Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • And the final school decision…

    >>So DS9 is still home? Is that hard for him being the only “school-aged” kid at home?<<

    From the time we first thought about moving to Israel and discussed which kids might benefit from going to school, ds9 was the one child that I had absolutely no question about.  I felt for the following reasons that sending him to an Israeli school would be throwing him to the wolves:

    – As an auditory learner, his reading skills are weak; we had this with dd15 who went on to excel at a later age so we aren’t concerned; however,  since their primary sense that’s engaged isn’t visual, reading is a later start for them.  This is understandable but he wouldn’t be anywhere near the Israeli kids in Hebrew reading ability.

    – His nature is very sensitive and gentle.  Israeli kids are notoriously not known for these qualities.

    – He tends to easily get frustrated and overwhelmed when faced with something he didn’t understand, and this sometimes leads to tears.  Not a good thing for a nine year old boy, particularly for one who is tall and looks like he’s about 12.

    – His strengths of personality are the kind that aren’t quickly and easily seen; he has a depth of perception and compassion, a gentle and caring spirit, and an artistic and musical bent – but this doesn’t lend itself to playground play, and when combined with the above tendency, I was afraid he would be targeted by bullies.

    So when we decided to send everyone else to school, I felt really good about the idea of having him home to build up his reading skills one on one, to give him lots of time and attention, to build our relationship and use the opportunity to build his confidence in his abilities.

    But then I thought about what his self-perception would be about everyone being in school except for him.  As I contemplated this, I realized that he could easily internalize the message that someone is wrong with him, that we don’t think he can make it in school like everyone else.  And I remembered a story Steven Covey (of the Seven Habits) shared regarding one of his children:

    He had a child who was socially very awkward, physically clumsy and uncoordinated, and immature in pretty much every way.  When his siblings would make fun of him, his parents would tell them, “Leave him alone, can’t you see he’s doing his best?”  And then they’d tell him encouraging things to build him up.  One day, though, they realized that despite their words to him, deep in themselves they felt he was lacking.  And no matter what words they were using, the deeper disbelief in his abilities was being communicated to him.

    So he and his wife made a decision to see him as capable and treat him as such, to stop protecting him so much and give him a chance to find his own strengths.  As he grew up and matured, he turned into a wonderful young man who was skilled in all of the areas that he seemed so weak in.

    When thinking of keeping ds9 at home, part of my concern was that he couldn’t be successful in school at this time (though at a later age I wouldn’t be worried).   And no matter how positively I presented to him that he’d continue homeschooling, I recognized that part of my underlying feeling about his ability wasn’t fully supportive of who he is, regardless of my words to myself otherwise. Not only that, he would feel different than all of his siblings, and in a way that would be damaging to his sense of self.

    And so a week ago, I took ds9 to meet the principal of a local boys’ school.  (None of my kids thought this was a good idea, and ds12 went so far as to repeatedly warn me that it was a really bad idea.)  Ds9 wasn’t interested, but my repeated message to him was that I thought he’d gain a lot out of school.  You could kind of say I took a tough love approach.  🙂  I was very impressed with the principal, and liked the school philosophy, which is more similar to mine in terms of attitudes towards religious inclusion and focus on character than most Israeli schools.

    I also met his teacher, who was very, very highly spoken of as an extremely warm and experienced teacher, and met the person who would be his personal tutor, to help him get a handle on the language.  I liked when the tutor told me that the focus of the school for the first six months wouldn’t be on academics at all, but on helping him get the language and acclimate – this is exactly my focus at this time, and I appreciated that I wouldn’t have to argue with the administration about how much academics to push.

    This isn’t the school that ds12 is going to and though it’s a very good school, isn’t where people expect us to send our kids, but I had a very strong feeling that this is where ds9 would thrive.  At this school they are better equipped to handle olim (new immigrants), have a wider academic and extracurricular program, and have a shorter school day.  And putting him in a different school from his older brother meant he would have the chance to define himself, away from any comparison to his socially, athletically, and academically gifted older brother and the threat of the shadow from below of his similarly gifted younger brother.

    When I dropped him off the next morning for his first day, his eyes started filling up with tears, and I told him, “I know it won’t be easy to not be able to understand what’s going on around you.  But every single one of your siblings (then I detailed each one) is having the same challenge – none of them understand anything in their classes either.  It won’t be easy but you’re going to do great.  If you need anything, tell your teacher or someone else; you’re got to tell people what’s wrong so they can help you.  You can’t start crying.  Don’t worry about speaking in Hebrew; your teacher understands English and lots of the kids have learned some English in school, too.  You’re going to do great!”

    So he wiped his eyes and I left to take ds4 to his first day of school (Friday).  All day I was thinking about ds9 and wondering how he did, but inside myself I really felt he was going to do well.  I wasn’t thinking about all the reasons it would be hard that had kept me from considering school as a positive option for him until this point, but about what a great kid he was and this would be a chance for him to find his inner strength.  I needed to reflect his strengths to him, not my fears about his weaknesses, and my decision to send him to school reflected an inner shift that I had made.

