Category: Foster Care

I’ve been struggling lately with some things going on after the last committee meeting for the twins. I can jokingly say that parenting by committee is not for wimps but honestly it’s so defeating that last week I felt like quitting – not because of the kids and the complexity of their issues, which I feel capable of dealing with, but because of the system.

Recap: the kids are doing amazingly in every area by everyone’s (sometimes grudging) opinion, far better than anyone expected, and certainly not in nine months. Their emotional and psychological health was given token attention at the committee because they needed to focus on what’s really important.

Dd’s bedroom – it must be pink, have two pictures on the wall and a rug between the beds. I already bought the sheets (with unicorns and rainbows), curtains and rug and am still looking for suitable wall hangings. While it looks cute, as I was hanging the curtains and changing the sheets there was resentment instead of pleasure to have been dictated to in this way. I was warned by someone who knows the person involved, who said she can and will pull the kids if we don’t do exactly what she said.

The other complaint was that dd’s clothing drawer needs to be better organized. I don’t think I previously mentioned that our visitor had all the kids open their closets and drawers for inspection when she came. Even though she had asked specific questions about how dd gets dressed and knew that dd chooses her clothing herself (with my guidance to make sure things match) and therefore jumbles her clothing in the process, this is something I’ve been told needs to be corrected. It’s frustrating because I already organize her drawer every day or two when I put clean clothes in, and the focus on this drawer when the entire house was neat and the boys’ drawers were organized is ridiculous to me.

Those were the official complaints. Sounds good? Let’s continue.

Onto the bio parents feedback. They see the children once or twice a month for an hour during supervised visitation. I was surprised that they acknowledged that the kids seem to be doing very well; I didn’t think they would have that level of awareness even though the change in the kids is visible.

When they spoke to the committee they claimed the children have dirty fingernails, ds smells like urine, they wear clothes that don’t fit properly, they don’t bathe regularly and I don’t tend to their appearance. I was taken aback when I heard this but more shocked that what they said was being considered as evidence.

Ironically, all of these claims were what was said about them and documented for months before the kids were removed from their care. My husband and I both believe they’re trying to make a case against us because they want to get the kids back, and these are things they know are a problem.

We not only have a thirty year history of parenting visibly well-cared for children, we’ve been foster parents for seven years and had monthly social worker visits and school checks all that time. Not only have we never received a complaint, but I get regular compliments on how cute dd always looks (people don’t usually comment on boys’ attire). The teachers have all told the social worker the kids are always clean and dressed appropriately, and dd’s teacher filed a report in which she stated that dd’s hygiene and clothing was at the highest level – which the social worker has seen herself every time she’s done a school or home visit.

None of the facts matter, and I was perplexed why the statements of the parents were being taken as evidence of my neglectful care, particularly in light of their own history. It’s typical of bio parents whose children are in foster care to be very critical of small details; that’s a known phenomenon. But why is the positive testimony that contradicts these false claims being ignored?

It also seems irrelevant how amazing the progress of the children has been.

We are now mandated to have twice monthly meetings with the social worker with a walkthrough of our home each time. Previously she came once a month. We had a walkthrough once before ds7 came as part of the approval process, then never again. For the twins, we had a walkthrough/inspection prior to them coming, and then again when the guardian ad litem came. So having inspections twice a month is out of the norm, particularly when there was nothing wrong except the two points above (lack of pink and the jumbled clothing drawer).

Our social worker is embarrassed to have to do this and has told me though it’s completely unnecessary she has no choice.

Additionally, the guardian ad litem is planning a surprise visit. She will come unannounced when the kids are home and expect a walkthrough of our home on the spur of the moment. We have no idea when this will be.

This has been very stressful to think about, as she has a very critical eye and no tolerance for a mess, regardless of the circumstances. You can imagine if she was upset about the lack of pink sheets and the clothing in the drawer when the house was very neat, what she’ll say when she comes into an actively lived-in home during the most hectic hours of the day.

I don’t understand how this is legal – in the US, police can’t enter the home of suspected criminals without a search warrant. But I haven’t done anything wrong …and still have to have this imposed on me? Having this person in my home feels unsafe to me.

I told my social worker I can’t understand why I’m being treated with suspicion despite all the evidence to the contrary. It just doesn’t make sense.

Since we’re also now being mandated to have parenting classes every other week, I set up a meeting with dd’s therapist. She called our social worker to find out what is going on and thanks to her, learned something that made the puzzle pieces fall into place.

I knew that my social worker was holding back on things this person said about us (before she ever met us ) from a couple of comments about hoping this person could let go of her prejudices once she met us. At the end of our meeting, our therapist explained that the legal rep won’t believe any of the feedback of teachers who see the kids daily because they are all religious, and “It’s known that charedim have a low standard of hygiene.”

This seems to be why what the parents said is taken as factual – because it supports her bigoted beliefs about religious Jews. It’s clear to me that the truth is irrelevant and nothing I do will change her perspective. In fact, I think she’s looking for something that will validate her strong opposition to us before the kids came, to prove to everyone that she was right to not want them here. She thinks we’re lying and so is anyone else who says something in support of us.

I’ve been feeling angry and frustrated and distressed about this for over a week. I’ve tried very, very hard to see everyone involved in a favorable light but at this point there’s not a bone in my body that believes that what is good for the children is the priority.

I’m being treated like an employee who has to do what she’s told, but social services is the last ’employer’ I’d want anything to do with if not for my desire to help the children. I don’t have a voice at all, I can’t say anything to defend myself or explain during the committee meeting – everything is decided on and then handed down to me without my input or clarification.

