Category Archives: parenting

Back to quarantine…thinking about homeschooling again

homeschooling, parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21

I got a call earlier this week that one of our school children had to go into quarantine. I was hoping that my five year old could have his birthday party in kindergarten with his nine year old brother in attendance before either of them were quarantined and we almost made it, but the night before the party we got a call that ds9 had been exposed to someone with a positive test result. (For those who are new, our youngest two sons have Trisomy 21/Down syndrome and attend a special needs school; our older son began there in the spring, the younger one began in September.) Ds5 had a great party but his brother wasn’t there.

The day after the party I preemptively pulled my five year old out. I took him out not because I’m worried about him getting sick, but because I don’t want to wait for him to be put into quarantine. It’s important for children to have a regular and predictable schedule, and I didn’t want my kids to have the stresses of the staff and scheduling changes that they would have in school while this upheaval is going on, and then to have the restrictions of being in quarantine at home.

That was Monday. On Wednesday, I received a call from the kindergarten teacher that validated the decision to take him out preemptively. In his class, students were exposed to a teacher who tested positive in the afternoon session. (Since my son is the only one who doesn’t attend afternoon sessions I’m wondering who isn’t in quarantine at this point.)

Due to so many staff members at the school getting positive test results (though they all had to get the poke or have regular testing to continue working there), they are combining classes, cutting the school day to half days and there will be no Friday classes. I’m glad they’re finding a way to make it work, and I’m even more glad that those decisions don’t affect us.

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So this situation is providing me with an opportunity.

In recent months I’ve been thinking a lot about homeschooling ds9. When I made the decision to put him in school last year, I felt inadequate in what I was providing for him when he was home, and was sure that the experienced staff could do more for him than me. Though I’m very appreciative of the wonderful staff and all that they do, it’s now clear that I underestimated and undervalued all that I was doing.

What are some of the ways that I think homeschooling would benefit ds9? It’s pretty much the same as for all of our kids, though the stakes are bigger in his case. It would remove the pressures and limitations of the school environment (eg waking up early before his body is ready, the physical exhaustion from 2.5 hours daily of traveling to and from school, the lower expectations academically and behaviorally) while qualitatively offering him better learning opportunities. Being home would benefit his overall health, with more activity outdoors, better quality foods, and lots more love and emotional support.

When he’s relaxed and rested, he’s naturally a much more enjoyable child to spend time with. (Like every single person on the planet!) On the days he stays home from school his behavior and the quality of our interactions is so much improved. There’s no question in my mind that the person he will grow up to be will be dramatically impacted for the good if we make the decision to homeschool him.

That’s where the bigger stakes come in. Kids in special ed don’t get the same experiences interfacing and participating in the typical world as a child in an inclusive framework (be that homeschooling or inclusive education frameworks). I’m concerned that the older he gets, the more limiting the lack of this interaction will be for him. This isn’t a new concern for me; I’ve shared about it before and it’s something I thought deeply about before putting him into the school framework he’s in.

To be good at something, you need to have experience; the more experience you get, generally the more comfortable you feel and the more skilled you become. How can a child learn to interact effectively and appropriately in a world that he has minimal experience with, when there are different behavioral expectations than what he’s used to?

If that all makes sense, homeschooling doesn’t seem like a hard decision. What is there to think about?

My hesitations are regarding my physical ability to homeschool him. Two and a half years after being rear ended and my car being totaled in an accident, my energy remains very impacted and I still need to rest a lot during the day. So my question has been, even if it would be best for him, do I really have the physical and emotional ability to have a younger child who needs a lot of guidance at home? Even with twenty years of homeschooling behind me, this remains a real concern for me.

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Have you ever made bread every week for an extended period? It was part of your regular schedule so you just did it. But if you stopped for a while, then getting back into doing it again felt hard, right?

