I’ve had a long and busy day, and am feeling physically and emotionally wiped out tonight.  I started the day by attending the end of the year activity sponsored by my umbrella homeschool organization, and went directly from there to our local monthly homeschool gathering.  There’s no way I’m going to even think about touching the dishes in the sink until the morning!

Today I had an extremely awkward situation arise, and though I handled it in the best way that could be expected and was satisfied with my response, I’m very unhappy about the entire situation – this is why I’m so emotionally worn out.  I acted according to guidelines recommended to me by the rabbis of the community, and even though I should feel reassured that I did what I was told to do, I don’t feel at peace at all.  I’ve written here about listening to your inner voice and being true to yourself, and in this case I feel like I’ve violated my own sense of right and wrong.

It’s a complicated situation and there are many people involved in different aspects, and when the rabbi of the other party called afterward to discuss the situation with me for a half hour, I was very direct about my concerns with him, but I also was open to his perspective and told him I shared some of his feelings.  I’ve left a message for my rabbi that it’s important that we discuss this issue at more length and hope that with some intense discussion and clarification, that this situation can be handled in a way that is more congruent with my values in the future.

Meanwhile, it had gotten very late and my kids were still awake and hadn’t eaten dinner.  I was so tired of everything right at that moment – the kids, the noise, the meal that hadn’t been prepared since we didn’t get home until 7:30 and then I was dealing with all of this, the house waiting to be cleaned up, and all I wanted to do was fall into bed.  I was so emotionally overloaded that I didn’t want to be around the kids for even two more minutes.  And then the phone rang.

Someone identified himself by name, then asked me if I have a child who learns at x location in the morning.  ‘Yes’, I say.  ‘Does he learn in this particular part of the building?’  Yes.  ‘And sometimes he learns with a younger boy, sometimes by himself?’  Right.  ‘Is that also your son?’  (I was really starting to wonder where we were going with this line of questioning.)  “Mmm, yes.  Is there something you want to tell me that I don’t want to hear?”

“Well,” he says, “every day I see this young man, and notice that he’s always either learning by himself and taking notes or learning with a younger boy.  I could tell they got along very well together but I couldn’t tell if they were brothers – at first I thought the older one was tutoring the younger one.   I was impressed with both of them.  I work at the local school but I didn’t recognize them, and I wondered what they were doing there.  One morning I noticed the last name embroidered on the tefillin bag, and today I was reading your article in the (local magazine) when at the end I saw your name and that you homeschool your children and have two older children who are graduating.  So I suddenly realized, this must be the mother of these boys.  And I had to call and tell you what special children you have, that you’re obviously doing something right not just with your homeschooling, but as a parent.”

After thanking him a couple of times for taking the time to call a stranger just to tell them something nice about their children (isn’t that amazing??), I thought about how grateful I was that this call came at just the right moment, to help me recenter myself before I had a chance to act like the overtired witch I was feeling like.  Even though I was still exhausted, it changed my state of mind, and I was able to shift away from those negative feelings inside and be pleasant with the kids.   Isn’t it remarkable, the ways of H-shem and people, to send something so nice my way at just the right moment?

Avivah