that he had been gone for a much longer period of time.

    When kids don’t get along, many parents feel like this is how it is, throwing up their hands in frustration and wistfully saying, “What can you do?” when their children are unkind to one another.

    I believe that you have to teach your children to get along. Our children of all ages get along well, and while people will think it’s all luck that they enjoy one another, I can assure you it didn’t just happen. We have a lot of personalities in our family, and they aren’t all naturally compatible with one another. Sometimes siblings click and sometimes they don’t, but as a parent you can help them learn to interact with one another kindly.

    I expect everyone in our family to be kind and respectful to one another, and with the younger children I facilitate and model and give them the right words and then have them redo interactions on a daily basis.

    But what about once they’re older?

    This brings to mind an interaction I actively mediated a year or two ago with two of my teen sons. My three teens (16.5, 18, 19.5) overall get along really well. They enjoy spending time together: working, learning, hiking, biking, sports – everything. It’s amazing that they have each other. But naturally, sometimes there is conflict.

    One afternoon they had a disagreement. At some point, I noticed they weren’t moving beyond it. They were getting increasingly upset and then moved on to actually being angry with the other. This is very unusual and at this age I rarely get involved beyond an occasional comment or suggestion because they’re able to work things out fairly quickly with each other. But I saw they were too upset to process my suggestion.

    At that point I got actively involved. I told them we were all going to sit down together and no one was moving until they could speak respectfully to one another. The guidelines I gave them were: each one needed to listen to the other express his point without interrupting, then repeat over what he heard shared. The first person needed to agree on the accuracy and feel that he had been heard, before the next person could say his opinion. And the first person then needed to listen and reflect back to the second person what he heard.

    There was so much emotion that this wasn’t easy at all. I could have let it go and as it continued, it was so intense that part of me wanted to let it go, but I saw that if it wasn’t dealt with, they would both have lingering resentment toward the other one. Resentment doesn’t go away; it gets pushed down and then comes bursting out unexpectedly over minor issues.

    I don’t remember how long we sat there – it was at least an hour, probably closer to an hour and a half. Me, stopping them when they said something that sounded hostile or judgemental, asking them to rephrase, and let’s try again and again. Eventually, the emotions subsided and they walked away having respectfully communicated about a hot topic.

    I can’t say they enjoyed my intervention, but they appreciated it. Sometimes your children need your help to work through things even when they get older.

    Certainly when children are younger they need a lot of help expressing their emotions appropriately.

    Here’s an example of what this looks like around here. Dd8 is fast to scream and lash out physically if something upsets her; she accelerates from 0 – 60 very quickly. It’s not enough to say, “Don’t do that.” Kids need to know what to do, and how to do it. So I’ll say something like, “You sound really upset.”

    Her: “He touched my book!”

    Me: “You are so upset he touched your book.”

    Her: “It’s not his book, it’s mine and he didn’t ask me!”

    Me: “You’re right, it’s your book. (Pause) It doesn’t look like it feels good for him when you yell at him.”

    Turning attention to sibling: “I see you look upset/sad and it didn’t feel good for you when she yelled at you. Do you want to tell her, “I don’t like when you yell at me”?

    Him: “I don’t like when you yell at me.”

    Me to her: How can you tell him what you want without yelling or hitting him?”

    Her: (Shrug or she might have an appropriate suggestion. If she has a way to say it appropriately, she says it now. If she doesn’t, I give her the words now.)

    Me: Do you think you can say, “Please don’t touch my book” in a quieter voice?

    Her: Please don’t touch my book.

    Me: Good for you for speaking nicely! Now your brother can listen to you. Do you think it would make him feel better if you said you’re sorry for yelling at him?” (She says, “I’m sorry I yelled at you”, he says he forgives her, and they go off and play together.)

    It’s best when there’s an initial validation of the emotion the child is feeling before moving to correction. I don’t want them to feel shamed because of their reaction; I want them to learn there’s a more effective way to interact when they are upset.

    Creating a respectful and kind home is a process. Modeling is SO important. If I tell them that in our house we are kind to one another, but I yell at them all the time, then what I say wouldn’t be matter as much to them because they would see my hypocrisy. There has to be a consistent message. Consistent doesn’t mean perfect. You can and will make mistakes but the overall direction is towards being respectful and kind.

    Even children who are very different and seemingly non-compatible can be taught to be respectful and kind to one another. It’s a good skill for life: you’re not always going to like the people you’re with, but you can still be respectful.

