Category Archives: Self-Growth

What would you do today if you were brave? Here’s my answer.

Self-Growth

I’ve discovered a song that I’ve fallen in love with.  Really.

This uplifting and inspiring song (the only kind of song I like:) ) is ‘If I Were Brave’, by Jana Stanfield.  In this song she asks the question, “What step would I take today if I were brave?”

This is a powerful question and there are different answers for every person, and different answers even for me on different days.  I want to share my recent leap of courage with you.

Actually, sharing with you is brave, too, because I’m going outside of my preference to keep things to myself until there’s a successful resolution.  I’m willing to share about this now because the victory isn’t in the having but in the doing, in being willing to stretch outside of my comfort zone.

Having said that, here’s my action….

 

 

 

I’m applying for a TED Fellowship.

In case that doesn’t mean anything to you, I’ll very briefly explain.  There is an annual TED conference held each year in the US; twenty Fellows are chosen to present at the conference.

How did I decide to do this?  Well, it wasn’t exactly because I wanted to, since my voice of fear was strong enough to drown out any other voice.  But the divine timing made it clear I needed to recognize a serious nudge from the universe for what it was.

So about that divine timing.

Recently I was watching several TED talks on parenting, and commented that it’s a shame that none of those presenters had much experience as parents.  My nineteen year old daughter asked me, “How do people apply to speak there?”, and I told her, “I don’t think they apply, they’re probably chosen based on being well-known in some way already.”

Early the next morning I woke up to a Facebook message by an organizer of one of my recent talks, sent less than thirty minutes after the exchange between my daughter and I.

On my screen was a link to apply to TED, followed by the comment, “Avivah – I think you should really apply for becoming a TED Fellow.”   I could almost hear the Twighlight Zone music playing in the background.

Even though I love speaking and I love inspiring people, my first thought was, “Absolutely not.”  Followed by, “I can’t.”  Followed by, “They’ll never choose me anyway so why should I bother?”

courageI’ve had growing awareness of some of my subtle strategies to keep myself in my comfort zone, along with the sometimes uncomfortable clarity that I need to start letting go of these habits.  Those knee jerk responses I just shared with you?  Yep, my way of staying right where I am!  Have you ever done something similar?

The timing combined with the internal work I’m doing was sending me a pretty clear message.  I bounced the idea off of some people for their perspective, and far from telling me it was too much of a reach for me, they all thought it was obvious I needed to apply!  (Garumph, why are these things so blindingly obvious to other people??)

You can not imagine how much courage I had to continually summon up during this application process.   I am seriously proud of myself for getting that application in!

My focus isn’t on the end result. Of course I would be honored to be chosen and would love to present on the TED stage.  But I already won the invisible battle with myself – well, this round, anyway.

Avivah

Before you make a new goal – reflect on what you’ve already done right!

Self-Growth

5805-resolutions.630w.tn[1]There’s something about new beginnings that inspires people to set goals and make resolutions.

Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, is almost here, and it’s inspiring this kind of thinking for me.  Of course I see lots of room for improvement!

It’s easy to get overwhelmed when thinking about how we want to improve ourselves.  Before you make any resolutions, take time to slow down and reflect deeply on what you’ve accomplished in the past year.

Some of you are squirming right now, thinking that you haven’t accomplished much of anything this year.  That’s a lie.  It’s a lie that your mind tells you to keep  you from being your brightest and most beautiful self.  Denying your accomplishments of the past will set you up to fail in the future.

Don’t eclipse the good you’ve done in your rush to look at the areas you still need to work on.  There will be always room for improvement but we don’t build ourselves by self-flagellation!

Believe me, you’ve done plenty to feel good about this past year.  Have you improved your character in some way?  Become more compassionate?  Learned to honor your boundaries?  Increased your self-awareness?  Made time for self-care?

Have you met a goal or completed a project on any scale?  Spent more time with family and friends?  Improved a skill?  Developed a hobby or begun exercising?  Improved your nutrition?  Gotten rid of some clutter?

