Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Splashing around at bathtime

    Today is Day 10 of 31 for 21, a blogging effort to raise awareness of Trisomy 21.
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    I feel like this has been a heavy week with my posting thanks to the accident, so today I thought I’d share something a little lighter to bring a smile to your face.

    Here’s a two minute video starring our little bundle of sunshine during bath time when we first transferred him to this baby bath from our previous set up two months ago. Okay, so it takes me a while to get these technical things done, what can you do?

    We don’t usually follow our kids around with a camera taking pictures or videos but Yirmiyahu was having so much fun that we wanted to capture it! Even though he got startled every time he splashed his face, he had a great time, and so did we watching him!

    Bath time. You’ll see at the end that he pulls to stand twice and plops right back down- at that time he was just learning to stand up.

    Avivah

  • Planning your week based on your higher values

    I’ve been thinking about different aspects of time and life management lately, precipitated by a discussion with a man who is starting his own business, in addition to a full time supervisory position at work.  I asked him about how he’s finding time to start a new business when he comes home exhausted after a long day,  and he pointed to the bulletin board in his office that was separated into four equal quarters.  He was about to explain when I nodded and told him I understood.

    I was really grateful for this reminder of a principle that is so important but I’ve let it slide out of my life.  That’s the principle of organizing your life around what is known as the four quadrants.  (This is some of Steven Covey’s teaching, who is one of the two most insightful and far reaching authors I have read.)  I thought this was too complicated for a blog post but I briefly explained it to dd17 who has already started implementing it and has been finding it very helpful.

    In short, every activity in life can be categorized in one of four quadrants.  The first quadrant is for things that are urgent and important.  The second quadrant is for things that are important and not urgent.  The third quadrant is for things that are urgent and not important. And the fourth quadrant is for things that are not urgent and not important.

    You have no choice but to spend time in Quadrant 1 (Q1 from now on).  These are things that can’t be ignored, serious issues that leave you no choice but to deal with them.  Crisis falls into this quadrant.

    The second quadrant is super powerful but the most neglected.  The more time you spend here, the less time you need to spend in Q1.  This is the quadrant of planning, reflection, spiritual growth, personal renewal – eating well, exercise, meditating.  The kind of things you never manage to find time to do because you’re too busy and one day you’ll get around to it.

    The third and fourth quadrant are time wasters.  Q3 is filled with things that seem important because they’re so urgent and that’s why it takes up so much of our time.  Phones ringing, people knocking at the door or insisting they need something from us leave us feeling that this is a really important thing to do right now.  But they aren’t.

    Q4 is non important, non urgent activities – time wasting activities that people overuse with the stated purpose being to relax from their stressful lives.  If it’s a meaningful relaxing activity that leaves you feeling recharged, it goes in Q2.  If it’s mind numbing and excessive, you’re looking at Q4.

    So the first thing you need to do is assess what roles you play in your life, what activities they involve, and determine where each of these items are on the quadrants. The first two quadrants are where you want to spend most of your time but most people are spending the majority of their time in Q1 and Q3, the urgency quadrants.  We live in an urgency culture.  We can get addicted to the feeling or urgency because it makes us feel important to be so busy.  The problem is that urgency and importance aren’t the same, so all of this activity can leave a person feeling empty.

    The goal is to move towards spending more time in Q2 – this is where quality of life comes from.  Where does the time to do that come from?  Q3 and Q4, the quadrants that will suck out all your life energy and leave you with nothing to show for it.  The more time you spend in Q2, the smaller the number of burning items in Q1 will become.  The man I mentioned at the beginning of the post told me when he first took this job, everything was urgent, rush, rush, rush.  After a month of putting practices based on these principles into place, things were running in a much calmer way.

    Categorizing your activities is individual – an activity that one person experiences in one way can be experienced totally differently by someone else.

    I used some of my resting time the day after my accident to do some quadrant planning.  I’d been thinking about it since last week and was planning to find a chunk of time to do some uninterrupted thinking so I took my opportunity when it presented itself!  After some reflection and writing, I took out my planner and scheduled in the Q1 and Q2 activities for the week.  This is the idea behind something I wrote about a long time ago, putting in the big rocks first.  (You’ll have to look it up if you’re interested.  :))

    After you write down your important quality of life type activities for the week, then you schedule everything else around that.  You can spend your days doing little things that need to be done all day long, and get to the end of a day feeling as if you have nothing to show for your efforts.  When you prioritize your activities and execute around them, you can get lots of the smaller things done in between the big things and at the end of the day feel a sense of satisfaction that you’ve done things that really mattered to you.

