Category Archives: parenting

Helping kids regulate emotions -look at them with positive eyes

parenting, personal development

When the twins came eleven months ago, they had absolutely no ability to moderate themselves in any way.

Emotionally, if something upset them there was an immediate outburst. Dd6 went from beaming with happiness to throwing herself on the floor and screaming in an instant; there was no buildup or warning. Ds5 would rage and throw things or hit/kick someone or something. They lashed out or had an emotional outburst about anything that bothered them, which was most of the time. They verbally picked at one another and fought constantly.

The lack of regulation wasn’t only seen when they were upset. When they weren’t supervised, even for a moment or two, their expressions of impulsivity left me wondering, “What in the world were they thinking?”

There were endless instances – literally all day long, and I could never predict what they would do because there was nothing in their brains that told them to pause and consider the consequences. Their behavior was like a very young toddler but they had the physical capacity to get into things that a young child doesn’t have. I’ll give examples but these aren’t necessarily the worst or most difficult, just what comes to mind.

In the beginning I took them on an outing twice a day and would start each day by going somewhere with them. One morning I told them we were going to the park and they jumped with joy. Everyone was dressed, except ds6 didn’t yet have shoes on. Every night I put his shoes in the same place, and knowing he could easily find them, I told him to go put his shoes on. He went into his room, and emerged a few minutes later – without shoes and without a stitch of clothing on his body.

He pooped in the yard daily, no matter how many times I told him to use the bathroom. He even pooped in the pool – we emptied out all the water and I explained we were doing that because when he pooped in it, it made it dirty and we want the pool to be clean for them to swim in. I explained that a number of times that morning (he used to ask the same questions again and again and again). While we were refilling the pool, my husband agreed that they could stand in the pool. As I was sitting there watching them, ds pulled down his pants and began to poop in the pool!

Coloring/smearing poop on walls, making holes in walls/pool/trampoline net, cutting down fruit trees, breaking toys, ripping books, emptying full bottles of shampoo down the drain when they went to the bathroom – we had thousands of shekels of damage. It happened very quickly and within just a minute or two of not watching them. They took out anything from anywhere, no matter how high a shelf it was stored on. I could never guess what would happen next because there was no rhyme or reason that I could see. Whatever impulse came to mind is what they did. It wasn’t purposeful malice – there was simply no ‘stop/pause/consider’ process present in their brains.

While we’ve seen huge improvements in this area, the twins are both still impulsive. Just yesterday I went into their bathroom and saw a bath towel stuffed in the toilet. When I took it out, there was a cereal bowl and a crushed mini aluminum pan underneath. Why? Because someone in that moment felt like doing that.

The evening before, I called them in from play for dinner – “Everyone come inside and sit down at the table!” They came running in, bypassing the living room to go directly to dd’s room, climbed up the bunkbed where I had a short time before put a pile of clean laundry, and approximately ninety seconds after I told them to come in to eat, I went into their room and found them gleefully flinging the clean clothes all over the floor.

I can’t put into words the intensity of living with highly dysregulated children. It was physically and emotionally exhausting, and daily I felt challenged in a way that I hadn’t been stretched before. That’s one part of the unseen backdrop to the last eleven months.

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I’m rereading a great book called Dirt to Soil, by Gabe Brown; it’s a fascinating read about a man who completely shifted his way of thinking about farming from the conventional poison-the-dirt approach to a regenerative approach of healing the planet. He quotes a speaker at a conference who said something like, “If you want small changes, change what you do. If you want big changes, change the way you think.”

This statement deeply resonated with me because this is true of so many things, certainly parenting. When you shift the way you think about your children, you see significant qualitative changes. The way you think about what you see and interpret it is critical. If your bottom line belief is that your child is always doing the best he can and you view their misdeeds with compassion and even curiosity, you’re going to respond very differently than if you view them in a negative way.

I’ve talked before about the importance of moderating your own emotions, but I have to state it again because this is the most important thing you can do as a parent before any other response.

There are many times a child has done something annoying (see above and then imagine that every single day, throughout the day) and my first thought is to correct them. And often I do and that’s appropriate. But sometimes I pause and ask them – not demandingly, but with genuine interest – why did they do that? Sometimes there’s impulsiveness as described above, but sometimes it becomes clear the child has a good intention to do the right thing but the results look like a problem.

For example, I saw a large pile of things on the floor in the hallway – ie a big mess – and there was water all over the floor. I went into dd’s room to see what was happening. She told me she and ds11 were cleaning for Pesach – so they had taken a lot of things out from where they were supposed to be and swept them into a pile outside of her room, and now were washing the floor. If I were to get annoyed, think how badly the child would feel – it’s a terrible feeling to be trying to help and do something good, and then have someone be angry or disappointed with you. I was able to thank them and be appreciative, and then let them know what we do with items like those, and show them how to finish cleaning the floor.

Ds6 exhibits a lot of aggressive behavior when I pick him up from kindergarten; I’ve learned he needs time to decompress before he can interact appropriately with anyone. Sure enough, a short time after arriving home dd6 started screaming because he spoke to her in an unpleasant way. I looked at him and thought with compassion about how hard it is for him to be surrounded all day by kids who struggle with emotional regulation.

He was sitting on the couch looking defiant so I went to sit next to him. He glanced at me warily, knowing he just said something inappropriate. I looked at him kindly, put my arm around him and gave him a big side hug without saying anything else. His hostility instantly melted; he immediately looked at dd and said sincerely, “I’m sorry”. I wasn’t trying to get him to apologize. I wasn’t trying to get any result, other than for him to know he was seen and loved as he was in that moment.

That’s not my response in the majority of situations. Usually I would take his hand and look into his eyes and say, something like, “How do you think it makes dd feel when you speak to her in that way? Is there a different way you could tell her how you feel? What could you do now to make the situation right?” I use the incidents as an opportunity to replay the situation and model how to appropriately communicate.

When I’m feeling irritated and annoyed, nothing positive or helpful is going to come out of my mouth; at the best it will be neutral and that’s what I strive for in moments that I’m feeling out of sorts – and that’s an accomplishment when so many negative things could be said in a moment of frustration. However, I know that when I think about my child kindly, it instantly changes what I see and what I say to a higher level interaction, so I’m constantly striving to increase my compassionate view of our children.

Avivah

Foster care – a really good meeting with dd6’s therapist

parenting

Sometimes I wonder how foster parents can work outside of the home. I have so many meetings that I simply wouldn’t be able to do all that is necessary if I weren’t home full-time. When I exclaimed over last week’s five meetings and this week’s four meetings to my husband, he asked me if it was more than I bargained for when we took the twins.

I thought as a foster parent for over six years when they came that I knew what was involved, but their situation is much more demanding than I anticipated. He asked me if I ever regretted agreeing for them to come to us. I told him that the hard parts are balanced out by the children’s progress being much better and faster than I expected. While I believe in the amazing power of connection in healing, I didn’t dream that we would see the gains we’ve seen in the time frame they’ve been with us. No, I don’t regret having them come even though their situation makes demands of me in ways I didn’t expect.

Two of last week’s meetings were with therapists for each of the twins.

Dd6 has weekly play therapy sessions; two weeks just her with her therapist, the next week I join her, the following week my husband joins her, then we both meet with the therapist the week after.

Her therapist doesn’t usually write reports but is making an exception for us due to the need for documentation that we’re doing what we’re supposed to be doing. Before going over the report, she told us that while she doesn’t in any way condone the skepticism and hostility of the guardian ad litem, she understands the challenge the GAL is having in processing who we are and what we’ve done for the kids.

She said that in over twenty years she’s never met parents like us in her professional or social spheres. She detailed many things she’s seen us do and how we do them, and said she keeps asking herself how we can be real, how is it possible for parents to do all that we do.