That’s kind of how I’m feeling about homeschooling ds9. Though I was managing okay when he was at home, there were a couple of challenges together with my energy level, that led me to seek out school as the better option. Now that he’s in school, I see that the support for those challenges isn’t what I expected and isn’t resulting in a better outcome than what I had, but getting back into homeschooling is a mental hurdle.

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I’ve decided to use this quarantine period as an opportunity for me to enjoy being in a homeschooling framework with our nine year old, without any pressure to make an official decision.

Now, if there was the possibility of homeschooling ds5 along with ds9, homeschooling would be an easy choice. They are close friends and play beautifully together, and with the two of them together, they can constructively occupy themselves so that I don’t need to be the source of entertainment all day long. If you’re wondering what the issue with that is: Two and a half years ago we put in our request to adopt him, but were denied by the bio parents. We waited a couple of years and are now putting in our request again. But for now, technically (not in our hearts) ds5 is a foster child and needs to be in school.

So far we’ve been really enjoying our time at home together. We’ve been starting our days with an outing when my energy levels are higher, and that’s been great.

If you’re wondering how could he be wearing shorts and a tshirt in the middle of January – yes, it’s really that warm!
Ds9, a doting uncle with his 15 month nephew

Later, when I need to take an extended nap midday, I let them watch educational videos without even a drop of guilt, something that I berated myself for doing last year. I’m much kinder to myself now than I was last year, and it’s amazing how much easier and more enjoyable everything feels without self-judgment!

Avivah

Teachers – how to help kids adapt to a new culture

aliyah, parenting

A couple of weeks ago, a teacher from a different city that I used to live in called. She was asked to address a group of younger teachers about how to teach students who made aliya, and wanted my thoughts on that.

Oh, boy, did I have thoughts to share!

The first thing I told her was to have her audience imagine being new in a group that didn’t speak their language, not understanding anything going on. How would that feel for them, mature adults with a stable sense of themselves?

Then I talked about it being an act of courage for these kids to come to school every day, and appreciating the challenge they face. They don’t need someone to tell them to try harder (not even ‘encouragement’ – “I know you can do it if you just try harder!”) and they certainly don’t need criticism for not doing better than they are. They need to feel safe and accepted, and be allowed to have their personal timeline of adjusting.

I gave her specific examples of things my children were told or experienced because teachers/tutors didn’t understand their perspective. Among others: 1) a teacher complaining to me about my son leaving his seat to copy from the board and telling me that was disruptive – I explained that as someone new to reading Hebrew, he couldn’t read what it said from his seat in the back and moved to where he could see enough to do what was asked of him. 2) A tutor telling me my daughter was lazy and uncooperative when the school’s Hebrew speaking tutor was teaching her advanced vocabulary words before my daughter even had basic Hebrew words – she couldn’t participate because she had no clue what she was being told. Do you think the negative emotions they had towards the student due to their mistaken perspective came through to the child?

I told her that the main focus shouldn’t be on getting a child to learn something, but rather setting the stage for success in learning. That means showing him genuine warmth, kindness and appreciation so that he will feel safe. A person will struggle to learn when he feels unsafe. And pushing a person beyond his emotional safety level can backfire, as a child may close up into himself or act out as a result. (This is true and relevant of all children, not only those making aliyah.)

The morning after I had this conversation, I went to the home of a new choir member. She had just joined and I saw she was uncomfortable not knowing what was going on, so I offered to teach her the songs up to the point we were at. This lovely woman shared that she moved to Israel when she was nine, and described to me the extreme difficulty she experienced, the struggle to read and speak Hebrew (she spoke French and Arabic), the social ostracization she experienced, perceiving herself as completely incompetent and unsuccessful in every way. As I listened to her, I could see how painful a memory it was for her, even now as a successful woman close to 50 years old.

I told her about my conversation the night before, and she emphatically agreed with everything I had said about the importance of a child feeling emotionally safe and understood, of recognizing the challenge he/she is facing and appreciating the courage it takes to face each new day.

Now, obviously not every child will respond the same way. But regardless of personality, a bit of understanding and appreciation of a child goes a long way.

