I was upstairs on my porch when I heard loud yelling close by. I peered over my railing and saw a man screaming at my twelve year old son.
Now, you have to know that this son is a really, really good kid. Respectful, helpful, kind. What could someone be angry with him about?
This.
This is a path through agricultural fields – it’s meant to be used only by tractors for planting and harvesting but cars started using it as a shortcut. Yavneel is so small that this shortcut saves them literally about one minute of driving time. It’s bumpy and pitted, not something you’d want to drive on, but people sometimes do.
This morning my son was outside watching his two younger siblings, and the driver of a van coming through the fields from the opposite side encountered these rocks in the path and jumped out of his van. He began yelling; this is when I heard the shouting and came running.
I found my son in tears, moving the rocks aside and when I asked him what happened, he told me the guy screamed at him to clear the path. I told him to stop immediately and then spoke with the very agitated driver.
After a few minutes, he explained he was having a hard morning and apologized for getting so upset (he even tried to hug my son, who absolutely did not want to be touched by him). I told him I was sorry to hear that.
He then said, he’s been using this path for years every single morning and now is upset it’s been blocked. Now, I know this path hasn’t been in use for the last 2.5 months since it’s been blocked since before I moved here, but I also realized at some point it hadn’t been blocked up and he must have been using it before the corona quarantine.
I explained to him that it had been blocked for safety reasons because it’s not a road, and asked him if he would mind terribly to go around instead. I explained that children play here at the end of our block (which is more like a paved path than a street), that I have two young children with special needs and it is so much safer for them not to have cars using this as a shortcut. He quieted down and that’s when my neighbors heard what was happening and came over.
They both told him that this isn’t an official road and he shouldn’t be driving here.
As much as I appreciated the neighborly support and everything they said was said without yelling, this triggered him back into arguing to protect his ego. His demeanor shifted back to yelling. He said angrily, “She (meaning me) asked me nicely and I would stop using this path as a kindness to her, but now you’re telling me I’m not allowed to use this and you’re wrong.”
‘I’m right, you’re wrong.’ This never leads to anything productive. People just get increasingly entrenched in their positions.
To discuss points of disagreement with others, we must 1) be willing to see things through their eyes and 2) recognize how easily what we say can be perceived as a personal attack. It’s not easy to see others with differing viewpoints as well-intended, but there’s no productive conversation possible if you assume the other person is selfish, self-centered, and out to hurt you or your rights.
In the end, I followed him back to his car and said, “Youāre right, it’s not an official road but this path has been used by cars and you’re allowed to drive here also. I’m asking you as a personal favor for the safety of the local children if you would mind going around instead.” He agreed.
Yesterday I drove my seventeen year old son to the bus station. He returned to his yeshiva, this time as a dorming student. Today I’ll take my nineteen year old daughter to the bus station as she moves out and begins a new job in Jerusalem. My husband will be going back to the office in a couple of days. (My twenty-one year old son studies at a very large yeshiva which hasn’t yet reopened so he’s still home.)
It’s been two months with everyone home – my husband and eight of our children – and this time has been incredibly precious to me.
Even when everyone else in the family was home together, my husband was always working and missing out. Now he’s been working from home and has been with us throughout the day, something he and I have dreamed of. It’s literally our ideal life.
Though I’d have preferred to have my three year old at home, as a foster child that option wasn’t available. Thanks to this situation, he’s been home for the last two months and won’t have to go back to school until the beginning of the school year. That’s a six month long reprieve for him and he’s thriving.
All of my children above the age of 10 except for one actively opposed moving. They really, really, really didn’t want to move. They loved living in RBS, they had friends and connections and a sense of belonging. My older three kids expected to be sporadic visitors with no sense of meaningful connection in our new community.
This was a move that none of them saw as benefiting them in any way. It would only make their lives more difficult, as two of our kids living at home would have to find somewhere else to live once we moved, and it would be a long trip whenever they came back home for a visit. A visit to a place where they didn’t want to be, didn’t belong and didn’t connect with.
Covid-19 changed everything for us.
