One morning last week I was helping dd5 with something, when she exclaimed, “I’m happy!” “That’s nice,” I responded. “Why are you happy?”

And she answered, “I’m happy because I came to your family!”

Sometimes she’s bouncing from one thing to another and in the midst of it, heart-warming statements like this come out.

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I do a nightly read aloud with the twins using a flashlight to shine on the book since the night light isn’t bright enough. On Friday nights, I can’t use a flashlight so instead, I began telling them a story I made up – a story of how the twins arrived to our family. I describe how Hashem was looking for the best family for them, and the best children for us, and how he made the match. Then they arrived, one wrapped in silver paper and the other wrapped in gold paper, and I describe how happy we were as we unwrapped each of them and saw who they were. I end the story by telling them they are ‘matanot mishamayim – gifts from heaven’.

Yesterday I was in the pool with dd5 when she asked me, “Right I was sent to you from heaven?” “That’s right,” I responded, “You’re our present from heaven.” And she told me, “You’re also from heaven, for me.”

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This morning as I was helping ds5 get dressed, he told me he doesn’t want to go to kindergarten (which he loves so much that his past foster mother told him the biggest threat was telling him he wouldn’t be allowed to go). I asked him why he doesn’t want to go, and he told me he only wants to be at home, he likes that the best.

They’re doing really great, thank G-d.

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Since the twins are native Hebrew speakers and we are native English speakers, we’ve been asked how we’re dealing with that.

While I intend for them to eventually become fluent English speakers, the immediate priority has been to make them feel welcome and secure in our home. This meant only speaking to them in Hebrew, and dramatically limiting the Hebrew we spoke in their presence.

Israelis have chastised me for this, “No, you should speak to them in English, kids are fast learners!” Their comments are well-intended and reflect the value they have for fluent English. Practically speaking, doing as they suggest would increase the trauma for children moving to a new home, putting them in a situation where they have no idea what is going on around them or what people are saying to them. I’ve reassured the concerned Israelis that they’ll end up speaking English very well without adding to the trauma.

If the twins are nearby when I need to say something to ds6 or ds10, I’ll speak to the boys in Hebrew so the twins know what’s being said and don’t feel excluded. If we’re all at the dinner table, it’s mostly Hebrew. (In the beginning it was only Hebrew if they were around, but we’re slowly backing into more English with the older family members.)

If I’m speaking with my husband or one of the teens, I’ll speak in English as usual. They regularly ask us to translate different words and phrases they pick out.

A few days after they arrived, I began to slip in English words when referring to things that were obvious to them, like ‘grape juice’ when giving them kiddush, ‘chicken’ when serving dinner, ‘water’ when they ask for a drink, etc. They routinely use these words in the middle of Hebrew sentences now. I was amused when dd5, enjoying refreshments at her end of the year kindergarten party, asked the boy next to her in Hebrew, “Can you please pass me the ‘water’? (‘Water’ was said in English.) He looked at her quizzically and asked, “What’s ‘water’?

They’ve accumulated a good number of words like this, and the longer they’re here, the faster they increase their vocabulary.

They’re also picking up words and phrases on their own: ‘Come on, let’s go home, excuse me, you’re excused, please, no, stop, good morning, good night, I love you.’ They regularly ask me what something I’ve said in English means, and then I’ll try to include the words they’ve asked about into conversation to reinforce their learning.

When saying something simple to them in Hebrew, I recently started to repeat the sentence in English. They don’t have to ask what I meant, because it’s obvious to them I’ve saying the same thing.

I’ve made a couple of individualized videos using Gemiini, the language program I use for ds10 and ds6, to facilitate their language absorption; the first two videos were fruits and foods we commonly have. However, I’ve only played them a few times, since as much as possible I’d like to keep them away from screens, so while the videos were helpful, I can’t credit that for the bulk of their learning.

Avivah

My oldest son and his wife had their third child (a girl) yesterday, the same week they celebrate their sixth wedding anniversary and the fifth birthday of our oldest granddaughter!

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We are so grateful that transportation arrangements for the twins to attend kindergarten for the rest of the school year have finally been made this week!!! I was really worried that this wouldn’t happen before my husband needed to go back to work (he has two more days at home before he goes back), and that I’d be alone all day with them. They spent a bit over five weeks at home with us, and in that time it felt like every interaction with them was therapeutic work. 

Last night I spoke with a friend with whom I had fallen out of regular touch, who I learned had begun fostering several years ago. She told me in the three years she’s been fostering, this is the first time she’s talked with anyone about what it’s actually like. It’s so hard to explain how complex and difficult it can be; either it seems like you’re complaining or exaggerating, or they wonder why in the world you would have taken something like this on.

When writing, I grapple with the balance between honesty and negativity.  I constantly try to find a positive interpretation and understanding of people and their behavior, and that’s what I share here. When I share my process as I deal with challenges, I’m sometimes concerned that readers will think things are easier or simpler than they are, that there are pat answers to complex issues.

I feel this very much currently as I write about foster care. It can be a very difficult and challenging experience; we’ve taken in two children with complex issues and a lot of trauma, and that isn’t easily nor quickly addressed with warmth, smiles and good intentions. The first five weeks when they were home around the clock were really tough, and we all felt maxed out within ten days. “Overwhelming” was the word that everyone expressed, each one in private conversation.

