Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Winter vacation ideas

    It seems to have become expected for many families to take a vacation during winter break, and that vacation increasingly has come to mean going away.  I don’t begrudge any hardworking parents or kids for wanting to relax when they finally have some time off as a family, but I have to wonder about the focus placed on getting away.   After all, how much time do most families get to spend at home during the course of the year?  And by that I don’t mean seeing each other in transit, grabbing quick meals and in between rushing from one activity to another.  I mean, how much time do they actually get to spend relaxing together and sharing good times at home?

    When we bought our house, I joked with my family that if the actual hours our house was use was figured in, and tallied with how many people it was used by, it would be hard to find a cheaper house than ours!  We’re very blessed to be able to spend many hours a day together, and I know that we’re unusually lucky in that and don’t take it for granted.  I realize that most people don’t have a schedule like ours.  Which is what makes me think, isn’t winter vacation a good opportunity to spend some time at home together?  It would reduce money stress (too many people are spending money they don’t have for vacations) while giving families a time to reconnect, and isn’t vacation supposed to be about relaxing and connecting with those you love? 

    Maybe staying home – having a ‘staycation’ – isn’t viewed as much of an option because it seems so humdrum.  But being home doesn’t mean doing nothing!  There are so many places to explore in every city, most of which you’ve probably never been to.  When I lived in Seattle, I never visited the Space Needle, even though I lived only a few minutes drive away (and it was right next door to the science center that I regularly took the kids to!).  But every tourist who came to the city headed there right away! 

    To find out about some of your local possibilities, you can contact your chamber of commerce, or start asking friends and neighbors for ideas.  They should be able to give you a long list of options, many of which are low cost.  I’ve lived here for six years, taken the kids on a good number of trips, and still have many, many places that I’ve never gone to that are within a thirty minute drive.  Your attitude also makes a big difference – you shouldn’t oversell something because your kids will get suspicious, but be cheerful and have an attitude that you’re going to have a great time – my husband once commented that I’m good at selling my kids on my ideas.  I never thought of it as selling;  I just figured, if I’m positive about something and share with my kids why I think it will be fun, why shouldn’t they want to participate?  And they do.

    Remember, the outings don’t have to be mind-blowingly exciting.  I think that trips that are too impressive actually set our kids us to have unrealisticly high expectations for the future, and diminish their ability to enjoy simple outings.  (That’s one problem I have with Disneyland.)  And places you’ve been to before, like the zoo, aquarium, science center, etc, are fun to go to again – having been there before doesn’t preclude them from being good options.  You don’t need to schedule a day full of activities – even one outing a day is plenty, and will leave you with ample time to wake up late, move a little slower than usual, and make everyone feel there’s something fun to look forward to (this is the approach I take to planning summer days at home with everyone).  And if you choose a novel way to get there, even going somewhere old is a new experience – my husband wants to get day passes for the train and take the kids from place to place downtown one day, which would be fun (but when he broached the idea to me this summer, the reality of taking an infant and toddler along with their stroller and carrying the food and water we would all need for the day made me suggest we put it off for another point).

    Meals – make mealtimes special.  Make something different that you know your kids will love.  For lots of moms, there’s no time for anything more elaborate than a bowl of cold cereal and milk in the morning before school and work, which is fine – now’s your chance to shake things up a little with a bigger and nicer breakfast.  That might be pancakes and french toast, shakes, omelettes, muffins – there are loads of possibilities (some of the recipes here on my blog might be helpful).  Don’t think this means you need to spend your days in the kitchen during vacation – get your kids involved side by side with you.  Cooking and baking, especially treats, can be so much fun for kids! 

