Category Archives: parenting

Making gratitude and forgiveness a daily habit

July 27, 2015homemaking, marriage, parenting, personal developmentahavas chinam, how to forgiveAvivah

Lately there has been a lot of focus on the importance of healing our world through love for others.

Last night we were discussing why this love was so important and also why it is so challenging. I believe it’s because our generation struggles on a massive scale with lack of self-knowledge and self-love, and you can’t love others when you don’t love yourself.

The following process that I’m going to share with you is one that has helped me to be more loving toward myself and others.

1) Gratitude list – First thing in the morning you write five things you’re grateful for.

I’ve been writing gratitude lists for over twenty years on a regular basis and this is a wonderful practice for keeping your mind in a good place. There are so many wonderful things even on the worst day but you don’t notice them unless you make a habit of it.

Learning to recognize the good makes life much more easier and more enjoyable.

2) Forgiveness list – Next you write down five people/things/situations you forgive; it can be for something small or big. I determine what goes on the list based on my feelings of resentment. It doesn’t matter how minor these resentments are; if I keep them inside they’re toxic to me and I need to practice forgiveness for every single one.

Don’t say you don’t have resentments; we all do but we often bury them inside and don’t recognize them for what they are. I used to think as a pretty positive person that didn’t have many resentments. That was until I learned to recognize those twinges of frustration, irritation and upset for what they were! Resentments. Get the resentments out of you and down on paper.

Sometimes I put people down repeatedly on my forgiveness list because if I feel resentment or tension when I think of them after having put them on a prior list, I know I still have negative energy to release. Sometimes I need to put myself down on the list – to forgive myself for not doing something in the way I wanted to do it. I think we all have to forgive ourselves for being imperfect in the many ways we tell ourselves we’re not enough.

3) After you write these two lists, read your forgiveness list out loud to yourself.

4) Then you read your gratitude list out loud.

5) Finally, follow the reading of these lists with an enthusiastic verbal declaration, “And that’s why I’m having/going to have a great day!”

This process starts your day by focusing on the good, releasing the negative and giving your mind a powerful message of positivity.

What I’m experiencing as a result of this daily practice is that I’m moving through irritations much faster, even before actively releasing them the next morning! For example, a few days ago I was loading my groceries into the taxi to go home. When I had loaded half the groceries in the car (it was half of a full shopping cart), the driver informed me he was going to charge me extra above the set fee since I had more than one shopping cart. I told him I had just one cart and that the cart next to mine was someone else’s but he started yelling at me that I had two. So I unloaded all my things and got a different taxi to take me home.

By the time I was driving away from this scene with taxi driver no. 2, I was already thinking, “I’m going to put this driver (and the driver of the taxi in front of me that yelled at someone with young children for not getting in fast enough) on my forgiveness list tomorrow” and it took away so much negative emotion. It’s empowering to have a tool to actively let go of negativity toward someone/something.

This technique is so simple but very powerful – I highly recommend it if you want to become a happier, more peaceful and more appreciative person. (If you try this, I’d love to hear what your experience is after a couple of weeks.)

When it comes to feeling love for others – it’s so much easier to feel positively towards others when you make appreciating and forgiving them a regular part of your life.

Avivah

What are your biggest summertime challenges?

July 23, 2015parentingAvivah

I’m going to be speaking in the next week on, “Transforming Summer Challenges into Opportunities”, and I want your feedback!

What do you find to be the biggest challenges of the summertime? I’d love if you could detail in the comments box about why this is a challenge. I want to tailor my talk to the things I hear people struggling with most often. If you’re not struggling but you’ve heard common threads with your friends, please share!

For those in Israel who asked about details of where/when I’ll be speaking in the next couple of weeks, here’s a list:

– Yavniel – Monday July 27, -11 a m – 1 pm – “Transforming Summer Challenges into Opportunities”, presentation followed by a question and answer session. I hope to leave additional time to answer questions one on one. This talk will have a parenting focus but not focus exclusively on parenting, will be addressing concerns of women of various ages.

– Tzfat -Monday, July 27, 8 – 9:30 pm: “Transforming Summer Challenges into Opportunities”. This talk will have a parenting focus for mothers of school age children and below.

– Ramat Beit Shemesh, Aug. 1, 4:45 pm: Shabbos Nachamu parsha shiur, Nachal Noam 12/1. Spiritual lessons with day to day relevance based on the weekly Torah portion; specific topic to be announced.