It is draining to give and give and give; as my friend last night said, it’s like a vortex that sucks the energy out of everyone around them and still wants more. I highly doubt we will ever be able to give enough to fill that gaping hole completely, but my hope is to lessen that desperate drive for connection by giving them a consistent base of security and love.

We’re parenting children who are much, much younger than they look (it’s common for foster children to emotionally be 40 – 50% of their biological ages); a lack of nurturing leads to a lag in brain development.

I am intentional about just about everything I say and do with the twins, and am constantly working on the balance of different issues that are constantly in flux. For example, the balance between very clear boundaries, and giving them room for expression and independence. I have to be much more clear and consistent about boundaries with them than with my biological children, because they don’t yet show the ability to understand nuances or ambiguity.

Before they came I was concerned about not connecting emotionally with the twins, but fortunately that hasn’t been an issue. Along with the challenges, I look for their sweetness and good intentions, and I try to keep that in front of me all the time. That doesn’t mean the sweetness is just sitting there looking obvious. Sometimes it can be hard.

At the beginning of this week I met with their temporary foster mother, who I am increasingly impressed with the more I speak with her. It was nice to sit with someone who understands exactly what we’re dealing with. She  told me it was very hard for them and their adult children to emotionally connect with the twins because their behaviors caused people to distance themselves.

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I needed to say all of the above before I share some good things we’re seeing, because I don’t want to seem like it’s all unicorns and rainbows, or that there’s some magic happening. Actually, maybe it is somewhat magical to see how feeling safe and accepted positively affects children.

We all have strategies we choose as young children to get our needs met, and we tend to hold on to those strategies into adulthood, unless we do deep inner work to recognize we might want to consciously choose different strategies. For one it might be to be helpful, another will choose the role of a comic, someone else might focus on being physically attractive, and another to be dependent.

It was clear to me that being little was the security for ds5. He had an affected walk of a toddler, he communicated in large part with grunts, pointing and single words, he spoke in a squeaky baby voice and his overall emotional age was about an eighteen month old. He referred to himself as small and little, and acted like a very young child. 

I recognized his identity as ‘little’ gave him emotional security, but the survival strategy he adopted that at some time gave him the positive attention he sought was now backfiring and causing people to distance themselves and become irritated with him. To develop emotionally, physically and intellectually, he was going to need to release that baby identity, and learn that it was safe to be big.

To do that, I didn’t address anything directly – I didn’t tell him to stop talking like a baby, act like a big boy or anything like that. In fact, I did some things that might seem counterintuitive. Knowing that he missed critical steps of nurturing from the time he was born and that healing requires going back in time to give those missing experiences, I held and hugged him a lot, rocked him, carried him when he was capable of walking on his own, fed him (I did this for dd5 as well) – a tremendous amount of nurture like what you would give a little baby. I encouraged dependency. 

I simultaneously wanted to let him know it was safe to be big, that he didn’t have to be a baby to get love. At the same time I was giving all this nurturing,  I looked for ways to stretch his picture of himself, and after he did something would comment, ‘Wow, just like a big boy!” This week he’s begun to refer to himself as ‘big’.

Ds5 has made noticeable strides in the way he speaks, walks and runs. He still has a young voice and is a little squeaky but doesn’t usually use the falsetto that was his old normal. His little fanny wiggle and minced steps don’t make an appearance unless he’s tired or about to do something he knows he shouldn’t do. His restricted body movements have become more relaxed and he walks and runs much more normally.

He was diagnosed with very low cognition, and I’m continuing to work to develop his thinking skills. He repeatedly asks the same questions, over and over again, just like a toddler. After answering once or twice, when he asks another time, I’ll pause and ask him what he thinks the answer is. Then he’ll tell me the answer, to which I’ll enthusiastically reflect, “Exactly, you remember what we talked about!” or something like that.

Our five year old son’s teacher told me after his first day back that she saw noticeable differences since he was there six weeks ago: he’s calmer, more focused and able to learn better. She said it was obvious we were doing a lot of work with him. It was very affirming to hear that others can see clear differences in the time they’ve been with us. 

About dd5 – she’s a very different person, with very different needs that aren’t as visible but emotionally are more significant. Again, our focus is on helping her feel secure, loved and appreciated for who she is. If time allows, I’d like to talk about what an attachment disorder is in a different post, where it comes from and how we’re working on that.

Another thing I’d like to share about is ADD/ADHD and it’s prevalence for kids from hard places, why this is and what we can do about it. No promises, because time is really tight now.

For now, I’ll say that my primary focus for her is to build attachment and a feeling of security as the foundation, with the expectation that as this builds, her behaviors will shift along with it.

Her teacher told me they’re wondering what happened to her, because she’s so much more quiet. Now, I took her to school the first day and she was far from quiet; she’s never quiet or still unless she’s asleep. I asked for clarification from the teacher, and she said it’s not a bad thing, but she used to be jumpy and have non-stop energy, and that’s different now. My explanation is that as the children feel more safe, they experience some inner quiet that counters the nonstop inner agitation and restlessness. So to my mind, being more quiet is a good thing in her case and I hope we see this continue.

While it was a tough period being home with them for so long, to see them emotionally gain so much is a big deal. There’s a long way to go; there are no quick fixes. We’re not trying to change them. We appreciate them as they are, and trust that the safer and calmer they feel, the more healthy development they’ll experience.