Generally I move away from dysfunctional people and unhealthy situations and minimize engagement; I don’t try to defend or justify myself. Now I’m forced to deal with an unhealthy system that I’d rather stay far away from, and I find it upsetting that I have to detail how often I bathe the kids and wash their hair, how often I cut their nails, explain that I dress the children in clothing that fits appropriately, etc, etc, etc.

I’ve been tempted to take a picture of the coats I put them in and contrast that with a picture of the oversized coats the parents gave them that will fit them in a year or two (They claimed they had to buy them coats because what I gave them was much too big.) Or to ask the supervisory social worker to note in her report that she has yet to send in, that ds never smelled like urine except for when he wet himself during a visit with his parents because they didn’t take him to the bathroom.

Being told what to do and how to do something will always negatively impact someone’s intrinsic motivation. There was more conversation regarding expanding visitation with their parents and educational choices that may be mandated that may be very different than what we would choose for them, that even further created a question for me as how to stay lovingly engaged with the children when it feels safer for me to detach.

It’s been challenging as I’ve been working through all of these emotions that were stirred up. It’s only today that I found inner calm about it all, and was able to put it all emotionally to the side. It is what it is, and I don’t want to give away my peace of mind to anyone involved.

Avivah

After two weeks of waiting, I finally got feedback on the foster care home visit that recently took place.

The tone of the entire meeting was one of negativity and even hostility towards me. Major positive changes in the children were dismissed with an exclusive focus on external details. I didn’t react to provocatively phrased questions, or to the insinuations that I was lying.

My social worker later told me it was upsetting to be present at the meeting and see how I was treated, but I didn’t take it personally. I trust this person is concerned about the welfare of the children; it’s critical that there to be oversight and supervision for foster children, even if the way it comes across to me is uncomfortable.

Since the meeting took place, I’ve tried not to guess what the reaction or resulting demands on me would be. But I did have some guesses about what kind of things I would hear, based on what elicited the most negativity.

I was so, so wrong.

Nothing that I guessed about was mentioned. Nothing.

During the visit I was asked many detailed questions about different aspects of raising the twins. Here are the criticisms of our foster care arrangements:

-The decor of dd’s room doesn’t feel enough like a girl’s bedroom. Dd’s linen is a floral set with lace edged pillowcases (pale yellow and light blue). When the war began we moved a second bunk bed in since her room is the safe room (in case of missile attacks we would need to have more children sleeping there), and I put matching light blue fitted sheets on each of the other bunks to protect the mattresses. It matches her set and looks nice. But it’s a fact that other than her sheet set the room is gender neutral.

I was told there should be more girls toys displayed. I don’t know if she didn’t notice the two dolls on dd’s bed and admittedly the doll strollers were outside, not in the room. She didn’t like that at the beginning of the meeting that all three children were playing with Duplo (a ‘boy’ toy). I would never have dreamed someone would have looked at that scene of three children playing nicely together in creative ways, and seen the color of the blocks as an issue.

-There isn’t a separate area in dd’s room for her to do projects, or a place on the wall for her projects to be displayed. She doesn’t have a ‘pina shekeita’, a quiet corner of her own.

In our home, bedrooms are mostly for sleeping, and sometimes for playing. But never for crafts. When I take out art supplies for the kids, I put them on the dining room table or outdoor table, and whoever is interested draws or creates there. We display projects on the fridge or sometimes the front door; no one has their own display area. Ironically, dd6 is the only child in the house who has her own room, and while she has a quiet place to play alone, she adamantly doesn’t want to be alone.

The social worker said that if I had a picture of a unicorn and rainbow on the wall the person who complained would have been happier. I laughed and told her dd’s backpack and lunch box are both pink and have unicorns and rainbows on them, she has plenty of pink clothes and feels very happy as the only girl in the family at this time. I don’t think she’s beleaguered by the lack of lavender sheets or pink magnet tiles, but I don’t have a problem with making her room more feminine.

I was concerned that the committee was once again going to impose something on my that would compromise my family, and this focus is a relief to me. While to me this feels like minutia I understand others have a different perspective on what is important. In any case, it’s all very easily remedied – I’ll spend a couple of hundred shekels on pink curtains and pink sheets, and maybe find a girly looking wall decoration. Voila. A suitable foster home for a little girl.

For someone who has an critical eye to find so little to complain about feels like a major accomplishment, and I’m pleased with the outcome.

Avivah

Last week we had a home visit with our social worker, the head of the foster care agency, and the guardian ad litem (court appointed legal representative for the twins – GAL).

It’s taken me until now to find a way to consistently feel neutral towards the GAL after this visit. I’ve repeatedly told myself she means well, but every time I think that to myself, the phrase ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’ pops into my mind.

Prior to her visit, I took time with myself to think about how I wanted to interact with her. I guessed she would be very detail oriented and more interested in facts than feelings. That proved to be very accurate.

My own intention was to communicate without allowing myself to be put on the defensive and not worry about what she thought of me, and that was also very appropriate.

I’ve written and rewritten this post, trying to describe a little bit of what it was like as cautiously as possible. My husband has said that since my blog can be publicly accessed, he doesn’t think I should say anything. As such, I’ve deleted all descriptions of what happened.

Overall the meeting went extremely well. I presumed good intentions on her part and stayed calm and composed throughout the entire visit. Dd6, ds6 and ds7 were all home and they couldn’t not have been more well-behaved or responded to her questions better than they did.

It’s not easy to do so much for these children, to see so many positive changes, and have everything peremptorily dismissed as not even worthy of comment. Perhaps it’s common for lawyers to speak to people outside of the courtroom as if they are a defendant on the witness stand, asking leading questions and badgering the witness.

