Category Archives: Self-Growth

Making decision to leave Karmiel

aliyah, Parenting, Self-Growth

ship moving outAfter lots of deliberation and soul searching, we’ve decided to move our family closer to Jerusalem.

This has been a decision that has taken a long time to come to.  I feel that God was trying to show me again and again that this isn’t the place for us but I was so intent on looking for the positives that I kept ignoring the messages.  It wasn’t until ds4 and I were hit by a car in the beginning of October that I started to tune in.

It was hard to even consider moving – my mind kept moving away from it.  I just didn’t want to think of having to start over.  We’ve had so much upheaval in our lives and things were finally beginning to stabilize; the last thing I wanted was to shake things up by moving somewhere new.  Bit by bit, my mind started touching around the edges of the idea and gradually accepting that it was not only necessary but could be very positive for our family in many ways.  To be willing to move, I had to be honest about what was missing for us and also to trust that life could be better than it currently is – and after so many challenges that left me feeling emotionally steamrolled, trusting that things can be good is something I consciously and constantly work on.

Intellectually, it makes perfect sense to move.  Ds20 and dd17 are both in Jerusalem;  dd17 will be able to live at home and ds20 will be able to come home for Shabbos much more frequently.  Ds14 is near Bnei Brak and his travel home each week will be much shorter.  Dd19 will want to be near Jerusalem when she comes back.  Yirmiyahu will have better access to medical care and services.  There are more boys’ high schools so we hopefully won’t have to send any of our other boys to a dorm when they reach high school age.  There’s more homeschooling support in the center of the country, there’s more support for Anglos in the center of the country, there’s potentially more work for my husband in the center of the country.  There’s more everything in the center of the country!

We moved here with a large family that included older teens.  Making aliyah at this stage of life is unusual but we did it because we wanted to continue to preserve our family togetherness even as our children got older, moved out and got married.  Ironically, it was this goal of family closeness that has been most challenged by our location in the north.  Our family has enjoyed many things about living here and I’m glad we moved to Karmiel, but it’s also clear that to stay here will compromise our highest values.

When are we moving?  We don’t know yet!  This isn’t the season in which homes usually come on to the market but I’m hopeful that one will become available very soon in the community that we’ve decided to move to.  We made this decision quite some time ago but weren’t mentally ready to consider moving so soon until a couple of weeks ago, and now my husband’s job ended last week.  This wasn’t part of our plan but it was timing from Above!  So it’s the perfect time for him to search in the Jerusalem area close to where we’ll be living.  (He’s a technical writer – if you have suggestions or leads, please let me know!)

We will really miss Karmiel – our friends, our home and so many wonderful things about it.  But at this time what we most need isn’t here for us.

Avivah

Philosophy of Happiness – TED talk

Self-Growth

Below is a 12 minute talk given three months ago by seventeen year old Sam Berns, who had progeria, a disease that rapidly ages children.  There are less than 300 people in the world with this disease.   In this TED talk, Sam shares about his philosophy for happiness.

Sam died on Friday a week ago but has left behind a message that will continue to inspire and help others going through their own difficulties.

Avivah

Why I joined Facebook – to make the world a better place

Self-Growth

hands[1]>>Because of the privacy invasions inherent with Facebook our family shuns it and always will. It also strikes me as immodest for individuals, to have so much of one’s life publicly available, though its essential for business these days. Why did you feel the need for it? I recall you writing that you do not blog for income. You already have an online presence for your parenting/homeschooling consulting, so I’m wondering how your cost/benefit analysis came down in favor of Facebook. <<

I’ve been blogging for 7.5 years. When I started, most people didn’t even know what a blog was.  At that time I was having my website designed (for my breastfeeding pillow manufacturing business) and asked the designer to add in a blog as a side point, something that could help the new moms making purchases at the site by offering some parenting tips I found helpful.   A blog was such a new idea that my designer was telling me how cutting edge it was to add in something like that!

Eventually I switched the blog to its own platform away from the business site, and for years actively resisted doing anything that would commercialize my blog.  I was approached by those wanting to buy ad space and readers emailed me to tell me they were buying things at my recommendation and wanted me to add affiliate links so I would get credit for the purchases.  Many people told me to monetize.  But I kept refusing.  I thought I was on high moral ground; I didn’t want to cheapen myself or my message with ads or self-promotion.  Now I see that I justified staying in my comfort zone.