Avivah

My husband left to the US again, this time for a family wedding and taking ds14 with him. Several weeks ago, I stressed to the foster care agency that they must have schooling arrangements in place before he leaves, because I. cannot. do. this. myself.

Well, the arrangements for school transportation still haven’t been made. Clearly G-d knows this is the best situation for all involved despite my preferences, and since the external situation hadn’t changed, I needed to consciously shift the way I was thinking. I focused on gratitude and appreciation for the opportunity to raise all of these children, and told myself, “I get to be with them” rather than “I have to be with them”.

For the first two days, ds5 and ds6 had a fever and were out of sorts. Waking up on day 4, I told myself, just one more day to get through.

I planned a trip to my daughter’s pool for the afternoon, after insisting everyone had to rest first because they were so irritable. Miracle of miracles, for the first time ever, ds5, dd5 and ds6 (who stayed home from school because he didn’t feel well) all fell asleep. It was clearly very needed, and though I didn’t sleep for long at all, the ten or fifteen minutes I slept was very helpful.

When I got up, a fire had broken out on the mountain across from us. Within ten minutes, all of the children had woken up. It was dramatic and interesting to watch local citizens rushing to help, beating back flames as huge black clouds of smoke rose into the sky. As time passed, fire planes came to douse the mountain with water from above. This was fascinating and exciting. It also became an opportunity to learn about ds5’s capacity to tolerate noise.

Seeing he was becoming distressed from the sound of the airplanes, I went inside with the twins, then shut the doors and windows to block the sound. It wasn’t enough. The drone of the planes over the next hour drove him to crying and tantruming with almost no breaks for the next three hours. He was irritated and annoyed by everything, unable to be soothed or comforted, but insisting he needed to me to hold him.

As I held him, he twisted and turned restlessly, whining and crying. After an hour or so of holding him, I told him I was going to stand up and would put him on the couch next to me; he collapsed even further, lying on the ground screaming before shifting to jumping up and down screaming about whatever it was he wanted in that moment.

I gave him some lunch, which he turned around and fed to the dog. (I allow them to give appropriate leftovers at the end of a meal, but not before that.) Then he began crying he had no food; when I gave him more, he cried it was too hot. When it cooled off he screamed he didn’t like it. And so it went.

It was clear he was in a state of sensory overload, and while holding him was able to tone down his distress a notch, I was feeling stretched very, very thin. I was also now experiencing sensory overload.

At some point, I realized if I was going to be able to continue to be compassionate and helpful, I needed to have a few quiet minutes to myself without someone yelling and rubbing snot all over me. After giving food, drinks and hugs, I went into my bedroom, letting them know I’d be out in a few minutes.

Within ten seconds, our dog was at the closed door wanting to be let in. When I go to my bedroom, if the dog is in the house he always follow within a few minutes. If the door is closed, he jumps on the door handle repeatedly until he gets the door open or until I let him in. I quickly let him in.

Less than a half a minute after entering my room, ds5 had moved from jumping up and down screaming next to the couch to doing so next to my bedroom door. Dd5 helpfully banged on the door, telling me ds5 wanted me, than kicked it to try to get the door open. At the same time, someone called to let me know ds10 and ds6, who had been outside watching the fire with some neighbors, had migrated to her house and didn’t want to leave. That was my five minute break.

Sometimes you just have to find humor in a situation!

I spoke to ds10 on the phone, told him we were going swimming soon and asked him to bring ds6 back with him. I couldn’t leave the house to get them myself, since I couldn’t leave the twins alone even for a few minutes, and taking them out with me at that point was an impossibility. When he got home, I had him give ice pops to everyone. While ds10 doled them out and they all slurped away, this created ten minutes of blessed quiet.

It was now the time I usually began winding down to lead into dinner and the evening routine. It so late that I really didn’t want to take them swimming, but I had told them if they took a nap that’s what we’d do, and I really try to keep my word.

Within five minutes I got everyone dressed in swim clothes and off we went. We were out for a short time, which three of the children enjoyed – one little boy was having a hard time relaxing. But I was still glad to have done it.

We came home, had dinner, and before putting the children to bed, I needed to milk the three goats (since ds14 went to the US and ds15 went to a wedding that evening, I didn’t have their help). This wasn’t something that was optional to do, since it would cause suffering to the animals to leave them unmilked, and I couldn’t wait until after the children were all asleep, since I was already late for the usual time.

When one goat began pushing at me with her head and a second began lifting her leg and repeatedly kicking my arm in the same place I had gotten cut a day before, my tolerance was gone. I pushed each roughly against the wall they were standing by and told them to stop it and stand there. When one stood very still and gave me a hairy side eyeball, I realized I was being unreasonable and I better calm down before interacting with anyone or anything.

I took two minutes to sit there quietly, then apologized to them, patted each for a minute, and continued milking them. Though the children were running in and out of the house arguing and complaining, this time gave me the opportunity to emotionally detach from all the overtired behavior and the stresses of the day before putting all of the children to sleep.

Bedtime was delayed, but it went smoothly and peacefully for everyone. Soon after I finished, I hosted our weekly parenting discussion group, which is always a nice opportunity to connect with adults.

I’ll be going away for the next day and a half to a retreat for mothers of children with special needs. The hotel where it is being held is twenty five minutes from here, so I’ll be going directly there rather than joining the chartered bus leaving from Jerusalem. I was disappointed last night to learn that I’ll miss a half a day of the planned activities since additional trips are planned on the way to the hotel, so they won’t get there until late in the afternoon. But I’m looking forward to the opportunity to connect with other mothers, and recharge with some quiet and fun.

