Today marks seven months since we’ve moved to Israel!

I’ve been thinking alot about making a big lifestyle transition like this – I don’t know if you can overstate what is involved.  Some people are so flexible and fluid that they won’t be as aware of the transitions they have to make on a daily basis, while others will be aware of every bit of effort.  I’ve seen this with a number of people, including our own family.

Dh and I were recently discussing how each of our children has transitioned to living in Israel.  Two of our middle kids have been having the most difficulty, and I commented to him that we have to remember that seven months isn’t really that long a time.  I’ve heard people say that for adults it takes about three years of living here to really feel integrated, with constant and gradual adaptations that need to be made during that time.  I don’t think it takes children that long, but I do think that 1 – 2 years is very reasonable for children of this age.

Had we moved to a city with lots of English speakers, I think in some ways the transition would have been easier for the kids – at least in the short term.  The older kids (13, 15, 17) are all glad we came specifically to a place without many Anglos, and told me that they definitely have been forced to learn Hebrew much faster and better than they would have in an Anglo enclave.  It was important to me that my kids learned Hebrew, and it’s well-known that in Anglo enclaves the kids are delayed in this area, and often don’t learn to speak Hebrew well.

But for those who are having a hard time picking up the language, friendships aren’t happening for them, and this is something that isn’t an issue for them when they interact with English speakers.  Dd11’s tutor was at our bar mitzva seven weeks ago, and saw her interacting very comfortably and animatedly with English speaking guests – the tutor told me later that when she saw this, she realized that this was who dd11 really was, not the shadow of personality they see in school.  It totally changed her picture of her.

I think we’re fortunate in that I’ve never placed a huge emphasis on friendships outside the family, and this experience of not having friends would be much more painful if they were used to their social orbit being filled by peers.  Our children still have each other, and this isn’t a small thing.  However, I think it’s difficult for them to spend hours in an environment every day in which they are basically social wallflowers.

I think a lot about how to support them in this, and take a two pronged attitude towards this.  One is that I try to support their Hebrew language learning at home.  The other isn’t concrete, but I feel is much more significant – I work to shore up the relationship with them, the goal being that their inner needs for emotional connection and being known are being met.  I want them to have a full enough sense of themselves that they can withstand the daily beating that their self-esteem is taking.  It still won’t be fun for them, but at least it won’t be too damaging.  That’s my goal, anyway.   Dr. Gordon Neufeld explains that a parent can protect a child without even being physically present, by having established a strong and deep emotional attachment with them – because what you think of them informs their self-image more than what those around them think of them.

A couple of quick points about what a transition to a new country entails.  The first thing that comes to mind is the language.  When you can’t express yourself, you can’t be seen for who you are, and it is very difficult to interact with others knowing that they really can’t see you for yourself.  Since one of the deepest desires of a human is to be truly known and valued, language struggles aren’t just a superficial issue.

Since moving means leaving behind your family and friends, you’re leaving behind your emotional base at a time when you are most challenged to replace it.  It’s a lonely feeling.  This can be alleviated by moving to a place with more Anglos and a wider support system, but that doesn’t yet exist here.  We were very much on our own, and I think our expectation that we’d have to be our own support network was what saved us from the frustrations and compounded difficulties that others experienced who came here expecting more outside support.

Another issue is that different cultures have different unspoken rules.  I’ve tried to teach my children to be polite and considerate, and the way these qualities are expressed here are different; I’m not sure that what in the US was constantly commented favorably upon serves them well now.  Ds13 told me he realized that when he spoke in a way to his peers that would have been understood as being nice in the US, boys didn’t respond well to it.  He has learned that here, being very direct is respected, and has changed his communication style with his peers as a result.

This is a reality among all cultures – there are inherent differences even when there’s a common language.  I had a British neighbor (who later became a good friend) who early on in our relationship told me how frustrating it was to speak with me – what to an American was considered friendly and open seemed intrusive and nosy to her.  So I learned to tone down my ‘Americanness’ when I spoke with her.    And here we’ll all need time to learn the culture and figure out how to effectively be part of it without losing who we are.