First of all, I didn’t take anyone away from the life they loved by moving here. Corona regulations had already taken it all away before we moved. They couldn’t spend time with friends or participate in any of the activities they enjoyed. They couldn’t even go outside for a walk.
Moving became a solution rather than a problem.
We moved at the most beautiful time of year, with the most perfect weather, to the most beautiful part of the country. Even at the times with the most restrictions, we could be outside in our large yard and the younger kids could play in the fields next to the house.
There was so much to do once we moved, and that work was shared by everyone. This made our move so, so, so much easier, and also created a sense of involvement and connection to our new home.
Synagogues were closed when we moved and people were staying to themselves. My 21 year old son organized a minyan (prayer service) three times a day that met the quarantine guidelines – four of our family members prayed in our backyard, our next door neighbor prayed in his back yard, and the men in the two houses behind us prayed from their front yards and porches – everyone in their own space and at the same time, everyone together.
These were all people who usually would pray in different synagogues and not have mutual meeting points. Our older boys and my husband had a chance to meet neighbors they would have hardly seen otherwise. As the restrictions eased, the rest of us have gotten to know our immediate neighbors, too. It’s been over twenty years since I felt this connected to my neighbors – ironic, at a time of social distancing to feel so connected, isn’t it?
As a family, we have never had the level of relaxed connection and time together that we experienced during the last two months. Not even when I was homeschooling nine children at once. The time together was enhanced by the fact that there was nowhere else to be. This allowed everyone to relax and be present in the moment, without the urgency of needing/wanting to be somewhere else. It was a rare opportunity to us all to experience this inner quiet simultaneously for an extended period.
What do our children think about us moving now? Everything has been so much better than any of us expected. They not only like it a lot, but think it was a great decision to move here! That’s pretty amazing considering their feelings before we came.
In the last few weeks things have gradually been reopening and that’s a good thing. That’s a very, very good thing.
At the same time, I feel so wistful and almost sad that this time is ending. This has been an incredibly valuable and beautiful time that could not have been more perfectly scripted for our family. I hope we can find ways to continue to create this feeling as the busyness of life resumes.
As our older kids are starting to move out, it’s a comfort that this new place has become a place where they belong, a home where they’ll want to come back to.
My family was discussing what aspects of this quarantine period they appreciate, and here is some of what they shared:
no rushing, being able to go at a more relaxed pace
enjoying being at home and participating instead of feeling there’s something else you’d rather be doing and resenting being asked to help out
family meals three times a day
working together on projects
being more patient and kind to your siblings
my husband working from home
no need to get the younger boys to school and from school and therapies
Having moved a month ago and having a bigger space has been a nice plus, but everyone felt we would have done just fine if we had stayed where we were, too. Some things would have been different, but we would have still enjoyed being together.
It takes time to learn to be together around the clock. Lots of families are feeling very challenged by this, and it’s okay to not love it and it’s okay to want it to be over.
But it’s also an opportunity many families are enjoying. One father told my son, “I realized I never knew who my kids were, and now I’m getting to know them.” There’s now a global opportunity to experience a deeper level of connection with our families.
If you’re struggling, realize you can make your thoughts work for you by shifting perspectives. There are plenty of negatives that we can all find and if you focus on that, it’s going to be hard! Being able to view this time as a positive opportunity is the first step to opening the door to a more positive and enjoyable experience.
For me, the togetherness and being able to make our own schedule has always been the best part of homeschooling, and I’m really loving having that again!
Since moving a week and a half ago, we’ve been super busy. The days are full, but as busy as we’ve been, it’s been enjoyable and we haven’t felt rushed.
In addition to rebuilding closets, unpacking and settling in, here’s some more that we’ve been up to.
Clearing junk – First of all, we needed to clear out the large amount of junk that was left behind. Though this shouldn’t have been left for us to deal with, we appreciated the seller let us move in before the sale was complete, and considered this the price for our early move. It was a lot of stuff and definitely a task of its own.