    Then there are the entertainment possibilities that you can do at home.  Maybe you can buy a new game (or pull out one that you’ve bought and never used), do some crafts, or plan a large scale family activity.  Would it be fun to make baskets?  But some kits.  Painting, clay modelling, sewing, quilting?  Start thinking and get your juices going.  Visit a local craft store for ideas.  Activities can be as simple as a big family jigsaw puzzle, or bigger, like painting a room or doing some home renovations.  Don’t say, ‘Well, that’s not fun.”  Remember what I said about attitude?  It’s the attitude combined with doing something with your child/ren that makes it fun.  We did a huge amount of work in our house with our kids (knocking down walls, putting up walls, adding a bathroom, replacing the kitchen, painting, etc), and it was a positive experience for everyone.  They learned so much and felt great about being able to do something meaningful and real.  Kids don’t expect to be entertained (unless you’ve gotten them used to expecting that, and you can get them unused to that, too!), but they do want to have something to do.  If you assume it’s drudgery, it’s virtually certain they’ll see it like that, too.  If you think it’s a great family activity, your enthusiasm can pull them in. 

    Think about what’s fun about going away.  Is it the hotel experience?  Maybe you can replicate that in your own house.  Room service, a printed schedule of events for the day, even putting some special mini soaps and lotions in the bathroom can add to the ambience.  Maybe you can plan a theme for your vacation at home.  I’ve shared here about our indoor campout – this meant we did some of the things inside that we would have done outside if we were camping – setting up a tent in the living room and all sleeping there for the night together, eating dinner by candle light (since our most recent Daddy Fun Day, my 2.5 year old asks every night if we can use the oil lamp at dinner – and probably 50% of the time now, we agree!), having foods that are typical camping foods for us (hot dogs, hamburgers, roasted marshmallows).  That’s an example of a theme.  You can get your kids involved in brainstorming if this is something that interests you – getting them involved also means they’ll be a lot more positive about whatever you do, since they’ve had a say in planning it.  Get a good book for an evening or afternoon read aloud, or check your library for a nice family video that you can enjoy together.  If it ties into your theme, all the better.

    It’s great for everyone to have time to sleep in, hang out, and relax.  But don’t rely on that alone to create a nice atmosphere.  Most kids who have been used to rigid school scheduling start getting antsy without knowing what’s coming in the day.  So making a plan and letting them know what the basic plan is, in my opinion, is very helpful in keeping everyone relaxed.  

    If you have ideas of things that have worked well for you, please share here for others so others can benefit!

    Avivah

  • Dealing with sibling rivalry

    >>Here is my question for you if you have time to answer it:  How do you handle sibling rivalry?  Your kids sound so amazing, like they always get along and are all best friends.  Do you ever have issues with fighting?<<

    For some reason, it seems alot of people assume this about my kids, but I don’t know why – I’ve even had people tell me that they don’t look as if they ever fight, that they’re ‘such angels I can’t imagine it’.  LOL.  Kids are kids, and though the kids do get along well for the majority of the time and I love it that they are good friends, it’s inevitable that there are going to sometimes be personality conflicts and disagreements. 

     We’ve been able to keep this pretty mild for the most part, and I think that keeping this particular aspect of child raising under control is a huge part of why I enjoy having a big family and would love more kids.  Dealing with constant sibling squabbles is draining and wears you down emotionally, and having more kids only exacerbates whatever the current situation is by adding more voices to the fray.  If more kids meant more screaming, fighting, and constant stress, I don’t think I’d so positively anticipate (or even want!) each new arrival.

    I don’t have a perfect answer to this because I still have my moments of irritation and so do the kids, but I’ll share what we do (and maybe that’s enough, to know that you can get good results without being perfect!).  First of all, I definitely encourage my kids to be friends.  I stress relationships within the family and minimize relationships outside of the family that would compete (that’s another huge topic).  It’s generally harder to be friends with your siblings than with people outside of the family, because you don’t get to choose them.  So they need time daily to learn to get along with one another; if they spend most of each day in some kind of school setting, followed by playdates, they won’t have the opportunities to get past being constantly annoyed with or provoked by their siblings.  But just being around each other all the time isn’t going to automatically make them friends.