    (There are other important points to consider when siblings don’t get along like paying attention to why they aren’t getting along, and addressing that. Perhaps one is threatened by the attention or special treatment the other gets, maybe one is displacing the negativity he experiences onto another. There are lots of possibilities, and these are important to address.)

    Avivah

  • Helping the twins process that this is their home and we are their parents

    In the last visitation the twins had with their mother, a very short conversation resulted in a lot of emotional turmoil.

    The kids came home from visitation, and as I was putting dd8 to sleep, she told me she’s going to live with her mother.

    “Hmm…who said you’re going to live with Ima?” I responded.

    “Ima. She said when we get bigger we’re going to live with her.”

    Oh. One of the things that supervised visitation is supposed to prevent is something like this. I explained that when they are very big, big enough to get married and live by themselves, maybe they will live with Ima. Maybe not. But in any case, not for a long, long, long time.

    They then asked somewhat accusingly me why I took them away from their short term foster carers. For the first time, I explained that they were taken from their parents because they didn’t know how to take care of them, and then this couple took care of them while the social workers looked for a family for them.

    “But she wasn’t our mother?” “No, she was a very nice lady who cared about you very much and took good care of you, but she wasn’t your mother.”

    I thought I had been clear. But then I got a call from dd’s principal the next morning, asking if we were moving.

    “No, why?” “Because dd8 announced to her entire class that she is moving to Kiryat Shmonah, and then came to my office to tell me.”

    Oy. I explained the situation to the principal, and then called the supervising social worker at the visitation center to ask exactly what had been said by their mother.

    She told me that the mother told the kids that she had to prove herself still, but when they get older they’re hopefully going to live with her and their father (in separate homes). She told them right now her home isn’t big enough but she’ll get a bigger place and then asked them to describe the kind of decorations they’ll put in their rooms.

    After that, ds8 told her, “I don’t want to live with Mommy (me)!” “Why not?” the social worker and mother asked.

    “Because I want a Spiderman bedroom!”

    I told the social worker that the kids don’t understand time and this conversation had been deeply unsettling for them, since they think the move is imminent. She told me the mother didn’t say anything wrong, she didn’t promise, she told them ‘hopefully’ they’ll live with her when they get bigger, and the kids need to know that they might not stay with us forever.

    Save me from well-intentioned social workers who know not what they do! This conversation should have been stopped immediately, but she didn’t know. This is her first time working at a visitation center, and unfortunately, this conversation dramatically eroded the security the kids feel living in our home, feeling this is their home.

    When dd8 came home from school, I reminded her that Ima said they would live with her when they were big. She told me that she was already big. (She’s right – she’s a day bigger than the night before.) I told her that Ima needs to learn how to take care of them, and she reassured me that Ima learned how to do that.

    At this same meeting, ds8 once again was chastised for referring to me as ‘his other Ima’. She told him he can’t call me that because I’m not his Ima; I’m his Mommy.

    This is hard for him to understand. In our home we speak English and he calls me Mommy, but he was translating to Hebrew since he was with Hebrew speakers, and Mommy translates to Ima. So he understood from this that I’m not his parent.

    This necessitated another conversation about who am I to them. I explained they have two mothers, me and their mother. I explained what a mother does, and what makes someone a mother. I explained why their temporary foster carers were not their parents, even though they cared about them very much.

    The next day, dd8 commented, with no intent to be offensive or hurtful, but just in a way that she was clarifying for herself, “So you’re just the lady who takes care of us.”

    In their minds, they now no longer have a stable home and I’m not their mother.

    The day before I had told dd8’s therapist that we would take a break until after the holidays, but this was so urgent that I asked her if we could have a session on erev Yom Kippur to help dd understand and process these issues. It was so urgent that her therapist agreed.

    I am so, so grateful for this therapist. She is wonderful. She told me she can’t force dd to talk about something if she doesn’t want to, and has to wait for her to bring it up. I asked if it was okay if when I dropped her off, if I mentioned to her that dd had visitation with her mother and her mother said she would be living with her. She agreed that would be fine, and we hoped that would create a lead-in to help dd with this issue.

    She called me in at the end of the session to show me dd8’s new baby. She explained that she (the therapist, playing a role) had a baby she couldn’t take care of even though she loved her so much, and she had to find a new mother to take care of her baby. Dd8 is the new mother.

