Category Archives: parenting

Our beginning efforts raising ducks and quail

About ten weeks ago, we became the owners of three Pekin ducks, two females and one male!

Watching the ducks inside their coop after they arrived.
My entire yard was filled with 3 – 5 foot weeds when we moved here, and I thought the ducks would assist me in getting rid of them. I was wrong, but there are other benefits!

We had visions of fresh eggs and baby chicks, and were delighted that despite being told it would likely take 2 – 4 weeks for them to settle in and start laying again, one of them began laying on the third day. It was so exciting to see that first egg there!

The first egg!

Despite being very happy in their new surroundings, one of the females died just nine days later. She had come to us with a cut next to her eye that we understood from the seller was mostly healed, but it became infected and though we put antibiotic cream on it, it was too little, too late.

My son told me he didn’t think she was feeling well – less than a half hour later I found her laying beak down in the coop, dead.

I knew raising animals would mean encountering the life and death cycle close up, but I wasn’t expecting it so soon.

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Prior to this, we had begun to gather the eggs and set them aside, hoping we could incubate them. We were fortunate to have a neighbor who raises birds who had some room left in his incubator, and agreed to add our seven eggs to his batch. Duck eggs have a four week incubation period and we waited eagerly for the hatch.

The person who had the incubator told the boys after a couple of weeks that it looked like only five of our eggs would hatch. That sounded like a good number, though!

However, we had a massive unseasonal heatwave, and there was an incubator failure as a result. Out of all of those eggs, just one adorable little duckling hatched.

Ds14 with Pineapple, a few hours old

She was dubbed Pineapple, and spent her first day being held non-stop, her first night sleeping snuggled on ds14, and spent the next day once again mostly being held – she was very content.

The second night we put her in her box lined with straw inside the bedroom, not knowing that even though it was so warm she still needed a heat lamp. (When we hatched ducklings in the US we didn’t use a heat lamp and they all survived, both times – and the weather was much cooler than here.)

They found her dead in the morning. It was very, very sad.

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While we were waiting for the duck eggs to hatch, my twelve year old son began asking me if he could buy quail to raise. The seller of the ducks had some other fowl, among them quail, and when we were there for the ducks we chatted about them. This son had been with me and the conversation he listened to ignited an interest.

I told him he had to build a coop for them before we could get any. He had already built the coop for the ducks with ds14, and so he began collecting scrap wood and materials.

Once the coop was built, off we went last week to buy some quail. He had money for two females and a male, but the seller told him he needed a higher ratio of females to males. When the seller heard about our duck’s untimely demise, he said he would give us the quail that my son was interested in as compensation. My son was very excited about to get five females and one male!

The quail have been doing really well. They’re fun to watch, and surprised us by starting to lay eggs just a week after we got them, when they were only six weeks old. Ds12 started collecting eggs to incubate.

(After he did this, he made the eggs available for us to eat – the last couple of Shabbosim, he boiled a bunch of them and we enjoyed the tiny delicacies for shalosh seudos.)

He began learning about heat lamps and buying materials to build his own warmer for when his eggs hatched.

Before long, the first egg hatched! So exciting! But the tiny chick had a leg injury and couldn’t stand or sit upright.

Ds12 was very anxious about this, and began building a special seat that would keep the chick upright and allow him to eat and drink without needing to move. He put the chick in the special warmer that night to make sure it would stay warm.

In the morning, it was dead.

The next day the second egg hatched. This one was totally healthy and looked great. Ds was so much more relaxed and enjoyed this baby chick. He taught it to eat and drink, held it throughout the day and put it in the warmer at night.

Warmer, set up and wired by ds12

He told me this quail was going to make it because it was doing so well.

A day or two later, his older brother peeked in the warmer and noticed it wasn’t looking good. Ds12 rushed to take it out, and stroked it repeatedly, dipping its beak in water and food.

Ds holding the baby quail next to the adult female hoping it would give it security and connection.

It was looking stronger – and then moments later died in his hand.

He was devastated and began sobbing.

There have definitely been some lessons along the way, and I’m not going to wax poetic about them. It’s been hard.

As a parent, my role has been to support his interest, then hold space for the feelings of overwhelm, discouragement and sadness that have come up. After the second chick died in his hands, he told me, crying, that he wasn’t going to raise any more birds if they were all going to die.