    Regarding dealing with rivalry itself:  From the time they’re born, I assume that they love each other and want to get along, and respond to anything that some people would call ‘rivalry’ or jealousy with an attitude that it’s not intended as such.  And it’s not a big deal.  It’s too easy to start looking for signs that a young child feels threatened, jealous, hateful, etc of a new baby or younger sibling, and to focus on that causes it to escalate.  When I hear mothers verbalize the negative feelings they think they very young child is feeling (‘oh, you’re jealous of little Mikey because Mommy holds him all the time’), I cringe because I think it’s building up the negative way of looking at it.  We don’t need to make our kids’ negativity bigger than it is, and we can reframe it for them in a positive way.  (I’d rather say something like, ‘Aren’t you lucky that you’re so big and we can do this together; little Mikey is too tiny to have this special fun with us.’)

    As they get older, when they disagree I step in to moderate the situation and guide them to appropriately resolving it, using words and not hitting.  Sometimes this has meant very long sessions of having kids sit down and really listen to one another (when they’re older) and phrase what they want to say respectfully and appropriately, which can sometimes take a lot of time when they’re feeling hostile.  If one person wrongs another, I usually insist that an apology is made (I don’t accept a sullen ‘sorry’), followed by an act to show they’re sorry.  I think action is important in creating an impression on the brain, and training a child how to handle these situations.  When they’re little, like with my toddler, there’s very little discussion – I’ll say something like ‘we don’t hit, we don’t say things like that’ and tell him to go and hug the person (which honestly isn’t always wanted but is something the other child has to tolerate for the sake of the 2 yo learning proper behavior).  When they’re in the 6 – 10 year old range, they generally have to play a game with each other or do something else together.   With the oldest kids, it’s mostly verbal disagreement and resolution.  

    As far as fighting goes, I decided to have a low tolerance level for it.  In general, my approach is to respond quickly to provocative situations before they escalate.  I don’t like being a referee, and I don’t think there’s much to gain from trying to reason with kids that are already emotionally stressed out.  They just can’t hear you at that point.  And whatever you do, someone ends up feeling victimized.   So it’s really important to step in early.  I don’t believe in letting kids ‘work it out’.  If they haven’t been taught the tools to work it out, that generally results in whoever is stronger or more powerful winning. 

    But that doesn’t mean that I’m constantly getting involved in every little thing.  As they get older, they become more and more able to resolve their issues appropriately without my intervention or assistance.   I’d step in immediately for children under 6 or 7.  For kids a little older, I’d be aware and listening actively to what was going on, but not necessarily saying anything unless it was necessary.  Once they’re about 11 or 12, I’ve seen from experience which kids are challenged in what ways, and trust them to resolve most things on their own unless I know it’s a situation they are still finding frustrating.  In that case, I listen and step in when I think it’s helpful (ie, when I see that their communication with one another is becoming negative or unproductive).   

    I hope this is helpful.  I’ve written in generalities, so feel free to ask something more specific if I haven’t addressed your particular concern. 

    Avivah

  • How to find good books for read alouds

    >>I need more read aloud ideas.  Where do you go for titles?<<

    I find books that are collections of reviews of good books useful – the two that come to mind most immediately are Jim Trelease’s Read Aloud Handbook, and Honey for a Child’s Heart, by Gladys Hunt.  I don’t own either of them, though, so every couple of years I check one out and get some new ideas.  I also own a book called Books Children Love, by S. Wilson, which is also good.  Honey for a Child’s Heart was especially valuable in choosing good quality books for my younger kids. There are a lot of kids books out there that just aren’t so good, and it’s annoying to read them repeatedly when you can hardly stand to read it the first time!

    I also look at online book recommendations, at the Sonlight catalog, the Robinson book recommendations, and the Newberry Honor and Newberry Medal lists.  The classics can be good, too, though you have to be careful that they’re age appropriate.  Because the language of the classics tends to be written in a literary style that is unfamiliar, kids can easily get turned off if introduced to them too soon.  I try to look for books that are engaging, well written, and fun to listen to together.

    I’ve thought that it would be fun to make a list of all the books we’ve read aloud over the years to share with you (just chapter books, not picture books), but the idea overwhelms me and I don’t know how I could possibly remember all of them!

