Avivah Werner

Category: Parenting

  • Is it easier to just do it yourself?

    Yesterday I took my dd14 shopping for last minute camp supplies.  Nothing too major since we got whatever clothes she needed before I gave birth- she needed toiletries mostly (and if I ever get around to writing about coupons and health and beauty aid alternatives, I’ll share with you the kind of things she took).  I really love spending time one on one with each of the kids; it makes doing any errand enjoyable.  This is something I’ve only been able to do for the last three years.  One really nice thing about having older kids is that your efforts in raising kids with good middos, thinking skills, and strong values are already paying off in a big way and spending time with them is like spending time with a good friend – they’re so enjoyable to talk and be with. 

    I was up late last night helping her with last minute camp preparations – even though we were both tired, it was so fun and at one point we both started laughing so much that we had to stop looking at each other – every time one of us glanced at the other, we started cracking up again!  But we finally got her packed up and ready, and were at the camp bus at 6:30 this morning.  

    Today’s home atmosphere was already really different – dd14 was gone, ds15 spends a few hours out in the morning at shul learning, dd12 is working at a camp for 2 year olds this week, and ds10 slept over at my in-laws.  That meant that there were only five kids at home and the oldest was 8.  Usually I do a lot of delegating and directing, which I don’t especially love but I think it’s important for children to learn how to run a house. And it’s also really important that kids learn that their homes aren’t hotels and their mothers aren’t slaves put on this earth to fulfill their every whim, so they need to participate and help out for no other reason except that they live here.

    Anyway, with all the older kids out, it means fewer hands to help out and more work for me to do in their absence. That might sound like a negative, but I actually enjoy it.  I like doing what needs to be done more than telling someone else to do it.  I do it, I know it’s done, and it’s easy to stay on top of things.  In many ways it’s more work to delegate everything – I have to remember who I told to do what (and some people require several requests/reminders), when, check that it was done, and in the end it still might not be done the way I’d ideally like it done.  The payoff is in the long term and I very much feel the time and energy invested in teaching them to help out is worth the effort, but sometimes I enjoy not having to put forth so much effort in that area. 

    Last year the oldest three all went away to camp for the same 4 weeks, and it was so nice.  They couldn’t believe I told them I enjoyed doing all the work all of them usually do and that I found it more relaxing than having them do it – it seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it?  People think I’m so lucky to have kids who help out, and that having helpful older kids is a natural outcome with a large family, but it didn’t happen by itself and plenty of mothers of large families can tell you that they made the mistake of not getting their kids involved in helping out because it was too much work.  I’ve put a lot of time into teaching my kids how to be helpful, and even now, a lot of effort goes into staying on top of so many children and all the details of running a house. 

    It’s not that the kids don’t help at all during this time – they still help alot.  But I adapt my expectations of myself and of them.  For now, I’ll enjoy the satisfaction of accomplishing something, and when it’s time to kick back into gear, I’ll be ready to actively get them involved!

    Avivah

  • Are kids embarrassed by frugality?

    >>Also, something else I was wondering… My son right now is only 2 years old, but I know I grew up with a frugal family and I was embarassed of it.  Do your kids have a similar mindset to you in terms of natural stuff and frugality, or do they get embarrassed about it? How do you keep your kids proud of what you’re doing and not embarrassed that their mom is one of ‘those moms’ :roll:; like I felt when I was a kid?  Is living your kind of lifestyle a little more accepted (where you live) than it was (where I grew up), apparently?<<

    I grew up without much money and I always felt less than, so I know what you mean.  When I was younger I planned to make sure my kids had everything that everyone else (plus!) so that they wouldn’t feel bad to be different or have less.  I attributed my negative feelings as a kid to being poor.  But that’s not actually the root of the feeling – it’s an insecurity about who you are and what you do that you convey to your child that they pick up on, not if you are just like everyone else.  If you are confident about what you do and present your choices to your family (or anyone else) matter of factly, it makes a huge difference in how you and what you do are perceived.

    I’m sure you’ve noticed that even those who do things just like everyone else also have kids who are embarrassed by them.  So being ultra conservative and conformist isn’t the answer to having kids who are embarrassed by you.  Actually, I think it’s when parents put a high value on being like everyone else that it becomes a lot more important to the kids, and those kids are much more likely to be embarrassed by any perceived differences than kids raised with the idea that it’s a value to live with integrity.