Her feedback for my husband was that he does well with dd and while she can give him some tips, it’s not necessary. He’s glad for the opportunity to get some guidance because there are behaviors that are typical for foster children that are hard to navigate that make it unpleasant to be around them. The therapist said he doesn’t need lessons from her, that I understand how to interact with them, but there’s something nice about a neutral person being the presenter of information. (Prior to this meeting, when my husband came home from his first session with dd he commented it was striking to him that the therapist sounds just like me when she speaks to dd. Since this meeting, he’s consciously paying attention to the way I communicate with them.)

I found it fascinating to hear the interpretation of dd’s play as it relates to her inner world. She explained that children don’t talk about their feelings; what they do is transfer their feelings onto the items or toys they interact with and it’s by observing what they say and how they play that their inner feelings are revealed.

For example, for several weeks dd took paintbrushes from one container and transferred some of them to another container, each time explaining that the brushes are moving to a new house and are happy in their new house because it’s good for them there. The therapist explained this is an expression of dd’s feelings of being happy about moving to our home.

She also noted that when dd played with a mother hamster and her baby, she put them each in different containers, stating that it’s good for the parent and children to be in different houses (alluding to her bio parents).

I didn’t have this awareness before of what play can reveal and am now listening with a more attuned ear to the things that the children say when they play.

In her report she stated that overall dd’s emotional health is good. She is impressed with how far dd has come in such a short time (she said she wants to learn from me what I did), and attributes it to her having received therapeutic parenting around the clock from the beginning.

She also commented that dd6 feels very secure and trusting of me, and this is remarkable after such a short time (eleven months feels like a long time to me but the therapist said this is a very short time to see these results).

Something else she talked about is how highly effective an emotional regulator I am for dd. Sometimes I feel self-conscious that to a casual onlooker I might seem controlling or nitpicky with dd (and ds6 as well), when in fact she needs a lot of external help regulating herself. It’s a reassurance to know someone is seeing what I’m doing and recognizing how powerful and important it is, rather than thinking I’m too strict. I’m very consistent and clear with dd about boundaries of all sorts, all the time.

It’s nice to hear expert feedback like this. Someone recently asked me about foster care and I stressed that while your average child can tolerate sloppy parenting, foster children can’t. They need skilled and specific parenting that takes into account their trauma background. It’s not enough to be a nice and well-intended person. That person kind of dismissed my comments and I realize that what I do to untrained eyes doesn’t look much different than being a nice parent. This therapist was able to recognize many purposeful things that I do with dd that are helping to facilitate her emotional healing, and it was validating to have that recognized.

I’m hesitant to write the above since it might seem that I’m tooting my own horn, and for that reason didn’t share the full report as it regards to me. I’m extremely grateful and gratified that dd is doing so well and it’s wonderful to be able to to be part of the process. But what I’m doing isn’t magic that only the lucky few have access to. There are ways of effectively interacting with children that can be learned.

Avivah

Confronting my son’s bullies

parenting

I shared in my last post the steps I took before Shabbos to set up a supportive framework to help address the bullying issue. The final step was his big brothers.

On Friday night, my twenty five year old son went into that shul with ds7 and ds11, and asked a kid if he was X. “No,” the boy exclaimed, and then asked, “Are you his father?
The principal already dealt with him. Are you here to hit him because of what he did? “

My son responded using the same language the boy used, “No, but I’m here to tell him he’s going to get hit if he hits this boy (ds11) again.”

“That boy has older brothers,” the boy told him.

“He (our eleven year old) also has older brothers,” my son said.

“But his older brothers are gangsters!” warned the boy. (Probably true.)

“His older brothers are even bigger gangsters!” my son said. (Definitely very far from it.)

That was Friday night. The next morning, my twenty five year old, eighteen year old, sixteen year old and fourteen year old went into that shul together to find the bullies. As soon as they walked in, all the younger boys in the shul started asking them if they were there to deal with X (last name of two of the boys who attacked my son).

My sons learned that the teenage brother of those kids was there, told him his brothers had attacked their younger brother and his younger brothers needed to apologize to our son.

“They aren’t here. But tell me where you live and they’ll come to your house to apologize,” he answered. Yeah, right.

The younger boys present in shul hastened to show them which boys were the ones they wanted – right in the same room. I was a little surprised when I heard about this afterwards that there’s so little loyalty to their friends.

One of my teens was itching to take these violent kids into the field and beat them for the things they’ve done to younger kids in our shul, not only his sibling. He’s watched things happen for the last four years that are reflective of deep systemic issues and he’s burning at the injustice.

These boys are really problematic kids and a strong physical response probably would have been best, though I warned all of my boys not to lay a hand on any of them, no matter how provocative they were. (That son told me afterward that as angry he was, he realized he wouldn’t be able to hurt a younger child who wasn’t actively at that moment doing something wrong.)

There are some in that community with a criminal history or mental health issues and my sons were aware they have to be careful not to paint a target on the back of our family and trigger older siblings/parents who could retaliate with a level of violence that goes beyond normal disagreements. Whatever they did, it had to be something that no one could find fault with.

They had a verbal exchange with the boys who hurt my son, who vigorously denied any wrongdoing. My son doing the talking persisted and told them they know they’re the ones behind the attacks. The older one protested (with a wounded angelic expression), “No, I never hurt anyone. Tell me the name of even one person that I hurt,” he challenged.

“XX,” my son told him. The boys were clearly taken aback that we knew the names of other kids they had attacked. When they refused to apologize, my boys went over the older sibling again.

They told them his younger brothers were right there (obviously he knew that and was lying previously), and said they needed to apologize right then. They did, though my eleven year old was so frightened to see his attackers speaking to him that he hid behind his older brother’s back when they apologized. They thought that was funny and were smirking until one of my teens asked them in a hostile tone if they thought that was amusing. It wiped the smile off very quickly.

A couple of adults came over to see why my sons were there, since their presence was unusual. One was a neighbor, and when he heard that a group of boys had jumped my son and attacked him, he told us that if anything ever happens again to our son, to tell his son (who is part of this peer group) that he needs to tell us who was involved (rather than stay silent and protect his friends).

Overall we were satisfied with the outcome. It wasn’t dramatic, but we did what we could and hopefully it will be helpful in preventing more children from being hurt.

On Sunday I was driving my (almost) eighteen year old to the bus stop to go back to yeshiva. We stopped to let someone cross at the crosswalk, who nodded his head in a friendly way to my son. My son ignored him. The young man did it again, more deliberately, and my son still didn’t move even a muscle in his face as he looked back at him. I asked why he wasn’t acknowledging him and he told me it was the older brother of the kids who hurt my son.

I told him even if he is convinced the older brother is a two faced liar and he can’t stand to look at him, it might be beneficial to be civil so they see us as people they don’t want to harass, rather than be seen as the enemy. We’re walking a fine line right now between trying to get the wrongs addressed and staying on good terms with the adults in that community.

Does this story end here?

My married daughter on Shabbos morning was walking to my house when she passed a younger boy walking in the opposite direction. She also saw kids who were hiding across the street start to come out towards him (presumably to attack him). She turned around to watch him so the bullies would know he wasn’t alone; simultaneously, four men came out of their shul towards the boys. She couldn’t tell if it was a coincidence of not, but I would like to think they all came out because members of their community are now (after the behind the scenes conversations and police involvement) cognizant of the need to keep an eye on what these kids are doing.

Is this something that will be sustainable long term? No. They need security cameras and a police presence for an extended period so that it’s clear to all that the protection of the children is a priority and is being taken seriously.

If at the very least these bullies understand they shouldn’t touch my son, there’s been some gain but I can’t know that yet. That would be a significant gain. At the same time, I want all the kids in the community to be safe, not just my own child.

Avivah

Steps I’m taking to protect my son from bullies

parenting

On Shabbos morning, my eleven year old son with Down syndrome was walking to shul when a group of boys on the other side of the street ran over, pushed him to the ground into the bushes and kicked him.

I was on my way to shul with the younger kids when I saw him coming towards home. Since he had left to go to shul a bit earlier, I was surprised to see him and asked him what was going on. He told me he came to tell me what happened to him, that some boys hurt him.

