I’ve been deeply reflective and feeling pensive about the foster care system for the last few days.

I shared with my social worker earlier this week how difficult it’s been for the last several months; I’m constantly dealing with emotional outbursts and one particular child who is seemingly oblivious to boundaries; it’s very draining and demands enormous patience. Ds7’s behavior has gotten quite obnoxious and all of us are finding it hard to be around him. (The therapist was happy to hear about this and told me they usually hope to see these behaviors at 2 – 3 years after placement so he’s ahead of schedule at less than a year and a half; I laughed and told her she’ll be even happier to know that dd7 is doing the same kind of things but less often.) It’s challenged me because there are things I have no tolerance for – specifically disrespect to parents – and his behaviors trip over that.

With the schools being closed and no other outlets outside of the home available due to the war, I’ve been stretched thin emotionally.

Usually I’m allotted additional babysitting hours during the summer or holiday months from the foster care agency. Since the kids can’t go to school because of the war, I requested additional hours, but this time was told I could have only a minimal number of hours, with the explanation that implied that I didn’t deserve more. I told the social worker I understand if they don’t have the funding now because everyone wants extra hours, but it’s very frustrating and invalidating to get the response I did, and I wonder if they understand the reality of living with emotionally needy and intense children.

I reminded her that we committed to what we were told would be involved, but more and more continues to be demanded of us without any additional support or even understanding of the difficulty of what we’re being asked to do being recognized.

She responded that she genuinely understands and any time it’s too much for us, I can tell her and they’ll rehome the twins (the likely placement would be to an institution).

I don’t know if the intention was to be reassuring – this is the second time I was told this, the first was after the harassment from the guardian ad litem – but I really wasn’t happy with this response.

I said very sharply, I’ve never said I want to find a new home for them, that’s not at all my intention and that’s not the point of anything I’ve said. Don’t you see the absurdity of spending 10 – 20,000 shekels a month on a dormitory school per child, but there’s not enough funding for even a few hundred shekels a month for respite for foster families, especially when everyone knows the outcome will be much better with a family than for children placed in institutions??

I’ve come to the realization that as well-intended as some in the foster care system are, the system itself is not there to help or support me as a foster parent – and that’s not the primary goal for foster children, either; in fact, their policies can work against the wellbeing of children. I see this again and again, that in the focus on minutiae the big picture is lost.

Here’s an example. The above conversation began when I was notified a couple of days ago that ds7 and dd7 won’t be getting therapy in school due to a shortage of in-school providers, despite the expectation that would be available for them. I was informed that as a result of this, I need to take them privately. To do that, I need to take each child to therapy, then drive them afterward to school, which is an hour away, and then come back home. That would be one entire morning every week of my time spent on one therapy appointment, for just one child.

But there are two children, so it’s not one morning, it’s two mornings. My schedule is already filled with commitments (like weekly speech therapy for ds7 and ds12 that takes one full morning, therapeutic horseback riding two afternoons a week and regular orthodontist appointments for two children). I have to go to parenting sessions as a foster parent because of the challenging situation we’re in so as to document our case and protect ourselves. That’s also hour away, every other week. Every other week I take the kids for visitation with their parents in the morning because there are no longer after school hours available at the mediation center, and then have to drive them to school. That’s four hours each time, so two more mornings gone.

I don’t have two mornings a week to dedicate to therapy. It’s not a question of unwillingness. I simply can’t. I told her I only have Friday mornings available – this isn’t exactly a free day; it’s the only day that my husband and I have that we don’t have commitments other than Shabbos preparations. Last year dd7 stayed home from school every Friday because I had to take her to therapy, and I’ve been really, really looking forward to some relief from that. While I offered to take them both on Fridays, which will take up my entire Friday morning and necessitate making all of my Shabbos preparations the day before, I can’t take two children to two different therapists in two different areas at the same time and the working hours on that day are limited. (Currently dd’s therapist is reaching out to other therapists in her area to see if anyone has availability so I could coordinate them both at a similar hour.)

There’s no possibility of anyone agreeing to them not having weekly therapy, because the law says the kids need to get it, and this is a good thing. It really is. They deserve every bit of support they can get.

What’s not good is that the system loses sight of the forest for the trees – if I can’t get them to their appointments, then I’m not fulfilling the necessary requirements as a foster parent. It isn’t relevant that we are a home that provides much more therapeutic emotional support than is usually available for foster children, and as a result, the children have been doing much, much better than the norm. In order for them to get a weekly 45 minute session of play or art therapy, they would be placed somewhere else if we can’t take them to these appointments – and this is intended to benefit the child. But when looking at the whole picture, it brings up the question if that really is to their benefit?