    Though I’ve just started doing this again, it’s been really good.  Even when things happen to throw off my time schedule that would have previously left me extremely frustrated, I still had a clear idea of what was my priority for the day and that kept me focused even when everything else about my day changed.  I made time for some deep thinking, time to write out some of my values and priorities, time to spend with my mom, time to speak to a relative in the US who I rarely talk to (great aunt).  I got all my homeschooling paperwork written up.  I went through 2000 digital photos on my camera and chose out about 10% to print out; I haven’t printed out photos in over two years though our family enjoys being able to look at albums to remember our experiences.  Now I can delete everything from my camera.  (Getting rid of clutter is a Q2 activity.)

    My house wasn’t clean at the end of the day, since physically I’m more limited than usual right now.  I like when things look neat, but I was still able to feel a sense of accomplishment because the things that really mattered to me (and these will be different for each person) things it’s so easy to be too busy for – were done.

    This is an incredibly powerful way to live life if done consistently.  I hope I haven’t made it seem to obvious in my effort to simplify a lot of material.  Please let me know if this sounds helpful to you!

    Avivah

  • 31 for 21 – Look at your child, not the timetable

    It’s hard to believe that a year has gone by since I participated in the 31 for 21 2012 blogging effort to raise awareness of Trisomy 21, more commonly known as Down syndrome.  There are 31 days in October, and Trisomy 21 occurs when the 21st chromosome is triplicated – hence the name – and for this month bloggers across the blogosphere are joining in.  During this month I won’t be posting only about Trisomy 21, though there will probably be more posts on the topic than usual.  But I will be mentioning my participation at the beginning of each post.

    My general perspective on parenting is that every child has his growth curve (physically and emotionally) and we need to have patience and trust the individual’s process.  Sometimes there are things you see in your child that cause you to worry because he doesn’t doesn’t seem to be getting it as quickly as most other kids his age.  This could be academic, behavioral, psychological – and you have to let go of your fear and shift your thinking to believe in him so that you can reflect that back to him.

    That’s why one of my favorite children’s picture books is Leo the Late Bloomer.  Leo is a lion cub that can’t do anything right.  All his friends pass him in all areas of development, and while his father tries not to show how worried he is, he keeps seeing Leo failing in all the areas that his friends are succeeding in.  Reading, writing, speaking, drawing, eating.  Time passes and no improvements, until suddenly, one day Leo ‘blooms’ – he seemingly overnight acquired proficiency in all these areas.

    I’ve often thought how true this is of child development, and how important a parent’s trust in a child is to the process. And yet I sometimes feel I’m mentally groping to find the right balance in this area when it comes to Yirmiyahu (now fifteen months).

    There have been two developmental milestones that I’ve been concerned about in recent months: eating and crawling.  Yirmiyahu hardly eats any solids and that’s not for lack of effort on my part.  And though Yirmiyahu started to army crawl a tiny bit when he was thirteen months, he prefers to sit and actively resists being put down on his stomach.   My question for myself – how much to trust his internal timetable, and how much to push him?  It’s not one or the other, but sometimes doing too much on one side of the equation leads to too little on the other.

    All of this wondering about these two concerns came to a quick conclusion recently.  Two weeks ago Yirmiyahu got his first two teeth which were rapidly followed by another three.  Five teeth in two weeks!  Sometime in this same period, Yirmiyahu’s eating suddenly dramatically changed.  For months he rarely ate more than a teaspoon of food a day no matter what I tried – suddenly he’s eating several teaspoons of food at each meal!  My naturopath told me that until the teeth come in, a child is physiologically unable to digest starches.  Perhaps his body is finally able to tolerate solids foods and that’s why he’s suddenly eating?  I don’t know but it’s amazing how these two issues resolved themselves literally overnight without any intervention on my part.

    As far as the crawling?  After almost two months of being physically able to crawl but resisting any efforts to be on his tummy, in the last week he’s suddenly decided he wants to crawl!  Not huge distances yet, but he’s doing it himself because he wants to.  We didn’t change anything we were doing, but it’s as if the internal sensor told him he’s ready to do this now.