I feel differently now.  You know what money is?  Money is time.  When you come right down to it, that’s what it buys you.   I have many responsibilities that require my time.  I wish I had time for all of those who need my help.    I used to embrace helping people while rejecting the financial aspect but as charitable an intention that was, it meant that I was able to help fewer people.

Living in the 21st century, social media is a potentially powerful tool.  Used well, it can make the world a better place.  If with a bit more effort and time – and some stretching of my comfort zone – I can reach significantly more people, then I have a responsibility to do that.  We were each put into this world to shine our unique light – we don’t serve anyone by playing small.

It’s taken a lot of talk from others and from myself for me to overcome my resistance to stepping out more visibly.   I’ve been so resistant.  So resistant.  I  kept insisting that I couldn’t, it wasn’t me, making excuses, so many excuses.  You know what really helps me overcome that negative inner voice?  That it’s not really about me.  I’m here in this world to play the part God put me here for.  And right now Facebook is part of that role.

Avivah

 

Entering the Facebook world

Self-Growth

fbWell, I’ve finally done it.  After years of actively resisting this, I’ve finally entered the world of Facebook.

I’ve had to overcome a few mental hurdles in order to embrace this but I’m continuing to work on doing things that are difficult for me, knowing that every small victory builds character.  Here are some of the things I’m overcoming:

1) Fear of having my time consumed by online activities.   I make a continuous effort to constrain my time online.  Time online more easily than not becomes a huge time suck, where you look at the clock and realize you’ve been clicking here and there for three hours and have nothing to show for it.  I didn’t want to have one more thing to have to control and I was worried about Facebook’s reputation for becoming addictive or at the very least very time consuming.  I had to trust myself that I have the discipline and focus to use this tool appropriately.

2) Discomfort of anything that hints at self-promotion.  I realized I’ve been avoiding taking actions that would force me to step fully into my life and face my abilities. That keeps me from playing the role God put me in this world to play.  Telling God you’re not up for the job doesn’t impress Him; He knows you’re making excuses to avoid seeing your true potential.  So this is a small step toward living larger.

3) Technophobia– my husband can’t understand how I can know as much as I do about technology and still be so technology wary.  I set up a Facebook page for my blog so that you can follow me there – they’ve made the process pretty intuitive – but I was still worried I’d make some big mistake that would result in me posting something unwanted on someone’s feed.  I won’t describe how anxious I was because that would be really embarrassing.  Then I realized no one really cares that much.  🙂

4) Avoidance of popularity contests – When I recently switched my blog to this site address, I lost fifty percent of my traffic.  I usually don’t pay that much attention to numbers as that’s not the main thing, and I’m trying not to put too much weight on this.  But online social media has a heavy numbers focus – how many ‘friends’, subscribers, likes? The winners have bigger stats, the losers have small numbers.  Ugh.  Can you say ‘rat race thinking’?  It’s easy to get caught up in thinking this is a reflection of you and your perceived value.  It’s really not.

So I’m overcoming all of these perceptions of my limitations and desire to stay in my comfort zone, and have bravely put a Facebook like box on my sidebar- please click on it!

Avivah

Conflicting feelings about change

Self-Growth

change_ahead_signThis has been a period of so much change for members of our family!

Dd17 has now moved out of the elderly woman’s home where she’s been living and working since the beginning of the school year.  She’s SO much happier.  Dd19 called this week to discuss moving from NY back to Baltimore for the coming semester.  Ds20 called me a few days ago to talk about moving to a different yeshiva.  So we’ve been having lots of discussions about how to identify when change is a good thing and how to balance conflicting emotions about making a change.

Here’s a comment from a reader on my recent post about when to stay with something and when to move on.

>>My challenge is: wanting both. I want to live right here where I am…where I have been all these years. And yet..I have serious unmet needs here and feel that a fresh environment could as you say make life good, like it should be. I AM trying to build the missing pieces here. And I cannot make a change for another year or two…Yet sometimes I fear that making improvements here is just making moving get harder and harder to pull off…I have tried to ask Hashem. Is it possible that sometimes Hashem also “wants it all…?”

