I’ve been struggling lately with some things going on after the last committee meeting for the twins. I can jokingly say that parenting by committee is not for wimps but honestly it’s so defeating that last week I felt like quitting – not because of the kids and the complexity of their issues, which I feel capable of dealing with, but because of the system.

Recap: the kids are doing amazingly in every area by everyone’s (sometimes grudging) opinion, far better than anyone expected, and certainly not in nine months. Their emotional and psychological health was given token attention at the committee because they needed to focus on what’s really important.

Dd’s bedroom – it must be pink, have two pictures on the wall and a rug between the beds. I already bought the sheets (with unicorns and rainbows), curtains and rug and am still looking for suitable wall hangings. While it looks cute, as I was hanging the curtains and changing the sheets there was resentment instead of pleasure to have been dictated to in this way. I was warned by someone who knows the person involved, who said she can and will pull the kids if we don’t do exactly what she said.

The other complaint was that dd’s clothing drawer needs to be better organized. I don’t think I previously mentioned that our visitor had all the kids open their closets and drawers for inspection when she came. Even though she had asked specific questions about how dd gets dressed and knew that dd chooses her clothing herself (with my guidance to make sure things match) and therefore jumbles her clothing in the process, this is something I’ve been told needs to be corrected. It’s frustrating because I already organize her drawer every day or two when I put clean clothes in, and the focus on this drawer when the entire house was neat and the boys’ drawers were organized is ridiculous to me.

Those were the official complaints. Sounds good? Let’s continue.

Onto the bio parents feedback. They see the children once or twice a month for an hour during supervised visitation. I was surprised that they acknowledged that the kids seem to be doing very well; I didn’t think they would have that level of awareness even though the change in the kids is visible.

When they spoke to the committee they claimed the children have dirty fingernails, ds smells like urine, they wear clothes that don’t fit properly, they don’t bathe regularly and I don’t tend to their appearance. I was taken aback when I heard this but more shocked that what they said was being considered as evidence.

Ironically, all of these claims were what was said about them and documented for months before the kids were removed from their care. My husband and I both believe they’re trying to make a case against us because they want to get the kids back, and these are things they know are a problem.

We not only have a thirty year history of parenting visibly well-cared for children, we’ve been foster parents for seven years and had monthly social worker visits and school checks all that time. Not only have we never received a complaint, but I get regular compliments on how cute dd always looks (people don’t usually comment on boys’ attire). The teachers have all told the social worker the kids are always clean and dressed appropriately, and dd’s teacher filed a report in which she stated that dd’s hygiene and clothing was at the highest level – which the social worker has seen herself every time she’s done a school or home visit.

None of the facts matter, and I was perplexed why the statements of the parents were being taken as evidence of my neglectful care, particularly in light of their own history. It’s typical of bio parents whose children are in foster care to be very critical of small details; that’s a known phenomenon. But why is the positive testimony that contradicts these false claims being ignored?

It also seems irrelevant how amazing the progress of the children has been.

We are now mandated to have twice monthly meetings with the social worker with a walkthrough of our home each time. Previously she came once a month. We had a walkthrough once before ds7 came as part of the approval process, then never again. For the twins, we had a walkthrough/inspection prior to them coming, and then again when the guardian ad litem came. So having inspections twice a month is out of the norm, particularly when there was nothing wrong except the two points above (lack of pink and the jumbled clothing drawer).

Our social worker is embarrassed to have to do this and has told me though it’s completely unnecessary she has no choice.

Additionally, the guardian ad litem is planning a surprise visit. She will come unannounced when the kids are home and expect a walkthrough of our home on the spur of the moment. We have no idea when this will be.

This has been very stressful to think about, as she has a very critical eye and no tolerance for a mess, regardless of the circumstances. You can imagine if she was upset about the lack of pink sheets and the clothing in the drawer when the house was very neat, what she’ll say when she comes into an actively lived-in home during the most hectic hours of the day.

I don’t understand how this is legal – in the US, police can’t enter the home of suspected criminals without a search warrant. But I haven’t done anything wrong …and still have to have this imposed on me? Having this person in my home feels unsafe to me.

I told my social worker I can’t understand why I’m being treated with suspicion despite all the evidence to the contrary. It just doesn’t make sense.