    I don’t label myself as a ‘natural’ or ‘attachment parenting’ person.  The things I do are part of who I am, but they aren’t my identity.  I’m a middle of the road person, and if you were to look at me you wouldn’t see visible differences between me and anyone else.  (Anyone who knows me in person is welcome to disagree in the comments section :)).   Why would anyone look at me and know I spent 1/4 – 1/2 of what the same size family spends on food?  People don’t know by looking where you buy your clothes, if it’s at the super duper sales, at a thrift store, or at the beginning of the season in overpriced stores.  And if they learn that you have a great quality life for a lot less than what they think it’s necessary to spend, most people would be interested and positive about that, not hostile.

    I’ve said before that frugality isn’t about doing without, but about living within your means while making choices about how you spend your money that are valuable to you.  We make choices and that’s how I explain things to my kids.  I don’t feel apologetic that there are many people in the world that have a lot more money than we do.  We have a great quality life and I constantly communicate my feeling to my kids that we’re so blessed to have all that we have (not just material things, but quality of life things).

    Kids tend to have a lot of social insecurity since they are in the process of figuring out who they are and where they fit in. I think it helps a lot that I homeschool, so my kids aren’t constantly exposed to the judgments and assessments of immature peers – it’s that ongoing exposure that creates a lot of insecurity.  My kids haven’t internalized the belief that if you do anything different from everyone else, that something is wrong or shameful about you.

    My kids aren’t embarrassed by me, but not because I made it my goal to keep them from feeling that way.  We spend a lot of time together and they respect who I am and what I do; I think the feeling of respect is the core of why I don’t have this issue.  They like me (well, most of the time – less when I’m reminding them to wash the dishes!), and I like them.

    As far as if my lifestyle is perceived more positively here than somewhere else – I can’t say.  Maybe.  In my opinion, it’s not so much about how people view your lifestyle as how they view you.  As I said, I don’t wear the different choices I make on my sleeve, and I generally find people to be quite positive when I do discuss choices that I’ve made that are outside of the norm (eg homeschooling).   While I think it’s less about the choice and more about the individual, if I were in a community that was rigid and judgmental, I’d undoubtedly have a different experience.  So I’m grateful to live in the community I do, which is wonderful!

    Avivah

  • A successful end to baseball season

    Though both my ds15 and ds10 have been playing league baseball this season, I’ve hardly been to any games.  It’s not that I haven’t wanted to, but the season this year coincided with me having a baby and they play on days that I haven’t had a car; on the days I’ve been able to go, the games have been rained out!  Fortunately, my inlaws have been taking ds15 to his games, and my mother has been taking ds10 to his games, and usually different siblings go along with each of them so they still have their own cheering sections. 🙂

    On Friday I finally got my first opportunity.  Ds15 was voted one of the top 4 players of his team by his teammates, and as such, participated in the league All Star game (the best 4 players from each of the six teams played in the same game together).  It was scheduled for 5 pm which on a Friday isn’t ideal timing, to say the least, but I was so glad to finally be able to see him play!  I took along most of the other kids, too (dh took ds10 and 7 swimming).  As I watched him play, I thought about how important it is to actively support your child’s interests.  Sure, I asked him about his games when he got home and tried to listen to the details attentively, but there’s nothing like being there in person. 

    And it meant so much to him that I was there.  He knew why I hadn’t been able to be at the previous games and knows that taking all of the kids out late on a busy erev Shabbos isn’t what I would generally choose to do for fun, but he really, really appreciated me coming to his All Star game – he thanked me so sincerely afterwards for being there.  Kids don’t generally feel unusually loved and nurtured when you give them what they take as a matter of course, but when you do something that they feel is extra, it’s like a deposit in the relationship.  This was a big deposit for ds and I didn’t have to say a word – just being there spoke volumes. 

    It was a wonderful game to watch, and of course it was nice to see that even of all the top players in the league, he was one of the very best.  More than that, though, I was able to appreciate how well he handled himself under pressure, how he interacted with his teammates, and see how he genuinely enjoyed the game.  I had a lump in my throat watching him at certain points, a lump that comes from feeling grateful to H-shem, not from being sad. 

    Tonight was the last game in the season, the World Series, a game between the top two teams in the league.  The last two years he played, ds was put on weak teams because he was a strong player, presumably an effort by the administration to keep the teams balanced. But it was a lot of pressure for him to feel like he was carrying the team in every game, and frustrating for him because one person can’t win by himself.  And those two years his team rarely won a game, which was discouraging, too.  Then last year he didn’t play at all.  So he especially appreciated being on a good team this year, and his past experiences simultaneously helped him be sensitive to the losing team and not be arrogant about winning. 

