I had a meeting with the therapist who until now I’ve used as a resource person to navigate the logistics of the foster care system. She’s very experienced and knowledgeable, and I respect her professionalism and compassionate understanding of children. Although she works independently, my visits to her are dictated by social services and paid for by the foster care agency, so I’ve never felt safe to share anything too personal, though it would be a relief to speak to someone who understands foster parenting. Foster parenting has similarities to regular parenting but is on a different scale of challenge as there is deep trauma and loss that manifest in various issues.
I reached out to her because I decided it’s time to ask for help with more than logistics.
I wanted to talk with her about the anger I feel sometimes towards ds7 and some of his behaviors, and get suggestions on how to move beyond that.
I told her about what we experience with ds7 and concluded by suggesting that it seems I need to do some deeper inner work to effectively parent him so that I’m not triggered by some of his behaviors.
I didn’t anticipate at all what direction she would go in.
She told me that if she was asked to recommend a foster family, she would wholeheartedly recommend us without reservation. She stated that we have an unusual capacity that few people have to deal with trauma behaviors (I have less confidence in my capacity than she does), but at the same time, it’s important for me to recognize that I have limits, limits that are reasonable and to acknowledge that I have a red line.
I appreciated that. As much as I want to be endlessly understanding and compassionate, I’m not and I can’t be, and it’s not even a realistic expectation even though I want to be like that.
Then she asked for more details of the behaviors.
After hearing the specifics, she said that the intensity of what he does leads her to consider that his needs might not be able to met in any home environment. She said the anger I sometimes feel is very understandable, that anyone would be upset at the things I described. She suggested we began to consider a different kind of placement for ds, because with such challenging behaviors, a staff has advantages over one set of parents; they have a shift and know they only have to tolerate what he does until the end of their shift and they go home for a break. When you live with it, you never get a break and it is exhausting.
She stressed that if he’s going to go into this kind of framework, the sooner the better because the more used to a loving home he is, the harder the transition will be to dormitory living.
I don’t see what the benefits to him would be of being in a dorm, other than having more staff to supervise him. He wouldn’t be loved and cared about the way he is here, it’s unlikely he would experience any emotional healing or advance academically, and his future would be very limited.
I told her if I felt we really couldn’t help him and I really couldn’t deal with his behaviors, I would consider that but at the very least he deserves a year of getting the necessary support in school to be successful before concluding that he’s too much for a family to handle. Even with his regression and other challenging behaviors, he’s made huge gains; he’s much happier and calmer, better able to focus, process information and think.
I pointed out it would be very hard for all of us, particularly the younger children in our family if he were to leave, and she conceded that was true. She added, however, that him not being there might also be a relief for everyone, especially the younger children.
I shared my concern that he would be at high risk for abuse in a framework like that, and she agreed, but added that being who he is, he’ll be at high risk wherever he is and it’s not something I can protect him from.
I really respect this person so much, but this isn’t the direction I thought the conversation would go. I thought she would suggest perspectives on his actions or guidance on how to handle his outbursts. I never expected her to say that my anger was well justified and his behaviors point to him not being able to stay in a home environment.
I went home and shared all of this with my husband and we had the same response – we don’t agree with this direction at this time. It helped us both recommit to find a way to keep him with us as long as we can.
The question remains: how to find the compassion and energy to be patient and kind when I feel maxxed out? This is the question I wanted support with.
So far what is helping me the most is to tell myself that he’s a four year old. Technically he’s a few months from his eighth birthday, but part of what leads to frustration is expectation. He is very much like a four year old in every way except his birthdate, and by thinking of him in a way that is accurate for the stage he’s at, it helps reduce my expectations. It’s easier for me to feel compassion or patience rather than frustration when he does things that I think he shouldn’t be doing.
By the way, my meeting with the therapist took place before the meeting at the school last week. After the school meeting, she saw ds7 for the first time since her visit to our home when he first arrived. She looked at me in astonishment and looking emotional, asked, “What in the world is this?!”He’s really sweet!” She continued, “It doesn’t sound nice to say I’m surprised, but I am – based on his background and how he was when he came to you, and all the behaviors he has – I didn’t expect to see this.” I was glad she got to see a glimpse of his real self, so she has a more balanced picture of the child he is. When we discuss him in the future, I think it will be a different discussion.