I can twist myself more and more into a pretzel to do all the things I’m told I need to do, none of which are unreasonable but have become very burdensome for me when taken as a whole. It’s hard to add these things in when the schedule for the year was planned and committed to, each activity having been considered for the value it brings and the price it will exact, before I was told about the changes for therapy and visitation that necessitate at least an additional ten hours a week of my active involvement.

Or I can tell them to take the kids and I’ll go back to living my more peaceful life that was quite full but had more white space.

But there’s no point in talking to anyone in the system, in sharing my thoughts or opinions or experience about anything. I thought that communicating would have some benefit, that some adjustments could be made, there would be some understanding or willingness to adapt or find solutions, but now it’s clear that they really have no help to offer except to rehome the twins. They aren’t being callous or unfeeling to offer that – it’s literally the only way they can offer support. It would devastate the kids and everyone knows that, but nonetheless that’s the only offer.

I’ve felt disappointed that due to the extremely full days with the kids home I haven’t had time to do a yearly cheshbon hanefesh, a spiritual review of the past year and make a plan for the areas I want to work on in coming year. But working through so much to move past the compassion fatigue and burnout, to remind myself why I’m doing this, and to renew my commitment to be the best parent I can to all of our children is my spiritual process at this time.

G-d knows I’m doing my best in a challenging situation. There’s so much I want to be doing that I can’t do, and I’ve had to work on letting go and putting to the side what I wanted to be doing at this time. I’m accepting that G-d has different plans for me than what I planned for myself. I can fight it and be frustrated and annoyed that this isn’t how it’s supposed to be, this isn’t what I committed to, this isn’t how I want to be using my time. Or I can go with the flow and consider that there are new ways to grow and learn that will benefit me on this path that I’m surrendering to.

The therapist gave me a gift today, a book called The Man Who Planted Trees. She said since the first time she met me she’s been continually reminded of this story when speaking to me. (Here’s a free pdf of the book – it’s a short and inspiring story.) It’s about planting seeds for the future at a time that those efforts seem small and unlikely to effect change, while holding on to the vision of the future results you want to have; small and consistent effort in the direction of your goal will yield beautiful results.

May we individually and collectively experience the coming year as one of peace and abundance of all sorts.

Avivah

As residents of the north we are affected by the war with Lebanon, though thankfully here in Yavneel not too dramatically so.

I’m grateful we haven’t had any sirens, though we do hear and see the missile interceptions. (**Edit at end of post) I feel like we live in a cocoon of safety; the adjoining towns have had sirens and even missiles landing, but we’re in a blessed island of safety. At the store today I chatted briefly with a woman who lives a twenty minute drive from me, who told me a missile fell on her next door neighbor’s home. But for us, our involvement has been limited to hearing the interceptions.

Here are more interceptions again as I’m writing this – three, four, five, six, seven, eight…nine. It sounds like that’s it for this round. I’ve only counted nine or ten at a time but on this same day my son heard and saw twenty two in one round. It’s miraculous that there have been so few injuries and I feel Hashem’s protective hand over us all.

I wasn’t talking to my children about the war because I didn’t think it’s necessary at that point but then a neighbor’s child was here when the booms of the interceptions happened, and he started excitedly exclaiming, “They’re shooting missiles!” The twins ran after him and repeated what he said very excitedly. Then ds7 stopped and asked me, “What does ‘shooting’ mean?” I wasn’t appreciative to have this concept introduced to them but now that it’s been said, it had to be addressed.

Before the kids weren’t aware of what the loud noises were – a new home began being built right across from us on the Sunday morning that the war began, and since since the machinery was so very loud, they didn’t realize that the sounds in the sky were something different from the heavy equipment. But now they’ve become aware of the interceptions, which in Hebrew are called ‘boomim'(booms).

I explained the booms by telling them, “Those are the sounds of Hashem protecting us.” Whenever we talk about anything related to the war, I keep it very low key. My message is, everything is okay and we’re not going to get excited about it. Kids take their cues from the adults around them, so it’s important not to project anxiety because they pick up on it and internalize it.

School hasn’t been in session in the north for the last week and a half, and no one has any idea when the kids will be returning to school. Three of the younger four kids have Zoom classes set up but I’m not interested in having our children participate. I don’t have any positive feelings about young children using Zoom as a substitute for school. Zoom is a decent option for adults who are very interested and motivated in their learning, though nothing compares to in person learning. But for kids, particularly in the earlier grades? I can immediately see their energy become more frenetic and disorganized when they get on a Zoom call.