The thing that is hardest for me about foster care is seeing that our children are pawns in a system that doesn’t make their well-being the most important concern. I keep reminding myself that Hashem sent this person to us and she’s doing exactly what she’s meant to do.
I have no way to overcome prejudices that someone else holds that have nothing to do with me.

The reason I didn’t want to write about this until now is because I’ve been searching to put this interaction into a positive perspective, to find a way to give the benefit of the doubt. I don’t like thinking negatively about people and I’ve been trying to feel compassion for this individual, but wasn’t succeeding at all.

Yesterday I spoke with the man who founded the speech method that I’ve recently begun studying. He mentioned that one definition of apraxia of speech is that it can’t be treated. What happens when someone develops a method which has helped hundreds of children who supposedly can’t talk, learn to speak?

Do they rush to his door and ask to learn what he did? Do they tell him how amazing it is that he did something they didn’t think is possible?

No. They stick to their conviction that it can’t be done, even in the face of evidence that shows otherwise. He said this is the natural reaction of the established system in every area.

This comment was like a thunderbolt to me. I had been asking Hashem to help me find a way to think positively about this person, and then I heard this. I realized she’s just reacting the way people in an established system react to something outside of their experience.

There was a lot of focus on the negative behaviors that were part of the past file of one of the children. She said she’s never seen negative behaviors like this dissipate so quickly like they did when the children came to us, and that she can’t see how it’s possible.

If the baseline assumption is that this kind of change can’t be possible because she hasn’t seen it before, then there are only two options: 1) to consider that there’s something to learn from this new outcome and explore how it happened – but there was absolutely no interest in what we did and how that might have positively impacted the children.

Option 2: to insist that it’s not possible and solicit confirmation for her initial decision to oppose placement with us as not being in the best interest of the children.

Thinking about this being a normal reaction to something unfamiliar and unexpected makes this so much easier for me to accept. I don’t want to see her as an enemy who is trying to make my life miserable

It’s also helped release the tension I was feeling trying to anticipate what demands she’s going to impose on me when the committee meets for a follow-up. Now I’ve been able to return to my initial feeling that whatever will be, will be, and trust everything will work out as it’s meant to.

Avivah

When ds11 was younger, I noticed how often people wanted to hug him. You know, you see a cute little kid with Down syndrome, and strangers wanted to hug him after a brief interaction.

I didn’t like it but was sometimes caught off guard and didn’t respond as protectively as I should have. It’s uncomfortable to tell nice and well-meaning people to get their hands off your child. But the years have gone by and my backbone has grown stronger.

When dd6 entered the family, she had an attachment disorder. She didn’t feel an attachment to any one person, and as a result, would try to attach to any adult in her perimeter. She needed to develop trust in her primary attachment figures (now that’s us), and simultaneously, to learn that we don’t hug people outside of the family. It’s obviously important to feel protected and loved, but also important for her safety to minimize her risk of victimization.

It’s amazing how much questioning and even pushback there is when I tell an adult that they can’t hug her. We had an older woman at our outdoor menorah lighting the first night of Chanukah. I gave her a hug to welcome her, and on seeing the kids, she held out her arms for them to hug her. Now, the twins have never met her, and ds7 and ds11 have hardly ever seen her. I told her with a smile (also a cue to the kids how to respond), “Hugs are just for family.”

“But why?” Let’s put aside that my daughter has an attachment disorder that would put her at risk if we didn’t help her develop a very clear sense of boundaries. Why is it okay for you to hug children who don’t know you? Why do people take it so personally when parents, who determine what is appropriate for their children and presumably have their best interests in mind, tell them that they can’t hug their children? Why do adults think it is their right to hug a child?

I took ds7 to the feed store a couple of days ago. The woman there remembered him from a past trip when my husband took him. She gave him a treat, then said, “Give me a hug.” Nope, I told her, hugs are for family.

“But why?” People don’t ask with a tone of casual interest, but irritation and annoyance, as if I’ve taken away something they deserve. Why? Because children are not objects and they have the right to bodily integrity. I as an adult can choose to hug another adult who I am not related to, and that is based on mutual feelings of connection and consent between us. But that balance isn’t present between an adult and child; no one has the right to impose himself on someone who is small and powerless.

When I see my grandchildren who live far away, I recognize that not all of them are ready for a hug as soon as they see me. I won’t hug my grandchild if I see she feels uncomfortable, and I certainly wouldn’t hug a child I hardly know at all to show what a friendly and kind person I am.

As a parent of children with special needs, our children are often asked to hug people they hardly know on demand. While presumably this comes usually comes from a desire to be friendly, it’s important for adults to be respectful of the personal space of a child. Don’t assume it’s okay to touch someone who hardly knows you.

Yesterday the guardian ad litem came to visit, together with our social worker and the head supervisor of the foster care agency. Many months ago, she had once visited each of the twins in their preschools. After a long visit (grilling? interrogation?), the last thing she did was ask the kids to see their rooms. After ascertaining where they each sleep, she held out her arms first to ds6 and said, “Ten li chibuki” (give me a huggie). Since he named the stuffed dog he sleeps with Chibuki, he was confused and thought that she was telling him to give her his doll. But he saw her holding out her arms to him and started to move toward her.

I told her, “Hugs are only for family.” (I know there’s the potential for a person to feel slighted so to mitigate that I always say this in a light tone and in a way that’s clear this is our family guideline, that it’s not personal.)