The bulk trash pickup system here is very different than what I was used to in a city! After piling it near the driveway, I had to call someone who works for the municipality to come and pick it up. It took a few days but at 8 am one morning, there was a knock on my door and there was the guy for the bulk pickup, telling me to send out someone to load the stuff onto his tractor.
I went out to see a trailer hooked up to his tractor, and a few of the boys ran out to load it up. It was great to get all that trash out and have a fresh slate to get working!
Pergolas – Even though there is plenty to do inside, we decided our first big project would be building a pergola. Right now the weather is so beautiful and working outside is a pleasure – that won’t be the case for much longer! We have a very sunny exposure and it gets incredibly hot here in the summer. Having a pergola will provide us with a shaded outdoor area for playing and hanging out, so we can enjoy the outdoors rather than escaping inside to the a/c.
I wanted to build a large pergola on the front of the house and a smaller pergola on the side, to create two different areas for relaxing and playing.
Ds21 is not only highly competent, he’s a really good team leader. He had all of the other kids (except ds3) involved in moving lumber from the end of our walkway where the delivery truck left it, and then painting all of it.
Painting boards – dd19, ds17, ds14; ds21 and ds7 the foreground
For the actual building, he instructed ds14, ds12 and ds17 so they were learning as they went along (dd19 and dd23 were very involved in building our last pergola in RBS). I really appreciate them having the opportunity to learn real life skills. Working on a project like this builds competence as well as confidence.
Ds12 using the jigsaw to cut the decorative designs on the ends of the boards Night activity at the Werners – ds12 and ds21 on ladder drilling in ledger boards to houseRaising the first beam – from left to right, ds21, ds17, ds12 and ds14 on ladder. Ds14 using circular saw to trim boards downThe large pergola on the front of the house, finished! The smaller pergola on the side of the house, finished except for attaching monkey bars.
Gate – The yard has a wall around most of it, with an opening in the front and back. I have two young children and a dog who I’d like to let run freely in our garden without worrying they’re going somewhere they shouldn’t. Ds21 and ds14 built a gate and a small fence next to it, to make our space safer for them.
The entrance to our yard, before. The gate and small fence next to it, where the wall is low enough for a child to easily climb over.
Chickens/duck research – the yard is a huge overgrown space, filled with tall weeds. I’ve been thinking a lot about getting chickens, since they are the ultimate composting/tilling machines They are super practical! However, I’m strongly drawn to ducks (they are so cute and entertaining!!), even though they aren’t as efficient when it comes to eating leftovers.
I found a seller of the breed of ducks I’m interested in, but due to the lockdown situation I’m not able to pick them up. So I’m deliberating about getting chickens locally in the meantime or waiting a while to add any livestock to our mini-homestead. š
I’ve also been thinking about putting in fruit trees. I would love to get them into the ground before Pesach and prepared my order to call it into the nursery, which delivers. Realistically with all that we have to do in the house and getting ready for Pesach (haven’t even started getting the kitchen ready!), it’s too much to add a project like this in the next two days.
I was ready to push to get it done until I realized there is no external faucet for the garden. Not only no faucet, but no plumbing was laid to connect us to the main water source (there’s different water for gardens) from the municipality. How in the world do you build a house with a large garden and not build the infrastructure to connect to the water system?!? It seems we have to contact the water company to find out what’s involved in getting pipes laid and hooked up and since I haven’t yet done that (I’ve been plenty busy with other things!), I have no idea what that entails in terms of cost or time.
Planting the trees without having a watering system in place is going to be much more work than I’m ready for, so as much as I would love to get them in now while it’s still cool and wet, I’m reluctantly going to have to wait.
I’ve been doing lots of weed pulling, and started putting in landscaping plants along with some vegetable plants. I love waking up early and working in the garden while everyone else is still sleeping. I love it!! When I’m gardening I enjoy it so much that I don’t realize how much work it is, but now I’m stiff and sore from the unexpected workouts!
This partially buried piping was obstructing our walkway entrance. Once I got started digging the pipe out, I decided to plant some succulents that will fill in nicely with time and require minimal care.