Sometimes others can see your changes more clearly than you can.  I helped someone who was discouraged with her goals for the coming year and what she saw as her lack of progress.  She only saw the mountain ahead of her that still needed to be climbed – she couldn’t see how far she had climbed up the mountain!  I reminded her of where she was a year ago, the things she was struggling with then, and gave examples of areas in which I saw significant growth. She had almost forgotten those struggles and had taken for granted the huge leaps she’s made in a year!

When you can see the ways you’ve advanced over the past year, it encourages you to continue!  Growth usually happens slowly and steadily over time and you don’t notice it happening until time has passed; then you look back and say, “Wow, I don’t do that bad habit as much anymore.”  Or, “I’ve changed my outlook in this way.” Or, “Hmm, I accept myself more than I did last year.”

The challenge with subtle growth is that it’s too easy to overlook all that you’ve done right and think nothing has happened.  Be conscious of your growth, acknowledge your efforts, and be proud of yourself!

Once you’ve done this, you have a solid and truthful foundation to build on for the coming year!

Avivah

Making gratitude and forgiveness a daily habit

Homemaking, Marriage, Parenting, Self-Growth,

Lately there has been a lot of focus on the importance of healing our world through love for others.

Last night we were discussing why this love was so important and also why it is so challenging.  I believe it’s because our generation struggles on a massive scale with lack of self-knowledge and self-love, and you can’t love others when you don’t love yourself.

The following process that I’m going to share with you is one that has helped me to be more loving toward myself and others.

1) Gratitude list – First thing in the morning you write five things you’re grateful for.GratitudeJournal-esolla[1]

I’ve been writing gratitude lists for over twenty years on a regular basis and this is a wonderful practice for keeping your mind in a good place.  There are so many wonderful things even on the worst day but you don’t notice them unless you make a habit of it.

Learning to recognize the good makes life much more easier and more enjoyable.

2) Forgiveness list – Next you write down five people/things/situations you forgive; it can be for something small or big.  I determine what goes on the list based on my feelings of resentment.  It doesn’t matter how minor these resentments are; if I keep them inside they’re toxic to me and I need to practice forgiveness for every single one.

ForgiveHeart

Don’t say you don’t have resentments; we all do but we often bury them inside and don’t recognize them for what they are.  I used to think as a pretty positive person that didn’t have many resentments. That was until I learned to recognize those twinges of frustration, irritation and upset for what they were!  Resentments.  Get the resentments out of you and down on paper.

Sometimes I put people down repeatedly on my forgiveness list because if I feel resentment or tension when I think of them after having put them on a prior list, I know I still have negative energy to release.  Sometimes I need to put myself down on the list – to forgive myself for not doing something in the way I wanted to do it.  I think we all have to forgive ourselves for being imperfect in the many ways we tell ourselves we’re not enough.

3) After you write these two lists, read your forgiveness list out loud to yourself.

4) Then you read your gratitude list out loud.

5) Finally, follow the reading of these lists with an enthusiastic verbal declaration, “And that’s why I’m having/going to have a great day!”

This process starts your day by focusing on the good, releasing the negative and giving your mind a powerful message of positivity.

What I’m experiencing as a result of this daily practice is that I’m moving through irritations much faster, even before actively releasing them the next morning!  For example, a few days ago I was loading my groceries into the taxi to go home. When I had loaded half the groceries in the car (it was half of a full shopping cart), the driver informed me he was going to charge me extra above the set fee since I had more than one shopping cart.  I told him I had just one cart and that the cart next to mine was someone else’s but he started yelling at me that I had two.  So I unloaded all my things and got a different taxi to take me home.

By the time I was driving away from this scene with taxi driver no. 2, I was already thinking, “I’m going to put this driver (and the driver of the taxi in front of me that yelled at someone with young children for not getting in fast enough) on my forgiveness list tomorrow” and it took away so much negative emotion.  It’s empowering to have a tool to actively let go of negativity toward someone/something.

This technique is so simple but very powerful – I highly recommend it if you want to become a happier, more peaceful and more appreciative person.  (If you try this, I’d love to hear what your experience is after a couple of weeks.)  

When it comes to feeling love for others – it’s so much easier to feel positively towards others when you make appreciating and forgiving them a regular part of your life.