Avivah

Another new grandson, canning activities, making cheese

canning, cheesemaking, dehydrating, food preservation, frugal strategies, homemaking, homeschooling, parenting

On Wednesday evening, my daughter gave birth to a baby boy!

I told my neighbor yesterday, and she looked confused. “I know…you went to Jerusalem for the bris.” No, that was two and a half weeks ago – this is a different daughter!

Who knew when our two daughters got married twelve days apart, that they would later have baby girls 2.5 months apart, and then baby boys 2.5 weeks away?! It’s so special.

Thank G-d, this is our fourth grandson in the last 12.5 months, making for, as my sister said, “A bumper crop of boys!”

This was my daughter’s third birth, but first homebirth. It was so nice to see her an hour later in her own space, looking relaxed and happy. As she said, a homebirth is a completely different experience than a hospital birth.

Now they’re here with us for a few days, and I’m tapping away at the keyboard with this tiny cutie pie on my lap.

One hour old.
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After dashing out to meet my new grandson, I came directly back home where several women had already arrived for the canning workshop that I was giving that evening. I offered a canning workshop for women in our community several weeks ago, and then did this second one for women who couldn’t make it to the first one.

What I covered was waterbath canning, something that can be done very inexpensively with supplies that are probably already in your home or inexpensively purchased. Canning is a good strategy to make the most of great produce sales, to extend the seasonality of your fruits and vegetables so you can enjoy the when they are no longer in season.

Waterbath canning is good for high acid foods only – that means fruits, fruit juices and pickled items. So while it’s limited, it’s still a great skill to acquire for your frugality and self-sufficiency toolbox.

It took me some time to figure out how to can things here since the jars and lids are different from the US, where most of my canning experience was. I did a bit of canning when I first moved to Israel using recycled jars, then stopped until this summer. What changed things for me was finding where to buy jars very affordably, and how use them. It was a drive to get to the seller but worth it, since just a day after I bought them, someone in my community who does holiday food distribution called to tell me they had given out all the parcels and were left with some produce. Did I want any? Perfect timing!

It’s been fun to get back into canning! There’s a limit to how much fresh fruit you’re going to get, even if it’s free, because there’s a limit to how much you want to eat, and there’s a limit to how long it will stay in your fridge before it goes off. In this case, I got a case each of apples and pears, and with the help of my new jars and large stock pot, preserved them so they are now shelf stable.

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When I went to Jerusalem for the bris a couple of weeks ago, my son-in-law asked me if I wanted zucchini. He knows the quantities of food we go through, and he also knows that I find ways to use whatever comes my way! (Frugality tip – when something is offered and it seems like something that will be helpful, accept it even if you aren’t yet sure what to do with it! You can pass it along to others if you don’t use it.)

At his yeshiva, many families participate in a vegetable buying order; every week each family gets an identical box of assorted produce. They pick up their orders at a central location, and when someone doesn’t want an item that was in their box, they put it to the side. Anyone who comes to pickup his box can add to the extra produce put to the side or take it. On the Friday that we were there, there was a lot of zucchini, and my son-in-law brought me a case and a half!

What to do with so much zucchini? I could have chopped them and frozen them, but am trying to get away from using my freezer so heavily. I don’t like to depend exclusively on something that is dependent on electricity. (I remember well being without power for a week in Baltimore when a storm came through, and trying to cook all the chicken in the freezer before it spoiled, as the daylight faded and I had just a candle for light.) I decided dehydrating the zucchini in the oven would be my best option, but all three batches failed – one spoiled (not hot enough), and two got overdone when the heat was too high. Our chickens enjoyed them, at least.

Since it was clear dehydrating wasn’t working in this case, I thought about what to do with the remaining zucchini. I could can them, but as a low-acid food my only choice was pickling them, and that didn’t sound appealing.

When I began canning in 2008, I made lots of the recipes in the canning books. They looked good and filled the jars, but they weren’t foods that we ate. I learned my lesson – now I won’t can something unless it’s something I know I’ll use.