Painting – Last year a leak from the porch upstairs had caused unsightly peeling paint on the ceiling below in several places. Immediately after signing on the home in the fall we had the core issue fixed so there is no new water damage despite the extensive rains this year, but we still had to deal with the remaining cosmetic damage.
We scraped down the ceiling, spackled it, resanded it, painted it and now it looks so good! We have lots more painting to do – the main floor is mostly okay but the upstairs is in serious need of painting in every single room. That’s going to be a big project since the people before us stuck up some adhesive fake brick stuff in the main area that we’re going to have to take down, then do lots of spackling and sanding before we get to the point we can paint it. That will definitely not happen before Pesach!
I wanted to have the colors of the ocean for the living room, so I chose pale sand and pale teal paint colors. Due to the lockdown I ordered the colors from my computer instead of going in person. Unfortunately, things look different on a screen, so I now have a light blue instead of teal! It looks nice, though quite different than what I was envisioning.
The boys painted one bedroom upstairs, and hopefully will do another couple of rooms today.
We still have lots of unpacking and organizing to do, which is impeded by not being able to buy the furniture we’re missing. If I would buy new, I could have it delivered but it still wouldn’t have been here before Pesach, and in any case that’s not what I budgeted for. So I’ll have to wait until the restrictions are lifted to buy from private sellers; for now, I’ve made a makeshift closet for my room by stacking several sturdy boxes on top of each other. It’s not beautiful but it’s better than unpacked boxes all over the floor!
Dog grooming – Our dog loves running through the grassy fields surrounding our home! This has created a new topic for us to learn about – ticks. š To make it easier to see if something attached to him, ds17 gave Sheleg a haircut – it doesn’t look professional but considering it was his first time, he did a great job! It’s much more functional. We’ve all gotten a quickie course in recognizing and removing ticks. Fun times.
There’s so much to do, and it’s so nice being able to do this together, with everyone is home.
And today, I’m going to get started on getting my kitchen ready for Pesach!
People tell me that things change quickly in our family, and I suppose that’s true. I seem like I make decisions fast and act on them quickly. And that’s true! However, what people can’t know if that I spend a lot of time thinking about things and researching prior to taking action.
Months ago when we talked to our kids about moving to northern Israel, one son was very unhappy about the idea. He asked if he could get a dog if we moved, and to ‘sweeten the deal’ for him, I said I would seriously consider it. Time went on and he realized that he’ll be too busy with school to be around much, so he retracted his request.
But I had already begun exploring the idea and saw the different ways that having a dog could be valuable for our family, particularly our youngest two. The more I thought about it, the better an idea it seemed to be. I’m a believer in integrating beneficial activities rather than turning them into stand alone therapy, and some positive benefits of pet therapy are a natural part of pet ownership. Responsibility is great, but my kids can learn that without a pet – but the calm and connection of a pet are wonderful!
For months I’ve been reading descriptions of dogs needing adoptive homes on various Facebook groups, but I didn’t speak to my husband until the week we ended up bringing our dog home. When I presented the idea, he agreed it sounded interesting – once we moved to our bigger house with a bigger yard.
One of the ideas I considered was fostering a dog for a few months as a trial for pet ownership. Another idea was buying a trained service dog that didn’t pass the test (available to those with special needs at a very, very reduced price). I liked that idea a lot, but the waiting list was six months long and closed when I called.
Then I thought about our needs, and realized that I really didn’t need a service dog. What I wanted was a friendly, calm, quiet and intelligent dog that could be trained to track our younger two children if necessary. (I haven’t really shared here about the challenges involved when a child loves to explore on his own and escapes every chance he has…this is a very common issue for kids with T21 and I am SO grateful that when Yirmi turned 7 this finally stopped being the serious ongoing concern it was for years.)
Though I think puppies are incredibly adorable, I had no interest in training a puppy (toilet training my kids is my least favorite parenting activity), which is a significant time investment. I wanted an adult dog that was already housebroken and whose basic personality was already known.
I had just left for a two day women’s trip away when I saw a particular dog listed whose description caught my eye. However, I didn’t contact them because I had no time to take the kids to meet a dog. And anyway, I had just brought up the idea with my husband a couple of days before.