Ds7.5’s teacher set up a phone line where she leaves a recording each day for the students, and they can call in and listen at their convenience. I like that much more. A couple of times I called for ds7.5, and he enjoyed hearing his teacher greet each child individually and then he davened out loud with the recording. I’ve only called in twice, and each time he listened for under ten minutes before he asked to hang up.

The kids have asked why they aren’t going to school, and I explained that there are children who would be scared if they were far away from their parents when they heard the booms, so all the children are staying home until there are no more booms. That was easy for them to understand.

After my posts about my appreciation of my schedule, now that’s all changing. It’s not only school that is cancelled. Our speech sessions are in an area where they are having a lot of sirens, and the therapist told me it’s not safe for us to come. I thought we’d be able to continue with horseback riding since it’s just a ten minute drive from here, but they are acting in accordance with the security recommendations for the north and also cancelled.

A couple of weeks ago I decided I wanted to dissemble the pool since the weather is getting cooler, and my son finished taking it down first thing last Sunday morning – yes, the first morning of the war. Now the kids are home, the temperatures are close to 100 degrees and they are so irritable. When we took the pool down, I thought that if the weather shifted and got hot again, I’d take the kids to the Kinneret. But now the beaches are closed because of the war, so that’s not an option.

During covid I embraced everyone being home for an extended time and deeply appreciated that period. That’s not my experience now.

Last year was very challenging for a number of reasons and most days at least one child stayed home with me. That was followed by a long summer with everyone home that demanded a lot of patience on my part. It wasn’t an easy year and it wasn’t an easy summer. I’ve gotten through it all with a good attitude but have very much looked forward to everyone being in school and having time to myself.

When the cancellation of school was announced, I couldn’t find any feelings of positivity about it, and I didn’t want to try to be positive. I was frustrated and resentful that my long awaited time was being stolen from me. After a couple of days I realized I needed to let myself feel the disappointment and everything else that was flooding me, before I could move into acceptance of the reality.

I’ve done some journaling about my concerns about losing this time, my distress about of losing my momentum and even my motivation to pursue my other goals, my fear that I’ll never do those things. I let myself be with that for a couple of days, and every day have been more able to be with the kids without thinking about what I should be doing instead percolating in the back of my mind.

At this point I’m in a place of acceptance. I’m letting go of expectations for myself and what I thought I would do, and also for the return to school. Maybe after Rosh Hashana the kids will go back to school. Maybe this will be a long term situation. No one knows. I’m able to honestly say I’m okay with that now.

Am I embracing having them home? Not yet. I’m at a stage that parenting is demanding and intensive, and takes a lot of emotional and physical energy. One child in particular is challenging from the minute he wakes up and it takes a lot of conscious effort to stay loving towards him. Right now he’s having a time-in with me, sitting in my room with me as I write this, stroking the dog as I have relaxing music playing in the background. It’s been twenty minutes so far and he’s finally moving from defiant and obnoxious to calming down and becoming sweet again. At 8 am, this is the first intervention for him of the morning, but it won’t be the last.

Acceptance is a good place to be for now.

** Edited to add – Ten hours after writing this, numerous ballistic missiles were sent from Iran. As I got home from errands, I saw them in the sky and heard them exploding before I the warning siren sounded to go to a safe room. Thank G-d, we continue to witness unfathomable miracles – how can there be so few deaths after a countrywide barrage like we just experienced? I will be going into Rosh Hashana with heightened appreciation and gratitude for Hashem’s overwhelming kindness. May we all have a good, safe year of many blessings!!**

Avivah

At the beginning of June I received a call from one of my married daughters.

She had been approached by a neighbor who wanted to know if our twenty one year old son was dating yet. I answered no, he’s not. It was almost his birthday but our sons wait until 22 before going out.

She commented that several people over the course of the last year have made the same suggestion to the neighbor, who is the aunt of the young woman suggested, as well as to my daughter. When my daughter was approached about it a few months ago she told them he wasn’t starting but at this point called since she wasn’t sure of his timeframe.

For me, hearing that a few people thought of the same idea is interesting but not enough to change my time line. When my last son was dating, eleven different people made the same suggestion of a young lady, people who knew him and her well. It seemed so perfect on paper that it seemed everyone was sure it was going to work out.

They went out once and my son came back and told me she’s definitely not a match for him.

So with this current suggestion, I was kind of like, that’s nice but he’s not dating now.

Then my daughter added, “I also know her pretty well and I think it’s a really good idea.”

As soon as she said those words, it became something for me to consider seriously. My daughter not only obviously knows our family and her brother well, but is an excellent judge of character and has a lot of insight. I asked her for more information, and she gave me a very good picture of who the young woman is.