I started cruising for zucchini inspiration and came across a comment about mock pineapple that got my mental wheels turning – I started thinking about zucchini as a potential palette to absorb other flavors. With some more looking, I found recipes for apple pie and lemon pie filling made from zucchini, as well as pineapple zucchini. It sounds strange, I know. I think of it like tofu. It doesn’t taste like much on it’s own but it can turn into whatever you want.

I made the mock pineapple, and when one of the jars didn’t seal when processing, we put it in the fridge and had some the next day. My boys told me it actually tasted like pineapple and was really good!

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The mock pineapple was especially yummy with homemade yogurt, made by ds14. We got a call a couple of nights ago (from my other son-in-law) that a large synagogue was giving away tons of milk that was due to expire a day later. We got a bunch and while I was out at choir practice, ds14 was busy making loads of yogurt. Literally – he made an 18 liter bucket full! (You can see it behind him in the picture below.)

Making cheese

Then over the next couple of days, he and ds12 experimented with making soft cheeses, adding flavorings, straining them, weighting them down. They are using only lemon juice and vinegar for a curdling element, no rennet. My favorite so far was made by ds12, with milk, salt, eggs and yogurt. It takes a lot of milk to make cheese, and it’s fun to experiment when all the milk is free! My boys appreciated the opportunity since they’ve been wanting to experiment with cheese making for quite a while. (A while back ds14 did some cheesemaking, but that ended when the budget I allotted was spent.)

This was my favorite so far, by ds12 – it sliced up really nicely in firm slices. He weighted it down quite a lot to squeeze the liquids out.

The shalom zachor will be at our home tonight, and today will be a busy day getting ready for that as well as Shabbos. Dd21 and ds15 came home last night so they can be here for the shalom zachor (they were initially planning to only next week for the Thursday bris and then stay for Shabbos), and since my birthday is tomorrow I appreciate them being here even more!

Avivah

New grandson, homeschool alumni panel, changes to our homeschool

homeschooling, parenting

We have been blessed with our third grandson two days ago – first three granddaughters were born within nine months of each other, and now these three little boys born within a year! (We’re waiting for one more addition in the next few weeks.) It’s so nice that as they grow up and we have family get togethers, the cousins will all have each other.

Two days old

And so he won’t be left out since I didn’t announce when he was born, here’s me with my beautiful second grandson three months ago.

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Dd21 and I went to Jerusalem yesterday to see the new baby, and we had the luxury of a long day of driving together that provided the opportunity for hours of shmoozing time. It’s really interesting to watch one’s children become independent, thoughtful adults with well-formed opinions. I reread a couple of John Taylor Gatto’s books recently (Dumbing Us Down and Weapons of Mass Instruction – I highly recommend them both if you want to expand your thinking about education). His writing from twenty and and eleven years ago is remarkably relevant to current events. Dd picked up the book one day when I left it out, and has found his writing insightful and thought-provoking, and we’ve had some really great conversations about the themes he discusses.

Last year I gave the keynote talk at the online Jewish Homeschooling Summit (our first grandson was born that morning!), and though this year I’m not able to participate, dd21 will be joining the alumni panel tonight. The conference is free, and details of the schedule are here. Recordings are available if you can’t participate live. (Edited to add: though she had a lot to say, she only got one question so you won’t hear much of her very well thought-out and articulated positions on education.)

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Meanwhile, it looks like we’ll be having some shifts to our homeschooling. Ds15 is seriously considering leaving high school to learn at home. He’s very mature and is taking the time to weigh the decision, evaluating the benefits and disadvantages of each option. The main advantage is the doors that may open later on, for example, to the post high school yeshiva that his older brother attended. The main disadvantage is spending years waiting to do the things you really want to do, which closes other doors. I would love to have him home again but will support whatever choice he makes.