    Avivah

  • Making time for yourself

    >>“If you’re home with your kids all day, every day, how do you have time for yourself?”<<

    First of all, I have to say that I truly enjoy spending time with my kids – they’re great company! Enjoying your kids is critical, but you need to learn how to carve out time for yourself and your needs, so that you don’t get burnt out. You must recognize your own needs as valid and find ways to meet them.

    Homeschooling doesn’t mean being on active duty all day long. There are lulls and quiet periods. There is early morning or later in the evening time, and if you have a husband who can make himself available, then he can be home while you get out.

    How you meet your needs depends on what you enjoy. I didn’t have money for a babysitter when my kids were all little, I didn’t have a husband who had a schedule that made it possible to watch the kids, I didn’t have any friends or family members who could give me a break, but I still found ways to have time for myself. It can be something as simple as some quiet time to read a book, take a relaxing bath, call a friend, or have a cup of tea. The key is to take the time and take it regularly.

    Here’s something I did when I had six kids ages 9 and under, and had all the limitations I just shared with you. I found that a short break in the middle of the day kept me going and I didn’t get worn down. I instituted a daily rest time for every child. I would put the infant and toddler in for a nap, then everyone else had to stay in their beds for an hour. They didn’t have to fall asleep, but they had to stay there quietly. They could read, quietly play a game or do a puzzle (they chose it before rest time), but there was no talking or getting out of bed allowed until rest time was over. This gave me regular daily time to know I would have for myself without having lots of little people around. I don’t remember how long I kept that up – but it was a huge help, and something I would do even now if I felt I needed it.

    Be very careful that you don’t end up using your free time to clean up. I do sometimes stay up in the evenings when the kids are asleep and do some straightening up, but not for long.  I would resent spending my precious quiet time cleaning up the messes of the day. No matter how much you love your kids and spending time with them, you need to have some space for yourself or you’ll end up claustophobic and wanting to put them in school so you get a break.

    Don’t give that quiet time up for something that can be done in the daytime when the kids are awake, with them. It’s that space that makes us able to give all day long, and enjoy it. Lose the space, and you lose the enjoyment.

    Avivah

  • Daddy fun day

    My husband usually works on Sunday, and this week took a rare day off for no reason but to spend time together as a family.  I didn’t have enough advance notice to plan any nice Sunday outings, which I was disappointed I couldn’t do.  But last night, my 12 and almost 10 year olds sat down with my dh and together they planned the schedule for today.  Since it’s my husband’s day off, it seemed appropriate for him to decide how he wanted to spend it, since the rest of us get to make this choice every day.

    They started off with davening, learning, and breakfast.  They decided they’d like to include saying a chapter of tehillim (Psalms) at each meal for the soldiers in Israel, so one child said it several words at a time, and everyone repeated after them.  They also are doing some additional learning for the soldiers at each meal, as a war needs spiritual as well as physical support.  Then the kids said they wanted to make the house spotless so they’d feel relaxed!  That was just fine with me!  Then, they planned to watch a video from the library.  We usually watch a family video about once a month, but usually do it when my husband isn’t home.  Because he has so little time with everyone, he doesn’t like to spend it watching a video, so today was unusual in that he had the time to relax with everyone and was willing to use some of his time for a video with the kids.

    After that they scheduled a break, and three kids took a fifteen minute jog with him.  They then planned to have lunch, and decided they wanted to have fruit, nuts, and popcorn for lunch.  And then another video in the afternoon, while they ate lunch.  (I never allowed anyone to eat in that area of the house before, but my dh didn’t realize that – I wouldn’t have allowed it if it was up to me, but I wasn’t going to rain on their parade after their plans were made, either.)  I didn’t really want to watch two videos in a day and would have preferred to take everyone to an art museum that has special activities on Sundays for kids (which I can never do since dh takes our only vehicle to work), but this was the schedule they made and they were all happy with it.  🙂 