Avivah
Wow, it must have felt so good to hear from the Therapist that she realizes you are giving your all. My heart really goes out to you because you are giving this sweet little one all you can but he still has so much Trauma. For yourself Avivah, just wondering if a babysitter can take the twins out 2or 3x a week to a nice park, play area for a couple hours to also give you a bit more time just for a breather and rest up. Keep us updated as we are thinking of you and your family. I would be afraid as you said of a dormitory where boys can fight with DS and he would just fight back. Home is always the best but you will see later on.
Avivah I was going to suggest something similar to Rachelli. I wondered if the foster system (or someone) would pay for another person to help you at home for a certain number of hours each week. For example if he’s most challenging right after school or right before bed or whenever, maybe someone that you trust (who will listen to your direction on handling his behaviors) could take a load off your shoulders, so it’s not always YOU dealing with each tough situation.
Just an idea, and maybe someone actually taking them to a park or out of the house for would be better though, so you get a *real* mental health break.
Your patience is light years beyond what I or anyone I know could handle and your kids sure are blessed to have you.
Kelly
It’s really hard to find help locally; I’m looking but haven’t yet found someone. I’m not resistant on this front – I would love to have help! Hopefully I can find someone before the summer because I’m already dreading being on my own with ds all summer long.
I’m afraid of much more than kids just fighting with him, even though he is unlikely to be able to fight back – he’s too small and young for his age. My concern is outright physical and sexual abuse.
Would you consider medication for him ? You have obviously done miraculous work with him but it takes its toll on you (and maybe on your other kids as well). I believe meds are a last resort but it sounds like you’ve mastered the nurturance and patience piece . He obviously has impulses that are difficult for him to control .
Avivah, B’s comment reminded me, have you thought of trying homeopathic medicine?
Email me if you’d like more info on this.
Kelly
I’ll be in touch with you, Kelly, thank you for the offer!
I’m not a fan of medication but I would consider it. However, I’m not allowed to make any decision about that, not even to take him for an appointment to discuss the possibility. It’s taken quite some time to make progress on this front since everything needs to be approved by a committee, but I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist at the end of the month to discuss this.
Avivah, a few years ago I wrote on this blog that I could no longer follow you because I found your stance about things going on in this country and the world very hard to understand.
I wanted to come back and publicly say that while we may never agree on a certain topic (or more), I just have the utmost respect for you.
Reading this post and the one that came after it really brought home for me just how special of a woman you are. Your incredible patience, belief in your biological and fostered children, and ongoing personal work is astounding. Thank you so much for sharing your life with us.
I apologize if I hurt you the last time I wrote here. I learn so much from you and thank Hashem that I found you online. Hashem should give you the strength to continue doing the incredible things that you do.
I am deeply touched by what you wrote, Rivkah.
I try to be respectful of those who think differently than me, even on topics that I feel strongly about and even vehemently disagree with their stance. If I get even a small sense of my children speaking in a disparaging way of others, I’m adamant that they don’t have to agree but they must be respectful. Unity is the superpower of humanity. 🙂
One of my deep disappointments has been to be discounted as a person after sharing a viewpoint that differed from others. I really, really appreciate your apology. And I’m glad you’re here!
What made you come back to read my blog, after feeling as strongly as you did?
Avivah, I am consistently awed and impressed at your deicaction to your children and your sincere belief in their abilities.
I just wanted to point something out regarding the possibility of abuse in an institutional vs a home setting. While it is true that you can’t protect your son from abusers, and he is certainly at high risk, there are so many more factors than the actual abuse. Our son with special needs was abused twice in school. The crucial factor was that he told us, we believed him, and we immediately took action. In an institutional setting, a child may not have a trusted person to confide in, and is far more likely to be brushed off, or to have the situation passed along the chain of command with nothing being done. So while you can’t prevent abuse, a home setting with caring parents has major advantages over an institution in resolving it.
Wishing you much hatzlacha, bracha and clarity in all your decisions.
You make such a valuable point, Shoshana – yes, it’s true that abuse would likely continue unchecked without a child having a safe person he trusts to confide in, someone who would advocate for him.
I really can’t think of any advantage of an institution other than the one she listed – that the burden of constant supervision is draining and it’s easier when shared with other people.
As someone who very reluctantly placed an adult child in a group home I understand your concerns . I had to take into account my son’s social needs as well as the burden being placed on my husband , me and his siblings ( obviously very different story with a child vs an adult ). I admire your tremendous patience !!! And also wonder if the other children are affected by the difficult behavior