When I get very angry, I get very quiet and don’t say a lot. I comforted him and he walked back to shul with us. As we were coming towards where the attack happened, I saw two kids glance in our direction and run away. I asked him if he saw the kids who did it and he said it was them, but of course I only saw their backs.

I wanted to find the culprits immediately, but I was with all four of the younger kids and our dog (he has anxiety about being left at home alone). I didn’t want the incident to pass without any reaction from us. I waited outside the shul for a couple of minutes until I saw other kids come out and called out to them, “Are you the ones who hurt my son?”

They asked who my son was (he had run ahead of me at that point) and when I indicated him, one of them told me it wasn’t him, that he had even given him a bag of chips. So who was it, I insisted. They gave me a name, and told me the boy’s father had come out and taken care of the issue. I doubted the way it was addressed would be adequate but thanked the boy for what he shared with me.

Before I got into shul, two girls about nine or ten were waiting for me to tell me my son had been attacked. One of them was a neighbor and she witnessed what happened. I asked them for details of what she saw. After shul her mother spoke to me. She had preceded me to shul and seen my son looking very sad on his way home. She asked him why he looked so sad, he told her and she had gone to that shul to find out who was involved. She got the same name that I had and one other. Since I heard that one boy involved was a visitor and one attends another shul, I thought they were might be giving me the names of those two boys to throw people off from the main instigators.

After the Purim morning megilla reading (Sunday), two women were waiting to speak to me. They heard about what happened to my son and wanted to offer their help. They were brainstorming what to do about this situation, since for weeks this group of boys have been sitting outside of the shul, waiting for younger and more vulnerable kids from our shul to pass when there are no adults in side. Then they run over and hurt them. They offered to buy special candies for my son so he could give them to the boys if they came to hurt him.

Generally I’m very patient even with things I disagree with but I had no tolerance for this idea, and I forcefully told them absolutely not. You don’t reward bullies for hurting you, and become a cringing pathetic creature trying to curry favor.

A couple of days passed with Purim and then Shushan Purim, and the next morning (Tuesday) I got busy. I did some research and learned where these boys went to school. After a two hour meeting at dd6’s kindergarten, I went to the boys’ school to speak with the principal. He had just left, so while I waited for him to return I called the representative at the local council who is responsible for addressing communal violence.

She told me she has already heard about the ongoing attacks and is working on finding a solution that addresses the roots, not just a superficial response, and that will take time. Great, I told her, I agree that’s a good thing. And while you’re working on that deeper response, there needs to be police supervision of this area. She said she would speak to the local police officer about it.

I thanked her, got off the phone and then called back to get the officer’s number to speak to him myself.

Then I went back to the school and found out the principal had returned. Since they don’t allow women on the premises, I waited outside the front gate while they called him and told him I was there to speak to him. Almost immediately, an obnoxious boy ran over and demanded to know who I was and what I was doing there. What is it with the kids in this community that so many of them are so obnoxious?, I wondered to myself. Then another boy ran over and asked if I was ds’s mother, and if I was there because boys hurt him. Yes, I nodded. The second boy said to the first, your brother was one of the ones that hurt him. Very interesting, I thought, just as the principal arrived.

There’s no question that within a short time all of the kids at the boys’ school knew I was there because of what happened to my son; I could almost feel the news spreading.

I told the principal what happened and that I needed his help to address what had happened with his students. He tsked tsked in sympathy, and said the shul isn’t his jurisdiction. I told him I understand that but that there needs to be a response so these boys know what they’re doing isn’t acceptable and it’s not being ignored. He told me he’s willing to do whatever he can to help me, and asked if I know who’s involved. I told him the two boys at the gate knew what happened, and gave him the name of another boy who was present and can tell him who everyone was. Since these boys are from a different shul, none of the kids attacked knew who they were, and until now I don’t think anyone has had names to work with. I didn’t give the two names I was given because I didn’t want to throw everything off by mentioning them and being told they weren’t his students, since I knew the majority of the kids involved are from that school.

He right away began investigating, while the security guard sitting there mentioned he knows my son. He told me his son is the driver of my son’s school van and likes my son a lot, and mentioned how nice it was that I gave him mishloach manos. It was a nice and unexpected connection, and we chatted for a few minutes about other things. Then he told me it was a shame I don’t have names because it would help if they know who is involved. I told him I have a couple of names, and told him the last name of one boy.

He repeated the name and exclaimed, that’s the boy who started talking to you when you got here! He asked for the other name, and when I said it, he made a face like it made sense, then told me these are both very problematic kids. He called over the principal so I could give him the names.

I was glad to know I had the names of the actual ringleaders. From there, I went home and found my husband talking to a visitor who was using our printer. I mentioned where I had come back from, and the visitor told me his son was attacked on Purim morning by this same group, and then later in the day the kids hid close to his home and three brothers attacked his son when he went out by himself. He knew the first names of two brothers involved, so now I had some more detail.

Since I had another school meeting, this one for ds6, my husband went out to meet my son’s school van when it arrived. He spoke to the driver and the man who accompanies the kids, who both go to that shul. He told them what happened to our son and what boys were involved, and asked what could be done. They said these children are from the negative part of their community and it was clear from the response that they create a lot of havoc.

Meanwhile, from my meeting I went to pick up dd6 from kindergarten, which is located on a larger campus where the daughter of that shul’s rave runs the afternoon program. She’s the mother of a large family and I’ve met her casually a couple of times. As with the principal, I wanted to speak to her in person because a personal connection is better created in person, rather than making phone calls or sending emails. I waited for her to be available, then told her about what happened. More tsk tsking in sympathy.

I appreciate the sympathy, but what I want action is taken to prevent any other children from being hurt, and I told her so. I told her this isn’t about my specific child, but about all the children from our shul. She told me that her father has taken care of every incident he’s heard about. While I appreciate that, I suggested that more needs to be done if he’s addressed it and it continues to happen. She said these children come to shul without their parents and don’t have anyone supervising them. I proposed that the adults in their shul set up some kind of supervision so that this doesn’t happen again. She didn’t think that was a good idea, but said she would call her father right away to talk to him about this.

That night I told my fourteen and sixteen year olds that I had been working on addressing what happened to my eleven year old on Shabbos. They asked me what I was talking about. I was taken aback that seemingly everyone in the community knows my son was attacked – everyone except my boys. I didn’t talk about it on Shabbos, because as I said, my focus was on thinking about what to do, not talking. They were furious.

The next morning I spoke with my twenty five year old son who will be coming for Shabbos. My seventeen year old will also be coming home for Shabbos (he comes on alternate weeks). I told him I’m not relying on the city council, the principal or the shul rav to keep our son safe.

I put forward the idea that they go to that shul together with my fourteen and sixteen year olds. Maybe my husband will go, maybe my eleven year old will go but definitely the four of them. We have to work out the specifics. My boys aren’t massive but they’re not small; two are over six feet and while the others aren’t as tall, only 5’9 and 5’10, they all have a good presence. I’ve raised them all not to use physical force to solve problems even though every one of them is very capable of physically defending himself. I want the message to get out that my eleven year old has big brothers looking out for him and if they mess with him again, his brothers are going to respond. My older son agreed that’s a good approach. If I’m right in my assessment of these kids, they don’t respect nice words – they respect might.

I received a text message from the city council representative saying the police officer was in touch with one of their community leader and warned them that they needed to address the issue so it doesn’t happen again, or they would have to take steps to stop it. I was dissatisfied with that response, since after all my conversations, I felt fairly certain that the community members don’t know how to deal with these kids and that the parents aren’t in the picture as a positive force. I hope that I’m wrong about that and am being too pessimistic.

The next day, the representative called me and we spoke for another twenty minutes. I was very forceful in my insistence that this needs to be addressed and we have to be realistic that a verbal warning is unlikely to be sufficient. I gave her the names of the ringleaders and told her it’s important to stop what’s going on because if we don’t, it’s going to escalate. I explained that these kids will unquestionably become juvenile delinquents and the kids themselves and both communities involved will benefit from them a strong response right now.