Without missing a beat, she replied, “But it’s okay for special people to hug them.” This obviously means the rules don’t apply to her. “No,” I told her firmly, “just family”. She wasn’t happy with that, and demanded to know why. I told her we have safeguards in place for dd6 and these now apply to all of our children equally. She knows dd’s history and should have been much more receptive and understanding to, if not appreciative of, the importance of these guidelines.

I’ve talked to dd6’s teachers and tutor about the hugging issue. (I don’t have to talk to ds’s teachers because he isn’t soliciting contact and they aren’t hugging him.) When I first met the tutor and saw her hold out her arms to dd for a hug, I told her, “Hugs are just for family” (chibukim rak l’mishpacha – as you can see, it’s practically a mantra). Of course she was a bit affronted until I explained why; she was then very respectful and understanding, and continues to be very warm but without the hugs.

Dd was starved for affection and touch when she came to us, and solicited contact from anyone whom she came into contact with. When a new adult came into her orbit, she couldn’t relax or stay connected emotionally to me, because she needed to connect to that person. After weeks in our home and wanting to be with me nonstop, she would instantly and completely emotionally detach from me when someone else came in to the room – it was as if I didn’t exist anymore. She went into survival mode and her survival, to her, entailed a laser focus on connecting to the newest person in the vicinity.

She doesn’t do that anymore. She gets tons of hugs and kisses from us, and sometimes when I’ll ask her if she wants a hug, she’ll decline. It’s incredible for someone who was so empty for so long to now feel full enough to not need more contact in that moment. As she’s become more secure that we love her and will consistently be there for her, together with the reminders about who we hug and who we don’t, she’s become very appropriate in her interactions.

The majority of people I know wouldn’t see it as appropriate to hug children who aren’t their own , whom they have a minimal relationship with. It’s interesting to see how many people who hardly know my children think it’s not only okay, but appropriate and positive to hug them. What are your thoughts on this?

Avivah

I’m getting a lot of opportunities in a one week period to discuss how the twins were when they first arrived at our home 7.5 months ago, and it’s providing me with a lot of reflection.

First I had an hour long conversation with our social worker, who is preparing a report for the follow-up from the first committee meeting that took place the month after they were placed with us.

Last week I had a meeting with dd6’s kindergarten teacher, private teacher, and the head of special ed in the area. Though there are a couple of areas that they brought up that could use improvement, overall she is doing really well.

I’ll be meeting in the morning with my husband for the intake for the therapist for ds6, who will be starting movement therapy with him at his kindergarten once a week.

In a couple of days, our social worker will be coming for a visit with the guardian ad litem (kids’ court representative), who has been a proverbial thorn from before the placement took place. (I know she’s operating from what she feels to be in the best interest of the children, which she has until now has been convinced is not with us, because we’re charedi and because of where we live. This is why she opposed their placement here and advocated for them to instead be placed in separate adoptive homes.)

My social worker has been pushing her very much to meet us, because she thinks if she would know who we actually are, she would be able to move past the stigmas she’s operating under. I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. Since she’s a lawyer, I have a feeling we’ll be talking more about more nuts and bolts like wanting to see the beds the kids sleep in than their emotional state, but we’ll also be talking with her about how they were when they came and how they are now.

Yesterday my husband and I had an intake meeting with the child therapist for dd6. I got a really good feeling from her the moment we stepped into her therapy room – it was cozy, super child friendly, homey and authentic. A very good vibe, and I really enjoyed meeting her. (I have a lot of meetings for the twins because I have to, but my husband also said this was one that he also enjoyed.) She’s been doing this therapeutic work with children for 20 something years, is a parent of six, one of whom was adopted from foster care and one who is currently a foster child but in the process of being adopted. It’s a very nice and unexpected bonus that she has personal experience and perspective as a foster parent. Not only that, her foster child has the same guardian ad litem as the twins, so she understands the personality we’re dealing with.

I’m glad for dd6 that she’ll have a weekly opportunity to meet with this therapist. She seems fantastic! We spent the full hour going over dd’s history, and a little bit about our overall approach (there wasn’t enough time to go into detail about all the things we did and why). Usually she told me she has the session for the child together with the parent so she can give the parent guidance about how to support the child, but said in my case it won’t be necessary. She said we’ve done an amazing job and she doesn’t see why dd6 needs to come for therapy after all the work I’ve done with her. I explained that the court has determined it’s a prerequisite, and though I don’t think dd6 needs it, it can only benefit her.

She found it remarkable that in less than eight months dd and ds now have a good relationship, based on their history. When I corrected her and shared that four months after they came when they started school, I remember their teachers commenting on their beautiful relationship (“Oh, you can tell they’re twins by how close they are!” If only they knew…), she was shocked.

We’ve seen so many positive changes in the time that they’re with us, that describing them as they were and as they are now is describing very different behavior. I understand why it’s hard for someone with a legal background (guardian ad litem) to believe. Those with a psychology background understand why and how they could have grown so much but the speed is pretty remarkable to everyone, including me.

I attribute their tremendous emotional (and for ds – cognitive) growth in large part to them having spent three of the first four months of their placement with us at home full-time. Then after only a couple of week of school, there were over a month of holidays and then vacation due to the war, so it’s just in the last couple of months that they’ve been in kindergarten regularly. That has provided me with a lot of time with them, and them with me. (Obviously I’m not the only one in the house with them, but I’m the main caretaker.) It’s built a foundation of emotional security and trust for them that we couldn’t have built if they had been out of the house most of the day, for most of these months.

I’ve written before regarding my caution about parents depending on a weekly therapy to create a meaningful difference in a child. I was then writing about therapies like PT, OT, and speech. But I think the same thing is true with emotional therapy – once a week is great, but what happens the rest of the week? If you’re not actively following through on whatever the therapist is working on, the benefit is going to be much less than it could be.