Also what if the choice you feel…you like and the choice you feel…goes the most deep into growing yourself…are different. Also what if the choice you like is not the one that…feels like the stillness that all of us over-wandered Jews crave.<<

I can really identify with what you’re saying.  You want the comfort of staying in a life space that is familiar, and you want the advantages of being in an environment that will allow you to grow in a different way.    A choice is a choice only because we have these conflicting feelings to work out – otherwise there’s nothing to think about!

What’s comfortable and what’s going to help you grow as a person are usually going to be at odds.  There’s nothing wrong with comfort but it’s doing the difficult that leads us to find new strengths in ourselves.   Change is scary.  it’s scary because you have to consider the possibility of having more and trusting that you deserve it.  It’s scary because you don’t want to fail but remember – anyone who has succeeded has said that failure was part of their journey.  Failing won’t make you a failure.  

Making a Change

It’s a leap of faith to leave the familiar to move toward something you believe will be better.  You can ask God for clarity but you have to be willing to hear the answer He sends you.  This may take the form of gut feelings or instincts that are very strong and don’t go away with time, people you’ll meet or things you’ll hear that ‘coincidentally are seem to be answering ‘ meetings with people who tell you something that fits so perfectly with what you need to hear – here’s a useful list to help identify some ways that God may be sending you answers.

Sometimes our fears keep us from identifying those messages.  I had a big decision I was grappling with a couple of months ago and my mind and my gut were sending me very strong opposing responses.  I was totally overthinking the issue and couldn’t get clarity on what voice was what.  I lay in bed unable to sleep, my mind racing.  After a couple of hours I suddenly sat up, turned on the light and started writing out my conflicting feelings.  I wrote without stopping for four full pages.  As soon as I paused, I knew the answer without looking at anything I had written.  Writing had allowed me to clarify the price of each of those choices.  I was able to see that what I had to lose by not making a change would extract a much higher price from me long term than being uncomfortable for a while in a new situation.  Journaling may or may not be helpful for you but it can be very powerful even if it’s not something you’ve used in the past – just let your flow of thoughts come out without thinking about them.

Another idea that can help is to picture your life both ways, having made the change and having stayed the same.  How does it feel?  It would be nice if making the right choice meant that you felt totally light and wonderful but sometimes even the right choice comes with the pain of not being able to have something valuable to you. Moving towards something means moving away from something else, and it’s not always moving away from something negative.

When the time is right for you to make a change, you’ll be sent what you need to make it happen.  In the meantime, enjoy where you are fully – don’t be afraid to become attached to where you are just because you may leave it one day.  A good goal for us all is to live fully wherever we are in life, for however long we’re there.

Avivah 

The value of a good friend – more precious than gold

aliyah, miscellaneous, Self-Growth

2a42b895622dc0dc7206b17f3a39e5f9[1]Last week I traveled to Jerusalem to spend time with one of my very closest friends who was here for a short visit.  And I was struck once again at the power of friendship.

When I was in the US, I didn’t value my friendships enough – as the saying goes, you don’t know the value of something until you don’t have it.  I took for granted the easy access and frequent chats and support of my friends.  But then I moved overseas and all of that disappeared.  And what I had instead was a big blank space.

I think this is something really hard about making aliyah.  No one knows you when you move to a new country.  Hopefully you move to a place where people start to see who you are and appreciate you sooner or later but it’s also possible you’re living in a place that isn’t a good fit for you and what you bring to the table isn’t recognized.  I’ve been fortunate to have been seen as someone with a lot to offer in the other communities I’ve lived in, and living in Karmiel has been a different experience for me.  But until I spoke with her I didn’t realize how subtly but steadily not being valued communally has worn away at me and affected my vision of myself.

I’m so grateful for a friendship that is nurturing and affirming, for a friend who doesn’t let me forget who I am or what I bring to this world.  It’s amazing to have someone who knows every part of you – the good, the bad and the ugly – and can with total belief and sincerity encourage you to step into life with the fullest expression of yourself.   I didn’t realize how much I wasn’t doing that until we spoke, and I’m making a commitment to myself to more consciously move towards that.  And since I know lots of you reading are also living too small for yourselves, I’ll be sharing my baby steps with you.