Since we’re also now being mandated to have parenting classes every other week, I set up a meeting with dd’s therapist. She called our social worker to find out what is going on and thanks to her, learned something that made the puzzle pieces fall into place.

I knew that my social worker was holding back on things this person said about us (before she ever met us ) from a couple of comments about hoping this person could let go of her prejudices once she met us. At the end of our meeting, our therapist explained that the legal rep won’t believe any of the feedback of teachers who see the kids daily because they are all religious, and “It’s known that charedim have a low standard of hygiene.”

This seems to be why what the parents said is taken as factual – because it supports her bigoted beliefs about religious Jews. It’s clear to me that the truth is irrelevant and nothing I do will change her perspective. In fact, I think she’s looking for something that will validate her strong opposition to us before the kids came, to prove to everyone that she was right to not want them here. She thinks we’re lying and so is anyone else who says something in support of us.

I’ve been feeling angry and frustrated and distressed about this for over a week. I’ve tried very, very hard to see everyone involved in a favorable light but at this point there’s not a bone in my body that believes that what is good for the children is the priority.

I’m being treated like an employee who has to do what she’s told, but social services is the last ’employer’ I’d want anything to do with if not for my desire to help the children. I don’t have a voice at all, I can’t say anything to defend myself or explain during the committee meeting – everything is decided on and then handed down to me without my input or clarification.

Generally I move away from dysfunctional people and unhealthy situations and minimize engagement; I don’t try to defend or justify myself. Now I’m forced to deal with an unhealthy system that I’d rather stay far away from, and I find it upsetting that I have to detail how often I bathe the kids and wash their hair, how often I cut their nails, explain that I dress the children in clothing that fits appropriately, etc, etc, etc.

I’ve been tempted to take a picture of the coats I put them in and contrast that with a picture of the oversized coats the parents gave them that will fit them in a year or two (They claimed they had to buy them coats because what I gave them was much too big.) Or to ask the supervisory social worker to note in her report that she has yet to send in, that ds never smelled like urine except for when he wet himself during a visit with his parents because they didn’t take him to the bathroom.

Being told what to do and how to do something will always negatively impact someone’s intrinsic motivation. There was more conversation regarding expanding visitation with their parents and educational choices that may be mandated that may be very different than what we would choose for them, that even further created a question for me as how to stay lovingly engaged with the children when it feels safer for me to detach.

It’s been challenging as I’ve been working through all of these emotions that were stirred up. It’s only today that I found inner calm about it all, and was able to put it all emotionally to the side. It is what it is, and I don’t want to give away my peace of mind to anyone involved.

Avivah

Last week I picked up dd6 from kindergarten, accompanied by ds6 and ds7. She happily hugged me, and they all ran to the car.

Predictably, the boys got to the car before her. Predictably, she began screaming because she wanted the middle seat. I empathized with her wanting to get the seat and the frustration of not having what she wanted. She got more upset and refused to get in the car, so I calmly picked her up and put her in the car, where she continued screaming.

As I turned on the ignition, I thought about a topic that often comes to mind – how to deal with children when they become dysregulated. All children become dysregulated at times, but since the twins are very quickly and easily dysregulated, this is something I get to practice a lot.

One Shabbos morning I was at shul and an older woman commented, looking at dd, “What sweetness!” This is someone I had previously discussed the fostering situation with, and I responded, “Yes, there’s a lot of sweetness when all her needs are being met, but when they’re not, it’s not so sweet.”

Five minutes later, dd asked me about having more treats and I told her she had already had her fill. (I talk to the kids beforehand about how much they can have; we always have the same guidelines.) She began crying and jumping up and down in protest. The woman said to me, “Oh, now I see what you mean.” I laughingly (and truthfully) replied, “Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet!”

When I respond to a child who is distressed or dysregulated, I integrate my six foundational principles of Leadership Parenting. I call them the Six Cs: calm, clarity, courage, compassion, connection and correction.

Firstly, slow down inside yourself to feel your calm. You can take a physical or mental deep breath to help with this.