However, when I saw the same dog posted on the morning after I returned, I noticed there was a good bit of interest in this particular dog, and thought I should at least call. So I did. At 1 pm Friday afternoon she called back.
After our conversation, I strongly felt he was potentially a great match for us, so at 1:30 on Friday afternoon, I spontaneously announced a family trip to Tel Aviv! This was a bit of a surprise to them all since I had only a few days earlier in the week casually mentioned the idea of getting a dog. By going at this time, I was able to take my husband and the five youngest boys (who are rarely all available at once), and off we went.
Within less than a minute of meeting the dog, everyone was clear – this was the right dog for our family! Even the kids who were lukewarm to begin were enthusiastic after meeting him. Shabbos began that week at 4:15, Tel Aviv was an hour drive away and it was a very rainy day, leading to a longer trip than usual. We got back home just 15 minutes before Shabbos but all agreed the spontaneous trip was very valuable. It’s one thing to theoretically discuss something; it’s completely a different discussion when everyone knows the specifics.
The morning of the first walk.
Shabbos was filled with lots of talk about how excited they were to get Sheleg (translation: Snowy, because it was snowing when he was born). We bypassed the time constraints of my busy week to come by returning to Tel Aviv on Saturday night to pick him up.
Don’t you love that blissful smile as Yirmi snuggles with Sheleg?
Just like that, we are now a dog family! It’s funny how things can happen so quickly but just feel right. Everyone agrees, he fits our family perfectly.
Enjoying a warm spring day together.
After seeing so many dogs listed, what appealed to me particularly about this dog? First of all, the breed. I was specifically looking for a labrador or golden retriever, because of their friendly, calm temperament and intelligence. Sheleg is a golden retriever (according to his paperwork from the vet, but I think he must be a mix because he’s smaller than the typical golden retriever). A huge plus for me was that he had been raised with a family who had previously run a home daycare. They were wonderfully responsible and loving owners, and he is a very calm dog who is used to being around kids.
I was open to adopting a dog from a shelter, but preferred a dog from a private home. Often dogs have experienced abandonment, abuse and trauma, and it takes time and patience to help them feel safe and secure. A stable dog from a loving home was a definite advantage.
I came home from shopping to this sight. š
People keep asking why anyone would have given away such a great dog! The answer is, the couple who had him had gotten older and as their physical abilities became more limited, were unable to give him the life they felt he deserved. Neighborhood kids came by to take him out for walks (since the owners couldn’t do it); as much as they wanted to keep him, they felt it wasn’t fair to him to stay in a home with no porch or yard and very limited access to the outdoors.
However, they were very, very attached to him and despite a lot of calls expressing interest, didn’t feel good about any of the people who contacted them. They didn’t want money for him; their priority was that he go to a very good home.
When they met us, they had that same instantaneous feeling of us being a perfect match for what they were looking for, that we felt when we met them. She said a few times, she never dreamed she would find a family like us that was so exactly what they wanted for him, and as hard as it is for them, it gives them a lot of comfort that he will have a wonderful life. Every couple of weeks I send them photos. š
Sheleg accompanies us on outings as well as to our weekly homeschool meetup at the park.
So Sheleg is now a member of the family and has slid into our lives seamlessly. He loves being with us and we’re all enjoying him, too. There’s something very comforting about having such a nice dog around.
Typical – he curls up to us as close as he can get, inside or outside. One thing I wanted was to encourage physical activity for our younger two boys and walking a dog provides that, though at this point it’s more for Yirmi (7) than Rafael (3).
As far as additional training to track runaway kiddos, Yirmi is thankfully finally at the stage that it’s no longer a concern, and Rafael isn’t yet at that stage. So right now training isn’t something we’re actively pursuing. Especially since we’ll be moving somewhere with a lot more outdoor freedom, we like knowing we potentially have additional help keeping the littlest one from straying too far should we need it. š
Today marks the third anniversary of the day that Rafael joined our family.
The foster care protocol was adjusted and bent and changed repeatedly to facilitate his arrival to our family. I shared about when we went to meet him at the hospital, accompanied only by his birth parents.