– Ramat Beit Shemesh, Aug. 9, 8 – 10 pm: “The Truth About How Kids Learn”. This talk will be geared toward those interested in learning more about homeschooling, with an extended question and answer session to follow. Nahar Hayarkon 22/4

I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts – thanks for your help!

Avivah

A kosher phone or not a kosher phone, that really isn’t the question

July 20, 2015aliyah, parenting, personal developmentAvivah

Last year I decided to join the twentieth century and got a cell phone. Yes, I realize I’m about twenty years behind everyone else. 🙂 I resisted because I didn’t want to be on call all the time and try to limit my usage of technology because of my concerns about how it’s encroaching on our lives societally.

Anyway, the time had come that I needed unlimited long distance calling and I could get that affordably with a particular cell phone plan. I was given a choice of a kosher or non-kosher line (a kosher phone is one that can’t access the internet) and chose a kosher phone. I have no need for anything more than the most basic phone so this worked for me.

Fast forward a year and we moved to Ramat Beit Shemesh. When we got here, I had terrible reception with my cell phone provider. After two months of not being able to make it work, we were happy to finally find another cell phone provider that had good coverage in our area and also had an unlimited long distance plan (the most important criteria for me since I call overseas daily). But it didn’t offer a kosher phone option. It didn’t really make a difference to me since I have a simple phone that isn’t capable of accessing the internet and don’t want anything more, so I got the non-kosher option.

Today dd and I met with a principal of a high school (yet another one!) we’re considering and after we finished went down to speak to the secretary to schedule the follow-up interview. The secretary asked what my phone number was. I started telling her the number, and she exclaimed, “It’s not a kosher number?!” (There’s a one digit difference in numbers that are kosher or not.)

I told her that I had a kosher phone until recently but changed because of a lack of coverage where I lived, at which point I was abruptly cut off and told that of course there’s coverage in my area, that it’s a big problem that I have a nonkosher phone since parents in that school aren’t allowed to have them. (This school has a strict policy on technology usage as they don’t want a home environment that conflicts with values and attitudes they want to convey.)

I felt bothered that she was implying I was lying or making excuses or whatever negative thoughts she was having about me, but told her of course I would switch to a kosher phone if that was the school rule but right now this is the number I have. She responded in a way that felt hostile and judgmental to me.

I left, fuming inside, and by the time I got to the bus stop a two minute walk from the school I was ready to call and cancel the follow up meeting for the next day. No way would I send my daughter to a school where a secretary spoke to me in that disrespectful way and dared to judge me by the number of my cell phone.

But then I started thinking, what do I stand for and what do I really want? Is this really a deal breaker or is my ego getting in the way? I don’t have a philosophical issue with having a kosher phone or not since I use the phone the same way regardless. I knew this school had rules that were more stringent than what I would personally choose but chose to look into it further because in many ways it’s the best fit for my daughter. In some ways it’s not. Every institution is going to have something I don’t like about it and the spirit behind the rules is in line with the spirit I try to raise my children with.

But the interaction I had was unpleasant for me.

I thought about this issue and what it represented to me from all angles, and determined that I was letting my ego get the better of me. I don’t know why the secretary reacted as she did rather than politely notify me what the school policy on this was but it was a mistake for me to assume that she was judging me. It felt that way to me but feelings aren’t always facts and it’s presumptuous for me to think I know what goes on in someone else’s mind.

But I do know what goes on in my own mind. It’s so easy to get stuck in ego and convince ourselves that it’s about the principle of the matter! This is why I had to think so much about this, to clarify what this interaction of less than five minutes was honestly about for me.

You know what? It wasn’t about the cell phone policy. It was about me being resentful that I was judged unfairly.

Fear of judgment and ego. A bad combination to make decisions from.

I didn’t cancel the next interview, so dd will continue the interview and testing process. Perhaps she’ll be accepted, maybe not. Maybe she’ll be accepted and decide she would rather attend a different school, maybe not. I’m open to accepting whatever the outcome is, because I’m taking my ego out of the driver’s seat of my decision making and leaving the final result up to G-d.

Avivah

All Lives Matter – Karen Gaffney

July 15, 2015parenting, Trisomy 21Avivah

Earlier this year a friend told me she cried when she found out that Yirmiyahu had Down syndrome. I asked her why? After all, I didn’t cry. “Because it was so hard.”

That’s what I would have thought before I learned about Trisomy 21, too, but it’s not the reality. That’s a perspective based on very limited information that isn’t globally applicable. No, I don’t have the amazingly sunny personality that enables me to see bad things as good things – I’m a very realistic person. Reality is what a friend of mine with a daughter with T21 told me several years before Yirmiyahu was born: “Down syndrome is just not that big a deal.”