    Seeing these noticeable changes in such a short time has helped me find some inner balance and regain my trust in his individual process.  It’s helping me to let go of some of the worries about developmental steps being too delayed if I don’t push harder.  It’s challenging enough with a typical child to trust his inherent growth process when faced with issues that don’t match what is considered the norm, but it’s an extremely prevalent way of thinking about T21 so you have to really choose the paradigm you want your mind to spend time in!

    Trusting in his inner time frame doesn’t mean we don’t provide him with a stimulating environment – it means while we do whatever we feel is in his best interest, we let go of the inner tension that tells us we have to make something happen or else.   Letting go makes it so much easier to enjoy the process of watching him grow up rather than worrying about things not happening fast enough.  While we’ll continue to read, talk, play with him – I don’t want to get hung up on the timetable; I don’t want to worry that I’m not enough because he’s not hitting those milestones by a given time.  Yirmiyahu is showing me that with our support and love, he’ll continue to do things when he’s ready.

    Avivah

  • Homeschooling – finding time to do it all?

    >>How do you maintain your energy, keep the laundry, home, and kitchen in order, make sure everyone is occupied with educational things, and maintain your mental health for the sake of your children?  I hope I don’t sound too negative, just wondering how you “pull it off”?<<

    I’ll tell you right off the bat that a huge part of this answer is about attitude and expectations.  I see that those who think that every bit of information has to be taught in a traditional school format tend to have much more stress than those who believe that learning is something that happens naturally. My academic focus is on the skills of reading and writing (in Hebrew and English) and math.  Once they have strong skills in these areas, I know they’ll be able to learn anything.  I either integrate other topics like history and science into our reading or treat it as extracurricular.  This trust in a child’s desire to learn and in the natural learning process takes a lot of pressure off.

    An acquaintance with 14 children called a couple of weeks ago and upon learning I was homeschooling, asked me several times, “But when do you get anything done?  When do you rest?”  I find homeschooling easier than having kids in school but it certainly takes effort!  A general plan for the day helps me get things done in a way that feels balanced to me.

    I do a load of laundry before I go to sleep.  As soon as I wake up, I hang that load and put another one in.  The little kids are always awake by now and they play together while I’m doing this.  Then I make breakfast and everyone eats together. By the time we’re finished, the next load is ready and I hang that out.  Then if necessary I put another load in the washer.  I wash the dishes and neaten up the living room/dining room and kitchen and ask the kids to make their beds and put their dirty clothes in the hamper and pajamas away.  After the house is in order, our official homeschooling time begins.  This is around 9 am.

    By about 12 – 1 pm, I’m wrapping up my active involvement with the kids’ learning though of course I continue to be involved with them when the academics are officially done!  And of course the learning continues beyond this time, too!  I hang out the next load of laundry and start to make lunch around then, and my goal is to have lunch ready about 1:30 – 2 pm.  We sit down to lunch together and afterwards, this is when I rest if I’m feeling like I need it.  Sometimes I ask the older kids to keep an eye on the younger ones, but often I have quiet time for everyone in the family and the older kids can read quietly while the younger kids and I nap.  After about an hour, we have time for friends and outdoor play.  Then we do a quick pick up of the house, have dinner together, get ready for bed and have bedtime readalouds.  That’s our day in a nutshell!

    I’ve found it works best for me to dedicate the morning hours to homeschooling, and that means I’m not available for other things.  Not cleaning, not errands, not cooking, not anything else.  I don’t answer the phone in the mornings (unless it’s one of my older kids calling), I try to schedule appointments either very early in the morning or  later in the day, and I stay off the computer.  The computer can be a big time suck because you can get on to check one email and before you know it you’re checking this and then reading that and then it’s an hour later with your kids getting restless because you’re not present for them.

    I try to limit my personal computer time to the evenings when the younger kids are in bed.  I tend to stay up too late; I’m working on getting to sleep earlier but this is an ongoing challenge for me.  It’s much easier now that the oldest kids aren’t home and I’m optimistic that as we get back into our rhythm that this will improve; having teens who stay up late shifted everyone’s sleep schedule later.  Getting enough sleep is critical to our physical health and emotional functioning; we all know that but most of us still don’t make this a priority!  