    He came home from his first day of school surprisingly happy.  It’s been amazing to me to see the positive changes in him in just a week – he’s much more relaxed, positive, helpful, and feels so good about himself.  His entire aura has shifted in a hugely positive way, something I wasn’t anticipating but am so, so grateful for!

    So that winds up our decision making process regarding sending the kids to school!  (For this year – I don’t consider this a forever decision,but as always, an educational choice that we will continue to evaluate and assess each year.)  It was pretty intense as dh and I discussed every single child one by one, and one by one made the decision for each of them.  It would have definitely simplified the registration process if we had decided to send them all at one time, so that I didn’t have to make repeated visits to the schools.  🙂  But though it wasn’t the efficient way to do it, it was the right way to do it for us.

    It’s been a really big and unexpected shift for me to go from eleven years of homeschooling all of our children (seven at home last year and nine at home the year before), to having just ds2 at home with me.  It was because I knew we’d homeschool that I felt confident about making the move to Israel with so many older school aged children, and so it’s particularly ironic to me that we’re not homeschooling now that we’re here!  But I have a deep sense of peace about this decision now, and am glad I was able to set aside my own ego and preferences to do what was best for my kids.

    Avivah

  • Loving difficult people

    >>I am really struggling in my life with my relationship with a few people. I will have to say my nature finds it much easier to write them off and be done with them, but I don’t think that’s the right thing.  I know that I don’t have to be best friends with these people or even spend a lot of time with them, but I really struggle with my anger and frustration with them. <<

    I’ve held off on responding to this for a while, since it’s been an issue I personally had to deal with pretty intensely fairly recently.  I was told by someone that I’m an abusive, cruel, unfeeling person, and that every single interaction we’ve had in the many years we’ve known one another is proof of this – it was shocking to me to see even the nicest things I’ve done for this person (and there were a lot) twisted into proof for her criticisms.

    I had to work hard to find peace of mind about this situation – I don’t think this is something a person can resolve at a core level without the willingness to go beyond one’s emotional comfort zone, and though I’ve made a lot of progress, I think I’ll continue to be faced with challenges in this arena that will push me to grow to a higher level of acceptance for her.  What I’m sharing is what I’ve found helpful, but very much isn’t coming from someone who has ‘arrived’; I have to consciously work to detach when thoughts about what’s been said come into my mind.  With the Jewish month of Elul just begun, a unique time in which introspection and self-improvement is a focus, it seems like an especially good time to share some thoughts on this issue.  Additionally, I received two calls on this same issue in the last few weeks, and I think this is something that most of us have to grapple with at some time in our lives.

    – I’ve found it helpful to realize that it’s really not about me and what I do or don’t do, even if that’s what is being expressed.  It’s about the person and their pain.  I have a tendency to think that if I just try hard enough, it can be worked out.  Sometimes you really have done something to hurt someone and an amends is in order, but sometimes, nothing you do will make the situation better.  In this case, I tried to empathize with her pain, then move on.

    – It’s important to have healthy boundaries with people like this, who can be energy vampires; they suck positive energy from those around them.  Be respectful, be kind – but respect and protect your emotional boundaries.

    – Don’t make the mistake of thinking that better communication is the answer.  Often in these circumstances, communication becomes a power struggle rather than an honest way for two people to clarify their thoughts and feelings.

    – ‘What kind of person do I want to be?’  This is something I repeatedly asked myself when deciding how to respond to hurtful comments.  I sometimes felt a strong desire to respond in kind to what was done/said to me, but that would have been moving away from the person I hope to one day be.

    – Don’t let others keep you from seeing the beauty in yourself.  When people are critical and judgmental of you, it can cause you to doubt yourself, to start to think that you really are the cause of the problems or difficulties that they claim are your fault.  They are entitled to their opinions, but they don’t have the right to keep you from shining your light out.

    – Pray for them. If you don’t feel like doing this (I didn’t), pray for the desire to pray for them.  Prayer is very powerful and whether it consciously affects them or not, it changes your feelings inside of being a victim of their actions to being a person who rises above that.  A simple but powerful prayer that I first read in a book by Kay Sheppard is, “Bless them, change me”.  Ask for help in responding appropriately, for using this as a positive growth experience.

    – Look for the good in them.  Everyone has positive qualities.  Find them, and focus on them.  It doesn’t take away the pain of dealing with difficult people, but it keeps you from being consumed by bitterness.  The more we focus on finding light, the more darkness we can push away.

    Are there things you’ve found to be helpful when dealing with difficult people?  Please share them!

    Avivah

  • Finding a lost little girl

    On Sunday, dh and I went to Jerusalem, along with ds18.  Dh and I needed to sign the final paperwork for our mortgage (thank G-d, finally complete – it was delayed because the person handling it was on vacation and they wouldn’t release the file to anyone else to work on so we had to wait until he returned from the vacation!!), and though ds18 was accepted to his yeshiva without an interview based on the strength of his recommendations, they said it would be nice if he could come in before the term officially begins.