I know it’s hard to believe. Yes, people with Trisomy 21 do have challenges but they also are capable of far more than what is generally assumed to be true. Learning this as a mother of a very new infant with T21 gave me an entirely different perspective and vision.

Below is a talk by T21 advocate Karen Gaffney. Karen herself has T21. Hearing Karen speak is such an encouragement to me and in the TED talk below I think you’ll also appreciate what she has to say.

Avivah

A radical parenting concept – stop trying to control your kids!

July 10, 2015parentingAvivah

Today I had several conversations about the long term dangers of using control as an educational/motivational method – one with a young adult in the midst of experiencing this, one with the parent of high school aged daughters, and one with the mother of a nineteen year old who is choosing a different life path than his parents.

Control is when someone tries to impose his will upon someone else to get a desired outcome. It’s very commonly used and sadly, is too commonly taught to parents.

Trying to control your child is an approach to human interactions that makes behavior more important than relationship and works against a child’s best interests in a number of ways. It undermines the development of intrinsic motivation by suppressing a sense of competence and autonomy.

In simple words, you take away a person’s desire to act in the way you want without you being on top of them. When you try to control someone, they react by either resentfully submitting to your will or with visible defiance.

I’m going to be speaking in various locations in the coming weeks and while the specifics of each talk will vary somewhat, the common thread underlying each presentation will be the discussion of the most important factors in raising/educating a child. (**I have an opening to speak in Tzfat on July 27 or 28 – if this is something you would like to help set up, please be in touch with me!**)

Too often, parents and teachers want to know how to get a child to behave, but they don’t realize that they need to approach a child in a way that support his long term growth. This is unfamiliar to many of us and we resort to what we already know, using techniques that seem to give us fast and good results. But short cuts in parenting almost always backfire and create long term detours.

The most effective thing a parent can do is take time to learn how to support a child, how to connect with him and how to appropriately create healthy boundaries. It’s not easy but it’s worth the time spent learning and applying a new paradigm to get real results that will last a lifetime.

Avivah

Guess who’s turning three?!

July 4, 2015parenting, Trisomy 21Avivah

Guess who’s turning three?

Close your eyes and guess!

Can it be?

There are a lot of words the doctors used when they told us about Yirmiyahu’s Trisomy 21 diagnosis.

Most of them were sad. And depressing. And limiting.

There wasn’t one word that intimated to how our lives would be enriched. Not one hint that he would be smart, capable and personable.

There was just one thing I remember them saying that was accurate: “How your child develops depends very much on how much you invest in him.”

Do you know what it means to invest in your child?

Love him as every other child.

Include him as every other child.

Believe in him as any other child.

Did we ever guess what joy was going to become a daily part of our life when this little boy was born?

Even if they had told us we wouldn’t have believed them.

Sometimes words are just inadequate.

Avivah

How we celebrated our most recent bar mitzva

June 29, 2015parentingAvivah

We’ve just celebrated our third son becoming bar mitzva. Each of the three bar mitzvas have been very different and I’ll share with you what we did this time and why we did it this way!

Several months ago we talked to our then twelve year old son about beginning bar mitzva lessons so he would be able to read the Torah portion in synagogue the week of his bar mitzva. He told us then he didn’t want to do it. I told him everyone is nervous in the beginning and that’s okay; he would learn what he needed to learn, practice and it would be fine.

He went to lessons. He occasionally would say he didn’t want to read the Torah portion in synagogue. I told him I understood he was nervous but encouraged him that he would do fine. After all, dh, ds21 and ds16 have often served as the baal koreh (Torah reader) in addition to leading the davening (prayer services). It’s something the males in our family are comfortable with and enjoy doing.

When we moved dh took ds to a local bar mitzva teacher to continue his lessons. The teacher asked him what he wanted to do, and ds emphatically said he didn’t want to read the portion in public. At that point, it was clear to us that he wasn’t saying this because he was unprepared, and dh and I reevaluated. We spoke to a rav who agreed there is no reason he needs to lein his bar mitzva parsha. If and when he wants to read the Torah portion at a later time in life, the opportunity will wait for him.

As parents it can be a challenge to recognize when your child needs an encouraging push and when that push is too far beyond his comfort zone. Sometimes your ego can get in the way and blur the lines. In this case we recognized the line and discussed with ds what would make his bar mitzva special and meaningful for him. He chose to do extra learning of mishnayos and learned the laws of tefillin in depth in addition to what he was already doing.