    After a great season, tonight his team won their final game, and all came home with trophies (he also got a trophy for being in the All Star game – now we have to find a place where he can put them so they won’t be demolished by his younger brothers!).  I’m glad that he had the chance to play this year, and since this is the last year he can play in this league (due to age), I’m glad he had the experience of playing on a winning team. 

    I have a little maternal guilt niggling at me that I wasn’t willing to consider this league in the past.  The reason is that I wanted him to be in the league that was made up of all religious kids, even though he repeatedly asked to go to this league.  This league is more organized, the coaches actively teach strategy and sportsmanship, and the game is played on a higher level.  And all the parents of the players were so nice that I felt ashamed of myself for assuming the crowd would be less refined without checking it out for myself.  In fact, because of the guidance of the coaches, the behavior and attitude of the players in this league were better than in his old league – one more example of how kids don’t learn good social skills from their peers, but from caring and involved adults.  The reason I feel bad is that this is his final year, and he missed being able to play at all last year because he was too old for the other league.  He doesn’t ask for much and I’m sorry I wasn’t more open the last couple of years to sending him to the league he really wanted to be in. 

    Ds10 is now requesting to switch to this league for the coming year, and we’ve agreed that he can (at least for ds10 I won’t make the same mistake).  He started playing in his current league when he was 5, two years before the official starting age, since he was an athletic kid.  But by the time he was 7, the age most boys were just starting out and learning the rules of the game, he was already one of the best in his league.  Then last year as a third grader, some parents on opposite teams thought (and said something) he was unfairly playing in a league too young for him – but he really was with his same age peers.   Switching will mean he’ll get the advantage of active coaching and learn new skills, as well as being with other players who will challenge him more. 

    It’s been a busy baseball season, and as much as the kids have enjoyed it, I always breathe a sigh of relief when it’s over.  Just one more game to go for ds10!  And then we can begin the busyness of the summer activities!

    Avivah

  • Celebrating ds’s 7th birthday today!

    Today my ds had his seventh birthday.  Though we keep birthdays low key, we do mark them with some kind of family celebration.  Last night my ds suggested to me that he should go to sleep early so that I could plan his birthday and start making special treats for him.  Amused, I asked him what he thought I should make, and he said in disbelief, “How should I know?  It’s supposed to be a surprise!”  🙂

    Well, it gets harder and harder to surprise anyone when they’re expecting something.  And maybe it doesn’t matter if it’s a surprise or not, as long as the child having the birthday feels nurtured and cared about.  But he was wasn’t expecting what we did for his birthday; here is how we did it.

    Dd14 slept over at her grandparents last night, so they baked a cake over there, and then frosted it.  They also picked up chips and fruit.  Early this afternoon, ds went to ds10’s baseball game, and directly from there, my mom took them to watch my ds15’s baseball game.  His game was being held at a regional park with picnic pavilions and a park, so we decided we’d have dinner there after the game for ds’s birthday.

    While ds was gone, this gave us a chance to plan the dinner menu and then the kids at home got busy making food without their brother being there to know what they were doing.  They made crustless broccoli cheese quiche, carrot sticks, corn on the cob, and popcorn popped in extra virgin coconut oil, and mixed up some orange juice from concentrate (we hardly ever drink juice) to drink.  (Together with the birthday cake, chips, and apples and peaches, this completed the picnic dinner menu.)  As soon as my husband got home later in the afternoon, we headed over to meet everyone else at the baseball field. 

    We got there just as the game ended and took the younger kids to the play area on one side of the park while the older kids set up dinner in a pavilion on the other side.  They managed to get the table set and everything in place just as ds returned with his siblings from the play area. 

    We greeted him by singing “Happy Birthday” and having him cut his frosted cake with the personalized birthday message on top.  Then we ate dinner together – my inlaws were there, too.  Everyone really enjoyed the quiche and after dessert, the kids had a great time running around and playing together.  A couple of his siblings gave him gifts.  It was a very relaxing and enjoyable evening – dh told me a couple of times what a nice dinner and outing it was.  I suppose we were at the park for about 2 1/2 hours before we headed back home, though ds7 didn’t come back home with us, since I agreed that in honor of his birthday he could have a sleepover at his grandparents house tonight.  I rarely agree to this during the week because it throws off the schedule the next day, and once I agree to let one person do it, then I have six others clamoring for the same privilege.

    I’m grateful that my kids are so happy with simple outings and dinners like these – all of the kids thought it was a very nice birthday dinner.  I realize that it doesn’t sound impressive, but that’s just fine with me, because impressing anyone isn’t any part of my goal!  I try to keep things as simple as possible, and focus on the heart of the celebration, making the child in questions feel special.   I find that keeping things simple allows everyone to enjoy our time together; often when you add more expensive or elaborate plans to the mix, they end up being distracting and taking the focus from the child and putting it onto the activity/food/entertainment.