I didn’t write about the process of actually getting him, though. I shared pictures of his homecoming with all the kids holding him (go back and look again – weren’t they all so sweet?!?), but there were no pictures of me. All I referenced in the post was that it had been very draining. Very.
On the day we got Rafael we had another bending of protocol that added a huge emotional load to the experience for all of us. Instead of us picking him up from the hospital, he was checked out by his birth parents, who then took him to the offices of the foster care organization. It was in that office, accompanied by their social worker, our social worker, the head social worker, that both families finalized the agreement.
Finally the technicalities were completed. All that remained was to physically transfer the baby from them to us.
All that remained. As if that was a minor technicality.
No, it was all the reams of paperwork were the technicalities. The transfer of the baby was the most sensitive and heartwrenching experience.
His birth mother placed him in my arms, her eyes filled with tears. I don’t remember saying anything. What I do clearly remember is that they immediately left the office, and I turned toward the window overlooking the street, unable to speak for the tears in my eyes and the pain in my heart.
It was a moment of incredibly heightened emotion. We had so much anticipation of this little baby joining our family, but for me there was no happiness in that moment. In that moment, I saw only the heartbreak of another mother.
Through all the talking and paperwork, the baby slept.
We were told the baby needed to be awake for an extended period before he could be taken home. The ideas was to minimize trauma, so that he didn’t go to sleep on in one place and wake up in another, that there was some kind of preparatory transition for him.
This took quite some time. I don’t remember how long we were there, while the social workers observed us with him – more than two hours, but I don’t remember how much longer.
Not waking up, even after removing his snuggly warm clothing and repeated stimulation of all kinds (social workers in the background).
Moving his legs but still not opening his eyes. Rafael looking tortured as I persisted in trying to get him to wake up. “Ooh, look at you gorgeous boy, your eyes are open!” Hardly open, but open.
Once he was finally awake, my husband and I both held and interacted with him for a while.
We were at last allowed to give him a bottle, the final activity before taking him home. We couldn’t feed him sooner because it was likely he would have fallen right back asleep and he needed to be awake for an hour.
When we got home, all his siblings got a very brief chance to hold him. For the following week, he was hardly held by anyone but me. After having multiple caretakers for two months in the hospital, it was critical for him to bond with me and know me as his primary caretaker.
————–
Last week I had a meeting with staff at his school, and they commented that they never would have guessed that he wasn’t really my child.
He really is my child. While I didn’t give birth to him and he doesn’t (yet) legally share my last name, I couldn’t love him a drop more.
Rafael and his mommy, age 3.
I am so deeply, deeply grateful for the opportunity to parent this adorable ball of sunshine. It just keeps getting better.
Rafael is now 3! Where has the time gone?!? (If you’re thinking it doesn’t seem like three years to you, it may be because he joined the family when he was two months old. )
We had a family celebration and everyone got a snip at his first haircut. He is a very good-natured and fun little boy; the significant exception was every morning’s screaming session when I brushed his hair, so we are all very happy for him to have short hair now!
Rafael holding his ponytail the day after
My husband put together a repeating video slide show of Rafael that was playing throughout the evening on the computer; it was nice to see all the different stages and memories from the time he came home.
As always, it was SO nice to have all our our children together! After everyone left, my husband and I once again marveled at what a very wonderful group of people they are.
Our daughter in law, oldest daughter and second daughter. The older boys enjoy singing together (they sung at the chupa of one of their sisters); ds21 playing the guitar while ds17 accompanied him on the harmonica, our oldest son is standing, holding his sister’s baby. Our two sons-in-law were shmoozing together to the left.
It took me two days to look at Rafael with his new haircut and not feel sad that my little baby is gone. He seems so much older all of a sudden! After that I got used to it and now I don’t even notice it anymore!
I first discovered the song I Love Myself The Way I Am by Jai Joseph when I was hospitalized with burns to my entire face over five years ago. I listened to it a lot when I was in the hospital; I needed to hear these messages of loving myself as I was, at a time that I didn’t know if I would ever look normal again. (I shared the lyrics of the two stanzas that were especially powerful for me at the end of the post I wrote when I left the hospital.)