Avivah

My scary walk through Damascus Gate

aliyah, Self-Growth

20121120_Damascus_Gate_jeruslem_LARGE[1]Almost three years ago, I visited Israel and together with my two older daughters went on a tour of the four quarters of Jerusalem’s Old City. When the tour was over, the guide left us near the outside entrance of the Arab market.  From there I knew how to get to the Jewish quarter, but decided to go through the Arab market instead.  Why?  Because I was so afraid and I felt I had to face my fear instead of give in to it.  I had just been through there with the tour group so if there was any time I was going to feel more comfortable, that was it.

My girls pleaded with me not to do it but I ignored them and strode through.  Once I did it, I felt I had overcome a fear that needed to be put into perspective.  By walking through I had proved something to myself and now had no need to ever do it again.  (By the way, last week I apologized to dd19 and last night to dd17 for making my need to overcome my fear more important than what they were feeling.  Neither of them have a strong memory of it and they readily forgave me.)

Yesterday I went to Jerusalem to spend the day with a very close friend who’s here leading a group.  She’s based in the Old City, so when figuring out my plans to get there, I was deciding if I should take the train or a bus.  Dd17 said it’s very easy to get there by train and I told her it makes me uncomfortable nervous because I don’t want to be anywhere near the Arab quarter.  She said it’s a bit of a walk from the train through until Jaffa Gate and everyone does it and it’s fine.

This was the first time I ever took the train, so when I got to the stop I confirmed that it was going in the direction of the Old City.  The woman said yes, but it’s a bit of a walk from the station.   No problem, I was expecting that.  We got on the train together and later motioned to me that my stop was the one coming up.  When the train announced the next stop was Damascus Gate, I thought there must be a mistake, but I looked at the woman and she nodded again to confirm it was the stop for the Western Wall.  At that instant the thought flashed through my mind: I’m going to stay on this train until the end of the line, get back on the other side to go back to the central bus station and take a bus from there to the Western Wall where I know where to get off.  It looked to me like an Arab neighborhood and I just couldn’t get off there.

But then I told myself to be reasonable and stop letting my fears overcome me.  I had a very limited amount of hours with my friend, and I was going to spend up to two more hours traveling when I could be there within fifteen minutes?  If dd17 could do this, so could I.  This is how everyone goes to the Western Wall and there are always a lot of Arabs in this neighborhood so I told myself to stop seeing danger where it didn’t exist.

I felt more comfortable when I saw a religious Jewish man get off at that stop, and asked him for directions.  He gave me some quick directions, telling me it was really simple.  I started walking but then told him I would rather follow him. This ended up being a very good thing, since dd17 later told me I had gotten off a stop too soon and this is where people are warned not to get off.

I don’t know my way around there at all so it was no surprise that nothing looked familiar to me.  I expected as we walked towards Damascus gate to turn aside in the direction of Jaffa Gate.  No.  We went right in.  I chose to continue to follow him since he knew where he was and felt confident, and the option was to go back on my own to the train where I had no idea where to go or what to do was even scarier.   As we walked through wherever we were in the Arab quarter, there wasn’t another Jew or tourist anywhere in sight (until we got to the very end of the Arab market close to the entrance to the Jewish quarter).   As I walked through crowds of schoolgirls in their headdresses, women in long black chadors and groups of teenage young men that I felt frightened to even look at, I was so uptight I couldn’t even take a deep breath to try to relax.  There was a young Nigerian woman who had asked him for directions right after me and so we followed single file after him, walking fast to keep him in sight as we wove through the crowds.  At one point I noticed an inscription on the wall commemorating a young Jewish man who was stabbed to death in that spot.

As we were in the beginning of our walk, I was thinking, ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’.  As we got further in, I started to feel really anxious and started repeating in my mind, “On my right side is the angel Michael, on my left is Gabriel, in front of me is Uriel and behind me is Refael”, a spiritual statement to form a protective barrier around you on all sides.  This was a hard walk for me, and I can’t tell you how long it took – to me it felt very, very long though it can’t have been more than fifteen minutes.  It took at least ten minutes after reaching the Jewish quarter that I was able to begin to breathe normally and start to relax the muscles of my neck and shoulders.  Just thinking of that walk even now in the safety of my  own home makes me tighten up all over my body.