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We had a visitor this Shabbos and spent hours chatting. This resulted in me agreeing – for the first time ever, despite many requests over the years – to include her thirteen year old son in our homeschooling lives. (He’ll be living with us during the week, going home for Shabbos.) We’ll be doing a week long trial, after we get home from the Shabbos bris of our grandson ***. If it goes well, we’ll extend the trial for another few weeks. My husband was surprised that I agreed, but I think it will be a positive thing for all the boys – hers and mine.

We’re looking to do a house swap for this Shabbos with someone in the Rechavia neighborhood of Jerusalem with a three bedroom apartment. If you know someone, or are that someone and want to enjoy a Shabbos in the gorgeous north, please be in touch via email. (My name@yahoo.com)

Avivah

Thoughts before Rosh Hashana, changing our future

parenting, personal development

We stand at the beginning of a new year, at a time when the fate of all humanity will be determined for the year to come.

When I think of the enormity of Rosh Hashana, I consider the year behind us and all that has happened. All of that was determined last Rosh Hashana. And so, if there is something that we would like to be different this year, if there is something that troubles us, this is the time to throw ourselves into prayer and beg G-d that the coming year be different.

I’ve shared about the deep, deep satisfaction and happiness I have when all of my children are together and enjoying one another’s company. I don’t think there’s anything else that brings me that kind of pleasure. I sometimes think about G-d looking down on His children – what would bring Him more pleasure than His children all getting along with one another?

People across the world have become fractured and feel separate from and sometimes even hostile towards those who think differently or make different choices. As hard as it may feel, if we can put those differences aside and instead of seeing a position, look at the person behind it, to value and appreciate the person, if we can have good will towards others and presume they have good intentions towards us – we can change the future.

Because when G-d sees us showing love and compassion for one another, it awakens His compassion for us. We are all imperfect, we all make mistakes and have endless room for growth, but when we come together with a desire for harmony, there is nothing that our loving Father wants to see more than His children getting along.

United we stand, divided we fall. This is true in so many ways. May we all be inscribed for a year of revealed blessing.

I wish for everyone one of you a year of health, blessing, joy in your family relationships, and a feeling of trust and well-being in your inner and outer worlds.

Much love to you all,

Avivah

After a year and a half, both of my youngest children are in school!

parenting, Trisomy 21

Ds4 has been homeschooling for the last year and a half, and made amazing strides. I haven’t mentioned him for a while, so here’s a quick update.

He’s always been smart – I told his bio parents when I first met them that I was sure he would be! – and now is visibly much more confident and secure than he was when he was last in school (March 2019). His physical development has been fantastic – climbing, running, swimming; a father of a toddler with Trisomy 21 met him in a park and told me he can’t keep his eyes off him, that he was inspired to see a child with Down syndrome move like he does. I get the same kind of comments we hear with ds9 – are you sure he has Down syndrome? The regular kind? Really? But he doesn’t look like it….

All of our kids are very good mediators, and in ds9 he has his own one-on-one private tutor for hours every day. He even taught ds4 to swim this summer.

And now, finally, he’s going to school! He’s really ready in every way. And so am I.

We had hoped to send him to a local multi-age mainstream kindergarten a few minutes from our home, but after two conversations with the teacher, it was clear that she may be a good administrator but warmth and flexibility aren’t her strong points (or maybe they just don’t come across on the phone). Her obvious impatience with me and disinterest in having ds4 in her class caused me to eliminate what seemed like an ideal inclusive option, and instead register him at the special needs school that ds9 attends. It’s more important to me that he be in a place where there is warmth and appreciation of who he is, than to pursue an supposedly inclusive option that would leave him marginalized.

Though there’s an afternoon option that every other child in the kindergarten and school attends, I opted not to send either of them. That would mean them leaving home before 7:30 am and coming home at 6:30pm. Instead, they’ll be leaving school at around 1 and home by 2:15 pm. I’ve been told again and again what a shame it is that they’re missing out on all the extracurricular fun activities, but I’m okay with that. Building relationships takes time, and our connection with them would be negatively impacted if they’re gone all day, every day.