She asked for details of the ages of kids attacked and the times it’s happening. I told her, and also said there needs to be a police presence for those two hours of the morning. She said they don’t have the manpower. I warned her that while everyone is our community is doing their best to maintain peace, there’s a lot of anger from other parents who feel that their children aren’t being protected and the city council is turning a blind eye. While I’m the one making the calls, this isn’t about just me and my son. Again, when I speak with people I want to create allies and that doesn’t happen by attacking people, but I spoke to her as strongly as possible and detailed things that have happened in the past, the challenges involved in this specific situation, and how critical it was that they take this very seriously.

I also made some very specific suggestions as to how the police officer deal with the children involved and their parents. I don’t know if this will be conveyed. I would like to speak to him in person as well, but if I have any sort of conversation with him, that won’t happen until next week.

Before this call, I was planning to speak to the mayor in person that day to request the police presence begin immediately this Shabbos. But my seven year old was home with me, I had been up since 4 in the morning, and I was tired by the time the representative and I finished speaking at around noon. I didn’t know what the mayor’s hours were and didn’t have the energy to go running around with my son in tow to try to catch him. I decided to wait a little longer and give everyone involved the time to work on this situation.

While I’m taking the action that I can, I know that it’s not my efforts that will create change and we need heavenly assistance to succeed. I’m appreciative of all prayers on our behalf that this violence against children is resolved quickly.

Avivah

Post Purim recap

marriage, parenting, personal development

What a beautiful Purim we had!

It was of course a very full and busy day. I did the deliveries with all of the kids for the mishloach manot, which I usually ask my husband to do while I prepare for the Purim seuda. But this year he wasn’t feeling 100% and I wanted him to be able to rest before the seuda. I actually really enjoy doing the deliveries and it was nice to get out with them.

In the process of assembling mishloach manot

We made a lot of stops with all of the kids getting out almost every time, so when we came home we were all pretty tired. My husband and teen boys announced they needed to go to shul right after we got back, and being so tired with still so much work do, I was aware of feeling much closer to the edge of irritation than I usually feel. Even though my seventeen year old organizes the learning after mincha, I told them I was too tired to get ready and take care of the kids for the next two hours on my own, and requested they come home without staying for the learning so they could help get ready for the seuda.

Women: if you don’t ask for what you need, the chances are high you won’t get it and then you’ll be resentful that someone didn’t read your mind – which isn’t really fair. Men are generally pretty accommodating if you directly (without hostility) let them know what you need.

They came home and encouraged me to take a nap while they got ready, which I agreed to, even though part of me was concerned everything wouldn’t be done the way I wanted it. I woke up right after our guests arrived, and everything was ready without me being there to supervise. It wasn’t perfect but overall everything looked great.

In the middle of the meal, my married daughter and family came to visit, and soon after we were joined by another family. It was a festive and upbeat atmosphere that we all enjoyed and during the post-Purim recap, our teens appreciated what a fun and enjoyable Purim they had.

The younger kids had a great time, too, and though we kept them all up until everything was over, ds6 bitterly complained about being expected to go to bed. He began cursing me in “Arabic” and spitting at me, which isn’t rare behavior for him when he’s tired but he doesn’t usually lose himself so much that he expresses himself in that way towards me. He was so upset that when I tried to hold him and calm him down, his entire body was shaking while he yelled that he wasn’t going to sleep. I never put him in bed without our nighttime routine of singing and hugs, but that night it was clear he needed to go directly into bed. He kept yelling and crying until a few minutes later, he was sound asleep.

Sometimes kids need active direction, and sometimes you have to realize when they’re so emotionally beyond their capacity that they can’t be directed. In that case, they need compassion while helping them meet their underlying need (in this case, putting to bed an overexhausted child).

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We had a slow morning today. The kids were all home, and after all the stimulation of the day before, I consciously wanted to keep the pace very mellow so everyone could regroup.

The older boys and I have been talking about planning a family camping trip for the upcoming bein hazmanim (yeshiva break). Ds16 took out tents and sleeping bags to take inventory of what we have and what we need. He assembled the large family sized tent and let it stand for a few hours so the younger kids could play inside.

Meanwhile, ds14 found a can of Pepsi that he was given on Purim. We don’t drink it but find it useful once a year when it’s given to us – he asked me if he could show dd6 how to clean the toilet with it. It’s very acidic and rather than drink it and have it leach minerals from our bones, we take advantage of those qualities to scrub the toilet. A bonus is the bathroom is really clean now.

Then I asked dd14 to take a look at our washer and see if he can figure out why it’s not draining fully before I buy a new one. He took it apart but didn’t have any luck solving the problem. It might be time to replace it, but I’m reluctant since it’s a heavy duty non-computerized US model and I can’t find anything similar here.(I’m open to suggestion if you know of something that has a ten kilo capacity or more that is well-made.) On the other hand, if I do have to buy a new washing machine, I have a repurposing project in mind for the old washer.

Ds14 generously offered to watch the kids so I could go to a clothing sale in the area; it was a sale of brand new clothing that was being sold for the ridiculously cheap price of five shekels each – overstocks and end of season items. I did a lot of shopping for dd6 last week, and today I finished buying her summer wardrobe. I was pleasantly surprised to find clothing for myself and with seven new skirts for the whopping sum of forty shekels (with tax) I’m also set for the upcoming hot weather now.

I met my daughter at the sale, and she and her kids came back home with us to spend time here. They stayed until it was almost time for me to leave to take the twins for a visit with their parents. My daughter took ds7 back with her for special time at her house, which is really nice because it’s hard for him that the twins come home from their visits with snacks and presents, and he doesn’t get any of that. We try very hard to find ways to give him extra nurturing to offset some of the challenges he experiences as a result of them being here. I took ds11 to visit my mom, so he also had special time while I went to the mediation center.

The twins’ parents brought the costumes they’ve been talking about for six weeks, which was good. Ds’s soldier costume included a gun that they told him I would put the batteries in. They consistently give him battery powered toys and tell him that when he gets home he can put batteries in. They have no way of knowing that I’m the wrong person to expect to take care of this because I have a strong dislike of electronic toys. For years I’ve disabled any electronic toy that I’ve bought. I explained to ds6 that it’s fun to play with it without batteries, too. Since all the toys he gets are so poorly made that they break after a day or two, he won’t have a chance to think more about the batteries before this toy is broken.

It was nice that today was on the mellow side, since the schedule for this week is already full with IEP meetings for each of the twins, speech therapy for ds7 and ds11 on Wednesday, and a couples meeting for my husband and I with dd6’s therapist. That leaves one day this week with no meetings currently scheduled, but don’t worry, it will get filled up soon!

In addition to that, tomorrow it’s a high priority for me to make some calls and/or have some meetings regarding a group of boys that jumped ds11 on Shabbos morning when he walked by their shul, and crossed the street to push him around and kick him. To put it mildly, there’s a very challenging population involved and that’s all I’ll say about that for now except to add that it’s not acceptable.

Avivah

Foster care – rising to the challenge and finding the fun in ‘playing the game’

parenting, personal development

It’s been over a week with all the kids home sick.

When I started feeling under the weather, did I do anything I would tell someone else to do to boost their immune system?

No, I did not.

I so infrequently get sick that I thought that would be unnecessary.

Well, after spending three and a half days in bed while my husband took off from work to take care of me and the kids, I can say I was wrong.

A nice thing about having to rest is it gives one a lot of time to think. My mind has been churning on a few topics and I’m making significant progress on them all. It’s quite exciting.

In my last post, I shared that we will be having a surprise visit to check on our home and the kids. This was very stressful for me to think about.

The first day everyone was home sick, the kids were all sleeping in the living room and on the patio outside for hours. I couldn’t go anywhere, but I didn’t need to do much for them because they were all sleeping all day long. I got lots done in the kitchen, and as I was working throughout that day, I was picturing what it would look like if someone would come in at various points.

Even though I was on top of everything and the kids weren’t active so they didn’t make any messes, it became clear that even in the very best of circumstances my house can never be spotless when people are actively living in it.