    When we ate breakfast together today, dd8 asked me if I remember the name of her doll (the one at her therapist), then we talked about if her doll was sad to leave her first mother. She said no, and I told her that the mother was sad when she couldn’t keep her child, and the child also feels sad.

    Then we talked about if there were other emotions the baby might feel. We segued into how dd felt when she was removed from her home, and talked about if it was scary when the policemen came to take them away. My husband walked in during this conversation, and we shared with him what we were discussing.

    Later in the day she went with my husband to do an errand, and they spoke about this topic while they were out. On the spot, my husband made up a song to the tune of a popular children’s song, and here is the song:

    • Hashem gave us two presents
    • Do you know who they were?
    • (Name) and (name)
    • He gave us him and her.
    • He asked some other people
    • “Do you want these gifts of mine?”
    • But they said “No, thank you, for children we’ve no time.”
    • Then to Mommy and Daddy
    • (Name of our social worker) did go
    • They said, “Oh they sound so cute, we will love them so!”
    • Then to Mommy and Daddy
    • (Our social worker) did go
    • They said, “Oh, they sound so cute, we will help them grow.”

    It’s an ongoing conversation with them both. We want them to know it’s okay to miss their parents, it’s okay to have mixed feelings and wish they could live with them (they told me they don’t want to live here, they want to live with their mother), it’s okay to be sad or angry or whatever else they are feeling.

    We don’t want them to feel they have to keep it all inside, push down those feelings and put on a happy face. This is part of their lives and they need to have a space to talk about it and have a space to talk about those hard emotions.

    I spoke to two therapists about this, and both were disturbed that the conversation had been handled at the visitation as it was. Dd’s therapist will be calling her to discuss it, and the other therapist has been in touch with our social worker to begin the process of creating the official narrative about why they left and the process of moving here with all of the adults, so that the children will hear the same version from everyone, instead of each adult explaining it in their own way. Then this narrative that is shared with others, like teachers, and it will help create consistency for the kids.

    So in the end, good things are coming from this topic coming up in the way it did.

    Avivah

  • Rosh Hashana and beyond….hard reckonings

    What a draining holiday I’ve just had.

    Even though the week preceding Rosh Hashana I was away for a few days to be with my daughter who had a baby, I still managed to have everything ready for Rosh Hashana without any pressure or rushing. It felt like an accomplishment.

    But the child care front is a different matter completely. Ds8 is in a new school and really likes it. I’m so grateful because last year wasn’t a good fit for him and it was a very hard year. The first week at his new school he had short school days, and then for the next two weeks he had a full day, coming home late in the afternoon.

    This longer day is what I was told before they came would be their schedule, but it never has been until now. Having some time without him home in the afternoon has been a gift and I love it! It gives me one on one time with ds8.5 and dd8 and the house is so much calmer, I’m more relaxed and able to enjoy being a mother. Him coming home later is also what made it possible for me to leave for a couple of days at a time to be with my married daughter and grandchildren.

    However, almost immediately after attending for the longer days, his behavior became dramatically worse. Really, really worse. As in, the difficulty of last year when he was regressing seems like nothing compared to what I’m seeing now – I can hardly remember what felt hard then.

    All through Rosh Hashana, I thought and thought about the impossibility of the situation. Since he’s spent so much time with us, he’s had dramatic improvements that have made it possible for him to rise above what was expected of him. When he has extensive time at home, he’s overall a sweet and loving boy, albeit one who needs constant oversight.

    However, he can’t be home all the time, and I don’t want him home all the time. The lack of that extended time at home means he’s not able to regulate himself and he has become difficult to live with. So I find us in a catch 22 situation that I don’t see a resolution for.

    It’s scary to see how fast his behavior changed, and how bad it’s gotten in just three weeks. Obviously something isn’t working for him internally, and he’s acting it out.

    My biggest concern is his behavior towards ds8.5, sometimes being verbally and physically aggressive towards him. I have absolutely no tolerance for that. Every person in this family needs to be safe and feel safe. That’s foundational to how our home functions.

    I mentioned to someone on the first day of Rosh Hashana that he had been very disrespectful and physically aggressive. She told me, “You think my kids are perfect? They also hit each other and don’t speak nicely.” I’m really not talking about the same kind of thing.

    His reactions to someone saying ‘no’ or stopping him from doing what he wants are extreme – screaming with fury through clenched teeth while physically lashing out at whoever is near him.

    Then there’s the verbal aggression that comes right after he stops screaming, spewing the most angry words he can think of.