    With this last baby being born in May, he’s added another month to the birthday celebration cycle (ie nine children born in nine different months).  This is a busy birthday season for us (the winter is the slow season – we’re still missing birthdays in Dec., Feb, and March) – just another 2 1/2 weeks until the next birthday….

    Avivah

  • Taking kids on errands with you

    Our lawn mower broke a week or so before I had the baby, and though I’ve very much wanted to get one, it wasn’t at the very top of the list of priorities for the first two weeks postpartum.  But finally yesterday I went to buy one from someone on CL (I decided on one with a bagger so that I can easily catch the grass clippings for my garden as fertilizer).

    When I do errands, I usually ask a specific child or two if they want to go with me, and yesterday I invited one child to come along. But as so often happens, three others chimed in asking if they could come, too (the two little ones would have come, too, but they were due for a nap).  I was thinking about how grateful I am that my kids like spending time with me, even if it means a long, boring drive in a hot van.  And I enjoy spending time with them as well.

    So many times people ask about how I get anything done if my kids are around all day long.  Part of this question is how you get things done around the house, and that’s a topic for a different post.  The second part is how you get things done that require you to be out and about.  There seems to be an idea that errands done with your kids along must mean stress and aggravation for the parent and children.  While it’s definitely true that whatever you need to do will probably take longer when your kids are with you, there’s no reason that the time out should be unpleasant for you or your kids.  

    Taking your kids with you to various places is the ideal way to teach them how to behave when in a store, a doctor’s office, when visiting the elderly.  They don’t learn about it from sitting at home and hearing you theorize about how to act in public.  Kids don’t instinctively know how to behave in different situations – it’s our active guidance and training that make the difference.  Grocery shopping can be fun for kids!  And if you’ve taught them to act nicely – no running, no yelling and whining, no grabbing things, no asking you repeatedly to buy them every treat they see – it should be enjoyable for you, too! (And a nice side benefit is that they can learn alot about math, pricing, sales, nutritional value of different foods, and anything else you want to integrate into your outings.)

    For years I took all six of my kids with me everywhere I went (my oldest turned 13 shortly after ds3 was born, the legal age to leave him with younger children, and at that point I was finally able to run out to the supermarket without taking everyone).  My husband didn’t have a schedule that allowed him to be available to be home with the kids so I could go out.  But I didn’t see going out with my kids as a burden, and I didn’t view taking them to the dentist with too differently than taking them to the zoo.  They were all opportunities for an experience of it’s own and time together as a family.  Well behaved children are a pleasure to spend time with, and we’ve received a lot of positive feedback over the years when out in public. 

    Practically speaking, it helps to have something enjoyable to listen to in the car on your way to and from your destination – parsha cassettes, Jewish story cassettes, and audio books have been what we’ve enjoyed during our many drives.  It helps the time fly by, and sometimes someone will want to come somewhere with me just because they want to hear more of a certain story (this was the motivation of dd12 in coming along yesterday). 

    Always take along food and water, and I’ve found it’s best to take more than you think you’ll need.  Hungry or thirsty children are naturally going to be cranky, and errands often take longer than you expect, particularly when you’re not prepared!  I like to take along an extra outfit for the youngest kids, because it keeps me from being cranky when someone spills something all over themselves or someone falls in the mud. 

    It’s also helpful to take along a roll of toilet paper or a towel in case of a mess, and a couple of empty plastic bags to keep the garbage contained when in the car. I had one child who always got carsick and would throw up every time we went anywhere – I quickly learned to take a plastic basin lined with a plastic bag, along with some extra bags and an extra set of clothes for him (the first time it happened I was out all day and had to stop at a thrift store to buy him new clothes).  Once I started doing this, it significantly reduced the frustration of the situation.  I also at one time had a container of candied ginger (good for reducing nausea), but when it was finished, I didn’t buy more (now that it’s the summer, I’ll get some more, since car sickness seems to be more of an issue in hot weather).  You can also take along fresh ginger – dd12 is going on a several hour long drive later today and will take a piece along in case she needs it. 

    Also, keep in mind your child’s sleeping and eating schedule.  If your toddler regularly naps after lunch, don’t think you can take him out without unpleasant consequences later on.  Do your outings early in the day or after his nap, when he’s well rested – it will be a lot more pleasant for everyone.  Try to time things so that you’re home for your regular mealtimes, unless you want to have a picnic in lieu of a regular meal. 