I didn’t tell him it would all be okay or attempt to convince him of why it wasn’t a big deal. It was a very big deal for him. As a parent, it’s hard to see your child’s pain and you want to take it away. It comes from such a good place in us! But it invalidates a child’s experience to do that. Believe me, I so much wanted to reassure and soothe him.

Then the next two quail eggs hatched. Again, one had a leg injury and one was healthy. After the first quail chick died, I read about how to help a baby quail do physical therapy and told ds about it, so he went out to find a cup that would be the right size for this. Even though the cup he bought wasn’t quite the right size, the chick is walking around much better.

And this time, the two little chicks have not only warmth, light, food, water and conscientious care, but they have each other, and that makes a huge difference. (He thinks the second chick died of loneliness.) They are now six days old and both are doing well. Whew!

(Edited to add: a few days after I wrote this, he left the chicks in the care of his brother for two days when he went to Jerusalem to do bar mitzva shopping. On the first afternoon he was gone, one of the chicks died. When he got home he bought a week old chicken chick to keep his quail chick company so he wouldn’t be lonely.

A few days later, our dog got into the warmer – my son had closed the door to the room they were in but it hadn’t clicked shut. He found the chicken chick injured on the floor and the quail chick gone. We searched everywhere, and then I found it dead on the floor in a different room. I went to get my husband to give some emotional support to my son, who was very emotional. When I got upstairs again, my son told me in relief that the chick was alive but must have fainted from fright. The saga continues….)

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Last week we got two more female ducks. I did this to improve the plight of the lone remaining female duck, who has the unenviable role of being the sole object of the male’s amorous attention. I’ve been looking to buy mature female Pekins, but without success. I spoke to someone who raises Pekins who suggested getting female muscovies to solve the problem, which are easy to find and a lot cheaper.

The very next day my boys went to pick out a couple from someone local who sells them. So easy. And kind of ironic, since I was adamant I didn’t want muscovies! They have different benefits than the Pekins, which after a couple of months of having ducks, now seem more significant. (A big one: muscovies incubate their own eggs.)

Ds11 has been telling me that he wants to raise some kind of animal (he asked about having a goat, to which I said absolutely not! – but hey, it’s good he felt he could ask!). Since via the unexpected refund for the first duck I ended up funding the quail for ds12, I offered these to ds11. He was quite pleased.

As for why I got ducks to start with, I’ll have to write another post about that. But a nice perk is starting my day sitting outside, watching them. So relaxing!

Avivah

Am I amazing or a complete failure as a parent? Allowing myself be imperfect.

Recently we had our final meeting with our foster care social worker. She was the one who did our intake application and interviews, she was there when the transfer was made from the birth parents to us, and she’s come monthly for the last three and a half years for home visits.

Now that we’ve moved to a different part of the country, our file will be moved to a different organization that has jurisdiction locally. Hence the goodbye.

We took care of the formalities, and then she told me how much she appreciated working with us. She said,”Even though there have been times we’ve had strong disagreements (yes, when I found myself facing policies that I believed were harmful for my child!), I appreciate that you’ve always been willing to listen to me and consider my view, and that we’ve been able to talk about it.

She continued: “On a personal note, I have a lot to learn from you as a mother. Leadership Parenting, that’s what your approach is, right? I see that all the time, in the way you say ‘yes’ to your children and how you say ‘no’, really I see it in many different things you do. I can learn a lot from you.”

Picture taken by the social worker

Coming from someone who has been in my house regularly for years and has seen a lot of situations, her feedback was significant and appreciated.


Then there was two days later, when I was so, so, so frustrated with my seven year old and responded very disappointingly. I can’t even remember now what triggered it – it wasn’t something major – it was facing the kind of thing that I deal with every day.

A few months ago I went to a workshop on setting boundaries for kids with special needs. The workshop leader was excellent, but I felt very bothered listening and at the end I spoke up. “I’ve been using all these techniques for years – I’ve raised all my children like this. And it’s important to be clear that this approach doesn’t make it easy to parent a child with special needs – sometimes it just makes it possible to cope. Because I use these all day, every day, and sometimes it is just really hard. I think it’s important to be clear that if it’s hard doesn’t mean someone is doing something wrong.”

Yirmi (who is an awesome kid who happens to have Trisomy 21) will be eight in a week. When I think of that birthday I have to take some deep breaths and remind myself to let go of my idea of when things should happen, and also remind myself that as a parent, I’m enough.