    I should be grateful that since we speak pretty nicely around here, the worst he can yell at me is: “Get away from me! Stop it. Stop it! Don’t touch me. Be quiet. Stop talking. Stop talking. Don’t talk to me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t touch me. I can do what I want. You can’t tell me what to do. Stinky mommy. I’m in charge of myself. I’m going to do whatever I want. I can do whatever I want.”

    While he’s yelling, his body gets as stiff as a board and then he stops talking and starts having what looks like an autistic meltdown (but it’s not). I was sitting across the table from my husband one of the times this happened and as he held ds on his lap I saw the worry in my husband’s eyes at how extreme ds8’s behaviors were.

    Finally (we’re always holding him on our laps at this point) he stops, kind of sags and puts his head against our chests and gets quiet and calm. Then when he starts to talk again, for up to an hour afterward, he speaks in a babyish voice with babyish movements.

    This is much worse than the behavior he had even when he first arrived, and I felt so disheartened that after two and a half years of so much love and guidance for him, that we’re behind where we began. It’s also hard to feel warmth or compassion towards him when he acts like this, even when the cycle ends.

    I’ve been concerned about the affect it’s having on ds8.5, who was so scared seeing this behavior that he spent hours on Rosh Hashana secluded in his room, not joining us at all for one of the meals. I took steps right away to address this and fortunately ds8.5 seems to be regrouping really well.

    It’s been really hard dealing with ds8, but just as hard dealing with my thoughts – turning and turning the situation around, looking at it from all directions, wracking my brain as to how we can help him – and coming up with very little. But at a time I want G-d to have compassion for me and judge me favorably despite my flaws, how can I pronounce a harsh judgment on this child and say I’m done?

    I spoke to my social worker right after Rosh Hashana, detailed what’s happening and said, while I’m not saying we’re quitting right now, we need to talk about what the next step would be if we can’t continue. She told me that several months ago, the therapist I spoke to then called her and said she had told me to emotionally prepare for him needing to be transferred to a residential treatment center. The therapist also told her, she sees it as inevitable that due to his complexities at some point he will need to be transferred out of home care.

    There’s one diagnosis that scares me more than any other, and that’s RAD (reactive attachment disorder). When I first heard about ds8, I wondered if he had it and have wondered about it a number of times since. While a lot of behaviors match, I’m not convinced. Even though he was diagnosed with RAD (as well as PDD) by a psychiatrist several months ago, I’m still not convinced. When I think of him having RAD, I feel like I just can’t continue because there’s no hope; for me, it’s something so hard that I’m not able or willing to deal with it. (Here’s a great website to learn more by a parent of two adopted RAD children – Every Star Is Different.)

    So I decided to put the diagnosis out of my mind since that’s too worrisome, and just deal with the child in front of me, with what I see right now. When I do that, I can feel more warmth and compassion.

    My husband and I had an appointment with with the foster care therapist yesterday morning, and she told us that every single day we give him in our home is a benefit for him. She stressed that we need to take very good care of ourselves because parenting him (and dd8 is a lot, also, even though I’m not mentioning her here) is so demanding and draining. She cautioned us to have our finger on our emotional pulse, to recognize and respects our limits, and not to push ourselves beyond what we can do.

    While dd’s therapist commented in response to something I said about him, that it sounds like all foster/adopted youth behaviors, the social worker and this therapist who knows the specifics of his background understand that we’re dealing with hard things and are very supportive of us. They’ve both made it clear that they think all we’ve done for him has been heroic and they understand if we can’t continue.

    Avivah

  • Struggling with scrolling on my phone

    Last week I saw dried dates on sale for 11 shekels a kilo, which is a great price. I bought 20 kilos with the intention to can them, since they are then easily blended and used as a sweetener for desserts.

    However, my daughter gave birth this week and I was away for a few days, so the cases of dates were still waiting for me when I got back. When I looked this morning at what felt like a mountain of dates that needed to be pitted, checked for infestation, and then canned – and in a few days it will be Rosh Hashana and there’s already so many other things to do – I wondered why I had to create extra work for myself.

    Then I began working on them while chatting with my husband before he started work, and I got through half of a 5 kg box. It would be easy to say, “I just spent so much time and I’ve only done 1/8 of the dates – how am I ever going to finish them all?”

    But that’s not what I thought. As I packed the liter jars full and prepared them for canning, I genuinely appreciated all that I had done.