All in all, I think we’re in a good place.  Some of us are thriving, others are getting used to things more slowly.  No one says they are unhappy or wish we didn’t come.  However, time takes time, and I think it’s important to allow each of our family members their own time frame for adjustment.

If you have experience or insights with living in a culture different from one you were raised in, I’d love it if you shared!  How long did it take you to really feel like part of your new culture?  Did you ever really make the transition?  Whether you did or didn’t, what do you think were the critical factors for your experience?

Avivah

We initially thought to go to Tzfat last week, but dd15 had a school commitment that she didn’t want to back out of, so we pushed our trip off for a week.  This worked out to be a fortuitous arrangement, since that weekend was extremely cold and wet, and it would have literally put a real ‘damper’ on our trip!

We rescheduled for this week, but not having been here long, didn’t think to consider the consequences of planning for something around the beginning of the Hebrew month of Adar.  All of a sudden, all the kids had parties and trips planned for exactly these few days!  I was a little dismayed, since I really was looking forward to a few days of togetherness with our family.  We had planned to leave on Thursday, but pushed this off until early afternoon on Friday, to accomodate the Thursday activities, and then resigned myself to the fact that some of us would have to leave early.  I miss the days of everyone being on the same schedule….

After some research and deliberation, we realized it would be less expensive to rent a van for a couple of days than pay for bus fares for everyone on the way there (some of us later took the bus home).  In between the week we had been invited for originally and this weekend, dh had gotten a job and wouldn’t be able to be with us for more than Shabbos.  Dd11 had a two day trip to Mt. Hermon (the location for snow activities in Israel) Sun/Mon and dd17 had a three day school trip Mon/Tues/Wed.  Ds13 missed a lot of school when his best friend was here and didn’t want to miss anymore (though he decided in the end to stay on with me in Tzfat).   So those kids planned to travel back home with dh on Saturday night.

It was nice being able to drive there, since we had sleeping bags and a box of food supplies that we wouldn’t have been able to take on the bus (I would have shopped at the local grocery if I couldn’t have done this).  It just made everything so much easier!  It took just 45 minutes to get from Karmiel to Tzfat.  When we got there, our hostess served everyone homemade pizza (I told her before coming that since I know what a hectic time this can be, I was coming prepared to take care of providing this meal for us), and this was a nice treat for the kids.

After that, we unpacked our stuff.  First I have to share about our accommodations, which were the first big step to our wonderful visit, and something that continued to enhance every single day there.  The vacation until we had is in the first straw bale home ever built in Israel.   There was a large bedroom for the children with four beds and two additional mattresses that our hosts put in for us.  We brought sheets but they provided blankets and pillows, which was a huge help since those things would have been so bulky to bring along.  There was a smaller bedroom with two single beds.  Dh and I took the smaller room, and ds2 slept with me.  For Shabbos, a couple of the kids doubled up on one bed; after that, everyone had their own bed (except me, since ds2 was happy to keep me as his familiar bed partner while we were there).

There was a small kitchenette and eating area, a bathroom, and a large covered outdoor porch, where the kids played with games and toys that we borrowed from our hosts, and where we also gathered to eat together on our last day when it was really warm outside.

While we were unpacking, the littles quickly made themselves at home.  The property is at the end of a street, backing up to a mountain, and there was so much space and freedom for them to wander around the property.  The view is simply amazing – they are at the edge of a cliff and all buildings are below their home, so the view is unobstructed and you can see the mountains all around you.  (You can get a tiny peek of the view here – imagine that one mountain you see multiplied by them all around.)   I see beautiful views often in Israel, but this one was incredible.  Ds4 was walking with me on the lower level of the property, stopped and looked out at the view, and said, “It’s so boo-tiful here, Mommy!”