Avivah

A strikingly different and refreshing idea about acceptance of others

Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

Several weeks ago I attended a play called, “Seeing the Beauty in those who are Different”.  I really wasn’t sure what to expect and had some apprehensions about attending since I knew it had something to do with Down sydrome and I have a problem with the limited and stereotypical presentations of those with T21.

The two person play was powerful but left me with mixed feelings.  The play was followed by a question and answer session with the audience that was compromised mostly of teen volunteers who worked with children with various disabilities.  The director who played the main character with T21 led this and his comments were quite insightful.

Afterward I spoke to the director and I shared with him my ambivalence about seeing a person with T21 portrayed in a way that might feed into common social perception.  He agreed with me that people with T21 can and do achieve wonderful things and live mainstreamed lives.  But, he said, the unfortunate reality is that many people with disabilities don’t have the family support that my son has.   He explained the background of the character to me, and said that far from being stereotypical, the main character has a lot of strength and independence – he is living in an assisted living facility, forgotten by his family.  He works, buys his own clothes and despite his loneliness, refuses a visit from someone he suspects is doing it out of pity.  He has no outside support and yet he maintains a courageous attitude toward daily life.

At the end of our conversation, I asked the director, “How would you sum up your message in this play – to accept others?”

He adamantly said, ” Who am I to accept someone else?  Acceptance implies that you’re better than someone else.  We don’t say we have to accept someone who we feel equal to and certainly not someone we feel is above us.   What I want people to do is look into another person’s eyes and recognize their humanity, and interact with them from that position.”

I was struck by the power of this thought.  To me acceptance was a pretty good thing to strive for societally but his comment helped me recognize that I was living with a limited sense of what acceptance really is about.

It was a major paradigm shifter for me that can be applied to many situations that go far beyond the disability community.  Really, it applies anytime you encounter a person or idea who isn’t aligned with you and your way of thinking – to see the person and not focus on his actions, and relate to him from a position of respect and honest connection.

How does this idea about acceptance impact your way of looking at those who are different than you?

Avivah

A kosher phone or not a kosher phone, that really isn’t the question

aliyah, Parenting, Self-Growth

Last year I decided to join the twentieth century and got a cell phone.  Yes, I realize I’m about twenty years behind everyone else. 🙂  I resisted because I didn’t want to be on call all the time and try to limit my usage of technology because of my concerns about how it’s encroaching on our lives societally.

Anyway, the time had come that I needed unlimited long distance calling and I could get that affordably with a particular cell phone plan.  I was given a choice of a kosher or non-kosher line (a kosher phone is one that can’t access the internet) and chose a kosher phone.  I have no need for anything more than the most basic phone so this worked for me.

Fast forward a year and we moved to Ramat Beit Shemesh.  When we got here, I had terrible reception with my cell phone provider. After two months of not being able to make it work, we were happy to finally find another cell phone provider that had good coverage in our area and also had an unlimited long distance plan (the most important criteria for me since I call overseas daily).  But it didn’t offer a kosher phone option.  It didn’t really make a difference to me since I have a simple phone that isn’t capable of accessing the internet and don’t want anything more, so I got the non-kosher option.

Today dd and I met with a principal of a high school (yet another one!) we’re considering and after we finished went down to speak to the secretary to schedule the follow-up interview.  The secretary asked what my phone number was.  I started telling her the number, and she exclaimed, “It’s not a kosher number?!”  (There’s a one digit difference in numbers that are kosher or not.)

I told her that I had a kosher phone until recently but changed because of a lack of coverage where I lived, at which point I was abruptly cut off and told that of course there’s coverage in my area, that it’s a big problem that I have a nonkosher phone since parents in that school aren’t allowed to have them. (This school has a strict policy on technology usage as they don’t want a home environment that conflicts with values and attitudes they want to convey.)

I felt bothered that she was implying I was lying or making excuses or whatever negative thoughts she was having about me, but told her of course I would switch to a kosher phone if that was the school rule but right now this is the number I have.  She responded in a way that felt hostile and judgmental to me.