    The bus ride from Karmiel to Jerusalem is almost three hours, which allowed us a nice amount of time to rest, read, and wonder why they don’t have bathrooms on these long distance buses.  🙂  Once we got there, we took care of the bank paperwork, then decided we’d have lunch before going over to ds’s yeshiva.

    We couldn’t find a schwarma shop, which is what we wanted, so we finally settled on a pizza place.  There was a young couple there with two young children, and as we were getting ready to leave, I noticed the little girl, maybe four years old, was crying for her mother.  So I went over to see what was wrong and – her parents had left the pizza shop and forgotten her behind.  I went out to the busy street to find them, hoping I would remember what they looked like, but no luck.  Meanwhile, I was reassuring their little girl that we’d find them soon and not to worry.

    I went back to the pizza shop and asked the owners if he remembered what the parents looked like, and he told me they were driving a red car.  I went back out, along with someone else who by then had gotten concerned about the situation, and spotted a red car about a block away.  The other woman pushed the little girl in that direction and told her to run to her car, but I was uncomfortable abdicating responsibility without seeing an adult actively taking charge of her so I stayed to keep an eye on her.

    A moment later, her mother came driving up and her father came from somewhere else and spoke to her.  The other person grasped what happened before I did, and told me: they hadn’t accidentally forgotten her.  They told her it was time to leave, but she didn’t want to go.  So they purposely left without her, while the father stood out of sight in a nearby storefront to keep an eye on her.

    Regarding the backdrop of this mini-drama, we weren’t in a quiet residential neighborhood.  We were in a very, very busy area by a four lane highway, and besides the obvious safety concerns, it would have frightened someone much older to have been left in an unfamiliar place like that.  I have a four year old and can only imagine how terrified he would have been in that situation.

    When I realized that the father must have seen me walking back and forth searching for her parents with her crying next to me, but stayed hidden so he could teach his daughter a lesson, I was furious.   I’m a strong proponent of showing kids you mean what you say, following through, etc, but there’s a way to do it, and this wasn’t it.  To traumatize a young child like this and purposely let her think she was abandoned is horrific.

    I walked away when I saw the little girl was with her parents, but by the time I was half a block away, I was so upset about this situation that I strongly regretted that I hadn’t told her parents my thoughts on their misguided approach to parenting and discipline.  I really try not to be judgmental of what I see when I’m out – all of us are sometimes tired and cranky, and it’s not fair to judge people based on what might not be a typical parenting scenario for them.  But in this case, I felt very, very strongly that they had chosen a damaging approach to teach a lesson, and the lesson learned probably wasn’t quite the one they thought they were teaching.

    Children deeply need the security of knowing that their parents are there for them, will protect them and love them no matter what.   And as a parent, this isn’t an easy thing to consistently communicate.  But choosing a disciplinary approach like this is to actively teach a child that her parents can’t be trusted to be there for her.  Even as an adult, when people you’re depending on let you down, you’re going to be more reserved and cautious before making yourself vulnerable with them again.

    From their behavior in the pizza shop, I think these were nice people, definitely well-intended.  I’m positive they only wanted to show their daughter that she needed to listen to them when they told her something.  Sometimes we don’t have have accurate information or good advice to guide us, and we make sad mistakes like this.

    Avivah

  • Camping trip – day 1

    I’ve told you about preparing for our trip, now on to the fun of the trip itself!

    The state park we went to is one that we’ve gone to three times before – the last time we went camping at a different state park that had some less than pleasant surprises, we agreed we’d go back to our favorite campsite in the future.  The park is called Greenbriar State Park, in Boonsboro, MD, about an hour and a half away.  One thing we especially like about this park is that there’s a beach for swimming and fishing, in addition to the hiking trails.

    We usually choose the campsite closest to the path that leads to the lake, but since it was prime camping season when we went this time, our usual site would be in the middle of where everyone was walking.  We got there and told them we’d like to drive around and pick the site we liked before registering, and found a site we were really happy with.  The way the campgrounds are set up is like this:  in the center is a public bathroom.  Then in a ring around that are campsites, a ring around that is the road that people use to access the campsites, and then the final ring around it is campsites.

    We chose a site that was across from the bathroom (important in the middle of the night, when it’s nice to have an easily followed path), but on the outer loop.  Even though there were a lot of people camping when we got there, the sites across from us and on each side of us were empty.  On one side of our site was a forested area, with a stream running through – the kids could explore this huge area and I was able to easily keep them in sight the entire time.  There was a path from there to the fishing part of the beach, and since the entire time we were there we only once saw people there, it was like our personal path and forest.  It really didn’t feel that different from when we’re the only people there!