    ———————–

    I’ve been doing a deeper level of decluttering in the last few months, as I go through things in my home and ask myself, “Does this have value to me right now?”

    Moving things that I’m not using out of my home has been very positive. My house is getting easier and easier to clean, and I can maintain it with much less effort. And it makes me more relaxed and accomplished.

    Every little bit I’ve done has been so gratifying and as I celebrate it, it encourages me to do more.

    ——————-

    I’ve really been grappling with my phone use. I’ve felt shame that I scroll as much as I do, that I don’t control myself and use my time better. Coming to understand just how intentionally human emotion and addiction psychology has been studied with the intent to create addiction has lessened that shame somewhat, as I realize my struggle is shared by most people.

    But I still have great frustration over the effort to minimize my screen use.

    For those who are wondering about our family technology stance: our children don’t use internet, though occasionally when I need to go out or do something when my husband is working, he’ll let the younger kids (ages 8, 8, 8) sit next to him in his home office and watch something like Mister Rogers. We don’t have Ipads and they don’t play computer games.

    When we drive places, they listen to music on the car speakers and look out the window or look at books.

    Of our three teenage boys (16, 18 and 19), the two who are living in dorms have chosen not to have any kind of phone at all. The youngest has regular daily learning sessions on the phone, so he has a simple ‘dumb’ phone that he uses at home but doesn’t take with him during the day. He does take it with him when he travels.

    Sounds great, right? I’m very glad my children are growing up in the real world, with real people, real experiences, and plenty of outdoor time. It’s really important to me.

    The challenge is for me and my husband, and I always think of us as the weak links in our home technology use. (My husband got rid of his smartphone a couple of years ago, but works online.)

    I got off of Facebook five years ago, even though it meant closing my business page and that was significant. The only social media platform I use is YouTube. While I don’t ever actively contribute or engage on YouTube, and the content I watch/listen to is overall positive, it is driven by an algorithm that targets exactly what interests each person, and that is what keeps me looking longer than I intend to.

    I’ve tried putting boundaries around my phone use: don’t look at it until after a certain time of day, be conscious of keeping it in a room where I’m not at. I took our family picture off of the screensaver months ago so it would be visually unstimulating. A couple of months ago I began calling a phone line for Torah classes to listen to higher quality content that doesn’t arrive through the internet, to partially replace the podcasts I listened to on YouTube.

    But I still feel frustrated with not being able to completely subdue the phone issue. It’s something that always has to be managed. I slide away from my good intentions, and then have to restart again.

    Sometimes I am weary of feeling unsuccessful about my efforts in this area.

    This morning, at my request, my husband loaded a black screen onto my phone to use as wallpaper, so there’s not only not a family picture, but there’s no appealing color or design on my screen. This is recommended as a step to minimizing phone usage, and I was glad to have it done.

    At that moment, I thought, ‘Why am I not appreciating all the things I’ve done in this area, and keep focusing on what isn’t yet the way I want? This is a good step!”

    I have 17.5 kilos of dates waiting to be checked and processed, and that may have to wait for another week to finish, but I didn’t focus on that – I felt accomplished with the dates I did.

    I’m not finished decluttering every single corner of my home, but I’ve mentally cheered for single thing I moved out of the house. Cumulatively all of these things have led to a bigger impact felt by everyone in the home.

    For today, I’m reminding myself that positive change only happens by appreciating the small steps, and continuing to make steps in the direction you want to go. I want to minimize digital clutter in my life (I’m wishful about eliminating it completely), but that’s an ongoing process.

    I don’t love the struggle, but everything I’ve done to improve the situation has been constructive. When I appreciate those efforts, I can let myself be where I am right now, without criticizing myself for not yet being at the finish line.

    Once again, I’m reminded of the saying, “By the inch it’s a cinch; by the mile it’s a trial.” I seem to have to continually remind myself to pause, look at what I’ve done, and say ‘good job, me!”

    I’m going to hold on to this thought as I’m thinking about the things I want to improve in as the Jewish New Year approaches.

    Can you relate? How do you manage your thoughts/feelings/actions around the things you wish you were doing differently?

    Avivah

  • Neglecting to thank myself for a summer well done

    It’s been a long and busy summer, and it’s only now with just a few remaining days until the school year begins that I’m able to carve out some time to write.

    I’ve had some disappointment with myself these last couple of months – not being patient enough, not having a better daily schedule for the kids, not being physically active enough, not consistently eating well, not regularly having a menu plan for the family.