I left, fuming inside, and by the time I got to the bus stop a two minute walk from the school I was ready to call and cancel the follow up meeting for the next day.  No way would I send my daughter to a school where a secretary spoke to me in that disrespectful way and dared to judge me by the number of my cell phone.

shutterstock_16194385_crop380w[1]

But then I started thinking, what do I stand for and what do I really want?  Is this really a deal breaker or is my ego getting in the way?  I don’t have a philosophical issue with having a kosher phone or not since I use the phone the same way regardless.  I knew this school had rules that were more stringent than what I would personally choose but chose to look into it further because in many ways it’s the best fit for my daughter.  In some ways it’s not.  Every institution is going to have something I don’t like about it and the spirit behind the rules is in line with the spirit I try to raise my children with.

But the interaction I had was unpleasant for me.

I thought about this issue and what it represented to me from all angles, and determined that I was letting my ego get the better of me.  I don’t know why the secretary reacted as she did rather than politely notify me what the school policy on this was but it was a mistake for me to assume that she was judging me.  It felt that way to me but feelings aren’t always facts and it’s presumptuous for me to think I know what goes on in someone else’s mind.

But I do know what goes on in my own mind.  It’s so easy to get stuck in ego and convince ourselves that it’s about the principle of the matter!  This is why I had to think so much about this, to clarify what this interaction of less than five minutes was honestly about for me.

You know what?  It wasn’t about the cell phone policy.  It was about me being resentful that I was judged unfairly.

Fear of judgment and ego.  A bad combination to make decisions from.

I didn’t cancel the next interview, so dd will continue the interview and testing process.  Perhaps she’ll be accepted, maybe not.  Maybe she’ll be accepted and decide she would rather attend a different school, maybe not.  I’m open to accepting whatever the outcome is, because I’m taking my ego out of the driver’s seat of my decision making and leaving the final result up to G-d.

Avivah

The busy summer season is in full swing at our house!

Homemaking, Parenting, Self-Growth

It’s a busy season of life now and I haven’t done a personal update for a while so here goes!

Dd20 moved back home several weeks after we moved to RBS while she continues to work in Jerusalem.  Dd18 graduated seminary last week (I’m not supposed to embarrass her and say how she was honored so I won’t) and moved back home this week.  She’s finishing her second year of industrial design and has one year remaining of her college studies.  We now have three girls in the girls’ room and had to add closet space and additional shelving to accommodate the increase in storage needs.  🙂  It is SO nice to have the older girls at home again, even though they’re so busy with work and school that we don’t see much of them.

Tonight we hosted a bridal shower for a friend of dd20 and dd18; I simultaneously attended a high school graduation.  Tomorrow afternoon is a petter chamor ceremony locally that I’d like to take the kids to; I’ve only been to one before this and most people have never been to one at all.  Tomorrow morning this is what we’ll be learning about before we go!

Tomorrow night there will be a presentation I’m planning to attend in RBS called “Seeing the Beauty in Those Who Are Different”.  This will be “a one-of-a-kind, fascinating event on how we can all understand better the mindset, capabilities and drives of those with Down Syndrome. But really, the event is about seeing the beauty in those who are different from ourselves.”  I hope that this will be an empowering evening that will open peoples’ minds to the potential and abilities of people with T21.

Family members from the US arrived a couple of days ago to share in the celebration of our upcoming bar mitzva!  Ds12 put on tefillin for the first time on erev Shabbos/Shavuos.  This Shabbos we’ll be having family members with us for all the meals for a total of about 20.  We’re keeping our plans on a smaller scale than our last bar mitzva, to honor the personality and preferences of the son we’re celebrating with.

This coming week dh and I will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary.

We have Yirmiyahu’s third birthday coming up a week after the bar mitzva which means we’ll be having his upsherin (haircut for a boy when he turns three).  I can’t believe how big he is already!  The time really has flown by.

Even without all of these milestone events, I’ve been busier than ever since moving!  There are a lot of choices for how to spend my time and now more than ever I need to plan carefully to make room for what’s important so it doesn’t get crowded out.