    Being able to get to sleep earlier and have time for the things we need to do also depends on our ability to say ‘no’.  We can’t do it all, and we have to guard our energy so it’s available for what is most important to us.  For me, this means cutting down on things that I would like to do and being honest with myself that when I go outside of these parameters, someone is going to be compromised – and it’s usually myself.  It also means valuing my energy and recognizing my needs as at least as important as the needs of everyone else.

    Time for myself is critical, and I think I’m like most mothers in that I don’t allot enough to this.  I enjoy spending time with the kids and don’t usually feel I need to get away.  But I still appreciate time with other women.  For the past few months I’ve been attending a weekly lecture that I’ve really enjoyed, but that’s unfortunately ending next week.  I attend periodic social activities and when the kids have play dates or I take them to the park, it’s often a nice opportunity for me to chat with other moms.  For a while this spring/summer I was making regular time once a week to get out by myself, but I didn’t maintain that and now that dh is back (after four months away) I’m not feeling it’s as critical.  Dh usually takes care of the bedtime routine so that gives me a break every evening that I really appreciate.

    As you can see, you don’t have to be Superwoman to homeschool. What you do have to do is be willing to prioritize and use your energies toward what is most important for you.

    Avivah

  • Against expert’s advice – 13 year old genius pulled from special ed classes shines

    A friend who is an inclusion specialist sent me links for the following videos with the comment that this makes a powerful case for unschooling.  Featured is a thirteen year old boy who was autistic, supposedly would never talk and couldn’t learn, whose parents despite their fear went against the advice of the experts, and pulled their son out of special education classes, noting that the longer he was there the more he was fading away.  Instead, they tried a different approach – to let him explore his passion.  And he’s now on track to win a Nobel Prize

    Check out this link to read more!  It includes an interview of him with 60 Minutes as well as a Ted Talk that he gave.  Parents have such a strong sense of who our kids are and what they need, but it’s easy to discount that when people who are trained specialists tell us we’re wrong.  These parents talk about the fear they had of doing something against the ‘experts’ advice’ but by listening to their inner voice, they freed their child to become who he was able to be.

    Avivah

     

     

  • Figuring out hidden health issues with Yirmiyahu

    I haven’t been able to find much time for blogging about the many significant things on my mind, and hope you don’t think I’ve disappeared!

    Since the older kids are out of the house, I spend more of my free time speaking to them on the phone in the evenings, which cuts down on my blogging time.  And an ongoing area where I invest a lot of time is reading about issues relating to Trisomy 21 and trying to wrap my head around them.  Methylation cycles, folate receptors and stuff like that honestly make me want to yawn immediately.  I don’t enjoy the details of bio-chemistry; I’m very much a big picture person and the kind of details I have to now try to understand are almost overwhelming for me.  Since Yirmiyahu has been born I’ve done so much reading and I feel like I’m barely getting the gist of most of it.  Unfortunately, it’s still more than many doctors know (which is understandable since how much experience is any one doctor going to have with T21? and they can’t spend the time that I can on this) and that’s really frustrating since I’d like medical advisors who understand my questions and can help me find answers.

    When Yirmiyahu was ten days old, I asked his pediatrician about having his MTHFR status tested.  She told me she never heard of it and that I’m making problems for myself with my internet research.  Undeterred, I spoke to the geneticist when he was two weeks old, sure that she would have experience with this.  She had never heard of it.  Undeterred, I spoke to his pediatric hematologist that same day.  He also didn’t know what I was talking about.  That was my first experience and it was to become typical of my experiences in the year to come.

    Here’s what I’ve been working on for the last few months.  I’ve been concerned that Yirmiyahu’s thyroid isn’t functioning properly, and believe he has some signs of being hypothyroid.  Lately I’ve been deep into reading about the thyroid.  Did I mention I really dislike biochemistry?  I really really really don’t enjoy it and I feel a lot of pressure to figure this out whether I like it or not.  I have a strong feeling that when it comes to Yirmiyahu’s health, “If it is to be, it’s up to me”.  I know that sounds arrogant, but believe me, I really don’t  mean it like that.  I wish I didn’t have to figure out so much by myself, I wish the doctors would help me address issues instead of mostly telling me that everything is fine or what do I expect, he has T21.  I constantly battle feelings of frustration that as a lay person I have to figure things out; this frustration is coming from my fear that Yirmiyahu is going to be negatively impacted if I don’t figure this out.  Fortunately I believe that God plays a large role in this or I would have a lot more resentment and pressure than I do.