I think that many (all??) parents struggle with these split emotions of sometimes doing great as a parent, and then falling on your face and feeling like a complete failure – sometimes within minutes. And you know what? There’s no contradiction to being a fantastic parent a lot of the time and struggling mightily at other times.

It’s the reality of parenting.

When I’m feeling discouraged and inadequate as a parent, I remind myself that I’m doing my best in every moment. We all are. Sometimes my best looks impressive and sometimes it really doesn’t look good at all, but with the good and with the not so good…..I’m enough.

Avivah

Living your dream – take small steps in the direction of your vision

This morning my husband and I took our kids to the Kineret (Sea of Galilee) for an early morning outing. It was so lovely. The sky, the air, the beautiful cranes swooping all around…glorious.

At one point, I looked at my husband, who smiled at me and said: “We’re living the dream.” I nodded back, with a deep feeling of appreciation.

What was he talking about?

Over the years we’ve talked about our vision for our lives a lot. Our personal ideal includes my husband working from home and being able to take the boys to synagogue with him, learning with them first thing in the day, and being able to have time for family outings. For years I’ve taken the kids on trips but my husband has usually been away at work. We’ve dreamed of much more integrated family time.

And now it’s happening.

Since moving three months ago, my husband now works from home three days a week, and works in Jerusalem the other two days. That means he’s home five days a week.

We’ve had corona restrictions in place that limited his ability to take the boys to shul (synagogue) until fairly recently. And now that piece, starting the day praying and learning together – something we’ve wanted for years! – is beginning to happen.

At dinner last night, I suggested we plan small outings that we can put into our regular schedule. We are blessed to live a very short drive from the Kineret (thank You, Hashem!!!), so we talked about going for just an hour. That would make it something we could easily integrate on a regular basis.

Two thumbs up – having fun!

This was our first time out as a family, and it showed us that it’s completely doable. My husband was able to start working by 10 am, and worked later in the day to offset the late start. We hope to do this once a week now!

Ds11

Sometimes we make our dreams and visions so big and complicated that they can’t happen. My experience is that by moving towards what I want and taking small steps in that direction, life keeps getting better and better.

Avivah

When an angry driver screamed at my son, bringing him to tears

I was upstairs on my porch when I heard loud yelling close by. I peered over my railing and saw a man screaming at my twelve year old son.

Now, you have to know that this son is a really, really good kid. Respectful, helpful, kind. What could someone be angry with him about?

This.

This is a path through agricultural fields – it’s meant to be used only by tractors for planting and harvesting but cars started using it as a shortcut. Yavneel is so small that this shortcut saves them literally about one minute of driving time. It’s bumpy and pitted, not something you’d want to drive on, but people sometimes do.

This morning my son was outside watching his two younger siblings, and the driver of a van coming through the fields from the opposite side encountered these rocks in the path and jumped out of his van. He began yelling; this is when I heard the shouting and came running.

I found my son in tears, moving the rocks aside and when I asked him what happened, he told me the guy screamed at him to clear the path. I told him to stop immediately and then spoke with the very agitated driver.

After a few minutes, he explained he was having a hard morning and apologized for getting so upset (he even tried to hug my son, who absolutely did not want to be touched by him). I told him I was sorry to hear that.

He then said, he’s been using this path for years every single morning and now is upset it’s been blocked. Now, I know this path hasn’t been in use for the last 2.5 months since it’s been blocked since before I moved here, but I also realized at some point it hadn’t been blocked up and he must have been using it before the corona quarantine.

I explained to him that it had been blocked for safety reasons because it’s not a road, and asked him if he would mind terribly to go around instead. I explained that children play here at the end of our block (which is more like a paved path than a street), that I have two young children with special needs and it is so much safer for them not to have cars using this as a shortcut. He quieted down and that’s when my neighbors heard what was happening and came over.

They both told him that this isn’t an official road and he shouldn’t be driving here.

As much as I appreciated the neighborly support and everything they said was said without yelling, this triggered him back into arguing to protect his ego. His demeanor shifted back to yelling. He said angrily, “She (meaning me) asked me nicely and I would stop using this path as a kindness to her, but now you’re telling me I’m not allowed to use this and you’re wrong.”

‘I’m right, you’re wrong.’ This never leads to anything productive. People just get increasingly entrenched in their positions.

To discuss points of disagreement with others, we must 1) be willing to see things through their eyes and 2) recognize how easily what we say can be perceived as a personal attack. It’s not easy to see others with differing viewpoints as well-intended, but there’s no productive conversation possible if you assume the other person is selfish, self-centered, and out to hurt you or your rights.