    Then a special ‘camping out’ dinner and nighttime together – this included a camping menu of hot dogs and hamburgers with buns for dinner, something we don’t usually eat except for when we go camping.  We ate dinner by the light of an oil lamp, and then for dessert the kids roasted marshmallows over the gas flame of the stove.  About three years ago, we had a indoor camp out with the kids that they loved, and we set up our eight person tent inside the living room for everyone to sleep in that night.  They wanted to partially recreate that tonight.  We felt the tent would be a too tight to comfortably fit in where we’re living now, so instead everyone is camping out on the living room floor together – a few of the kids brought their mattresses down, and now the floor is solidly covered with bodies.  🙂

    After dinner I went out, and they planned another activity together.  The kids still aren’t asleep, and it’s after 10:30, so it’s fair to say that they didn’t wind down as they usually did!  But they all had a lot of fun.  All in all, it was a relaxing day for everyone to spend together, and everyone enjoyed having their daddy home all day with them! 

    My  husband said that something he’s very aware of is enjoying our children right now, at the stage they’re at.  Too many fathers get caught up in the busyness of making a living, and it’s not until they have grandchildren that they enjoy the fun of young children.  Childhood is so short, and you’re building relationships and making memories all the time, so make them good ones!

    Avivah

  • Reading out loud to kids

    I so much enjoy reading to my kids.  There’s a wonderful feeling of connection and closeness, it’s an effective way to learn things together in a natural and fun way, and it’s something you can do with kids of all ages!

    Here’s what my reading schedule for the day is like:

    In the mid morning, when my older kids are busy with their academic work, I read a couple of books that my 2.5 year old chooses with him. Then my 6 yo comes along and I read a book, or a chapter of a book, also of his choice, to him (we just finished a Thornton Burgess chapter book).  This isn’t intended to be academic; it’s just a nice way to spend some time with them. 

    A little later, my 8 and 9 year olds finish what they’re working on, and I read to them from a chapter book.  We started the Little House on the Prairie series in the summer, and are halfway through.  We generally read a couple of chapters each day, but it depends on the length of the chapters and how much time I have.  Yesterday we finished the fourth book, and we have five books to go.  Sometimes the morning gets busy and there’s not time for our reading before lunch, so we do it after lunch.  Sometimes we skip a day, but not usually.  They look forward to this so much, and my 6 year old also joins our snuggling on the couch for this.  I read this series aloud about seven years ago when my oldest three were all about this age, and I’m enjoying reading it together with my middle three.  (I do this reading when the baby is sleeping, but the toddler usually is awake, often sitting on my lap for it.)

    Then after dinner, we have our family read aloud.  This is something I’ve done for years (last year we had a break because my ds15 was in school and wasn’t home in time, so we were more sporadic to accomodate him and didn’t read as regularly as we usually have), and I’ve found it very valuable.  The hardest part of this is finding a book that will interest everyone, since the 6 yo should be able to understand it, but the 15 year old doesn’t want to listen to a little kids book.  We read The Hobbit last year, which was an excellent book, but my then 5 year old didn’t know what was happening at all (at that point I wasn’t trying to find something suitable for him – he had a nighttime read aloud right before this one geared towards him), and my oldest didn’t care for fantasy (I didn’t know that until after we were reading it, or I would have looked for something else) and had a hard time following all the details.  I’m so grateful to have found our current choice – my kids all agree it’s a real winner.  If I’m feeling tired or not in the mood to read that night, their eagerness motivates me to sit down anyway.  Then when I finish, they all beg me to read more.  I’m particularly glad to have found a book that my oldest son enjoys; his tastes are more specific than the others. 

    The book we’re reading is called Watership Down.  Apparently it’s commonly read in high school English courses, and most of the negative reviews I saw on Amazon were from high school students who were forced to read it and were bored by it.  I try to choose books that are good quality literature, with complex sentence structure, good use of grammar, and ideas to think about.  But I also want books that are fun and engaging, not something the kids are listening to but bewildered half the time as to the meaning.  This book fits all my criteria, though when I saw the book and leafed through it, there wasn’t anything to encourage me.  The cover is beyond boring looking, and the story didn’t initially grab me.  I was concerned the kids wouldn’t have the patience to wait for the story to pick up, but surprisingly, they were engaged by the first night.  My husband was also surprised, since his initial reaction was similar to mine.  But there’s a quality to the story I can’t describe that really got the kids hooked.