How do you celebrate when a bar mitzva boy doesn’t take an active role in the prayer service?

On the day of his actual birthday, dh went with all of our boys and visiting male friends and family members to the Kotel (Western Wall) for the morning prayer service.

Ds13 on day of bar mitzva at Kotel — Ds13 putting on tefillin at Kotel

This was followed by a dairy brunch in our home. We initially planned to have this at a restaurant but ds said he preferred it at our home. It was a great choice on his part since it ended up being more personal, abundant and enjoyable for everyone of every age.

After everyone ate, we went around the room and each person shared something they appreciated about ds13. This is something we do on every birthday but for the bar mitzva it was more extensive and the older kids each spoke a few minutes about their younger brother. Almost everyone shared about his good heart, his humility, and his comfort with who he is without a need to impress others.

I spoke last and talked about some of his special qualities that hadn’t yet been touched on – qualities like thinking and feeling deeply, persistence and courage in sticking through difficult situations. I got teary eyed talking about this and afterwards the kids told me that most of the people in the room were as well. (Even an 11 year old guest later said he went out to the porch at this point so he wouldn’t cry.)

Later that day he went to shul where the rabbi and some other men and family members danced with him.

The following morning he was called up to make a blessing on the Torah in shul.

We opted to skip a kiddush on Shabbos since it would highlight what he didn’t do rather than what he did do. Since we’re new here and don’t yet know many people, having a large meal for local friends wasn’t necessary. Instead, we had a special Shabbos spent with extended family members joining us for the entire weekend in honor of ds.

I wasn’t going to share the picture we took right before Shabbos since the camera was held at an angle and it caused a misrepresentation of our heights. But then I thought you might appreciate seeing it anyway.

It has been such a deeply meaningful experience for me as a parent to watch ds13 emerge into the wonderful young man he is. The maturation process is amazing to watch; when given time, acceptance and support – and our belief in them – our children will amaze us with the people they become.

Avivah

The busy summer season is in full swing at our house!

June 17, 2015homemaking, parenting, personal developmentAvivah

It’s a busy season of life now and I haven’t done a personal update for a while so here goes!

Dd20 moved back home several weeks after we moved to RBS while she continues to work in Jerusalem. Dd18 graduated seminary last week (I’m not supposed to embarrass her and say how she was honored so I won’t) and moved back home this week. She’s finishing her second year of industrial design and has one year remaining of her college studies. We now have three girls in the girls’ room and had to add closet space and additional shelving to accommodate the increase in storage needs. 🙂 It is SO nice to have the older girls at home again, even though they’re so busy with work and school that we don’t see much of them.

Tonight we hosted a bridal shower for a friend of dd20 and dd18; I simultaneously attended a high school graduation. Tomorrow afternoon is a petter chamor ceremony locally that I’d like to take the kids to; I’ve only been to one before this and most people have never been to one at all. Tomorrow morning this is what we’ll be learning about before we go!

Tomorrow night there will be a presentation I’m planning to attend in RBS called “Seeing the Beauty in Those Who Are Different”. This will be “a one-of-a-kind, fascinating event on how we can all understand better the mindset, capabilities and drives of those with Down Syndrome. But really, the event is about seeing the beauty in those who are different from ourselves.” I hope that this will be an empowering evening that will open peoples’ minds to the potential and abilities of people with T21.

Family members from the US arrived a couple of days ago to share in the celebration of our upcoming bar mitzva! Ds12 put on tefillin for the first time on erev Shabbos/Shavuos. This Shabbos we’ll be having family members with us for all the meals for a total of about 20. We’re keeping our plans on a smaller scale than our last bar mitzva, to honor the personality and preferences of the son we’re celebrating with.

This coming week dh and I will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary.

We have Yirmiyahu’s third birthday coming up a week after the bar mitzva which means we’ll be having his upsherin (haircut for a boy when he turns three). I can’t believe how big he is already! The time really has flown by.

Even without all of these milestone events, I’ve been busier than ever since moving! There are a lot of choices for how to spend my time and now more than ever I need to plan carefully to make room for what’s important so it doesn’t get crowded out.

Avivah

Fun and Easy Granola – recipe

June 16, 2015frugal strategies, parenting, recipeshow to make granola, make granola with kidsAvivah

Today my home is filled with the delicious smells of homemade granola!