I told her I needed to rethink my position on delaying him starting to date and would get back to her. I thought about why I was hesitant for him to begin dating and realized it had nothing to do with his emotional readiness, but with my desire to delay having to deal with the technicalities of the dating process.

I recognized that there was no reason for me to hold him back when someone who sounded perfect for him was being suggested. After getting clarity on some things we wanted to know, a date was set up.

From the start felt comfortable and relaxed with each other. I know he has the ability to synthesize a lot of details quickly and accurately, and shouldn’t have been surprised when after the second date, he told me he was confident she was right for him.

When he came home from the fourth date, he told me he was ready to propose whenever she would be ready. Early into the fifth date the topic of engagement came up and it was clear they were on the same page. He called to ask when I would be able to meet her, so my husband and I drove in the next night to meet her; that was Monday. Two and a half weeks after their first date they got engaged; last night shortly after he proposed we celebrated the l’chaim in Jerusalem with family and close friends. The official engagement party will be next week.

We’ve never had a child find his soulmate as quickly and easily as this. It’s an amazing kindness from Heaven.

——————–

This will be my sixth child in seven years to get married. They were born within nine years of one another but somehow it still feels astonishing that they’re all getting married in what is relatively a short time.

When I was a teenager and heard of people getting engaged after going out for two or three weeks, I couldn’t imagine how that was a good thing. They hardly know each other, for goodness sakes!

Yet, the charedi shidduch system is one that works very, very well. There are divorces in our world, we have unhappy marriages just like every society – but there is a strong positive value on marriage and on family; we believe a soul is incomplete until he is reunited with his other half. And the very positive results in our society reflect those values.

I deeply appreciate the shidduch system and the wisdom that is behind it. Young men and women go out with one another after a lot of thought beforehand – by people who know them well who want to see them happy – regarding compatibility in terms of personality, life direction and outlook and families. This narrows their dating to people who have a good chance of being a good fit for them.

I look at all of our married children and their spouses, I look at all of their parents, and I marvel…how did Hashem send so many wonderful people to our family? While I’ve heard many stories of the sets of parents of the couple having a lot of intense conflict, we’ve never experienced that while planning any weddings. Obviously there will be differences in expectations that need to be ironed out, but we’ve been very blessed with very, very good people who have been reasonable and accommodating, and now another great family is joining the mix.

Hashem is always taking care of each of us, but there are times the extra kindness inherent in a situation that feels like a kiss from Heaven, and this engagement is one of those times.

Avivah

Not long ago, a blog reader sent me a copy of an article that appeared in a Hebrew language magazine about foster care. It was so incredibly validating – I have said some of the exact same statements that were quoted, word for word, and I’ve experienced every single situation that was described.

Every single one. Money withheld and owed for a long time – I thought that when they owed me 6000 shekels for the expenses I laid out until I was reimbursed it was a lot. Then the office that the parents used to live in decided to decrease the stipend for the children, and then not to pay it at all, for months. When our social worker approached them about it, they said they want the new location to pay it, even though the file wouldn’t transfer until June 2024 (they began decreasing the funds in December 2023). That finally was indirectly settled when the GAL refused to let them transfer the file to the new area because she doesn’t want to work with new people.

Issues with not being the legal parent – ds7 didn’t have health insurance coverage at all for over a year and a half. Now he has coverage with the clinic associated with his bio parents. I’ve been trying for months to have him transferred to the local clinic that is a three minute walk from my home, where the pediatrician is excellent and is an endocrinologist, the specialty he most needs. Since I’m not his legal parent, I can’t do this; his bio parents have to transfer his file and they don’t want to.

The closest office for the clinic he’s associated with is a twenty minute drive away, and I still can’t take him there because I don’t have a member card for him, and he doesn’t have an Israeli ID number (and if he did, I don’t have him listed on my identity card as my child), so I have no way to get a card for him. His bio father has his card in his wallet. Effectively, that means for two years I’ve been unable to take him to a doctor or dentist, and that has been very stressful and upsetting at times. You might think this would be extremely urgent and would be taken care of very quickly. But no. I keep asking how for the first five years they able to put him on the same clinic as our family and why is it impossible now, but no one seems to know.

Now I’m dealing with school issues and I’m getting very exasperated.

To preface this, when we were initially approached about the twins, I asked if they could be educated in a charedi school framework. That’s not their background, but this is our lifestyle and it was critical to me that they be raised the same as all of our children. I was assured that there was no issue with that; the parents are traditional and are glad to have the kids raised religious. This was a critical point; if they had said no, I wouldn’t have agreed to take the children.