    If you know you’ll be sitting around waiting for a while (like a doctor’s office), take a book you can read to them or a game for them to play with.  I had some useful manipulatives and learning tools that came in handy at these times.  It’s a shame to waste opportunities like these. When the kids are older, have them bring something they’ll enjoy; it’s good for them to take responsibility for their own entertainment.  Word find and crossword puzzle books are useful for times like this.  Being prepared for various eventualities makes a big difference.

    Avivah

  • Using a baby wrap carrier

    I’m in love!  I can’t believe that it’s taken me until my ninth baby to use a wrap style carrier, but it’s amazing!  I’m so thrilled to have found something so easy to use, comfortable for the baby and easy on the back. 

    I first saw someone using a baby wrap when I was pregnant with my fifth child, and though I thought it looked  like a good idea, it didn’t occur to me to pursue getting one for myself.  I had a sling, and that worked well enough for me.  The wrap also looked kind of funky, in my opinion, and seemed complicated.  The sling hasn’t been something I’ve used much for the past few kids, though it was invaluable with my third baby (who is now almost 13).  But for my last two babies, we had so many hands wanting to hold them that I didn’t really feel the need for a baby carrier, so it didn’t matter much that I didn’t have an effective one to use. 

    Now that I have this new wrap, I really feel that I missed out on having one with my last babies, because it makes it so much easier to take care of a baby.  I received this wrap (called a Sleepy Wrap) as a gift from an online friend – it’s amazing how we can connect to others through the internet without ever meeting them.  She finished using it for her baby boy and thought I might enjoy it.  She was SO right.  I’ve really wanted to buy a wrap for the past few months, but kept thinking I could make one myself for a lot less than $40.  But I wasn’t feeling very motivated to make one, and I didn’t. 

    When she emailed to ask if I was interested in the wrap, I couldn’t believe it!  There really was nothing I could think of that I wanted for this baby except for a wrap, and this was just so perfect!  As I sit here at the computer, the baby has been snugly against my chest the whole time, sleeping in the wrap.  Especially with two toddlers, I really appreciate being able to keep the baby close while having the use of both hands. This morning, he woke up at 5 and though I went to bed early, I lost track of time when I got caught up in a new book I’m reading (Atlas Shrugged – fascinating and thought provoking – I read 500 pages since yesterday afternoon, and am almost halfway through it) – it was 2 pm when I realized how late it was and turned the lights out.  Facing the day with three hours of sleep would usually make me feel like crying, but I just got up, stuck the baby in the wrap, read my book while standing for a short while, and he was asleep before long.  Then I sat down in the recliner, leaned back, and with him still in the wrap fell back asleep myself!  Everytime he began to stir, I’d just slightly rock the recliner; I got another couple of hours of sleep like this.

    Not only am I enjoying the wrap, but my kids are, too!  We’ve only had it for five days, but so far five kids have tried it – dd8, ds10, dd12, dd14, and ds15.  Ds15 didn’t enjoy it because the baby happened to be hungry when he used it and was crying.  I told him to try it another time after he’s been fed.  The other three all loved it – it was so cute to see dd8 sitting on the couch after our yom tov meal, reading her book with the baby cuddled up to her in the wrap.  Dd12 took the toddlers for a yom tov walk while carrying the baby in the wrap (dd14 told her she was embarrassed to be seen with her and wouldn’t go along with them if she wore the wrap – “only mothers are supposed to wear wraps in public”), and also wore him a bunch in the house. 

    Tonight dh and I went to a curriculum fair, and we took only the baby along.  I had him in the wrap the entire time, and it made it so easy to keep him content (he slept soundly the entire time) while shopping and shmoozing with the homeschool moms selling stuff.  (And yes, I got loads of good deals – my dh asked me if he should look for anything in particular.  He was glancing through some brand new curriculum at brand new prices, and I told him, I don’t buy stuff at those prices.  My target price is free or almost free!  We spent $15 and got five boxes filled with books, a bunch of videos made by the Feature Films for Family company (I very much like those because they are clean and have good values – I have a very hard time finding videos that meet my standards but those I’ve so far aquired from the thrift store have been good), and also got some nice odds and ends, like a low power microscope, tupperware picnic container, chemistry set, game of Candyland, and a few homeschooling cassettes.  The kids will have fun unloading everything in the morning, since they were asleep when we got home.)