I didn’t send ds4 the first two days of school since he had a mild eye infection. Instead, we inaugurated the first official day of school with a trip to a beach at the Kineret.

There was a homeschool meet up scheduled at that same beach for 10 am and though I would have loved to have met other families, the beach isn’t really a great place if you have modesty concerns. We go early in the mornings when we mostly have the beach to ourselves.

Ds12 swimming

Anyway, ds4 has been asking me for months when he’s going to to school, and was so happy to finally go with ds9 on the van this morning!

After I sent them off, it struck me that for the first time in a year and a half, I could do something without having to be conscious of the presence of a younger child. Though I still have two children homeschooling (12 and 14), parenting teens is very different than young children! It’s such a nice thing to have quiet space that isn’t carved out while my children are present.

Less than 90 minutes after putting them on the van, ds9’s teacher called. She notified me that the students in her class had a 45 minute session with a specialized teacher on the first day of school. That teacher just got a positive covid test, and ds9 will now have to go into quarantine for the next week and a half.

I wryly smiled inside – my quiet time will have to wait a while longer!

I’m grateful that at least ds4 was able to go on the school van for the first time together with ds9. I knew having his older brother’s ongoing presence would make the transition to kindergarten easier on him, but even if it was only one time during this early transition to school period, that still has been helpful for ds4.

And so the school year has begun, kind of!

Avivah

Vision board workshop with my family

homeschooling, parenting, personal development

Last night I was planning to do a vision board workshop with the teen girls that I give a Shabbos shiur to, but there was a scheduling conflict so I rescheduled it.

All my family members happened to be home at 5 pm and it occurred to me, why not do a family workshop right now!

Everyone was game, and quickly cleared the table and took out art materials. I put out the pile of collected magazines.

What is a vision board? A vision board is a tool to help a person clarify, visualize and connect emotionally to their desire for the coming year. For this reason I feel it’s especially appropriate to do before Rosh Hashana.

I started by explaining to my family the purpose. Then, each person was to cut out pictures or words that were emotionally resonant for them. They didn’t have to know why something resonated, but just to recognize that something about it felt good to them.

After collecting the images, they are pasted onto a paper to create a collage of good feeling images.

Since each picture is chosen for what it represents to the person himself, no one else can accurately interpret what was chosen without hearing the explanation. Often what it looks like and what is represents to the person are very different. For example, one son chose a picture of pizza with different toppings to represent balance.

Everyone enjoyed the creative experience, but then we had to stop to go in our different directions (shul, bar mitzva lesson, dinner). I went to a small Elul gathering in the fields that was so lovely. Several times I noticed my family members were trying to reach me, and when I finally called back at 10:45 pm, they told me they were waiting for me to come home so we could part 2 together.

I was so touched that they initiated this!

Part 2 is sharing the significance of what they created together with everyone else. This was so incredibly meaningful and powerful.

I wasn’t sure they would feel comfortable with this aspect, and stressed when I explained the process initially that no one had to share if they didn’t want to. It takes courage to set an intention and it can feel vulnerable to envision something with no idea of how or when it can happen. And it can feel even more unsafe to share about those intentions with others.

As nice as the creative process was, sharing about it exponentially deepened the experience. It helped each person further clarify for themselves and for the rest of us what they wanted and their feelings about it.

I was literally in awe of what each person created, to hear the explanation of what each picture and saying chosen meant to him. Even knowing my children as well as I do, I wouldn’t have guessed what many of the pictures represented. So much depth and to hear about what was chosen, what was cut out so it didn’t appear in the vision board…wow.

A few of us want to continue adding to the vision boards today. One came home from davening and by 7:45 am was already looking through the magazines for more images to add. Everyone in our family who was home made a vision board (two aren’t shown), except for ds4 (though he was actively present, including through session 2, which took place from around 11 pm until midnight).

It was a great experience and one that I am so grateful we were able to do together!