    Months ago I made an appointment with the specialist in the country on T21.  I did this specifically to discuss the thyroid issue with someone knowledgeable about how this affects people with Down syndrome and what can be done about it.  After a three month wait, I had the appointment.  I told him the signs that I thought were pointing to hypothyroid, and I was pleasantly surprised that he took me seriously and said I was very likely right.  However, he ran the bloodwork following that appointment and so I wasn’t able to discuss the results with him that day.  I did ask him about his approach to treating it; he said he was very aggressive (good) but didn’t know anything about natural thyroid treatment (bad).

    I got the test results and wasn’t able to reach this doctor to discuss the numbers, so I took them to my pediatrician, who said they looked normal.  I didn’t think so.  I sent them to another mom of a child with T21 who has become a bit of a self-educated expert on thyroid issues, who told me they looked ‘wonky’ and asked for permission to send it to someone much more knowledgeable than her.  (That someone is flat out amazing; I’ve become familiar with her in another venue and I’m awed by what she knows about thyroid stuff.)

    The answer I got back was a relief, since she said there’s a good chance we don’t yet have a thyroid issue but a lack of nutrients that are manifesting as thyroid issues.  It doesn’t mean everything is okay – everything isn’t okay – and I spent hours this week working out what supplements to get him, in what form, etc, in order to address this.  It was interesting how her recommendations intersected with other health issues I’ve been researching.  All the concerns I was researching as separate issues seem to be linked to some key nutrients that he’s deficient in, specifically folinic acid, B12 and l-5MTHF.   I was leery of supplementing folate because of oxidative stress issues in the T21 population – it’s not as as simple as, ‘notice a deficiency, give a supplement’ – and he can’t swallow pills so that’s why I needed time to work out the specifics.  I’m so grateful to other T21 moms for paving the way and sharing their experience because this would be incalculably more difficult without them.

    I’m hopeful that once we get started with these supplements that we’ll start seeing some changes.  I’ll be looking for changes in his energy- he’s become less and less active over time; he’s still the same sweet natured baby but he seems tired and weaker than he was months ago.  I’m also hoping for an increase in growth.  I’ve repeatedly told the doctors that I think something’s wrong, that he’s very small and not growing enough.  I have nine other kids who were in the 95% for height and at least 75% for weight.  Yirmiyahu has the same genes as them (obviously excepting the issue of the triplication of the 21st chromosome) and he’s off the charts small,   They told me that kids with Down syndrome are all small.  And why do they think that is?  Could it be because there are underlying issues that aren’t being treated?  This answer is one that grates on my nerves a lot, it’s like an excuse for not giving him the treatment he needs.

    I’m still concerned that there may be an iron absorption issue, something that is keeping him from absorbing the nutrients that he’s getting.  But I’m hoping for the best, and if  I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

    Avivah

  • Activities to keep the littles occupied while homeschooling

    Just before lunch time today I got a call from the city’s truant officer.  He said the schools have reported that my kids never showed up.  I sighed and told him that months ago I sent in my paperwork, before the school year I spoke to the Karmiel city representative who is handling this who told me she received my homeschooling request with the accompanying paperwork from the central norther office and she’ll get back to me to schedule a home visit (prerequisite to receive the permit), and that I notified the principal of the boys’ school months ago, before I ever sent in my paperwork.  We had a short but pleasant conversation during which my kids fortunately were relatively quietly occupied.

    Below is a list of different ideas of activities to keep your young children occupied while you take care of other things – like the dishes or helping an older child.  I’ve used most of these ideas over the years; some I’ve done a lot of, others hardly at all.  I made this list for myself I pulled this list out again when thinking about how to occupy ds4  and ds6 constructively.  They aren’t tiny anymore, but they still need to be constructively occupied or things get wild very quickly.  Most of these activities work well for kids in the 2 – 6 age range (and even above); I vary the offering according to ability (eg a toddler gets a very simple puzzle, a six year old gets a 100 piece puzzle).

    I’m not a fan of structured curriculum for young children, and this list is chock full of meaningful learning activities and skill development.  Remember – don’t get caught up thinking that if it’s fun it’s not learning!  It’s exactly the opposite; the more fun they’re having the more primed they are for learning. And particularly in the earlier years, you can easily learn just about anything with hands on activities and games.