    But the summer happened, and the kids had a great time. I may not have created art projects for them, but I gave them markers and papers, scissors and tape, and they made their own projects.

    There wasn’t a weekly menu plan, but we still had three homemade meals and snacks every day.

    There were messes all day long, but they got cleaned up and I even got some decluttering done.

    We didn’t do amazing trips but the younger kids were happy with our park outings and a trip to the beach. We did a house swap and spent three days in Beit Shemesh, where we spent time with married children and grandchildren.

    While I was feeling inadequate that our days felt like an effort and everything wasn’t running like a well-oiled machine (‘if only I had a better schedule!’), overall everyone was content.

    With just a couple more days before they go back to school, I can step back and recognize how much energy was needed to keep the days running smoothly for everyone. It takes time and effort to have lots of people around all day long.

    Telling myself it would feel easier if I was more organized wasn’t helpful. As I often remind my family, “Done is better than perfect”, and I need to regularly remind myself of that, too.

    I don’t think I’m the only parent feeling tired after a long summer with everyone home. We all deserve huge pats on the back for what we’ve done these last two months! I tend to neglect to appreciate myself, minimizing my efforts while focusing on what I could do better. Not good.

    It was a good summer for our children of all ages, and despite not having ‘me-time’, I can say it was a good summer for me, too. Yes, it’s been a lot of work, and yes, I’m very much looking forward to quieter mornings. But I’ve done a good job.

    Please give yourself some appreciation and loving affirmations for all of your hard work!

    Avivah

  • Be willing to follow through to your children even if it’s hard

    After the bar mitzva weekend ended, one of my daughters stayed with her family for the rest of the week. We all really enjoyed having them for an extended stay.

    One morning the twins had a visitation with their father and for the rest of the day they needed repeated reminders about boundaries. I was exhausted by the end of the day! The nice feedback at the end of it all was when my daughter told me she learned about not giving in by watching me.

    In our home, our guidelines are that we don’t hurt people – not with our bodies and not with our words.

    Of course, just saying that doesn’t mean that everyone complies with the guidelines. If someone hurts someone physically, they get a five minute break to cool down, while sitting on the couch or on my lap, never being sent to a separate room. In those five minutes, they need to stay quiet because when children are actively verbalizing (usually their hostility), they aren’t able to feel the regret of what they did. So the five minutes begins once they are quiet.

    After that, I briefly address what they did, asking them what they think would be a good thing to do show they are sorry, and they generally apologize and hug the other person. (This response was internalized after a lot of conversations and repeated practice.)

    On this day, dd7, ds7 and ds8 were in the pool together. I heard crying from the two boys, and it quickly became obvious that dd7 had pinched both of them hard. I told her to come out of the pool for five minutes.

    Emboldened by the fact she was in the pool and seemingly untouchable, she yelled at me that she’s not coming out. I reminded her when someone hurts someone, they need to sit quietly for five minutes. She yelled at me again, “I’m not sitting for five minutes, I’m not coming out now, and I’m not coming out ever!”

    Them’s fightin’ words. 🙂 She’s thrown down the gauntlet.

    I calmly told her that it’s disrespectful to yell at Mommy and she’ll need to sit quietly for fifteen minutes instead of five. Fifteen minutes is the maximum I’ll have a child sit quietly and that’s when a child is really out of hand and needs more time to get regulated.

    She yelled at me again, this time adding hitting motions towards me with the toy in her hand, with a slight smile on her lips. She was sure she had the upper hand since she was in the pool and seemingly unreachable by me.

    “You need to come out now, and it’s better if you come out by yourself than if I have to help you get out.” (This is said in a calm voice, not threatening and not escalating my tone.) Her response – more refusal.

    I had clarified with her that she knew what she was supposed to do, I let her know she’d need to sit for 15 minutes for being disrespectful to me in addition to hurting two brothers, and I made sure she realized I was going to take her out if she didn’t come out on her own. My position was clear.

    I made a move towards her and she began to move to another part of the pool to evade me, with that same little smile.

    I’m not getting into power struggles with children. If it’s important enough for me to say something twice, I’m going to follow through, even if it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient for me. If you aren’t willing to follow through, don’t make verbalize an expectation of your child because he’ll learn you don’t mean what you say.

    I wasn’t going to make a mockery of myself trying to chase her from outside the pool while she swam away from side to side laughing. But I wasn’t going to overlook the challenge to my authority.