You need to have clarity about what your intentions are in the interaction; when you feel this, it will come across to the child. In this case, I had established the boundaries of how many treats she could have, and I had clarity that this was the boundary I was going to maintain. I could also have chosen to be flexible on this and knowing I was willing to shift my position would have been my clarity.

Once you have clarity about what you want, you need to have courage to see it through. It’s easier in the short run to give in to a child and let them have or do what they want. Being willing to face your child’s displeasure and deal with his resulting acting out requires courage.

Before addressing any issue with a child, it’s important to feel compassionate towards him. If you’re frustrated and irritable, you’re not going to be effective in communicating.

All of this work is done inside of you before you say or do anything with a child. Now that you’re centered in yourself, you step into the active part of the interaction with your child.

When you guide your child, it’s important to first establish a connection. Look your child in the eye (eye level is very helpful for a child who is very out of sorts), and empathize with their frustration or disappointment. “That wafer looks so yummy and you really want to have more.” Wait for a response, and validate that response. “It’s really hard.”

This moves into the final step, correction. “When we come to shul, we have ‘x ‘many treat (establishing or reminding child of boundary). We’re not going to have any more treats now. Would you like to take the wafer home and save it for a different special time?” Or, “Come, hold my hand and we’re going to go outside together.”

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This is a typical scenario. But there are other ways that the steps can play out.

Every week we do an online grocery order and my husband goes on the designated day to pick it up. Sometimes he takes one of the children with him. This week he took two children. A third, upset he wasn’t going to go, spit on my husband and verbally became very expressive about his anger. Dr. Gordon Neufeld would call this being filled with ‘foul frustration’. I was inside the house so my husband carried him in to me and said, “Ds6 needs you.”

Next to where I was sitting were two towers built by one of the other children, one of Duplo and one of magnet tiles. He began taking the tiles off, one by one, and tossing them into the box. I thanked him for putting them away. He looked at me appraisingly, then knocked the entire tower over. He looked at me to see my response. I didn’t say anything, but stayed compassionate in myself for his disappointment. He knocked down the Duplo tower and looked at me daringly. I quietly looked at him.

In this case, without saying a word, I’ve used calm, clarity, courage, compassion and connection. It was clear to me what my boundaries were (clarity), and I was going to see that through (courage). I was calm and compassionate, and he could feel connection with me just from the way I looked at him.

He stood there for another minute and then sat down and began to build with the Duplo. After a minute, he gave me a brick and said, “Cake for you, my sweet mommy.” I thanked him and ‘nibbled’ on it. As he built and built and built, I could feel him getting quiet inside himself, without either of us speaking. He would periodically look up, checking to see that I was looking at him. And that was it. The correction happened as a natural outflow of our interaction.

Helping a child regulate doesn’t always require words. Sometimes words get in the way. It always requires your calm and compassionate presence.

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Soon dd6 came back from the shopping, happily carrying in two small packages of vegetables. Then there was nothing else for her to bring in so she began screaming.
She can switch from happy to upset, and upset to happy, literally on a dime. When she screams, it’s piercing, extended and usually accompanied by jumping up and down or throwing herself on the floor. My teen boys are amazed that a child can scream as much as she does.

By this time it was close to 6 pm. When it’s so late in the day and children are tired, you need to have a lot of patience because they are overextended. This can be a particular challenge because parents are also feeling overextended and tired by this time.

In this case, I brought her close to me and gave her a slow hug. Usually this helps her, but this time she so dysregulated that it hardly registered. If anything, she got more upset. When I hugged her, I felt that her clothing was damp from the splashing outdoors she had done just before they left, and realized she must be cold. I picked her up and took her to her room. I spoke to her minimally because everything was too much for her at that moment, but whatever I said was said in a low and soothing voice. I took off her wet clothes and put her in a snuggly pair of pajamas. This was all accompanied by her piercing screams and flailing around.

Just because you are helping a child and giving them what they need, it doesn’t mean they’re going to instantly calm down or cheer up. Not at all. In this case, dd6 was so overwound that she couldn’t calm down.

She stood in front of me while I finished zipping her up. Since I was sitting on her bed we were eye level, and I said, “Now you’re warm and dry, doesn’t that feel good?” This wasn’t said to elicit a response from her but to help her get recentered. Then I sat with her on my lap for a few minutes. She lay her head against my chest and when I felt her body relaxing, gave her a big hug before we went back to the kitchen to have dinner.