However, I didn’t continue to listen to it regularly, and when I recently rediscovered it, it was like finding a familiar wise friend.
The messages in these simple lyrics are so powerful and affirming. In the second stanza he succinctly sums up a concept I speak about a lot with clients and in my workshops.
“I love you the way you are thereās nothing you need to do When I feel the love inside myself itās easy to love you Behind your fears, your rage and tears I see your shining star And I love you just the way you are.” (Jai Josephs)
In the last five years, I’ve done a lot of inner work focusing on self-love, and have experienced that when we can accept ourselves with all of our imperfections, this naturally filters into our relationships with our children (and everyone else in our lives). In every interaction we are always reflecting to others who we are, and the more forgiving you are to yourself, the more natural it is to be forgiving of your child. Since managing our own emotions are the hardest part of parenting, the more work of this sort a parent does, the easier parenting becomes.
While it’s valuable to do this kind of work, it doesn’t negate the need for something more in the most challenging moments! Often parents ask me how they can possibly be loving to a child who is acting in unloveable ways. How can you get past the frustration of the moment in order to feel your love for him, to communicate from a place of acceptance for who your child is?
The answer is to look beyond the behavior (remember, this is just communication) of the moment and reconnect with your love for him by appreciating the beautiful person he is at his core, to ‘see his shining star‘.
Yes, he has his challenges and unquestionably those are challenging for you to navigate, too. But if you can do this, you will begin to realize that this is the deepest, most powerful and effective thing you can do to positively impact your child’s behavior – even though on the outside it may not look like you’re addressing the behavior at all in the moment.
(It’s hard to shift to this approach because we want to feel like we’re activelydoing something to change the situation. But trying to control or manipulate the child’s behavior is counterproductive.)
We live in a world that is constantly projecting messages that focus on consumerism and competition; this song is a helpful reminder for me of the responses I strive for.
It’s that time of year when there are the yearly payments to cover my website expenses, so I do a bit of online juggling to make sure money is in the right places for the various automatic withdrawals. Tonight I got a message in my email inbox, notifying me know that the transfer I had made from my bank to my Paypal account didn’t go through due to lack of funds.
I was taken aback since there was plenty of money in the transferring account so I quickly logged onto my bank account and saw that I had mistakenly done the transfer from one of my two accounts (one is savings, one is checking). Though the accounts are linked, rather than automatically transfer the necessary funds from one account to the other, the transfer was denied.
I didn’t mind that, but I did mind that I was charged a $29 non-sufficient funds fee for the transfer that didn’t go through. I didn’t think that I should be charged for a failed transfer from one of my accounts to another. I called my bank to explain what happened; the representative very courteously heard me out and said she understood. (She can also look at my 13 years of banking history at their bank and see that I don’t have a history of insufficient funds fees – if I don’t have money for something, I don’t buy it. My secret for staying debt-free. :))
Then she asked me a very interesting question: “Well, Ms. Werner, what would you like us to do about this fee?” Isn’t that a nice response?
I told her I wanted the $29 fee waived; she agreed that would be appropriate and she would take care of it while I was on the phone.
Well, that was easy!
While I waited for two minutes for her to refund the fee, I explained to my son who was impatiently waiting to know what I was talking to her about what happened. I explained that it’s our responsibility to be aware of what happens to our money. No one cares what happens to your finances like you do.
Was it worth the few minutes on the phone to get $29/110 shekels refunded? Yes, I thought so!
Similarly, I check my receipts before leaving the store when I shop – I have found so many errors and almost none of them were favorable to me. (Of course, I notified them when I was undercharged as well.)
After a year of doing the technical things necessary, we finally were authorized for hearing aids for Yirmi!
Yirmi is now 7. A year ago a hearing test showed he had a mild hearing loss, which I was told was significant and needed to be addressed immediately. This was the same loss he had shown when tested at age 4, but I was told at that time that there was nothing we needed to do but continue regular hearing tests.