    Something I like about this particular wrap is the stretchiness of the material, which holds the baby close and doesn’t work it’s way loose.  I’m far from an expert on other wraps – this is the only one I’ve ever used, but it works for me and I’m very appreciative to have it!   

    Avivah

  • Baby nicknames

    It’s funny to see how quickly a tiny baby aquires nicknames!  Until we name our kids, I usually call them something like ‘cutie tootie baby’ – not so original, but so what?  As soon as this baby was born, the kids already started calling him ‘chamoodi’.  This was due to something that happened when our last baby was born.  My ds was then 8, and because that baby had so much dark hair (he’s very fair now, with blue eyes – people can’t believe it when we say he was darker than any of the kids at birth), said he looked like a gorilla.  He asked my dh how to say ‘gorilla’ in Hebrew, and my dh, knowing what our son’s intent was in asking, told him ‘chamoodi’ (cutie).  So ds went around calling the baby chamoodi, thinking he was putting one over on all of us by calling the baby a gorilla.  I think he did wonder a little why we didn’t stop him.  The look on his face when he discovered a few days later that he had been calling the baby a cutie and everyone but him realized that was priceless! 

    When this baby was a day old, my ds6 told me that he looked like Yoda (from Star Wars).  He didn’t say it in a joking way, or to make fun of the baby, so I asked him what he meant.  He told me that ‘the baby has old eyes’, which was perceptive of him, since newborn do have a look of ancient wisdom in their eyes.  He’s a very different personality from his older ‘gorilla’ naming brother, so it didn’t occur to him to call the baby Yoda. 🙂

    But don’t worry, we still have plenty of nicknames already in use!  As soon as the baby was named (Shimshon), that very day we had three different nicknames for him.  Shim, Shimmy, Shimshy – and my ds3 said he wanted to call him ‘Shimmy the youngest’, because of a book we have by that name. I do think that when giving a child a name, you should give them a name that both you and they will be happy to use.  But I’ve nicknamed all of my kids, and as long as the nicknames are nice, then I’m the last to complain!

    Avivah

  • Getting kids to bed without screaming

    >>How do you get your kids to bed without screaming?  My 3 and 5 year olds give me lots of excuses for getting out of bed, and the only thing that finally gets them to stay in bed is when I yell at them.  I feel horrible about this but I just don’t know what else to do.  And what makes it even worse is that it isn’t even effective long term – the next night the same thing happens. << 

    Putting kids to bed can be a pleasure or a nightmare.  For the most part I’ve enjoyed bedtimes, but can remember when my kids were very little and wouldn’t stay in, no matter what I did, I thought.  I was wrong – there was plenty I could have done, but I didn’t know how to effectively go about it.  The great part about dealing with this while your kids are so young is that they can change their habits fairly quickly when they see that you mean business.

    First of all, have a pleasant winding down bedtime routine.  For us this has almost always meant dinner, and then reading out loud together to everyone once they’re in pajamas.  The day is long and hectic, and they need time to emotionally transition to the slower pace of the nighttime.  It’s very hard to fall asleep when you feel revved up!  After reading, we usually sing Shema together, give hugs and kisses, and then they get in bed.  It sounds like this is the point where you’re having trouble.  You’re spent the time and energy getting them in bed and are pretty much emotionally finished, ready to have some quiet time to yourself.  So their tiny voices requesting a drink, the bathroom, the need to show you something, are far from appreciated right now!  Right?

    Kids can sense parental ambivalence, and they can tell when you mean business.  They aren’t listening to you because you’re projecting ambivalence about what you really want.  You may think that if you’re screaming, you can’t possibly be ambivalent.  Right – that’s why they finally listen when you scream – it’s not the screaming but the clear message you’re giving that they’re responding to.  But think about this some more: what do you do before you start screaming?  Are you giving your kids a clear and unambiguous message right away when they start with the very first excuse to get out of bed?  Why not?  What’s going on in your head when the nighttime routine starts to unravel?  Kids crave clarity and boundaries, and you need to communicate what the boundaries for bedtime are with firmness, from a place of inner calm.    It seems to me that you’re taught your kids that until you yell, they can ignore what you say. 

    If a child of mine wants a drink, I don’t mind if they get themselves water and get back into bed. But after that, that’s it.  If they ask to get out of bed, I say, “No, it’s time for sleeping now.  You can do xyz in the morning.”  If they ask again, it’s the broken record – I say the same thing in the same matter of fact, no nonsense voice.  Because they know I mean this, that usually ends it (though every so often we go through this again with the next child who needs to learn this lesson for himself, most recently ds3).  But they didn’t always know that I meant it.  What did I do to show them I meant what I said?