In February, I began researching schooling options for the twins. I know how important it is to have children registered as soon as possible before the class fills up. I researched, called schools, decided on the best option and then checked with my social worker to confirm that I could send them there.

She needed to check. It took weeks to get an answer. Finally I got the response that any school that has the legal status of ‘recognized but not legal’ is not an option; they can only attend public schools. Boom – that took out almost every single charedi school in the country, which have a parochial school status.

I began having sessions with the therapist/foster care advocate, recognizing I’m going to need to build a paper trail to support any choice I make for the twins. That means I don’t make any move until it’s approved with her. In our first meeting, she agreed that the recommendation for ds6 to be placed in a small special ed classroom within a regular school was the right choice for him.

Two months ago I went to the local school placement official at the municipality. I told her I need a charedi school that has a public school status and a small special ed classroom in a charedi school. She told me she can’t help me until she sees the files for the twins, which she’ll need to request and will take two weeks. I told her that she doesn’t need to see anything first; she needs to tell me what the options are within the parameters that I described. She’s new and doesn’t know any of the necessary information, but told me she’s pretty sure there’s no option for a small special ed classroom for ds. I also told her that it was urgent that this happen immediately as the classes were going to fill up and they wouldn’t have a place.

She told me there’s no rush, placement for special ed schools hasn’t begun yet. I reminded her that dd needs a regular school and as it was the beginning of April, it was already very late to register her.

Meanwhile, I continued my own research and found there is one school in Tiberias that has the legal status that we need. I called to register dd and was told they were full, but I explained our situation to the principal and begged her to put dd at the top of the wait list and she agreed that I could register her as a standby. Which I did.

Back I went for a meeting for the foster care advocate with the new information that the school option for ds6 isn’t available. I was and continue to be very concerned they will place him at a school for children with emotional and behavioral issues, which would destroy him (I don’t mean that hyperbolically). The therapist agreed with me completely and said our next option to explore is for him to go into a regular first grade classroom with an aide.

Off I went to find a boys’ school that has the necessary status. I found one, called and was told they are full. I explained our situation and how important it is since I have no other charedi educational option available. I was told that I should have contacted them much earlier and what did I expect if I waited so long to register him. Very pleasant.

The following week I learned that dd won’t be accepted for the coming year since there’s no room in the school where I registered her.

I told a friend that I’m holding on to the belief that Hashem has something better for both kids because after a tremendous amount of time and effort, every door is slamming shut in my face.

I kept our social worker appraised of everything going on and at this point she called the municipality rep to get assistance. The representative called her supervisor to get more information and a few days later I got a call reminding me about our meeting six weeks earlier, and that now she had an option for a small special ed classroom for ds6 in a charedi school in a city an hour from us. I did a bit of research, heard really good things and a day later called her and asked her to submit his file immediately for registration. (Special ed enrollment has to go through the municipality.) I was ebullient and so thankful to have found a good option for him.

As far as finding a school for dd, I’m still looking.

I went into the municipality a couple of days ago to make sure the representative understands that dd has special ed status and is still entitled to transportation even if she’s going into a regular classroom. At that point I learned that she still hasn’t sent ds’s file in. Why not? I enquire. I thought it was a done deal and it was a huge weight off of my shoulders.

In order to transfer his educational file to the new school, she needs a signature from his parents on a confidentiality waiver. She’s been in touch daily with our social worker, because to get that signature the social worker has to forward it to someone else, who has to forward it to the parents social worker, who has to give it to the parents to sign, and then the process has to be reversed as it’s sent back. Over a week had passed with no signed waiver.

I called the school principal for the boy’s special ed track. I told him about ds, told him about our situation, and asked if he could please reserve a space for him in the first grade. No, he has numerous inquiries every week, doesn’t know who we are and if we’re seriously interested in enrollment, and even if he did, he hasn’t yet seen ds’s file to appraise if he’s a good candidate for their program.

I called my social worker to find out if I can physically drive the paperwork for the file to the principal and place it in his hands. No, that’s not legally allowed.

She explained that in the past it was very difficult to get the parents to sign this waiver. Both signatures have to be on the waiver and now they’re separated, further complicating the signature acquisition. One parent isn’t tech savvy and neither are motivated to sign this.

I am willing to drive to each of the cities the parents are living in and give them the paperwork to sign, but my identity is blocked from them so I can’t contact them directly. I asked, can’t the parents’ social worker physically give them the form and get the signatures? No, it’s not that important to them.