In the end, I followed him back to his car and said, “You’re right, it’s not an official road but this path has been used by cars and you’re allowed to drive here also. I’m asking you as a personal favor for the safety of the local children if you would mind going around instead.” He agreed.

Avivah

Wistful as ‘corona times’ coming to an end

Yesterday I drove my seventeen year old son to the bus station. He returned to his yeshiva, this time as a dorming student. Today I’ll take my nineteen year old daughter to the bus station as she moves out and begins a new job in Jerusalem. My husband will be going back to the office in a couple of days. (My twenty-one year old son studies at a very large yeshiva which hasn’t yet reopened so he’s still home.)

It’s been two months with everyone home – my husband and eight of our children – and this time has been incredibly precious to me.

Even when everyone else in the family was home together, my husband was always working and missing out. Now he’s been working from home and has been with us throughout the day, something he and I have dreamed of. It’s literally our ideal life.

Though I’d have preferred to have my three year old at home, as a foster child that option wasn’t available. Thanks to this situation, he’s been home for the last two months and won’t have to go back to school until the beginning of the school year. That’s a six month long reprieve for him and he’s thriving.

All of my children above the age of 10 except for one actively opposed moving. They really, really, really didn’t want to move. They loved living in RBS, they had friends and connections and a sense of belonging. My older three kids expected to be sporadic visitors with no sense of meaningful connection in our new community.

This was a move that none of them saw as benefiting them in any way. It would only make their lives more difficult, as two of our kids living at home would have to find somewhere else to live once we moved, and it would be a long trip whenever they came back home for a visit. A visit to a place where they didn’t want to be, didn’t belong and didn’t connect with.

Covid-19 changed everything for us.

First of all, I didn’t take anyone away from the life they loved by moving here. Corona regulations had already taken it all away before we moved. They couldn’t spend time with friends or participate in any of the activities they enjoyed. They couldn’t even go outside for a walk.

Moving became a solution rather than a problem.

We moved at the most beautiful time of year, with the most perfect weather, to the most beautiful part of the country. Even at the times with the most restrictions, we could be outside in our large yard and the younger kids could play in the fields next to the house.

There was so much to do once we moved, and that work was shared by everyone. This made our move so, so, so much easier, and also created a sense of involvement and connection to our new home.

Synagogues were closed when we moved and people were staying to themselves. My 21 year old son organized a minyan (prayer service) three times a day that met the quarantine guidelines – four of our family members prayed in our backyard, our next door neighbor prayed in his back yard, and the men in the two houses behind us prayed from their front yards and porches – everyone in their own space and at the same time, everyone together.

These were all people who usually would pray in different synagogues and not have mutual meeting points. Our older boys and my husband had a chance to meet neighbors they would have hardly seen otherwise. As the restrictions eased, the rest of us have gotten to know our immediate neighbors, too. It’s been over twenty years since I felt this connected to my neighbors – ironic, at a time of social distancing to feel so connected, isn’t it?

As a family, we have never had the level of relaxed connection and time together that we experienced during the last two months. Not even when I was homeschooling nine children at once. The time together was enhanced by the fact that there was nowhere else to be. This allowed everyone to relax and be present in the moment, without the urgency of needing/wanting to be somewhere else. It was a rare opportunity to us all to experience this inner quiet simultaneously for an extended period.

What do our children think about us moving now? Everything has been so much better than any of us expected. They not only like it a lot, but think it was a great decision to move here! That’s pretty amazing considering their feelings before we came.

In the last few weeks things have gradually been reopening and that’s a good thing. That’s a very, very good thing.

At the same time, I feel so wistful and almost sad that this time is ending. This has been an incredibly valuable and beautiful time that could not have been more perfectly scripted for our family. I hope we can find ways to continue to create this feeling as the busyness of life resumes.

As our older kids are starting to move out, it’s a comfort that this new place has become a place where they belong, a home where they’ll want to come back to.

Avivah

Enjoying being together in the quarantine period

My family was discussing what aspects of this quarantine period they appreciate, and here is some of what they shared:

  • no rushing, being able to go at a more relaxed pace
  • enjoying being at home and participating instead of feeling there’s something else you’d rather be doing and resenting being asked to help out
  • family meals three times a day
  • working together on projects
  • being more patient and kind to your siblings
  • my husband working from home
  • no need to get the younger boys to school and from school and therapies

Having moved a month ago and having a bigger space has been a nice plus, but everyone felt we would have done just fine if we had stayed where we were, too. Some things would have been different, but we would have still enjoyed being together.