    The first thing we did when we got there was to set up both tents.  I had wanted to bring only one (keeping it simple!)  but the kids asked to take both, so I agreed on condition the site we chose had room for them.  I took ds2 for a walk to the lake while the older kids set up the tents – he was out of sorts from sleeping in the car and being woken up abruptly, so keeping him happily occupied made things more pleasant for everyone.  Ds3 and ds5 explored the stream and forest next to the site in the meantime, and then everyone collected firewood.

    When I got back, the tents were up, the campfire was going, and a lot of the things unpacked.  I heard a distant rumble and asked the kids if they heard anything.  It was sunny and nice out, and they said they thought it was an airplane.  I wasn’t so sure, and when I heard the distant rumble again a couple of minutes later, I told them we needed to get the rain flys on the tents.  As they were putting it on, I was racing to get all the gear into the tent with the better rain cover, and put away all the food and supplies that had been unpacked.  Ds12 told me he didn’t see any point, that it wasn’t going to rain and if it did, it would take at least a half hour until it got there.  I told him we’d need it and to get it up fast; not even a minute later the wind started to blow and I warned the kids that a storm was coming fast – and within a minute of saying that, the rain started to pour.  (This was about five minutes from when the sky looked clear and the rumble had been so distant that we could hardly make it out.)

    The rain fly on the main tent wasn’t fully on yet, but it mostly was so it stayed dry as ds12 and dd14 worked to get it totally on.  Then they put on the fly for the other tent – I told them to forget about it and come inside the first tent, but I think they were enjoying working in the pouring rain together.  🙂  We had started a campfire for dinner, planning to cook hamburgers, but our fire was quenched by the rain; even after the storm was over, the forest was soaked so there was no dry wood to be found.  So I brought sliced bread, butter, jam, and canned vegetables into the tent to have for dinner instead.

    After the storm cleared, we decided to take a walk to the beach, so everyone got into their bathing suits (except me and dd14 – she no longer has a modest bathing suit that fits, and mine is a maternity one so I wasn’t going to wear that).  When we got to the beach, we were the only people there – they closed the beach for 90 minutes because of the storm, so all the day visitors who were there left.  We were the first ones on the beach after the beach reopened, and after that only two other families came (who were also camping there), so we each had our own spacious section of the beach to ourselves.  I hadn’t been sure we’d be able to go to the beach at all since it’s such a popular place in the summer, and not exactly filled with modestly clad people.  So this was really, really a nice bonus resulting from the storm.

    We got out a few minutes before 9 pm and headed back to the campsite.  Since it was almost dark, I said it was time for bed.  But ds12 wanted to get the campfire started – he said it didn’t feel like a camping trip without a campfire – and the littles didn’t want to stay in the tent when they could hear the action all around them.  Dd10 figured out how to get the hurricane lamp working (the second lamp was defective), and between that and the electric lantern we had, we had some dim light at the campsite.

    I started our new readaloud by Joan Aiken, The Serial Garden, which was easy to get into, and easy to see thanks to the camping headlight that I strapped to my forehead!  When it was just a few minutes to ten, I told ds12 he had four minutes to get the fire started and then it was bedtime for everyone.

    Remarkably, after almost an hour of trying, he got it started in those few minutes, and we all sat around singing together.  (Every time we go camping, I think that we should make a booklet of songs that we like to sing that we could pass out, but I haven’t yet done that.)  After about an hour, I put the littles to bed (or should I say, to sleeping bag?), and went to sleep myself.  The kids had asked if I could stay in one tent with the littles so that they could have a ‘party’ tent, and I agreed.  I didn’t have a very restful night, since ds2 and ds3 kept waking up and being frightened since they didn’t know where they were, so I would quickly wake up each time to reassure them. I heard the middles and dd14 drying out their tent and then talking together until late into the night.

    Avivah

  • Camping trip preparations

    We’re back from our fantastic camping trip!

    Usually we go camping the first weekend after Memorial Day, when the season opens but no one is there yet so we have the campgrounds to ourselves.  This year that weekend coincided with the Torah Home Education Conference, and the following two weeks I was busy with lots of doctor and dental visits – and then it was in the prime of camping season with lots of people out, so we missed our chance.

    But as we were talking about going through the garage and selling all the stuff in it, I was feeling like I really wanted to go camping one more time before we moved.  I asked dh about it, and he said he didn’t have any vacation days to use, so he couldn’t do it.  Last year no one wanted to go camping because they felt it would be so much work with the littles, but this year, the littles are 2, 3.5, and 5, which (in my opinion) makes the dynamic a bit easier.  Then again, we wouldn’t have the help of dh, ds18, or dd16 – in short, the most heavily involved organizers of past trips.  But I felt it would be a good opportunity for the middles to step up and into the roles of responsibility.  There’s also the bonding factor in camping that I wanted us to share before we move – we’ve noticed on past trips that there’s very little interpersonal friction when we’re camping; something about being in the outdoors all day and doing what you need to do consumes all of the available energy in a constructive way.