Avivah

The countertops arrived and my new kitchen is ruined – expectations, disappointment and acceptance

Homemaking, Marriage, Parenting, Self-Growth, Trisomy 21

I haven’t written about my kitchen renovation progress even though the counters were installed a week ago.

The counter is beautiful.  And the cabinets are beautiful.

But the shade of the countertops isn’t a perfect match for the cabinets.  The cabinets are a pinkish beige and the countertop is a yellowish beige and while that doesn’t sound like a big deal, it’s off.  It’s not what I was envisioning.

The loss of a dream can be a very painful thing.

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When Yirmiyahu was born and I found out he had Trisomy 21, I accepted it very quickly – in less than a minute.  No regrets, no what if, no wishing it would be different.

But most parents go through a mourning period after learning of the diagnosis, because it’s hard to let go of your dream of who your child will be.

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Why was it so easy for me to accept my newborn son had Down syndrome and after a week I’m still struggling to accept my countertops being a different shade than I anticipated?

When I got the news about the T21, it was clear that was the reality and there was nothing that was going to change that.  The only option was to look forward and do the best I could to nurture the child I had.

I also  have a very strong belief that everything in this world happens as it’s meant to happen, when it’s meant to happen, to whom it’s meant to happen.  G-d doesn’t make mistakes and nothing about Yirmiyahu or him being part of our family was a mistake.

But this countertop…it felt like a mistake.  My mistake.  I have a good sense of what looks right together.  This isn’t the kind of mistake that I should have made.  Except that I did and how it happened doesn’t really matter.

And  –  I don’t want to call it grieving because that should be saved for really serious situations – I’m feeling a sense of loss and sadness.  I invested a lot into this project because the final vision of what it would look like motivated me.   After the countertops arrived, I lost all interest in finishing the kitchen.  I wished I hadn’t started it.  Better to have kept the old tiny yucky kitchen than to invest myself in a project that didn’t turn out the way I wanted, my mind said.

While I can accept what G-d sends, it’s harder for me to accept a mistake that I made and realize, this is also the way that G-d wanted it.

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As long as I’m wishing I could change the countertops, tell myself that I can’t bear looking at it every day, think how it’s a reminder of my failure – I’m not going to find acceptance.  And without acceptance there’s no emotional peace and definitely no happiness.

Acceptance truly is the answer.   Acceptance will only come when I can internalize that this is how it is, this is how it’s meant to be and this is G-d’s will just as much as something that doesn’t have any element of human involvement attached to it.  It means focusing on what I have, not on what doesn’t fit my image of how it should be.

When I begin to let go of my insistence that something is wrong and realign my vision with the reality that’s now in front of me, it’s freeing.  I can focus on what’s right.  I have a well-designed kitchen that uses the space well, that’s easy to organize.  I have all the features in my kitchen that I wanted.  All while staying within my budget.

Since what I want is emotional health, serenity and peace, this is what I’m choosing.  To accept that I don’t always get what I want, to enjoy what I have, and to notice what a beautiful countertop I have – even if it’s not the right shade.

Avivah

Getting ready for Shabbos early and in a relaxed way

Homemaking, Self-Growth

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERARemember earlier in the week I wrote about wanting to upgrade the way that I approach Shabbos?

Something that’s important to me is being ready earlier on Friday so that I’m not busy until the last minute before candlelighting.  As anyone who faces this deadline knows, it’s a challenge since somehow what needs to be done grows to match the time you have available.

Good intentions are nice but without starting preparations earlier in the week you’re unlikely to be able to be ready when you want to be. There’s just so much to do!  This week I sat down with my planner on Saturday night to think about what my goal for the coming week was in order to plan for success.  My goal is to light candles on time and in a relaxed way, and ideally be finished by midday Friday.  I want the hours before Shabbos to become a gentle segue into the special spirit of the day versus a sudden shift in atmosphere once the candles are lit.

I  work quickly and often do too many things on Friday because I can.  Then there’s too much squeezed into too little time, which doesn’t make for a relaxed entrance to Shabbos.