It takes time to learn to be together around the clock. Lots of families are feeling very challenged by this, and it’s okay to not love it and it’s okay to want it to be over.

But it’s also an opportunity many families are enjoying. One father told my son, “I realized I never knew who my kids were, and now I’m getting to know them.” There’s now a global opportunity to experience a deeper level of connection with our families.

If you’re struggling, realize you can make your thoughts work for you by shifting perspectives. There are plenty of negatives that we can all find and if you focus on that, it’s going to be hard! Being able to view this time as a positive opportunity is the first step to opening the door to a more positive and enjoyable experience.

For me, the togetherness and being able to make our own schedule has always been the best part of homeschooling, and I’m really loving having that again!

Avivah

Working together on home projects – building, painting, gardening – fun, fun!

Since moving a week and a half ago, we’ve been super busy. The days are full, but as busy as we’ve been, it’s been enjoyable and we haven’t felt rushed.

In addition to rebuilding closets, unpacking and settling in, here’s some more that we’ve been up to.

Clearing junk – First of all, we needed to clear out the large amount of junk that was left behind. Though this shouldn’t have been left for us to deal with, we appreciated the seller let us move in before the sale was complete, and considered this the price for our early move. It was a lot of stuff and definitely a task of its own.

The bulk trash pickup system here is very different than what I was used to in a city! After piling it near the driveway, I had to call someone who works for the municipality to come and pick it up. It took a few days but at 8 am one morning, there was a knock on my door and there was the guy for the bulk pickup, telling me to send out someone to load the stuff onto his tractor.

I went out to see a trailer hooked up to his tractor, and a few of the boys ran out to load it up. It was great to get all that trash out and have a fresh slate to get working!

Pergolas – Even though there is plenty to do inside, we decided our first big project would be building a pergola. Right now the weather is so beautiful and working outside is a pleasure – that won’t be the case for much longer! We have a very sunny exposure and it gets incredibly hot here in the summer. Having a pergola will provide us with a shaded outdoor area for playing and hanging out, so we can enjoy the outdoors rather than escaping inside to the a/c.

I wanted to build a large pergola on the front of the house and a smaller pergola on the side, to create two different areas for relaxing and playing.

Ds21 is not only highly competent, he’s a really good team leader. He had all of the other kids (except ds3) involved in moving lumber from the end of our walkway where the delivery truck left it, and then painting all of it.

Painting boards – dd19, ds17, ds14; ds21 and ds7 the foreground

For the actual building, he instructed ds14, ds12 and ds17 so they were learning as they went along (dd19 and dd23 were very involved in building our last pergola in RBS). I really appreciate them having the opportunity to learn real life skills. Working on a project like this builds competence as well as confidence.

Ds12 using the jigsaw to cut the decorative designs on the ends of the boards
Night activity at the Werners – ds12 and ds21 on ladder drilling in ledger boards to house
Raising the first beam – from left to right, ds21, ds17, ds12 and ds14 on ladder.
Ds14 using circular saw to trim boards down
The large pergola on the front of the house, finished!
The smaller pergola on the side of the house, finished except for attaching monkey bars.

Gate – The yard has a wall around most of it, with an opening in the front and back. I have two young children and a dog who I’d like to let run freely in our garden without worrying they’re going somewhere they shouldn’t. Ds21 and ds14 built a gate and a small fence next to it, to make our space safer for them.

The entrance to our yard, before.
The gate and small fence next to it, where the wall is low enough for a child to easily climb over.

Chickens/duck research – the yard is a huge overgrown space, filled with tall weeds. I’ve been thinking a lot about getting chickens, since they are the ultimate composting/tilling machines They are super practical! However, I’m strongly drawn to ducks (they are so cute and entertaining!!), even though they aren’t as efficient when it comes to eating leftovers.

I found a seller of the breed of ducks I’m interested in, but due to the lockdown situation I’m not able to pick them up. So I’m deliberating about getting chickens locally in the meantime or waiting a while to add any livestock to our mini-homestead. 🙂

I’ve also been thinking about putting in fruit trees. I would love to get them into the ground before Pesach and prepared my order to call it into the nursery, which delivers. Realistically with all that we have to do in the house and getting ready for Pesach (haven’t even started getting the kitchen ready!), it’s too much to add a project like this in the next two days.