You know what is important to all the people involved? That they come to our home for another visit to inspect how pink the curtains and sheets in dd’s bedroom are. They’re right now preparing a group to come visit in the next week or two, with supposedly four different social workers (almost all who have already visited previously and given their approval) in addition to the supervisor of the foster care agency and the GAL. All coming from different cities to convene on my home because the GAL has been very negative about us so they want to have more eyes on our situation.

But I can’t get any assistance to get a signature so the children will have a suitable school placement.

I am mentally exhausted by all the meetings and phone calls that I’ve been involved with since February, and here we are at the beginning of June and neither of them have a school placement yet.

Well, they have to have a school, don’t they? Yes, they do. And if these options fill up before our children are registered, they will force us to enroll them in minimally religious or secular public schools, which would delight the GAL but would be antithetical to our home environment and put the children in a situation of dramatically conflicting values and behavioral norms.

Here’s a small example from when the kids first came to us and continued attending their secular kindergartens in the city they had previously lived in. I sent dd in dresses and knee socks, and learned that when she would wear a jumper, the assistant would take it off, supposedly because dd was hot (in her air conditioned classroom). Since she was wearing the thin dance shorts that many people use for little girls in place of underwear, they let her wear just this and the shirt, rolling up her shirt sleeves, pushing down her socks. Then they would put the dress back on when it was time to go home. I was appalled to learn she was running around her class in her underwear; the social worker got involved and learned the teacher had already spoken to the assistant and told her it wasn’t unacceptable to do something against a family’s wishes. It was such a relief when I sent her to a religious kindergarten this year and all the girls were dressed like her.

It’s really important for the children’s well-being that they are educated in a way that is compatible with the family they live with.

At this point the municipality representative is stressed about the time factor as well. I didn’t point out that if she had started the process two months ago when I first turned to her that there wouldn’t be the urgency that now exists.

This is why when I hear about how foster care agencies offer so much support and assistance, I mentally snort. I have found the bureaucracy to make everything so much more complicated and take so much more time. As I said above, it’s been two years without health insurance for ds7 and every time I ask about it, they tell me it’s in the process of being taken care of. Now this signature is in ‘the process of being taken care of’, and my past experience does not give me reassurance or comfort that things will be done in a timely way for the best interest of the children.

I do believe it will all work out in the end, so I’m trying to stay positive and optimistic.

Avivah

This week there was a fire on the mountain opposite us. The kids excitedly ran around exclaiming over the airplanes that circled around repeatedly to put the fire out. It was interesting and fun…and it didn’t lead to meltdowns of any sort.

Eleven months ago, there was a fire on the mountain opposite us. You can read here to see the sensory overload I dealt with at that time in the same situation. SO much has changed.

The twins are doing remarkably well. Last week I began to write about the changes we’ve seen but detailing some of what we’ve done throughout this year to move the needle forward for them and thinking so much about how they were then left me so emotionally exhausted I had to stop writing for a few days.

Impulsivity – neither ds nor dd had any stop mechanism in them when they arrived. If something flashed through their mind, they did it. They didn’t have a concept of requesting to do or have something before grabbing it and using it. There was no thought of consequences. This is where the destructiveness that I’ve written about came from.

I’ve worked on this a lot with them, slowing them down and talking through what they’re about to do, and asking them to consider what will happen next. It’s amazing that often ds6 will now check with me before he does something – amazing that he knows there are things that are questionable and perhaps shouldn’t be done, and amazing that he thinks to check in with me first. They’re both dramatically less impulsive, though they’re still described by teachers and therapists as highly impulsive.

Thinking skills – ds had none. Literally, he didn’t have the ability to think at all. It was only impulse/reaction, all the time. He would ask repetitive questions again and again and again, not processing the answer. I believe that due to trauma his brain was shut down and this is why in the extensive educational evaluation done when he was living in his previous foster home assessed him as borderline mentally retarded. He needed to be taught to think.

Creating safety and security is critical for the brain to turn back on, and the underlying intention of everything I do and how I do it is to create a sense of security for them. In addition to that, I actively helped develop his cognitive skills. He now he asks questions and processes the information, and then will ask the next question, which takes into account information he previously received. I’m hoping to see a jump of thirty IQ points when he has his next educational evaluation at the end of the summer. (I don’t think an IQ test is the most valuable litmus test of intelligence but it will to some degree reflect his cognitive development.)

Emotional presence – in the beginning weeks, ds’s body was present but not his mind. I could talk to him and see his eyes looking at me, but he wasn’t there. Was he disassociating, was he used to shutting down inside to protect himself? I’m guessing he was. Many times I would talk to him, note the vacant look in his eyes and wonder what had to happen for him to be able to process what I said. It took time and it didn’t happen all at once; it was a slow waking up emotionally but he’s been present emotionally consistently for months.