Avivah

The process of transition and letting yourself have your feelings

parenting, personal development

The wedding was beautiful, the sheva brachos were wonderful – it could not have been more lovely in any way!

At the end of Shabbos sheva brachos, a close friend of my son came over to me and asked me, “Do you know anything about psychology?” (I’m guessing it was probably because when my son spoke he said how he didn’t need the support of anyone else during the dating process because he was able to talk to me about everything.)

“Maybe a tiny drop. Why?”

“What to you do when you have to say goodbye to a close friend?” he wanted to know.

I could see the heaviness in his eyes. “You have to let yourself feel sad,” I told him.

Then I shared with him about how emotional I had been the week before. (I told you about my waterworks already.) That as happy as you are for the person getting married, you recognize and feel the loss of the current relationship with them, and it’s important to recognize it and let yourself feel the sadness.

Painting – my inner sadness (dark grey) when surrounded by external joy of the engagement (orange/red), and finding my own flow and happiness (shades of teal) as I participate in the happiness all around

The next day I was driving my fifteen year old to the bus stop the next morning, he told me, “I caught something from you at the wedding.”

Puzzled, I asked him what he meant.

“Being emotional.”

He said he was feeling a lot of sadness during the wedding, that it felt like saying goodbye to his brother.

And again, I said, you have to let yourself feel it. You can’t squash your feelings down because they don’t go away. They just come out unexpectedly in different directions.

The day of the final sheva brachos, I went to the shiva of a friend. As I told her, it’s a gift in Judaism that there’s a transition period between major life events and the step after that event. When a close family member dies, the person doesn’t go back to day to day life as soon as the funeral is over. There’s a week long period to process the loss of the loved one.

Joyous events also need emotional transition time. When someone gets married, he has daily celebrations for him for the week following the wedding. As valuable as this is for the new couple to support their transition to married life, it’s also important for those who love them, to have a bit more time to be with them and more gradually let go.

We made the final sheva brachos in Yavneel, and I really wanted to speak. (Actually, I wanted to speak at the Shabbos sheva brachos but was concerned that my emotions were too close to the surface and might bubble up and keep me from saying what I wanted to say. )

However, it’s not the norm for women to speak at sheva brachos and I was less comfortable speaking in front of the Yavneel community crowd versus the family crowd on Shabbos. My husband knew I was very uncomfortable about speaking when the rav was there, and simply went over to ask if it was okay. He said it was fine, and so I did.

This was important to me, because I felt it was meaningful to my son and new daughter-in-law. And it was also valuable for me in my own process as a mother, to share some of my appreciation about who my son is, and thank Hashem for His incredible kindness to our family, in bringing yet another wonderful person into our family.

I share this because there are so many feelings when a close family member gets married, and often people feel guilty for not being wholeheartedly happy about it. It’s completely normal to have those mixed feelings, and it’s important to find a way to give those feelings space, in order to process them and then release them.

Avivah

An emotional last Shabbos with my son before the wedding

parenting

I’ve been a bit emotionally disconnected from the wedding plans for most of the engagement period, which hasn’t been my experience with our past weddings.

But I’ve made up for it this Shabbos. 🙂

Wow, what an amazing and emotional Shabbos. I held all my emotion about my son getting married in until now but now it’s bursting out all over.

The original plan was to celebrate his aufruf at his yeshiva in Jerusalem, and everyone twelve and above in our family would go there. But then we talked about it just a week ago, and he said what he would enjoy more was a special Shabbos at home with all of his siblings.

So we had everyone (ie all the married and single kids) here for the entire Shabbos. It was so nice. And it helped all of us get into the wedding spirit. Generally the bride’s side does a lot more of the wedding preparations, and we all agreed it’s harder to get into the mood when you’re kind of on the sidelines.

I didn’t start crying until I gave my son a bracha (blessing) on Friday night – that triggered him to start tearing up, and we just stood there hugging each other, crying. So much emotion. And it continued through all of Shabbos – I kept getting these huge waves of emotion when I looked at him. Everything is a ‘last’ as a single – the last bracha, the last time he put Yirmi to bed, the last time going to shul with his brothers, the last breakfast together, the last time taking him to the bus to Jerusalem.