Here’s my general plan:

  • Make a list of what I need to buy/do by Tuesday.
  • Do the shopping by Wednesday night.
  • Do any sewing repairs by Wednesday.
  • Finish all the laundry in the house by Thursday night.  (I often have two kids who come home on Friday with laundry so I can’t avoid doing laundry on Friday but I can limit it to only their clothing.)
  • Do the bulk of cooking and baking on Thursday.
  • Don’t do anything on Friday that isn’t related to Shabbos preparations (organizing projects, errands, blog posts).

Friday is reserved for basic cleaning (no big organizing or cleaning projects!), baths, haircuts, nail cutting, heating up the prepared food and setting up the hot plate.  All of this needs to be actively planned so that I don’t get overly relaxed, thinking everything is done and then rushing at some point in spite of all my advance preparations.

Your goals will be different than mine and the way you go about getting ready for Shabbos on time will be different as well.  Thinking and planning ahead is what makes it work for us all!  And lighting candles on time and in a relaxed way is spiritually powerful for us all.

I’m dedicating the merit of lighting Shabbos candles in a timely and relaxed way for the complete healing of Chaya Dina bas Sarah.  She is very ill and medical doctors have said there’s nothing else they can do for her.  I attended the births of Chaya Dina’s first two children years ago and this is my way of supporting her now.  Please join me in transforming the way you approach Shabbos!

Avivah

My new Shabbos candleholders

Homemaking, Intentional Spending, Self-Growth

Jewish sages teach that the day of Shabbos (Sabbath) is a source of blessing.  I’ve been reflecting on this recently and thinking about different ways that I could value and honor this special day more, to feel and receive more of the blessing in my life.

There are some things I’d like to change about how I approach Shabbos, and one of those things is what I use for candle lighting.  My mother-in-law generously bought me a lovely pair of candlesticks when I got married and I supplemented with tea lights as each child was born.  During an international move fifteen years ago, the candlesticks were badly damaged and couldn’t be repaired.  Since then I’ve used only tea lights in simple glass holders, and when I moved I didn’t bring the holders so for almost 4 years it’s been just tea lights.

It’s not that I wouldn’t have wanted something nicer.  But there’s always something more pressing that needs to be purchased.   While expensive silver candlesticks aren’t my choice for a couple of reasons even though I love how they look, I’ve been thinking that getting nicer candle holders for the candles that I light for Shabbos would be more honoring of this special day.

Yesterday morning I was walking through the industrial zone.  I had several errands there and since I wasn’t on a tight schedule, decided to look into each storefront as I passed in order to familiarize myself with the area.

I noticed a flyer on a storefront window about a sale they were having on crystal candelabras and went inside.  It was a strange store, no lights on, a huge area with boxes and just a couple of bookshelves displaying various items.  I had to actively get the attention of the man who was in charge and he seemed reluctant to answer my question about prices.

When I pressed him for the price, I learned he sells to stores in addition to his own six retail stores but he doesn’t sell to private individuals.  Hence the strange storefront – it’s his warehouse.  He happened to be there for just a half hour loading merchandise to take to the stores when I came in.  He told me even though this wasn’t a storefront, since I was there he was willing to sell to me at the same price he sells to stores (where the prices are then marked up 200 – 400%).

Our new Shabbos candlesticks
Our new Shabbos candlesticks

I’m so happy with them.  They’re beautiful but not overdone or something that would make anyone jealous – just the balance that I wanted.  (The picture above really doesn’t do them justice – I love how the light sparkles through the prisms but you can’t see that here.)

I had such a strong feeling that G-d had led me right into this store at just this time, because I had so much wanted to do something to honor Shabbos.  This ‘coincidence’ made it possible for me to buy lovely crystal candle holders at a price that was affordable for us; I wouldn’t have considered them at the typical retail price.

As our sages have said, “In the way that a man wants to go, so he is led!”

Sample fountain for illustration purposes
Sample fountain

 Edited to add – I wrote this post in the morning and later that night went to a lecture run by Arachim.  I attended a lecture of theirs in the past and wanted to give a donation to support their work but it was given on Shabbos. This time I was able to donate and they gave each person who donated a gift – mine was a kiddush fountain!  

Another way to beautify one of the mitzvos of Shabbos!

Avivah