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How do you react when your child is melting down? What is hard for you in the moment that they’re having a hard time?

Avivah

Several weeks ago we had a massive amount of rain in a short time.

When the rain was beginning to come down, the kids wanted to play outside. With the quote “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only unsuitable clothing” in mind, I offered two of the children matching raincoats and rain pants, and gave the third a good raincoat. There wasn’t any lightning and knowing they had some rain protection, I was glad to let them enjoy what quickly turned into a downpour.

They all happily ran outside and enjoyed playing for a couple of hours, splashing and jumping and running and having a great time. They came in, changed into dry clothes (yes, they still got wet even wearing rain gear), and we had lunch.

The day went on and it poured, and poured, and poured. Our yard is next to agricultural fields that are on an incline, and because it’s chemically poisoned like all fields that grow conventional crops, the dirt is absent any soil health. One result is that it has very little ability to absorb water and with rainfall like this, there was a massive amount of water pouring off the fields.

Through adult eyes, the runoff that entered our yard looked like significant flooding. In the eyes of our children, it was a watery playground! They had SO much fun, lying on their stomachs and trying to swim, zooming through the water on riding toys and scooters, and getting soaked to the skin.

Since this experience, when it starts to rain their first response to rain is to run outside!

My daughter and her family were with us for Shabbos. Once again, there was lots of rain and our walkway flooded, though nothing as much as a few weeks ago. It was still enough for the kids to have a great time running around in the water, balancing on the boards we laid down so people can walk in without getting their shoes soaked, and making up new games to play together. They dubbed the flooded garden bed next to the entrance to our yard ‘the stream’, and went wading in it, bathing their dolls, filling buckets of water and throwing them on each other and finding other activities to do.

It’s invigorating and empowering for children to have opportunities to explore and create new experiences. My daughter commented that I have a lot of patience to allow the kids to play for as long and messily as they did. They’re doing something good for their bodies and minds, bonding with one another and building wonderful memories all at once. Seeing how exhilarating, energizing and engaging this is for them, the changes of clothing, resulting extra laundry and muddy floors are a small tradeoff.

Avivah

I recently went to a school meeting for ds7 and one of the attending therapists commented, “I don’t have to ask whose mother you are because ds7 looks so much like you!”

His teacher, knowing that he’s not my biological child, smiled and asked me in an undertone, “Should I tell them?” I shook my head no.

That’s not the first time that’s happened. When I went to the meeting for all mothers at the beginning of last year for ds7, his teacher was guessing who each mother was as they walked in. I was one of the first mothers to arrive and as I came in to the room, she said, “Let me guess…you’re (ds’s name) mother! He really resembles you.”

In that case, I did laugh and tell her that I’m not his biological parent, which shocked her. (I don’t walk around telling everyone but as his primary teacher, she needed to know.)

When the twins joined the family, my oldest daughter was the first of our married children to meet them. She commented to me that if someone had to guess who dd6’s twin brother was, she thought ds7 looked more like her than ds6, her actual twin. Interesting, right?

Though obviously the twins get their features from their parents, there are enough similarities to our family members that no one who doesn’t know would guess that our foster children weren’t born into the family. I think that ‘matching’ a foster/adoptive family is an extra benefit for a child who isn’t born into a family that helps him feel he belongs. It’s not easy to look visibly different from everyone else in your family, and in fact I’ve learned that this is a painful issue for many in the adoption world.

During Chanuka I took the kids to a local holiday event when a woman came over and asked me if I was a foster parent. I looked at her and her children, and immediately understood she was a foster parent. She told me we have the same social worker and had been keeping her eyes open hoping to meet me. How did she guess who I was?

She obviously put some clues together; she was the person that dd6 was going to be placed with initially so she knew about the twins.

How she definitely didn’t guess who I was, was based on the appearance of our children, whereas with one quick glance at her blond hair and her children of Ethiopian extraction, it was obvious she wasn’t their birth parent.

I don’t see having very different features as a bad thing, but it undisputedly takes away some of a child’s anonymity and privacy. They don’t get to choose who knows that they are in foster care/adopted. Everywhere they go, it’s obvious to everyone who looks at them.