So I met my friend and we chatted and went to lunch and went somewhere else for dessert and then she said, “So how about we go to the Arab shuk and see if we can find some jewelry?”  I was like, you’ve got to be joking.  I accidentally ended up walking all through that area this morning and I certainly don’t want to repeat that for fun!  So she said that I must have been deep in the Arab quarter but she’s not thinking of going there, just to the beginning section where there are lots of tourists and Jewish locals.  She thought it would be fun to look for jewelry together but didn’t want to go if it wouldn’t be enjoyable for me.  So I took a deep breath and in the bright light of the Jerusalem sunshine – which makes it easier to be brave – said, “Feel the fear and do it anyway!” and off we went.

Can I honestly say this was relaxing for me?  No.  But I did enjoy being with her and some of her relaxed attitude slightly rubbed off on me and I breathed normally most of the time.  It was much less frightening than my morning walk but not somewhere I would let down my guard.  Aside from security issues, I don’t recommend anyone shop there – I buy my own jewelry wholesale so I know their prices are grossly inflated – but we did find a pair of earrings for each of us, though we both agree that the pair she got for me is more awesome than the pair she got for herself.  🙂  

I was glad to be out of there, though.  And there’s no way I’ll make that mistake at the train station again, no matter how many people tell me it’s the right stop.

Avivah

‘Brave’ – song with a powerful message

Self-Growth, Uncategorized

 

A couple of months ago, dd19 mentioned a song that she really liked the message of.  I asked her to send me a link so I could listen to it.

 

It turns out I had heard it before but since I didn’t pay attention to the lyrics, I didn’t think much of it.  This time I looked up the lyrics and listened carefully and wow! – it was very powerful.  It was a message that I really needed to hear right then, a few days after having been hit by a car and feeling powerless and victimized.

So here’s the song – Brave, a remake by the Maccabeats of the original by Sara Bareilles.  (Dd wanted to make sure I realized this isn’t a Jewish song, though it’s sung by an Orthodox mens’ acapella group and I’m passing this info along to you.)

And here are the lyrics:

“Brave” – by Sara Bareilles

 

“You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if youSay what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be braveWith what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be braveI just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be braveI just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I just wanna see you
I wanna see you be braveEverybody’s been there,
Everybody’s been stared down by the enemy
Fallen for the fear
And done some disappearing,
Bow down to the mighty
Don’t run, just stop holding your tongue
Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live
Maybe one of these days you can let the light in
Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

And since your history of silence
Won’t do you any good,
Did you think it would?
Let your words be anything but empty
Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave.”

 

I have a couple of favorite phrases in this song but the entire message to me is something lots of us need to hear – have the courage to say how you really feel.  Don’t keep everything in because you’re afraid of what people will think of you, or because you’re afraid they won’t hear you.   It takes courage to find our inner strength when we’re not feeling strong.  It takes courage to to take off the mask that we put on because we think that’s what others want to see, be vulnerable and to say how you’re really feeling.

Avivah  

Inner contentment from the alignment of values and actions

Homeschooling, Parenting, Self-Growth

Most of us start off homeschooling with a lot of trepidation, excitement and a vision of something beautiful, something we think we might be able to have if we make this choice that we wouldn’t otherwise have.  And at first it’s exciting because we can remember how life was before and the contrast makes us grateful.  But then sometimes we get stuck in the day to day and lose sight of our long term vision along with how things used to be.  You begin to take for granted what you have – you doubt what you’re doing, the house isn’t clean enough, the kids aren’t learning enough, you don’t have enough time for yourself and you wonder why you thought this was a good idea!  (Yes, I sometimes have those feelings, too!)  We just lose perspective.

When I recently received a lovely email from a homeschooling mom, I asked her permission to share it with you.  It’s been over five years since I shared a letter like this, so I figured it’s time for another one!  The last one was from a mom in the US, this one is from a mom in Israel.

>>As for homeschooling, in case I needed the validation, my sister told me yesterday that her daughter, who lives here, told her that homeschooling was the best thing we did for our family and ourselves. She said she sees our contentment and inner peace — ours and the kids’ — even though she knows it’s not a perfect utopia all the time. And she’s right; I would describe us the same way.

There are so many things I love about homeschooling, it would be impossible to list them all but at the top of my list would be learning along with my children. Not just learning information but learning about each other, about life, about how to do homeschooling. I love learning with them that the process is at least as important as the product, and this applies to every area of our lives. There is so much more, but if I continued I just wouldn’t stop 🙂

I want to thank you again for your guidance and inspiration. You’ve helped us look at things in a whole new way and opened up a whole world of opportunity to our family.<<

Contentment and inner peace – those are the same feelings I have about homeschooling when I take the time to step back from the day to day busyness and reflect.  It’s not specifically homeschooling that causes this feeling; rather it’s a result of when a person aligns their values and their actions.  Every day we’re faced with choices in different areas of our lives, and when we can align them with our higher values, it’s incredibly empowering and inner contentment is a natural result.