    Without saying anything else, I went to my room and changed into a bathing suit. I went back outside, and her eyes widened as I climbed into the pool. Still not saying anything, I took her in my arms. I went to the ladder with her, and she insisted she wasn’t going to go on the ladder. She was still trying to maintain control of the interaction.

    Since what matters to me was that she got out of the pool, not specifically using the ladder, I lifted her over the side. I hardly said anything during this time; the talking time had passed and now it was about action.

    I carried her inside, put her on my lap, and reminded her she’d be sitting for fifteen minutes. She screamed and threw herself on the floor. This is classic testing behavior, when the child wants to see if you’ll stand your ground or not. It’s much easier to consistently stand your ground since if you sometimes give in to the screaming, it reinforces to the child that it’s worth it to act out because maybe this time is the time you’ll give in.

    I told her we’d start the time when she was sitting quietly. She continued yelling and scooting around all over the floor. I picked her up and put her on the stairs, and told her this is where she needed to sit.

    She finally quieted down, and after fifteen minutes, I told her she could get up and gave her a hug and kiss. What is always interesting to me is how peaceful a child becomes after what looks like a battle of wills.

    They’ve fought for their ability to be in control, and while it looks like they want to win, they don’t – they want to know you’re strong enough to take care of them. It gives them a feeling of security and safety, because they know they’ve crossed a line, they know they’re getting out of control, and it doesn’t feel good to them. There’s an inner calmness that I feel from them after an interaction like this.

    Below are questions from my last parenting post that I’ll respond to here.

    >>What would you have done if other children also needed individual or group attention at the same time? Can this be effective even if you are intermittently responding?<<

    In the beginning of the interaction is when you decide if you have the ability to follow through. If you can’t, put it to the side and don’t verbalize expectations that you can’t reinforce. At the same time, other children are watching and learning from how you handle the situation, so there is magnified value in your interaction when other children are there.

    I’d generally recommend to focus your attention on this child at the moment as much as possible to address the situation as quickly and effectively as possible, but if you can stay consistent with interruptions from other children, then go ahead. The reality of living with a house full of children is that others will need attention and much of the time it’s not realistic to exclusively interact with one child.

    Sometimes you recognize that moment isn’t the best time to be addressing the issue, and you can choose to put it to the side. For example, in my last post detailing a situation with my daughter, I was asked:

    >>I am wondering, what did you do with the kicking situation referenced in the beginning of the post? And what would you have done if she would not have calmed by you holding her outside by the bus, but would have been kicking and screaming?<<<<

    I had very limited time that morning, she was very emotionally volatile and due to those circumstances it wasn’t a teaching moment. As such, I didn’t raise the issue of her having kicked them since I couldn’t deal with it at that moment, but the boys knew that I knew she hurt them and was dealing with her, even though I didn’t have her sit for quiet time.

    As to what I would have done if she wouldn’t have calmed down when we were outside, I had that exact situation a couple of days later. It really depends what your priority is: I knew she was hoping she could stay home and my priority was to make sure she got on the bus. Therefore, I carried her onto the bus and put her seat belt on her myself.

    >> My 12 year old daughter does something similar when she is upset. How do you suggest calming a 12 year old who is screaming and getting angry about “little” things and trying to get the mother to fight back? I try to keep my calm voice and stay firm with my answer/decision but she continues…or refuses to do what she needs to do until I give in to her demand.<<

    I think the last part of your comment is the answer. A child will keep on trying to get her way until you give in, or she gives in. When she knows you’re going to stand your ground, she learns that it’s not worth the fight and everything gets much easier after that point.

    About the child who is trying to get you angry about little things:

    I want to clarify that I don’t advocate getting into power struggles. Communicating respectfully, listening to what they want and trying to find a way to help them get what they want is very important. Kindness matters! It’s not about making them bend to your will all of the time but about teaching them to respect you.

    As I wrote that last paragraph,dd7 woke up. Since it’s early in the morning, I told her it’s not yet time to get up, and she can take a book to look at in her bed for another half hour. She said she didn’t want to be in her bed in her room by herself. This isn’t disobedience – this is a child expressing what they want and now I need to find a way to meet both of our needs.

    I’m not going to insist she lay in her bed because that’s not what matters to me – what matters is that she lies down quietly. I told her she can bring out a mattress or a blanket to the living room and lay on the floor if she wants. (Both couches are occupied by the boys who woke up early and laid there when I told them it’s too early to get up.)