Avivah

Since the twins arrived four weeks ago, I’ve consistently told them that they’re now part of our family, and in any way that I could, tried to help them feel a sense of being welcome and belonging.

One night last week after our bedtime routine – when the kids are relaxed they become very open – dd5 asked, “Right, now we’re Mishpachat Werner?” (Translation: Now we’re the Werner family?) Yes, I assured her, you are.

She was quiet for a moment and then asked, “When are we going to move to another family?”

I can’t tell her something I don’t know to be true, like that she’ll be here forever and never leave, even though I’d love to be able to say that. It’s in the hands of the court, not mine. I was disturbed when their social worker told them she’s always going to be there for them. I understand her wanting to reassure them, but she knows she’s going to see them one more time and probably never again – please, please don’t lie to them! That will lead them to distrust people even more.

I told her, “You’re our family and I hope you’re going to stay with us for a very, very, very long time.”

Ds17 told me today that ds5 asked him about when they’re going to live in another house. Also today, he was pushing dd5 in the swing when she asked, “Right you’re never going to leave us?”

The heavy weights and worries these young children have inside them, bottled up and chewing away at them…They are seeking the confirmation that they belong here and won’t have to leave, but their life history has programmed them to expect loved ones to suddenly disappear from their lives.

To me ‘family’ means being accepted and part of, no matter what. They don’t hold that same definition of family in their hearts. While my intention for telling them they’re now part of our family was to cement their feeling of security and belonging, I realized it means very little to them and offers only momentary reassurance. When they’re feeling really peaceful and loved, the fear comes up that it could be taken away any minute and they have to check in about when they’re going to leave.

They’re almost six; their programming has been going on for years and reprogramming them to believe that they are wanted, safe, loved and that the world is a good place that they can trust will take years. I knew that going into this.

But it struck me forcefully when dd5 asked that question of me, how even in a home with so much love and security surrounding them, they remain uncertain and fearful about what will happen to them.

Avivah

It’s very poignant, the thought of taking in two needy children, showering them with love and helping them come to a place of security and love, isn’t it?

There’s a reality to balance with that emotionally evocative picture that translates into a tremendous amount of time and energy. Foster parenting is different than regular parenting. When you’re parenting children who have a completely empty love tank, you barely keep them above empty even when giving to them constantly in every way. If they perceive you as not filling that tank for even a short time, they don’t have emotional reserves to fall back on. As a result, they can switch to feeling empty in a moment and a lot of negative emotions come out.

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The first week, my husband and I were with the twins all the time. While we both really enjoyed the active presence of one another throughout the day, after a week we were exhausted and realized we needed to find a way to give each other breaks.

The second week, I would be on for a few hours, then he would take over so I could rest. Then I would spend time with them so he could do what he needed to do.

While this was very functional, emotionally it wasn’t working well for us. Our relationship is what energizes us to do whatever it is that we do, and for us to spend so little time together was draining and left both of us feeling depleted.

We’re trying to find the balance, to find time with each other as a couple, for both of us to simultaneously spend time with the children, and to still have self-time to do other things that need to be done.

Although the children are doing great and it’s clearly very beneficial for them to be home full-time with us, we have a lot of people and their needs to take into account. My husband and I have discussed that and decided that we’re not able to have them at home full-time for the coming months, as we originally desired (and still believe would be ideal).

This isn’t just because of the needs of our wider family, but because the additional involvement and extra demands being put on me by social services is becoming burdensome (they want their expert to meet with me, create a plan for their days, then for me to execute and report on that plan). While I understand why they want that, I’m not interested in being their unpaid worker following their directions. It’s due to my desire to provide them with the framework that I want them to have that they’re experiencing much more than what they would get in their special needs schools or any plan someone would put together for them. This is a perfect example of how external control decreases intrinsic motivation and desire.

As a result, we’ve decided that it would be good for them to go back to their kindergartens. I spoke to our social worker to let her know; she completely understood and supported our decision. However, there’s now an issue with not having someone available to accompany them on the ride to and from school, so for now we don’t know when they will resume attending school.

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Fortunately, it’s getting easier and more enjoyable to be with the twins as time goes on so it’s less urgent to me that they go back to school than when I spoke to the social worker about it a week ago, and as long as I’m not officially keeping them home with us, social services isn’t going to be on top of me about executing their desired daily schedule. I’m seeing lots of signs of positive shifts in their responses and behaviors.

In the beginning, they were very afraid of not being with me. If I went to the bathroom, they would anxiously try to open the door. If I lay down for a nap while my husband was with them, I would leave the door open and they would repeatedly come in and touch me and talk to me. If I closed the door, they would within a few minutes open it. If I locked the door, they would rattle it in a panic. (Again, all of these times were when my husband and often sons were with them; they weren’t alone.) Even if I closed my eyes for a moment in their presence, one would worriedly asking why I was closing my eyes.

When they woke up out early in the morning and came out to find me in our yard, they would ask me why I left them alone, by themselves. They also were afraid to play in the yard without me being there every moment. I explained to them that our yard is part of our house, and I’m not leaving them when I step from the house into the yard, or from the yard into the house. I’ve reassured them a number of times, Mommy doesn’t leave her children and I’m not going to leave them alone by themselves.