I cook everything from scratch, so there’s constant peeling or slicing or whizzing in the food processor. I don’t use disposable dishes and combined with cooking from scratch, that means there are constantly pots and dishes being used and needing to be washed. I don’t have cleaning help. I do kitchen projects like making pickles or homemade apple cider which take up counter space (I strained my apple cider that very afternoon). I often get large quantities of produce that can be sitting around waiting to be processed or put away. That afternoon I put two huge pans of dried chickpeas on the counter to soak to prepare for canning.

One gaping flaw in the design of my home is that when you enter, you walk directly into the kitchen. It’s beyond absurd to have the mostly highly used room in the home be the first thing people see. Do you know how unrealistic it is to always have your kitchen company ready? It wasn’t actually designed like this, but the contractor took a shortcut in all the houses and reversed the location of the living room and kitchen rather than sticking to the plans.

At the end of that day of watching myself doing all that I do, it was clear to me that I could not and would not allow this woman in my home on the spur of the moment. It doesn’t matter how organized I am, how hard I work – it’s just impossible for me to have a home that looks like people don’t live here when so many people do. I called my social worker the next day and informed her that person is welcome to come any time she wants, but as would anyone else who wants to visit, she can call me to set up a time.

That was very freeing, and took away most of the stress I was feeling. While things can get very messy in the course of the day, I don’t have a problem having the house very clean for a scheduled visit.

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I wasn’t sure how this boundary was going to be received and in fact didn’t set this sooner because I felt hamstrung by my concern for the kids. I don’t want her to get so angry that she would feel she had an excuse to pull them from us, but I have to protect my boundaries. My home is my sanctuary, my safe place, and I can’t allow that to be taken from me.

I’ve had to make my peace with her threats to remove them. My social worker said she’s never going to be able to find someone else to take both children, but that was scant reassurance for me. I know it’s not a priority to her if they stay together or even if they end up in a family home. I believe she would be fine with placing them in an educational institution as soon as they’re old enough (I believe some children’s villages accept children at the age of six).

During the day I’m pretty matter of fact about the threats to remove them if I don’t do exactly what she wants, but twice in the last ten days I’ve had intense nightmares involving the twins being taken away. I woke up a couple of nights ago to my husband very worriedly bent over me – he said I was screaming in my sleep. I’ve never, ever done that in my life. This brought me to contemplating why I was reacting to this threat like this, to try to create some emotional distance.

I look at the twins sometimes and my heart clutches knowing how vulnerable they are.
Since they have challenging behaviors that require a lot of patience and understanding that most people don’t consistently have, the likelihood of abuse is high if placed somewhere else. They are so trusting of us, and it’s because they feel safe that so many of their behaviors have calmed down or disappeared. It pains me knowing how limited my ability to protect them is.

All of this criticism of me and worry about the kids is bringing me to the same place – to let go of my ego and fears, and to turn to Hashem (G-d), knowing this entire circumstance is being orchestrated for the highest good of everyone involved. I wanted to raise them to be healthy adults, and it’s very possible I won’t have the opportunity to do what I thought I would. It’s possible they’ll experience having to be different places that I would want to protect them from. But that’s also part of the plan. Thanks to all the thinking and processing time I had while I was in bed sick for a few days, at this point I feel pretty solid with that, not just intellectually but emotionally.

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I’ve shifted to being irritated at the demands and insinuations that I’m not careful enough about their hygiene, to accepting as a fact of life that you have to put on a show when dealing with the system. I hate that kind of thing, particularly since it seems incredibly unnecessary since everything is so good without making a special effort to try to impress anyone. But now I’m embracing the challenge and even see ‘playing the game’ as fun. Why shouldn’t I learn to do something better or in a different more efficient way if it will benefit me?

I asked myself, what make a child look more well-cared for then what I already do? Maybe more involved hair styles, different styles every day? Dd6 has waist length hair, and usually I make two long ponytails and braid them both. Dd is very sensitive and screams a lot when her hair is brushed and styled; this style takes ten minutes every morning and I haven’t wanted to ask her to stand still for something more involved than that.

Now I have a reason to spend more time on her hair. To get her buy-in, I let her watch a couple of braiding videos with me and then she requested for me to make those styles for her. To keep her calm while I do her hair, I let her look at a video of someone’s hair being styled. I’ve been doing this a week and she’s gotten used to fifteen minute sessions.

I often made French braids for my older daughters when they were young, and for a few days I’ve made her French braids on each side of her head. Now I’m learning new styles – I’ve just mastered a fishtail braid today – and I even created a new hairstyle for Shabbos thanks to getting my creative juices flowing by watching different braiding techniques.

My oldest daughter mentioned there’s a way to fold clothes so they don’t get unfolded when a child moves things around. Now I’m learning about pocket folding and once I better understand how to use that method, the drawers will stay neater with less need for me to rearrange the drawer.

I decided that the night before they have visitation will now be their regular nail cutting time for them both, and scalp moisturizing time for ds6. I already give ds6 haircuts a couple of days after visitation, so that his hair grows out a little before his parents see him. Then it’s harder for them to feel if he has a little dry patch on his scalp (which I was taking care of for months before they noticed it and complained about it).

I take them directly from kindergarten to the visitation, and now I’m going to build in fifteen extra minutes to fix dd’s hair so it will be freshly done, and make sure she’s wearing her nicest clothing. It’s ironic that their parents complained about their clothing, because I was dressing the kids on the day of the visits in the clothing their parents bought them, thinking the parents would have pleasure seeing their children wearing it. The social worker told me that the parents commented that they really liked seeing the kids wearing the shoes and clothes they gave them – but it was just a week later that they made the specious complaint to the committee about me not dressing the children in clothing that fit them properly.

I’m a visual person, and I like when things are clean. I like when things are organized, and I like when children are nicely dressed – it gives me pleasure to see that. I’m going to enjoy raising the standard of whatever I’m doing because I want to do it; no one is forcing me to do any of this. I don’t feel like a victim of ridiculous dictates anymore. I’m choosing to see it as fun and expansive for me. Believe me, that feels worlds better than the way I was previously looking at it.

Avivah

Foster care – things that shouldn’t be a big deal but are

parenting

I’ve been struggling lately with some things going on after the last committee meeting for the twins. I can jokingly say that parenting by committee is not for wimps but honestly it’s so defeating that last week I felt like quitting – not because of the kids and the complexity of their issues, which I feel capable of dealing with, but because of the system.

Recap: the kids are doing amazingly in every area by everyone’s (sometimes grudging) opinion, far better than anyone expected, and certainly not in nine months. Their emotional and psychological health was given token attention at the committee because they needed to focus on what’s really important.

Dd’s bedroom – it must be pink, have two pictures on the wall and a rug between the beds. I already bought the sheets (with unicorns and rainbows), curtains and rug and am still looking for suitable wall hangings. While it looks cute, as I was hanging the curtains and changing the sheets there was resentment instead of pleasure to have been dictated to in this way. I was warned by someone who knows the person involved, who said she can and will pull the kids if we don’t do exactly what she said.

The other complaint was that dd’s clothing drawer needs to be better organized. I don’t think I previously mentioned that our visitor had all the kids open their closets and drawers for inspection when she came. Even though she had asked specific questions about how dd gets dressed and knew that dd chooses her clothing herself (with my guidance to make sure things match) and therefore jumbles her clothing in the process, this is something I’ve been told needs to be corrected. It’s frustrating because I already organize her drawer every day or two when I put clean clothes in, and the focus on this drawer when the entire house was neat and the boys’ drawers were organized is ridiculous to me.

Those were the official complaints. Sounds good? Let’s continue.

Onto the bio parents feedback. They see the children once or twice a month for an hour during supervised visitation. I was surprised that they acknowledged that the kids seem to be doing very well; I didn’t think they would have that level of awareness even though the change in the kids is visible.