    • cutting and pasting activities – shapes
    • games
    • puzzles
    • playdough (you can make it together from scratch for added fun)
    • audiobooks
    • educational videos
    • outdoor play
    • read books together
    • string and beads – you can also string pasta shapes, straws (smaller items better for older kids with more advance fine motor skills)
    • rice and measuring cups – you can also set up a pouring station with water, cups and a pitcher (I do this on my porch in warm weather)
    • lacing cards – you can make your own using oaktag of thin foam, punching holes around the edges with a hole punch
    • dominoes
    • bubbles – my kids have used who knows how many bottle of dish soap creating their own bubbles, and this has occupied them at time for hours
    • blocks – foam, wood, Duplo, Lincoln Logs, bristle blocks
    • coloring – use different kinds of crayons, markers, chalk – if you have the outdoor space then chalk is particularly fun
    • geoboards and colored rubber bands (I have a five point board for little kids, eleven point board for older kids)
    • pattern blocks
    • teddy bear counters (my kids like to use them when building to stand in as people)
    • felt board set
    • magnets with baking pan – I picked up a small cookie sheet for this at a thrift store for a nominal price
    • sorting activities (tricolored noodles, silverware, anything you can mix up and have them group) – for added fine motor development you can give your child a pair or salad tongs or a tweezer to pick up the items

    I know that some of you reading have great ideas that aren’t listed here, so please share them with us!

    Avivah

  • Dd17 left for seminary today

    Well, today marks the end of one stage of life and the beginning of another.  We now have just six children living at home.

    I woke up early this morning in order to walk with dd17 to the bus stop, where she caught the bus to Jerusalem.  Her seminary begins tomorrow, and she wanted to go in today in order to buy her uniform and to get settled at the place she’ll be living/working.  I haven’t been able to even think about her leaving without getting teary-eyed, so I’ve coped with this by trying to avoid thinking about it.  But you can’t avoid reality forever.

    So she left and yes, I cried when I walked her there and I keep getting a big lump in my throat and getting choked up every time I think of her not living at home now.  To have four of the older kids out of the house is a really, really big deal.  That creates a different home dynamic, which I think will be good for dd12 and ds11 in particular, as it gives them the chance to move from being the middle children to being the oldest in the house.  But it’s a transition that will take some time as they move from the more passive roles of a child who knows their older siblings will do what needs to be done (the work and the fun) into the active roles of becoming the older siblings.

    That’s the positive of it.  But honestly it’s hard.  You spend years raising children and as they get older, they get so amazing and such a joy to have around.  They develop a maturity in thinking and processing, and you understand one another in a more mature way.  They start to notice things around the house that need to be done and pitch in without having jobs detailed for them, wanting to help out and noticing how much their parents do.  They become strong role models for younger siblings.   I’ve been incredibly blessed with children who are quite honestly amazing people whose company I truly enjoy.

    Though I very much miss dd18, I’ve mostly gotten used to her not being home.  I’ve been used to ds20 being gone for quite some time already.  But right now, I haven’t made the mental adjustment to having ds14 and dd17 gone, and the house feels different without them here.  It’s been two weeks since ds14 went to his dormitory (he’s been home twice already) but in the late afternoons, I still keep expecting ds14 to walk in the door.  Tonight I made a nice dinner (usually our main meal is lunch and dinner is very simple) and thought to myself, “Dd17 and ds14 will really appreciate this” and then a moment later I remembered that they won’t be home for dinner.  Especially with my husband having recently been gone for four months, these two children really stepped up to run things with me in his absence, and our relationships became even stronger as a result.

    I’m feeling a strong sense of loss at the same time that I’m happy that they’re moving on with their lives and doing what they need to be doing now.  But never let it be said that this is easy.

    Avivah

  • Found a place for dd17 to stay next year!

    I am delighted to share with you that as of Friday afternoon, dd17 has found accommodations for sleeping for next year!

    She will be staying with an older woman in the early stages of Alzheimers, and will receive a salary in addition to a room for her evening hours there.  When she called about this she was told there had been a lot of interest (usually with jobs like this, the work is in exchange for the room with no salary), with ten other applicants within the same hour she called.  Dd said it didn’t seem like a likely prospect for her because of the high demand, but I told her that if something is meant for her it doesn’t matter if there are another hundred applicants, and if it’s not meant for her it doesn’t matter if she’s the only applicant.