About a month ago he suddenly shut down in kindergarten (there was no change in his behavior at home), and his teacher said, “I don’t know if you can understand what I’m talking about, he looks at me but he’s not present.” Oh, believe me, I knew exactly what she was talking about.

Socially distancing behaviors – the children didn’t have normative behaviors; they were always doing the best they knew how but they didn’t have any idea of what normal or appropriate behaviors were. It took me weeks to realize that ds was trying to be endearing and funny when he repeatedly said the same words in an irritating tone. Some behaviors like this one were only mildly annoying but others were very off-putting (to protect their privacy I won’t describe those) and caused people to sometimes look at them with distaste. Now people regularly describe them as cute and sweet.

They were both demanding, unappreciative, always wanting more and never satisfied with what they received. They’d use whatever they got for a few minutes before tossing it to the side, then demand something else. There was a lot of modeling and practice of appropriate ways to speak. They now generally request things politely – on the off time they say ‘Give me,’ I look at them with a quizzical expression and they immediately self-correct. They voluntarily express appreciation, even for small things ; we went to the store to get a loaf of bread, and on seeing it on the shelf, dd spontaneously said, “Thank You, Hashem, that we found bread!”

When they arrived they were extremely emotional and reactive; dd was given to outbursts of shrieking, crying and throwing herself on the floor multiple times a day. Now she’s much, much calmer. This kind of outburst is uncommon and if it happens it’s when she is overtired or overstimulated. She accepts not getting her way fairly graciously and is usually kind and patient with others.

Ds would get angry, yell and strike out, also multiple times a day; as with dd, I’ve spent a lot of time validating his feelings, given him a voice, giving him words to express himself, and giving him practice in using those words. I have low tolerance for hurting someone else. Now I usually only see these outbursts on days he goes to school and they are much less intense and short-lived. At school they tell me he’s the best behaved of all the boys.

Fear – Ds was extremely fearful and wary; even now after a year in our low conflict environment he jumps if we move too quickly near him. A couple of weeks ago I reached across him when they were getting into pajamas to get a clothing item for him, and he flinched as if I was about to hit him.

For the first time, I asked him, “Did you think I was going to hit you?” He laughed as if that was funny and confidently replied, “No”. While consciously he knows we won’t hurt him, his nervous system is operating at a subconscious level and is still calming down. I try to stroke his cheek or pat his back frequently when I walk by him, to get him used to small sudden movements in his vicinity that are positive and loving.

Ds’s biggest issue was a behavior I was told was due to anxiety; that disappeared when he came to our home. Before they came when I met with social workers who were detailing what was involved with the twins, they told me about this and asked how I would handle it. I responded that if a behavior is a way for a child to reduce anxiety, it seemed to me that relieving the child’s fear that drives the anxiety would be the most important thing to do rather than focus on the symptomatic behavior. That’s been how we’ve handled this issue as well; I surmise that initially he found more helpful outlets for his anxiety in our home and didn’t need to resort to less effective stress relief, and later, he didn’t experience the fear and anxiety that had previously triggered the behavior.

I’ve written before about ds’s infantile talk, body movement and self-identity as a baby. He still sometimes speaks in a baby voice but usually it’s when they’re playing family and he’s the baby. When he came he grunted and pointed a lot instead of speaking; he no longer does that and speaks in full sentences. His mincing exaggerated baby walk/ran have been replaced with beautiful full body movements. His spindly little legs have turned into muscle. And most importantly, his self-identity has completely changed from being a baby to being big.

The two biggest issues we dealt with for dd6 was her attachment disorder and a food compulsion.

Attachment disorder – I wasn’t given a name for the the disorder but disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED) is a very good match for the behaviors we saw. I wanted to calm the inner anxiety that manifested as a frantic search for connection with anyone and everyone she saw. (People would say, “Oh, she’s so friendly, how cute.” It was not cute, it was dangerous.)

My approach to addressing this was for dd to bond to me as her primary attachment figure, for her to know that someone was consistently there for her to take care of whatever her needs were. I gave her tremendous amounts of physical and verbal warmth, always trying to provide it before she solicited it. I limited connection to anyone outside of the family for quite a while because being with people she wasn’t yet attached to caused her to exert a lot of energy to make people like her. She’s still warm and friendly but now she’s very appropriate in her behaviors with strangers.