I was ready to push to get it done until I realized there is no external faucet for the garden. Not only no faucet, but no plumbing was laid to connect us to the main water source (there’s different water for gardens) from the municipality. How in the world do you build a house with a large garden and not build the infrastructure to connect to the water system?!? It seems we have to contact the water company to find out what’s involved in getting pipes laid and hooked up and since I haven’t yet done that (I’ve been plenty busy with other things!), I have no idea what that entails in terms of cost or time.

Planting the trees without having a watering system in place is going to be much more work than I’m ready for, so as much as I would love to get them in now while it’s still cool and wet, I’m reluctantly going to have to wait.

I’ve been doing lots of weed pulling, and started putting in landscaping plants along with some vegetable plants. I love waking up early and working in the garden while everyone else is still sleeping. I love it!! When I’m gardening I enjoy it so much that I don’t realize how much work it is, but now I’m stiff and sore from the unexpected workouts!

This partially buried piping was obstructing our walkway entrance.
Once I got started digging the pipe out, I decided to plant some succulents that will fill in nicely with time and require minimal care.

Painting – Last year a leak from the porch upstairs had caused unsightly peeling paint on the ceiling below in several places. Immediately after signing on the home in the fall we had the core issue fixed so there is no new water damage despite the extensive rains this year, but we still had to deal with the remaining cosmetic damage.

We scraped down the ceiling, spackled it, resanded it, painted it and now it looks so good! We have lots more painting to do – the main floor is mostly okay but the upstairs is in serious need of painting in every single room. That’s going to be a big project since the people before us stuck up some adhesive fake brick stuff in the main area that we’re going to have to take down, then do lots of spackling and sanding before we get to the point we can paint it. That will definitely not happen before Pesach!

I wanted to have the colors of the ocean for the living room, so I chose pale sand and pale teal paint colors. Due to the lockdown I ordered the colors from my computer instead of going in person. Unfortunately, things look different on a screen, so I now have a light blue instead of teal! It looks nice, though quite different than what I was envisioning.

The boys painted one bedroom upstairs, and hopefully will do another couple of rooms today.

We still have lots of unpacking and organizing to do, which is impeded by not being able to buy the furniture we’re missing. If I would buy new, I could have it delivered but it still wouldn’t have been here before Pesach, and in any case that’s not what I budgeted for. So I’ll have to wait until the restrictions are lifted to buy from private sellers; for now, I’ve made a makeshift closet for my room by stacking several sturdy boxes on top of each other. It’s not beautiful but it’s better than unpacked boxes all over the floor!

Dog grooming – Our dog loves running through the grassy fields surrounding our home! This has created a new topic for us to learn about – ticks. 🙁 To make it easier to see if something attached to him, ds17 gave Sheleg a haircut – it doesn’t look professional but considering it was his first time, he did a great job! It’s much more functional. We’ve all gotten a quickie course in recognizing and removing ticks. Fun times.

There’s so much to do, and it’s so nice being able to do this together, with everyone is home.

And today, I’m going to get started on getting my kitchen ready for Pesach!

Avivah

We are now a dog family!

People tell me that things change quickly in our family, and I suppose that’s true. I seem like I make decisions fast and act on them quickly. And that’s true! However, what people can’t know if that I spend a lot of time thinking about things and researching prior to taking action.

Months ago when we talked to our kids about moving to northern Israel, one son was very unhappy about the idea. He asked if he could get a dog if we moved, and to ‘sweeten the deal’ for him, I said I would seriously consider it. Time went on and he realized that he’ll be too busy with school to be around much, so he retracted his request.

But I had already begun exploring the idea and saw the different ways that having a dog could be valuable for our family, particularly our youngest two. The more I thought about it, the better an idea it seemed to be. I’m a believer in integrating beneficial activities rather than turning them into stand alone therapy, and some positive benefits of pet therapy are a natural part of pet ownership. Responsibility is great, but my kids can learn that without a pet – but the calm and connection of a pet are wonderful!

For months I’ve been reading descriptions of dogs needing adoptive homes on various Facebook groups, but I didn’t speak to my husband until the week we ended up bringing our dog home. When I presented the idea, he agreed it sounded interesting – once we moved to our bigger house with a bigger yard.

One of the ideas I considered was fostering a dog for a few months as a trial for pet ownership. Another idea was buying a trained service dog that didn’t pass the test (available to those with special needs at a very, very reduced price). I liked that idea a lot, but the waiting list was six months long and closed when I called.