I don’t want that extra attention on me, and I definitely don’t want that extra attention on them. I want them to be able to feel as fully as possible that they have a home and family where they belong, not to have attention drawn to their differences, and not to constantly be questioned as to their relationship to us.

Recently, ds6’s teacher called me to tell me he’s begun to tell his classmates and teachers that we’re his abba and imma (Hebrew for mother and father). Originally when talking to them he referred to us as his Mommy and Daddy; the Hebrew terms were reserved for his bio parents.

He’s also begun to call himself ‘(name) Werner’.

In the first six months whenever the topic of family belonging came up, I told him he’s part of the Werner family and also the ‘(his bio last name)’ family. But now I just let it be. I’ve said it enough and don’t have to continually remind him. He clearly sees himself as a Werner, and I’m glad he feels that he belongs here, because he does.

Obviously ‘matching’ an adoptive or foster family isn’t the most important criteria, but it’s definitely a nice plus!

Avivah

After two weeks of waiting, I finally got feedback on the foster care home visit that recently took place.

The tone of the entire meeting was one of negativity and even hostility towards me. Major positive changes in the children were dismissed with an exclusive focus on external details. I didn’t react to provocatively phrased questions, or to the insinuations that I was lying.

My social worker later told me it was upsetting to be present at the meeting and see how I was treated, but I didn’t take it personally. I trust this person is concerned about the welfare of the children; it’s critical that there to be oversight and supervision for foster children, even if the way it comes across to me is uncomfortable.

Since the meeting took place, I’ve tried not to guess what the reaction or resulting demands on me would be. But I did have some guesses about what kind of things I would hear, based on what elicited the most negativity.

I was so, so wrong.

Nothing that I guessed about was mentioned. Nothing.

During the visit I was asked many detailed questions about different aspects of raising the twins. Here are the criticisms of our foster care arrangements:

-The decor of dd’s room doesn’t feel enough like a girl’s bedroom. Dd’s linen is a floral set with lace edged pillowcases (pale yellow and light blue). When the war began we moved a second bunk bed in since her room is the safe room (in case of missile attacks we would need to have more children sleeping there), and I put matching light blue fitted sheets on each of the other bunks to protect the mattresses. It matches her set and looks nice. But it’s a fact that other than her sheet set the room is gender neutral.

I was told there should be more girls toys displayed. I don’t know if she didn’t notice the two dolls on dd’s bed and admittedly the doll strollers were outside, not in the room. She didn’t like that at the beginning of the meeting that all three children were playing with Duplo (a ‘boy’ toy). I would never have dreamed someone would have looked at that scene of three children playing nicely together in creative ways, and seen the color of the blocks as an issue.

-There isn’t a separate area in dd’s room for her to do projects, or a place on the wall for her projects to be displayed. She doesn’t have a ‘pina shekeita’, a quiet corner of her own.

In our home, bedrooms are mostly for sleeping, and sometimes for playing. But never for crafts. When I take out art supplies for the kids, I put them on the dining room table or outdoor table, and whoever is interested draws or creates there. We display projects on the fridge or sometimes the front door; no one has their own display area. Ironically, dd6 is the only child in the house who has her own room, and while she has a quiet place to play alone, she adamantly doesn’t want to be alone.

The social worker said that if I had a picture of a unicorn and rainbow on the wall the person who complained would have been happier. I laughed and told her dd’s backpack and lunch box are both pink and have unicorns and rainbows on them, she has plenty of pink clothes and feels very happy as the only girl in the family at this time. I don’t think she’s beleaguered by the lack of lavender sheets or pink magnet tiles, but I don’t have a problem with making her room more feminine.

I was concerned that the committee was once again going to impose something on my that would compromise my family, and this focus is a relief to me. While to me this feels like minutia I understand others have a different perspective on what is important. In any case, it’s all very easily remedied – I’ll spend a couple of hundred shekels on pink curtains and pink sheets, and maybe find a girly looking wall decoration. Voila. A suitable foster home for a little girl.

For someone who has an critical eye to find so little to complain about feels like a major accomplishment, and I’m pleased with the outcome.