They usually have dairy goats, which I would have loved for the kids to see and interact with, but they were temporarily away and wouldn’t be back until the following week.  I also had hopes of buying some raw goats’ milk while staying there, which obviously wasn’t possible!  There was a chicken running around the front yard, which ds5 began chasing (our hostess told him he’s welcome to chase her, that the reason she’s the only one of their chickens that wasn’t killed by stray dogs or mongooses is because she’s so fast); the chicken never seemed to mind and the littles who chased her during our days there had fun, too.  They enjoyed their dog, were fascinated by their parakeets and cockatiel, and when one of the littles saw the guinea pig, told me that ‘they have a rat’ in a cage.

Mostly there was plenty of time and space for them to run around, and they enjoyed meeting the children of our hosts, who they spent hours playing outside with.  I knew that living in an apartment and constantly being aware of noise levels was a bit wearing on me, and while we were in Tzfat,  I really recognized how much tension this has caused me – because all of that was totally gone.  I appreciated this literally every time one of us moved a chair or dropped something, that I wasn’t feeling the need to monitor all of our daily life sounds.

The boys played lots of ball, climbed the mountainous cliff behind the house, and ds5 brought me ‘sour stuff’ to eat’ – he learned to identify wild growing sorrel.  Yes, we did other things and I’ll share more about that in my next post, but they were pretty much outside all day long, and when it was time for bed, they were asleep within a few minutes.

Avivah

On Tuesday night, I was ready to leave for a class on parenting, and said to my kids, “I’m leaving to my parenting class in a few minutes”.  Dd17 looked up and said, “Oh, nice.  Are you giving it in English or Hebrew?”   She hadn’t heard that I’m obligated to attend these for the program that ds9 will be participating in at school!

>>I wonder what you think of the parenting classes? Are they totally different than the way you successfully run the home? Can you give one instead to fill your obligation?<<

I’ve only attended one class so far, so I can’t really judge.  The teacher is very nice and everything she said was good.  I didn’t feel the topic was especially compelling to me, since she was talking most of the time about report cards and how to help our children not feel their value was totally determined by grade.  Personally, I don’t especially value report cards and my kids haven’t yet internalized the message that these are the end all and be all of who they are as people, so this isn’t much of an issue in our house.  But I think the reminder to reflect back to our children their good qualities is a good one and this is what I took home with me.  I really enjoy hearing lectures in Hebrew since I hear vocabulary that isn’t used in day to day conversations, so it helps me boost my language skills.

What I think defines how I approach parenting is two things: a) I’m very strongly a developmentalist versus a behaviorist, and try to understand where the root of an issue is coming from,  rather than get distracted by the misbehavior.  b)  I have a very strong focus on the importance of emotional connection as a critical factor in development.  I’ve read many, many parenting books over the years, but I’ve only seen these mirrored (and definitely expounded on) in what I’ve read/learned from Dr. Gordon Neufeld.  This is why I loved it when I found his book six years ago – I kept telling my husband, ‘he’s saying what I’ve been saying!’ – and have invested in his parent training dvds just because I wanted to have an expanded understanding of the principles he talks about.  He provided me with a deepened intellectual understanding of why what I was doing as a parent was effective, which took it from ‘this is what I do that works for me’ to ‘this is how anyone can be effective in different situations than mine’.

Afterward, the teacher told me she heard that I had ‘learned how to teach parenting’ and said she hoped that I wouldn’t be bored.  I told her what I’ll say here – just because you already know something, doesn’t mean it’s not helpful to hear it again from a different perspective.  If we did even a fraction of the things we knew we should do as parents, we’d all be amazing!