    In short, they asked each applicant to send a short blurb about themselves and dd included references in her blurb.  They liked what they heard about her and asked to meet with her in Jerusalem on Thursday afternoon.  At that point they said she should be in touch on Friday after she had time to think about it, and offered her the job when she called back.  The adult children and the elderly woman herself all seem like very nice people and dd has a good feeling about the arrangement.  It is such a relief to know that she has a place to live – there are a number of details that we’re trying to take care of before she begins in another week and a half, but this was the biggest issue and resolving this has been really nice for us all.

    I want to especially thank CBA, the blog reader who sent me a link to the job posting!  This was the first time in the years she’s been reading my blog that she has contacted me – she’s never contacted me privately and she was like most of you, anonymous and unknown to me.  But when I posted on Monday that we needed to find a place for dd17 to live for the coming year, she went out of her way to send me a private email with this information, rather than assume that I already knew about this job, or make another excuse for not reaching out.  So often we hear about a need someone has, we sympathetically cluck our tongues or say we’ll pray for them but we assume that someone the help will come from another direction and everything will work out without our intervention.  I’ve done it and I’m positive every one of you has sometimes responded like this as well.

    The lesson that I’m taking for myself is, take a minute to really think about something when I hear about a need someone has, to really think if there’s a way that I can be of help.   I’m busy, really busy, and it’s hard to make the mental time but it doesn’t take time as much as it takes a willingness to make the headspace to briefly think about someone else.  It can be as small as giving someone a phone number they need and you have, or sending an email/ making a phone call on their behalf,   I was asked to help different people twice today  and helping each of them with something small for me but big for them, something I could have easily assumed someone else would help with since it’s not really such a big deal…. the sum total of my efforts for both situations was about about seven minutes.

    Think if we each took on just one time a day or week to mentally make the effort to be of service to another, how many people could be helped.  Each of us has the potential to be the answer to a challenge that someone around us may be facing, so keep your mind and your heart open and ready!

    Avivah

  • Room changes reflecting life changes

    It’s been busy around here – the day before my husband came home a week ago, I decided to totally change the way every single bedroom was set up.  This was prompted by the realization that with ds14 soon leaving for a dormitory high school and dd17 leaving for seminary, it would leave Yirmiyahu in his own room, dd12 in her own room and ds11 in his own room.  That didn’t make so much sense, so I started thinking about how we could improve on the way we’re going to be using our space for the coming year and it turned into a big project since we changed around all five bedrooms.  We had to take apart and then reassemble every bed in the house along with some other furniture, and the amount of chaos this switch over generated was tremendous.

    However, it was a really good move!  Dh and I now have a room on the second floor, which is more private without all the through traffic we used to have when we were on the main floor.  The  playroom is also on the second floor, and there are two advantages of this: noisy play can take place here without bothering my downstairs neighbor, and since I have to pass through that room daily to my room, it doesn’t get hugely messy because I pick up whatever is left out at the end. The three younger boys still share a room and prefer not having to go upstairs when it’s time to go to sleep; it’s also easier to put their things away and keep things orderly.

    This is a stage with a lot of transitions for our family that is represented by the physical changes we’ve made in our home, and it’s sad for me to have the kids moving out just as dh finally returns from four months away.  Ds20 was home for two and a half weeks and went back to yeshiva a couple of days ago.  Dd18 has decided to stay in the US and begin her degree.  Dd17 is running a camp until just before she leaves for seminary in less than two weeks so she isn’t around that for a good part of each day, but I’m enjoying every bit of time that she’s here.

    Yesterday ds14 left for high school in the center of the country.  I didn’t expect to get so emotional about this, especially since for this first week of school, he’s starting on Weds. afternoon and then coming home on Friday – not exactly a long time to be away!   But when I hugged him goodbye, I did feel emotional.  Even though he won’t be far away, even though he’ll be home every weekend, it’s a big change and it marks the end of an era in our family life.   We’ll really miss not having him here every day.

    As parents, our job is to give our children two things: roots and wings.  While making the transition from roots to wings is an important process, it’s a bittersweet experience.

    Avivah