When I realized that Yirmi should have had hearing aidsĀ from a young ageĀ and has been working hard to compensate for hearing loss all these years, I was filled with self-recrimination. So what if they told me it wasn’t a problem? Why didn’t I research it myself? How could I not have realized there was an issue? I know how important hearing is to cognition and function, I know hearing should be regularly tested. How could I haveĀ been so oblivious and dropped the ball on this??
Did I blame the hearing test place for bad advice? Did I blame the speech therapists or ENT for not catching this? Nope. Just me.
After way too long feeling lousy about this, I finally had to tell myself: I did the best I could.
Because I really did.
(We’re still in process with this so it will probably be at least another couple of months before he is wearing them regularly.)
—————————
Yirmi doesn’t reliably walk distances, which I’ve been attributing to me using a stroller for him for too long when he was younger. So with Rafael (now 2 3/4 yr), I’m doing things differently and encouraging a lot of walking, which is what IĀ tell myself I should have done with Yirmi (did you catch that dangerous word, ‘should’ there?!).
And then I had two flashes of insight that helped me toĀ forgive myself for being fallible:
1) When Yirmi was little, every time I went out I either had three little boys along with me, eagerly pulling me to our destination or I had them waiting at home with an older sibling watching them and needed to get back as quickly as possible. I didn’t have the luxury of letting a very little toddler wander here and there, I couldn’t wait him out when he sat down and wouldn’t get up. I took him out often and regularly (we went to the park just about every day), but his running around was done at the destination, not on the way there or back.
Can I accept that I wasĀ a very busy mother of 10 children who was doing all that I could, trying to meet everyone’s needs? Can it be okay that I couldn’t do everything for everyone to the maximum all the time? Can I even – gasp – be appreciative for all the things that I did do?
2) I’d been assuming the reason Yirmi doesn’t consistently walk placesĀ is because I didn’t walk with him enough at an earlier age. And then I suddenly realized, he has trouble with transitions regardless of if it involves walking or not!!! For over two years I’ve been holding myself responsible for this challenge when it’s very possibleĀ it wouldn’t be any different even if I had done lots of walking with him.
I have an awesome 7 year old who happens to have Trisomy 21 who is doing extremely well by any measure, and it’s fair to say that is in large part due to my efforts. Yet here I was feeling inadequate and self-condemnatory rather than focusing on my overall success!
Why am I sharing these two examples with you?
I’ve noticed in conversations with clients and friends that most of youĀ are doing exactly the same thing – you ignore and overlook the many, many things you do well, andĀ focus instead on your perceived mistakes.
Then you beat yourself up rather than crediting yourselves for all that you’ve done well!
I think we all have some reframing to do!
When you catch yourself feeling bad about some aspect of your parenting, just stop.
Remind yourself that you are doing the best that you can.
You’ve always done the best you can.
The fact that you may know better now doesn’t mean that you should have known more then.
There’s nothing more you could have done at that time or you would have done it.
This isn’t a justification to make you feel better.Ā This is the deepest truth.
That doesn’t mean that there aren’t things you wish you did differently! Yes, it would have been nice if you had more knowledge, more support, more resources. But you didn’t and you couldn’t have done more than you did.
There are always going to be mistakes and missteps, and that’s okay. It’s not fun and it’s not easy, but it’s a fact of life.
Oh, you wish your kids didn’t have to suffer through your mistakes? Well, we all wish that. But that’sĀ not realistic and it’s not fair to expect of yourself. Squandering your precious life energy feeling badly about yourself is stealing some of the energy you can use to make today what you want it to be.
You are enough, as you are right now. You do enough, whatever you are doing now.Ā
I have an awesome 7 year old who happens to have Trisomy 21 who is doing extremely well by any measure, and it’s fair to say that is in large part due to my efforts. Yet here I was feeling inadequate and self-condemnatory rather than focusing on my overall success!
That doesn’t mean that there aren’t things you wish you did differently! Yes, it would have been nice if you had more knowledge, more support, more resources. But you didn’t and you couldn’t have done more than you did.