After the other parenting lecture I attended at the beginning of the week, a couple of mothers shared with me their discouragement about realizing how far they were from their ideals, and said they couldn’t imagine that was an issue for me.  As if any of us has perfect control of ourselves all the time!!  Of course I make mistakes (every single day!), I say things I shouldn’t, and more often, say the right things but in the wrong way.  I’ve also had the  same feelings sometimes, of falling short of where I want to be.  We parents are so busy that it’s hard to constantly pause and respond to our children the way we should.  So I appreciated that lecture as well, which talked about the importance of body language over the spoken content of what we say.

I was asked before leaving the US if I’d continue giving classes via telephone to women from my past classes, and said I’d seriously consider it.  I really thought within 8 weeks that I’d restart my teaching.  Then I got here, and I felt like I needed to put my emotional energy into being available for my kids, not talking about it!  I didn’t want to be telling others what to do when we might be facing parenting issues we would have to struggle to figure out, and it’s critical to me that I share from a position of personal integrity.  The lectures that are most meaningful and helpful to me are when I sense the teacher and their material are one, and that’s the person I want to be.  I’m not inspired by great speaking skills or presentation, when I sense that someone can say the right things but isn’t really living it.

(That reminds me of a lecture I attended years ago.  There was a large crowd of at least two hundred women, and afterward I went up to the very well-known speaker and chatted with her.   I was implementing a strategy on a daily basis that she recommended during her talk, so I wanted to share with her what I was doing – and that’s when she told me she read about the idea but that she didn’t do any of it herself.  Then she asked about where my kids were in school, and when I told her we homeschooled, she exclaimed, “I’d have gone crazy if I had to be around my kids all day  How can you stand it?!”   This isn’t an unfamiliar sentiment that I’ve heard expressed, but to hear it from someone who just inspired a large auditorium of women about personal development and advises many others on parenting made me feel that she was speaking about ideas that had only superficially impacted her as a person.)

I felt my kids might go through a difficult time and wanted them to have the privacy of their experiences without people expecting more of them because their mother is a parenting advisor.  And for myself, I did something that I thought would give me more emotional space to have my own transitional experience, and that was, I purposely masked my strengths as a parent and educator so that I wouldn’t feel pressure to be a role model for anyone.

A couple of women who came with their families to our home for Shabbos meals commented on some things they saw in our home and asked about how we got those results, and I answered something vague like, “We’ve been lucky, they’re good kids.”  When two local women asked me if I would give parenting classes (not knowing this is something I’ve done), I casually dismissed it and changed the topic.

All of this made sense to me at the time – I had so much emotionally to deal with when moving here, that I didn’t want to do it with me or my children under the spotlight of raised expectations.  As it is, I’ve found that almost none of the teachers or principals have a real understanding of how difficult it  is for immigrant children to make a huge lifestyle transition here that goes beyond just learning the language.

A couple of weeks ago, someone said she felt I would be a good person to facilitate the discussion group of a video shiur that will be starting next month.  Someone else overheard and strongly added her agreement.  A little light in my heart flared and I felt so happy inside at the idea of sharing in a wider forum again.  These last couple of weeks, I’ve been reflecting on all of this and I wonder if I made a mistake.  Or maybe it’s more accurate to say, maybe it’s time to reevaluate this approach.    What I did made a lot of sense, and I do think it created the space for everyone to have their process.  But at the same time, I cut myself off from something that is integral to my nature, that gives me inner light and happiness, while socially cutting myself off from being able to share an integral aspect of who I am with those I come into contact personally.

My realization this week is how deeply intrinsic to my emotional and spiritual makeup is the desire to empower and inspire others, to share meaningful and significant ideas that are of practical value.  And though there is sometimes the pressure of the expections from others (and worse, myself!), and there is the work of organizing material for presentation, overall it’s something that fills me up rather than depletes me.  I think that consciously avoiding letting anyone see this part of me, while it felt easier in the beginning, in the long run was in large part responsible for the feelings of discouragement and loneliness that I was feeling a couple of months ago.