Then I thought about our needs, and realized that I really didn’t need a service dog. What I wanted was a friendly, calm, quiet and intelligent dog that could be trained to track our younger two children if necessary. (I haven’t really shared here about the challenges involved when a child loves to explore on his own and escapes every chance he has…this is a very common issue for kids with T21 and I am SO grateful that when Yirmi turned 7 this finally stopped being the serious ongoing concern it was for years.)

Though I think puppies are incredibly adorable, I had no interest in training a puppy (toilet training my kids is my least favorite parenting activity), which is a significant time investment. I wanted an adult dog that was already housebroken and whose basic personality was already known.

I had just left for a two day women’s trip away when I saw a particular dog listed whose description caught my eye. However, I didn’t contact them because I had no time to take the kids to meet a dog. And anyway, I had just brought up the idea with my husband a couple of days before.

However, when I saw the same dog posted on the morning after I returned, I noticed there was a good bit of interest in this particular dog, and thought I should at least call. So I did. At 1 pm Friday afternoon she called back.

After our conversation, I strongly felt he was potentially a great match for us, so at 1:30 on Friday afternoon, I spontaneously announced a family trip to Tel Aviv! This was a bit of a surprise to them all since I had only a few days earlier in the week casually mentioned the idea of getting a dog. By going at this time, I was able to take my husband and the five youngest boys (who are rarely all available at once), and off we went.

Within less than a minute of meeting the dog, everyone was clear – this was the right dog for our family! Even the kids who were lukewarm to begin were enthusiastic after meeting him. Shabbos began that week at 4:15, Tel Aviv was an hour drive away and it was a very rainy day, leading to a longer trip than usual. We got back home just 15 minutes before Shabbos but all agreed the spontaneous trip was very valuable. It’s one thing to theoretically discuss something; it’s completely a different discussion when everyone knows the specifics.

The morning of the first walk.

Shabbos was filled with lots of talk about how excited they were to get Sheleg (translation: Snowy, because it was snowing when he was born). We bypassed the time constraints of my busy week to come by returning to Tel Aviv on Saturday night to pick him up.

Don’t you love that blissful smile as Yirmi snuggles with Sheleg?

Just like that, we are now a dog family! It’s funny how things can happen so quickly but just feel right. Everyone agrees, he fits our family perfectly.

Enjoying a warm spring day together.

After seeing so many dogs listed, what appealed to me particularly about this dog? First of all, the breed. I was specifically looking for a labrador or golden retriever, because of their friendly, calm temperament and intelligence. Sheleg is a golden retriever (according to his paperwork from the vet, but I think he must be a mix because he’s smaller than the typical golden retriever). A huge plus for me was that he had been raised with a family who had previously run a home daycare. They were wonderfully responsible and loving owners, and he is a very calm dog who is used to being around kids.

I was open to adopting a dog from a shelter, but preferred a dog from a private home. Often dogs have experienced abandonment, abuse and trauma, and it takes time and patience to help them feel safe and secure. A stable dog from a loving home was a definite advantage.

I came home from shopping to this sight. 🙂

People keep asking why anyone would have given away such a great dog! The answer is, the couple who had him had gotten older and as their physical abilities became more limited, were unable to give him the life they felt he deserved. Neighborhood kids came by to take him out for walks (since the owners couldn’t do it); as much as they wanted to keep him, they felt it wasn’t fair to him to stay in a home with no porch or yard and very limited access to the outdoors.

However, they were very, very attached to him and despite a lot of calls expressing interest, didn’t feel good about any of the people who contacted them. They didn’t want money for him; their priority was that he go to a very good home.

When they met us, they had that same instantaneous feeling of us being a perfect match for what they were looking for, that we felt when we met them. She said a few times, she never dreamed she would find a family like us that was so exactly what they wanted for him, and as hard as it is for them, it gives them a lot of comfort that he will have a wonderful life. Every couple of weeks I send them photos. 🙂

Sheleg accompanies us on outings as well as to our weekly homeschool meetup at the park.

So Sheleg is now a member of the family and has slid into our lives seamlessly. He loves being with us and we’re all enjoying him, too. There’s something very comforting about having such a nice dog around.

Typical – he curls up to us as close as he can get, inside or outside.
One thing I wanted was to encourage physical activity for our younger two boys and walking a dog provides that, though at this point it’s more for Yirmi (7) than Rafael (3).