Our family tradition is that for a person’s birthday, we go around in a circle and each person shares something they appreciate about the birthday celebrant. At our third Shabbos meal, we did a circle for my son, to give everyone a chance to share something about him.

When my turn first came around, I couldn’t initially speak because I was too choked up, and my oldest son said, “I don’t understand why you’re crying. Your son is getting married, that’s a happy thing.”

Yes, it really is a happy thing. We want our children to become independent, to do the things that are meaningful for them and to live the lives they want to lead. I truly celebrate that, and I couldn’t feel more happy that my son is marrying such a special person. They are a beautiful couple.

At the same time, every new beginning is the end of something else. That’s where there is the sadness, the feeling of loss. A loss of the relationship as it is right now.

I was emotional when my oldest son got married, but I didn’t know then how much things would change after he got married. Now I know. The saying goes, “You aren’t losing a son, you’re gaining a daughter. “And that’s true. But it’s also true that once your child gets married, your relationship is different. This is particularly true when a son gets married.

This son is one of the most remarkable people I’ve ever met – he’s a natural leader, charismatic, extremely kind, with a huge heart and appreciation of every person. It’s not for nothing that so many people think he’s his best friend. When shadchanim asked me to describe him, I always muted my description of him, because to describe him accurately would seem like an exaggeration.

When he was in shidduchim, I considered sharing about the process but didn’t know how to write about it without it seeming like I was bragging, which I wasn’t. There were very generous and very impressive suggestions that were made, that were a huge honor to have been offered. That was all a reflection of him. As the one handling the shidduchim, it was a lot to manage.

Someone recently called to tell me her experience in working with him at camp, and said ‘he’s larger than life’. Yes, he is. He has been given a lot of gifts and uses them well, but remains humble and down to earth.

Despite all his busyness, all his friends and activities, he makes us feel there’s nowhere he’d rather be than at home, and no one he’d rather spend time with than us. He’s been a huge positive force in our family, and I’ll miss him. We all will.

And so, with all the happiness, there are a lot of tears.

Avivah

A Friday wedding?? Yes, and here’s why.

marriage, parenting

Yesterday afternoon an order for the wedding preparations arrived.

One hundred fans for use by guests at the chupa.

This isn’t something we’ve felt necessary to order for past weddings, but then again, we’ve never before made a Friday wedding with a chupa in the heat of the day!

I have been getting interested comments about the wedding taking place on a Friday. It’s definitely not a typical choice. So let me tell you how and why it came about.

In a number of the charedi yeshivas, there is a custom that weddings do not take place in the Jewish month of Elul (this year that coincides with August). This is because it’s the month before Rosh Hashana and a time of increased spiritual striving and intensity, and the yeshiva students are dedicating themselves to that on a higher level than usual. To support this, weddings that would take them out of the bais medrash (study hall) during this time aren’t scheduled.

Elul would have been perfect timing for us, but with that not an option it left us two choices: a wedding at the end of Av (end of July) or a wedding after the chagim (fall holidays) in October.

An added factor was that our kallah is on break from college from July through October, when her final semester begins. We all agreed it would be very nice if the wedding could take place during her extended vacation.

The first option didn’t leave enough time to plan a wedding. The second option meant a much longer engagement period, missing the vacation period entirely with a wedding coinciding with her going back to school.

The kallah’s father suggested making the wedding on Friday – since Friday is a ‘day off’, there is no conflict of yeshiva policy. That would allow the time frame they wanted for the engagement period, not too long and not too short. Then the wedding can take place during the college summer vacation, with them able to enjoy the bein hazmanim (yeshiva vacation) for the holidays as a married couple.

So Friday was the perfect option, really a win-win in every way. The only downside is the heat. 🙂 Hence the fans.

Avivah