After a number of years of writing about parenting, unofficially guiding parents and repeatedly being asked to give parenting classes, eight years ago I officially began teaching on this topic.
Before I began, though, I called a very special woman with tremendous experience and life wisdom, Rebbetzin Esther Tendler of Baltimore, to get her thoughts on teaching this topic. We chatted for a bit as I shared my perspective and background, and my approach to parenting.
Her biggest reservation? “How old are your children?”
When I told her my oldest was 17 (I had nine at the time, the youngest was two), she said, “Well, then that’s just about right.” She was concerned about people teaching who hadn’t yet had that many years of parenting experience. Theories are one thing, living them through different ages and stages is another! (***see below)
This week I was reminded of her comments when I heard Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz quote Dr. Abraham Twerski, who said: “Every house looks good when it’s new. It’s how it stands the test of time that determines how strong the house is.”
I really related to that. There are things that I did as a younger parent that I wouldn’t advocate now, even though they made sense and even seemed to get good results. Good results in the short term and in the long term don’t always look the same. And you really do shift over time to realize that things you thought were important in the early years just don’t matter very much.
When kids are younger, it’s easier to think you have all the answers once you can get them into bed or off to school without fighting. 🙂 The more experienced a parent I’ve become, the more nuanced I feel about many issues.
I recently came out of a trying eight month period with two teenagers simultaneously bouncing their negativity towards me back and forth between each other. It intensified things in a way that having just one child irritated with your existence doesn’t. 🙂
Teens can see things in a very black and white way, they can be very judgmental and focused on their needs to the exclusion of everyone else. None of that is bad. It’s just part of going through that stage. But let me tell you, it can be intense living with them while they grow their brain connections and move towards more emotional maturity.
It was my belief in and commitment to my principles of parenting that I held onto during this period that (usually) kept me from succumbing to some of the things I wanted to say and do. That, and my husband, who would periodically express his appreciation for how I was living my values even when feeling very challenged by some behaviors.
I questioned myself a few times, wondering if it was time to lower the boom and snap my fingers and say, this is the limit and you can.not.act.like.this.
It was a very conscious effort not to get into power struggles, not to define myself by their definition of me, to respect my boundaries at the same time respecting their need to express themselves, to look beyond the behavior and to remember to see  the wonderful person behind that. And sometimes I didn’t rise to the occasion the way I would have wanted to.
The winds blew through, they shook me inside (which is not a bad thing, by the way -more about that in another post), the sun came out and our metaphorical house is still standing none the worse for the storm.
These teens (who were always wonderful to everyone else!) are once again pleasant people for me to spend time with. The positive interpretation that I held onto about who they really were has been borne out and I now feel what great people they are turning into rather than thinking it intellectually.
And so it goes as a parent…one more challenge, one more growth opportunity, one more situation that you go through that leaves you feeling stronger inside but still grateful when it’s over!
Avivah
*** I’m not in any way suggesting that those who are in younger stages of parenting don’t have something of value to offer! Personally, I think that each person should offer what they have to share, wherever he/she is on their personal path.
I love this post, having a few teenagers of my own! I would love to hear more about this. What values/principles/boundaries were you sure not to ever cross as a parent? How did you keep your own boundaries while also allowing them to express themselves in ways you found distasteful? I am glad your “house” is strong and intact. Please share more about this and the techniques that helped you weather the storm.
I’m happy to share about this, R. My biggest concern about writing about this topic has been that I don’t want to violate the privacy of my children, so that means usually I’m more general here than I would be in a private conversation. Give me some time and I’ll put together a post on this.
Thank you! (i totally understand about respecting your kids’ privacy)
I’m also very interested in this topic. I’d love to hear more.
I agree with R, would love to hear more.
Wow. Thanks for being open and potentially vulnerable! It is inspiring to me that even parents who have it together and role models in so many ways have it challenging and need to work on it. It lets me know I am not alone and not a failure and that the struggle and challenge is okay.
Do you mind sharing which values and ideas have shifted over time?
We’re all works in progress, Mushky!
The biggest thing for me that has shifted is a focus on external behavior. I used to worry a lot more about what people would think of me as an extension of my children. Like, if they didn’t act in a certain way, that would reflect badly on me. More ego driven.
Now I’m more concerned about the relationship, and giving a child the space to be himself, and try to recognize when my ego is getting in the way of good chinuch.
I would also love to hear more about how to support teens through a stage like this and maintain a positive relationship. My kids aren’t quite teens yet, but I hear so many people say how awful parenting teens is and I don’t want that to be my experience! Of course I expect it to be challenging and require work, just like every stage of parenting. I’d love some insight into how to parent teens in a positive way.
Parenting teens doesn’t need to be awful, I think that’s a partial myth that sets parents up to expect something that doesn’t have to happen.
Having said that, it’s kind of like when people prepare for childbirth and read materials about if they do it right, they won’t experience any pain. If someone is expecting that and then her birth is very different from that, it’s a much more rude awakening than if she was prepared for the possibility beforehand.
These are my fifth and sixth teenagers (we have a seventh in the wings) and I didn’t have any issues with three out of four oldest. It’s good to be reminded that each person is different and needs something different. Part of my difficulty this time around was saying, but everyone else thought I was a good mother and wanting to blame my kids for their behavior; I had to keep reminding myself that my focus had to be on my thoughts and actions.
My oldest is 8 and sometimes I do think bedtime and not fighting is sometimes my biggest struggle, can you give examples of things that worked only short term. I am pretty strict about some things mad I wonder if I’ll regret it in years to come.
I in no way mean to downplay the challenges of younger children – getting your kids to bed calmly and not having fighting are pretty major accomplishments, Chani!
I imagine that most of us will have some kind of regret because we change and evolve. I regret some of my strictness in the earlier years and insistence on behavioral stuff – I’ve apologized to my older kids for that. I’m very relieved that it wasn’t something I did for an extended period so it wasn’t something that defined their childhoods.