While we aren’t officially labeled as a therapeutic foster home, in practice the kids have benefited from all day long ‘therapy’. Cognitive, sensory, language, constantly talking about emotions, how to deal with them, demonstrating, practicing – again and again and again.

We also have a number of physical aspects of our home – particularly our animals and outdoor space – that have been beneficial for them. When ds came, he spent long periods of time daily hugging and stroking our dog (suffocatingly so; our dog is very tolerant though I could tell he didn’t enjoy it). At least a few times a day he would say, “Right, Sheleg loves me and I love him?” I don’t know at what point I noticed that he didn’t do that anymore, but it was a very long time ago. Ds found a way to soothe himself in a healthy way and calm his anxieties that he could control from the very first day he was here, and gradually let go of that focus on our dog when he didn’t need it anymore.

As far as the outdoor space, it’s impossible for me to summarize the many benefits of hours of daily outdoor play for a child’s development. Books have been written about it.

Please don’t read this as me being self-congratulatory, because that’s not my intention. When we were told about the twins, it was a pretty intimidating description. My husband and I looked at each other and both of us wondered if this was going to be too much for us.

It has been a lot of work. While adding two young children clearly adds more physical work, the significant work was needing to stretch my patience and actively practice a higher level of self-awareness when interacting with them. Sometimes I felt very annoyed by things they did. I’ve worked hard to be kind and compassionate even when that wasn’t my natural reaction to what was happening in front of me. Prior to them coming I had a pretty high level of patience with my children and took most things in stride without being too bothered. I found myself tested in new ways when the twins came.

I struggled to find the balance between establishing and maintaining the super clear boundaries they needed, and feeling like a corrections officer. Different languages bring out different qualities in people, and when I speak Hebrew I feel like a tougher version of myself. Here I was speaking Hebrew with these children while needing to be extremely black and white about boundaries, and I often didn’t feel like my more relaxed self.

Changes happen slowly when you’re in the middle of things, and it was only recently that I realized it had been a long time since I felt very bothered by something they had done.

It’s very moving to see how well the twins have adjusted and are developing. It’s especially nice when people outside of our family validate that. While it hasn’t always been easy, I’m really glad they’re part of our family.

Avivah

Can you believe seven months have passed since the twins joined our family?

Overall they are doing well. I’ve seen a lot of positive changes, and I also continue to see areas that will take more time and input to shift. Overall they are sweet children who need a lot – a lot – of time, connection and supervision. Sometimes I feel like they take up all the emotional air in the home and am specifically concerned about ds7 getting his needs met, since he is so easygoing and non-demanding. I try to pay extra attention to him and do things with him that they don’t get to do.

It was very positive and important for them and for us that they were home with us for three of the first four months. We saw a lot of emotional development; dd6 was about a three year old level and is now close to her actual age. Ds6 was at the level of a very young toddler when he came; possibly an eighteen month old but not more than a two year old. Now he’s more like a four year old. (These are just my own personal assessments, not anything official.) During that time we were able to learn their typical behaviors and see who they really were without the external stressors of school.

As soon as they began going to school, I saw both of them showing significant negative changes in their behavior. Dd6 would scream within minutes of picking her up from kindergarten and continued throughout the afternoon until she went to sleep. She was hitting her siblings constantly, jumping up and down while screaming and screeching about everything that wasn’t the way she wanted it (which was almost everything).

Not only was she emotionally extremely reactive, but she was screaming at me – something she had never done. I saw she had no inner brakes, no emotionally capacity to hold the attachment when she was away so many hours. Once she was dysregulated to this degree, there was no way to calm her down; she rejected any kind of touch or loving gesture. I was so glad that we knew how sweet and loving she could be because she really became intolerable for everyone to be around.

Ds6 also had behavior changes, but it showed up differently. Though they both have ADD/ADHD diagnoses (almost all foster/adoptees have this at this age), as soon as he went back to school I saw it very clearly. He literally was vibrating when I picked him up from school. He made lots of sounds with his mouth and his body was wired; he had so much pent up energy. He was unfocused and seemingly didn’t hear instructions or respond to it. He kicked and hit even his teenage siblings over no provocation.

Since all of this behavior change happened as soon as they went to school, it was clear to me that the school day was too long for them. When I kept them home, I didn’t see any of this. There could be tiredness or unhappiness, but that was easily addressed. Our social worker said they would get used to the school day and it would get better, but I didn’t agree. I thought that the demands of the school day were overwhelming their capacity to cope.

I spoke to our parenting counselor about my hesitation about sending them for the extended afternoon program (school ends at 2 but the extended program continues until 3:45). I had agreed to take the twins with the understanding they would be home from school around 5 pm and that I would have time to spend with ds11 and ds7 every day when the twins weren’t here – that was a critical consideration.

My dilemma was that if I didn’t send them for the extended program, I had no time with just the two boys. Even with twins in the extended program, I hardly had time with the boys because they would eat lunch when they got home, and then I had to leave for pickup soon after that. If I did send them for the extended program, they became increasingly unpleasant and difficult to be with, and that’s harder for everyone in the house.

The parenting counselor said there’s no right answer about that, and that her concern is that I’m supporting their needs in so many ways (she called me ‘a full therapeutic staff’) that she doesn’t want to see me burn out.

I experimented with taking them to school later and picking them up earlier to see what their inner set points for being away from home were. At the end of October I decided I would do the earlier pickup from school. However, I then learned that lunch is served only for the children who stay for the afternoon program. Having to cook lunch for them was an additional demand at a time that I had a lot of demands on me (by this time my mom was staying with us).