    I didn’t see this on any recommended lists of books, but someone on a discussion board somewhere mentioned reading it aloud to her kids (they went to school so she read to them when they got home).  Each day friends would come to play, but they told their friends they didn’t want to play because they were listening to this great story.  And the friends would join them.  By the time they finished the book, there were about twenty kids listening in!  So that seemed to me to be a pretty good recommendation, and after I researched it for the literary quality, I was ready to give it a shot.

    The only problem with this book is that it will end.  We’re about 240 pages in, and I guess we have over 150 pages left, but every night I wonder what book I’ll find next that will work so well for everyone!  I usually start researching the next book while we’re reading the current one, so that I have it checked out of the library in time to begin as soon as the last book ends.  I need to start looking for books soon, and if you have any recommendations, please share them with me!

    Another nice plus of reading before bed is that it makes the bedtime transition very smooth.  The kids naturally quiet down from the busyness of the day, and once we finish reading, the youngest three or four troop up to bed without any complaints.  I credit our family read aloud habit for our smooth and easy bedtimes over the years! 

    There are lots of other benefits, and books have been written about those benefits.  But some of the benefits, in addition to those I shared above – it’s great for vocabulary development, greatly improves listening and comprehension skills, and helps children develop their imaginations.  And it’s so fun!

    Avivah

  • Developing belief in yourself

    I often speak to/correspond with parents who are considering homeschooling, and I’ve found that the main thing that they express are their worries about doing something so different from the mainstream.  There are worries about short term academic achievement, social skill development, emotional development.  Practical worries, like how to get their kids to listen to them, how to juggle all the demands of homeschooling and running a home, which curriculum to buy and at what point.  And then there are the long term worries, about how they’ll transition to school at a later date, get married, function in society, or have long term scars as a result of the choice their parents made to homeschool.  (There are lots more specifics, but you get the idea!)

    It’s interesting that very few parents agonize over these questions before sending their child to school, or even consider them at all.  By virtue of everyone else doing it, there’s a certain comfort and assurance that it’s going to all work out just fine.  But these are questions inherent to the process of raising your children, regardless of what venue you choose. Every parent needs to think about their child’s emotional, social, and academic needs, and assess if they are best served in the environment they’re choosing to place them in.  Educating your child in whatever manner should involve thought and consideration.

    I was thinking tonight that it would be nice if there was a magic pill to give these parents, to help them put their concerns into perspective – I often feel that they’re hoping talking to me will be the magic pill.  I’ve regularly been asked how I had the confidence to homeschool my kids, how I dealt with that nagging doubt that is constantly at the back of a parent’s mind whenever they make a choice that differs from the mainstream.  When I think of my own experience, it reminds me once again that there is no magic pill, and that a magic pill would only keep us from developing confidence in ourselves.  Confidence is built on a foundation of grappling with our fears and doubts and resolving them. 

    As for me, I really believed in the principles of educating one’s children as individuals, according to their needs and internal timelines.  Whenever I would worry that someone wasn’t progressing fast enough, or I wasn’t doing enough, I’d go back to my core principles and think about them.  This meant a lot of thinking over the years!  But it was through this process of thinking and thinking and thinking (and talking to my husband about it), constantly evaluating my experience along with the feedback of others, that my belief in what I was doing for my family was constantly strengthened.

    And I think that’s what every parent benefits from – not just talking to someone who seems to have it all together, who’s worked out their issues in this area and is happy with their results. That can be helpful, but true strength isn’t borrowed from others.  That inner confidence can only come from deep inside you.  And as I told someone tonight, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it.  You have to believe in your principles even before you get the results, but increasingly with time, your results will begin to show up for you.  Once you start to see those positive results, that will continue to give support to all that you’re doing.  The longer you stick with your principles, the better your results will be and the more you have to reassure yourself with. 