The constant proximity isn’t easy. It’s very intensive and it’s exhausting. While you may think that it’s easy for me because I’ve homeschooled for so many years and I’m used to having people around me all the time, it’s not true. I relish and treasure my personal time and space, and it’s a huge thing for me to give up my quiet mornings that I’ve only had for the last year and a half (after almost three decades of parenting). However, when I focus on being compassionate and cognizant of their needs, it helps me access my willingness to extend myself and be more patient.

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Yesterday when I lay down to rest, each of the twins came in to see me. They saw I was resting with my eyes closed and went out without speaking to me, and dd5 closed the door behind her when she went out. That was completely her initiative; no one suggested it to her. Then she did it today several times. Do you know how huge it is for a child who has a fear of closed and locked doors (for good reason), to feel safe enough to voluntarily close a door between her and her security person, and trust that I’m still here for her?

There have been a lot of emotional storms, and while I don’t expect them to disappear, they’re gradually decreasing in intensity, frequency and duration. Ds5 gets increasingly hyped up and emotionally depleted as the day goes on, and I’ve recognized that physical connection and the reassurance of being held help him regulate. When I see him start to get a little wound up, I put him on my lap and sit with him in a rocking chair or on the patio bench swing.

In the beginning he fought this – the first time he screamed and kicked for 45 minutes while telling me how miserable I was making him, until he fell asleep while I rocked him the entire time. Every day there has been resistance, but it’s been decreasing significantly. A few times in the last couple of days when I put him on my lap, he not only didn’t physically resist, but seemed to welcome it, and put his head on my chest and relaxed into me.

Ds5 has a lot of babyish behaviors: grunting in a high pitched way and pointing to things instead of talking, crawling on the floor and rubbing against my ankles mewing like a cat, and communicating throughout the day in very limited ways. It’s not enjoyable, but each of us has the reasons we act as we do. I could and might write a post on how I’m addressing this, where I think it’s coming from and why, but relevant to this post is that it’s improving. He’s speaking much more and expressing himself more appropriately. There’s a ways to go but I’m optimistic.

My favorite part of the day is bedtime, and theirs, too. Their favorite minute of the entire day is when I sing an additional stanza at the end of Hamalach. I’ve been singing this to my children for years: “Remember that you, are special, too, like Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov”. Since the twins are Hebrew speakers, I added two short lines of translation to the song it for them: Remember that you – tizkor she’ata; are special too – meyuchad gam (and then the feminine version for dd5).

A few days after they came, dd5 asked me when we were going to sing ‘presh two’. I didn’t know what she meant, and I was mentally filing though what she could be talking about, when I realized she meant the part of the song when I sing “remember that you are special, too” (presh two = special too). It was moving to see how much it meant to her.

When I began singing this to ds5 in the first days, he laid on his side and didn’t look at me. Slowly, each night he moved his body so he would be facing me more and more, until now he lays on his back looking directly into my face. As I sing Shema, his eyes begin shining and he smiles the entire time. Last night when I was in the middle of the first paragraph after saying shema, before even getting to Hamalach, he pulled my hand close to him and hugged it, then started kissing it. A moment later he sat up and began hugging and hugging me. He was so happy he couldn’t keep it inside.

People have asked me why I’m doing this at this stage of my life; don’t I want to take it easy and enjoy having the physical demands of raising children mostly behind me? It’s true that it’s a lot of work, and if the purpose of my life was to have more vacation time, this wouldn’t be something I would have stepped up for. I want to live a life that is meaningful, and for me, having these children in our family is meaningful and worthwhile.

Avivah

It’s been fascinating and touching to see changes in the children in the short time they’ve been here.

When we met them and played with them, they talked about monsters. When we talked about them coming to live with us, they asked us if we have monsters in our house. I reassured them that we have very strong big brothers (I put pictures of them in the album we gave them) and a dog, and the monsters are very scared of them so they don’t come to our house.

Anyway, I continued, our house is only for nice people and monsters don’t want to be with us because they’re not nice. Before we walked in the door of our house, they asked about this again, and I told them the same thing. The question about monsters came up a few times, and each time I reassured them that we have no monsters because the monsters are scared to come to our house.

The first full day they were here, the twins discovered the dress up box. They loved it! They are having a lot of new experiences here, and being able to freely choose their games is part of that new experience (and choose their food, and their clothes, and their books, and so on!).

Ds5 combined one of the costumes together with a mask and a helmet that he brought with him in an interesting way – as the Princess Monster.

Could this child have created a costume in which he would be more emotionally defended than this? His face can’t be seen at all, nothing can be revealed. He’s completely covered from head to toe. After this he curled up on his side and lay on the swing (in his costume) while I pushed him for a long time. Obviously this felt secure to him.

(When my husband saw this mask, he was surprised since it’s not the kind of thing I keep around. I don’t, but it was a gift from his bio parents. Though I dislike scary superhero masks like this one, it’s his and I’m not going to make it disappear.)

Noticing that we had a shortage of female costumes and now have a little girl who would appreciate more female selections, over the next day I sewed a cape and matching skirt from pink satin material with star cutouts that I had in my fabric box. I also put a couple of little girl dresses in that I wouldn’t find suitable for everyday but are cute for dress-up (these are now the favorites of dd5 and dgd4 – granddaughter).

They continued dressing up, though not every day and not for as long in the first couple of days.