    So I ran the idea of a trip on our own, with minimal preparation, by the kids.  All of the kids liked the idea, except for dd14.  She said we have so much to do to get ready to move that it would be too much pressure to pack for this trip, then have to unpack – just too much work.  I told her we’d keep it really simple (she was skeptical about this – she said I always say that!), but if she would rather stay home, it was fine with me.  She opted to come along.

    The check-in time for the state park we chose was at 3 pm, so I figured we’d leave at 1 pm.  We started preparing for the trip that morning, since dh had worked late on Sunday night and we didn’t have the car to pack into.

    Camping gear – So Monday morning, we pulled out two tents, seven sleeping bags, and three camping pads from the garage.  I told the kids if we didn’t have something, we’d have to manage without it – we were short a sleeping bag, so I said the three littles could share two sleeping bags between them (two sleeping bags can zip together to create a double size sleeping bag). They took out the camping stove and a few bottles of propane, which ds then checked – all empty.  They told me we could exchange it at Walmart – but I said, nope, we’re keeping it simple and I’m not making an extra trip.  Then they said the campground might be able to exchange them (the one we went to last time did), so we took the empties along.  Turned out this campground didn’t sell propane, so we did all of our cooking directly over the campfire.  Most of the flashlights and lanterns needed batteries, so we didn’t take them since….. right, keeping things simple.  We took along a couple of hurricane lamps and torch fuel instead.  I told the kids if we couldn’t work out the light situation, we’d go to sleep when it got dark, and manage with the light of the moon and whatever shone out from the public bathroom.

    Food – Packing food for the trip was super simple – I went to my pantry and started pulling down jars and cans – home canned cherries, mandarin oranges, pineapple, home canned butter and jams, pickles, corn, green beans, pickle relish, ketchup, mustard, oats, sucanat.  Then to the freezer – bagels, hot dog and hamburger buns, bagels, sliced bread, cottage cheese, sour cream, hot dogs, and ground beef.  And then we took some cukes and tomatoes from the fridge – and that was it, except for a trip to the store for smores fixings – which I don’t keep around the house. (Breakfast – fruit, oatmeal, milk/cottage cheese; lunch – sandwiches with butter and jam, cukes and tomatoes; dinner – hot dogs or hamburgers with corn, green beans.)

    Clothing – I told everyone to take one outfit in addition to what they were wearing, and a bathing suit.  Since it’s July, I didn’t think sweatshirts would be necessary.

    Misc supplies – matches, dish soap, large bucket (for hauling water), garbage bags, can openers, paper plates, plastic cups, and silverware.

    Fun stuff – since we didn’t have three family members with us, we were able to take out the front bench in the van.  This gave us more space than usual, so we were able to take along two adult bikes and helmets.  We took three pairs of roller blades, two fishing rods and tackle, and a big floaty toy in case we went to the beach.  We took along two books so we’d have something to choose from for a read aloud.

    Adopting the attitude of managing with what we had kept the preparations simple and low stress.  Usually I’d go out to buy everything we’d need, and have an impeccable detailed list of things to take, and that feels kind of stressful.  We cut out all the pressure by adopting the attitude that we’d manage with what we had.  This is an attitude that in general that makes life easier, but when on a family trip, is especially valuable since you could easily otherwise get irritated about not having what you want with you!  And for us, this trip wouldn’t have happened without this attitude, because I would have felt too overwhelmed with all that I’m already doing to have taken on planning for a family trip as well.  🙂

    Avivah

  • Camping trip 2011

    Gone camping.  And maybe fishing.  Definitely biking, roller blading, and maybe boating.

    It’s the first time I’ve gone camping by myself and without all the kids; dh didn’t have vacation days available, ds18 (had a birthday last week!) is in NY, dd16 is in Israel.  Should be interesting. 🙂

    Avivah

  • Not at camp…and loving it!

    “Are your kids going to camp this summer?”

    No, they aren’t.  In the past few years, we’ve usually had one or two the older kids going to camp for two – four weeks, but this is the first year in the last five that no one is going at all.  I enjoy having my kids home and we’re used to spending time together, and though it can be initially be difficult for parents and children who are used to a lot of time apart to suddenly find themselves together all day, spending the summer together doesn’t raise my blood pressure. 🙂  Though the kids enjoy camp, they enjoy being home as well, so it’s not as if being home for the summer is an exercise in deprivation.

    I’m not in any way against sending kids to camp, as long as: a) they are old enough for it to be a positive experience; b) the atmosphere is a positive one; and c) I can afford it. 

    Today I was thinking today how nice it is now that the kids’ friends are all in camp and I don’t have the constant distractions that pull us in different directions.   Very recently I was disturbed to notice that my kids (the middles) were enjoying being with their friends more than their siblings.  I consider this to be upside-down, and it’s something I’m working on straightening out.  The last few days have been wonderful and I’m feeling very good about seeing things shift back to how they should be. 

    Today was a good example of how spending time together in a relaxed family framework is enjoyable.   We started our day by heading to the county fair; dd14 asked me if we could go this year since it will be our last time; it was a big part of her life when she was in 4H (as well as for dd16), and there are a lot of really nice memories they’ve had of being part of that experience.  Despite the heat, we all enjoyed it. 