It’s true that it was compounded by extreme tiredness of the first trimester,  transitioning to life in a new country, the cold weather, making a bar mitzva far away from family and friends in a community we haven’t yet made many significant relationships in – but I wasn’t giving my inner sense of mission and purpose expression in my day to day interactions, or even in my own heart.

What does this mean practically?  It really would take a lot of work for me to re-create all of my classes – I left behind all of my notes (part of the brutal decluttering process that got us here!), and when I did this, I relied on the fact I have recordings of my classes.  But honestly, I don’t have lots of extra time to sit around and take notes on myself!   So I’m not sure what I’ll do or when I’ll do it.  Maybe I’ll sit with this until after Pesach (Passover) and the longer days of warmth and light return!

However, I believe that clarity about what really is important to you is critical, and having this realization about myself gave me a boost that made me feel like myself again.  Now that my eyes are open and I’m being honest with myself about what I really love, I’ll be able to recognize opportunities for self-expression that I’ve been consciously closing the door on until now.

Avivah

This past week I attended a special party at ds5’s kindergarten, as the gala event following weeks of learning about Yerushalayim (Jerusalem).   It was only for mothers and the children in the kindergarten, but the day of the party the teacher told me that I was welcome to bring my older girls.  They were happy to come along and share in their little brother’s excitement about his special party – there have been lots of preparations going on in his class!

It was beautifully set up, and what was unusual for Israel is that the children made everything – often you see a huge amount of teacher decoration and wonder where the kids’ part was.  This particular teacher is extremely good; she and I have very similar ideas about education at this age.  She does lots of educational games, integrates writing and math into the games, and so on, so the kids think of learning as fun.

Every corner of the classroom had different aspects of the Yerushalayim theme  – for example, one side had a model of the famous outdoor market, Machaneh Yehuda – the boys had made tiny miniature fruits and vegetables and fish from clay, rolls of fabric from small pieces of cloth.

Another corner had a replica of the Biblical Zoo, another was the transportation of Jerusalem and the boys built a city of blocks with roads and cars leading to it…all very nice.

Then the boys performed a few songs – they were so cute!  The teacher had put music on for them to sing with, and as I listened, I noticed the music was from an American boys’s choir, with the American accents singing Hebrew words.  I suddenly and unexpectedly got a big lump in my throat hearing those familiar accents.  An Israeli mother commented to during the singing that ds5 was singing just like an Israeli, and he really was!  He was very cute as he did the hand motions to accompany the songs.

Light refreshments were provided, and a couple of mothers brought themed cakes for the party – here’s one that was decorated as the Western Wall.  I enjoy baking but my creativity in doing stuff like this is very low!

This is the second time that all the mothers have had an opportunity to meet, and with time, these are people that I would look forward to getting to know over the years as we would continue to meet for school events.  However, it looks like I’ll be sending ds5 to a different school next year than most of his peers.  Seriously, I don’t think that making a decision about first grade should be so heart wrenching.  But it is, and not because I’m overemotionalizing about it.

Maybe I’ll write another post about the social realities here, the fear people have about sending to a school that’s different than their neighbors, the frustration I feel that everyone – everyone – that I’ve spoken to about the concerns I have regarding the popular local boys’ school choice seems to agree with me but practically still keep their kids in the same educational framework…

For now, I’ll say just that going to these events is a bittersweet feeling; I hope that in the future we won’t be viewed as no longer belonging socially in the same way we do now.

Avivah

I wanted to upload the very fun video of this special surprise for ds13, and waited until dd17 was available since I wanted her help with editing it before posting.  Unfortunately, tonight she told me when she loaded the video along with all of the pictures from the bar mitzva onto her computer, there was a snafu and everything was deleted.  This really feels like a loss to me (and dd’s even more upset about it than me); the video captured a very special memory, and the pictures from the bar mitzva were the first ones of our family all together for over a year and a half which I had also looked forward to sharing here.  But I can still verbally describe the surprise to you!