Since that first morning, ds5 has never put together a costume that covers his face. I didn’t think anything about his choice of costumes at the time other than it was creative. Now that I look back, I see it was much more than that – it was a way for him to protect himself at a time of uncertainty and vulnerability.

I was thinking about the difference in the way they use the dress up costumes now, and then realized that not only are they not dressing up as monsters or policemen (they had a traumatic removal by policemen from their home), neither of them has asked about monsters since the second day. I hope they’ve put their fear of monsters to rest for now.

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From the first picture I saw of ds5, I noticed a kind of look he had about him. It was almost like his brow was furrowed with tension, regardless of what activity he was in the middle of; this look didn’t leave him even when sleeping.

My days with him from about noon and on have been intense, as he gets increasingly tired and regresses into more and more behaviors that need a lot of calm and understanding to navigate. Yesterday at 4 pm I looked at him – usually a time he’s emotionally wound tight – and I thought, ‘What happened to his face? He looks so sweet!’

Then I realized, the fear is leaving his face and his expression is starting to relax. There’s still tension in his brow, but the intensity on his face has shifted. This really took me aback. I would sometimes look at him and hope that one day he’ll be able to let go of whatever fear is inside him that’s creating that expression, but never dreamed we would see a physical change like this so quickly.

Avivah

The engine on our car suddenly went a couple of weeks ago, a week after spending 7000 shekels fixing everything and passing the test.

Unfortunately for us, a mechanic didn’t fix an oil leak or tell us it was still a problem so it ran dry, despite us being regular about maintenance. My teens think we should hold them responsible them for negligence but my husband said clearly G-d wanted to move this car out of our lives. It couldn’t die a natural death from old age since we had replaced everything and it ran well.

Yesterday my husband bought a new car, and to celebrate our mobility, we took the four youngest kids to a zoo close by. I bought a family membership there a few weeks ago. At that point I had to sign up all the children by name, and though I didn’t yet know if the twins would be coming, I added their names rather than deal with the future awkwardness of having to show foster care paperwork for guardianship.

When you have a membership, there’s no inner pull that you should go see this or that or the other, because you’ve just spent over 50 shekels a person admission fee. You can do whatever feels fun for the children right then, and as you go more often, the positive anticipation builds since they’re going somewhere familiar and they know what they have to look forward to.

We were fortunate that we got there towards the end of the day, so we were the only ones there.

Our little three kiddos are such a cute group. They mostly get along well and are just so sweet, individually and on their own. Ds10 overall seems happy to have them with us, too – his role is the big brother.

When you enter, each child is given a cup of feed to give to the various animals there. We started off with the parrots.

At the entrance they have a line-up of ride on cars for kids. Ds6’s favorite part is zooming around and around. It’s a really nice feeling of freedom for a young child; it’s completely enclosed and he never goes too far.

On one of his rounds, he met the woman who worked there and asked for a drink. She asked him if he was allowed to have a slurpee. He came back and asked me, and I said yes, thinking he was asking about something else. I was surprised when a few minutes later, all of the children were happily sipping their slurpees! It was a nice treat for them, and the woman working there was clearly happy to give it to them as a gift.

Ds5 was most interested in all the tractors and golf carts that were available to play on. He was very disappointed that they couldn’t be moved, though.

When I did my shopping for ds6 for the summer, I bought matching shirts for ds5, though I didn’t know yet if he’d be coming. The first morning when the two youngest boys got dressed in their matching shirts, dd5 was disappointed she didn’t have a matching shirt, too. Since I had purchased a few long sleeved polo shirts at the same time, today I was able to give her the red one to wear.

They were so excited they were all wearing matching shirts! They were exclaiming over it together and did a spontaneous group hug. “Right we’re all wearing the same thing because we’re friends?” “Yes, you’re friends and you’re brothers and sisters.”

I intend to take the children here regularly. Though it was 105 degrees outside, thanks to the shade trees and breeze, it felt cooler there. They have different attractions we’ll explore in different visits; I appreciate the opportunity to empower the children by giving them the choice of what they want to see and do.

Avivah

While routines for any child are beneficial, routines for kids from hard places are critical. Generally they’ve experienced a lot of instability from their early years in all aspects of their daily lives, and predictability is extremely reassuring for them.

I asked a lot about the specifics of their routines at their last placement, so I could continue as much as possible with what the twins were already familiar with. This included getting details of their morning schedule, what they eat, how they take a shower, and their bedtime routine.

I very much appreciate that their last foster mother was very good at creating structure. She’s been an emergency placement foster parent for 3.5 years, and the twins were her 8th and 9th placements.

Additionally she worked for many years as a house mother at a children’s village, where something like 11 or 12 children who can’t live at home live with a family in an apartment within the educational institution. Over the course of many years she was housemother for close to 200 children. Her walls are filled with collages of many of those children, now grown.

She told me the twins are the most difficult children she’s ever worked with. (I think the best translation for how she described them when they arrived would be ‘feral’.) I’m extremely grateful for the daily discipline she brought to their lives. Her investment in them has made it much easier for me to implement our own routines, adding to and tweaking what they were used to.

The most structured parts of our day are our morning routine on waking up, and after dinner routine. Together with three daily mealtimes and three daily snack times, these are the anchors for our day.

Everyone is appreciating the night time routine; the consistency is benefiting all of us. By the time our teen boys come home at night, the house is still and peaceful. As a bonus, my husband and I have some quiet time before the teens arrival.