    An NRA representative had a booth there and I paid a very minimal sum for dd10 and ds12 to  do some shooting with an air rifle (after getting some gun safety instruction).  Dd14 wanted to do some shooting but then noticed the male instructor was touching people on the arm to guide them so she decided to pass on it.  Ds12 and dd10 did great  – their accuracy went up very fast, and ds12 was invited to join their shooting club in January.  I don’t know if it was his obvious interest or how quickly his accuracy improved,  but whatever it was, if we would be living here, I would have tried to facilitate that, but obviously that won’t be an option.  🙂 

    Ds12 noticed a booth where you throw a ball and if you hit the target, it drops water balloons on the head of the volunteer manning the booth, and told me he thought ds3 and ds5 would enjoy it.  So I bought a ticket with three throws; ds5 threw it first and since it totally missed the entire target area, got another chance (he was standing far back where adults throw from, not close up like younger children).  He missed, but then ds3 threw it and it shockingly hit the target, but lightly so only one water balloon dropped out – but he was thrilled anyway!  Then ds12, the best baseball player in his entire league (no exaggeration, just being descriptive – he set a record) threw his ball, and was totally embarrassed to miss by a wide shot! 

    When ds5 ran to pick the ball up, he started to throw it again (not realizing that you had to pay for every throw), and the volunteer let him.  He hit the target but when the water balloons dropped out, they didn’t break!  So the volunteer told ds5 to throw the balloon directly at him.  He did, but it still didn’t break.  Then the volunteer threw it to ds5 (it didn’t break), ds5 threw it back – and at that point, ds took matters into his own hands by running over to the target and hitting it hard so that the balloons dropped out hard and finally soaked the volunteer.  Everyone there was laughing at the absurdity of unbreakable water balloons, and ds3 and ds5 loved it!  I hope that’s one of those nice memories that they’ll have even when they are much older. 

    The three littles received balloon creations of their choosing made by the balloon clown artist there, and we toured all the exhibits.  One exhibit was to name all the raw vegetables in a large bowl, then match them up to the processed products in cans.  The women in charge of the booth were very impressed that ds5 recognized every vegetable there – they said he was the first one of the day, including adults!  Which is kind of pathetic, really, since the vegetables weren’t so rare.  (Cabbage, beets, carrots, corn, cucumbers, peppers, zucchini, yellow squash, tomatoes, green beans, peas, onions, and maybe a couple of other things.) 

    The older kids enjoyed the goat show (dd14 found it most interesting since years ago she competed in sheep shows so she’s familiar with what’s involved), and the littles enjoyed seeing all the farm animals.  After our experience raising ducks last summer, viewing the adult ducks there was particularly interesting – dd10 noticed two ducks that were the same breeds we started with – a Swedish blue and Rouen.

    When we left, I asked the kids to vote on going home or going to a park a few miles away.  (We had very quickly packed some food for lunch just in case we were out longer than planned- ds12 at my bequest grabbed a couple of loaves of bread from the freezer, two jars of canned butter, and two jars of jam -so we had the flexibility to change plans on the spur of the moment since we didn’t have to go home for lunch.) They all voted on the park, and we got there in the heat of the day.

    We parked ourselves under the shade of some trees and started our picnic, and while we ate the only other family there left.  So we had the entire place to ourselves, and the kids had a great time together.  It was very relaxing for me, too.  We fortunately brought a lot of water with us, as well as a place to refill it, which was critical since it was really hot (did I mention that already? :))  We stayed for about three hours before finally heading home, and by that time it was just about time to get ready for dinner!

    Avivah

  • Why Karmiel?

    “I am just curious…why did you choose Karmiel?”

    I haven’t ever visited Karmiel, so everything that I’ll share is based on impressions gleaned from others.  I spent quite a bit of time thinking about the factors I felt would be most conducive to a positive transition for all of our family members to Israeli living, in the short and long term, before deciding on a community.  The main factors were were: religious environment, social environment, and affordability.  And basically Karmiel was the community that best met my criteria.

    Religious environment – The charedi (religiously conservative) communities tend to be heavily into conformity and this can be particularly hard for Anglo teens who are used to a more open and accepting kind of environment to adjust to.  I don’t believe forcing observance on kids is an effective approach, and I personally try to help them see meaning in a Torah way of life and a relationship with Hashem (G-d).  I was concerned that putting my children in a community where there is so much importance placed on external conformity might religiously be a turn-off and move them away from our values rather than towards them.

    My impression of Karmiel is that the definition of charedi also is more inclusive there, and that in general there’s more acceptance for people of all religious levels.  Being in a more relaxed environment allows people to find their place rather than having it forced on them.  While I know how unusual homeschooling is in Israel, and expect to frequently be asked about it (which doesn’t threaten or bother me), I didn’t want to put our family in a framework where we could expect to be looked down upon, if not ostracized, from the get-go.  The community I used to live in would be such a place – when I visited in February, someone asked me about homeschooling, and mentioned that I could never do it if I lived there; after all, it’s not ‘mekubal’ (accepted).  That’s the mentality that I refer to wanting to avoid – if something is ‘not done’, then it’s simply not done and that in and of itself is justification for not exploring an option any further.  In a place like that, a family who does what ‘isn’t done’ may be seriously putting themselves at risk for being viewed as very much ‘less than’.

