There is a frequently put forth idea regarding parenting that I was very influenced by when my children were younger: give your child freedom to do what he wants and he will learn to make good choices, without being coerced. (The obvious unspoken corollary is that telling your child what to do or how to do it is a bad thing and coercive.) And I tried to follow this philosophy. The time came, however, when I realized that as nice as it sounded, it just didn’t work.
When my oldest was five, the challenges of following a philosophy like this began to be felt in my home. I never raised my voice, always spoke lovingly, was careful to phrase what I said in the positive (didn’t want to damage his self-esteem by saying ‘no’). We spent lots of time together, went to parks, read books, snuggled. In fact, people often commented on what a wonderful and patient parent I was. So why was he acting out? I described the situation to a parenting expert who told me he was trying to get positive attention. This didn’t feel right to me, but I hadn’t yet learned to trust my internal compass, and I accepted her ‘diagnosis’. I tried to be even more positive and encouraging. But his behavior got more and more out of hand, until one day (he had just turned seven) my mom was visiting and saw how he was acting. She expressed her concern about it, and I told her what the parenting expert had told me. She responded strongly, saying, “I have never seen a child get so much positive attention – that is definitely not what he is missing!”
Somehow, hearing someone who saw how I parented around the clock say that helped me validate what I was feeling, that I really was giving him more than enough love and attention. It helped me see that he didn’t need more love – he needed limits. Because I wasn’t able to differentiate between punishment and discipline, I wasn’t able to see what he was begging for – clear boundaries. When he kicked a piece of furniture or hit a sibling and I gently redirected him instead of acting decisively and firmly, I was denying him something he desperately needed. Kids need their parents to set a standard for what is acceptable and appropriate. By giving them a clear sense of our expectations and consistently reinforcing them, we give them a priceless gift: the gift of inner security, of knowing they can trust us and rely on us.
Kids know that they don’t know everything, even though they want to look like they do sometimes. Think about how frightening it would be if you were told you had to fly a plane with no flight plan, destination, directions, or lessons. Now think about how scary it is for our children when we give them the message that we expect them to navigate their way through life without any help from us – when they don’t know where they are going, how to get there, or what they will do when they arrive. Saying that kids will learn to self-regulate their food or activities or behavior is like saying as soon as they can toddle, kids should be free to walk wherever they want and they will learn to cross streets safely on their own and get where they need to go. Is that responsible? Is that kind?
Many of us have avoided setting these guidelines for our children, because we are afraid. When we tell others that they are being controlling and coercive because they do set limits for their children, we are very often speaking from a place of deep internal fear and ambivalence. We don’t know how to lovingly discipline. We don’t know what to do when they are disobedient or disrespectful, we don’t know how to guide them. Instead of dealing with the root of the issue, instead of learning new parenting behaviors that will benefit us and our children, we deny the legitimacy of those needs. We say their needs are really about independence, and by denying them independence, we are causing them long term emotional harm since they won’t learn to manage their own emotions/behavior, etc. We frame our lack of action as a morally responsible thing to do and condemn those who act otherwise.
Take heart – every step you take in the right direction will make your parenting journey so much more pleasant. The next time your child refuses to do as you ask, runs around a public setting, or does something else that sets your teeth on edge – don’t feel you need to say it’s okay. See it as an opportunity to set new expectations for your family. You might feel mean and heartless if you are used to giving them whatever they want or ignoring things you don’t like. Think about your long term goals – if you don’t help your children learn to manage themselves, one day the outside world will, and that will be extremely painful.
Avivah