    It’s like gardening – you plant the seed in good soil, water and fertilize it regularly, and you have to trust that something is happening and it will bloom when it’s meant to.  You can’t be constantly digging up the seed to see what’s happening to it.  Just because you don’t see growth doesn’t mean it’s not happening.  Growth in our children (as well as ourselves) is organic, and takes time.  We have to learn to trust the process, and trust is something that we’re lacking nowadays.  We grow up trusting the authorities, the professionals, those with letters after their names, but to believe in ourselves?  It’s something we need to learn to do.  And it takes time.  But it’s so worthwhile!

    Avivah

  • Early rising, time for learning

    Several years ago, I made some adaptations to my parenting style.  Mainly, I raised the my expectations for my kids’ behavior, and developed a strategy to follow up on those expectations.  One of the most important things I did was to bring my kids closer to me and consciously spent more time with them when they did something displeasing (rather than the very popular ‘push kids away’/time out approach that it touted, which I think I’ve shared my feelings about a while back).   A very few times at the beginning, this meant that I told whatever child involved that they would need to sleep in my room if I felt that they had showed they wouldn’t behave appropriately in their own rooms at night without supervision.  I didn’t do it punitively, but I had them make up a pallet on the floor next to my bed.  This wasn’t something I had to do very often at all, but I very soon saw that the kids actually really liked it – one child asked me the next night if he could sleep in my room again!   I then saw clearly how a disciplinary measure could be loving and perceived as such by both parent and child, while simultaneously improving the behavior and building the parent-child relationship.  Our kids really want to be close to us.

    Anyway, on to the present.  Last nights I spontaneously offered to let my 9 year old son sleep in my room, since my husband wasn’t home, something I do every once in a while for my middle three (6,8, 9).  Not because he needed more of my presence or for me to keep an eye on him, but because I thought he’d want to.  I was right – he jumped up and said, “Really?!  Thanks, Mommy!”  And rushed to get ready for bed. 

    He gets up earlier than I do to go to shul with my 15 year old, so he brought his own alarm to my room because I’m still sleeping when they leave.  I happened to wake up before his alarm went off, but I thought it was 6 am when he woke up.  It was still dark.  I couldn’t fall back asleep, so I picked up a book from the pile next to my bed (I never told you how many books I’m usually in the middle of, did I?  Let’s just say I usually have a nice pile next to my bed.:)).  About a half hour later, I looked at my watch, and saw that it was only 6 am, and was still dark.  Meaning that he had woken up at 5:30.

    Later today, my older son told me he was really tired, and I told him I had been really surprised to see that they woke up so early, because I thought they went to a later minyan. He said B. (the 9 year old) wanted to go to the earliest minyan possible, so he agreed to take him to the 6:20 minyan.  I couldn’t think of any reason why B. would prefer one minyan over another, so I asked E. (15 year old) why they chose that one.  He said that B. wanted to daven as early as possible, because then they’d have more time between the time they finished davening and the time I told them they have to be home for breakfast (we recently changed breakfast to 9 am so that they wouldn’t have to rush home, but I’m adamant that they must be home by then). 

    Then I was wondering why did he want more time between davening and breakfast? The answer: so he could learn more mishnayos!  He really loves learning with his big brother – their daily learning time is in the morning before coming home (though they often like to do more later on in the day or evening), and this morning he came home from shul and told me with a lot of excitement that they did 11 mishnayos this morning, a new record!  He’s definitely intrinsically motivated.  🙂  You should see how fast they’re going through mishnayos – whew!

    I love seeing my kids taking the intiative to further their own learning goals, something I was told years ago that kids needed to be in school to learn, that a child on his own wouldn’t want to learn.  One more example for me of how trusting the process of learning and your child really works.

    Avivah

  • Saving the best for last

    Tonight was the last night of Chanuka, and we saved our big family present for tonight.   My husband and I decided to break it into two parts.  The first part was a poem that my husband wrote for tonight.  He cut it into eight parts, gave each child a part, and then they pieced it together.  After putting it together, my 14 yodd read it out loud for everyone.

    The Best For Last

    They say you should save the best for last

    Now, all but one of the days are past.