Ds13 has been best friends with a certain boy since he was five years old.  It was very hard for him to say goodbye when we left America, and as a final parting comment to ds, his friend said with a big smile, “See you in a few months at the bar mitzva!”  Little did I know that this twelve year old really meant it.

He got a job every day after school and started saving all the money he earned towards his ticket.  He earned a substantial amount, and family members contributed the rest, knowing about his relationship with ds.  He arrived in Israel on Thursday, then was picked up from the airport by a relative.  Later in the afternoon, he traveled by bus from Jerusalem to here with the daughter of a very good friend of mine who is studying here for the year, who was also coming for the bar mitzva.

(By the way, this arrangement was made totally without my involvement or mentioning any names or details to either of the parties involved, which was wild.  This young lady mentioned her plans for the weekend to the daughter of a friend of ds13’s best friend’s grandmother – or something like that – and someone along the line figured out that the twelve year old boy coming from the US was going to the same bar mitzva as this girl, so they arranged for him to meet her so he wouldn’t have to travel alone.  The statistical likelihood of this connection being made in the few hours after his arrival is very small, but it just goes to show what a small country this is!)

So ds’s friend called to ask me what the scenario for the surprise would be, and I told him it was his surprise, and he should tell me what he wanted to do.  We worked out that dd17 and ds13 would meet the bus a few minutes after it arrived, giving his friend a chance to hide and then trail them back to our house.  Then he would knock at the door, I’d have ds answer it, and voila – the surprise!

But then I thought, what if his friend lost sight of them?  I didn’t want him to get lost on the way!  So I slightly rearranged it so that dd15 would leave a few minutes early, meet the friend, and then they’d wait together a few minutes for the the other two kids to meet the seminary girl.  And, I thought, if ds answered the door, none of the rest of us would be able to see his reaction.  So I’d have to have his friend come into the main living area where we’d all see the reunion.

I asked him to call when he arrived so I could send dd15 to meet him, and he did.  I sent everyone out as planned, staggering it so ds13 wouldn’t see dd15 going out, but when they got to the bus stop, no one was there!  They finally came home without our guests; a short time later our guests called, it turns out they’d gotten off a stop early and gone into the local mall.

So we sent everyone out again.  Dd17 and ds13 returned with the suitcase of both guests (ds thinking they both belonged to the girl – I told him he should go along to help bring everything), and then a few minutes later, there was a muffled knock at the door.  I answered it, and there was his friend!  I motioned him to come in, and went back to the living room without giving any indication of anything.  Ds13 was on the couch looking at a magazine, not having heard the light tapping at the door.

His friend waited a couple of minutes while peering out at ds from around the wall of the entrance hallway, suddenly dashed toward him on the couch, jumping with a big plop next to him with his arm around his shoulders.  Ds13 got a slightly annoyed look, as if, ‘which of my little siblings is pestering me now?’, and looked up to tell whoever it was to stop.  And then he looked right into his best friend’s face!  He was so shocked that he looked almost dazed, then gave him a big hug while he kept repeating, “Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?”

It was really beautiful; in the video you could see ds18 in the background watching with a big smile, and my mom smiling on the sidelines, but all of us watching had big smiles.  The older girls knew about the surprise for a while, and ds18 learned about it when they all went out to meet the bus.  Watching this video afterwards, I got very choked up, and so did my mom.  Dd17, who videoed their meeting,without knowing what was going to happen, managed to catch all of it from the beginning to end, and you could really feel the emotion of it all, even without sound.

I’ll share more about the bar mitzva in my next post, but to say it enhanced the occasion for ds13 would be minimize the experience.  My older kids said that it’s strange that while so much has changed and we’re living in Israel now, somehow it seems perfectly normal to see the two of them together here – it’s just the same as always, but in a different country!

This morning they left to spend a few days in Jerusalem together – they gave us a basic itinerary of what they want to do, but I’m sure that wherever they go, they’ll have an amazing time together!

Avivah