Our evening is as follows. We eat dinner at 6 pm, followed by the four youngest children (ideally) brushing teeth at the same time. While the boys enjoy some outdoor time, I help dd5 shower (she likes to be first and with waist length hair, it takes her the longest). While she gets dressed and ready for bed, my husband showers our five year old son, then helps our six and ten year olds.

(I’d appreciate feedback on the terminology I’m using when referring to the twins. While my intention is to treat them as our children, I don’t want to seem as if I’m intending to preempt or replace their parents from whom they were removed. When abbreviating for the sake of brevity, do you think it’s more appropriate to use dfs and dfd – ‘dear foster son’ and ‘dear foster daughter’, in place of my usual dd and ds – ‘dear son’ and ‘dear daughter’? )

As soon as dd5 is ready, I begin the next phase of bedtime. I sit on her bed and read her the story of her choice. Then I sing Shema with her, followed by Hamalach HaGoel. Usually by then, ds5 has come into the room, freshly bathed and in pajamas.

Then I move to his bed, and sit on his bed to read the same story. She moves over to the bed to sit with me there, too, to listen a second time to the book. When the story is finished, she moves back to her bed, while I sing Shema and Hamalach with him. Then we have three hugs and three kisses for each of them – a big hug (deep hugs are good for sensory calming), a kiss, a big hug, a kiss, a big hug and a kiss. I tuck them each in with the stuffed animals that we gave them (they ask for that), give them a blanket if they request it, put water bottles next to the bed of each, and say goodnight.

In the first days, dd would come out after we finished our bedtime ritual. She would say: she wants more hugs, she’s thirsty, she loves me, she thinks I’m beautiful, her stomach hurts, she’s scared to be there without me, she needs water, she needs the bathroom, she’s hungry…you get the idea.

I realized after a couple of nights that more hugs and reassurance weren’t the answer. She needed to have very clear boundaries about what the parameters of bedtime were in our home. So I began talking with them at the beginning of bedtime about what would happen.

First I verbally detailed everything I wrote above.

Then I added, “After hugs and kisses, I’m going to tell you, ‘Good night, sweet dreams’. After that we’re not going to hug each other until the morning, but tomorrow there will be lots of hugs all day long. You’re going to stay in your bed. I’m not going to talk anymore after we say ‘good night’ but I’m going to be very close by in the kitchen or dining room. You’re going to see me in the morning and I’m going to be so happy to see you!”

Then right after we finished our bedtime routine, I would say ‘Good night’ and dd would start telling me not to leave. I would remind her, “Remember what we’re going to do? We’re going to have hugs in the morning but no more talking now.”

Now after nine days, they stay in their beds and fall asleep quickly. Bedtime is a nice way for all of us to close the day together, and while I was hesitant that by putting these boundaries into place it would seem overly strict, I’ve seen in this situation and in others that they welcome the clarity.

Avivah

Since the twins have arrived almost a week ago, I’ve been musing about perceptions, judgments and the conclusions we come to about people.

Our social worker has checked in a few times to check how things have been going. Honestly, it’s been really good and going much more smoothly than we expected; she’s been surprised at our positive feedback based on what her understanding of the children was.

In the different meetings I had with the social workers and the short term foster mother, I gleaned as many details about the twins as I could. It was a daunting description.

Now that we’re having our own experience with them, my husband and I both are surprised at the many discrepancies between what we were told and what we are seeing in our home. Here’s a list of some things that so far haven’t been accurate to what we were told:

• They’re picky eaters, won’t touch a long list of foods – but – they’ve eaten everything I’ve served at every meal and snack, with no pressure. Several times I’ve served a food they tell me they don’t like, and I tell them that’s fine, they don’t have to eat anything they don’t want to eat. So far, almost every single time within a few minutes they ask for a small serving. And then they keep eating more! (I’ve also told them they can have as much or as little as they want.)