As far as additional training to track runaway kiddos, Yirmi is thankfully finally at the stage that it’s no longer a concern, and Rafael isn’t yet at that stage. So right now training isn’t something we’re actively pursuing. Especially since we’ll be moving somewhere with a lot more outdoor freedom, we like knowing we potentially have additional help keeping the littlest one from straying too far should we need it. 🙂

Avivah

The day that Rafael was placed in my arms – 3 year anniversary

Today marks the third anniversary of the day that Rafael joined our family.

The foster care protocol was adjusted and bent and changed repeatedly to facilitate his arrival to our family. I shared about when we went to meet him at the hospital, accompanied only by his birth parents.

I didn’t write about the process of actually getting him, though. I shared pictures of his homecoming with all the kids holding him (go back and look again – weren’t they all so sweet?!?), but there were no pictures of me. All I referenced in the post was that it had been very draining. Very.

On the day we got Rafael we had another bending of protocol that added a huge emotional load to the experience for all of us. Instead of us picking him up from the hospital, he was checked out by his birth parents, who then took him to the offices of the foster care organization. It was in that office, accompanied by their social worker, our social worker, the head social worker, that both families finalized the agreement.

Finally the technicalities were completed. All that remained was to physically transfer the baby from them to us.

All that remained. As if that was a minor technicality.

No, it was all the reams of paperwork were the technicalities. The transfer of the baby was the most sensitive and heartwrenching experience.

His birth mother placed him in my arms, her eyes filled with tears. I don’t remember saying anything. What I do clearly remember is that they immediately left the office, and I turned toward the window overlooking the street, unable to speak for the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart.

It was a moment of incredibly heightened emotion. We had so much anticipation of this little baby joining our family, but for me there was no happiness in that moment. In that moment, I saw only the heartbreak of another mother.

Through all the talking and paperwork, the baby slept.

We were told the baby needed to be awake for an extended period before he could be taken home. The ideas was to minimize trauma, so that he didn’t go to sleep on in one place and wake up in another, that there was some kind of preparatory transition for him.

This took quite some time. I don’t remember how long we were there, while the social workers observed us with him – more than two hours, but I don’t remember how much longer.

Not waking up, even after removing his snuggly warm clothing and repeated stimulation of all kinds (social workers in the background).


Moving his legs but still not opening his eyes.
Rafael looking tortured as I persisted in trying to get him to wake up.
“Ooh, look at you gorgeous boy, your eyes are open!” Hardly open, but open.

Once he was finally awake, my husband and I both held and interacted with him for a while.

We were at last allowed to give him a bottle, the final activity before taking him home. We couldn’t feed him sooner because it was likely he would have fallen right back asleep and he needed to be awake for an hour.

When we got home, all his siblings got a very brief chance to hold him. For the following week, he was hardly held by anyone but me. After having multiple caretakers for two months in the hospital, it was critical for him to bond with me and know me as his primary caretaker.

————–

Last week I had a meeting with staff at his school, and they commented that they never would have guessed that he wasn’t really my child.

He really is my child. While I didn’t give birth to him and he doesn’t (yet) legally share my last name, I couldn’t love him a drop more.

Rafael and his mommy, age 3.

I am so deeply, deeply grateful for the opportunity to parent this adorable ball of sunshine. It just keeps getting better.

Avivah

Rafael is 3 – his first haircut

Rafael is now 3! Where has the time gone?!? (If you’re thinking it doesn’t seem like three years to you, it may be because he joined the family when he was two months old. )

We had a family celebration and everyone got a snip at his first haircut. He is a very good-natured and fun little boy; the significant exception was every morning’s screaming session when I brushed his hair, so we are all very happy for him to have short hair now!

Rafael holding his ponytail the day after

My husband put together a repeating video slide show of Rafael that was playing throughout the evening on the computer; it was nice to see all the different stages and memories from the time he came home.

As always, it was SO nice to have all our our children together! After everyone left, my husband and I once again marveled at what a very wonderful group of people they are.

Our daughter in law, oldest daughter and second daughter.

The older boys enjoy singing together (they sung at the chupa of one of their sisters); ds21 playing the guitar while ds17 accompanied him on the harmonica, our oldest son is standing, holding his sister’s baby. Our two sons-in-law were shmoozing together to the left.

It took me two days to look at Rafael with his new haircut and not feel sad that my little baby is gone. He seems so much older all of a sudden! After that I got used to it and now I don’t even notice it anymore!

Avivah