    Important – whatever specific action you take, remember, you need to be firm but calm.   You shouldn’t be reacting to the situation, but responding.  There’s a big difference.  When we’re reacting, it’s coming from a place of irritation and anger.  A lot of times, our anger is actually coming from our frustration and feeling helpless about how to deal with a situation, and our thoughts about the situation, not from what the child is actually doing. So the first thing is to address what’s going on with you and respond from a place of inner calm.  I found it helpful to remember that I was doing it for the child’s benefit, that they needed to get a good night’s sleep, and I was acting from a place of love and kindness by helping them learn to stay in bed.  And it really helped me to feel calm once I felt I had a way to effectively handle the situation, rather than feeling like they were in control of the situation instead of me – that addressed the feeling of powerlessness that I was really bothered by. 

    Here’s what worked for me.  I put them all in bed, and then sat outside their door with a book to read to myself so I wouldn’t get bored.  (For very little kids, you can even sit at the foot of their bed.  But don’t look at them, smile, or make conversation – unless you don’t mind them finding strategies to keep you interacting with them.)  They popped out of bed – surprise!  There I was.  I got up immediately, and without any anger or talking, matter of factly put them right back in bed.  If they protested (and you know they did!), I said calmly, “Now it’s time for bed.”  If they got up again – I was there right away before they hardly had time to climb out.  If they asked me something, I said, “No talking now, it’s bedtime.”  They got the message very quickly that there was no emotional or physical gain by repeatedly getting up or trying to get me to respond.  They didn’t get attention, positive or negative, and they didn’t get whatever physical things they might have wanted (like a snack).  In the daytime they got lots of attention and my receptive ear.  How long do you think young children will keep this up if they consistently are getting the same response?

    (By the way, I did basically the same thing when my kids got older and I found that they were talking and talking and talking after they were in bed, and it was escalating to being loud and rowdy.)

    So to recap: 1) intercept them immediately (ie, don’t wait for them to walk around five minutes before responding – I’ve found the immediacy is an important factor since it needs to be very clear to them what you’re responding to); 2) respond calmly and firmly.  And 3) repeat as necessary.  🙂

    Good luck!

    Avivah

  • Get involved in your child’s interests

    My ds15 and ds10 are both good baseball players – very good.  And for years, I attended every game, sitting in the field with all of the other kids for hours every Sunday while first the younger one played in his league, and then the older one played in his league. But then my husband’s work schedule shifted and he needed to take our only vehicle to work on Sundays, so last year I wasn’t able to attend most of the games.

    Fortunately, only my ds10 (then 9) was playing last year; my oldest son had aged out of his league and was coaching his brother’s team, and they went together to the games.  This year, they are again both playing baseball, but now in two separately administered leagues which means two different locations.  I’m so grateful to my in-laws for taking ds15 to his games, and my mom for taking ds9 to his games, because otherwise they’d really miss out. 

    As much as I appreciate that they get to their games without my involvement being necessary, I’ve kind of missed being actively involved in supporting them with my presence.  They come home and tell me about how the games were, but it’s not the same as you being there to see it for yourself.  Several times this season I’ve planned to go to their mid week games, and they’ve been rained out every time.  But on Friday I finally got my chance.

    Friday isn’t a day that they usually have a game, but this was the All Star game for ds15.  What that means is all six teams in the league send their 4 best players to play a game together. They determine who to send by having all of the players on each team vote.  Ds was one of those voted in for his team, and since this is an extra game, they needed to schedule it at a time the field was available – 5 pm on Friday afternoon (they ended at 7 to accomodate those who were shomer Shabbos).

    Now you might think this wasn’t the most convenient time – and it wasn’t – but I was really glad I’d finally be able to be there!  Not only was I able to go, but I took most of the other kids (dh took ds6 and 10 swimming), too.  I enjoyed being able to watch him in person, and share in his sense of achievement and pleasure in the game.   I was able to watch him pitch during a high pressure situation and feel totally relaxed and confident in him, even as some of his pitches weren’t landing where he wanted them.  While he was playing, I was able to appreciate not only the pressure he was under, but how well he handled the pressure, something I wouldn’t have known if I hadn’t been there.  When I saw him at bat, I saw for myself why he was considered the best hitter in the league.  And as I was watching, I kept thinking about this is why it’s so important it is to be involved with something your child cares about, and how grateful I was that I could be there for my ds. 