Additionally, when I picked up dd6 early, she threw herself crying and screaming on the floor of her kindergarten and became almost hysterical because she didn’t get to eat there. Food or perceived lack of it is very emotional for her and that was the point that made me decide to leave her at the afternoon program – so she could eat the food with her peers. I couldn’t go out for two different pickup times, so ds stayed longer as well.

Right now we’re still in process. It’s almost easier for me to have them at home than to send them to school because the after school behaviors take so much emotional energy to manage, and it’s never ideal to guide or direct children when you don’t have a working positive attachment with them. They love staying home with me and almost every day ask to stay home, which is interesting because in their past foster home, going to school was their highlight and what they never wanted to miss. (Threatening them that they wouldn’t be able to go to school was the best behavioral incentive she had.)

What has been very helpful for them is keeping them home one day a week (usually not on the same day but together with ds11 or ds7). The positive effects last beyond the day that they stay home. I’ve experimented with different pickup and drop off times to find the point that they can tolerate without disintegrating, and have been taking them to school later in the morning to shorten the time they’re away.

Dd6 has begun telling her teachers she doesn’t want to stay in the afternoon, that she wants to go home. This is a shift for her, because in the beginning she wanted to do what all the other girls were doing and stay for the full time. After Chanuka I intend to begin picking them up as soon as they finish eating, so they’ll only be staying a half hour or so longer. Every way that we can shorten the day for them makes a difference.

It’s also critical to brace myself emotionally before they come home so that I’m prepared for their behavior. When I’m expecting them to act in a pleasant manner, it’s never helpful because then I feel frustrated by the discrepancy between my expectations and the reality.

As Chanuka begins, I’ve already told their teachers they won’t be coming for the Chanuka camp next week, and they won’t be coming today even though officially school is still in session. Ds11 and ds7 will also be home. It’s a different kind of busy on the days they stay home; it takes much more time but everyone’s emotions are on a much more even keel.

Avivah

When children come into foster care, there’s often a need for neglected doctor visits and dental care to be tended to.

One of the first things I was told by the social worker after the twins’ placement was to get dd6 a hearing test. I took her to the doctor, got the referral for the hearing test, and then submitted it for an appointment. Soon after I was told it was denied because she had a hearing test just a few months before, and that I needed to be in touch with her past foster mother for the results.

Since the results of the hearing test weren’t submitted to the doctor, it wasn’t on her record. I don’t know if their social worker wasn’t notified that it was done or she didn’t notify the committee, but that’s the kind of thing that can happen with foster care. Happily, otherwise all is well with her.

Next, I took ds6 to the doctor to get a baseline checkup for him. It turned out to be very very fortuitous that the local pediatrician on their health plan is actually a pediatric endocrinologist. She requested labwork for him, and when it came back normal, told me she wants to run more tests. Most doctors would have left it at that – his numbers are ideal so there’s seemingly nothing to do.

Since this is her area of expertise, the perfect bloodwork creates another questions and she wants to determine if daily medication is actually necessary – is his blood work perfect because he has the ideal medication amount or does he not need medication at all? There’s nothing in his medical record that indicates why he was given this medication or diagnosis; when there’s an issue like this there’s supposed to be blood work done every three months. His last blood work was in 2019, over four years ago.

She gave me a list of tests he needs; none of which could be performed in either of the two cities a half hour drive away for several months. Since I didn’t want any further delays in having this taken care of, I took the earliest appointments available, regardless of distance. That resulted in an hour and a half drive for the first appointment, only to be told that I needed an additional doctor to do this test with the technician, and that doctor wasn’t available at that location. Not only that, the receptionist didn’t know when or where or how I could schedule an appointment with both of these people simultaneously if I called the scheduling hotline.

The receptionist was very apologetic and so helpful. Early the next morning she took the initiative to directly contact the only technician in the health clinic staff who has the expertise to perform this testing without a physician. She told me that if I got to a different city (also over an hour away) within the next few hours, he would take us without an appointment. I had plans for the morning and all the kids were home, but off we went, hoping to make it before it was too late. Thankfully we made it.

I took those results back to the pediatrician. That test brought up another concern that necessitated a visit to a different specialist in – yes – a city over an hour away. I was able to get an appointment a couple of days before Rosh Hashana. She was an older Russian physician, who harshly asked me why I waited until he was six to take care of something that should have been done when he was two. I covered the ears of ds6 and told her I’m his foster parent and am trying to get all of this taken care of as quickly as I can. As soon as she heard that her judgmental attitude and icy demeanor dissolved.

The next morning I took him to the dentist to get his teeth checked out. Amazingly, he had no cavities. I don’t even understand how that’s possible but I was so relieved. Afterwards we did some shopping together to make it a special Mommy outing for him, before taking him back to school. It’s always nice to have one on one time with children, and he loved it.

The most recent specialist visit resulted in a referral to a hospital procedure that ds6 will need. The last time I called this hospital I spent twenty five minutes waiting for a person but did get someone, and hopefully by the end of this week I’ll have that appointment made.

As far as hospital appointments, I’m still waiting to have a different test scheduled at a different hospital. (The hospital closest to me doesn’t perform this testing for children under ten.) It took a month of calling until I got a live person to tell me that I needed to submit the referral by fax or email. To do that, I had to return to the doctor and request that the referral be printed out since the hospital can’t access the computer records, then have it sent it. It’s been several weeks and I haven’t yet heard back from them.

Once I have all of this testing completed, I can go back to the pediatrician to evaluate what is going on with him. It’s been really busy taking care of all of this on top of the other things going on, but I’m so appreciative of her thoroughness and expertise, and hope that soon we’ll have resolved the issues that need to be addressed and have clarity about if there’s anything else he needs to stay healthy.