Food compulsion – Food scarcity is a common issue for foster children. Dd6 had classic behaviors of stuffing her mouth too full, eating too much, and constantly asking about when she would get food. I ordered the book Feed Me, Love Me by Katja Rowell, which details how to implement a responsive approach to eating specifically for foster and adoptive children. The book didn’t arrive until after the twins came and it was so extremely busy that I didn’t get very far in the book for a long time. Fortunately, the research I had done prior to reading the book, the bit of the book I did read and my instincts were enough to set us on a track for success. When after nine months I finally sat down to read the entire book, I was gratified to see that we had handled this well.

As I stated, my underlying effort is to create a foundational feeling of security for the twins. When the guardian ad litem came she asked me detailed questions about how I addressed the food obsession, which was no longer present by the time she visited. She asked me how I would handle a child who wants food right before a meal. I responded that now we’re no longer dealing with the food scarcity issue and clarified if she was asking how I would handle the request now that there’s no active challenge in that area. She said that’s what she wanted to know.

I explained that I make sure to offer food before the kids request it, have a lot of food on hand (I put a plate of snacks for them on the island for them to take whenever they want as soon as they get home from school), and am very relaxed about the kids eating between meals. If they want something else, they ask me if they can have it and generally I say yes, unless it’s ten to fifteen minutes before a meal. The GAL was furious with my response, and fumed, “What kind of people are you, that children have to ask for food?!” I was bemused that there was so much hostility expressed toward me about an issue that was no longer a problem. Regardless of her opinion, what we did was very effective in calming the anxiety that dd had around food.

Fear of being left alone – both dd and ds were terrified of being left alone. They needed me to be emotionally and physically present all of the time. Our doors were damaged to the point of requiring replacement because they kicked them repeatedly when I closed them to get dressed or go to the bathroom (which I tried not to do unless someone else was around to be with them for those few minutes). I’ve shared before that dd couldn’t bear the separation involved with me taking a nap or even not looking at her; she needed me to be awake and interacting with her all the time.

This little girl who frantically clutched me if she saw me begin to walk out of the yard (obviously being cared for by someone else at home when I needed to go out), now tells me she wants to walk from the car and into kindergarten all by herself. She skips ahead of me when we’re walking to shul, and I have to caution her not to go so far by herself! She waits patiently if a door is closed for it to be opened.

She used to seek constant contact and touch (it was labeled as obsessive but I don’t find it beneficial to negatively label behavior in that way), but she doesn’t do that anymore. Sometimes when I ask her if she wants a hug, she’ll say no. For a child who seemed insatiable in her search for physical and emotional connection, it’s just remarkable to see that she feels ‘full’ inside and can refuse loving contact.

Physical coordination – Dd was very clumsy; she would fall over herself a few times in an afternoon and was constantly crying about getting hurt. We spend a lot of time outdoors and all of the outdoor play gave her many opportunities to develop her physical abilities. It took her a long time to figure out how to coordinate herself on a swing, but now she does it effortlessly. She climbs, jumps, runs, swims – and rarely falls down and hurts herself.

Speaking English – Many people who hear the twins speaking to me in English assume they came from an English speaking home. No, not at all. The next assumption people make is they learned English via immersion in our English speaking home. That’s also not true. We switched our entire family to speaking only Hebrew when the twins arrived to increase their feeling of safety by understanding everything that was being said in their vicinity.

People have commented on how surprising it is that they’ve learned so much English in such a short time. My goal was that at the one year mark, I’d be speaking to them completely in English. I’m not quite there – when there’s something complex or corrective with ds, I speak to him in Hebrew to be sure he understands, and as I continue teaching new words every day I give the Hebrew translation. For the last couple of months I’ve reminded my husband, teens and married children that they can and should speak to the twins in English now. Our youngest four children got used speaking Hebrew to one another and still speak to each other almost only in Hebrew. But for the most part we’re back to being English speakers at home again.

That’s a summary of the last year! Despite the unexpected frustrations of dealing with the ‘system’ and the day to day challenges, it’s overall been a good experience for us all. Dd no longer asks me when they’re going to live with another family; they see themselves as family members and so do we.

Knowing that people may read what I write and consider doing foster care, I have to add a cautionary note that to see these results in this time is very unusual. (This is part of the issue the GAL is having with us – since she’s never seen this kind of result in thirty years, she doesn’t believe it’s possible.)

We’ve taken an unusual position of having the kids home as much as possible (home for three of the first four months, I don’t send them to camps, I regularly take them out of school for ‘vacation’ days when I feel they need more home time), combined with a trauma informed parenting approach. Also, just because we’ve gotten this far and the kids are doing well doesn’t mean the hardest behaviors are behind us. Trauma behaviors can show up out of the blue, even after years.

Avivah