Avivah

When to stay with something and when to move on

Homemaking, Homeschooling, Marriage, miscellaneous, Self-Growth

It’s interesting how comments and questions on certain issues seem to often come as groups.  This has happened recently with the topic of making a change – I was asked the same question by three different people in close succession: when is moving toward change positive and when is it running away from a problem.  Interestingly, all three were in situations in which a change would be beneficial, which made me wonder if it’s the people who have a tendency to stay in difficult situations who phrase the question in this way.

The most recent person to ask me about this was my dd17 when she was home for Chanukah vacation.  She’s living with an elderly woman which provides her with a place to live and a salary and she’s studying in an Israeli seminary – where she lives and where she studies are both difficult situations.  She’s not happy but told me she’s not sure if she needs to stick this out.  I told her, “If you’re a member of this family, your issue isn’t going to be running away from problems but staying in a non-suitable situation too long and trying to see the positives.”

Being positive and looking for the good in life is important, but you can’t let that keep you from acknowledging when a situation needs to be changed.   I suggested that first step is for her to be honest about how she’s feeling, not to rationalize or justify staying where she is because she doesn’t know how it can work out financially to do something different – just to acknowledge to herself how she’s really feeling and be willing to say, ‘I’m not happy’.  Then after getting in touch with that feeling – which doesn’t take too long once you clear away the mental clutter – to ask herself: “Is this situation supporting me and the life I want to have?  If not, why not?  What would be more supportive of my needs?”

So she did that and we talked quite a bit about what this means for her.  This week she gave notice to the family of the woman she works for that she’ll be leaving in a month, is interviewing with another family as a possible place to stay, and contacted the principal of an American seminary here in Israel to see if a mid-year transfer is possible.  I asked her how she felt and she said it all feels good.

It seems to me that most people get stuck on one side or another of this question when they have to ask themselves the question about if their current life situation serves them or not.  Many people stay with situations that aren’t supportive for too long, not believing that anything better is out there, thinking that they don’t deserve for things to be good or blaming themselves for the way the situation is.

Others go to the other extreme, moving from place to place, job to job, relationship to relationship, always blaming others for their situations and searching for that elusive happiness in the next place.  When a person is having a hard time in life because of who they are, they carry that with them wherever they go.  Someone who hosts a lot of people checking out her community told me she can tell right away who is a good candidate and who isn’t by asking why they want to move.  She said when people start complaining about everything that is wrong with where they’re currently living, she knows they’re going to miserable in her community, too.

So how can you tell when you objectively would be better off in a different life situation?  When are you running away from something instead of putting in the effort and time to make things work, and when are you moving forward towards a better and more fulfilling life?

This is a really individual situation and sometimes for the same person, it can look very different in different situations.  If you’re in an abusive situation, generally the faster you get out, the better.  Aside from that, we have to remember that all beginnings are difficult and time takes time.  Don’t give up on your current situation too soon – think about what specifically is missing for you, and what you can do to make it work for you.  If you’ve put in time and effort and after a reasonable amount of time things aren’t improving, you probably are seeing the reality of the situation and it’s time to think about making a change.  Don’t blame yourself for being where you are right now; it is what it is, you learned something from where you were and now you can move on.

Since we can’t be objective about ourselves, it’s very valuable to get feedback from someone outside of the situation who is willing to listen to you without projecting themselves onto the scenario.  At times when I’ve grappled with choices of this sort and spoken to friends, it’s been interesting how obvious the answer to my question was to them!  People outside the situation can often see things more clearly since they aren’t fixated on all the tiny details that our minds can get tangled up with.

If you’ve determined that change would be beneficial for you, have courage.  Trust that life is meant to be good, that you are worthy of good and that you will overcome the initial challenges the new situation is going to present you with.  Making a change like this is an act of self-value and self-love; we can’t have better things in our lives until we recognize that we deserve better in our lives.

If you’ve grappled with decisions of this sort, please share how you recognized when it was time to make a change or stick things out!

Avivah