Avivah

When children are in foster care, visits with their biological parents are supposed to occur on a regular basis. Sometimes the children visit the home where their parents live, and sometimes they have supervised visits at an alternate location.

In our case, the twins have supervised visits every other week. These visits take place in a center established for this purpose at the social services complex.

The first time I took the twins, it felt a bit like being in a spy movie. Since the parents aren’t supposed to see me (though I was told eventually the children will give them enough information that the parents will figure out who we are), I have to park down the street, call to confirm the parents were there, and only once the parents were inside could I park next to the building. Once I hear that they’re inside the center, I park in front of the building.

Then I take the kids inside the building where I meet the social worker who facilitates the meeting in the reception area, and she takes them to the center downstairs.

When it’s time to pick them up, it’s done in reverse. I go into the building, wait near the entrance and the social worker brings them to me. Then she waits until I’ve had time to pull away and only then the parents are told to leave the center.

These visits are important for the children and their parents, to maintain and build their relationships with one another. It’s just twice a month, an hour each time, and the children are so excited for each visit. I’m glad for them that it’s such a nice experience

Their parents bring snacks for the visit, and they also come home with snacks and presents. After one visit, ds6 had stomach pains for hours. He told me his stomach hurt because he ate so many treats. He was crying in pain all evening and woke up twice crying from stomach pains in the middle of the night; then he stayed home with a fever the next day. My social worker told me it was appropriate to let the social worker at the center know so the parents would have helpful feedback.

Each time they come out from a visit, each of the twins are holding family size bags of snacks instead of small individual bags. (That doesn’t include what they eat during the visit.) Knowing what amount is appropriate for young children isn’t intuitive or obvious to everyone. At the beginning of a visit, I told the visitation social worker how sick ds6 had been and requested that the parents give a smaller quantity of snacks; she shrugged and said she didn’t think they were eating too many snacks. Just an hour later dd6 came out of her visit and told me that her stomach was hurting.

I think it would be a kindness to let the parents to know things like their shoe size and what toys are appropriate for their age – they’re buying the gifts and shoes anyway – but the social worker doesn’t seem interested in sharing feedback with them. I don’t feel it’s fair to the parents or the children not to give them appropriate information. The parents give gifts that are minimally used and don’t garner much excitement, and the children get things that are of minimal value to them.

When dd6 received sandals that were too small, she was so excited that I let her wear them to school for a week, even though her toes were sticking out over the top. But after that, I put them away because they weren’t suitable. If they fit her, I would have had her wear them to each visit so her parents could have the pleasure of seeing her enjoy the shoes they bought.

Then two months later they were given flip flops – again, too small. If they had been told the childrens’ shoe size after the first pair of shoes were purchased, these flip flops would have been a gift the children could have enjoyed more. And the toys they are given … it’s a waste of their resources to give things that are hardly looked at after the first day.

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A couple of weeks ago it was their birthday, and on the drive there the children were excitedly detailing all the things their parents would bring them: bicycles and scooters and cake and balloons and treats and more. I cautioned them that it might be different than that and they’d have to wait to see what their parents brought.

Unfortunately, after arriving at the building we learned their parents wouldn’t be coming. When the social worker called to find out when they would be arriving, they told her they had called in advance to notify them that they wouldn’t be there that day, but if that was the case, no one got the message.

As you can imagine, this was particularly disappointing and painful for the children. There is always a lot of anticipation the day of the visit, and this time there was even more because of the birthday. While generally I don’t see any negative behaviors after the visits, that time it was really hard. Ds6 repeatedly cried for his father and for the entire afternoon and next day repeatedly insisted he had to see his parents.

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When I looked at the Facebook account of their parents, I saw a post in honor of their birthday: past pictures of the parents together with the children (all taken at the mediation center) and the mother’s beautiful declaration of love for her children. Following that were comments, one of which was, “The most perfect family ever!”

The father’s account had an equally beautiful declaration of love for them on their birthday, concluding with, “Dear children, all you have to do is keep growing and smiling. Leave all the rest to abba and imma, we’re taking care of everything for you.”

There’s no mention on either of their Facebook pages about the children being removed from their care, nor that they missed that important birthday visit. I found it so reflective of the artificial and manipulated world of social media that people can post a picture of their beautiful family and have gushing positive responses, while the well-cared for children they see are those I care for in my home, in the clothing I bought and dressed them in.

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While there are minor blips in the visitation experience, I’m appreciative that they have supervised visitations rather than in-home visits. Another foster mother told me of the difficulty in sending her foster children back to a violent home each Shabbos. They would come back agitated and stressed, and by the time they would calm down, it was time for the next visit. I’m so grateful we don’t have to deal with anything like that.

Avivah

It’s really interesting for me to be in the middle of the management meetings for two very different foster care placements.

The reasons that ds6 and the twins came into foster care were very different, and legally that has ramifications for how their cases are handled, as I’m seeing with the committee meetings for each of them taking place one day after another. The twins’ case is considered complex so there are extra voices involved in what happens with them.

The social worker called at the end of last week to review the details of the meeting and give me my new ‘to do’ list.

The meeting began with her report, in which she shared how the twins were when they came, and how they’re doing now. She gave a number of specific examples of improvements of what their behaviors were and what they are now. All markers of well-being are improved, some dramatically so.

If you expected the committee to be relieved or even pleased to hear the children have had a good transition and are thriving – they’re not.