Avivah

Last week we had a home visit with our social worker, the head of the foster care agency, and the guardian ad litem (court appointed legal representative for the twins – GAL).

It’s taken me until now to find a way to consistently feel neutral towards the GAL after this visit. I’ve repeatedly told myself she means well, but every time I think that to myself, the phrase ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’ pops into my mind.

Prior to her visit, I took time with myself to think about how I wanted to interact with her. I guessed she would be very detail oriented and more interested in facts than feelings. That proved to be very accurate.

My own intention was to communicate without allowing myself to be put on the defensive and not worry about what she thought of me, and that was also very appropriate.

I’ve written and rewritten this post, trying to describe a little bit of what it was like as cautiously as possible. My husband has said that since my blog can be publicly accessed, he doesn’t think I should say anything. As such, I’ve deleted all descriptions of what happened.

Overall the meeting went extremely well. I presumed good intentions on her part and stayed calm and composed throughout the entire visit. Dd6, ds6 and ds7 were all home and they couldn’t not have been more well-behaved or responded to her questions better than they did.

It’s not easy to do so much for these children, to see so many positive changes, and have everything peremptorily dismissed as not even worthy of comment. Perhaps it’s common for lawyers to speak to people outside of the courtroom as if they are a defendant on the witness stand, asking leading questions and badgering the witness.

The thing that is hardest for me about foster care is seeing that our children are pawns in a system that doesn’t make their well-being the most important concern. I keep reminding myself that Hashem sent this person to us and she’s doing exactly what she’s meant to do.
I have no way to overcome prejudices that someone else holds that have nothing to do with me.

The reason I didn’t want to write about this until now is because I’ve been searching to put this interaction into a positive perspective, to find a way to give the benefit of the doubt. I don’t like thinking negatively about people and I’ve been trying to feel compassion for this individual, but wasn’t succeeding at all.

Yesterday I spoke with the man who founded the speech method that I’ve recently begun studying. He mentioned that one definition of apraxia of speech is that it can’t be treated. What happens when someone develops a method which has helped hundreds of children who supposedly can’t talk, learn to speak?

Do they rush to his door and ask to learn what he did? Do they tell him how amazing it is that he did something they didn’t think is possible?

No. They stick to their conviction that it can’t be done, even in the face of evidence that shows otherwise. He said this is the natural reaction of the established system in every area.

This comment was like a thunderbolt to me. I had been asking Hashem to help me find a way to think positively about this person, and then I heard this. I realized she’s just reacting the way people in an established system react to something outside of their experience.

There was a lot of focus on the negative behaviors that were part of the past file of one of the children. She said she’s never seen negative behaviors like this dissipate so quickly like they did when the children came to us, and that she can’t see how it’s possible.

If the baseline assumption is that this kind of change can’t be possible because she hasn’t seen it before, then there are only two options: 1) to consider that there’s something to learn from this new outcome and explore how it happened – but there was absolutely no interest in what we did and how that might have positively impacted the children.

Option 2: to insist that it’s not possible and solicit confirmation for her initial decision to oppose placement with us as not being in the best interest of the children.

Thinking about this being a normal reaction to something unfamiliar and unexpected makes this so much easier for me to accept. I don’t want to see her as an enemy who is trying to make my life miserable

It’s also helped release the tension I was feeling trying to anticipate what demands she’s going to impose on me when the committee meets for a follow-up. Now I’ve been able to return to my initial feeling that whatever will be, will be, and trust everything will work out as it’s meant to.

Avivah

One of the things that I’ve been taking care of is figuring out ds6’s medical situation.

I’ll recap some of what I’ve shared previously to get current: He’s been taking thyroid medication since he was two. He has nothing on his medical file to indicate any blood work having ever been taken (it should be taken every three months), who gave this recommendation or why. When I had blood work done, the results were normal.

To confirm that the medication was appropriate for him, the endocrinologist wanted me to get a thyroid scan and uptake done at a hospital. This would verify what his thyroid function was. I submitted the paperwork to the hospital and was told they would call me to make the appointment. My first appointment was scheduled for September but the hospital called the number and address on record and it was the bio mom who was sent the verification and details. While I was waiting weeks and wondering when I was going to get an appointment, I had already missed the appointment for lack of knowing about it.