Granola makes a yummy and quick breakfast or snack, and is a fun and gratifying activity to do with kids with just a bit of oversight from you!

And if you’ve ever seen the price for ready made granola in the store, after making this you’ll wonder why anyone would pay so much. 🙂

Fun and Easy Granola

3 c. rolled oats
- 1/2 c. oil
- 1/4 – 1/2 c. sweetener (honey, date syrup, sugar)
- 1 t. vanilla
1 c. coarsely chopped nuts (almonds, walnuts, peanuts)
1 c. shredded or flaked coconut
1/2 c. sesame seeds
1 c. sunflower seeds (or sliced almonds, chopped walnuts)
optional – dried fruit (eg raisins, banana chips, papaya, mango, apple – anything!) chocolate chips –

Mix the oil, sweetener and vanilla together and heat over a low flame for 5 minutes. Pour the hot mixture over the oats and mix thoroughly. Spread in a thin layer on a baking pan, then bake at 300 degrees for about 45, stirring periodically. Mix the remaining dry ingredients and add them to the cooled oats. If you want to add dried fruit or chocoiate chips, you can also add that now.

That’s it!

Not so photogenic but very delicious! — Doesn’t look like much but it tastes sooo good!

– I made three times this recipe, using 1 kg of oats as a base. I used coconut oil but you can use any oil.

– If you’re using sugar for your sweetener then stay to the lower side of the recommended amount.

– Granola is incredibly flexible and you can add in all kinds of nuts and dried fruit to keep it different and fun every time.

Avivah

The countertops arrived and my new kitchen is ruined – expectations, disappointment and acceptance

June 8, 2015homemaking, marriage, parenting, personal development, Trisomy 21Avivah

I haven’t written about my kitchen renovation progress even though the counters were installed a week ago.

The counter is beautiful. And the cabinets are beautiful.

But the shade of the countertops isn’t a perfect match for the cabinets. The cabinets are a pinkish beige and the countertop is a yellowish beige and while that doesn’t sound like a big deal, it’s off. It’s not what I was envisioning.

The loss of a dream can be a very painful thing.

********************

When Yirmiyahu was born and I found out he had Trisomy 21, I accepted it very quickly – in less than a minute. No regrets, no what if, no wishing it would be different.

But most parents go through a mourning period after learning of the diagnosis, because it’s hard to let go of your dream of who your child will be.

***********************

Why was it so easy for me to accept my newborn son had Down syndrome and after a week I’m still struggling to accept my countertops being a different shade than I anticipated?

When I got the news about the T21, it was clear that was the reality and there was nothing that was going to change that. The only option was to look forward and do the best I could to nurture the child I had.

I also have a very strong belief that everything in this world happens as it’s meant to happen, when it’s meant to happen, to whom it’s meant to happen. G-d doesn’t make mistakes and nothing about Yirmiyahu or him being part of our family was a mistake.

But this countertop…it felt like a mistake. My mistake. I have a good sense of what looks right together. This isn’t the kind of mistake that I should have made. Except that I did and how it happened doesn’t really matter.

And – I don’t want to call it grieving because that should be saved for really serious situations – I’m feeling a sense of loss and sadness. I invested a lot into this project because the final vision of what it would look like motivated me. After the countertops arrived, I lost all interest in finishing the kitchen. I wished I hadn’t started it. Better to have kept the old tiny yucky kitchen than to invest myself in a project that didn’t turn out the way I wanted, my mind said.

While I can accept what G-d sends, it’s harder for me to accept a mistake that I made and realize, this is also the way that G-d wanted it.

*****************

As long as I’m wishing I could change the countertops, tell myself that I can’t bear looking at it every day, think how it’s a reminder of my failure – I’m not going to find acceptance. And without acceptance there’s no emotional peace and definitely no happiness.

Acceptance truly is the answer. Acceptance will only come when I can internalize that this is how it is, this is how it’s meant to be and this is G-d’s will just as much as something that doesn’t have any element of human involvement attached to it. It means focusing on what I have, not on what doesn’t fit my image of how it should be.

When I begin to let go of my insistence that something is wrong and realign my vision with the reality that’s now in front of me, it’s freeing. I can focus on what’s right. I have a well-designed kitchen that uses the space well, that’s easy to organize. I have all the features in my kitchen that I wanted. All while staying within my budget.

Since what I want is emotional health, serenity and peace, this is what I’m choosing. To accept that I don’t always get what I want, to enjoy what I have, and to notice what a beautiful countertop I have – even if it’s not the right shade.

Avivah

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