    She told me water spilled on the mattress and she wants a towel to put on top of it, so I got up to get a towel and spread it on the mattress for her. Now she’s laying on her mattress close by where I’m sitting.

    Let me know in the comments below if this clarified what you were wondering about, or if this brings up more questions for you.

    Avivah

  • The bar mitzva was so special!

    We had such a beautiful bar mitzva celebration.

    Here’s a message from someone who attended synagogue services on Shabbos morning:

    I had such a great time in shul. It was so heart warming to see all of Yirmi’s friends and fans coming together.

    It was so touching and encouraging to hear his Torah reading. Some were moved to tears.

    How blessed he is to have been put in such competent hands as yours, Avivah.

    I was surprised by how crowded it was during the Torah reading, and as it led up to Yirmi reading his portion, it was packed. I wasn’t focused on everyone around me, though, because my heart was full as I looked down at my son, waiting to begin his Torah reading.

    As I stood there, scenes from the last thirteen years flooded my mind. I expected we would be right here at this moment from the time he was very young. But it wasn’t a straightforward or easy path. The background to all of these years have been my steadfast conviction that regardless of the Down syndrome diagnosis, he is capable and intelligent, and should be treated as such.

    He sat calmly, handsome in his new suit and hat, waiting to be called to the Torah, and I knew he wasn’t nervous at all. When he was called up, first by his older brothers singing together for him (Yaamod) and then by the gabbai, he confidently began reading.

    I choked up, thinking of the years getting to this point.

    Not just last year when I learned an approach to teaching Hebrew reading to children with reading delays and then taught him myself, because the approach in his school was too slow and he wouldn’t have been ready for his bar mitzva. At the same time I learned the Verbal Motor Learning approach for speech and took him for private sessions for a year to work on articulation. That was last year.

    But there was so much more, year after year. Often I put in effort but didn’t follow through as I would have liked to, and wondered how much of a difference whatever I was doing made.

    Afterward a number of women came over to me to tell me how beautifully he read. Several were surprised to learn he had leined the maftir rather than the parsha because of the concern that his speech wasn’t clear enough for the parsha, and told me they had no problem understanding his leining. A number of them shared that they were crying as they listened to him.

    I had thought of this as our family celebration that we were sharing with the community, but as I listened to the women I realized that they saw it as a celebration for our entire community. Naturally as a mother my focus is on my child and what support to give him, but over Shabbos as I heard different feedback about Yirmi, I was able to zoom out and see a bigger picture.

    I’m never going to make raising a child with a disability sound like rainbows and unicorns, because it’s not. Raising children is hard work, and if your child has an extra challenge, it’s even harder. Yirmi is a young man with a lot of personality and independence, and it has required – and continues to need – a lot of energy raising him.

    It’s important for me to step back and recognize his accomplishments, to simply appreciate and enjoy him.

    ———————–

    I attended a retreat for mothers of children with Down syndrome the previous week, and it’s only been in the last year that I’ve understood what a parent of an older child with DS told me when Yirmi was two and a half. She told me, “You’re a very unusual special needs parent.” I asked her then why she said that, and I didn’t understand her answer. I told her I don’t do anything that any parent wouldn’t do.

    But ten years later, I now see what she meant. I was very aware of this at the retreat and also at the year end school party for both of my sons with DS. It’s obvious I have a different attitude toward raising my children than most of them. Maybe the mothers who think like me have their kids integrated in regular schools or maybe it’s just the minority of parents in any given setting who will be more proactive.

    What I recognized was that my expectations for my sons are different and my level of involvement in their lives is different. Expectations set the tone for what you do and how you do it.

    At the end of the year IEP meeting for ds8 (who also has Down syndrome), after saying that he is doing well in an area that most of his classmates struggle with, his teacher commented that most of the mothers would be jealous of me. That raised my hackles a bit and I told her, “No one has any right to be jealous of me. I took responsibility for this and didn’t leave it to the teachers. I did what they didn’t want to do. That’s fine, but I don’t want to hear how lucky I am.”

    Being actively involved with your child with special needs doesn’t mean that you’re going to get spectacular results. That’s not my goal and neither of my boys are poster children with impressive accomplishments. I don’t raise any of my children to be impressive, but to do what they can as best they can, without pressure. I do my part to be actively involved with supporting my children. So far that’s worked really well for us as a family with all of our children, and that’s the road I’ll continue to travel.

    Avivah