This week we finally got the scan done. This test entails having a liquid radiotracer injected into the arm, then staying perfectly still while lying on a machine (that looks like this), which slides him into a circular area. Then the top of the machine comes down on top to within a few inches of the face. I was thinking this was an intimidating test for even an adult, let alone a young child. I stood behind him to the side, and held his head for each of the four scans and sang to him while the pictures were taken. He had to stay perfectly still, not even a slight movement in any way was allowed. He was encouraged to move in between while the machine repositioned for the next scan. He was just amazing. Dd6 would have been hysterical if she had to be in this machine for even a half a minute.

I made an appointment immediately with our doctor for follow-up. She said everything looks good – his thyroid is working perfectly. Why has he been taking unnecessary medication for years? We’ll never know how it got onto his record but nothing about it makes sense. We’ll do one more blood test at the beginning of next week, then one more visit back with her to confirm all the tests are pointing to the same conclusion. Our next step was going to be to proceed to bone scans that were the next step to see why he’s small for his age, but she said that’s no longer necessary.

I asked her what will we be considering next as an explanation for why he’s so small for his age. She said that in his case it’s likely trauma that caused him to not develop at a typical rate.

Saying this, she said she wanted to check what his growth looked like since his last visit four months ago. She then measured his height and weight. “Four centimeters!” she proclaimed. “You’re doing great work. That’s stupendous!”

“What does that mean, that it’s stupendous? In what way, compared to what?”, I wanted to know.

She took out a growth curve chart and showed me: the growth for a typical child this age is 6.5 centimeters a year. She explained that a centimeter of growth a month is something you rarely see except during puberty. She said that this clearly indicates he is healing from the trauma that kept him from growing.

She gave me a very warm smile and said, “What you’re doing for him is amazing.”

Isn’t that crazy?! In the best way possible, of course!

I expect when I talk to a therapist, she’s going to see that he’s doing really well. But I didn’t walk into the endocrinologist’s office thinking I was going to hear about the quality of our parenting.

The follow-up report on the adjustment of the twins to our home has already been written and submitted, so our social worker won’t be able to add this. But whether it’s shared with the court or not, I am elated to see physical changes of this sort.

Avivah

I’m getting a lot of opportunities in a one week period to discuss how the twins were when they first arrived at our home 7.5 months ago, and it’s providing me with a lot of reflection.

First I had an hour long conversation with our social worker, who is preparing a report for the follow-up from the first committee meeting that took place the month after they were placed with us.

Last week I had a meeting with dd6’s kindergarten teacher, private teacher, and the head of special ed in the area. Though there are a couple of areas that they brought up that could use improvement, overall she is doing really well.

I’ll be meeting in the morning with my husband for the intake for the therapist for ds6, who will be starting movement therapy with him at his kindergarten once a week.

In a couple of days, our social worker will be coming for a visit with the guardian ad litem (kids’ court representative), who has been a proverbial thorn from before the placement took place. (I know she’s operating from what she feels to be in the best interest of the children, which she has until now has been convinced is not with us, because we’re charedi and because of where we live. This is why she opposed their placement here and advocated for them to instead be placed in separate adoptive homes.)

My social worker has been pushing her very much to meet us, because she thinks if she would know who we actually are, she would be able to move past the stigmas she’s operating under. I’m looking forward to finally meeting her. Since she’s a lawyer, I have a feeling we’ll be talking more about more nuts and bolts like wanting to see the beds the kids sleep in than their emotional state, but we’ll also be talking with her about how they were when they came and how they are now.

Yesterday my husband and I had an intake meeting with the child therapist for dd6. I got a really good feeling from her the moment we stepped into her therapy room – it was cozy, super child friendly, homey and authentic. A very good vibe, and I really enjoyed meeting her. (I have a lot of meetings for the twins because I have to, but my husband also said this was one that he also enjoyed.) She’s been doing this therapeutic work with children for 20 something years, is a parent of six, one of whom was adopted from foster care and one who is currently a foster child but in the process of being adopted. It’s a very nice and unexpected bonus that she has personal experience and perspective as a foster parent. Not only that, her foster child has the same guardian ad litem as the twins, so she understands the personality we’re dealing with.