    He knew why the legitimate reasons I hadn’t been able to come until now and didn’t have any complaints about it.  But when I told him I’d be coming to this game, it meant alot to him – he didn’t expect me to allow him to play late on erev Shabbos, let alone come along myself.  He knew it wasn’t convenient for me, and I was able to show him, without saying a word about it, that sharing in something important to him was important to me, too.  

    You know, we all do things for our kids every day, but when kids assume something is a given in their lives, it’s not much of a deposit in the relationship bank for them.  They expect to be fed, for example, so giving them dinner every night isn’t a big deal for them emotionally, though it would be for a child who was neglected and not fed regular meals.  It’s generally when you do something that they feel is extra that you have the chance to show how much you care, and this was a significant deposit for ds.  When I told my son how much I enjoyed watching him play, he earnestly thanked me for coming and told me how much he appreciated that I was there. 

    When your children have a passion or interest, follow up on it.  And though you need to give them space for it to be ‘theirs’ (not like one of those parents who cares more than the child does about the activity), be actively interested and show that you care.  No matter how old they are and how independent they may seem, our interest in them shows them that we love them. 

    Avivah

  • More energy work 🙂

    Last night my ds10 was complaining about neck stiffness, which I usually tend to brush off after telling him to take a hot bath or put a heating pad on his neck to loosen things up.  But my ds15 was there and told me that it’s really becoming problematic for his younger brother, so I right away got on the phone to make an appointment with my amazing chiropractor.  I’ve never taken any of my kids before, soley because of financial constraints, since the visits aren’t covered by insurance and are totally out of pocket expenses.

    But I felt it was important that he be seen right away, and I took him to her this afternoon.  I was really surprised by what came up with him when she worked on him!  (I’m assuming that everyone who reads this has already read my explanations about energy work a few posts back.  If not, go back and look or none of this will make sense.)

    The first level of energy blockage was regarding him feeling depleted by math (he’s in fourth grade and starting pre-algebra), which was very helpful to me to know.  I don’t push him, he’s just naturally good at math and has been self propelled, but it seems like it’s become a pressure for him.  I have some thoughts on how to better support him in this area and how to help him feel less overwhelmed by it that I’ll start to apply right away.  

    The second level of blockage (deeper) was something socially he wants to do but can’t.  This was also easy to figure out; ds15 told me on motzei Shabbos that it was a good thing I agreed to let ds10 have a sleep over that night because he’s been feeling deprived.  It’s funny that he would feel lacking socially since more than any of the kids, he’s always going to friends, speaks to his best friend several times a day on the phone in addition to regular play dates and sleep overs, etc.  He makes friends easily and enjoys being around people, and always wants to be with them more than I want him to be out of the house.  I’m not worrying about this issue – I think we have a good balance regarding his social needs and he needed energy clearing more than we need to change anything in this area.  She asked him some questions afterwards about this and seemed to feel the same way.

    It was the third layer of blocked energy that was the most interesting, and made it very clear why his neck stiffness became very intense right around now.  It’s directly related to his fear of his relationship with me being affected by a new baby, a fear of being ‘cut off and bereft of spiritual guidance and protection’.   I didn’t expect any of these issues; I thought it would probably be more about me expecting too much or being demanding of him, and him feeling like he couldn’t live up to my expectations.  But actually she said he feels a deep bond with me, and none of the issues I worried I was causing him seemed to be there. 

    All of these issues were concentrated in his neck area, so after doing the energy clearing, she did a chiropractic adjustment and massage.  When she finished he left the room for a couple of minutes.  While I was standing next to her waiting for him, she quickly checked my energy, and then the baby’s energy.  She said she’s picking up fear regarding the birth.  I asked her where it was coming from, and she said that it’s not from me, but it’s the baby – he/she is afraid of being born.  This was really interesting because on Friday, my kids asked me when I thought the baby would be born, and I told them I felt that for some reason our baby was afraid of being born and I didn’t think labor was going to happen anytime soon, and we might be in for a lot longer wait than any of us would have expected.  I’ve never said or thought anything like that for any of the past eight babies, so don’t ask me why I thought that; it was kind of a spontaneous intuitive thought.  I asked why a baby would be afraid of being born, and she quietly pointed to my son, who had just come back into the room, and said that the baby’s fear and my ds’s fear are somehow connected.  But there’s no way to know how or why since souls can have contact from very far back.  She said not to worry about it since she cleared it away from both of them. 

    Isn’t it fascinating how many layers of complexity there are that we aren’t even aware of?  So now my kids are thinking that because of this energy work the baby will be born tonight (every morning at least a couple of kids run to my room to see if the baby was born during the night!), and I keep trying to tell them to just relax and whenever it will happen it will happen. 

    Avivah