    Karmiel has a small charedi community; many of the Israeli families there are connected with the kollel, which has a strong outreach component.  The relationships between the charedi and secular Jews there seems to be positive, something that isn’t typical in Israel (where groups tend to polarize religiously).  This is something I appreciate and value.

    Social environment – there are two main components that I was concerned with:  a) integration; b) feeling of connection to others.

    It’s really nice in some ways to move to a heavily Anglo area where there are lots of people who speak your language and have the same social references and expectations that you do.  The problem is, it can very easily become a crutch.  Dd14 was recently speaking to a friend who moved to Israel two years ago, and asked her how her spoken Hebrew is.  The girl told her she doesn’t speak Hebrew – her parents and all of her friends speak English, so despite being in a Hebrew-speaking school, she doesn’t need to learn it to get along.  I don’t think this is uncommon and it’s certainly not a criticism, just a reflection of what can easily happen – people don’t need to stretch too far outside of their comfort zones.

    Since I want my children to be able to integrate into Israeli society, it was important to put them in an environment that would support them in that – so we’re avoiding the Anglo bubble communities.  (Lest anyone think I think Anglo communities are a bad thing – I don’t.  I definitely understand the appeal, and for some people it’s absolutely the best place for them.  But for us it wasn’t what I was looking for. )  Although initially it’s not easy when you don’t speak the language and aren’t easily understood by those around you, it pushes you to try your best and to improve your command of the language, even if you feel uncomfortable.

    At the same time, I didn’t want to be a community with no Anglo presence.  Whether people will criticize this or not, the fact is that most of us share cultural references based on how and where we were raised, and it’s nice to be with those who understand your points of reference.  There are a small number of Anglo families, and I expect this number to grow – Anglos tend to not want to move to a community until there’s a critical mass of other Anglos.  (We experienced this in Beitar, where we were one of the earlier English speaking families there.)

    When I looked back at the places we’ve lived that we’ve been happiest and why, I saw that we especially appreciated being part of a newly growing community.  Karmiel is at this stage now.  When a community is smaller, you don’t assume someone else is doing something and you’re not needed – there’s not only room for someone to step up and get involved, but it’s encouraged.   You feel needed, that your presence matters to your community.  Since we aren’t moving to a place where we already have a big support network established, I felt it would be good for all of us to be in a place where we could more quickly build our connections, and connections are more quickly established when people are working harder to connect with each other in the framework of a smaller and more personal community.  An Israeli rav from Haifa visited Baltimore recently and after learning that we were moving to Karmiel, told us that the rav of the city would be delighted that our family was moving there.  So if our presence would be welcomed by the Israeli charedi community, it stands to reason that the English speaking community, which is much smaller, would appreciate it.

    Everyone needs to matter, and that includes kids.  It’s hard to move to a large community with lots of English speakers and feel that no one really notices you’re there.  Dd14 will increase the English speaking population of her high school by 25% when she comes, and the other girl in the tenth grade who speaks English is excited about her coming!   I hope that it will make it easier for the kids to make friends, as well.

    Affordability – I can’t say that anywhere in Israel is cheap – it’s really a question of what’s less unaffordable!  🙂  In all seriousness, rents are high and we felt it prudent to choose an area where the cost of housing would be on the lower side.  The north of Israel is significantly less expensive to live in than the center of the country, and you get ‘more bang for your buck’.  At the same time, there’s more natural beauty, greenery, and housing is more spread out.  Though I definitely enjoy the conveniences of city living, natural beauty enhances my sense of spiritual connection and serenity.  It’s a calmer feeling than living in the city, and I prefer to raise my children in that environment than in the bustling city.

    If there’s an aspect that I didn’t address that you’d like me to answer, please ask!

    Avivah

  • Summer plans for oldest kids

    After enjoying having ds17 home for four days, yesterday I took him catch his bus back to NY.  I had been anticipating him returning home this weekend and staying for the summer, but just a few days before he was scheduled to return, he called to ask if I minded if he accepted a camp job that was offered to him.  He wasn’t actively looking for anything, but one of his rebbeim was very impressed with him and offered him a position. 