When they spoke to the committee they claimed the children have dirty fingernails, ds smells like urine, they wear clothes that don’t fit properly, they don’t bathe regularly and I don’t tend to their appearance. I was taken aback when I heard this but more shocked that what they said was being considered as evidence.

Ironically, all of these claims were what was said about them and documented for months before the kids were removed from their care. My husband and I both believe they’re trying to make a case against us because they want to get the kids back, and these are things they know are a problem.

We not only have a thirty year history of parenting visibly well-cared for children, we’ve been foster parents for seven years and had monthly social worker visits and school checks all that time. Not only have we never received a complaint, but I get regular compliments on how cute dd always looks (people don’t usually comment on boys’ attire). The teachers have all told the social worker the kids are always clean and dressed appropriately, and dd’s teacher filed a report in which she stated that dd’s hygiene and clothing was at the highest level – which the social worker has seen herself every time she’s done a school or home visit.

None of the facts matter, and I was perplexed why the statements of the parents were being taken as evidence of my neglectful care, particularly in light of their own history. It’s typical of bio parents whose children are in foster care to be very critical of small details; that’s a known phenomenon. But why is the positive testimony that contradicts these false claims being ignored?

It also seems irrelevant how amazing the progress of the children has been.

We are now mandated to have twice monthly meetings with the social worker with a walkthrough of our home each time. Previously she came once a month. We had a walkthrough once before ds7 came as part of the approval process, then never again. For the twins, we had a walkthrough/inspection prior to them coming, and then again when the guardian ad litem came. So having inspections twice a month is out of the norm, particularly when there was nothing wrong except the two points above (lack of pink and the jumbled clothing drawer).

Our social worker is embarrassed to have to do this and has told me though it’s completely unnecessary she has no choice.

Additionally, the guardian ad litem is planning a surprise visit. She will come unannounced when the kids are home and expect a walkthrough of our home on the spur of the moment. We have no idea when this will be.

This has been very stressful to think about, as she has a very critical eye and no tolerance for a mess, regardless of the circumstances. You can imagine if she was upset about the lack of pink sheets and the clothing in the drawer when the house was very neat, what she’ll say when she comes into an actively lived-in home during the most hectic hours of the day.

I don’t understand how this is legal – in the US, police can’t enter the home of suspected criminals without a search warrant. But I haven’t done anything wrong …and still have to have this imposed on me? Having this person in my home feels unsafe to me.

I told my social worker I can’t understand why I’m being treated with suspicion despite all the evidence to the contrary. It just doesn’t make sense.

Since we’re also now being mandated to have parenting classes every other week, I set up a meeting with dd’s therapist. She called our social worker to find out what is going on and thanks to her, learned something that made the puzzle pieces fall into place.

I knew that my social worker was holding back on things this person said about us (before she ever met us ) from a couple of comments about hoping this person could let go of her prejudices once she met us. At the end of our meeting, our therapist explained that the legal rep won’t believe any of the feedback of teachers who see the kids daily because they are all religious, and “It’s known that charedim have a low standard of hygiene.”

This seems to be why what the parents said is taken as factual – because it supports her bigoted beliefs about religious Jews. It’s clear to me that the truth is irrelevant and nothing I do will change her perspective. In fact, I think she’s looking for something that will validate her strong opposition to us before the kids came, to prove to everyone that she was right to not want them here. She thinks we’re lying and so is anyone else who says something in support of us.

I’ve been feeling angry and frustrated and distressed about this for over a week. I’ve tried very, very hard to see everyone involved in a favorable light but at this point there’s not a bone in my body that believes that what is good for the children is the priority.

I’m being treated like an employee who has to do what she’s told, but social services is the last ’employer’ I’d want anything to do with if not for my desire to help the children. I don’t have a voice at all, I can’t say anything to defend myself or explain during the committee meeting – everything is decided on and then handed down to me without my input or clarification.

Generally I move away from dysfunctional people and unhealthy situations and minimize engagement; I don’t try to defend or justify myself. Now I’m forced to deal with an unhealthy system that I’d rather stay far away from, and I find it upsetting that I have to detail how often I bathe the kids and wash their hair, how often I cut their nails, explain that I dress the children in clothing that fits appropriately, etc, etc, etc.

I’ve been tempted to take a picture of the coats I put them in and contrast that with a picture of the oversized coats the parents gave them that will fit them in a year or two (They claimed they had to buy them coats because what I gave them was much too big.) Or to ask the supervisory social worker to note in her report that she has yet to send in, that ds never smelled like urine except for when he wet himself during a visit with his parents because they didn’t take him to the bathroom.

Being told what to do and how to do something will always negatively impact someone’s intrinsic motivation. There was more conversation regarding expanding visitation with their parents and educational choices that may be mandated that may be very different than what we would choose for them, that even further created a question for me as how to stay lovingly engaged with the children when it feels safer for me to detach.

It’s been challenging as I’ve been working through all of these emotions that were stirred up. It’s only today that I found inner calm about it all, and was able to put it all emotionally to the side. It is what it is, and I don’t want to give away my peace of mind to anyone involved.

Avivah

A reading program for struggling readers, and a speech training program for struggling talkers

homeschooling, parenting, Trisomy 21

At the beginning of this school year, I attended a meeting for mothers of my first grader’s class.

When the teacher discussed the different things they would be doing, she mentioned that they would be beginning reading this year. I asked if they would be using the McGuiness reading method, and must have winced when she said they would, since she asked me if I had a problem with that.

I explained that it was extremely slow, and my eleven year old is still not reading Hebrew independently after three and a half years of McGuiness. He is very bright and I expected he would learn to read within a year; he unquestionably had the capacity. I was very optimistic and relieved that Hebrew reading was something I wasn’t going to have to teach when he began at this school but have since learned that the approach is agonizingly slow. I said that it was frustrating and disappointing for me because he wants to be able to read his parsha in shul for his bar mitzva, and I don’t see how that’s going to happen with this slow reading program.

My last comment caused a rash of whispering and shaking of heads amongst the other mothers. Clearly they thought I was completely unrealistic in my hopes for him and were tsk tsking to one another.

It’s interesting that not one of the other mothers came over to speak to me afterwards, even though I’m the only one in the class who has an older child in this school and has experience raising an older child with a disability. Maybe they were all put off by my comment.

One person wasn’t put off, and that was a new assistant. She came over to speak to me privately, and told me that a family member of hers trained in a different approach to reading and has seen a lot of success. She further explained that the course is available for parents so they can teach their own child to read.

I thanked her and looked it up right away when I got home. It’s a video training program for parents, accompanied by a workbook to use when learning with the child. It sounded interesting, but it was expensive and I was afraid to buy something like that and not see it through.

I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses. Systematic application of detailed programs are something I have to put a lot of conscious effort into, and I wasn’t sure that realistically I would be able to follow through. I have a tremendous amount on my plate at any given time, and it was the beginning of the school year and before the fall holidays, which are especially busy times. I was afraid I would buy the program and it would languish mostly unused, leaving me with guilt that I not only wasted the money but didn’t take steps to help my son with reading. I have enough things on my mental list that I wanted to do but didn’t follow through with, and really didn’t want to add something else to that list.

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While I was thinking about the reading program, someone else told me about a speech training method that would help my children’s articulation. Both my eleven year old and seven year old have Down syndrome/Trisomy 21, and thank G-d are smart kids. But their speech can be hard to understand at times. We’ve come very far with the help of Gemiini – ds11 was diagnosed with apraxia at age two, and by age five when he met a new speech therapist, she said it must have been a mistaken diagnosis because he didn’t have signs of it.

It wasn’t a mistaken diagnosis – we did a lot of work on our own using Gemiini and together with our own strategies, that helped him move forward in speech significantly.

The speech method I was told about is called Verbal Motor Learning (VML) and training would begin in December and be held mostly over Zoom for attendees in Israel. Again, I went back and forth in my mind about the expense (about four thousand shekels) and if I had the capacity to apply what I learned on a consistent basis.

Now I also had to consider which of the two programs was more important – reading or speech? Could I do even one of them? But both were so important to me.