I’m glad for dd6 that she’ll have a weekly opportunity to meet with this therapist. She seems fantastic! We spent the full hour going over dd’s history, and a little bit about our overall approach (there wasn’t enough time to go into detail about all the things we did and why). Usually she told me she has the session for the child together with the parent so she can give the parent guidance about how to support the child, but said in my case it won’t be necessary. She said we’ve done an amazing job and she doesn’t see why dd6 needs to come for therapy after all the work I’ve done with her. I explained that the court has determined it’s a prerequisite, and though I don’t think dd6 needs it, it can only benefit her.

She found it remarkable that in less than eight months dd and ds now have a good relationship, based on their history. When I corrected her and shared that four months after they came when they started school, I remember their teachers commenting on their beautiful relationship (“Oh, you can tell they’re twins by how close they are!” If only they knew…), she was shocked.

We’ve seen so many positive changes in the time that they’re with us, that describing them as they were and as they are now is describing very different behavior. I understand why it’s hard for someone with a legal background (guardian ad litem) to believe. Those with a psychology background understand why and how they could have grown so much but the speed is pretty remarkable to everyone, including me.

I attribute their tremendous emotional (and for ds – cognitive) growth in large part to them having spent three of the first four months of their placement with us at home full-time. Then after only a couple of week of school, there were over a month of holidays and then vacation due to the war, so it’s just in the last couple of months that they’ve been in kindergarten regularly. That has provided me with a lot of time with them, and them with me. (Obviously I’m not the only one in the house with them, but I’m the main caretaker.) It’s built a foundation of emotional security and trust for them that we couldn’t have built if they had been out of the house most of the day, for most of these months.

I’ve written before regarding my caution about parents depending on a weekly therapy to create a meaningful difference in a child. I was then writing about therapies like PT, OT, and speech. But I think the same thing is true with emotional therapy – once a week is great, but what happens the rest of the week? If you’re not actively following through on whatever the therapist is working on, the benefit is going to be much less than it could be.

While we aren’t officially labeled as a therapeutic foster home, in practice the kids have benefited from all day long ‘therapy’. Cognitive, sensory, language, constantly talking about emotions, how to deal with them, demonstrating, practicing – again and again and again.

We also have a number of physical aspects of our home – particularly our animals and outdoor space – that have been beneficial for them. When ds came, he spent long periods of time daily hugging and stroking our dog (suffocatingly so; our dog is very tolerant though I could tell he didn’t enjoy it). At least a few times a day he would say, “Right, Sheleg loves me and I love him?” I don’t know at what point I noticed that he didn’t do that anymore, but it was a very long time ago. Ds found a way to soothe himself in a healthy way and calm his anxieties that he could control from the very first day he was here, and gradually let go of that focus on our dog when he didn’t need it anymore.

As far as the outdoor space, it’s impossible for me to summarize the many benefits of hours of daily outdoor play for a child’s development. Books have been written about it.

Please don’t read this as me being self-congratulatory, because that’s not my intention. When we were told about the twins, it was a pretty intimidating description. My husband and I looked at each other and both of us wondered if this was going to be too much for us.

It has been a lot of work. While adding two young children clearly adds more physical work, the significant work was needing to stretch my patience and actively practice a higher level of self-awareness when interacting with them. Sometimes I felt very annoyed by things they did. I’ve worked hard to be kind and compassionate even when that wasn’t my natural reaction to what was happening in front of me. Prior to them coming I had a pretty high level of patience with my children and took most things in stride without being too bothered. I found myself tested in new ways when the twins came.

I struggled to find the balance between establishing and maintaining the super clear boundaries they needed, and feeling like a corrections officer. Different languages bring out different qualities in people, and when I speak Hebrew I feel like a tougher version of myself. Here I was speaking Hebrew with these children while needing to be extremely black and white about boundaries, and I often didn’t feel like my more relaxed self.

Changes happen slowly when you’re in the middle of things, and it was only recently that I realized it had been a long time since I felt very bothered by something they had done.

It’s very moving to see how well the twins have adjusted and are developing. It’s especially nice when people outside of our family validate that. While it hasn’t always been easy, I’m really glad they’re part of our family.

Avivah