    Here’s one situation that impressed his rebbe:  ds was invited to his rebbe’s home for a Shabbos meal, and offered a couple of times to hold the crying baby.  The rebbe declined, but as the baby kept screaming and screaming, the wife somewhat strongly asked her husband to please give the baby to ds and let him have a try.  Ds took the baby and in a few minutes put him to sleep.  😛

    Anyway, back to the job offer.  He was offered a position as counselor for middle school boys, for four hours a day.  The camp is in the same neighborhood as his yeshiva, and ds is delighted with this plan because now he’ll be able to learn mornings and evenings at his yeshiva while living in his dorm, and is looking forward to the work as well.  Ds is good with kids of all ages – his siblings loved having him home – and I think they’re lucky to have him working there.  Well, of course I’m his mother so I have to say that, right?  😛 

    Actually, I think it’s a win-win all around.  He’ll be spending time doing fun stuff with the campers, including joining them on trips, and will be in a positive framework at well.  His work will pay for his dorm bill and give him some extra cash, and he should be back at home for the last three weeks before we move.  Of course I’d really like to have him home for longer, because we really love having him home.  But this seems like a productive and enjoyable option for him.

    Dd16 finished her school program last week.  I’ve been contemplating for months writing in detail about this program as a service to others since there’s almost no information available online about it, but for now I’ll just say that she’s happy it’s over and so am I.  She initially planned to spend the month of July with friends, but that was changed to a few days instead, and she had a great time last week traveling around with them. 

    Since she wouldn’t be with friends for July, she decided to look for work as a live-in nanny for an English speaking family.  A family in Karmiel offered to let her stay with them for the summer in exchange for help with the kids/house, and another family in Karmiel will be paying her hourly for her help in the morning with their children.  This came about very quickly and with no effort on her part other than mentioning she was planning to look for a live-in nanny position when she was there for Shabbos a week and a half ago.

    I know the family she will be staying with, so that makes me much more comfortable than with her staying with strangers; they are good people and I and trust them not to take advantage of her and work her non-stop (a common hazard with live-in help and something I was concerned about since dd is so accomodating and helpful).  I wanted her to be able to be with a family who would treat her as part of the family, which they are – I’ve been informed that their kids have adopted dd as their older sister.  She feels very comfortable there with the kids and both parents, which is important – they set her up so nicely with her own room that I told her only half-jokingly that she’ll have a hard time leaving!

    The family she’s working for in the mornings will be our immediate neighbors very soon (they’ll be two doors away from us).  So again, I think it’s another win-win:  the families will not only be able to enjoy dd’s help while she’s there this summer, but will have a babysitter right in the neighborhood even after she moves out.  And she gets to stay in Israel, make some money, and have a non-pressured summer. 

    Karmiel isn’t exactly a happening place for a teenager to be without friends or siblings, but I hope she’ll enjoy her time there.  One of the teen girls there who she met on a past visit is planning to introduce her to other girls her age, which should be really nice for her in the short term, but will also smooth the transition for living there.   

    Avivah

  • Protecting our children

    This past Shabbos we had friends over for lunch, and talked about a number of topics. At one point we segued into her advocacy for sexually abused children, and since this is something I feel strongly about, we ended up discussing it for a while. She asked me if we talk to our kids about healthy boundaries, and I told her the guidelines I give my kids. I asked her if she had any additional suggestions, and she said, no, that was just right.

    The challenge in discussing a topic that is so sensitive is that we tend to avoid it, because it makes us uncomfortable or afraid. I handle it pretty matter of factly – we shouldn’t get emotional and scare our kids.

    For my kids, I stress respecting the personal boundaries of others and expecting others to respect those same boundaries. No one should touch them on private parts of their bodies, and no one should tell them to keep something a secret from us. Here’s an article that author Bracha Goetz shared with me after our discussion on Shabbos; it’s very important reading and she gives good guidelines for how to handle this.

    I also strongly believe that we all need to learn to hear and respect our gut feelings about people – often, someone makes us uncomfortable but we rationalize it away.  I’ve mentioned this before in the past here, but it’s worth repeating.   I tell my kids to listen to their gut feelings and act on them, even if they feel like it looks foolish.  There are always yellow lights before red lights; the challenge is being willing to pay attention to and recognize the yellow lights.

    Though the Orthodox Jewish community has many, many wonderful strengths, protecting our children from molestation isn’t one of them.  Actually, I think our community out of misplaced sympathy protects predators and thereby puts children at increased risk.  It has been very disturbing to me that pedophiles aren’t paying the price for their crimes in our community – we’re taught to give people the benefit of the doubt, and this works against us when dealing with perpetrators of evil who know how to makes themselves look good and position the victim as the one responsible.

    This makes it even more critical that we as parents are paying attention and equipping our children with the tools they need to deal with this.  For those who live in Baltimore, Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz of Project YES will be addressing exactly this topic this Saturday night, June 11, at 10:15 pm at Bnei Jacob Shaarei Zion (6602 Park Heights Ave. 21215).  There is no charge to attend.   He’ll also be speaking on this same topic in Monsey, Brooklyn, and Queens (for details of times and locations, check here.)

    I plan to attend the talk on Saturday night, and whether you can be there or not, encourage all parents to be sure you have the tools to discuss this important topic with your children.  There are unfortunately evil and sick people in the world, and we must not pull the wool over our own eyes and increase the risk for our children.

    Avivah