• They’re destructive, you can’t leave anything around them because they’ll destroy it in a moment – they’ve broken and ruined the best quality toys and games, every single one, every water bottle – nothing is safe in their presence. But – while I’ve sometimes had to redirect their use of different items, they haven’t broken anything. They can be quick to get into things and I can see how with less supervision they might use things in a way that you wouldn’t want them to. Since we stay close by and interact with them all day long, that probably has been a big factor in them not getting bored and resorting to breaking things.
• It’s going to be really difficult for them without television and they don’t like to play outdoors – they asked where our tv was when they saw the picture of our living room, one time when they got here and once since then. But – since arriving, they’ve filled their days productively, much of the time playing outside.
• I asked if they liked books – I got a snort and was warned they’ll rip them all to pieces and again, about the need for tv. But – I read to them before bed every night and they love it; they ask appropriate questions and sit quietly while listening. At their request, I read the book once sitting on one’s bed, then read it another time sitting on the other’s bed.
• We were warned dfs5 is terrified of dogs and he’ll freak out when he gets to our home and sees our dog. But – within an hour of arriving he was stroking our dog. By the next day he was kissing and hugging him. He is constantly looking for our dog, stroking him, telling him how much he loves him – it’s a good thing our dog is very tolerant because it’s a bit suffocating. It’s clearly very therapeutic for dfs5, though.
• They fight constantly; they were put in separate bedrooms in their first foster home because they bothered each other so much they wouldn’t go to sleep. They were seated at different tables not facing one another when they ate so they wouldn’t see each other and not allowed to talk during meals. The court liason determined that it would be better for them to be separated and put up for adoption individually than fostered by one family. But – our approach isn’t to use separation as the sole tool for children who aren’t interacting well with each other, but to teach them to interact with each other respectfully. We try to give each of them a lot of attention so that they don’t perceive the other as competition for what they want to have. While they sometimes get upset at one another (usually because one takes the item the other wants), overall they’re getting along well.
• One of them is ‘obsessed with food’. Recognizing the need to be reassured of food security, I plan three meals and three snacks for each day and I let them know what we’ll have and what time we’ll be having it. If I were staying somewhere, I’d appreciate knowing what was planned for meals, wouldn’t you? I don’t consider asking about what will be served, when, as obsessive.
• One has an ‘obsessive need for closeness and touch’. We give a lot of hugs and physical touch throughout the day before they ask for it. I believe this preempts what may have been constant requests for what wasn’t offered and was infrequently given (I know they each got a hug before bed, I don’t know about during the day). I don’t interpret it as obsessive for a five year old to want to sit on your lap or snuggle next to you when you read a bedtime story.
• One has an extremely low IQ (borderline mental retardation). I wasn’t overly concerned about that when told about it, knowing about neuroplasticity and how the brain grows with use. I was confident we would be able to bring this up substantially, but after meeting and living with the children, I am questioning the diagnosis. There’s unquestionably compromised emotional development, and a lack of thinking ability, but I believe the intellectual deficits are emotionally based.If a person doesn’t feel safe, the brain isn’t going to be online.

Each of the times the social worker called to check in, she asked me about a specific behaviour that is of particular concern to the officials. I told her I haven’t seen it even once since they’ve been here and asked how often it usually occurs. She didn’t know. They had made it sound like it was constant when they talked to me about it. I suggested since they said it’s a stress related behaviour, maybe he’s not displaying it because he has a lot of ways here to self-soothe and release stress?

I was given a description of two very difficult children that no one was willing to take on. The way they were described now seems to both my husband and me as harsh and inaccurate. We think they’re both sweet children.

To be fair to those who described them, they detailed how they acted where they were and maybe if they went to a family who parented differently than us, the descriptions would still be accurate. However, I ask myself, what was the worldview and expectation of children of the person who described them?

Avivah

Today was the twins first full day home with us, and by midday I was already speaking to the representative responsible for their school registration for next year.

He told me what the charedi options are; since there’s nothing local, they have to go other places. However, in those other cities they give priority to their citizens and often the classes fill up before there’s room for children from outlying areas. He’s going to put them on a list tomorrow and I trust we’ll find a place for them for the coming school year.

I also spoke with our social worker (yes, again!). Yesterday I broached a topic I’ve been thinking about quite a lot, which is what to do regarding kindergarten for the end of the year.

In the lectures of Dr. Karyn Purvis, founder of Trust Based Relationship Intervention (TBRI), she says that she’s never seen a child, no matter how damaging their background and how traumatized they were, that can’t experience significant healing. She recommends that when they come home, parents do an intensive home intervention (intensive relationship building) with a foster or adopted child; this is the most critical and important thing you can do to facilitate healing.

For every year a child has been in a hard place, she says they need a month of intensive home intervention.

That would put us at six months in our situation. I feel very strongly that this would be the right thing to do for them, but have been afraid to make that commitment before meeting them. The description of what we were facing was intimidating; we were warned repeatedly by the social workers we would be taking on something very big to bring them home, and that was assuming they would be in school most of the day. There’s a full staff helping each of them at school, and I’m going to do it all without any assistance? I knew I couldn’t take it on alone; I need to have some time to myself without constantly being ‘on’.

Enter my husband getting paternity leave! We’ve been discussing this, and agreed we can commit to keeping them home with us for six weeks. At that point, it should bring us close to the end of the school year.

In special ed the schools continue with summer camp programs almost through the entire summer, with just a two week vacation. I’ve never sent ds10 and ds6 in the summer, and I would want to keep the twins home as well. That adds another two months.

Two weeks into the school year, the fall holidays begin and continue for a month. If we could keep them home until after Sukkos, that means we would have five months to work with them. I am confident they would be much more available for learning and healthy relationships by then.

Though I was thinking about this for a good while, I didn’t want to suggest it to the social worker, because I was afraid social services would be happy to throw all the responsibility on my shoulders without offering support services, in light of the difficulties they were having working out the school situation.

My social worker thinks this would be the best possible thing, but today warned me she has to get approval from higher ups for that. She said that since they get therapies (weekly speech, OT and whatever else is the norm in special ed kindergartens), they might object on terms of it delaying their development by them not getting those therapies for six weeks. (The question is just about them missing school until the end of the year; I’m going to assume I don’t have to get approval for the summer vacation.) I’m waiting to hear about that.

If we get the approval to keep them home, I’m going to create a home program for them. I’ve emailed a TBRI practitioner in the US to ask about working with us to design an intensive home program and am waiting to hear back from her. I can probably put something pretty effective together myself – and that might be what ends up happening – but welcome the input from those with more experience than me.

If we don’t get the approval, we’ll begin sending them to school probably at the beginning of next week. In that case, they’ll have two months over summer vacation and almost a month of holidays to keep them home. It’s not the same as a five month stretch of uninterrupted time, but will nonetheless be valuable.

Avivah