After several months deliberating, I finally decided to jump in and get the reading program during Chanuka vacation. I would get started right away and get some traction, and then would sign up to begin the speech training.

Naturally, plans don’t always work out the way we intend.

The materials for the speech program didn’t come for a week, and by then vacation was over. In addition to usually having ds11 home with me (that’s been the case most of the year – a topic for another post), I was then busy setting up and meeting with therapists for the twins and other school meetings for them that had been delayed because of the war.

The deadline for the speech training was coming up. I finally sent in the registration form online, but didn’t get a response back. When I called, I learned that due to lack of enrollment, the Israel training wouldn’t be held and my forms hadn’t been received. I asked if there was another online training available. There was – just one more. It would begin two weeks later, taught in English and translated into Romanian, with the live demonstration portion taught in Romania.

The hours of the course are very difficult for me – two full days a month (9 am to 5:30 pm), then another evening from 6 – 10:30 pm, three days in a row. The training in Israel that was cancelled had been morning hours, with classes twice a week – that was more doable for me. But I decided to sign up, even though I can’t go to Romania for the hands-on workshop.

I’ll share more at a later time about each of these programs when I have more experience with them both. This is where I’m up to now:

It’s been about five weeks since I’ve been doing reading sessions with ds11 and it’s going really well. He loves it and every night before bed – when I’m so tired I really don’t want to do anything – he reminds me that we need to do reading and enthusiastically brings me the workbook. He’s great with a structure and keeps me on track! It’s very, very encouraging to see his progress so far.

Last month, I began the speech training program; right now I’m in the middle of the second month’s sessions. Most of the others on the training are speech therapists who work with non-verbal children; most are in Romania but there are a few from other European and South American countries. I’m the only one from Israel and there’s no one from America.

Even though as the eternal student I generally love learning, this isn’t easy or enjoyable for me. Almost from the beginning I could see what an incredible tool it could be for my boys, if I could see it through. However, I find it draining to sit on Zoom for so many hours. And it’s not easy on my family.

Last month, the twins got completely dysregulated after just one afternoon of me not taking care of them, even though the older boys and my husband were with them, and even though they saw me in the bedroom and talked with me briefly. They both just lost it emotionally.

The hours of the training allow me to get the kids ready and take them to school as usual, and at 9 am start the classes. Often during the week a child will stay home with me for a day, and the kids regularly ask me whose day it is to stay home. Yesterday when asked who was staying home, I told them everyone was going to school that day and I would be doing my classes from the computer, at home.

A few hours later, I got a call from dd6’s teacher to ask me if something was wrong with her, that she was very emotional, complaining that different parts of her body hurt and crying about everything. We had a relaxed and pleasant morning before that, nothing was out of the norm; I never send a child to school who indicates they aren’t feeling well. She was fine.

She came home and screamed and cried literally off afternoon, even though I was home and available for them. I haven’t seen her act like this in months. I believe that something about hearing I would be doing classes while she was in kindergarten caused her to feel like I wasn’t available even though she wasn’t home at the time.

They’ll be waking up soon and I’ll be sure to be extra reassuring and not mention the classes – yesterday morning I literally made only one comment in passing that I would be doing classes. I’m a very strong emotional regulator for her and it was pretty powerful to see how when she thought – not experienced – me not being available to her, it threw her into an emotional tailspin.

Last month the older boys had a couple of days off and together with my husband, took care of the kids while I was doing the training. This month I have chosen to make up the afternoon sessions and review the recording afterward (I usually attend live) so that I am there for them. This is more challenging for me but I hope it will help the twins stay on a more even keel.

Avivah

Dysregulation – maintaining a calm presence

parenting, personal development

Parents often want techniques to get their children to behave. But it’s not techniques or knowing the right words to say that are going to help. It’s the energy they feel from you.

Staying calm and regulated in the face of their dysregulation is your most powerful tool. When a child loses it, he needs your calm to help him calm down. Young children don’t have the ability to regulate themselves emotionally. His brain will mirror your brain.

To me, the most important thing is not about what you do or say to a child who is having a meltdown, but how you maintain your own inner calm. That’s always my main focus. If I can stay calm, there’s a high likelihood I’m going to be able to tune into their emotions and appropriately mirror what they’re feeling. I’ll be able to see past their behavior to the sweet child inside, and recognize that they’re in a moment of struggle right then. Then I can be compassionate instead of frustrated.

A young child isn’t able to moderate their emotions by themselves. They need your help to calm down and get back to themselves. You literally are their external brain, and when you are calm, you not only model how to act for them, but you teach their brain they are safe.

There are times that it’s easy to be calm, and you don’t need to try. But then there are the times when your children are much more challenged, or you’re feeling much more challenged – and the worst: when you’re stressed and they’re stressed at the same time.

This is when you have to be the most careful because your interactions are highly likely to be really negative.

Yesterday morning I had a situation like this. I was feeling very pressured in the morning because I thought I might be going with ds11 on his school van, and in the event that would be allowed, needed to have everyone completely ready before I got on the van at 7:20 am. I had only thought about doing this in the middle of the night, so no advance planning was done.

So I was feeling some time pressure and wanted the younger three children to put on the clothes that I gave them with less than usual assistance from me. They’re all quite capable of that, technically. I gave them each their clothes and told them I’d help them if they needed help, but to please put their clothes on as much as they could while I got their lunch boxes ready.

Despite reminders, ds6 did nothing to get dressed for half an hour.

He did other things, though – he put on his muddy boots over his soiled pajamas, climbed all over the top bunk bed in dd’s room, getting it all muddy in the process. I took him down and reminded him it’s time to put on underwear and pants. I sat him down to anchor him physically (he’s very easily distracted) and gave him his clothing again.

I came back in a few minutes later – he was on top of a different bunk bed (now also muddy), still with muddy boots and soiled clothing, still no progress getting dressed. Thirty minutes had passed by this point from when I had first given him his clothing and asked him to get dressed.

Though the muddy boots on the beds was a first, there was nothing unusual about this scenario. He usually needs a lot of guidance to do something and if he doesn’t have it, he does what feels interesting to him at that moment. But on this day, I had to take a deep breath because I was feeling so annoyed. One of his signs of dysregulation is distraction – he moves faster and faster, getting more and more erratic, seemingly oblivious to what he’s supposed to be doing.

I took off his boots, took off his pants, and put his underwear on him. I didn’t want to physically interact with him at that moment any more than that because of the level of irritation I was feeling.

Do you think me being frustrated was conducive to him moving faster? No. Was my expectation that he get himself dressed realistic? Not in that moment.

When I learned at 7 am that I wouldn’t be allowed to go on the school van because I didn’t have advance authorization, it was as if a balloon of tension emptied out of me. While I attended to getting the kids who needed to go on the van out the door, I let ds6 get dressed in his own time, helping him afterward with the clothing items that were missing when I had restored my inner calm.

Seeing he was unable to follow even minimal direction, I knew he needed more relaxed time and warmth than usual and made the decision to give him a ‘vacation day with Mommy’. He was so happy about that. He loves to stay home with me and it’s been three weeks since his last day home. We had a really nice day and he was so happy and relaxed all day long. This is when I felt like his balloon of tension released from him. (His teacher called me later that morning and mentioned he had a hard time the morning before, and I was especially glad I had kept him home to unwind.)

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Everyone has specific times and situations that trigger them.

My biggest challenge is when I feel time pressured, as I shared above, and this is when I’m most likely to overreact. When you know what your triggers are, you can take steps to avoid them.

Knowing my sensitivity to tension around time, I find a few things helpful. The first is to be proactive and take steps to avoid getting into situations that are hard for you and require a lot of your emotional energy to stay on an even keel. I build margin into situations, leaving more time than I need to to get places on time and to get children ready. I try to think ahead so that in the mornings, I’m not rushing or trying to find things.