Her report was challenged. Two people in attendance said it can’t be that so much change would be possible in this time period. Bad behaviors can’t just disappear. Their explanation? The behaviors must be happening and either I’m not seeing it, or I’m seeing it and not reporting it. The social worker told them that’s not likely being that we supervise them so closely around the clock, and told them to come and meet us and see the kids to see for themselves.

Then there were a couple of things they’re unhappy about:

–I didn’t yet have a meeting with the parenting instructor, and they want that person to come and see the children in person. This is the first time I was hearing that she needs to see them; that was never part of the conversation before. I don’t mind, though. Whoever wants can come and see them.

I told them previously I was willing to set up a meeting and they said the therapist would be in touch with me. She called yesterday morning, and my husband and I had a meeting with her last night.

–The children are sleeping in the same room. When I originally was asked about taking the children, I asked if they could sleep in the same room and was told they could. If I had been told they needed rooms of their own, that would have been a deal breaker for me and I wouldn’t have been able to agree to have them. Right before they came, there was a sudden demand that they be split up and given different rooms. I told my social worker I couldn’t accommodate that, and she said we could put it to the side.

Well, someone on the committee is furious and my social worker has said they’re willing to pull the kids from us and send them to separate homes rather than leave them in the same room.

Whether I like or agree with it or not, I’m not going to play with the lives of the twins; that’s for the committee members to do. So at this point I have to find a way to accommodate them.

Since I don’t have extra bedrooms available, the only possible option is to put ds5 in the same room as ds11 and ds6, and give dd5 her own room. I couldn’t have done this before knowing the children, because I wouldn’t have put our boys at risk by having them share a room with a child with unknown behavior. Now that the twins have been here for eleven weeks, safety is no longer a concern.

I switched the sleeping arrangements that same day my social worker called even though it’s better for all of the children involved to leave the sleeping arrangements as they are. People who don’t know the children are making these decisions based on concerns that aren’t relevant and that’s frustrating for me.

Sharing a room has been very comforting for the twins. They came unable to get along with one another and the previous dynamic between them puzzled me, because it was so much the opposite of what I would have anticipated in a scenario like theirs.

Whatever their relationship was, we’re constantly guiding them in how to interact appropriately, and now they get along well, look out for each other, and enjoy spending time together. Dd5 does not want to sleep in a room by herself; she gets scared and lonely when she’s alone and when I told her she’s going to have her teddy bear with her, that was scant consolation. It’s been a few nights now and she keeps asking me why she has to sleep alone.

As far as moving ds5 into the boys’ room, I had a few reasons I preferred he not be there.

Until now the boys’ room was their sanctuary where they could go when they wanted to play together without the twins, without anyone touching their things. They could close the door and no one could come in without their permission. This personal space was important for them; I wanted them to know that their space, their toys, and their relationship with one another didn’t have to be shared.

Now that ds5 is in that room, it’s hard for everyone involved to have any privacy. Ds5 doesn’t have a good sense of boundaries or an internal sense of what appropriate usage of items is. He touches everything and needs very close guidance as to what can be used and how it can be used.

Previously he had a room that was his, he knew it was his stuff and he could touch whatever he wanted. Not only that, he could tell others to stay out if he wanted – they had to honor his boundaries, just like he had to honor their boundaries if they didn’t want him to come into their room. All of that was very good and healthy.

Now he’s in a room with things that are mostly off limits to him, that are special to ds11 and ds6. It’s already created so many conflicts…Ds6 is really struggling emotionally, whereas until this bedroom switch he was doing great. The social worker was amazed by his ability to sincerely welcome and include the twins, without feeling his place had been stolen.

We’ve focused from the time they’ve come on giving him tons of time and attention, and he’s felt secure with them being here. Until now. In the last few days he’s been crying often, getting hurt and insulted over very little things, getting upset at the twins for little things, constantly snatching his toys way and telling them not to touch them, and is generally unhappy. This is a child with a very sunny and easygoing nature. It hurts me to see him struggling. We’re doing our best to support everyone’s adjustment and hopefully soon they’ll all get used to it.

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A positive development that came up was that both twins will be placed in a new gan safa (kindergarten with extra supports) that will be opening in Yavneel. I’ve been trying and trying to find schools for them for the coming year and had no luck, so on one hand I’m relieved.

On the other hand, I don’t want them both in the same small class because it isn’t healthy for them – they need their time apart to develop their own relationships and this will push dd5 into a caregiving role for ds5 for the hours they are at school.

The concern of the two of them being in the same class was also discussed at the meeting. The brilliant committee minds found a perfect solution: since dd5 is on a higher level, they decided she can stay in this kindergarten for a few months, then be moved to a regular kindergarten without any supports.

I don’t want to say more than that’s not a plan that will be positive for her. But I’m continuing to trust that it will all work out for the best. Dealing with these committees is very good practice in emotionally letting go.

(Update: Immediately after publishing this, I got an update from the social worker that there’s another change happening now – since dd5 is the only girl out of nine children registered for this kindergarten, they’re going to place her in a regular kindergarten instead. The twins won’t be together, which is really good, and she won’t have to make a switch in the middle of the year, which is also good, but she will be in a large class without the supports that she is supposed to have.)

In response to the question previously asked in the comment section: are the social workers pleased with how well the twins are doing?

At this meeting, it doesn’t seem any appreciation for or positivity about their progress was noted and instead they are skeptical that they could be doing so well because they ‘know’ these kids are difficult.

Time will do its work. Right now there’s a lot of oversight because it’s a new placement and the committee members have a lot of concerns based on the past. Hopefully as things fall into place and they see that we’re working with them, they’ll become more relaxed, and future committee meetings will be more positive.

Avivah