    Tomorrow night Chanuka will be gone till next year

    But there’s one last present for our family so dear.

    Mommy and Daddy and H-shem had it planned

    Several months ago and we thought it would be grand

    If we saved it for this holiday of light

    And waited and waited until the last night.

    It’s something that each of you has several of

    But we get the feeling it’s something you love.

    So, without further ado, we’d like you to go

    To the milchig drawer and then you will know.

    Halfway through this poem, the light went on in my 12 year old dd’s eyes, and I knew she realized what it was.  But no one else did, so they all raced into the kitchen to find what was in the drawer.  When they got there, they opened a folded piece of paper, to find a full size coupon there.  It said:

    COUPON

    for

    ONE NEW SIBLING IN MAY

    Some of the kids had to read this several times before it registered.  🙂  When they did, they ran back into the living room and started dancing and hugging each other. 

    Afterwards, all of my kids told me their initial thoughts and reactions on hearing the news.  My oldest son was expecting a family membership to the JCC (I’m still planning to get that, but it will be delayed for another week or so), so he wasn’t really listening carefully to the poem.  The build up and presentation had him convinced it would be a membership – he’s one of those who had to read it several times, because he was so sure of what it was that it took him a couple of minutes to realize he was off track.  Since the baby is almost 16 months old, he said he had already (!) resigned himself to us remaining a family of just eight children.  My dd14 felt very stupid that she wasn’t paying close attention to what she was reading, but last night she had a dream that we were having a baby, so she wasn’t suprised.  She’s “been expecting it for months”, since she also had a dream about it a few months ago.  At that point, she made a note of the date of her dream so she’d be able to check it later on whenever I told her I was pregnant.  Tonight she looked for the note about the past dream and was disappointed she couldn’t find it.  She also said she thought I looked pregnant but didn’t want to say anything.  My dd12 is the one who figured out the poem – she’s very excited.  She was looking thoughtful later in the evening, and I asked what she was thinking about.  She said she’s trying to decide if she wants to go to camp in the summer and miss a month of ‘that tiny baby cuteness’; right now she said it wouldn’t be worth it to go.  Ds9 said he was totally taken by surprise.  They’re already putting in their bids for what gender they want the baby to be. 🙂  They asked my 2.5 year old if he wants a new baby, and he calmly said, ‘No, I don’t want a baby’.  I told them not to talk to him about it and make a big deal of something he’s too little to understand. 

    I wasn’t sure we’d be able to get to this point without all of the kids realizing it on their own by looking at me (I’ll be officially five months along in another few days), but I made it!  We haven’t yet told our parents, though I’m sure they all noticed that I look heavier than usual.  My 9 yos suggested we break the good news to my mom for her birthday in less than two weeks in a similar way to how we told them.  Everyone likes that idea.  As far as telling my inlaws, I’d really like to just have the baby and then let them know, but I think we’ll have to tell them sometime in the next month (though I keep thinking, if I could wait until six months, I could wait until seven, and what’s another couple of months past that point…).  That’s one advantage of having a smaller family – when you announce number 2 or 3, your parents are usually happy for you.  🙂

    So now we’re duplicating the spacing we had with our first three children: 17 months between 1 and 2 (and then 7 and 8), then 20 months between 3 and 4 (and be”h 8 and 9).  Being pregnant is an amazing gift and I’m so grateful that we have been blessed again!

    Avivah

  • A funny comment

    We went out to eat a few nights ago, something we rarely do, and had such a nice time!  While we were waiting for our food to be ready, we overheard a one girl at a table near us complaining, who looked to be about nine years old.   

    It seemed that her older sister (maybe 12) was bothering her, even though they were at opposite ends of the table and weren’t talking or even looking at each other, because she whined several times, “Mom, make her stop texting me!”  I found this very funny – it was said in the classic tone of ‘she’s annoying me’ but clearly this generation has found new ways to torment their siblings.  (It looked like the parents tried to insist the older daughter put her handheld whatever down during the meal, but it wasn’t working.)

    The more things change, the more they stay the same!

    Avivah