For example, today three of the kids need white shirts because it’s Tu B’shvat so a couple of days ago I made sure all of their shirts were washed so when it’s time to get dressed, I’m not looking at empty hangers in the closet and realizing the shirts they need are unwashed and in the hampers. That would be stressful for me and cause me to feel tense. One child is supposed to take a treat for the class party, so that was purchased last night and put into his backpack.

I’ve had a few times that I realized the night before that I didn’t have enough bread for sandwiches and had to go to the store down the block at 5:30 am. Now I buy a few loaves and keep them in the freezer so I don’t run into that situation.

However, life happens, things come up, and I can’t and don’t always preempt to the degree that I’m never in a situation that challenges me.

Then there’s the level of managing thoughts. If I think thoughts like, “Why isn’t he getting ready, what’s the matter with him, what’s wrong with me that I can’t get him to do what he’s supposed to do?!”, I’m going to feel annoyed and even angry. If I think, “I don’t have enough time, I can’t do this, it’s too much”, I’m going to feel tense and stressed.

So I try to replace these kind of thoughts with more calming thoughts like: “I have plenty of time, it’s fine, I’m doing great, everyone is working together with me”. This is really helpful, because it’s our mostly our thinking about a situation that cause us to become dysregulated, more than the situation itself.

When I keep my voice calm, it keeps me – and everyone else – calm. If I’m feeling annoyed, dropping my voice to a lower key and speaking slower helps me feel more calm, whereas if I speak faster and more urgently, I get more upset.

Lastly, shift your external environment to support you. I find music to be a wonderful tool. Often I put on upbeat music in the mornings and get the kids dressed while singing and doing funny dance moves with them. Sometimes I’m thinking about all I need to do that day and starting to feel tense, and I put on relaxing music or affirmations to listen to while I prepare their lunch boxes. (Ideally their lunch boxes would be prepared before waking them up and in warmer weather I do but in the winter I like to stay in bed where it’s cozy for longer. :))

Don’t beat yourself up for not always being calm. I want to be calm and collected no matter what is going on around me, and have to forgive myself for not always being able to do that. However, over time I’ve significantly increased my capacity to stay calm in the face of challenging behavior.

Avivah

What to do when kids melt down – my Six Cs

parenting

Last week I picked up dd6 from kindergarten, accompanied by ds6 and ds7. She happily hugged me, and they all ran to the car.

Predictably, the boys got to the car before her. Predictably, she began screaming because she wanted the middle seat. I empathized with her wanting to get the seat and the frustration of not having what she wanted. She got more upset and refused to get in the car, so I calmly picked her up and put her in the car, where she continued screaming.

As I turned on the ignition, I thought about a topic that often comes to mind – how to deal with children when they become dysregulated. All children become dysregulated at times, but since the twins are very quickly and easily dysregulated, this is something I get to practice a lot.

One Shabbos morning I was at shul and an older woman commented, looking at dd, “What sweetness!” This is someone I had previously discussed the fostering situation with, and I responded, “Yes, there’s a lot of sweetness when all her needs are being met, but when they’re not, it’s not so sweet.”

Five minutes later, dd asked me about having more treats and I told her she had already had her fill. (I talk to the kids beforehand about how much they can have; we always have the same guidelines.) She began crying and jumping up and down in protest. The woman said to me, “Oh, now I see what you mean.” I laughingly (and truthfully) replied, “Oh, you haven’t seen anything yet!”

When I respond to a child who is distressed or dysregulated, I integrate my six foundational principles of Leadership Parenting. I call them the Six Cs: calm, clarity, courage, compassion, connection and correction.

Firstly, slow down inside yourself to feel your calm. You can take a physical or mental deep breath to help with this.

You need to have clarity about what your intentions are in the interaction; when you feel this, it will come across to the child. In this case, I had established the boundaries of how many treats she could have, and I had clarity that this was the boundary I was going to maintain. I could also have chosen to be flexible on this and knowing I was willing to shift my position would have been my clarity.

Once you have clarity about what you want, you need to have courage to see it through. It’s easier in the short run to give in to a child and let them have or do what they want. Being willing to face your child’s displeasure and deal with his resulting acting out requires courage.

Before addressing any issue with a child, it’s important to feel compassionate towards him. If you’re frustrated and irritable, you’re not going to be effective in communicating.

All of this work is done inside of you before you say or do anything with a child. Now that you’re centered in yourself, you step into the active part of the interaction with your child.

When you guide your child, it’s important to first establish a connection. Look your child in the eye (eye level is very helpful for a child who is very out of sorts), and empathize with their frustration or disappointment. “That wafer looks so yummy and you really want to have more.” Wait for a response, and validate that response. “It’s really hard.”

This moves into the final step, correction. “When we come to shul, we have ‘x ‘many treat (establishing or reminding child of boundary). We’re not going to have any more treats now. Would you like to take the wafer home and save it for a different special time?” Or, “Come, hold my hand and we’re going to go outside together.”

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This is a typical scenario. But there are other ways that the steps can play out.

Every week we do an online grocery order and my husband goes on the designated day to pick it up. Sometimes he takes one of the children with him. This week he took two children. A third, upset he wasn’t going to go, spit on my husband and verbally became very expressive about his anger. Dr. Gordon Neufeld would call this being filled with ‘foul frustration’. I was inside the house so my husband carried him in to me and said, “Ds6 needs you.”

Next to where I was sitting were two towers built by one of the other children, one of Duplo and one of magnet tiles. He began taking the tiles off, one by one, and tossing them into the box. I thanked him for putting them away. He looked at me appraisingly, then knocked the entire tower over. He looked at me to see my response. I didn’t say anything, but stayed compassionate in myself for his disappointment. He knocked down the Duplo tower and looked at me daringly. I quietly looked at him.

In this case, without saying a word, I’ve used calm, clarity, courage, compassion and connection. It was clear to me what my boundaries were (clarity), and I was going to see that through (courage). I was calm and compassionate, and he could feel connection with me just from the way I looked at him.

He stood there for another minute and then sat down and began to build with the Duplo. After a minute, he gave me a brick and said, “Cake for you, my sweet mommy.” I thanked him and ‘nibbled’ on it. As he built and built and built, I could feel him getting quiet inside himself, without either of us speaking. He would periodically look up, checking to see that I was looking at him. And that was it. The correction happened as a natural outflow of our interaction.

Helping a child regulate doesn’t always require words. Sometimes words get in the way. It always requires your calm and compassionate presence.

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Soon dd6 came back from the shopping, happily carrying in two small packages of vegetables. Then there was nothing else for her to bring in so she began screaming.
She can switch from happy to upset, and upset to happy, literally on a dime. When she screams, it’s piercing, extended and usually accompanied by jumping up and down or throwing herself on the floor. My teen boys are amazed that a child can scream as much as she does.

By this time it was close to 6 pm. When it’s so late in the day and children are tired, you need to have a lot of patience because they are overextended. This can be a particular challenge because parents are also feeling overextended and tired by this time.

In this case, I brought her close to me and gave her a slow hug. Usually this helps her, but this time she so dysregulated that it hardly registered. If anything, she got more upset. When I hugged her, I felt that her clothing was damp from the splashing outdoors she had done just before they left, and realized she must be cold. I picked her up and took her to her room. I spoke to her minimally because everything was too much for her at that moment, but whatever I said was said in a low and soothing voice. I took off her wet clothes and put her in a snuggly pair of pajamas. This was all accompanied by her piercing screams and flailing around.

Just because you are helping a child and giving them what they need, it doesn’t mean they’re going to instantly calm down or cheer up. Not at all. In this case, dd6 was so overwound that she couldn’t calm down.

She stood in front of me while I finished zipping her up. Since I was sitting on her bed we were eye level, and I said, “Now you’re warm and dry, doesn’t that feel good?” This wasn’t said to elicit a response from her but to help her get recentered. Then I sat with her on my lap for a few minutes. She lay her head against my chest and when I felt her body relaxing, gave her a big hug before we went back to the kitchen to have dinner.

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How do you react when your child is melting down? What is hard for you in the moment that they’re having a hard time?

Avivah